Regular Cast:

AL BUNDY .............. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ........... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ......... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ......... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ............. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ......... MIKE, THE DOG

Guest Cast:

FANNY ................. LaRUE STANLEY
FIFI .................. LUANN LEE
LOIS .................. HEALY CUNNINGHAM
MRS. McGINTY .......... DELORES ALBIN
MARSHA ................ SHIRLEY PRESTIA


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING

(AL ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH. HE LOOKS AROUND)

AL	(CALLS OUT) Peg? Kids?

(NO RESPONSE. HE LOOKS UP)

AL	Thank you. No wife. No kids. The way God intended.

(AL SIGHS AND STICKS HIS HANDS DOWN HIS PANTS)

AL	Now. I am truly alive.

(PEGGY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)

PEGGY	Hi, honey. Are the kids home?

AL	No.

PEGGY	Oh, good. We can spend some time together.

(AL IMMEDIATELY GRABS THE REMOTE CONTROL AND TURNS ON THE TV)

SFX: TV ON

(PEGGY GRABS THE REMOTE FROM AL AND TURNS OFF THE TV)

SFX: TV OFF

(SHE SMILES AT HIM. HE SMILES AT HER. AL PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER AND STARTS TO READ. PEGGY TAKES IT OUT OF
HIS HANDS. SHE SMILES AT HIM, HE SMILES AT HER. AL GETS UP TO LEAVE. PEGGY PULLS HIM DOWN. SHE LAYS HER
HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER)

PEGGY	Isn't this nice? (BEAT) Let's have sex.

(PEGGY CUDDLES UP TO AL)

AL	Wait a second. Didn't we do this last month?

PEGGY	Yeah, but let's finish it. Now sit up, shut up and brace yourself.

(SHE KISSES AL ON THE NECK)

AL	(YELLING) Help! Help! Help! Save me!

PEGGY	No one can help you. Come on, Al. Take me on a thirty second trip to the moon.

AL	(WHINES) I don't wanna go. Can't you go without me?

PEGGY	Not this time.

(PEGGY GRABS AL AND KISSES HIM. KELLY AND BUD ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)

BUD	Damn! It's Mom's birthday.

(THEY BREAK THE KISS)

AL	Kids. Don't ever leave me alone with your mother again. Come sit down. Tell us about your day.
	How was your first week of school?

BUD	A dim memory. This is our last week of school.

KELLY	Uh, oh. I better start going. I hope I didn't miss all the Junior dances.

BUD	Don't worry. You'll catch them next year when we'll both be Juniors.

PEGGY	Kelly, are you failing again? Say something to her, Al.

AL	This is no good, Kelly. Now, go play.

PEGGY	Al, let's not forget we're parents. C'mon, Kelly, there must be someone at school you can cheat
	off. You have to pass.

KELLY	(PULLING HER HAIR) Oh, the pressure. Kelly, go to school, pass, learn to read. How am I supposed
	to grow up with all this hanging over my head?

PEGGY	Come on, Kelly. You can pass. You're a smart girl.

(PEGGY LOOKS AT AL AND BUD BEHIND KELLY'S BACK AND LAUGHS. THEY JOIN IN, THEN)

PEGGY	All you have to do is apply yourself a little bit and you can do anything you want.

(PEGGY, AL AND BUD LAUGH AGAIN)

KELLY	You're right. I mean nobody thought I could date the whole football team, ... (PROUDLY) ... but I
	did.

PEGGY	Atta girl.

KELLY	I'm gonna pass. I will not be seen sitting next to my little brother in since class.

BUD	That's science, Kell.

KELLY	Potato, tomato. What's the difference? I'll learn all that as a Senior. From now on when I go to
	school, I'm gonna stay awake. Bud, how do you do that?

BUD	Look, Kelly. All you gotta do when you're in English class is open a book...

(BUD OPENS A BOOK TO DEMONSTRATE. KELLY INSTANTLY FALLS ASLEEP. PEGGY ELBOWS HER)

KELLY	(STARTLED) Lunch?

PEGGY	Oh, Al. She's trying so hard. (THEN) Bud, I want you to help your sister. You know what we say.
	When one Bundy is down, the others hop on top. No, that doesn't apply here. What was it? Oh,
	yeah. It was that our dream is that neither of you will be the failure that your father is.

(SHE TAKES AL'S HAND)

KELLY	(TO BUD) Would you help me pass? I'd be grateful forever. I'd really appreciate it, Zit Warrior.

BUD	(BEAT) Ah, why not? Let's get to work, Duh-orama.

