CAST
----
AL BUNDY ...................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ................. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ................. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ................... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ..................... DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK THE DOG .................. MIKE THE DOG
LAUREN ........................ Allison Barron
TASHA ......................... Tracy Justrich
KAREN ......................... Kristen Pearcey
CHARLENE ...................... Laurie Plaksin
WORKMAN ....................... Jonathan Coogan
TV ANNOUNCER .................. Howard Stevens


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

BUNDY LIVING ROOM
AL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. HE HOLDS A CAN OF BEER

TV ANN.	(O.S.) ...where glamour meets Dame Fortune, here we are at "The Luckiest Men On
	Earth" party! And look - isn't that Joe Piscopo at poolside?

AL TAKES A SIP. PEGGY ENTERS FROM THE LAUNDRY ROOM. SHE HAS A CIGARETTE.

PEGGY	Al, have you seen my ashtray? Oh, there it is.

SHE DUMPS HER CIGARETTE IN THE BEER CAN. AL REACTS.

AL	You know, I thought it tasted like your hamburgers.

PEGGY	(MODESTLY) It's an old family recipe. Of course Mom made them a little different.
	She chewed tobacco.

AL	Yeah. Yeah, I remember her lemonade.

KELLY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS.

KELLY	Mom, Dad... I love you.

AL AND PEGGY DIG FOR MONEY.

KELLY	No. I already took some, thanks. I just wanted to remind you that tomorrow is the big day. 
	So thanks for letting me have a pajama party.

AL	Oh, no. You're not having a pajama party. I'm still getting flashbacks from the last
	one you had.

KELLY	Daddy, I was eight.

AL	But the Judge wanted to try you as an adult.

SHE TURNS TO PEGGY.

KELLY	Mommy, thanks for letting me have a pajama party.

PEGGY	You're welcome.

AL	Oh, no. I'm not gonna sit here and let you two make my decisions for me. That's how
	we had Bud.

KELLY	Well Dad, if you remember, I was the first one to say let's throw him back. Now, you
	promised I could have another pajama party. It's right here in black and white. You
	signed it when I was eight.

SHE PULLS OUT A TATTERED PIECE OF PAPER

KELLY	(READING) "Absolutely no parties involving pajamas, music, or shaving Daddy's head while
	he sleeps, until you're sixteen. Signed, your father, God help me. Al Bundy."

AL	You can't hold me to that. I thought I'd be dead by now.

KELLY	Well, the joke's on you, Dad.

PEGGY	No, actually the joke's on me... (SHE CHUCKLES, THEN LOOKS AT AL) ...but not very often.

BUD ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS.

BUD	Hey, Kell. Word through the peephole in the girls' shower room is that you're having
	a pajama party. (STARTS TUGGING HIS COLLAR) Is this true? Girls. Here? In pajamas? 

KELLY	Bud, please, your pimple is squirting me. Mom, please, it's girls only. Can't you
	send him somewhere? Like Steve and Marcy's. The zoo. The feeb tank at Marineland.

PEGGY	Bud, while Kelly's having her party, you will stay in your room. And you're only allowed
	out for dinner, which means you'll be in your room.

KELLY	Oh, come on, Bud. (PUTTING HER ARM AROUND HIM) Just pretend that it's a normal Saturday
	night. Turn the lights down low, put on some soft music, and dial 1-800-NO-DATE.

BUD	No, Kell. If it was a normal Saturday night, I'd be busy selling low numbers to the
	guys outside your window.

KELLY	Eat toe rot.

BUD	Lick road kill.

AL	Y'know, I'm getting hungry.

BUD EXITS UPSTAIRS.

KELLY	Thanks, Mom. Oh by the way, on party night, I want you two in your room by seven o'clock.
	And no coming out during the party. If my friends knew what you looked like, I'd die.

KELLY EXITS UPSTAIRS.

AL	Y'know Peg, this is my house. I pay for it, I live in it, and I like to think I can roam
	around it like any other desperate, caged animal. What am I supposed to do locked in
	a room with you all night?

PEGGY	(SEXILY) Well, I too have a promissory note you signed when Kelly was eight. It's for sex,
	 Al.

AL	Oh no, is it 1989 already?

PEGGY	Yes, and I believe it's the Year of the Snake. 
 
SHE PATS HIS LEG. THE DOORBELL RINGS.

AL	Oh, please let this be a bullet with my name on it.

HE OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE AND MARCY.

AL	Never anything I want.

MARCY	We love you guys.

AL	Yeah, caught between a rock and a horny place. What do you want?

MARCY	We just wanted to say how we felt. (BEAT) Oh. And ask if you would watch our house for 
	us while we're in New York. Peggy, Steve's taking me to the theater, and then we're going
	to check into this little hotel we know.

STEVE	(PROUD) It's not really little. It's two hundred a night.

THEY NUZZLE.

PEGGY	How come you don't take me to a hotel, Al?

AL	'Cause you'd just find your way home.

MARCY	Look. We stopped the mail, cancelled the paper, put all the plants in the bathtub. All
	you have to do is let the plumber in to fix our sink. (THEN) Steve, now that I
	hear myself say it, I'm not sure they can do it.

STEVE	(SOTTO) Marcy, it's so easy a chimp can do it. Unfortunately we couldn't find a chimp, 
	so we lower our standards and go with these two.

STEVE THROWS AL THE KEY

STEVE	Here you go. Oh, and if a chimp comes by, tell him we couldn't wait any longer.

THEY EXIT.

AL	Have a nice time. Enjoy the show. Have a safe trip, don't worry about a thing.
	(THEN TO PEG) They're gone. I've got the key. Let's loot their house.

THEY EXIT EXCITEDLY.


SCENE TWO

BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY
AL AND PEGGY ENTER, CARRYING ARMLOADS OF BLANKETS AND STUFF FROM STEVE AND MARCY'S HOUSE.

AL	Y'know Peg, you can learn a lot about people going through their safe. I wonder if Steve
	knows that the house is only in Marcy's name.

PEGGY	I wonder if Marcy knows that Steve's mother is the beneficiary of his life insurance.

AL	You know Peg, we may not have much, but at least we don't keep secrets from one other.

PEGGY	You said it, Al.

THEY BOTH TURN AWAY AND LOOK GUILY. 
KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS.

BUD	Come on, Kell. I cleaned your room. I alphabetized your albums. I even put an "Over
	One Million Served" sign on the wall by your bed. Now can I stay for your pajama party?

KELLY	No, pus bomb, you can't.

BUD	C'mon, Kelly. I'm not gonna touch anything. I just wanna y'know, say hello, ask how it's
	going, watch their moist, nubile young bodies as they...

KELLY	Mom, can't the vet neuter him or put him to sleep or something?

PEGGY	Bud, you'll stay in your room.

KELLY	Hah.

BUD	(DEFIANTLY) Spell it.

BUD EXITS UPSTAIRS. KELLY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND LOOKS IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

PEGGY	(SIGHS) Gee, Al, they grow up so fast.

AL	Yeah. Kelly's a young woman. Bud's a Peeping Tom. Where does the time go?

KELLY	Daddy, we don't have any food.

AL	My underwear has no elastic. (INDICATES PEGGY) Take it up with June Cleaver here.

PEGGY	So who died and made me Mom?

AL	I'm sorry, I'm being selfish, aren't I, June? Well, I'm going shopping. So if I don't come
	back in four days, eat without me. And if I do come back, call a doctor, 'cause 
	obviously I don't know who I am.

PEGGY	Oh, could you pick me up some panty hose? Nude toes, sheer to the tummy... and uh, some
	tampons.

AL	I'm dead. Why don't I fall down?

AS HE EXITS HE OPENS THE DOOR TO A WORKMAN.

AL	(TO WORKMAN) If you're a kidnapper, don't forget the little male child upstairs. Have
	a nice day.

AL EXITS.

WORKMAN	Excuse me, Ma'am, but I'm looking for a... (READS THE WORK ORDER) "Steve's Roadhouse?"

PEGGY	Ah.  It's next door. Here are the keys. (SHE GIVES HIM THE KEYS) Oh, and if you get
	thirsty, there's some good wine under a false tile in the bathroom.

WORKMAN	Oh like I wouldn't have found it anyway.

THEY LAUGH. HE EXITS.

PEGGY	(SIGHS) Work, work. Work.

KELLY	Y'know mom, the house is kind of dirty for my party. You think Dad'll have time to clean
 	it?

PEGGY	It's Daddy's day off. (HAPPILY) Of course he will.

THEY BOTH SIT ON THE SOFA WITH A HAPPY SIGH AND CROSS THEIR LEGS SIMULTANEOUSLY. 
PEGGY SWITCHES ON THE TV.


SCENE THREE

BUNDY LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT DAY
PEGGY IS WATCHING TV. AL ENTERS.

TV ANN.	(O.S.) Coming up on Woman World: "Men: Herd 'em up, kill 'em all."

PEGGY and AL SMILE AND SHE TURNS OFF THE TV.

AL	How ya doin', Peg? You know, we're gonna have to get you a little motor for that couch,
	and you could you know putter around the living room during commercials.

PEGGY	You know, I do plenty around here. Who do you think put that bullseye on the toilet for
	you?

AL PUTS DOWN HIS SHOPPING AND SITS NEXT TO HER.

PEGGY   So I let the plumber in over at Steve and Marcy's.

AL	(OFF-HANDEDLY) They'll be so happy. By the way, did you know their house is gone?

PEGGY	What do you mean "gone"?

AL	Gone. Like my hopes, my dreams, my future.

PEGGY   Oh, gone. It can't be gone.

SHE GOES TO THE DOOR AND LOOKS OUT.

PEGGY	Al, Steve and Marcy's house is gone.

AL	Nothin' gets by you, does it, Peg? Except a house.

PEGGY REACTS.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

BUNDY LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT NIGHT.
AL AND PEGGY COME DOWNSTAIRS. THEY CARRY SUITCASES. KELLY COMES WITH THEM.

PEGGY	Have a nice party, honey. We'll be at Grandma's for a week or so. Oh, when Steve and
	Marcy get back they're probably going to want to know where their house is. But if they
	don't bring it up, you don't bring it up. And remember, no boys at the party.

SHE KISSES HER. KELLY HEADS UPSTAIRS.

KELLY	(MUTTERS) God, you make one mistake when you're eight years old and they never let
	you forget it.

SHE EXITS.

AL	Peg, I don't want to go to your mother's. I see how she looks at me, like I was between
	two pieces of bread. We all know what happened to her dog.

PEGGY   They never proved that.

A CAR IS HEARD PULLING UP. PEGGY PUTS DOWN THE SUITCASES AND PEERS OUT THE DOOR WINDOWS.

PEGGY	It's Steve and Marcy. They're home early. Oh, I just know they're gonna be in a foul mood.
	I hope they're not gonna come over here.

AL	Well, what are they doing?

PEGGY	Well, they're looking at their hole. Now they're looking at our house... now their
	hole... now our house. Yep, I knew it. Here they come. I just know they're going to blame us.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. AL SHOVES HIS HANDS DEEP IN HIS POCKETS.

AL	(BEAT) Who is it?

STEVE	(O.S.) Open up in there!

AL	Oh hi, Steve. Ha ha I'd love to talk to you, but I know you're all tired out from your trip
	and all, so... why don't you just turn in and we'll chat tomorrow. Nighty night.

STEVE POUNDS ON THE DOOR.

AL	Who is it?

STEVE POUNDS HARDER ON THE DOOR. AL OPENS IT TO A DISHEVELLED STEVE AND A COMATOSE MARCY.

AL	Hey, Steve. Now that's rude. A man's home is his castle.

STEVE	Well, mine is a moat, Al. What did you do with our house?

AL	Well now, relax. Just relax. Tell us about your trip first.

STEVE	(BITTER) You want to hear about our trip? Okay. I'll tell you about our trip.

