Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Computer Voice ............Nick Toth



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Al and Peggy are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Buck is also on the couch, with his muzzle
 on Al's knee. We hear a bark on the TV, and then a kid's voice.

KIDONTV [v.o.] What is it, Rinty? You say that bad men are coming from the southeast by boat, and
        they're armed with knives?

 We hear two more barks.

KIDONTV [v.o.] They're armed with guns! And they're foreigners. Good boy. Thanks to you, the
        village will be safe.

 Another bark is heard.

KIDONTV [v.o.] Aw, we love you too, boy.

 We hear the show's ending music play. Al turns the TV off and looks at Buck.

AL      You know, I just realized that we've got someone in this house that eats, lies around all
        day and does absolutely nothing.

PEGGY   Awww, Buck is cute.

AL      I was talking about you, Peg. But the dog's pretty useless too. You know, something else 
        just dawned on me.

PEGGY   That people can shower during the week? [smiles sweetly]

AL      No, love of my life. No, that there's no one in this damn house that does anything for
        me. Now, I'm the breadwinner. I deserve better treatment, like - hey, I know! The next
        time I come home from work, I want someone to bring me my slippers. Question is who...

PEGGY   Actually, when it comes to your slippers, the question is how. As in, "how can a man make
        his slippers smell even worse than his feet?".

AL      Hey, I sweat the sweat of the dead, Peg. Anyhow, getting back to who's gonna bring me my
        slippers: you - well I think you're untrainable, kids don't care if I live or die, so I 
        guess that leaves Buck. Hey, maybe everybody can learn from him. 

 Peggy chuckles.

PEGGY   Well, that is how we toilet-trained the kids... Of course, Bud was five before he 
        stopped getting excited every time he saw a tree.

 Al and Peggy laugh.

PEGGY   Ah, but that's what teachers and kindergarten are for.

AL      [to Buck] Now, Buck, you just saw Rin Tin Tin save an entire nation. Pretty inspiring, 
        wasn't it?

 Buck shows no reaction.

AL      [to Buck] Hey, the least you can do is lift your head and look at me, you shiftless,
        lazy... I can't believe it. You must be the laziest dog in the wo - [to Peggy] Where does
        he learn this from?

 Al notices that Peggy has dozed off.

AL      Peg, get up.

 Peggy wakes.

PEGGY   Is dinner ready?

 Al rolls his eyes and turns back to Buck.

AL      [to Buck] Buck, you're gonna learn to get Daddy's slippers. Now, I'm gonna pretend that I 
        just got home from work...

 Al gets up, walks over to the door, opens it a little and closes it.

AL      Ah, boy, I'm beat. [walking to the kitchen] Just an average day: Kelly failed another 
        test, Bud's dealing Three Card Monte at the Old Folks Home, Mommy's in Oprah coma...

 Al gets a beer from the refrigerator.

AL      Daddy just earned a cool 75 cents slaving in the shoe mines. Oh boy, am I tired. My
        tootsies are killing me. Boy, would I like to have some slippers to go on my feet.

 Al sits down on the couch, and as soon as he does, Buck jumps off it and runs to the backyard.

PEGGY   Al, forget about the dog. So you said you made 75 cents?

 Peggy holds out her hand.

AL      Oh, God. Peg, I'm not giving up. See, the problem is Buck doesn't know my slippers, so
        I'm gonna show them to him and then give him the scent.

PEGGY   Honey, the whole neighborhood knows the smell of your feet. Remember that incident with
        the burning airwick on the front lawn?

AL      Go ahead, yuck it up, Peg. But as soon as Buck learns how to make Tang, you're on the
        first bus.

 Bud comes in through the sliding door.

BUD     Dad, why is Buck rubbing his nose back and forth on the ground?

AL      It's a sign of pride in male dogs. Uh, how was school today, Bud? Not that I care...

BUD     I'm glad that you asked that, Dad, because I'm not being all I can be. Now, you know what 
        we need in this house?

AL      Poison gas coming through the vents?

PEGGY   [to Bud] He only thinks of himself. What do we need, dear?

BUD     A computer.

PEGGY   Okay. Al, write him a cheque.