(BUD AND KELLY EXIT UP THE STAIRS)

PEGGY	Oh, Al. A warm family moment. (THEN) Now, sit up, shut up and brace yourself.

AL	Peg, I live braces. But the kids are in the house. If you really want sex they'll have to leave.
	And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

(SHE PULLS HIM TOWARD THE DOOR TO THE BASEMENT)

PEGGY	Al, I want us to have a beautiful expression of our love. So let's go downstairs, throw some
	dirty laundry on the ping pong table and disappoint me as only you can.

AL	After you, sweetheart.

(SHE EXITS. HE LOCKS THE DOOR BEHIND HER. HE CROSSES BACK TO THE OUCH AS SHE POUNDS ON THE DOOR)

PEGGY	(O.S.) Open up, Al. When I get out, we're doing it twice. That means a minute, Al.

(HE SIGHS AND PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER

(THE BASEMENT DOOR IS OFF THE HINGES. PEGGY IS PULLING AT AL. HE HOLDS THE COUCH FOR DEAR LIFE)

PEGGY	I deserve a beautiful expression of our love, you slug, and I'm going to have it.

(KELLY AND BUND ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS. THEY STARE AT AL AND PEGGY)

PEGGY	Oh, hi, kids. I was just checking to see if Daddy's pants go with this couch. So how's the
	studying going?

KELLY	Great. We're on our way to the library. Bud's really been helping me. If they'd only teach like
	this in school. Did you know when Thomas Jefferson was writing the Declaration of Independence,
	he wrote this song? (SINGING THE THEME FROM "THE JEFFERSONS")
	WELL, I'M MOVING ON UP,
	TO THE EASTSIDE
	TO A DE-LUXE APARTMENT IN THE SKYYYYY...

BUD	So, you see, she has natural intelligence. She just doesn't use it. Tell us about the
	Jeffersons, Kell.

KELLY	Well, it's a little known fact, but Thomas Jefferson's wife was black. He and Weezy were poor
	once, you know. He was a real Renaissance man. He was an architect and a dry cleaner, and he had
	a maid named Florence.

BUD	Don't forget, Kel, ... (SINGING) ... THEY FINALLY GOT A PIECE...

KELLY	... OF THE PIIIIIIEEEEE.

BUD	Junior no more. Huh, Dad?

(KELLY AND BUD EXIT OUT THE FRONT DOOR)

PEGGY	(SIGHS) Well, the world needs fry cooks, too. (THEN) Now sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.

(SHE DIVES ON HIM. A BEAT, THEN MARCY, FANNY, LOIS, MARSHA AND FIFI ENTER)

MARCY	Peggy.

(PEGGY PICKS HER HEAD UP)

PEGGY	Oh, hi, Marcy. I was just seeing if Al's pants go with this couch.

MARCY	Peggy, there's something disgusting going on in this neighborhood.

AL	See, Peg? Now, everybody knows.

PEGGY	Shut up, Al. Every word you say adds thirty seconds to your sentence. What happened, Marcy?

MARCY	It was horrible. I was getting into my nightie before Steve got home for a little three hour
	quickie...

(PEGGY LOOKS AT AL. SHE SMACKS HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD)

MARCY	When I saw this horrible face in the window. It was a peeper.

MARSHA	Men are slime.

(STEVE ENTERS)

MARSHA	Here's one.

(ALL THE WOMEN HIT HIM. HE FIGHTS THROUGH TO MARCY)

STEVE	Hi, honey. Thought I saw you over here. So, before I deck the whole herd over there, what's
	going on?

MARCY	Oh, Steve, I was peeped. It was awful. He saw me in all my nakedness.

STEVE	Uh, how much did he see, honey? Did he see your Jimmies?

MARCY	He saw it all, Steve.

STEVE	Oh God.

AL	You said it. Did they find this guy passed out in the bushes, still twitching from fear? 'Cause I
	got the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

MARCY	Anyway, I let out a scream and ran outside. The neighborhood women came to my aid and guess what?
	He's been peeping all over the neighborhood. We've got ourselves a serial peeper.

STEVE	Did he see... the old man?

MARCY	I said he saw it all.

STEVE	Oh, God.

FANNY	He peeped me last night. Harold and I had just finished foreplay... dinner, and I had just 
	started a striptease to "Climb Every Mountain", when it happened. I was peeped.

(THE WOMEN GASP)

PEGGY	He peeped you?

FANNY	Yes. It was horrible.

AL	And how was it for you?

(FANNY REACTS)

STEVE	Al, please. The fat and unattractive have rights, too. (TO FANNY) Go on, dear.

FANNY	(TO STEVE) Thank you. Anyway, I was so upset. Thank God for the House of Pies.

FIFI	I was peeped, too.

AL	(INTERESTED) Tell us about it.

FIFI	You know, it's disgusting enough that men ogle you like pieces of meat on the street, but in our
	own homes? Are we not human beings?

(AL DROPS A NAPKIN. FIFI BENDS OVER TO PICK IT UP. AL AND STEVE OGLE FIFI)

MARCY	Fifi is right. We must band together and form a lynch mob.

LOIS	No man looks at me and lives.

AL	You said a mouthful.

PEGGY	Wait a second. He peeped you?

(LOIS NODS)

MARCY	This swine must be stopped. And we're just the babes to do it.

(THE WOMEN WALLA AGREEMENT AND WALLA "LYNCH HIM.")

MARCY	Yes. But before we hang him, we'll take him to my garage. We have a stereo there we can use to
	cover his screams. And a screamin' he will be. I know a toenail doesn't seem like much, but when
	peeled slowly away from the body with a pair of rusty tweezers, a man could learn the right way
	to treat a lady. All right, then. Are we all together on this?

MARSHA	Yes. I demand the right to cook and dance and generally languish in the nude in my own home.

(AL AND STEVE ARE DISGUSTED)

PEGGY	He peeped you too? Is there anybody he hasn't peeped?

MARCY	Just you and old lady McGinty.

PEGGY	Well, why would anyone peep her? She's ninety and her one dress is eighty-four.

(MRS. McGINTY ENTERS WAVING HER CANE AND WEARING A HOUSEDRESS)

MRS. M	Something must be done. I've just been peeped. I'm sure my body is somewhere on a French postcard
	by now.

PEGGY	He peeped you?

(THE WOMEN RUN TO THE DOOR AND SURROUND OLD MRS. McGINTY. THEY BEGIN TO CHANT)

WOMEN	Death to the Peeper!
	Death to the Peeper!

PEGGY	Oh, Al. No one wants to peep me. Hold me.

(HE DOES)

AL	Nobody wants to hold you either. I don't get it. The peeper's out free, and I got a home where
	the buffalo roam.

(THE WOMEN CHANT ON)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

(PEGGY IS PACING BACK AND FORTH IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW. THE LIGHTS ARE ON. AL IS IN BED. THEN, PEGGY
HEARS SOMETHING AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN)

PEGGY	Al, he's looking at me!

(AL CROSSES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT)

AL	No, Peg. It was just an owl. Yep, he saw you. He's spinning out of control. He's down. (THEN)
	Well, you've killed. Can we close the window now?

PEGGY	Al, tell me the truth. I'm losing my looks, aren't I?

AL	No.

PEGGY	You're just saying that because you think that's what I want to hear. Now, tell me the truth. Am
	I losing my looks?

AL	Yes.

PEGGY	You pig. You know I'm down. The least you could do is lie.

AL	Peg, come here. Sit down.

(PEGGY RELUCTANTLY SITS NEXT TO AL ON THE EDGE OF THE BED)

PEGGY	But, he won't be able to see me sitting down.

AL	Look, Peg. Obviously this guy's crazy. I mean he'd have to be crazy not to look at you. You've
	got it all, Peg.

PEGGY	(FLATTERED) Like what, Al?

AL	Well... like... y'know... I don't know, Peg. I just said it 'cause I'm tired. Let me go to
	sleep.

PEGGY	Nobody goes to sleep until I'm peeped.

AL	Well, y'know, we are on the second floor and all, and it's probably too hard to get up here and
	look in the window. (BEAT) Yeah. That's it.

PEGGY	He has no excuse. I left a ladder, and milk and cookies on the ledge.

(AL REACTS. BUD POKES HIS HEAD IN WITH KELLY)

BUD	Okay, Kell. Show Mom and Dad what I taught you in science.

KELLY	(TO "BATMAN" THEME)
	DA DA DA DA
	DA DA DA
	DA DA DA
	DA DA DA
	DA DA DA
	EINSTEIN.

(SHE LOOKS FOR APPROVAL)

AL	That's terrific, honey. Bud, can I see you for a minute?

KELLY	I'll just go to my room and try and remember that stuff you told me about how he used to call
	the Commissioner on the Einstein phone.

(KELLY EXITS)

AL	Now, son. I know you're having fun with your sister, her being, well, a dullard and all, but if
	Kelly never gets out of High School, she never gets a job. If she never gets a job, it means I'll
	have to go on supporting you all. And I can't. See, I'm hoping to save us some money to retire
	and all. Son, I've got to retire, even if it's only for two days. So you see, Bud, if Kelly
	doesn't pass, Daddy just might run amuck. In alphabetical order. Understand... (POINTEDLY) ...Bud?

BUD	I think I understand.

(HE STARTS OUT, THEN TURNS BACK)

BUD	So, no "Shakespeare, The Friendly Ghost"?

(AL SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO")

BUD	No, "I Love Lincoln"?

AL	No, Bud.

BUD	Why did you have me?

(BUD EXITS)

AL	Peg. Why did we have him? (BEAT) Peg?

(PEGGY IS GAZING PATHETICALLY OUT THE WINDOW)

PEGGY	(OUT WINDOW) I have cookies. (BEAT) He's not coming. Nobody wants to look at me. Nobody wants me.
	Nobody loves me.

(SHE MAKES ANIMAL WHIMPERS)

AL	(V.O.) You know what you have to do, Cowboy. (THEN, TO PEGGY) I care about you, Pookie.

PEGGY	Really, Al?

AL	(LONG BEAT. THEN SIGHS. THEN UNENTHUSIASTIC) Yes. Boy do I ever. Why seeing you at the window
	really turns me on. Come to Daddy.

PEGGY	Oh, Al.

(THEY GET IN BED)

AL	(DISGUSTEDLY) Oh, God.

(HE TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS)

LFX: LIGHTS OUT

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A WEEK LATER - NIGHT

(AL IS ON THE COUCH AND PEGGY IS ON THE PHONE. SHE HANGS UP)

PEGGY	Al, the peeper is still working the neighborhood. Everybody's been peeped twice and here I am
	peepless. I'm so depressed.

AL	(DULLY) Oh, Peg. Seeing you there on the phone, really turns me on...

PEGGY	Oh, shut up, Al. Do you really think I'm really satisfied being squashed by a man in his
	underwear and socks, while he watches "Get Smart" on a little TV propped up on the pillow next
	to me?

AL	Hey, I wear earphones. What do you want from me?

PEGGY	Well, if I don't get peeped tonight, I'm breaking your TV. I'll be upstairs by my window if you
	need me.

(PEGGY EXITS UPSTAIRS)

AL	Oh, well, I always have my job as a shoe salesman.

(HE PUTS A PILLOW OVER HIS FACE. KELLY AND BUD ENTER)

BUD	Hi, Dad. Whatcha doing?

AL	Giving silent thanks for all I have. How's the studying coming?

BUD	(TO KELLY) What is the Bill of Rights?

KELLY	The first ten Amendments to the Constitution.

BUD	Right. What are the three main types of clouds?

KELLY	There are three. Cumulus, cirrus and stratus.

BUD	What is a synapse?

KELLY	The junction -- a microscopic gap, actually -- of two neighboring neurons, or nerve cells.

AL	(IMPRESSED) Very good, Kelly, now, why don't you take a break and go up to your room.

KELLY	Where is my room?

AL	Upstairs.

KELLY	What are stairs?

BUD	I'd better explain this, Dad. See, if you pour a gallon of knowledge into a shot glass of a 
	brain, you're gonna spill some. Something had to go.

(HE LEADS A CONFUSED KELLY UPSTAIRS)

SFX: DOORBELL

KELLY	What was that?

(BUD LOOKS BACK AT AL, THEN, TO KELLY)

BUD	The doorbell.

KELLY	Ah. (BEAT) Who am I?

BUD	My maid.

KELLY	Oh, good.

(BUD AND KELLY EXIT UPSTAIRS, AS AL OPENS THE DOOR. STEVE ENTERS)

STEVE	Al, I've got a problem. This Peeping Tom thing is ruining my marriage. Marcy's so upset, she
	hasn't let me have sex with her for five days.

AL	It could be worse. I've had sex with mine for five straight days. It's like having two jobs. Both
	at minimum wage with no benefits, and no chance for advancement.

STEVE	Well, I like having sex with my wife. Without sex, I might as well live with my mother and be
	happy. At least I'd get my juice and vitamin in bed.

AL	Really? My mom would just light me up a Lucky and send me off to school.

STEVE	Al, what am I gonna do? I've tried everything to turn Marcy on. Candy, flowers, my Action Jackson
	imitation. But nothing. Do you have any idea what it's like to come home to a wife who doesn't
	want you to touch her?

AL	I dream about it. Well, I would if she'd ever let me sleep again.

STEVE	Well, don't worry, buddy. I'm sure as soon as Peggy gets "peeped", things'll get back to normal.

PEGGY	(O.S.) He's not coming. Oh, God. I need a man. Let me see. Oh well. Al?

AL	Oh, well. O gotta go watch "Get Smart".

STEVE	You lucky duck. Well, Marcy's going through a tough time. I should be sensitive. Compassionate. 
	Then maybe she'll let me feel her up.

(STEVE EXITS)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

(AL AND PEGGY ARE IN BED. PEGGY IS SETTING THE ALARM)

PEGGY	Okay, Al. I'm setting the alarm for one o'clock so we can do it again.

AL	We don't need an alarm. Knowing this is hanging over my head, I'll never be able to sleep.

PEGGY	Stop complaining. You get all the rest you need during sex.

(SHE PEEKS OUT THE WINDOW)

PEGGY	Where is he?

(SHE EXITS INTO BATHROOM. AL SIGHS)

AL	(V.O.) You know what you've got to do now, Cowboy.

(HE GETS UP, GOES THROUGH PEGGY'S DRAWER AND FINDS A PAIR OF PANTYHOSE. HE SIGHS AND PUTS ONE LEG OVER
HIS HEAD. AS HE STARTS TO EXIT WE SEE KELLY, OBLIVIOUS. SHE CARRIES A TOOTHBRUSH)

KELLY	Excuse me, sir. Where are my teeth?

(AL REACTS AS SHE WALKS ON)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

(AL'S STOCKINGED HEAD APPEARS IN THE WINDOW. PEGGY IS STILL IN THE BATHROOM. HE TAPS ON THE WINDOW. NO
PEGGY. HE MAKES GHOST SOUNDS. NO RESPONSE. HE TAKES A COOKIE AND SLIPS IT UNDER THE PANTYHOSE AND EATS IT.
HE BANGS ON THE WINDOW AGAIN. SUDDENLY FLOODLIGHTS FROM THE GROUND SHINE UP ON AL'S PANICKED GACE)

LFX: FLOODLIGHT

(WE HEAR THE WOMEN YELL, "IT'S HIM. IT'S THE PEEPER.")

MARCY	(O.S.) Let's get him, girls.

FANNY	(O.S.) Get the gasoline.

(AL DESPERATELY OPENS THE WINDOW. PEGGY ENTERS. SHE SEES HIM, PRIMPS AND SMILES, THEN STARTS SCREAMING)

PEGGY	Help! Help! Peeper! Peeper! (THEN) It's about time. How dare you.

(SHE GOES TO THE WINDOW AND PUSHES HIS FACE. HE GOES DOWN)

AL	(O.S.) Whoaa!

MARCY	(O.S.) Now, we've got you.

SFX: CHAINSAW STARTING

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

(AL IS ON THE COUCH, WRAPPED IN BANDAGES. HE HAS A HUGE BANDAGE COMPLETELY COVERING HIS PANTS HAND. HIS
OTHER ARM IS IN A SLING. HIS HEAD IS BANDAGED. PEGGY SITS NEXT TO HIM)

PEGGY	Oh, honey. It was sweet of you to pretend to be the peeper just to make me feel good. You
	understand why I couldn't tell everyone you weren't the real peeper. I couldn't stand the shame
	of being the only one that wasn't peeped.

AL	I understand.

(AL SPITS OUT A TOOTH)

PEGGY	You wanna go upstairs?

AL	Well, I think the part of me you want is still outside. Just beat around the ashes. I'm sure
	you'll find it out there mixed in with my liver and colon.

(BUD ENTERS. AS HE OPENS THE DOOR WE SEE A SIGN "HOME OF THE 'PERVO'")

BUD	Well, she's a Senior.

(KELLY ENTERS PROUDLY)

KELLY	I passed. (LOOKS AT DOOR) Why does it say "Peru" on our door? We don't live in Peru. Do we?

(THEY LOOK AT BUD)

BUD	She took her tests, but on the way home she tripped, landed on her back, and remembered who and
	what she was.

KELLY	My brain hurts. I think I cramped it writing. But I'm a Senior. Oh, man. Two more years and I
	graduate.

(KELLY AND BUD EXIT UPSTAIRS)

PEGGY	Oh, Al. It's so nice for a change that everybody's happy.

(AL REACTS)

PEGGY	Well, I'm going shopping. You need anything?

AL	If you pass a bellybutton store, pick me up one. A charcoal brown one to match the rest of my
	stomach.

PEGGY	Y'know, you ruined a perfectly good pair of my stockings, but I still smile. Sometimes, I think
	you don't want to be happy.

(SHE EXITS)

AL	(SIGHS) Oh, well. At least there's one thing they can't take away from me.

(AL TRIES TO PUT HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS BUT IT WON'T FIT)

FREEZE FRAME

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO