Regular Cast:

AL BUNDY .............. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ........... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ......... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ......... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ............. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ......... MIKE, THE DOG

Guest Cast:

FANNY ................. LaRUE STANLEY
FIFI .................. LUANN LEE
LOIS .................. HEALY CUNNINGHAM
MRS. McGINTY .......... DELORES ALBIN
MARSHA ................ SHIRLEY PRESTIA


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING

(AL ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND)

AL	(CALLS OUT) Peg? Kids?

(NO RESPONSE. HE LOOKS UP)

AL	Thank you. No wife. No kids. No pain. The way God intended.

(AL SITS ON THE COUCH, SIGHS AND STICKS HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS)

AL	Now. I am truly alive.

(PEGGY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)

PEGGY	Hi, honey. Are the kids home?

AL	What's it to you?

PEGGY	Nothing, really. I was just thinking we could spend some time together.

(AL IMMEDIATELY GRABS THE REMOTE CONTROL AND TURNS ON THE TV)

SFX: TV ON

(PEGGY GRABS THE REMOTE FROM AL AND TURNS OFF THE TV)

SFX: TV OFF

(SHE SMILES AT HIM. HE SMILES AT HER. AL PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER AND STARTS TO READ. PEGGY TAKES IT OUT OF
HIS HANDS. SHE SMILES AT HIM, HE SMILES AT HER. SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER)

PEGGY	Isn't this nice? (BEAT) Let's have sex.

AL	Wait a second, Peg. Didn't we do it last month?

PEGGY	Yeah, but let's finish it. Now sit up, shut up and brace yourself.

(SHE NAILS AL TO THE COUCH)

AL	(YELLING) Kids! Save me!

PEGGY	No one can help you, Al. Take me on a thirty second trip to the moon.

(PEGGY GRABS AL AND KISSES HIM. KELLY AND BUD ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)

BUD	Damn! It's Mom's birthday.

(THEY BREAK THE KISS)

AL	Kids. Come in here. Don't ever leave me alone with your mother again. 

PEGGY	How was school?

BUD	It was fine, Mom. This is our last week.

(BUD SITS IN THE CHAIR)

KELLY	Uh, oh. I better start going. 

(KELLY SITS ON THE COUCH NEXT TO AL AND PEGGY)

PEGGY	Kelly, are you failing again? Say something to her, Al.

AL	This is no good, Kelly. Now, go play.

(KELLY SMILES AND STARTS TO EXIT UPSTAIRS. BUD TAKES HER PLACE ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY	Al, let's not forget we're parents. C'mon, Kelly, there must be someone at school you can cheat
	off. You can't be a Junior forever.

KELLY	(PULLING HER HAIR) Oh, the pressure. Kelly, you have to go to school. Kelly, you have to pass.
	Kelly, you have to learn to read. How am I supposed to grow up with all this hanging over my head?

(PEGGY GETS UP AND CROSSES TO KELLY)

PEGGY	Come on, now, sweetheart. I know you can pass. You're a smart girl.

(PEGGY LOOKS AT AL AND BUD BEHIND KELLY'S BACK AND LAUGHS. THEY JOIN IN, THEN)

KELLY	You're right, Mom. And I will not be seen sitting next to my little brother in since class.

BUD	That's science class, Kell.

PEGGY	Oh, Al. She's trying so hard. 

KELLY	Hey, maybe what I need is a smart feeb with no social life to tutor me. Bud, would you help me
	pass?

BUD	I'll give it a shot. But I might have more luck teaching Buck how to sing and dance.

(BUD AND KELLY HEAD UPSTAIRS)

BUD	What subjects do you need help in?

KELLY	I don't know. What classes am I taking?

(BUD STOPS AND STARES AT HER A BEAT. THEY EXIT UP THE STAIRS)

PEGGY	Oh, Al. A warm family moment. (THEN) Now, sit up, shut up and brace yourself.

AL	Wait a second, Peg. Remember, the kids are here. Now, if you want to have sex they'll have to leave.
	And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

(SHE PULLS HIM TOWARD THE DOOR TO THE BASEMENT)

PEGGY	I want us to have a beautiful expression of our love. Now come on. Let's go downstairs. You can put
	some dirty laundry on the ping pong table and disappoint me as only you can.

AL	Well, after you, sweetheart.

(SHE EXITS. HE LOCKS THE DOOR BEHIND HER. HE CROSSES BACK TO THE COUCH AS SHE POUNDS ON THE DOOR)

PEGGY	(O.S.) Open this door, Al. When I get out of here, we're gonna do it twice. That means a full 
	minute, Al.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER

(THE BASEMENT DOOR HAS BEEN TORN THROUGH. PEGGY IS PULLING AT AL. HE HOLDS THE COUCH FOR DEAR LIFE)

PEGGY	I deserve a beautiful expression of our love, you slug, and I'm going to have it.

(KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS. THEY STARE AT AL AND PEGGY)

PEGGY	Oh, hi, kids. 

(PEGGY LETS GO OF AL AND STRAIGHTENS UP)

PEGGY	So how's the studying going?

KELLY	Great. We're on our way to the library. Bud's really been helping me. We've been studying history. 
	For instance, did you know that Thomas Jefferon's wife was black? He and Weezie were poor once, you
	know. He was a real Renaissance man. He was an architect and a dry cleaner.

BUD	And a songwriter. Tell 'em, Kell.

KELLY   Well, when Thomas Jefferson was writing the Declaration of Independence, on the back he wrote
	this song. (SINGING THE THEME FROM "THE JEFFERSONS")
	WELL, I'M MOVING ON UP,
	TO THE EASTSIDE
	TO A DE-LUXE APARTMENT IN THE SKYYYYY...

(AL RUBS HIS TEMPLES)

KELLY	(SINGING) WE'RE MOVING ON UP

BUD	(SINGING) MOVING ON UP

KELLY	(SINGING) TO THE EASTSIDE

BUD	(SINGING) MOVING ON UP

KELLY	(SINGING) WE FINALLY GOT A PIECE OF THE PIIIIIIEEEEE.

(AL AND PEGGY STARE AT THEM)

BUD	Junior no more. Huh, Dad?

(KELLY AND BUD EXIT OUT THE FRONT DOOR)

PEGGY	Al, I'm worried about Kelly.

(AL NODS)

PEGGY	Oh, well. Now, sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.

(SHE PULLS AL TOWARDS HER BY THE TIE. A BEAT, THEN MARCY, FANNY, LOIS, MARSHA AND FIFI ENTER)

MARCY	Peggy, there's something disgusting going on in this neighborhood.

AL	See, Peg? Now, everybody knows.

PEGGY	I knew we should have skipped foreplay.

(AL AND PEGGY SIT UP)

PEGGY 	What happened, Marce?

(MARCY SITS ON THE COUCH)

MARCY	It was horrible. I was just getting into my nightie before Steve came home for a little three hour
	lovefest...

(PEGGY LOOKS AT AL. SHE SMACKS HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD)

MARCY	It's all we have time for on a work night.

(PEGGY WHACKS AL AGAIN. HE REACTS)

MARCY	Then I saw this hideous face in the window. It was a peeper.

MARSHA	Men are slime.

FANNY	That's right.

(STEVE ENTERS)

MARSHA	Here's one.

(ALL THE WOMEN HIT HIM. HE FIGHTS THROUGH TO MARCY)

STEVE	Hi, honey. I thought I saw you over here. So, before I deck the whole herd over there, what's
	going on?

MARCY	Oh, Steve, I was peeped. It was awful. He saw me in all my nakedness.

STEVE	Uh, what did he see, honey? Did he see your Jimmies?

MARCY	He saw it all, Steve.

AL	Uh, Marcy, did they find this guy passed out in the bushes, still twitching from fear? 'Cause, I
	mean, just the thought of it gives me the heebie jeebies.

(AL AND PEGGY LAUGH. MARCY DIVES AT AL AND STARTS STRANGLING HIM. STEVE PULLS HER AWAY)

MARCY	Anyway, I screamed and ran outside. The neighborhood women came to my aid and guess what?
	He's been peeping all over the neighborhood. We've got ourselves a serial peeper.

FANNY	He peeped me last night. 

(THE WOMEN GASP)

PEGGY	He peeped you?

FANNY	Yes. It was horrible.

AL	And how was it for you?

(FANNY REACTS. STEVE SITS ON THE COUCH)

STEVE	Al, please. The fat and unattractive have rights, too.

FIFI	So do the beautiful. I was peeped, too.

AL	The beast! Could you show us what he saw?

MARCY	This swine must be stopped. And we're just the babes to do it.

(THE WOMEN WALLA AGREEMENT)

LOIS	Yeah. No man looks at me and lives.

AL	You said a mouthful.

LOIS	Let's lynch him!

MARSHA	That's right!

LOIS	String him up!

MARSHA	Yes!

MARCY	All right. But before we hang him, we'll bring him to my garage. We have a stereo there that we can use to
	cover his screams. And a screamin' he will be. I know a toenail doesn't seem like much, but when
	peeled slowly away from the peeper's body with a pair of rusty tweezers, then justice will belong
	to the peepees.

WOMEN	Yes!

STEVE	Uh, Marcy...

(STEVE GETS UP AND GESTURES FOR MARCY TO COME OVER. SHE DOES)

STEVE	What about the Big Boys? Did he see them, too?

MARCY	Steve, how could he see the Jimmies and not see the Big Boys? Now, shut up.

MARSHA	All right, then. Are we all together on the slow and brutal death of this man?

WOMEN	Oh, yes!

MARSHA	What about you, Peggy?

PEGGY	(UNCERTAINLY) Well, sure, he must be sto -- he peeped you, too?? Is there anyone this guy hasn't 
	peeped?

MARCY	Just you and old lady McGinty.

(MRS. McGINTY ENTERS WAVING HER CANE AND WEARING A HOUSEDRESS)

MRS. M	Something must be done. I've just been peeped.

(THE WOMEN GASP)

PEGGY	Oh, Al. Nobody wants to peep me. Hold me.

(HE DOES)

AL	Well, nobody wants to hold you, either...

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

(PEGGY IS PACING BACK AND FORTH IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW. THE LIGHTS ARE ON. AL IS IN BED. THEN, PEGGY
HEARS SOMETHING AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN)

PEGGY	Al, he's looking at me!

(AL CROSSES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT)

AL	No, Peg. It's an owl. Yeah, he's seen you. He's spinning out of control. Now he's down. (THEN)
	Well, you've killed. Can we shut the window now?

(AL SITS ON THE BED)

PEGGY	Al, tell me the truth. I'm losing my looks, aren't I?

AL	No!

PEGGY	You're just saying that 'cause you know that's what I want to hear. Now, tell me the truth. Am
	I losing my looks?

AL	Yes.

PEGGY	You pig. You know I'm down. The least you could do is lie.

AL	Well, come on, honey. Sit down here a second.

(PEGGY RELUCTANTLY SITS NEXT TO AL ON THE EDGE OF THE BED)

PEGGY	But, he can't see me if I'm sitting down.

AL	Peg, look. This guy is obviously crazy. I mean, he must be crazy if he won't look at you. You
	got it all, Peg.

PEGGY	(FLATTERED) Like what, Al?

AL	Well... y'know... like... I don't know. I just said it 'cause I'm tired. 

PEGGY	Look, Al. I let you sleep through the conception of our two children. But not this time. No one
	is going to sleep until I get peeped.

(PEGGY GOES BACK TO THE WINDOW)

AL	Well, Peg, maybe it's just 'cause we're up here on the second floor and all, and it's hard to
	get up here to look.

PEGGY	That's no excuse. I left a ladder, and milk and cookies on the ledge.

(AL REACTS. BUD POKES HIS HEAD IN WITH KELLY)

BUD	Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.

AL	How's the studying coming?

BUD	Great. Kelly, tell Mom and Dad the theory of relativity.

KELLY	Mom and Dad are my relatives. Therefore, I am.

(SHE LOOKS FOR APPROVAL)

AL	That's terrific, honey. Bud, can I talk to you for a second over here?

KELLY	From now on, I'm gonna be "Kelly Bundy, senior". Not just a name on the bathroom wall.

(KELLY EXITS. BUD SITS NEXT TO AL)

AL	Now, son. I know you're having fun with your sister, her being, well, a dullard and all, but if
	Kelly doesn't get out of high school, she'll never leave home. Then Daddy will never get his own
	room. If that happens, I just might run amuck. In alphabetical order. Do you understand... 
	(POINTEDLY) ... Bud?

BUD	I think I understand.

(HE STARTS OUT, THEN TURNS BACK)

BUD	So, no "Shakespeare, The Friendly Ghost"?

(AL SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO")

BUD	No, "I Dream Of Lincoln"?

AL	No, Bud.

BUD	Why did you have me?

(BUD EXITS)

AL	Peg. Why did we have him? (BEAT) Peg?

(PEGGY IS GAZING PATHETICALLY OUT THE WINDOW)

PEGGY	(OUT WINDOW) I have cookies. (BEAT) He's not coming. Nobody wants to look at me. Nobody wants me.
	Nobody loves me.

(SHE WAILS)

AL	(V.O.) You know what you have to do, Cowboy. (THEN, TO PEGGY) I care about you, Pookie.

PEGGY	Really, Al?

AL	(LONG BEAT. THEN UNENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, yes. Do I ever. Just seeing you over there by the window
	really turns me on. Come to Daddy.

PEGGY	Oh, Al.

(THEY GET IN BED)

AL	(DISGUSTEDLY) Oh, God.

(HE TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS)

LFX: LIGHTS OUT

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A WEEK LATER - NIGHT

(AL IS ON THE COUCH AND PEGGY IS ON THE PHONE)

PEGGY	(ON PHONE) Well, it's not my fault. I'm sure he'll peep me in his own good time. Goodbye, Mom.

(PEGGY HANGS UP)

PEGGY	Well, the peeper is still working the neighborhood. Everyone has been peeped twice and here I am
	peepless. 

AL	(DULLY) Oh, Peg. Seeing you sitting there on the phone, really turns me on...

PEGGY	Oh, shut up, Al. You think I'm really satisfied hearing you say "28, 29, 30, I'm outta here"?
	Now, I am going upstairs to try on some clothes in the window.

(PEGGY EXITS UPSTAIRS)

AL	Maybe I oughta get a job in the bomb squad. At least then there'll be hope.

(KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS)

BUD	Hi, Dad. Whatcha doing?

AL	Sittin' by the dock of the bay, wastin' time. Is she learning anything?

BUD	Kelly, what's the Bill of Rights?

KELLY	The first ten Amendments to the Constitution.

BUD	What are the three main types of clouds?

KELLY	There are three. Cumulus, cirrus and stratus.

BUD	What is a synapse?

KELLY	The junction -- a microscopic gap, actually -- of two neighboring neurons, or nerve cells.

(AL STARES)

AL	It's incredible. Good job, Bud.

(BUD SITS NEXT TO AL)

BUD	Thanks, Dad. But there is one slight problem. See, if you take a gallon of knowledge and pour it 
	into a shot glass of a brain, you're gonna spill some. In other words, certain basic information
	had to be sacrificed.

AL	Like what?

SFX: DOORBELL

KELLY	What was that?

(BUD LOOKS BACK AT AL, THEN, TO KELLY)

BUD	The doorbell.

KELLY	Ah. (BEAT) Who's the old guy?

BUD	That's Dad.

KELLY	Oh. (BEAT, THEN TO AL) Are you our dog?

(BUD FORCES A SMILE AND LEADS KELLY UPSTAIRS. THE DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN)

KELLY	(PROUDLY) Doorbell.

(BUD PATS HER SHOULDER ENCOURAGINGLY. THEY EXIT UPSTAIRS, AS AL OPENS THE DOOR. STEVE ENTERS)

STEVE	Al, I've got a problem. This Peeping Tom thing is ruining my marriage. Marcy's so upset, she
	hasn't let me have sex with her for five days.

AL	Well, it could be worse. I've had sex with mine for five straight days. The only way I get 
	through it is to put a little TV next to her on the pillow so I can watch "Get Smart".

STEVE	Well, I like having sex with Marcy. Without sex, I might as well live with my mother and be
	happy. At least in the morning I'd get my juice and vitamin in bed.

AL	Really? My mom would just light me up a Lucky and send me off to school. (THEN) Help me, Steve. I
	can't go on having sex with my wife. 

STEVE	I can't go on having sex without mine.

(AL GIVES STEVE A LOOK)

PEGGY	(O.S.) Peeper's not coming. Oh, God. I need a man. Let me see. Oh well. Al?

(AL LOOKS AT STEVE NERVOUSLY)

STEVE	Ah, take it easy, Al. Once Peggy gets peeped, things will be back to normal. Whatever that may be
	around this house.

PEGGY	(O.S.) Al? Oh sweet'ums?

AL	(V.O.) You know what you have to do now, Cowboy.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

(WE SEE THE OPEN BATHROOM DOOR AND HEAR PEGGY SINGING)

PEGGY	(SINGING) LOVE FOR SALE
	TANTALIZING LOVE -

(PEGGY GARGLES)

PEGGY	(SINGING) LOVE FOR SALE

(AL'S HEAD APPEARS IN THE WINDOW. HE PUTS PANTYHOSE OVER HIS HEAD AND TAPS ON THE WINDOW. NO
PEGGY. HE MAKES GHOST SOUNDS. NO RESPONSE)

AL	Peep. Peep. Peeper here.

(HE SEES THE COOKIES ON THE LEDGE)

AL	Hmm. Cookies. 

(HE TAKES A COOKIE, SLIPS IT UNDER THE PANTYHOSE AND EATS IT)

AL	Peep. Peep. Ah, to hell with it.

(HE STARTS DOWN THE LADDER. SUDDENLY FLOODLIGHTS FROM THE GROUND SHINE UP ON AL'S PANICKED FACE)

LFX: FLOODLIGHT

(WE HEAR THE WOMEN YELL, "IT'S HIM. IT'S THE PEEPER.")

MARCY	(O.S.) Let's get him, girls.

FANNY	(O.S.) Get the gasoline.

(PEGGY ENTERS. SHE SEES AL AND STARTS SCREAMING)

PEGGY	Help! Help! Peeper! Peeper! (THEN) It's about time. How dare you.

(SHE GOES TO THE WINDOW AND PUSHES THE LADDER. AL GOES DOWN)

AL	(O.S.) Whoaa!

MARCY	(O.S.) Now, we've got you. Start it up, girls.

SFX: CHAINSAW STARTING

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

(AL IS ON THE COUCH, WRAPPED IN BANDAGES. HE HAS A HUGE BANDAGE COMPLETELY COVERING HIS PANTS HAND. HIS
OTHER ARM IS IN A SLING. HIS HEAD IS BANDAGED. PEGGY BRINGS HIM A CAN WITH A STRAW, AND HE SIPS)

PEGGY	Oh, honey. That was so sweet of you to pretend to be the peeper just to make me feel good. Well,
	great news. Last night, while you were in intensive care, I finally got peeped by the real peeper.
	Isn't that great?

AL	I'm so happy for you. Hmm, tooth.

(AL SPITS OUT A TOOTH)

PEGGY	Oh, and by the way, honey, the neighborhood women feel really bad about setting you on fire like
	that.

AL	That's okay. I'm just sorry I kept going out on them. Must've been all that sweat.

(BUD ENTERS)

BUD	Folks, a big welcome for Kelly Bundy, senior.

(KELLY ENTERS PROUDLY)

KELLY	I passed. 

(PEGGY CLAPS. AL DOES TOO, PAINFULLY)

KELLY	Thank God, I don't have to study ever again. I'm a senior. Oh, man. Two more years and I graduate.

(PEGGY GETS UP)

PEGGY	Oh, honey. This calls for a real celebration. Let's go out.

(THE KIDS WALLA EXCITEMENT)

AL	Could someone bring me my medicine here?

PEGGY	Let's spend all of Daddy's money!

(THE KIDS WALLA EXCITED AGREEMENT AND THE THREE OF THEM EXIT)

AL	(CALLING OUT AFTER THEM) Painkiller's wearing off over here.

(THE DOOR CLOSES AFTER PEGGY AND THE KIDS)

AL	Ah, to hell with 'em. At least I'm alone. Now I can relax.

(AL TRIES TO PUT HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS BUT IT WON'T FIT)

FREEZE FRAME

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO