Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison...........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog.............Buck  

Guest cast:

Sheryl Bernstein.........Voice of TV announcer



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 The opening scene is of the Bundy kitchen.
 As the camera pans around to the couch, we see Buck with his face in an empty bowl. 
 Peggy, Bud and Kelly are watching a TV report from Fort Lauderdale.

TV     Yes, Connie, I'm coming to you from Fort Lauderdale and we're rocking to celebrate 
       summer's last hurrah, Labor Day Weekend. I don't even know why we're on, because you'd
       have to be a real no-life to be home on a picture perfect day like this.

 Peggy switches off the TV.

KELLY  Oh, Mom, please. Is this how I'm gonna spend Labor Day weekend? Sitting between my mother
       and... [referring to Bud] ... a pizza with everything?

BUD    The holiday got you down, Kel? Well, let's just pretend it's a normal day. Get up on the
       table, dance around and me and Mom will put dollars down your blouse.

 Kelly hits Bud on the forehead.

PEGGY  Now Bud, not everything Reverend Felcher says from the pulpit is true.
       [Peggy pats Kelly on her knee]

 Al enters.

AL     Greeting, Vultures. Your meal ticket's here. [Buck runs upstairs] [Al laughs] 
       Guess where I have been?

 Al sits on the couch between Peg and Kelly, then puts his arms around their shoulders. 
 There are huge sweat stains under his arms.

PEGGY  Locked in the trunk of your car with a dead cat?

AL     And no one understands why I scream on the way home. Anyhow, I was thinking how we could
       have a perfect Labor Day, and then it hit me. While all those families of morons are
       wasting their time going to the beach, guess where we're gonna be?

KELLY  No, not another Family Barbecue.

AL     Yes, A Family Barbecue! [holding out a hand] Who's gonna give it a "Whoa Bundy" here? 
       [no response] ...Eh?
       [Peggy, Kelly and Bud get up from the couch and walk away] ...No one? Fine.

PEGGY  Oh, Al. Honey, don't get us wrong. It's not like we don't enjoy sweltering in the
       backyard, being bitten by horseflies and watching you scratch your sweaty back with our
       salad forks. But Honey, just once we would like to do something WE want.

AL     Well, we can't do something that you want, and I'll tell you why. Because its, it's Labor
       Day, not Leech Day - that's Christmas. It's not Parasite Day - that's Mother's Day. See,
       this is a holiday for the working guy. It celebrates all the people who work so that all
       the people who don't... [referring to his family] ...get to live longer and have more 
       than he does. So tomorrow, unless, God willing, I die in my sleep, I get up for me and
       celebrate for me. Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day.

PEGGY  Gee, I thought that was Al-O-Ween.

KELLY  I don't want to sit around the house all day and sleep. It's like being at school.

AL     No, the difference between here and school is, you'll be out of here when you're eighteen.
       Now, tomorrow, your job is to go shopping.

BUD    Why can't we shop today? Traffic too light?

AL     Because if you were paying attention all these years you'd know that Al Bundy doesn't
       barbecue with day old fixin's. Now, it's your job tomorrow to get me fresh meat, fresh
       cheese and fresh charcoal. And watch those chips; I don't want you getting anything that
       says "natural ingredients". Now kids, since we're all gonna spend the whole day together
       tomorrow, today -- get out. Oh, and don't forget, I don't want my ketchup in those 
       plastic squeeze things, I want bottles just like the Pilgrims had.

PEGGY  I wish you could have seen your father when he was in High School before all this
       happened.

AL     As I recall, they almost did.

 Kelly and Bud start to leave.

KELLY  I can't wait to have kids so I can make them suffer.

BUD    And when they ask who their dad is, you can play Wheel of Father.

 Kelly and Bud go upstairs.
 Al brings Peggy back to the couch with him.

AL     Now, Peg, I don't want you to think that I forgot you in all this, your job is very
       important too. You get to bring the benches from the basement, and scrape off the bird
       doody.

PEGGY  Traditionally, the job of the queen.

AL     That, and killing and eating her mate. Oh, what a day this is gonna be! Can you feel the
       excitement, Peg?

PEGGY  Oh Al, I've given up on excitement. I'm going for relief. Which brings us a little 
       promise you made just last Spring.

AL     Sex again? Peg, we've been married seventeen years now. Can't we just be friends?

PEGGY  No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.

 The doorbell rings and Peggy crosses to the door.

PEGGY  Oh come on, Honey, you promised me that when you were rested, we could do it. And
       besides, the way you do it, it's just like resting anyway.

 Peggy opens the door to Steve and Marcy. Marcy is carrying an urn.
 Marcy steps into the room and Steve waits by the door.

MARCY  Oh, Peggy, I don't know what to do. Steve is an unfeeling cur. As you know, my sainted
       Aunt Tuney passed away.

 Steve steps inside.

STEVE  Sainted, my foot. She used to pay for sailors.

MARCY  She was sixty-seven and they wouldn't come for free. Any... [notices that Peggy has
       disppeared from her left] Anyway, I was her favorite, and the honor of caring for her
       sainted ashes fell to me.

STEVE  And the horrible cross to bear of caring for her hundred thousand dollars fell to her
       cats.

 Marcy takes the lid off of the urn.

MARCY  Oh, Aunt Tuney. No one understands but me.

STEVE  Oh, we understand -- you're insane. Must you carry that urn wherever you go? [to the
       Bundys] She sleeps with it, you know.

PEGGY  [patting Al's knee] I can't throw stones.

STEVE  Look, Marcy, all I'm saying is that it's unhealthy for you to walk around with a load of
       ashes while five moth-eaten cats have a bigger Mercedes than I do. Damn nouveau cats.

AL     Guys, guys, guys. This should be a happy day, not fighting, and arguing and... having sex
       with our spouses. So I'm going to do something that I wouldn't normally do.

PEGGY  Use a Q-Tip?

AL     Oh, want some loving, babe? [to the Rhoades] Anyhow, us Bundys are having a barbecue
       tomorrow and I'm inviting you two to share some of our famous Bundy Burgers.

MARCY  Well, I suppose Aunt Tuney would like a day out in the fresh air.

STEVE  She got enough of that when we rowed her around the lake yesterday. Thank you, Al, we'll
       be glad to come. What can we bring?

AL     Well, just the plates, and some food, and some beers and leave the rest to us. Oh, this 
       is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family,
       good food, and good friends. [reality dawns on Al] Oh, God. What a charade. 
       
 Al breaks down crying. Peggy comforts him. Al looks at her.

AL     Oh God!


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 The Bundy backyard.
 Al is lying on a beach chair with a can of beer. He is singing along with "Who'll Stop the 
 Rain" playing on the radio.

AL     "Still the rain kept falling, while it pounds my ears. And I wonder, still I wonder -
       Who'll stop the rain?"

 Peggy can be heard moaning off screen.

PEGGY  Owww! [Al turns off the radio] This is heavy. Can you give me a hand? 

 Al gets up, adjusts his chair, then sits back down again. 
 Peggy enters, dragging a bench into the backyard.

PEGGY  Thanks, Al. I can take it from here.

AL     Peg, I told you, I gotta conserve my energy if you expect sex tonight.

PEGGY  Sex tonight? My legs are aching, my head is killing me, and I feel queasy. Feel like I
       already had sex with you. So just forget about tonight. When this day is over, I am going
       upstairs and sleep for a week. [Peg laboriously pushes the bench over to the table] This
       is the worst day of my life. Lugging and scrubbing, pushing and pulling, dragging and
       hauling, washing and wiping. [Peg bends over to scrub the bench] God, my back aches. 
       [Al moves his head back and forth along with the movement of Peggy's butt] My front aches.
       Oh. You know, I could die from this. God, I'm so tired.
       
 Al stands behind Peggy with a big stupid grin on his face. Peg turns to face him.

PEGGY  Alright. Now what little dirty job do you have for me? 

Al leers devilishly. Peggy notices the look on Al's face.

PEGGY  Oh, no. [Al holds Peggy and they lay down onto the table out of our view] I'm so tired!

 A short time later.
 Al is sitting on the beach chair. Peggy is scrubbing the table.

PEGGY  I hate you, Al. I really, really hate you. You know, a gentleman would have said, "Thanks
       for the good time, babe. Let me clean that bird doody while you rest."  But not you.
       You are a pig, Al. And my arms are killing me.

 Al is transfixed on Peggy's gyrating butt again.

AL     Scrub harder.

PEGGY  Oh, it still won't come off... Somebody help me.

 Al appears behind Peggy. 

PEGGY  Don't just sit there, do something.
       
 Al taps Peggy on her shoulder and a horrified look appears on Peg's face. Al indicates a '2nd
 time' to Peg, and Peggy clings onto the table as Al drags her away.

PEGGY  Oh God, No! Oh, no! I'm so tired! Nooooo!


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 A short while later.
 Peggy is lying on top of the table.

PEGGY  [gasping] Water.

 Al comes out of the house holding a can of beer and happily singing.

AL     And I wonder, what I wonder, who'll stop the... [speaks cheerfully] Hey Babe!

PEGGY  [weakly] Water.

AL     No time for that now, babe, gotta get ready for the barbecue. Oh, and listen, Honey: 
       don't touch my grill.

PEGGY  It's filthy, Al. Don't you want me to lick it clean so we can have sex again?

AL     No. I like it just the way it is. Last year's grease on the grill, last year's ashes on
       the bottom. That's what makes a Bundy Burger special. Oh, Honey, would you clean up that
       spot that your hair made when it got caught on that nail? I feel good, don't you?

 Al laughs and goes into the house. Peggy gets up and goes to scrub the table again.

PEGGY  I hate barbecues. I hate Labor Day. I hate watching buzzards circle while I'm having sex.
       
 Peggy goes to get more water from the garden hose, but when Peggy picks up the hose, it hooks
 around one leg of the barbecue. The hose tips over the barbecue, all the ashes spill out and 
 are blown away by the wind.

PEGGY  Oh! Oh! He's gonna kill me. Where, where am I gonna get ashes?

 Peggy lights up 3 cigarettes at same time and puffs away over the barbecue.
 Kelly and Bud enter and stare at Peggy.

BUD    She's turning into Grandma before our very eyes.

PEGGY  Kids, kids, Mommy needs a little help. You see, I accidentally knocked over Daddy's
       barbecue and lost his ashes.

 Kelly and Bud gasp.

KELLY  Well, I guess you're out of here, huh Mom? Bud, you're the woman of the house now.

PEGGY  No, I, I, I don't think it's gonna get to that. You see, Daddy doesn't know yet and we
       have one thing going in our favor. Every other family on the block is having a good time
       away from home except us. That means it's open season on their houses. So, I want you to
       check barbecues, fireplaces and ovens for ashes. Oh, whoever goes to the McGintys, bring
       me a Dr. Pepper. Hurry up.
       
 Kelly and Bud leave. 

PEGGY  [wailing] I can't stand this anymore.

AL     [off screen] I can. Come to Daddy!

 Peggy whimpers and trudges into the house.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Later that day in the Bundy backyard.
 Kelly is emptying a bag of ashes into the barbecue. Peggy staggers out from the house.

PEGGY  I hate Labor Day so much. Did you get the ashes?

KELLY  A piece of cake. You know, you can learn a lot about a person going through their house.
       You know Mr. Collins, who lives down the block? He must be a real stud. I mean, he's a
       bachelor, but his whole closet is filled with women's clothing.

 Peggy looks at Kelly uneasily.

BUD    Pretty fancy thinking for a dullard, huh, Mom?

 Steve and Marcy arrive with bags full of groceries.

STEVE  Well, we got the groceries. Thanks so much for inviting us and letting us pay for it. I
       think I still have five dollars left if you need something to get the fire going.

MARCY  You know, Steve, before we eat, I'm just going to check on Aunt Tuney.

STEVE  Marcy, she's dead. Gone, fried, dust. Paying sailors in Hell.

MARCY  You know, Aunt Tuney never liked you.

STEVE  She didn't like anything that didn't rub it's face back and forth across her pot belly.

MARCY  Then, why didn't she like you?

KELLY  Mom, we're hungry... and your underwear is under the table. Where's Dad?

PEGGY  Uhh, he's getting ready, Honey. And you know what that means.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 The Bundy living room/kitchen. "Bad To The Bone" starts playing. Al opens a black case
 containing his barbecue gear. He puts on: an apron that reads "Kiss the cook. Kill the wife", 
 a chef's hat and a tool belt. Al attaches to the tool belt: a spatula, barbecue fork, and 
 tongs. Al then puts on an oven glove and holds his gloved hand up.

AL     Let's cook.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 Al steps into the backyard from the house. He stands still and holds up his gloved hand again.

STEVE  Finally, we can eat.

PEGGY  Not quite yet.

AL     Labor Day. What does it mean to us? To answer that question, we hark back [scratches his
       back with the barbecue fork] to earlier times. You see, kids... while the cavewoman sat
       around getting fat, smoking cigarettes and watching The Phil Jabberman Show, the caveman
       braved the elements, risking life and limb and the pre-historic beasts, with only the 
       hair on his back for protection... [time passes by] ...In 1492, Columbus brought Labor 
       Day to America... [more time passes] ...and the women STILL did nothing! And that's what
       Labor Day means to me.

STEVE  May we eat now?

AL     Not quite yet.

MARCY  What other torture can he possibly inflict on us???

 A short time passes and we see the Bundys and the Rhoades standing to attention as Peggy sings
 The Star Spangled Banner.

PEGGY  [singing out of tune] O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave.

 Al wipes a tear from his eye.

AL     And the burgers take the field. [Al puts the first burger onto the grill] In exactly
       eleven minutes and seven seconds you're gonna sink your teeth into the best burger they
       ever yanked out of a cow.

STEVE  Ooh, Al, you make it sound so good, but Marcy and I rarely eat red meat so would you mind
       fixing up this salmon I brought?

 Steve gives Al a package containing a piece of fish.

AL     Oh, no problem. [Steve walks off and Al throws the fish over the fence into the Rhoades'
       backyard] No fish will ever touch my grill. 

 Al sees Peggy trying hard to get the ketchup bottle open.

AL     Well, we still have three more minutes before it's time to turn the burgers. Come on, 
       Peg, this is your lucky day!

PEGGY  It's open, Al. Really, it's open, and it wasn't hard at all. [Al drags Peggy into the
       house] Oh, No...

 About 10 minutes later, Al takes in the aroma of the first burgers off the grill before handing
 them out.

STEVE  What happened to my fish?

AL     Oh. Well, it fell on the ground. Eat up!
       [impatient for approval of the burgers] Well?

BUD    Mmm-mmm. The greatest, Dad.

KELLY  Delicious.

AL     Peg? 

 Peggy whimpers, gets up and heads wearily towards the house.

AL     Ah, not that. I meant how's your burger?

PEGGY  I know what you want. You want me to say that it's tough and chewy so you can have your
       way with me again. Well, it's not. It's light and fluffy and melts in my mouth. Ha!

 Peggy walks proudly back to the table.

AL     [to Steve] Steve. How's your burger?

STEVE  You know, I hate to admit it, but this is the best burger I ever had. What's your secret?

AL     Well, I sneak over to the nudie place a couple of times a month in order to make it
       through life.

 Steve has difficulty comprehending Al's answer.

STEVE  No. I meant about your burgers.

AL     Oh, oh. Well, the secrets in the ashes, Steve. You see, I never clean my grill. Ashes of
       the past for the burgers of the future. [Al notices Marcy] Marcy, you're not eating?

MARCY  How can I eat with you talking about ashes? It only makes me think of my poor Aunt Tuney,
       up on our mantle over our fireplace in her little urn.

 When Kelly hears Marcy's reply, she immediately stops eating and a worried look appears on her
 face.

KELLY  Uh, excuse me but, what did you say was in a little urn above your fireplace?

MARCY  The ashes of my dead aunt.

 Kelly drinks water from a large container, then runs over to the fence and spits out the water
 into the Rhoades' backyard. Kelly rushes over to Bud, whom is busy eating.

KELLY  Bud, can I talk to you for a second?

 Bud's mouth is full and he grunts at Kelly to leave him alone. Kelly whispers in Bud's ear. 
 Bud coughs and spits out the burger, he wipes his tongue frantically on his shirt. Bud then
 leans over to Peggy, and whispers in her ear. Peggy has a similar reaction, then she gets up 
 and starts chasing Kelly around the backyard. Bud taps Steve on his shoulder and whispers in 
 his ear. Steve stares intensely at his burger, then a huge grin appears on his face. He takes 
 a massive bite from the burger.

AL     Marcy, come on, you're not eating any. Take a bite, you'll like it.

STEVE  [concerned] Uh, Marcy...

MARCY  Shut up, Ghoul.

STEVE  [unconcerned] Alrighty!

 Steve gets up and moves away. Peggy is still chasing Kelly around the backyard.
 Marcy sits next to Al, and starts to eat her burger.

MARCY  Mmmm, these are quite good. Mmm. You know, Al, I'm sorry to be such a party pooper. It's
       just that I loved my Aunt very much. [still eating her burger] Mmmm, these are delicious.
       But Aunt Tuney meant so much to me.

AL     I know she did, Marce, [Al takes a bite of his burger] but sometimes we've just gotta put
       the dead behind us.

MARCY  You know, Aunt Tuney loved a good barbecue. I only wish she could be with us right now.

AL     If it's any comfort to you, Marce, I'm sure she's with is in spirit. [side-tracked by his
       burger] Mm, Mm, Mm, bone. [spits it out] And if she was here, I'm sure she'd be saying
       just what we're saying now. These are the best burgers this side of heaven!

 Al puts his arm around Marcy and they continue to eat. Peggy has caught Kelly and she is
 strangling her on the ground. Bud holds a bag open while Steve puts Aunt Tuney's ashes into it.



THE END