HE CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SETS MARCY DOWN

STEVE	First they lost our luggage. Then our hotel reservations. The play we wanted to see 
	stunk, and I didn't get any sleep. Why? Because all the good heating grates were
	taken. So we came home. You have anything to tell us?

AL	Well, Kelly's having a party. Bud's doing well in school...

STEVE	Where's our house, Al?

AL	It's a chicken restaurant in Waukeegan. Hey, you didn't think I knew, did you?

PEGGY	See, this is really so funny. See, this guy came over and asked for Steve's Road House.]
        Well, I thought he said Steve Rhoades' house. And then one thing led to another and your
	house was gone! (BRIGHTLY) Oh, look. Marcy's coming to.

MARCY	Oh, I had this awful dream. I dreamt I was Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz". Peggy, you were
	the good witch; Al, you were looking for a brain; and Steve... you were Don Johnson, naked. 
	Then a train went through a tunnel, and our house was gone. Oohh. I'm feeling better now.
	(TO PEGGY) Did you remember to let the plumber in?

PEGGY SMILES AT HER.


SCENE TWO

BUNDY LIVING ROOM - THAT EVENING
MARCY IS DRESSED IN A RED FEATHERED PEIGNOIR.

MARCY   Well, Peggy gave me this tacky peignoir. Did Al give you a t-shirt to sleep in?

STEVE ENTERS WEARING A T-SHIRT MARKED "I'M MARRIED. SHOOT ME" 

MARCY	Steve, we're homeless!

STEVE ARRANGES THE BLANKET AROUND THEM

STEVE	Oh, not really, Marcy. We've got our VCR, our blankets, and everything else they could
	strap to their backs and haul over here. So except for our actual house, we're as close 
	to home as you can be.

MARCY	Well, I'm happy as long as I have you.

STEVE	(RUEFULLY) Yeah, right. Goodnight, honey.

STEVE KISSES THE TOP OF HER HEAD AND THRY CLOSE THEIR EYES.
THE DOORBELL RINGS.

KELLY	(EXCITED) They're here! They're here! 

KELLY, IN HER NIGHTGOWN, BOUNDS DOWN THE STAIRS AND GOES TO THE DOOR. STEVE AND MARCY BOLT UP.

STEVE	Who's here and why...?

KELLY OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. FIVE SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS - LAUREN, TASHA, KAREN, CHARLENE, AND AN
EXTRA - POUR IN, ALL TALKING AT ONCE. DIN OF BABBLE. STEVE AND MARCY CLUTCH THEIR BLANKETS AND
BRACE THEMSELVES. THE GIRLS CARRY RECORDS, PIZZA, MANICURING SETS, ETC. THEY REMOVE THEIR COATS.
THEY'RE ALL WEARING CUTE SLEEPWEAR. THEY PILE AROUND THE COUCH AND LOOK AT STEVE AND MARCY.

LAUREN	Gee, Kell, who are the old people?

TASHA	Is this your Mom and Dad?

KELLY	(APALLED) Oh, God, no. No, these are just the neighbors. They live in the empty lot next 
	door.

TASHA	(LOUD WHISPER) They look dirty.

GIRLS   Ewww.

THEY ALL STARE AT STEVE AND MARCY. STEVE AND MARCY LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE.


SCENE THREE

AL AND PEGGY ARE IN BED. AL APPEARS TO BE SLEEPING. PEGGY STARES AT HIM.

PEGGY	Who do you think you're fooling? I just saw you get in bed.

AL GIVES THREE QUICK SNORTS/SNORES

PEGGY	Let's go, Al.

AL	(TURNING) Aw, Peg. I feel uncomfortable foolin' around with other people in the house.
	Y'know, Steve and Marcy, the kids, you.

PEGGY	Shut up and pleasure me.

AL MOANS. PEGGY MOVES ON TOP OF HIM. SHE STOPS WHEN STEVE AND MARCY ENTER THIER BEDROOM.

AL	Hey, Steve and Marcy. How ya doin'? Look, Peg. It's Steve and Marcy.

PEGGY	Don't you guys have a home? 

STEVE AND MARCY GLARE.

AL	Hey, what's going on?

STEVE	Your daughter threw us out of the living room. We need a place to sleep. So we came
	here.

THEY SPREAD THEIR BLANKETS ON THE FLOOR.

PEGGY	They couldn't have waited a minute longer. It would have been all over except promises of
	a better performance next time.

SHE TURNS OVER TO SLEEP.

AL	Don't pay any attention her. I'm glad you kids are here. Stay as long as you want.

STEVE	Oh thanks, Al. We're suing you, you know.

AL	Fine. Take it all, I've had too much for too long.

MARCY	Let's just all go to sleep so this day of a thousand deaths can end.

THEY SETTLE IN ON THE FLOOR AT THE FOOT OF THE BED. THEY SIGH CONTENTEDLY.

STE/MAR	Ahhhh.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC SUDDENLY BLARES FROM DOWNSTAIRS. 
AL AND PEGGY DO NOT REACT, BUT STEVE AND MARCY SIT BACK UP AGAIN.

MARCY	This is horrible. I just can't take it anymore!

STEVE	Don't worry, Marcy. We'll get our house back tomorrow.

MARCY	Not that. I smell Al's feet.

AL'S FEET ARE POKING OUT AT THE END OF THE BED, CLOSE TO THEIR HEADS.


SCENE FOUR

BUNDY LIVING ROOM
THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. THE GIRLS ARE DOING THEIR NAILS, ETC. BUCK IS LYING ON THE FLOOR. 
LAUREN FINALLY STOPS THE MUSIC AND CHANGES TAPES.

TASHA	Can you believe Charlene? What a loser. God I hate her.

LAUREN	She's so phony.

KELLY	And a boring slob. She couldn't turn a boy on with a switch.

CHARLENE ENTERS FROM AL'S BATHROOM AND THE GOSSIP QUIETENS.

KELLY	Oh, hi Charlene! You look great. We were just saying that you must have to beat the boys
	off with a stick!

TASHA	My turn.

TASHA EXITS TO AL's BATHROOM. THEN:

KELLY	God, I hate her. 

THEY ALL NOD AND WALLA HOW BAD SHE LOOKS. 
BUD SAUNTERS DOWN THE STAIRS IN HIS SMOKING JACKET. HE CARRIES A PIPE, JAUNTILY. 
HE IS GRAY AROUND THE TEMPLES.

BUD	(DRIPPING WITH SOPHISTICATION) Good evening, ladies. Just a lttle reminder. When you get
	tired of the endless drone of girlish chatter, step up to pleasure. Step up to Club Bud.

KELLY	Get out of here, you little she-male.

LAUREN	No, that's okay. Let him stay. I think he's cute.

LAUREN WINKS AT THE OTHER GIRLS.

BUD	(SMUG) You and the rest of the world, babe.

BUD SITS NEXT TO HER ON THE SOFA. LAUREN RUNS HER HANDS OVER HIM.

LAUREN	Oh, Bud, you drive me crazy. Let me give you something special. Close your eyes.

BUD DOES. HIS HORMONES GO INTO OVERDRIVE. LAUREN PUTS A CLIP IN HIS HAIR UNDER THE GUISE OF 
PLAYING WITH IT.  

LAUREN	Pucker up, baby.

BUD DOES. KELLY BRINGS BUCK OVER.

BUD	Come on, baby! Give me all you got!

BUCK LICKS HIS FACE. BUD OPENS HIS EYES. THE GIRLS LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. 
BUD REACTS AND RIPS THE CLIP OUT OF HIS HAIR.

BUD	Hah hah, very funny. Very funny. Another fine example of bimbo wit. I'm done. Finished. 
	I'm going upstairs.

KELLY	Oh Bud, before you go, can you say, "I'm drinking milk. And one day I'm going to be
	big and strong"?

BUD	Teehee, Kel. Oh, by the way... (PULL SOME PAPER SCRAPS FROM HIS POCKET) I almost
	forgot. There were a few messages for ya. (GLANCES AT PAPERS) Let me see. Oh, Dan Peterson
	called.	He said tomorrow night behind the 7-11 will be fine.

KELLY	(NERVOUSLY) Uh, Bud, I don't think anyone wants to hear this...

LAUREN	Dan Peterson? That's my boyfriend!

BUD	Oh, is he? Gee, Kelly thinks he's hers. Oh well, let's see. Uhm, Greg Barnett called, too.
	You have a date with him Tuesday. Oh, and wear something tight.

TASHA ENTERS.

TASHA	Wait a minute! I'm dating Greg.

BUD	Uh oh. Well. (READS ANOTHER NOTE) Let's see... whose boyfriend is Bobby Brocatto?

KAR/CHA	Mine.

KAREN AND CHARLENE GLARE AT EACH OTHER.

BUD	Well, you guys have a lot to talk about. Goodnight.

HE HEADS TO THE STAIRS AND SITS TO WATCH. THE GIRLS BEGIN TO ADVANCE ON EACH OTHER. 

TASHA	(TO KELLY) You're seeing my Greg?

LAUREN	And Dan?

KELLY	Well, I wasn't gonna keep 'em.

LAUREN	Sow.

TASHA	Trollop.

LAUREN	Tramp.

TASHA	Slut.

LAUREN	Bundy.

KELLY GETS MAD AND POPS LAUREN WITH A RIGHT, WHICH SEND HER OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH. KELLY JUMPS
DOWN AFTER HER. A FIGHT BREAKS OUT WITH TASHA, CHARLENE AND KAREN ON THE SOFA ITSELF. THE OTHER
GIRL SITS IN THE ARM CHAIR AND CONTINUES DOING HER NAILS. BUD WAITS ON THE STAIRS. HE TAKES OUT A
CAMERA AND SNAPS SOME PICTURES OF THE FIGHT.

BUD	Yum yum, give me some.

THE GIRLS FIGHT ON.


SCENE FIVE

STEVE AND MARCY ARE STILL ON THE FLOOR OF AL AND PEGGY'S BEDROOM. WE GET A CLOSE UP OF AL'S BARE
FEET WHICH LOOM ABOVE THEIR HEADS. MARCY PULLS THE COVERS OVER THEM.

MARCY	How can he get that smell with only ten toes?

STEVE	Go to sleep, Marcy.

MARCY	I can't. I'm too upset. I miss our little house.

STEVE	I know. But we'll get it back, Angel Cups.

MARCY	You haven't called me Angel Cups in a long time, Sugar Tush.

THEY SNUGGLE. AL AND PEGGY SIT UP AND PEER AT THEM.

STEVE	Remember what I said when we didn't think we could afford a house? We need no home.
	Our love is shelter enough against all storms.

PEGGY AND AL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND MAKE VOMITTING GESTURES.

MARCY	Man, thy name is Steve.

STEVE	And love, thy name is Marcy.

DURING THE FOLLOWING, AL AND PEGGY GATHER UP THEIR BLANKET AND PILLOWS.

STEVE   The warmth of your arms is my hearth.

MARCY	And your strong arms are my support beams.

STEVE	And your lips are my doorways to heaven.

MARCY	And your blue eyes are the window to my world.

STEVE	And your hair...

AL AND PEGGY EXIT.


SCENE SIX

BUNDY LIVING ROOM, MOMENTS LATER.
THE FIGHT RAGES ON. AL AND PEGGY COME DOWNSTAIRS.

BUD	Where are you guys going?

AL	We're going to sleep in the hole, Bud. 

PEGGY	Goodnight, kids. Oh, Kelly?

KELLY PICKS HER HEAD UP. HANDS ARE AROUND HER THROAT.

PEGGY	Honey, remember, no boys.

KELLY	(CHOKED) Okay, Mom.

PEGGY	Good girl.

PEGGY AND AL OPEN THE DOOR.

PEGGY	Al, it's raining.

AL	Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open, maybe I'll drown.

THEY TURN OUT THE LIGHT AND EXIT.  
KELLY AND HER FRIENDS ARE STILL FIGHTING. BUD WATCHES ON, ENJOYING THE VIEW.


THE END