Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Mr. Williams...............Daniel Frishman



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Al is in the kitchen, holding a cereal box. He walks over to a red pot that's sitting on the
 counter and tries to pour the contents of the box into the pot. Nothing comes out. Al throws the
 box on the floor, takes another one out of one of the cupboards and tries to pour its contents
 into the pot. Again, nothing comes out of the box. Al tears the tab off the box and tosses it
 into the pot.

AL        [calling out] Kids! Let's prove to your Mom once and for all that you don't need food
          to eat good.

 Bud and Kelly appear from upstairs and the basement (respectively) and walk over to Al.

AL        What'd you find for the Bundy snack tray?

BUD       [holding out his right hand] Three M&M's, a crouton, and... this.

 Bud holds something up by its tail with his left hand.

BUD       I found it in the cuff of my pants.

AL        Well, cut the tail off and throw it in the pot.

 Bud does as he is told.

AL        Kelly, how were the pickings in the basement?

KELLY     Um, I got a half-eaten piece of cheese from the mouse trap.

 Kelly tosses the piece of cheese into the pot.

AL        Hmm... Too bad we couldn't get the mouse.

 Kelly shrugs apologetically.

AL        Anything else?

KELLY     Oh yeah, um, I got a half a dozen of these large raisins that were scattered by the
          trap.

 Kelly holds out her hand for Al and Bud to see. Al takes a napkin and holds it up with both
 hands, and Kelly pours the 'raisins' into it.

AL        Let's save these babies for Christmas. We'll put them in Grandma's fruit cake.

 Al folds the napkin and puts it down on the counter.

AL        Now, we'll combine the rest of this stuff with the Fruit Loops that I fought the dog
          over, and we'll have ourselves some nice little yummy Bundy trail mix.

 Al picks the pot up.

BUD       Well, I don't know, Dad. I like the way Mom makes this stuff.

AL        Well, so do I, Bud, but we're out of cough syrup.

 Al starts to head for the living room. Bud and Kelly follow him.

AL        All right, let's go. Everybody sit down. Your Mom should be home any minute with the
          tapes, and then it's 'Bundy night at the movies'.

 They sit on the couch.

AL        After that it's 'Bundy night in the bathroom'.

KELLY     We never get to rent any good movies. You know why? Because we are the last family on
          earth with [contemptuously] Beta.

BUD       Yeah, Dad. Why can't we get a VHS machine? I mean, we're missing a lot of good movies.
          I heard they made a second "Godfather".

AL        Hey, if it was any good, it would've been on Beta. Come on, kids. We're gonna watch a
          movie, we've got munchies, and we've got each other. What more could we ask for?

KELLY     Hope.

BUD       Food.

KELLY     Pride.

BUD       Heat.

KELLY     An alias.

BUD       Underwear.

AL        Yeah. An annulment. All right, so our life stinks. At least we're gonna have movies...
          I sent your Mother to "Bob's Betas and Bell-bottoms" in Milwaukee.

KELLY     How come Mom can cross state lines and I can't?

AL        Because your Mom didn't go in a van with a bumper sticker that read: "Don't come
          a-knocking if you see this van a-rocking".

KELLY     That can be taken a lot of different ways.

BUD       [to Kelly] And so can you.

 Kelly gives Bud an annoyed look and hits him in the thigh. Peggy comes in holding her coat in
 one hand and a Beta cassette in the other.

AL        Well, it's about time. What do we have, "The Predator"? "The Terminator"?

 Peggy hands Al the cassette and he looks at the box.

AL        "Oh Heavenly Dog"? Peg, I wanted Schwarzenegger.

PEGGY     So did I. But I got you, and you've got Beta.

 Peggy sits down on the couch next to Al. Steve comes in.

STEVE     Al, I am really upset with your wife.

AL        [indifferently] Kill her.

 Peggy gives Al a look. Steve shuts the door behind him.

STEVE     Anyhow, I'm getting off I94, listening to Toscanini blend precisely with the sound of
          my fine German automotive machinery, when a reckless driver cut me off. Well, "live and
          let live", I say. But when I pull up next to him at the light, your wife leans over and
          gives him the finger.

 The other Bundys applaud Peggy for this. Steve raises his hand to silence them.

STEVE     Uhh, excuse me, but before the Neanderthal jamboree really kicks in, I might mention
          that the guy had a bumper sticker that said "I Heart St. Quentin".

AL        [to Peggy] Did you spit on the hood?

PEGGY     Well, I spit in that direction, but Steve's window was up.

 Al and Bud look at Steve disapprovingly.

STEVE     Yeah, enjoy, enjoy, but I'm the guy he followed. God, I hope I lost him.

 Steve hurries to the door and leans against it. He chuckles uneasily.

STEVE     Well, of course I lost him, with those defensive driving moves I made. You see, a fine
          automobile in the hands of a man with cat-like reflexes -

 Meanwhile, Bud is looking out the door. He cuts Steve off.

BUD       Hey, there is a guy stopping by here.

STEVE     Oh my God, it could be him!

 Steve rushes back to the door and looks outside. 

STEVE     [looking outside] Look at the size of him. He looks like acid must've been thrown at
          his face. This guy is fresh out of the asylum.

 A car horn is heard honking outside.

KELLY     Oh, that's my date!

 Kelly gets up, picks up her jacket, waves good-bye to her family and heads for the door.

PEGGY     Have a good time, Honey.

KELLY     Thanks.

 Kelly leaves. Steve lets out a sigh of relief. Bud stands at the doorway and looks outside.

BUD       Hey, here's another car! He's slowing down, now he's coming in -

 Steve quickly shuts the door behind Bud, cutting him off, and peers outside through the door.

STEVE     [looking outside] That's him. There's the "I Heart St. Quentin" bumper sticker. He
          wrote down my license plate number. He's pulling away!

 Steve pulls away from the door and walks back to the living room, looking frustrated. Peggy gets
 up, opens the door and starts shouting at the car outside.

PEGGY     [tauntingly] Hey you! Yeah, you found us. So what are you gonna do about it? Come on,
          you nose rag, any time.

 Peggy and Bud come back into the house and close the door. Al chuckles.

AL        [to Steve] You know, every now and then she makes me so proud.

 Bud walks over to Steve.

BUD       Gee, Mr. Rhoades, you seem scared.

STEVE     [nervously] Oh no, not scared, really. I mean, you know me, I'm not a man who runs from
          trouble. Trouble troubles me, I trouble trouble.

 The doorbell rings.

STEVE     It's trouble.

 Steve ducks behind the couch. Peggy opens the door and Marcy comes in.

MARCY     Steve?

 Steve raises his head. Marcy walks over to him.

MARCY     What's going on? I just got back from the video store and I noticed your car smelled
          like chicken. But when I looked closer I found six pigeons roasting on your radiator.

PEGGY     [to Steve] I told you not to drive through the park.

 Peggy sits on the couch.

STEVE     Oh, now life means something to you?

AL        [thoughtfully] Hot pigeons, you say? Bud...?

 Bud holds up a pair of tweezers.

BUD       I'm way ahead of you, Dad.

 Bud picks up the pot and leaves. Steve is clutching his stomach.

MARCY     Steve, are you okay? You look pale. Oh my God, you didn't eat here, did you?

STEVE     I couldn't decide which color wine goes with slop. Believe me, Marcy, I'm fine.

 Al notices Marcy is holding a nylon bag with several video tapes in it. He snatches the bag from
 her.

AL        Hey, tapes! Look... [reading the labels on the tapes out loud] "The Predator", "Dirty
          Harry", "Judy's Huge Date"...?

 Al looks at Marcy questioningly. Marcy shifts about uneasily.

MARCY     Those are private tapes, Al.

AL        [to Peggy] Why can't we get tapes like these, Peg?

PEGGY     They're VHS, Al.

MARCY     Well, of course they're VHS. Only an idiot would own Beta.

 Al gives Marcy a look.

PEGGY     Or someone who believes a woman's orgasm is brought on by yelling: "Come on, will ya?!"

 Kelly comes in, looking unhappy.

PEGGY     [to Kelly] What happened to your date?

KELLY     He wanted to study. So I just had to tell him I'm not that kind of girl.

 Bud comes in, holding the pot and the tweezers.

BUD       Hey guys! The colonel's here!

MARCY     [to Steve] Uh, Steve, let's go home. They don't have a virgin to sacrifice, they may
          turn on us.

 Marcy heads for the door. Steve stops her.

STEVE     Um, listen, Marcy, um... I've been thinking. We don't have the Bundys over at our house
          nearly enough.

MARCY     That's your rule, Steve. Remember the speech that began "I'd watch a colorized version
          of Casablanca before I let this -"

 Steve cuts her off.

STEVE     Yeah, I know, I know. But I was thinking it would be a nice gesture for us to share our
          VHS format with our neighbors and good friends the Bundys. [to the Bundys] What do you
          say, guys?

AL        Well, pigeon IS better the second day... Let's go!

 The Bundys all get up and head for the Rhoades' house. Steve and Marcy watch them leave.

MARCY     [to Steve] What's this all about, Steve?

STEVE     Nothing. I just wanna spend an evening or two with good friends.

BUD       [to Kelly] Hey Kel, some guy is gonna beat the tard out of Mr. Rhoades.

KELLY     Oh, cool!

 Bud and Kelly leave.

STEVE     And then there's that.

 Steve and Marcy leave too.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE
 
 The Rhoades' living room. Peggy, Al, Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch, Steve and Marcy
 are standing behind them and Buck is lying on the small couch. All are watching a movie on TV.
 Bud is eating popcorn from a bowl on his lap, and Kelly occasionally takes some popcorn from 
 the bowl and throws it around. From time to time the screeching of tires can be heard on TV.

AL        Ah, Peg, this is just like being in a real theater.

KELLY     Yeah, but here Bud isn't on the floor trying to look up girls' dresses.

AL        Shh.

STEVE     [to Marcy] You know, Marcy, that jerk just cut me off. Didn't even look, just cut me
          off. If he'd just gotten out of his car when it had happened, he and I could have
          settled it mano-a-mano. 

MARCY     You're more of a man for having walked away, Steve.

AL        [chuckling] Oh yeah, twice the man that this wimp Eastwood here.

 We hear a the sound of a punch followed someone crying out on TV. The Bundys and the Rhoades 
 all jump a little.

AL        Well, Clint said he didn't want mayonnaise.

 Bud nods.

STEVE     Just can't get that jerk off my mind! Ohhh, I just wish I had a second chance. I tell
          you, I'd do things a *little* differently in my present state of mind.

 The Bundys shush Steve.

STEVE     Sorry. 

MARCY     I know you would, Steve. But you chose not to unleash your fury, and I admire you for
          it.

PEGGY     [watching the movie] Uh-oh. They refused Clint's credit card.

 Everyone leans closer to the TV. Another punch is heard. They all jump and Peggy covers her 
 eyes for a moment.

AL        Don't leave home without it.

 Al chuckles. The phone rings.

AL        Hey, we're trying to watch a movie here, will somebody get that??

 Marcy answers the phone.

MARCY     [on the phone] Hello? [pause] Yes, this is the Rhoades' residence. [pause] Yes, that's
          the correct address. [another pause; to Steve:] Steve, it's for you.

 Marcy hands Steve the receiver.

STEVE     [on the phone, using a very low voice] Hello? [nervously] Hello? [to Marcy] He hung up.
          [shakily] He knows where I live. 

MARCY     To hell with him. If he's stupid enough to come over here then he deserves what you're
          gonna do to him. [grabs Steve] Unleash your fury, Steve. [energetically, demonstrating
          every move she names] Give him a right. A left. Break his face. Punch him in the
          kidney. Make him puke blood! Oh, how I love you.

 Marcy hugs Steve, who looks concerned.


SCENE TWO

 A little later...
 Steve walks over to the window, peers outside, and walks back to the living room, looking very
 worried.

MARCY     [to Peggy] Look at him. He's like a caged tiger.

 Steve gives her 'thumbs up'. We hear his thoughts:

STEVE     [thinking] If I say I'm gonna take out the garbage, I can tunnel out under the fence,
          go to the bus station, grab me a handful of Greyhound and get the hell outta Dodge.

 Meanwhile, Peggy is talking to Al, who is standing by the TV.

PEGGY     See, I told you, Al. If you have one of these VHS machines you can get any movie you
          want.

AL        Yeah, it's heaven, Peg. Hand me "Rip Out Their Entrails 3". 

 Peggy hands Al a cassette and he puts it in the VCR.

AL        Yep, we have the best of both worlds now, Peg. Beta at home, VHS here, AND a
          refrigirator with food in it. 

 Peggy and Al laugh. Al puts his arm around her shoulder.

AL        Take a look around, Peg. It's like the second home we always dreamed of.

PEGGY     Ohh.

 Peggy kisses Al. Al laughs.

KELLY     Hey, can I make a long-distance phone call?

PEGGY     Sure.

 Kelly gets up and goes upstairs.

BUD       I'm gonna go get us some more food.

 Bud leaves.

AL        Oh, Peg, don't turn on the tape yet, I gotta go to the can.

 Al leaves.

MARCY     [to Steve] Oh no! There go our pipes.

 Steve pats Marcy's shoulder.

STEVE     I'll, uh, get the goldfish out before it's too late.

 Steve hurries upstairs after Al.

MARCY     [calling after him] Get our toothbrushes, too!

 Marcy sits on the couch next to Peggy.

MARCY     Should we really be worried?

PEGGY     Yes. But I'd leave the goldfish in there. It's a good way to test the air before you
          attempt re-entry. We used to use parakeets, but then they learned how to talk and
          started screaming for help.

 Marcy looks at Peggy oddly.

MARCY     Uh, I meant should I be worried about the man who's stalking my husband?

PEGGY     Not if you leave the bathroom door open.

MARCY     Well you know, the man must have no social conscience if he cut someone off like that.
          [gets up] What is society coming to? Are we all Barbarians? I'll tell you, if I had my
          way, I'd have them round up every one of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to
          their necks and run them over with a grain reaper. [laughs]

PEGGY     You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God, I hate her!

 The phone rings. Marcy answers it.

MARCY     [on the phone] Hello? Hello? [waits] Okay, Mr. Silent Thug, if you won't speak, I will.
          We are a peace-loving people here, and you are obviously not college-educated.

 Peggy gets up and walks over to Marcy, who continues talking on the phone.

MARCY     Now I want you to leave my husband alone. And if you cannot control your wants and
          hostility, I have a list of some very qualified therapists that I think would -

 Peggy cuts her off.

PEGGY     [to Marcy] Let me handle this.

 Marcy gives the phone to Peggy.

PEGGY     [on the phone] Listen, worm food: you wanna take care of this? Come on over. You've got
          the address, you spineless gob of spit! You gutless yellow piece of - [to Marcy] He
          hung up! How rude!

 Peggy gives the phone back to Marcy.

PEGGY     He must be on his way over.

 Peggy sits on the couch. Steve comes down the stairs, holding an aquarium.

STEVE     Well, I got him out in time, but he won't come out of his castle.

 Al comes down the stairs, humming, and walks over to Steve and Marcy.

AL        Boy, did I work up an appetite. I could eat a horse. But, since I'm not home, I won't
          have to.

 Al laughs and sits on the couch next to Peggy.

MARCY     Steve, the maniac called. Peggy dared him to come over, and I'm afraid you're just
          gonna have to give him a sound drubbing. 

 She pounds on her hand with her fist.

MARCY     [smiling] Bring Mommy his ears, baby. I'll wear 'em for a necklace. [to Al and Peggy]
          Is there a puppy in here? I thought I heard a whimper.

PEGGY     Maybe it's Kong over there.

 Steve hands the aquarium over to Marcy.

STEVE     Look guys, I may seem a trifle nervous, but let me tell you why.

 Steve notices he's still holding the toothbrushes, and tosses them into the aquarium.

STEVE     You see, I used to fight. A lot. I have to admit I was pretty handy with my dukes, too.
          And I fought for the right. But then, when I was ten, this guy and I got into it. We
          were rockin'. I had a short fuse back then - like now. I thrashed him within an inch of
          his eight-year-old life. Didn't like the feeling. Right then I vowed I would never use
          my hands in anger again. That day I went home and hung up my fists for good.

MARCY     Oh, Steve. I never knew this. 

STEVE     [pretense-heroic] It's not the kind of thing I'm proud of, Marcy.

MARCY     Then you must stand by your vow. Do not fight this maniac.

STEVE     It's just that I want him so bad!

MARCY     [admiringly] You're so brave.

STEVE     No, Marcy. I'm just a man. [to Al, quietly] Al, can I talk to you for a second?

 Al gets up and follows Steve to the other side of the living room.

STEVE     [breaking down] Al, I was never in a fight. I ran home, I cried to my mother, this kid
          licked me like a dog. He hung up my fists. I was in them at the time! What am I gonna
          do, Al? I'm scared. If a second-grader hurt me, what's a guy from St. Quentin gonna do
          to me?

AL        Steve, let me tell you a little story.

STEVE     Is it about what you did upstairs?

AL        Uh, no, you'll learn about that soon enough. No, this is a story about fear. See, I
          know you look at me, you see my wife and kids, you say to yourself: "There's a man
          that's not afraid of anything". That's not true, Steve. I was afraid once. When I was
          just a kid there was this beast. It was the scariest thing you've ever seen. We both
          wanted Peg, which shows that love is not only blind, it's stupid. Every time Peg and I
          went out, it was there. Every time I saw it, I'd run like hell. But I knew that one day
          we'd have to settle this thing once and for all. So one day I got sick of running. So
          one day in the school yard we went at it. It was long and brutal. I can't say that I
          won and I can't say that I lost...

 Al and Steve look at Peggy, who is twirling her hair. She smiles at them.

AL        Well, I definitely can't say that I won. But after that day, I was never afraid again.
          'Cause I stood up to the meanest, biggest, thoughest man I'd ever seen. Steve, that man
          was Peg's mother.

 Steve whistles.

AL        Yeah, you can say that again, pal. So Steve, I don't care how long that guy was in St.
          Quentin, there is no way he'll be as mean and as tough as the product of 150 years of
          inbreeding.

STEVE     Well, I don't wanna fight, Al. I got theater tickets for tomorrow night. Have you ever
          tried to yell "bravo!" with a lip the size of a basketball?

AL        Okay, well, how about this? Screw a fair fight! Here's what you do. The guy is gonna
          knock on the door. Open the door real quick, don't give him a chance to think, and
          sucker-punch him in the bread basket. He'll drop like an ox. That's what I should've
          done to Peg's mother but, uh, she horned me first.

STEVE     Well, uh, I don't know, Al...

 Kelly comes running down the stairs.

KELLY     [excitedly] He's here! I was calling every country in the world - you know, to track
          down that rocker of Guns 'n' Roses - and I saw this car pull up with an "I Heart St.
          Quentin" bumper sticker.

PEGGY     [calling out] Bud, Honey, come on out. The fight's about to start.

 Bud enters from the kitchen.

BUD       Who are we rooting for?

MARCY     Steve, I just want you to know, I won't think any less of you if you don't answer the
          door.

 There are two knocks on the door, soon followed by another. Steve looks at Al with alarm.

AL        Bread basket, Steve.

 Al pushes Steve towards the door. There are several more knocks, louder this time. Steve stands
 with his back to the window that's by the door, takes a deep breath, opens the door and punches
 the person standing outside at what would be waist-level for an average person. A thump is heard
 as the person outside falls to the ground. Steve looks on in shock.

STEVE     Uh-oh. Well, he's down... Uhh, you wanna give me a hand here, Al?

 Al and Steve go outside.

AL        [offscreen] This him?

STEVE     [offscreen] Yup.

 Al and Steve come back inside carrying an unconscious midget. Al looks the midget over.

STEVE     By the way, his bread basket isn't quite where I pictured it. He's got a tough little
          forehead, though.


SCENE THREE

 The Rhoades' living room.
 Mr. Williams (the midget), Marcy and Steve are sitting on the couch, and the four Bundys are
 standing next to the couch, watching them. Steve is massaging his fist. Mr. Williams is holding
 an ice pack to his head and looking at Steve very oddly.

MARCY     Mr. Williams, are you all right?

 Mr. Williams removes the ice pack from his head.

MR. W     Well, I guess I'm going to live. Would somebody give me back my wallet now?

 Steve and Marcy look at each other, then at the Bundys. The Bundys look at each other, then
 Bud takes the wallet out of his packet and gives it to Steve, who gives it back to Mr. Williams.

MR. W     I don't know why I came over here. I had a feeling you might be an animal.

STEVE     Not an animal, really. Just a man who will fight to protect the rule of one car length
          for every 10MPH of speed.

 Mr. Williams gets up.

MR. W     Well, I guess I should say what I came over here to say. I'm sorry I cut you off.

 Mr. Williams holds out his hand. Steve shakes it.

STEVE     Well, I'm sorry you had to see the ugly side of me, but when challenge challenged me, 
          I challenged challenge.

MR. W     [forcing a smile] Yeah. Right.

 Mr. Williams starts to leave.

MARCY     [calling out after him] By the way, why were you in St. Quentin?

MR. W     I torched Mercedes. They say I'm almost cured. Hey, and you've got a nice one.

 Mr. Williams leaves. Steve gets up.

STEVE     Well, it's only a car. But the memory of that punch will last me a lifetime.

 Marcy gets up and takes Steve's hand.

MARCY     You were so brave, Steve.

 The Bundys laugh amongst themselves. Marcy gives them a look.

MARCY     [to Steve] Ignore them. I think you proved your courage once and for all by beating up
          that... little man.

AL        Yeah... Just think what you could do to a second grader now.

 The Bundys laugh again.

MARCY     [to Steve] Let them scoff. I saw the glimmer of the sweat as it glistened on your
          brow... The bulging of your muscle as it strained against your sleeve... The clenching
          of your buttocks as you leapt into the fray... [amorously] Take me, Big Man, take me!

 Steve and Marcy run upstairs. About halfway up the stairway Steve turns around and addresses 
 the Bundys.

STEVE     [to the Bundys] By the way, get out.

 Steve also disappears upstairs. The Bundys look at each other.

AL        Kids, you know what we gotta do.

 The kids nod. They all walk into the living room and start lifting anything they can carry.
 Al takes the VCR, Bud takes the phone (among other things), and Kelly and Peggy take food. 
 They leave and the camera zooms in on Buck, who remains in the small couch.


 THE END