AL      Oh, yeah, sure. Hey, even better, you know, go to the vault where we keep the gold bars
        and chip off what you need. If anybody wants me, I'll be at the country club. They're
        having the big Al Bundy Golf Classic. I'm hole 9.

PEGGY   Come on, Al. Don't you want Bud to have all the things you never had? You know, an
        education, a good job, a happy wife...

AL      Come on, Peg. You can't tell me that seeing me up to my armpits in misery doesn't make
        you happy.

 Peggy agrees.

AL      Now, we're not getting a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and
        women.

PEGGY   Yes, and they're quite similar, Al, because you don't know how to turn on either one.

AL      I'm not interested in either one.

BUD     Mom, can I have a computer?

PEGGY   Of course you can, dear. What color would you like?

AL      I must be dead. I speak, no one hears me.

PEGGY   Al, we have to get Bud a computer. He has a chance to be the first Bundy ever to go to 
        college.

AL      My uncle Edwin went to college.

PEGGY   He was a cadaver for the pre-med students. And what about Kelly? She could use one. You
        know, she might want to go to college, you know.

 Kelly comes down the stairs.

KELLY   Oh, God. Remedial reading test tomorrow. I mean, what do I care if Jack and Jill fell
        down a hall? I mean, why were they even in the building? [holds her head]

 Bud, Al and Peggy stare at Kelly oddly.

BUD     Kelly, we're getting a computer.

 Kelly sits down on the couch.

KELLY   Oh, cool! What color?

PEGGY   Well, I was thinking blue.

KELLY   You know, we really need one, too. [to Bud] What do they do?

 Bud smiles at Kelly, pats her arm and rolls his eyes. Steve and Marcy enter.

STEVE   Al, do you know your dog is burying himself in your backyard?

AL      Well, I hope it's not the spot by the hose, 'cause that little plot's for me.

KELLY   Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades, we're getting a computer.

MARCY   [emotionally] Oh, Steve, a computer!

 Steve kisses Marcy and they sit in the chair.

MARCY   I remember our first computer. To buy it, we each decided to give up something. To
        sacrifice, so that we could have our little computer. Steve gave up getting a new car for
        another year, and I - I gave up my class on napkin folding. Steve just let me. Now he's
        got a new Mercedes, and I'll never know how to make a napkin hat. [bitterly] Thanks,
        Steve! [to the others, smiling again] But, I'm working that out in therapy. Meantime,
        you're getting a computer?

 Kelly, Bud and Peggy nod.

AL      We don't need a computer, and I'll tell you what would happen if we got one: just like
        when we had the kids, everybody "ooh"s and "aah"s the first couple of days, then after 
        the novelty wears off, it just sits there, collects dust and cries for food. No, I'm
        telling you, nobody needs kids. [catches his mistake] No, I mean - I mean a computer. 

 Al pats Bud and Kelly's heads, laughing.

STEVE   I used to be like you, Al. Well, not just like you, I mean, I cared about personal 
        hygiene, and had change for a dollar. But I too doubted the computer. No longer, Al. The
        computer can be your friend. Especially on those long nights when your wife isn't talking
        to you 'cause she can't fold a stinking napkin.

 Marcy gets up from Steve's lap and looks annoyed.

AL      Well, I need something on those long nights when my wife is talking to me. Much like a
        family, what would a computer do for me?

MARCY   It could do all sorts of things. Like keeping up with sports scores.

AL      Newspaper.

STEVE   Social events.

AL      TV Guide.

MARCY   Organizing recipes.

AL      [putting his arm around Peggy's shoulder] Don't eat.

STEVE   Doctor's appointments.

AL      Don't care.

STEVE   [to Marcy] Maybe we're talking to the wrong person. [to Peggy] Peggy, a computer can be
        the most wonderful thing in the world.

PEGGY   I'm sold.

STEVE   No, really! It can -

PEGGY   I don't care. I'm sold. Let's get one.

 Everyone except Al starts to leave, chattering excitedly about the new computer.

AL      Hey! Hey, I make the decisions around here, and I'm telling you that there will not be
        any computers in this -

 The door is slammed in Al's face. Al continues shouting at the closed door.

AL      And I want my dinner! And my slippers! 'Cause I'm the boss here, damn it!

 Al stomps his foot, looking frustrated. He thinks for a moment.

AL      At least there's one place that I'm still the king.

 Al gets up, puts a newspaper under his arm and heads upstairs.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Later that day...
 Al is sitting on the couch. 

AL      [calling out] Boy, what a hard day at work I had today! My feet are killing me! Wish I
        had some nice slippers to put them in...

 Buck comes down the stairs with a bra in his mouth, and drops it at Al's feet. Al picks it up.

AL      Well, it's not quite it, Buck, but try to remember this for when we go to the beach.

 Al adds the bra to the pile of random stuff that Buck brought that's on the coffee table.

AL      Okay, I don't think I'm explaining it to you right. Come on up here on the couch.

 Al pats the cushion he's sitting on. Buck doesn't react.

AL      Good boy, stay.

 Al gets up.

AL      I'm gonna go over here and show you how it's done. You stay there and be me. I'll show
        you what a real dog is like.

 Al sits on the stairs.

AL      [taking off his shoes] Oh, look, my master's home! Curse the luck that brought him to
        that foul woman. I'll bet he'd be much more comfortable with his slippers... I'll go get
        them for him.

 Al puts one of the shoes in his mouth and crawls over to Buck.

AL      See? 

 Peggy, Kelly and Marcy enter just in time to see Al on all fours next to Buck with a shoe in his
 mouth.

KELLY   Um, Mom? Is this truly the end? 'Cause, um, if it is, I'm not walking him.

PEGGY   Don't worry, honey. If Daddy the dog is anything like Daddy the man, he'll just put a
        newspaper under his paw and lock himself in a tree for an hour.

 Al sits on the couch. Bud and Steve roll in the new computer, still in its boxes.

BUD     Dad, wait till you see what we got.

STEVE   Al, you're gonna be proud of what I did. I saved you 200 dollars. 

AL      Thanks, Steve.

STEVE   Yup. They wouldn't give anything off on the 1200 dollar model, so I said, "no way, Jose,
        I am not leaving here without a discount". So I got them to give you a 200 dollar rebate
        on this 2100 dollar model.

AL      Peg, you spent 1900 dollars?

PEGGY   No, I spent 2100 dollars. Because with the 200 we saved you, I bought this dress.

 Peggy holds up a leopard dress.

PEGGY   So actually, this dress was free.

KELLY   And you got a 200 dollar rebate.

 Everyone looks at Kelly oddly. She walks away.

AL      Y'know, I guess that's what my horoscope meant when it said "kaboom".

MARCY   Al, what you're overlooking is all the things this model can do. [pats one of the boxes]
        This is a muscle machine. It's fully loaded. It has a 3600 baud modem, a VGA high-
        resolution color monitor, a 40MB hard disk, and 7MB of RAM. [to Steve, sensuously] Steve,
        it's the you of computers.

STEVE   You ain't just whistling IBM, baby. [to Al] Welcome to Tomorrowland, Al. Where would you
        like it?

AL      Uh, put it over here [points next to the coffee table] in "It's A Broke World After All".

PEGGY   Oh, Al. Just because we're flat broke, doesn't mean we have to live like animals. Now, 
        this machine is gonna wind up saving us money in the long run.

AL      How? Does it emit powerful, life-draining radiation?

PEGGY   Well, I don't know. I don't even know how to use it. I don't even know why we need it, I
        just know I want it. You know, like when we had the kids.

BUD     [holding a box] Let's set it up.

KELLY   Hey, uh, we can put it on the desk [points] where Daddy thinks he's hiding money from us.

PEGGY   Oh, no, let's put it on the coffee table. Oh, we better dust it off, though. We'll need
        something to wipe it with. [to Bud] Um, Bud, go get Daddy's good sweater. You know, the
        one that his mother knitted for him.

 Bud nods and goes upstairs.

AL      [to Peggy] You're going to dust for the computer? When was the last time you dusted for
        me? Or cooked for me? Or listened to one word I said?

PEGGY   Al, don't just sit there silently, say something about the computer.

AL      [to himself] Is my family lost to me? Am I the forgotten Marx brother? Am I Zeppo Bundy?

 Buck comes down the stairs with one of Al's shoes in his mouth.

AL      Finally, someone who knows who the real master of this house is.

 Al gets up to take the shoe from Buck, but Buck walks right past him and drops the shoe by the
 computer's boxes.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 The living room.
 The computer has now been set up on the coffee table, and Al is sitting opposite it on the
 couch, holding a beer can. He hears the computer 'speak' to him in his mind.

COMP    Hello, Al. I cost you a lot of money, didn't I? And nobody's touched me, have they? Well,
        looks like you were right again. Just like you were about your marriage, your kids and 
        your job. [laughs] Come on. Smile for me, Al. I'm not so bad. Every family needs a
        computer. [laughs heartily]

 Kelly comes down the stairs, holding a notebook and a pen.

KELLY   Dad, I've got this book report due, in, um... oh, God, what do you call it? The subject
        with the words?

AL      English?

KELLY   Yeah. So I've got this book report for tomorrow on Moby Dick, and I've been, like,
        reading it for an hour, and I got stumped on something. Could you help me?

AL      What?

KELLY   Call who Ishmael?

AL      [sighs] Me. Kelly, look, we got a million dollar computer sitting over here, why don't
        you do your report on it?

KELLY   I tried! I turned it on, and I typed in 'Ishmael'. You know what it said to me, Dad? 
        "Ishmael". And even spelled it wrong. And then it just sat there. What am I gonna do?

AL      Kelly, Daddy's the ticking time bomb right now. 

 Bud comes down the stairs.

AL      Uh, ask your brother.

KELLY   Hey there, lonely boy. I've got this book report. Um, do you know who Ishmael is?

BUD     Moby Dick?

KELLY   Yeah, you know it?

BUD     The classic whaling tale by Herman Melville. I know just about everything there is. What
        do  you need to know?

KELLY	What happens.

BUD     Let's see... Ishmael and the whale were actually good friends, and... the whale would
        talk.
	
KELLY   Oh, cool!

 Kelly sits in the armchair and starts to write. Bud sits on its arm.

BUD     Yup. The whale would call him... Wilbur.

KELLY   He called Ishmael "Wilbur"?

BUD     Exactly.

KELLY   [to Al] Computer didn't know that...

 Al rubs the can of beer across his forehead.

BUD     And they sang this classic whaling song: [singing to the tune of the Mr. Ed theme song]
        "A whale is a whale, of course, of course, and no one talks to a whale, of course.
        Unless, of course, the whale, of course, is the fabulous Mr. Dick".

KELLY   [writing all this down] Wait a minute, wait a minute, you're going too fast, you're going 
        too fast. Oh, this is so good. And I bet the whale wouldn't talk to anyone but Wilbur,
        huh?

BUD     [to Al] Did you hear that, Dad? Make those college reservations now, because this girl is
        going places.

 Kelly runs upstairs. Bud sits next to Al, looking pleased with himself.

AL      Bud, I hope you realize when she grows up it's your responsibility to take care of her. 
        'Cause when she's 21, high school student or not, she's out of here.

BUD     Don't worry, Dad.

 Bud pats Al's shoulder and gets up.

AL      Bud, hey, don't you wanna play with the computer or something?

BUD     Why would I wanna use a computer when I've got a blank screen like Kelly upstairs?

 Bud runs upstairs. Al 'hears' the computer again.

COMP    Al? Al?

AL      What?!

COMP    You don't look comfortable, Al. Why don't you get the dog to bring you your slippers?

AL      [calling out] Buck! Buck! Boy, my tootsies are tired. Buck! Buck! [to the computer] The 
        damn dog is untrainable.

 Peggy and Buck come in. Peggy is carrying a shopping bag and Buck has another one in his mouth.

PEGGY   Good boy, Buck. Take it upstairs. Good boy!

 Buck does as he is told.

PEGGY   [calling after Buck] Close the door behind you!

 We hear a door shut upstairs. Peggy laughs.

PEGGY   [to Al] He's a wonder-dog.

AL      Uh, Peg, we've had this computer for over -

PEGGY   [cutting Al off] I know what you're gonna say, that it's just a waste of money. But I'm
        gonna use it right now.

 Peggy takes a pink hat rack out of her shopping bag and puts it on top of the computer screen.
 She then takes a pink hat out of the bag and puts it on the hat rack. She sits down next to Al.

PEGGY   Oh, Al, it sets off the whole computer.

AL      Okay, before I embark on our 78-month, 25%-interest easy payment plan, you think you
        could just turn the damn thing on?

PEGGY   Well, I don't know how. 

AL      Well, where's the instructions?

PEGGY   Well, I told the kids to pick them up off the floor. They didn't, so to punish them I
        threw them away.

AL      Peg, I'm going to say this simply, so we both can understand. Now, this computer cost me
        a fortune. Now, I don't plan to watch our money go down the drain like I did with the
        stove, and the refrigerator, and our marriage certificate. Now, as I slowly sink into
        bankrupcy, I wanna have a memory. So I want you to do something - anything - with that
        computer.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 The Bundy living room
 The computer has now got a desk of its own, with a printer, a fan and a phone. Marcy, who is
 sitting next to it, takes a sheet of paper that's just come out of the printer and examines it,
 while Peggy arranges the hat on the rack. Al watches from the couch.

PEGGY   There. Are you happy, Al?

AL      [halfheartedly] Yeah, couldn't be happier.

PEGGY   [to Marcy] He doesn't mean it. A wife knows. I may as well face it: I didn't marry a
        happy man.

AL      Yes you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.

PEGGY   [to Marcy] He sells shoes, he's flat broke, and it's me that he's mad at. Well, that's
        it. I'm not spending any more money on Al's computer. Let's go buy something for me. I'll
        be right back. I'm just gonna go get the kids' piggy banks.

 Peggy chuckles and goes upstairs. Al gets up and walks over to Marcy.

AL      Uh, Marcy, we've been living next door to each other about how long now?

MARCY   937 days.

AL      Yeah, well, anyhow, um, I just thought, you know, it's been a long time since I did 
        something nice for you, so how about this: buy this computer off me, get it the hell out
        of my house. It's real nice: it's got RAMs, and bytes, and it's got a hat rack, and...
        2500 dollars worth of stuff sitting there. Make me an offer.

MARCY   30 dollars.

AL      30 dollars? I didn't say for my life, I said for the computer. It's only a week old, and 
        it's never been touched.

MARCY   Well, Al, to be honest, it's slow, it's underpowered, it's obsolete. Let's face it: it's 
        the you of computers. Personally, I wouldn't fertilize a farm with it.

 Peggy returns, holding two piggy banks.

PEGGY   Okay, I'm ready to go. I don't know how much I can buy, but we can sure park till we
        drop. [chuckles]

MARCY   You know what this computer needs? Another hat.

 Marcy and Peggy laugh and leave. Al sits next to the computer. He 'hears' the computer in his
 mind once more.

COMP    Al? Al?

AL      Leave me alone!

COMP    Okay. I'll just sit here and run your electricity bill through the roof. Dum-dee-dum-dee-
        dum. That's about a quarter. Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo. 37 cents. Whoa! Ho, that's power surge.
        That's a buck. Felt good though. Oh, come on, Al. It's not just you. Me and my kind are
        really of no use to a regular family. I'm the Pet Rock of the '80s, buddy. [laughs]

 Al nods, gets up and heads for the garage.

COMP    Oh, come back, Al! I really can do great things. Listen, why did the shoe salesman buy a
        computer? Give up? Because he's married to an idiot!

 Al returns with a sledgehammer and approaches the computer.

COMP    Al, what are you doing? [nervously] Peggy? Kids? What am I worried about. No one's stupid
        enough to break a 2500 -

 Al smashes the computer with his sledgehammer. There is a small explosion and the computers
 starts to go up in smoke. Al walks over to Buck, who is lying on the couch.

AL      [to Buck, dead calm] Now, let's talk about those slippers.

 Buck jumps off the couch and runs upstairs. Al sits on the couch.

AL      Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum-dee-dum. 

 Buck returns with Al's slippers.

AL      Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum.

 Al takes the slippers from Buck and puts them on. They are quite worn and full of holes. Buck
 puts his muzzle on Al's knee. Al pats Buck with one hand and holds the sledgehammer with the
 other.

AL      Now I am truly king.


THE END