FEBRUARY 9, 1989

MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
"MY MOM, THE MOM"

Executive Producers
Michael G. Moye
and
Ron Leavitt

Supervising Producer
Richard Gurman

Producers
Marcy Vosburgh
&
Sandy Sprung

Associate Producer
Barbara Cramer

Directed By
Gerry Cohen

Story By
Jan Rosenbloom

Teleplay By
Lesa Kite
&
Cindy Begel

SHOW: #0312
TAPE: 2/10/89
AIR:  N/A

AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION


CAST
----
AL BUNDY .................. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ............... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ............. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ............... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ................. DAVID FAUSTINO
JADE ...................... TERI WEIGEL
SUSAN ..................... DEBORAH LEVIN
BECKY ..................... JULIE CONDRA
JUDGE SPIVAK .............. TERI RALSTON
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.) .......


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING

(PEGGY IS LAYING ON THE COUCH. BONBONS ARE IN HER LAP, SODAS ON THE COFFEE TABLE. SHE IS OUT
COULD)

SFX: TV ON

TV ANN	(V.O.) And coming up tomorrow, on Oprah, sugar coma, is it killing productivity in
	the home?

(SHE DROPS THE REMOTE)

SFX: TV OFF

(AL ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR. HE CROSSES TO PEGGY)

AL	Hey, Peg.

(HE PUTS HER LEGS DOWN AND SITS NEXT TO HER. HE TAKES HER BY THE NECK AND HOLDS HER HEAD UP)

AL	(LIKE A VENTRILOQUIST) Hi, Al. I know you worked hard today. How would you like me to
	make you a steak? (AS HIMSELF) Oh, honey, seeing you is steak enough. (AS PEGGY) And
	be careful. I spent all day waxing the floors just for you. (AS HIMSELF, IN WONDER)
	How do you do it?

(HE MAKES PEGGY SHRUG)

AL	What's that, Peg? You'd like me to load those bon bons into a rifle, you open your
	mouth, and I yell "pull".

(HE MAKES HER NOD. SHE WAKES UP)

PEGGY	(GROGGY) Oh, mom. I just had a horrible dream. I was married to a shoe salesman and
	we lived in a... (SCREAMS) It's true. (SEES AL) Oh, hi, honey. I was just dreaming
	about you.

AL	Did I have a rifle?

(BUD AND KELLY COME DOWNSTAIRS)

AL	Kids. It isn't often I say this, but I'm glad you're here. I've got something I want
	to say to you.

KELLY	This isn't gonna be another "there's only enough food for three" lectures, is it?

AL	No. I just want everybody to know they've got a security guard patrolling the wishing
	well at the mall, so money's gonna be a little tight for a while. Until old dad can
	figure out how to jimmy those pay phones. Everybody understand?

(KELLY AND BUD HOLD OUT THEIR HANDS TO AL FOR MONEY. HE SIGHS AND GIVES THEM MONEY)

AL	It's your love that pulls me through.

(BUD HEADS OUT. KELLY PUTS ON HER JACKET)

PEGGY	Take your jacket, Bud.

BUD	I don't have one.

AL	What do you mean you don't have one? I just bought you one last week.

BUD	I must've left it somewhere.

AL	You don't leave a jacket. You leave your hopes, your dreams... and if you're lucky,
	your family. But you gotta take care of your jacket.

PEGGY	Oh Al, just get him another jacket.

AL	Excuse me, Miss "Why don't I get a W-two form?" (TO BUD) How are you going to ever
	learn responsibility? Did I ever tell you what I had to do to earn money to get a
	jacket when I was a kid? I had to shovel coal, carry ice, dig ditches, pump gas...

P/K/B	(SING) NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE HE'S SEEN, NOBODY KNOWS HIS SORROW...

AL	Thank you very much. By the way, Peg, way to parent. (TO BUD) How much is a jacket?

BUD	Sixty dollars.

AL	Sixty dollars? Do you know how much a jacket cost when I was a kid?

P/K/B	(SING) NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE HE'S SEEN...

AL	Okay. Okay. Here you go. Enjoy. And, Peg, no need to chip in. You do so much around
	here already. Right now, just keep that couch from hitting the ceiling

BUD	Thanks, Dad.

AL	Yeah, right. And this time you better not lose...

(BUD EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR. AL REACTS)

AL	Ah, who cares? Y'know, it's amazing. For a change Kelly's the good one. She always
	shows up with new clothes, but she never asks for money. Thanks for taking care of
	your stuff, Princess.

(KELLY SMILES NERVOUSLY. AL TOUSLES HER HAIR. SHE SITS NEXT TO PEGGY)

KELLY	Oh, Mom, I need a favor.

PEGGY	Anything, honey, as long as I don't have to get up.

KELLY	Well, tomorrow's Mother-Daughter Career Day at school, and some mothers are going to
	talk about what they do. I volunteered you for refreshments, so I need eight hundred
	cookies by tomorrow.

PEGGY	Eight hundred cookies by tomorrow?! Why didn't you tell me before?

KELLY	Hey, they only told me about it two weeks ago.

(KELLY EXITS)

PEGGY	(SIGHS) Eight hundred cookies. Let's see. That's about eighty cents a cookie. Al, I
	need a thousand dollars.

AL	A thousand? No problem. Got change for a million?

PEGGY	C'mon, Al. I need money. I need eight hundred cookies by tomorrow. What am I gonna
	do?

AL	Hmm. Cookies. Dilemma dilemma. Let's see how others might have handled this. I
	remember reading one time, I believe it was The Enquirer... yes, I remember the
	headline. "Woman bakes cookies. Odd but true".

PEGGY	Was that the same issue where a man had sex with his wife?

AL	Yeah. If you read carefully, I believe it was the same woman who baked the cookies.

(AL EXITS UPSTAIRS)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT

(AL IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH, HIS HANDS DOWN HIS PANTS. PEGGY IS IN THE KITCHEN. SHE WEEPS AS
SHE SLOWLY STIRS A BIG BOWL. BUD ENTERS AND CROSSES TO PEGGY)

BUD	Miss, have you seen my mom?

PEGGY	It's me, Bud.

BUD	But you're... you're...

PEGGY	(SHAMED) Cooking? Yes, Bud.

(BUD LOOKS IN THE BOWL)

BUD	But not for us, right?

PEGGY	No. I'd never do that.

BUD	Good. Can I have some money?

PEGGY	You know where we keep it.

BUD	Right, Mom.

(BUD CROSSES OVER TO THE SLEEPING AL AND PUSHES HIM, ROLLING HIM OVER SO HIS BACK POCKET IS
ATTAINABLE. BUD STARTS TO LIFT HIS WALLET. AL OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS AT BUD)

AL	Would it be easier for everybody if I just slept like this?

(HE HOLDS THE WALLET UP BY HIS THUMP AND FOREFINGER)

BUD	It's an investment, Dad. Kelly's got a big math test coming up and we're getting a
	pool together to guess her score. If I act fast, I can cover zero to twenty and
	we'll be rolling in dough.

AL	(HANDING HIM MONEY) Okay. Put me down for fifteen, and where's your jacket?

BUD	I lost it. Boy, I really liked this one too.

AL	Peg, did you hear this?

(PEGGY LOOKS AT INSTRUCTIONS ON A BOX OF COOKIES)

PEGGY	(TO SELF) What's a degree?

(AL REACTS)

SFX: DOORBELL

(AL CROSSES TO THE DOOR)

AL	Oh, please be a homicidal maniac. Please.

(HE OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE)

AL	Well, close.

STEVE	Al, I know this is usually Encyclopedia Brittanica hour at your house, but I was
	wondering if you could spare a minute to pay for the window your son broke.

AL	Wait a second, Steve. What makes you think Bud did it?

STEVE	Well, it happened right after I said to him, "Hey, Bud, aren't you throwing those
	snowballs a little close to my house?"

AL	Bud, what do you have to say for yourself?

BUD	Kelly's failing English.

AL	I don't want to hear about it. Now get some scotch tape and a piece of Steve's
	newspaper and tape up that window.

STEVE	Uh, Al, as soothing as the sound of wind whacking against the sports section may be,
	I was thinking more along the lines of fifty bucks for a new window.

BUD	And while you're at it, Dad, I could use another sixty for a jacket.

AL	Steve, I'm glad this happened. It comes at a perfect time.

STEVE	Winter?

AL	No. It's time Bud learned some responsibility, and he's gonna pay for your window.
	And his own jacket.

STEVE	Al, why don't you give me the fifty and let Bud pay you back.

AL	Hey, I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.

STEVE	Okay, how about this? It's six degrees in my living room and I think the lesson is
	mine to learn. I'll pay for the window myself.

AL	That's fine for you, Steve, but what's in it for Bud?

STEVE	Okay. I'll give him fifty bucks to forget the whole thing.

AL	No deal. Bud, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna learn the value of a dollar.
	Tomorrow you're going to work with me.

BUD	But, dad...

(AL STARTS UPSTAIRS. BUD FOLLOWS)

AL	And after you see what I go through every day, you'll think twice about losing 
	jackets, breaking windows, getting married, having children, coming home...

(THEY EXIT. STEVE STANDS THERE UNCOMFORTABLY FOR A BEAT)

PEGGY	Steve. What's a TBLS? (PRONOUNCED TIBLISS)

STEVE	Uh, that's short for tablespoon.

PEGGY	And someone's supposed to know that, huh?

(THE DOOR OPENS AND MARCY ENTERS)

MARCY	Steve, did you know our window is broken?

STEVE	Yes. Bud did it. I apologized and they promised to let me pay for it. I'm going to
	get a new pane of glass now. You stay here. It's safe. They never foul their own nest.

(HE EXITS. SHE SEES PEGGY IN THE KITCHEN. SHE CROSSES TO HER)

MARCY	Peggy, what's wrong?

PEGGY	Can't you see? I'm baking. Look, Marcy. Look what they look like before they're
	cookies.

(SHE REACHES IN WITH HER HANDS, TAKES A GLOB OF COOKIE DOUGH, SHAPES IT LIKE A MEATBALL,
THEN THUNKS IT DOWN ON A PAN. MARCY LOOKS AT IT)

MARCY	I see you're making chocolate chip.

PEGGY	No. That one just fell on the floor. Oh, Marcy. I don't belong in the kitchen. I'm
	a woman, damnit.

MARCY	Let me help you.

PEGGY	I couldn't ask you to do that.

(PEGGY HANDS HER THE BOWL, THE SPOON, AND SITS AT THE TABLE. MARCY REACTS)

MARCY	Uh, how many do you need?

PEGGY	Eight hundred or so. But I want Kelly to be proud of me, so make an even thou.

(MARCY STIRS THE BATTER AND FINDS SOMETHING)

MARCY	Uh, Peggy. This hair. Would you like it sticking out of the cookie or as a surprise
	in the middle?

PEGGY	Oh, however they do it at the bakeries.

MARCY	Oh, then you'll want it inside. What do you need these cookies for, anyway?

PEGGY	Oh, it's for Mother/Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school.

MARCY	So, what are you going to wear?

(SHE DIGS IN BATTER)

MARCY	Something that goes with these earrings?

(SHE PULLS OUT AN EARRING)

PEGGY	No. Those are too dressy. Besides, why would I go to Career Day?

MARCY	You have a career. You're a homemaker. A homemaker is a very undervalued profession.
	You should go and speak about the things you do for your family. Like... uh... well,
	you did give birth. (BEAT) Didn't you?

PEGGY	I guess. I was so deep under I could have laid eggs.

MARCY	Yes, well, Steve and I have a theory about that. But... don't you think Kelly wants
	you to go?

PEGGY	She never asked me.

MARCY	A lot of times, kids don't come right out and ask what they really want. I know, when
	I was a young girl I wanted a horse. So I started talking about stirrups. My mother
	took me to the gynecologist. So, now, whenever I see a western, I have this urge to
	scootch to the end of the table.

PEGGY	Marcy, say what you mean.

MARCY	I want a horsie, damnit. No, that's not what I mean. I mean that no matter what she
	says, I'm sure Kelly wants you to come to Career Day.

PEGGY	Y'know, she has been acting kind of strange. Just this morning she asked me for
	breakfast. I wonder what she really wanted. Oh, well, it's not my problem. Y'know,
	maybe I will go to Career Day. I can't disappoint Kelly.

(KELLY APPEARS AT THE LANDING)

KELLY	Mom, have you seen my sweater?

PEGGY	Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cooking? God, it never ends.

(SHE PUTS HER FEET ON THE TABLE. MARCY STIRS)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

(A BANNER READS "WOMEN'S CAREER DAY". THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS SEVERAL BOOTHS. FIRST "BE A
DOCTOR". BY THE BOOTH IS DR. WEBER, TALKING WITH SEVERAL STUDENTS. NEXT TO IT IS "BE AN
ASTRONAUT". ASTRONAUT CLAYTON IS TALKING TO SEVERAL STUDENTS. NEXT IS "BE A JUDGE". JUDGE
SPIVAK IS TALKING TO SEVERAL STUDENTS. LAST IS "HOUSEWIFE". PEGGY SITS ON HER COUCH. THERE
ARE NO STUDENTS TALKING TO HER. ON THE COFFEE TABLE IS A PLATE OF COOKIES, BONBONS, A 
REMOTE CONTROL, A PHONE, AND A T.V. GUIDE. DRAPED OVER THE COUCH IS A PAIR OF AL'S PANTS.
KELLY WANDERS OVER)

KELLY	Hi, Mom. How's it goin'?

(SHE SITS ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY	Fine. Fine. Nobody's talking to me... well, I shouldn't say nobody. A teacher gave
	me detention for smoking in the bathroom. Oh, and the girls' gym teacher asked me if
	I'd like to come over so we could comb each other's hair.

KELLY	Well, if you go, she'll get you out of that detention.

PEGGY	Listen, Kelly. I really thought some kids would come over and ask me some questions.
	I juess I'm making you look pretty bad in front of your friends.

KELLY	Oh, Mom. Don't worry about it. Most of my friends aren't even up yet.

PEGGY	I know, but I wanted to make you proud of me. Like the other kids are proud of their
	moms.

KELLY	But you're not like other moms. I knew that my first day of kindergarten when I
	opened my lunch box and found a dollar and a road map to Burger King.

PEGGY	(FONDLY) I packed that lunch myself. (BEAT) But maybe there's more to being a good
	mom than good nutrition. I mean, look. (INDICATES OTHER BOOTHS) Those kids seem to be
	learning so much from those other moms.

KELLY	Hey, those other moms couldn't have taught me how to forge Dad's signature.

PEGGY	I can't take credit for that. Bud showed me, and I passed it on to you. And you're
	good at it, too. Why your "Al Bundy" is worth more than the checks it's written on.

KELLY	You helped me in lots of ways. Remember when I was seven and I was crying because
	Bobby Sheckman liked Terry Mall just because she was a blond. And you ran right out
	and bought me my first bottle of bleach.

PEGGY	Oh yeah. I almost forgot about that. (THINKS, THEN) Honey, what is the real color
	of your hair?

KELLY	I don't know. What color's yours?

PEGGY	I don't know. Y'know, it's times like these I wish we had taken some pictures. Hey,
	listen. Let's get out of here and have our own Mother-Daughter day. Let's get some
	popcorn, feed the pigeons, and then walk by a construction site and make them hoot
	like jackals.

KELLY	Too cool for school.

(PEGGY AND KELLY START TO GATHER THEIR THINGS AS A STUDENT, SUSAN, WANDERS OVER)

SUSAN	Hey, excuse me. What do you do?

PEGGY	Well... I dunno. Nothing really... I watch T.V.

SUSAN	Then how do you make money?

PEGGY	Easy. My husband has a job, he brings his paycheck home, and what he doesn't give me,
	I take.

SUSAN	Wow! (CALLS OUT) Hey, Becky, you gotta hear this.

(SEVERAL GIRLS HEAD OVER. PEGGY AND KELLY EXCHANGE A SMILE)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. SHOE STORE - SAME DAY

(AL AND BUD ARE SITTING)

BUD	Dad, tell me again this lesson I'll never forget.

AL	Well, Bud, it's about responsibility. You can't just go through life asking for money
	and doing nothing to earn it. Your mom's already cornered that market. So I just want
	to show you where money comes from. Remember that three hundred and twenty pound
	behemoth that orbited her way in here about an hour ago?

BUD	The one with the chicken wing between her teeth?

AL	No, the other one. Now, that was a twenty dollar sale. That means a solid dollar
	ninety seven for me. After taxes, social security, and your mother, I just earned
	myself a cool nickel. (BEAT) Y'know, I never figured that out before, Bud. What the
	hell am I doin'? Other people earn money. (PULLS HIMSELF OUT OF IT) Ah, but we're
	not talking about me. We're talking about you. You're living in a time when the
	possibilities for a smart young guy like you are limitless. Why you could... a
	nickel? That's what I make? Why do I even go on?

BUD	Uh, Dad...

AL	Just a second. Dad needs a moment here. A nickel. That can't be right. It just 
	can't be. Oh, well, the important thing is you learn responsibility, and that old
	dad is a little more than a Ready Teller Machine that'll dole out money whenever
	anybody asks.

(A CUSTOMER, JADE, ENTERS)

JADE	Excuse me. Would you be able to spare some cab fare?

AL	Absolutely.

(SHE SITS. HE GOES TO THE CASH REGISTER)

AL	Beverage?

JADE	No thanks. (TO BUD) And who might you be?

BUD	I might be the son of a rich man, but fate stepped in and dealt me a tragic hand.

AL	Don't speak to him. He loses jackets. (GIVES HER THE MONEY) Here you go.

JADE	I'm sorry I had to ask, but can you believe it? I lost my purse.

AL	Well, let's retrace your steps. We'll start with your shower this morning. What were
	you wearing?

JADE	Well, nothing.

AL	I thought so. And what kind of soap were you using?

BUD	Dad... can I speak to you for a second?

AL	I'm with a customer.

(HE PULLS AL ASIDE)

BUD	Dad, I don't get it. I lost a jacket, I get a lecture. She loses a purse, she gets
	twenty bucks. How come I have to learn responsibility and she doesn't?

(JADE WANDERS OVER TO LOOK AT SOME SHOES. AL LOOKS AT HER)

AL	Son. Look at that.

(BUD DOES)

AL	When you have a skill like that, you won't need responsibility either. (BEAT) Bud,
	I just got an idea.

BUD	Me too, dad.

AL	No. I mean I got a great idea how you can earn some money. You're gonna have a
	lemonade stand. Nothin' better on a hot day.

BUD	But it's twelve degrees.

AL	Not where I'm standing.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. CLASSROOM - AROUND THE SAME TIME

(ALL THE OTHER BOOTHS ARE EMPTY. EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE OTHER MOTHERS, ARE CROWDED AROUND
PEGGY'S BOOTH. THERE IS A LINE OF KIDS STANDING IN FRONT OF AL'S PANTS. A GIRL IS TRYING TO
LIFT THE WALLET)

PEGGY	No, no, you lift with your right hand. Your left hand has to hold the pillow over
	his head.

KELLY	Mom, a remote control question over here.

PEGGY	Be right there.

(SHE SEES A GIRL EATING)

PEGGY	No, no Kimberly. You roll the Bonbon in your mouth. Roll it. Roll it.

(KIMBERLY EATS ON) 

PEGGY	(TO GIRL WITH HAND UP) Yes?

BECKY	What if your husband is watching something stupid like sports. And he has the
	remote control.

(THE GIRLS MURMUR "OOH, TOUGH ONE")

PEGGY	Ah, an advanced question. This requires planning. As I explained in the section on
	how to use your TV Guide, when you fold down the pages of what you want to see,
	scan for sporting events that can kill your evening. That day, set the channel you
	want, then remove the battery from the remote control. Most men will only push a
	remote button four times before giving up. (GLEEFULLY) And they won't get up to
	change the station manually because (JOYFULLY) they're tired from work.

(EVERYONE APPLAUDS. THE JUDGE RAISES HER HAND)

PEGGY	Judge Spivak?

JUDGE S	What about meals? How do they get done?

PEGGY	(HOLDING PHONE TO HER EAR) Hello. Do you deliver?

(EVERYONE APPLAUDS)

SUSAN	So, what you're saying is that work is stupid?

PEGGY	Only for women. I mean why should we age and sweat and die early? That's what men
	are for.

(BECKY GOES OVER TO KELLY)

BECKY	Your mom is the greatest. And where did she learn to make such good cookies?

KELLY	(PROUD) She tricked a neighbor into baking them.

(THE CROWD GOES WILD. THEY CHANT "PEG-GY, PEG-GY")

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY

(ALL THE FURNITURE IS BACK IN PLACE. PEGGY AND KELLY SIT ON THE COUCH. AL'S PANTS ARE DRAPED
ON THE SIDE)

KELLY	I couldn't believe that astronaut. Forty years old, and she didn't even know who
	Oprah was.

PEGGY	Spend some time on Earth lady.

KELLY	You know, Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing. I
	want to be nothing.

PEGGY	(HUGGING KELLY) You make me so proud. I wish your father could hear that.

KELLY	What are they doing selling lemonade? It must be five below out there.

PEGGY	Something about a lesson. I couldn't really understand Bud. He had a lemon stuck to
	his lips.

(AL AND BUD ENTER. BUD WEARS AL'S COAT. AL CARRIES BUD)

KELLY	What happened to Bud?

AL	Mr. Erickson was running his snow blower. It sucked up a quarter, shot it across the
	street and it hit Bud in the head.

(BUD OPENS HIS EYES)

BUD	(STILL SELLING) L-l-lemonde. Get yer ice-cold lemonade.

AL	Snap out of it, Bud. We're in the house.

BUD	Is Mom here?

PEGGY	I'm right here, Bud.

BUD	(CONFIDENTIALLY) Just smile as I talk to you. I think we're going to have to put Dad
	away.

AL	(FREEZING) Hey, Peg. How 'bout some nice hot chocolate for the workin' men?

PEGGY	I can't, Al. I'm taking Kelly shopping.

KELLY	Hey, Mom. This quarter fell off Bud's head. We can use it for parking.

PEGGY	No honey. We have an out of order sign for that. I know. We'll use it to buy some
	lemonade at the mall.

(THE EXIT)

AL	Bud, I think you learned a couple of valuable lessons today. One, never touch a metal
	spoon when it's five degrees. And two, look at yourself. You're cold, you're hungry,
	and you're starting to stoop. You made a quarter and the women took it. Congratulations,
	son. Today, you are a man.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO