FINAL DRAFT SCRIPT:
0311 (046)
EATIN' OUT
FEBRUARY 2, 1989
Executive Producers
Ron Leavitt
and
Michael G. Moye
Supervising Producer
Richard Gurman
Producers
Sandy Sprung
&
Marcy Vosburgh
Associate Producer
Barbara Cramer
Directed By
Gerry Cohen
Written By
Sandy Sprung
&
Marcy Vosburgh
AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION
SHOW: #0311
TAPE: 2/3/89
AIR: N/A
CAST
----
AL BUNDY ........................ ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ..................... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ................... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ................... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ..................... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ....................... DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ................... MIKE, THE DOG
MAITRE D' ....................... CLEMENT VON FRANCKENSTEIN
PAUL ............................ MICHAEL TULIN
HAROLD .......................... TOM TULLY
HAROLD'S WIFE ................... MARY JO KIRWAN
PHOTO GIRL ...................... DONA SPEIR
WAITER #1 ....................... WILLIAM ROGERS
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(AL AND PEGGY ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS CARRIYING SUITCASES)
AL Okay, we're gonna be gone a week. Did you turn off the phone?
PEGGY Yep.
AL Heat, electricity, water?
PEGGY All shut off. Al, you think the kids are gonna be okay in the house for a week by
themselves?
AL Well, if you're worried about them, you stay with them. It won't be the same without
you. I might have some fun.
PEGGY Oh, no, Al. I'm goin'. After all, if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be able to afford
this trip. It was my uncle who died.
SFX: DOORBELL
AL It's the mail! Our inheritance check.
(AL ANSWERS DOOR TO MAIL PERSON, GRABS MAIL AND SLAMS DOOR. HE SORTS THE MAIL)
AL Bill, (TOSSES IT) bill... (TOSSES IT) bill... (TOSSES IT AND HOLDS REMAINING ENVELOPE)
here it is!
(HE KISSES IT AND PEGGY)
AL Grab the suitcases. We'll open it and cash it on the way!
(AL HEADS OUT THE FRONT DOOR WITH THE ENVELOPE. PEGGY FOLLOWS WITH SUITCASES. THEY GIGGLE.
THEY ARE GONE A BEAT THEN SLINK BACK IN FOLLOWED BY BUD AND KELLY)
BUD Pretty low, Dad.
(THE KIDS "TSK")
PEGGY What tipped you off?
KELLY We knew something was up when you packed us a lunch.
(AL LOOKS AT PEGGY. SHE HANGS HER HEAD)
AL Well, all right. Since we're all here and I have no choice, you might as well know the
bad news. Uncle Henry died.
(THE KIDS CHEER)
BUD Fork it over, Dad. We deserve that money just as much as you two did.
KELLY If not more. Let's not forget, when Uncle Henry was losing his mind, I was the one
who pretended to be his mother. And I was the one who told him to leave something to
those nice Bundys.
BUD How much do you think it is, Mom?
PEGGY It's got to be a lot. You know what a miser he was. He was so cheap he'd buy day old
bread. And why did he do that, Kids?
BUD/KEL It didn't matter because he toasted it anyway.
PEGGY (FONDLY) Remember that song we used to sing about Uncle Henry?
(THEY SING A LA THE CARRIBEAN SONG, "DAY-O")
EVERYBO DAY OLD!
DAY OLD BREAD!
UNCLE HENRY BUYS A DAY OLD BREAD!
HEY MR. BAKERMAN, NONE OF THAT FRESH STUFF,
UNCLE HENRY BUYS A...
AL Okay, that's enough. It's opening time.
(AL TAKES THE CHECK OUT WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT AND COVERS THE AMOUNT. EVERYBODY LEANS OVER. THE
KIDS LICK THEIR CHOPS)
AL Okay, working backwards, I see a seven! I see a three!
(THE KIDS MAKE LITTLE ANIMAL SOUNDS)
AL I see a two!
(BUD GETS WEAK IN THE KNEES)
BUD What do you see now, Dad?
AL I see a check for two hundred and thirty-seven dollars.
(THE KIDS GROAN)
BUD I buffed this man's carbuncles for two hundred and thirty-seven dollars?
KELLY How do you think I feel? I was his mother. Look, two hundred thirty-seven dollars
split four ways comes to... to... Bud?
BUD Fifty-nine twenty-five each.
KELLY Exactly. And that won't even buy fake I.D. The only plan that makes sense is to give it
to Bud and me. We can split the money, and get front row tickets to the Tears and
Vomit concert tomorrow night.
PEGGY Well, then where's the fun in this death for me? He was my relative, and he would want
me to get a bikini wax and a nice perm.
KEL/BUD Tears and Vomit!
PEGGY Bikini wax!
KEL/BUD Tears and Vomit!
PEGGY Bikini wax!
AL Kids! Peg! Come on, let's not let our sudden wealth turn us against each other like
that family on Dynasty. Let's all be reasonable. Would you rather Uncle Henry had not
died?
P/K/B No.
AL All right then. We got the money as a family. We're going to spend it as a family.
SFX: DOORBELL
AL I'll get it.
PEGGY We'll all get it.
(AL OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY AND STEVE WHO ARE CARRYING A DOGGY BAG)
MARCY Hi, we just had a little romantic lunch downtown and we brought a nice prime rib
bone for Buck.
(PEGGY TAKES THE BAG AND REMOVES THE BONE)
PEGGY Oh, how nice. Hey! There's meat on it!
(AL SHUTS THE DOOR ON STEVE AND MARCY. PEGGY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN, PUTS BONE ON PLATTER AND
BEGINS SETTING THE TABLE FOR FOUR. THE KIDS HELP HER SET THE TABLE)
SFX: DOORBELL
(AL OPENS IT TO STEVE AND MARCY)
AL Now what?
(MARCY KICKS HIM IN THE SHIN)
STEVE What Marcy means is, "you're welcome."
AL Y'know, as long as you're imposing, let me ask you a question. As you can see, our
house is in great sadness. We just inherited two hundred thirty-seven bucks. What do
you think we should do with it?
MARCY Well, let's see. (RUNNING THEM OFF) Charm school, car muffler, high hedges...
STEVE Your own newspaper subscription. Your own garbage cans. Bail money for the children.
AL To hell with the future. I'm talking about now.
STEVE In that case you could pay back the money you owe us.
AL A man just died here, Steve, and I don't think he left us this money to pay you back.
He wanted us to have fun. As a matter of fact, what were his last words, Kelly?
KELLY (DEATH RATTLE) Heh-mehhh (DYING OUT)
AL So there you have it, Steve. You don't deny a man his death wish.
PEGGY (PUTTING PLATTER WITH BONE ON TABLE) I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We're about
to have dinner.
MARCY I have a suggestion. Why don't you use the money to go to a nice restaurant. Get all
dressed up, find some place elegant and get something to eat for God's sake!
PEGGY (CROSSING IN) Ooh, Al. That's a good idea. We did that once, remember? It was right
after Kelly was born.
(SHE SITS NEXT TO AL)
PEGGY Mom gave us money to get Kelly some booster shots, but she was crying so much we
decided to go out instead. Her whooping cough only lasted a couple of weeks, but the
memories of that meal will last a lifetime.
(THEY HOLD HANDS. MARCY AND STEVE REACT)
PEGGY Al, let's do it. Let's have a nice dinner. You never take me out any more.
AL Well... why not? Kids, what do you say? You want to go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?
BUD We want to see Tears and Vomit.
AL You can see that when your mom cooks.
PEGGY Come here, kids.
(THE KIDS DRAG OVER)
PEGGY Come on, nobody's gonna hit you.
(THEY SIT WITH HER)
PEGGY That's right. Now, we have a chance to do something as a family. Who knows then the
state'll come in and tear us apart.
(SHE PUTS HER ARMS AROUND THEM. KELLY AND BUD MUMBLE SADLY, "OH, ALL RIGHT")
AL Then it's settled. Tomorrow we put on our fancy duds, gas up the old war wagon, and
dine like royalty.
(HE SEES BUCK WHO TAKES THE BONE OFF THE TABLE)
AL Dog's got our food.
(BUCK RUNS OFF WITH THE BONE, THE FAMILY CHASES AFTER HIM, STEVE AND MARCY REACT)
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. RESTAURANT - NEXT NIGHT
(IT'S A LOVELY PLACE, DANCE FLOOR AND TUXEDOED BAND. THE PATRONS ARE WELL DRESSED. THE BUNDYS
ENTER, ALSO WELL DRESSED -- FOR BUNDYS. PEGGY AND THE KIDS "OOH" AND "AHH")
AL That's right, show your lack of breeding. Now be quiet and I'll handle everything.
(TO MAITRE D') Reservation for Warren Beatty and family.
MAITRE (HE REACTS, THEN) Right this way, Sir.
(AS THE FAMILY FOLLOWS HIM TO A TABLE THEY PASS A COUPLE EATING. THEY STOP AND STARE AT THE
COUPLE'S FOOD)
AL Hey, that steak looks good. I think I'm going to have that.
PEGGY And look at that bald guy's chicken!
(THE BALD GUY REACTS. THE KIDS "OOH" AND LICK THEIR CHOPS)
MAITRE Uh, this way, please. Your table awaits.
(THE BUNDYS ARE SEATED AT THEIR TABLE)
MAITRE Before you see a menu, would you like to begin with a cocktail?
AL Coke.
PEGGY Coke.
BUD Coke.
KELLY Jack and a beer back.
(THE FAMILY STARES AT HER)
KELLY It's slang the kids use. It means... Coke.
(THE MAITRE D' MOVES OFF)
PEGGY Isn't this beautiful, kids?
(THEY ALL POCKET SILVERWARE. ANOTHER WAITER, PAUL, APPROACHES)
PAUL Good evening, I'm Paul and I'll be your waiter for tonight. Would you care to hear
about our fresh fish?
AL Yeah, maybe after dinner. Right now, we'll have four steaks. Nuke 'em.
PAUL Very good. Potato?
AL How much for a potato?
PAUL Well, it... comes with the meal.
AL Potatoes for everybody.
PAUL Vegetables?
PEGGY We don't eat vegetables.
PAUL Of course.
(PAUL NODS AND EXITS)
MUSIC CUE: THE BAND PLAYS "MOON RIVER"
AL Hey, kids, you wanted to see a band tonight. We wanted a meal. (HE INDICATES PLACE)
Viola.
KELLY Oh, yeah, Dad, they're the coolest.
BUD I seem to recognize "Moon River", one of my personal favorites.
(PEOPLE GET UP AND DANCE)
PEGGY Al, would you like to dance?
AL You wouldn't mind?
PEGGY Of course not. I'd love it.
AL (TO PRETTY GIRL AT NEXT TABLE) Would you like to dance?
PEGGY Get up and dance with me, Moron.
(PEGGY PULLS AL UP AND THEY GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR)
BUD Y'know, I've never seen them this close together without their hands around each
other's throats. Look at 'em. Old-a-rama.
KELLY You are a soul-less troll. I think it's romantic that two dinosaurs like Mom and Dad
still care enough about each other to dance. Look at them. You can see how much they
really love each other.
(WE SEE AL AND PEGGY DANCING)
PEGGY Couldn't you even put on deodorant, you pig?
AL You didn't use quite enough hair spray tonight, Peg. I can still smell your breath.
(HE DIPS HER. THEY DANCE PAST THE KIDS)
BUD Hey, Kell, watch me have some fun with this waiter.
(BUD TAKES A SIP OF WATER AND PUTS HIS GLASS DOWN. THE WAITER INSTANTLY REFILLS IT. BUD SIPS
AGAIN AND GETS A REFILL. THEY GIGGLE. AS BUD REACHES FOR HIS WATER GLASS AGAIN THE WAITER
STOPS HIM)
WAITER1 Excuse me, young people. How would you like me to kill you?
BUD That will be all.
(THEY SIT WELL-BEHAVED. THE WAITER LEAVES. WE GO BACK TO PEGGY AND AL ON THE DANCE FLOOR)
MUSIC CUE: "MOON RIVER"
PEGGY (SINGING SOFTLY TO AL. SHE SLOWLY BUILDS IN VOLUME) TWO DRIFTERS, OFF TO SEE THE WORLD.
THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF WORLD TO SEE. WE'RE AFTER THE SAME RAINBOW'S END. WAITIN' ROUND
THE BEND. (LOUD AND UNAWARE) MY HUCKLEBERRY FRIEND MOON RIVER AND ME.
(EVERYONE IS STARING AT THEM. PEGGY STOPS, EMBARRASSED. AN OLD MAN WITH HIS ELDERLY WIFE TSKS
DISAPPROVAL)
AL Yeah, I know. But at least she's not a hundred.
PEGGY Thanks, Al.
AL Hey, you're my woman.
(THEY CROSS BACK TO THE TABLE. THE FOOD HAS JUST ARRIVED)
PEGGY Gee, Al, everything looks so great.
(THE KIDS ARE LICKING THEIR CHOPS AND ARE READY TO DIG IN)
AL Kids, we're not at home. This is a special evening and a special meal. I think we
should show our thanks and say Grace.
(THEY BOW THEIR HEADS)
BUD (V.O.) Look at that steak. I think I'm getting sexually excited.
KELLY (V.O.) I knew you were supposed to cook a potato. I knew it, I knew it.
PEGGY (V.O.) This food could be trouble. They're all going to like it and then they're
going to look at me.
(THEY LOOK AT PEGGY. THEN GO BACK TO GRACE)
AL (V.O.) And Lord, I'd just like to say... other people get to eat like this all the
time. Animals at the zoo eat better than me. And more often, I might add. Don't I rate
as much as a jackal gets? Oh, well, thanks for listening. Your friend, Al.
(THEY RAISE THEIR HEADS)
AL Amen. Let's eat!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT MONTAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
(THE BUNDYS HAVE THEIR NAPKINS TIED AROUND THEIR NECKS AND EAT WITH THEIR HANDS. THEY SNORT THE
FOOD LIKE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS. THEY MAKE GRUNTING SOUNDS A LA "QUEST FOR FIRE")
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
(AL GRUNTS AND GESTURES TO BUD WHO UNDERSTANDS AND TOSSES HIM A ROLL. AL RIPS THE ROLL OPEN
AND PUTS HIS STEAK ON IT)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
(AL AND PEGGY INTERTWINE ARMS. PEGGY FEEDS HIM STEAK. AL REROUTES HIS FORK PAST HER OPEN
MOUTH AND FEEDS HIMSELF MORE STEAK)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
(BUD SLATHERS HIS STEAK WITH KETCHUP)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
(KELLY LICKS HER PLATE)
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - A WHILE LATER
(THE MEAL IS OVER. THERE IS AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN AN ICE BUCKET. THE REMAINS OF
DESSERT IS ALL OVER THE TABLE. THE FAMILY IS REELING FROM ALL THE FOOD. KELLY IS SLUMPED BACK
IN HER CHAIR, FULL AND HAPPY)
AL Whoaa, yeoww, urp. That was eatin'. There's only one way to top a meal like this.
BUD A cigar?
AL No. (GESTURES TO PAUL) Oh, waiter, do you have a newspaper?
PAUL Right away, Sir.
(HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS AND A BUSBOY APPEARS WITH A NEWSPAPER. AL GETS UP, STICKS THE PAPER
UNDER HIS ARM AND SAUNTERS OFF)
AL (SINGS) Waitin' round the bend...
(HE HUMS OFF)
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - LATER
(THE FAMILY IS AT THE TABLE. THE TABLE HAS BEEN CLEANED EXCEPT FOR WATER GLASSES AND ONE CUP
OF COFFEE)
PEGGY (DIGGING IN HER TEETH WITH A TOOTHPICK) I feel like the Queen of England.
(SHE SPITS A BIT OF FOOD ON THE FLOOR, THEN)
PEGGY Al, are you sure we have enough money for this meal?
AL Yes, Peg. That's why I only ordered myself a coffee. I added it all up and it comes
to two twenty-five fifty-seven. And that includes tax, which I know about because I'm
in the business world. (COOLLY TO PAUL) Oh, garkarooni. Check please.
(PAUL PRESENTS THE CHECK WITH A FLOURISH AND MOVES OFF. PEG LOOKS NERVOUS)
PEGGY How much is it, Al?
AL (READS CHECK COCKILY) Two twenty-five fifty-seven!
(AL LAUGHS, THE FAMILY LOOKS HAPPY. AL COCKILY REACHES INTO HIS RIGHT PANTS POCKET FOR HIS
WALLET. IT'S NOT THERE. AL LAUGHS AND COCKILY REACHES INTO HIS LEFT PANTS POCKET. IT'S NOT
THERE. HE LAUGHS AND REACHES INTO HIS JACKET BREAST POCKET. NO WALLET)
AL Heh heh. I forgot my wallet.
(KELLY AND BUD AD-LIB DISAPPOINTMENT WITH AL, LIKE, "WHAT A LOSER" AND "PINHEAD")
PEGGY Come on, kids. Give daddy a chance. (TO AL) What are you gonna do, idiot?
(AL NERVOUSLY TAKES A SIP OF WATER. A WAITER INSTANTLY REFILLS IT)
AL Okay, let's not panic. Let's see how much we've got. Peg?
PEGGY Ten bucks.
AL Bud.
BUD Seventy-five cents, Dad.
AL Kelly?
KELLY What?
AL (BEAT) Good girl. We've got ten seventy-five. Another couple hundred and we're there.
There's got to be a way we can do this and still maintain an air of dignity.
KELLY You want me to throw a fit on the floor like I do at Denny's?
AL No, that was for three ninety-five. For two hundred and twenty-five they let you
swallow your tongue before they call an aumbulance. What are we gonna do, Peg?
PEGGY Well, it's too late for an annulment. Kids, take the keys, get Daddy's wallet, scratch
his name off the mailbox, and come back with the money.
(AL GIVES KELLY THE KEYS)
AL And Kelly...
KELLY I know. I'll be careful.
AL I don't care about that. Just don't change my radio stations.
(THE KIDS EXIT AS PAUL RETURNS)
PAUL Would you like me to take your check now?
AL Not quite now. We're letting the meal settle. We'll have some... uh... water, please.
Can't ever have enough water. Nature's fruit juice, you know.
(PAUL LEAVES)
PEGGY How long do you think it'll take the kids?
AL (TAKES OUT WATCH -- TAPS FINGERS) Well, let's see, it took us about forty minutes to
get here one way... the way Kelly drives, they should be there and back in eight
minutes.
(HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FIVE
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT - A BIT LATER
(KELLY AND BUD HEAD FOR FRONT DOOR)
BUD Got it, Kell?
KELLY (HOLDS UP WALLET) Got it.
(KELLY PUTS HER HAND ON THE DOORKNOB AND STOPS)
BUD Uh oh, confused again. Let me help. Turn the knob and then open the door.
KELLY No, young weenie. You know what just dawned on me?
BUD That two plus two equals four?
KELLY Hey, when I'm not in school I don't want to think about it, okay? (LOOKING AT WALLET)
I was just thinking that Mom and Dad already got a great meal out of this money. I
mean they're not gonna enjoy it any more by paying for it. And now we can enjoy this
money. It's not too late for Tears and Vomit.
BUD Wait a minute, what about Mom and Dad?
KELLY C'mon, Bud, who's better at beating a check than Mom and Dad. God, I mean you were
nine before you even knew a movie theatre had a front door. C'mon, don't worry about
them. Let's go.
BUD You realize if we do this we might not be able to come home tonight.
KELLY It won't be a first for me.
(BUD NODS IN AGREEMENT. THEY EXIT)
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SIX
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - LATER
AL (STILL TAPPING THE TABLE) Well, Peg, it's been two and a half hours. It's safe to say
they left us to die.
PEGGY I can't believe the kids would do this to us.
AL Oh, yeah. Like we wouldn't have done it to them.
(PAUL COMES OVER)
PAUL More water?
AL Yeah, yeah. Nature's fruit juice. Just pour it and go away.
(PAUL POURS AND EXITS. THE BAND RETURNS FROM A BREAK)
PEGGY What are we gonna do, Al?
AL (MIMICKING) What are we gonna do, Al? What are we gonna do, Al? (THEN) Yeah, the
answers aren't that easy once you're out of the bedroom, are they? All right, I got
another idea.
PEGGY Boy, the ideas come to you pretty quick outside the bedroom, don't they?
AL Just watch me operate.
(AL GETS UP AND WANDERS THROUGH THE TABLES HUMMING. HE NOTICES A MOUSEY LOOKING COUPLE AND
APPROACHES THEM)
AL (MUTTERS) BillbyBobSammyJim, hey, you old son of a gun! Long time no see!
(HE SHAKES THE GUY'S HAND)
AL Gee, what's it been? Six, seven years? This must be the wife. How he talked about you.
Look, this might not be a good time but remember that two hundred twenty-five
fifty-seven you owe me? I was going to let it slide. But that ruins friendships,
doesn't it?
WOMAN Oh, Harold.
HAROLD To tell you the truth, I'm a little low.
AL Hey, whatever you can spare. Five, ten bucks. What's a little money between friends.
Send me the rest.
HAROLD (HANDS AL MONEY) I can give you twenty.
AL Great!
HAROLD Hey, it's really good to see you.
AL (BRUSHING HIM OFF) Yeah, right.
(AL SEES ANOTHER GUY)
AL Hey, JoeJeffBob, you old toe picker...
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SEVEN
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
(AL RETURNS TO PEGGY AT THE TABLE)
PEGGY How'd you do?
AL Well, I was up to seventy-five dollars. But then I bumped into someone I really knew.
He saw me with money and I had to give him the fifty I owe him. Piker. He didn't even
remember my name.
(PAUL COMES OVER)
PAUL Sir, it's been three hours and we really need this table. We've got some nice water
for you to take home. Pay us.
AL Oh, it skipped my mind. I thought I paid you. Didn't I pay you?
(PAUL SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO")
AL Oh, well... how about giving me a newspaper?
PAUL I'll be right back with the manager, Sir.
(HE MOVES OFF)
PEGGY Is it okay if I panic now, Al?
AL Yeah. Now would be a good time, Peg.
PEGGY What do you think they'll do to us?
AL Well, this is a pretty classy place. So I guess they'll just beat the hell out of me
and toss me in a dumpster. But you, I guess all you'll have to do is wash dishes.
PEGGY Dishes? Me? No way. I'm taking charge here. Give me your shoes.
AL What are you talking about?
PEGGY Gimme the shoes, now!
(AS AL TAKES OFF HIS SHOES PAUL AND THE MAITRE D' APPROACH THE TABLE)
PAUL If you can't pay perhaps you'd like to discuss it with the... (HE SNIFFS AND FROWNS)
What's that?
PEGGY (HOLDING UP AL'S SHOE WITH THE INSIDES FACING OUT) This!
(PAUL AND THE MAITRE D' GASP AND RECOIL)
PEGGY Okay, everybody back! We're busting out of here. I want to see hands, people. Nobody
be a hero.
PHOTO G Oh my God. She's got a shoe.
PEGGY Nobody gets close, nobody gets sick.
(A MAN TRIES TO SNEAK UP BEHIND PEGGY. SHE WHIRLS AND HOLDS THE SHOE ON HIM. HE RAISES HIS
HANDS AND BACKS AWAY FRIGHTENED)
PEGGY I don't want to see anybody try that again. Al, get up.
(AL JOINS HER AND THEY START TO BACK OUT)
AL Wait a second, Peg.
(AL TAKES SOME NAPKINS AND STARTS LOADING THEM WITH PEOPLE'S FOOD. HE HOLDS THE NAPKIN OUT TO
ONE OF THE PATRONS WHO STARTS TO TAKE OFF HIS WATCH)
AL I don't want your watch, damnit, give me your shrimp. All of it!
(AL MOVES TO ANOTHER TABLE AS PEG COVERS HIM. A GUY NEXT TO AL STARTS TO REACH FOR THE PHONE)
PEGGY Al, your back!
(SHE TOSSES HIM A SHOE AND HE HOLDS IT ON THE GUY. THE GUY RECOILS FROM THE PHONE)
PEGGY Got the loot, Al?
AL Just one thing more.
(HE TAKES THE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS)
AL Let's get out of here.
(AS THEY BACK OUT OF THE ROOM PEG NOTICES THE QUIVERING BANDLEADER)
PEGGY Play some happy music.
(THE BAND NERVOUSLY STRIKES UP)
MUSIC CUE: "TIE A YELLOW RIBBON" MUSIC
(THEY ARE ALMOST OUT THE DOOR)
PEGGY I had a nice time tonight, honey.
AL Yeah, it was kinda nice being out for a change.
(THEY KISS)
AL Ready to make a run for the fire escape?
PEGGY You betcha.
(PEGGY AND AL BACK OUT. PEOPLE START TO GET UP BUT PEGGY RETURNS HOLDING A SOCK)
PEGGY And don't try to follow us.
(SHE VERY DELIBERATELY PLACES THE SOCK IN THE DOORWAY AND EXITS. AS THE BAND PLAYS ON)
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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