FINAL DRAFT SCRIPT:

0311 (046)

EATIN' OUT




FEBRUARY 2, 1989

Executive Producers
Ron Leavitt
and
Michael G. Moye

Supervising Producer
Richard Gurman

Producers
Sandy Sprung
&
Marcy Vosburgh

Associate Producer
Barbara Cramer

Directed By
Gerry Cohen

Written By
Sandy Sprung
&
Marcy Vosburgh

AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION

SHOW: #0311
TAPE: 2/3/89
AIR:  N/A


CAST
----
AL BUNDY ........................ ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ..................... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ................... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ................... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ..................... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ....................... DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ................... MIKE, THE DOG
MAITRE D' ....................... CLEMENT VON FRANCKENSTEIN
PAUL ............................ MICHAEL TULIN
HAROLD .......................... TOM TULLY
HAROLD'S WIFE ................... MARY JO KIRWAN
PHOTO GIRL ...................... DONA SPEIR
WAITER #1 ....................... WILLIAM ROGERS


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(AL AND PEGGY ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS CARRIYING SUITCASES)

AL	Okay, we're gonna be gone a week. Did you turn off the phone?

PEGGY	Yep.

AL	Heat, electricity, water?

PEGGY	All shut off. Al, you think the kids are gonna be okay in the house for a week by
	themselves?

AL	Well, if you're worried about them, you stay with them. It won't be the same without
	you. I might have some fun.

PEGGY	Oh, no, Al. I'm goin'. After all, if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be able to afford
	this trip. It was my uncle who died.

SFX: DOORBELL

AL	It's the mail! Our inheritance check.

(AL ANSWERS DOOR TO MAIL PERSON, GRABS MAIL AND SLAMS DOOR. HE SORTS THE MAIL)

AL	Bill, (TOSSES IT) bill... (TOSSES IT) bill... (TOSSES IT AND HOLDS REMAINING ENVELOPE)
	here it is!

(HE KISSES IT AND PEGGY)

AL	Grab the suitcases. We'll open it and cash it on the way!

(AL HEADS OUT THE FRONT DOOR WITH THE ENVELOPE. PEGGY FOLLOWS WITH SUITCASES. THEY GIGGLE.
THEY ARE GONE A BEAT THEN SLINK BACK IN FOLLOWED BY BUD AND KELLY)

BUD	Pretty low, Dad.

(THE KIDS "TSK")

PEGGY	What tipped you off?

KELLY	We knew something was up when you packed us a lunch.

(AL LOOKS AT PEGGY. SHE HANGS HER HEAD)

AL	Well, all right. Since we're all here and I have no choice, you might as well know the
	bad news. Uncle Henry died.

(THE KIDS CHEER)

BUD	Fork it over, Dad. We deserve that money just as much as you two did.

KELLY	If not more. Let's not forget, when Uncle Henry was losing his mind, I was the one
	who pretended to be his mother. And I was the one who told him to leave something to
	those nice Bundys.

BUD	How much do you think it is, Mom?

PEGGY	It's got to be a lot. You know what a miser he was. He was so cheap he'd buy day old
	bread. And why did he do that, Kids?

BUD/KEL	It didn't matter because he toasted it anyway.

PEGGY	(FONDLY) Remember that song we used to sing about Uncle Henry?

(THEY SING A LA THE CARRIBEAN SONG, "DAY-O")

EVERYBO	DAY OLD!
	DAY OLD BREAD!
	UNCLE HENRY BUYS A DAY OLD BREAD!
	HEY MR. BAKERMAN, NONE OF THAT FRESH STUFF,
	UNCLE HENRY BUYS A...

AL	Okay, that's enough. It's opening time.

(AL TAKES THE CHECK OUT WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT AND COVERS THE AMOUNT. EVERYBODY LEANS OVER. THE
KIDS LICK THEIR CHOPS)

AL	Okay, working backwards, I see a seven! I see a three!

(THE KIDS MAKE LITTLE ANIMAL SOUNDS)

AL	I see a two!

(BUD GETS WEAK IN THE KNEES)

BUD	What do you see now, Dad?

AL	I see a check for two hundred and thirty-seven dollars.

(THE KIDS GROAN)

BUD	I buffed this man's carbuncles for two hundred and thirty-seven dollars?

KELLY	How do you think I feel? I was his mother. Look, two hundred thirty-seven dollars
	split four ways comes to... to... Bud?

BUD	Fifty-nine twenty-five each.

KELLY	Exactly. And that won't even buy fake I.D. The only plan that makes sense is to give it
	to Bud and me. We can split the money, and get front row tickets to the Tears and
	Vomit concert tomorrow night.

PEGGY	Well, then where's the fun in this death for me? He was my relative, and he would want
	me to get a bikini wax and a nice perm.

KEL/BUD	Tears and Vomit!

PEGGY	Bikini wax!

KEL/BUD	Tears and Vomit!

PEGGY	Bikini wax!

AL	Kids! Peg! Come on, let's not let our sudden wealth turn us against each other like
	that family on Dynasty. Let's all be reasonable. Would you rather Uncle Henry had not
	died?

P/K/B	No.

AL	All right then. We got the money as a family. We're going to spend it as a family.

SFX: DOORBELL

AL	I'll get it.

PEGGY	We'll all get it.

(AL OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY AND STEVE WHO ARE CARRYING A DOGGY BAG)

MARCY	Hi, we just had a little romantic lunch downtown and we brought a nice prime rib
	bone for Buck.

(PEGGY TAKES THE BAG AND REMOVES THE BONE)

PEGGY	Oh, how nice. Hey! There's meat on it!

(AL SHUTS THE DOOR ON STEVE AND MARCY. PEGGY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN, PUTS BONE ON PLATTER AND
BEGINS SETTING THE TABLE FOR FOUR. THE KIDS HELP HER SET THE TABLE)

SFX: DOORBELL

(AL OPENS IT TO STEVE AND MARCY)

AL	Now what?

(MARCY KICKS HIM IN THE SHIN)

STEVE	What Marcy means is, "you're welcome."

AL	Y'know, as long as you're imposing, let me ask you a question. As you can see, our
	house is in great sadness. We just inherited two hundred thirty-seven bucks. What do
	you think we should do with it?

MARCY	Well, let's see. (RUNNING THEM OFF) Charm school, car muffler, high hedges...

STEVE	Your own newspaper subscription. Your own garbage cans. Bail money for the children.

AL	To hell with the future. I'm talking about now.

STEVE	In that case you could pay back the money you owe us.

AL	A man just died here, Steve, and I don't think he left us this money to pay you back.
	He wanted us to have fun. As a matter of fact, what were his last words, Kelly?

KELLY	(DEATH RATTLE) Heh-mehhh (DYING OUT)

AL	So there you have it, Steve. You don't deny a man his death wish.

PEGGY	(PUTTING PLATTER WITH BONE ON TABLE) I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We're about
	to have dinner.

MARCY	I have a suggestion. Why don't you use the money to go to a nice restaurant. Get all
	dressed up, find some place elegant and get something to eat for God's sake!

PEGGY	(CROSSING IN) Ooh, Al. That's a good idea. We did that once, remember? It was right
	after Kelly was born.

(SHE SITS NEXT TO AL)

PEGGY	Mom gave us money to get Kelly some booster shots, but she was crying so much we
	decided to go out instead. Her whooping cough only lasted a couple of weeks, but the
	memories of that meal will last a lifetime.

(THEY HOLD HANDS. MARCY AND STEVE REACT)

PEGGY	Al, let's do it. Let's have a nice dinner. You never take me out any more.

AL	Well... why not? Kids, what do you say? You want to go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?

BUD	We want to see Tears and Vomit.

AL	You can see that when your mom cooks.

PEGGY	Come here, kids.

(THE KIDS DRAG OVER)

PEGGY	Come on, nobody's gonna hit you.

(THEY SIT WITH HER)

PEGGY	That's right. Now, we have a chance to do something as a family. Who knows then the
	state'll come in and tear us apart.

(SHE PUTS HER ARMS AROUND THEM. KELLY AND BUD MUMBLE SADLY, "OH, ALL RIGHT")

AL	Then it's settled. Tomorrow we put on our fancy duds, gas up the old war wagon, and
	dine like royalty.

(HE SEES BUCK WHO TAKES THE BONE OFF THE TABLE)

AL	Dog's got our food.

(BUCK RUNS OFF WITH THE BONE, THE FAMILY CHASES AFTER HIM, STEVE AND MARCY REACT)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

INT. RESTAURANT - NEXT NIGHT

(IT'S A LOVELY PLACE, DANCE FLOOR AND TUXEDOED BAND. THE PATRONS ARE WELL DRESSED. THE BUNDYS
ENTER, ALSO WELL DRESSED -- FOR BUNDYS. PEGGY AND THE KIDS "OOH" AND "AHH")

AL	That's right, show your lack of breeding. Now be quiet and I'll handle everything.
	(TO MAITRE D') Reservation for Warren Beatty and family.

MAITRE	(HE REACTS, THEN) Right this way, Sir.

(AS THE FAMILY FOLLOWS HIM TO A TABLE THEY PASS A COUPLE EATING. THEY STOP AND STARE AT THE
COUPLE'S FOOD)

AL	Hey, that steak looks good. I think I'm going to have that.

PEGGY	And look at that bald guy's chicken!

(THE BALD GUY REACTS. THE KIDS "OOH" AND LICK THEIR CHOPS)

MAITRE	Uh, this way, please. Your table awaits.

(THE BUNDYS ARE SEATED AT THEIR TABLE)

MAITRE	Before you see a menu, would you like to begin with a cocktail?

AL	Coke.

PEGGY	Coke.

BUD	Coke.

KELLY	Jack and a beer back.

(THE FAMILY STARES AT HER)

KELLY	It's slang the kids use. It means... Coke.

(THE MAITRE D' MOVES OFF)

PEGGY	Isn't this beautiful, kids?

(THEY ALL POCKET SILVERWARE. ANOTHER WAITER, PAUL, APPROACHES)

PAUL	Good evening, I'm Paul and I'll be your waiter for tonight. Would you care to hear
	about our fresh fish?

AL	Yeah, maybe after dinner. Right now, we'll have four steaks. Nuke 'em.

PAUL	Very good. Potato?

AL	How much for a potato?

PAUL	Well, it... comes with the meal.

AL	Potatoes for everybody.

PAUL	Vegetables?

PEGGY	We don't eat vegetables.

PAUL	Of course.

(PAUL NODS AND EXITS)

MUSIC CUE: THE BAND PLAYS "MOON RIVER"

AL	Hey, kids, you wanted to see a band tonight. We wanted a meal. (HE INDICATES PLACE)
	Viola.

KELLY	Oh, yeah, Dad, they're the coolest.

BUD	I seem to recognize "Moon River", one of my personal favorites.

(PEOPLE GET UP AND DANCE)

PEGGY	Al, would you like to dance?

AL	You wouldn't mind?

PEGGY	Of course not. I'd love it.

AL	(TO PRETTY GIRL AT NEXT TABLE) Would you like to dance?

PEGGY	Get up and dance with me, Moron.

(PEGGY PULLS AL UP AND THEY GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR)

BUD	Y'know, I've never seen them this close together without their hands around each
	other's throats. Look at 'em. Old-a-rama.

KELLY	You are a soul-less troll. I think it's romantic that two dinosaurs like Mom and Dad
	still care enough about each other to dance. Look at them. You can see how much they
	really love each other.

(WE SEE AL AND PEGGY DANCING)

PEGGY	Couldn't you even put on deodorant, you pig?

AL	You didn't use quite enough hair spray tonight, Peg. I can still smell your breath.

(HE DIPS HER. THEY DANCE PAST THE KIDS)

BUD	Hey, Kell, watch me have some fun with this waiter.

(BUD TAKES A SIP OF WATER AND PUTS HIS GLASS DOWN. THE WAITER INSTANTLY REFILLS IT. BUD SIPS
AGAIN AND GETS A REFILL. THEY GIGGLE. AS BUD REACHES FOR HIS WATER GLASS AGAIN THE WAITER
STOPS HIM)

WAITER1	Excuse me, young people. How would you like me to kill you?

BUD	That will be all.

(THEY SIT WELL-BEHAVED. THE WAITER LEAVES. WE GO BACK TO PEGGY AND AL ON THE DANCE FLOOR)

MUSIC CUE: "MOON RIVER"

PEGGY	(SINGING SOFTLY TO AL. SHE SLOWLY BUILDS IN VOLUME) TWO DRIFTERS, OFF TO SEE THE WORLD.
	THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF WORLD TO SEE. WE'RE AFTER THE SAME RAINBOW'S END. WAITIN' ROUND
	THE BEND. (LOUD AND UNAWARE) MY HUCKLEBERRY FRIEND MOON RIVER AND ME.

(EVERYONE IS STARING AT THEM. PEGGY STOPS, EMBARRASSED. AN OLD MAN WITH HIS ELDERLY WIFE TSKS
DISAPPROVAL)

AL	Yeah, I know. But at least she's not a hundred.

PEGGY	Thanks, Al.

AL	Hey, you're my woman.

(THEY CROSS BACK TO THE TABLE. THE FOOD HAS JUST ARRIVED)

PEGGY	Gee, Al, everything looks so great.

(THE KIDS ARE LICKING THEIR CHOPS AND ARE READY TO DIG IN)

AL	Kids, we're not at home. This is a special evening and a special meal. I think we 
	should show our thanks and say Grace.

(THEY BOW THEIR HEADS)

BUD	(V.O.) Look at that steak. I think I'm getting sexually excited.

KELLY	(V.O.) I knew you were supposed to cook a potato. I knew it, I knew it.

PEGGY	(V.O.) This food could be trouble. They're all going to like it and then they're
	going to look at me.

(THEY LOOK AT PEGGY. THEN GO BACK TO GRACE)

AL	(V.O.) And Lord, I'd just like to say... other people get to eat like this all the
	time. Animals at the zoo eat better than me. And more often, I might add. Don't I rate
	as much as a jackal gets? Oh, well, thanks for listening. Your friend, Al.

(THEY RAISE THEIR HEADS)

AL	Amen. Let's eat!

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT MONTAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

(THE BUNDYS HAVE THEIR NAPKINS TIED AROUND THEIR NECKS AND EAT WITH THEIR HANDS. THEY SNORT THE
FOOD LIKE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS. THEY MAKE GRUNTING SOUNDS A LA "QUEST FOR FIRE")

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

(AL GRUNTS AND GESTURES TO BUD WHO UNDERSTANDS AND TOSSES HIM A ROLL. AL RIPS THE ROLL OPEN
AND PUTS HIS STEAK ON IT)

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

(AL AND PEGGY INTERTWINE ARMS. PEGGY FEEDS HIM STEAK. AL REROUTES HIS FORK PAST HER OPEN
MOUTH AND FEEDS HIMSELF MORE STEAK)

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

(BUD SLATHERS HIS STEAK WITH KETCHUP)

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

(KELLY LICKS HER PLATE)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - A WHILE LATER

(THE MEAL IS OVER. THERE IS AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN AN ICE BUCKET. THE REMAINS OF
DESSERT IS ALL OVER THE TABLE. THE FAMILY IS REELING FROM ALL THE FOOD. KELLY IS SLUMPED BACK
IN HER CHAIR, FULL AND HAPPY)

AL	Whoaa, yeoww, urp. That was eatin'. There's only one way to top a meal like this.

BUD	A cigar?

AL	No. (GESTURES TO PAUL) Oh, waiter, do you have a newspaper?

PAUL	Right away, Sir.

(HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS AND A BUSBOY APPEARS WITH A NEWSPAPER. AL GETS UP, STICKS THE PAPER
UNDER HIS ARM AND SAUNTERS OFF)

AL	(SINGS) Waitin' round the bend...

(HE HUMS OFF)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - LATER

(THE FAMILY IS AT THE TABLE. THE TABLE HAS BEEN CLEANED EXCEPT FOR WATER GLASSES AND ONE CUP
OF COFFEE)

PEGGY	(DIGGING IN HER TEETH WITH A TOOTHPICK) I feel like the Queen of England.

(SHE SPITS A BIT OF FOOD ON THE FLOOR, THEN)

PEGGY	Al, are you sure we have enough money for this meal?

AL	Yes, Peg. That's why I only ordered myself a coffee. I added it all up and it comes
	to two twenty-five fifty-seven. And that includes tax, which I know about because I'm
	in the business world. (COOLLY TO PAUL) Oh, garkarooni. Check please.

(PAUL PRESENTS THE CHECK WITH A FLOURISH AND MOVES OFF. PEG LOOKS NERVOUS)

PEGGY	How much is it, Al?

AL	(READS CHECK COCKILY) Two twenty-five fifty-seven!

(AL LAUGHS, THE FAMILY LOOKS HAPPY. AL COCKILY REACHES INTO HIS RIGHT PANTS POCKET FOR HIS
WALLET. IT'S NOT THERE. AL LAUGHS AND COCKILY REACHES INTO HIS LEFT PANTS POCKET. IT'S NOT
THERE. HE LAUGHS AND REACHES INTO HIS JACKET BREAST POCKET. NO WALLET)

AL	Heh heh. I forgot my wallet.

(KELLY AND BUD AD-LIB DISAPPOINTMENT WITH AL, LIKE, "WHAT A LOSER" AND "PINHEAD")

PEGGY	Come on, kids. Give daddy a chance. (TO AL) What are you gonna do, idiot?

(AL NERVOUSLY TAKES A SIP OF WATER. A WAITER INSTANTLY REFILLS IT)

AL	Okay, let's not panic. Let's see how much we've got. Peg?

PEGGY	Ten bucks.

AL	Bud.

BUD	Seventy-five cents, Dad.

AL	Kelly?

KELLY	What?

AL	(BEAT) Good girl. We've got ten seventy-five. Another couple hundred and we're there.
	There's got to be a way we can do this and still maintain an air of dignity.

KELLY	You want me to throw a fit on the floor like I do at Denny's?

AL	No, that was for three ninety-five. For two hundred and twenty-five they let you
	swallow your tongue before they call an aumbulance. What are we gonna do, Peg?

PEGGY	Well, it's too late for an annulment. Kids, take the keys, get Daddy's wallet, scratch
	his name off the mailbox, and come back with the money.

(AL GIVES KELLY THE KEYS)

AL	And Kelly...

KELLY	I know. I'll be careful.

AL	I don't care about that. Just don't change my radio stations.

(THE KIDS EXIT AS PAUL RETURNS)

PAUL	Would you like me to take your check now?

AL	Not quite now. We're letting the meal settle. We'll have some... uh... water, please.
	Can't ever have enough water. Nature's fruit juice, you know.

(PAUL LEAVES)

PEGGY	How long do you think it'll take the kids?

AL	(TAKES OUT WATCH -- TAPS FINGERS) Well, let's see, it took us about forty minutes to
	get here one way... the way Kelly drives, they should be there and back in eight
	minutes.

(HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT - A BIT LATER

(KELLY AND BUD HEAD FOR FRONT DOOR)

BUD	Got it, Kell?

KELLY	(HOLDS UP WALLET) Got it.

(KELLY PUTS HER HAND ON THE DOORKNOB AND STOPS)

BUD	Uh oh, confused again. Let me help. Turn the knob and then open the door.

KELLY	No, young weenie. You know what just dawned on me?

BUD	That two plus two equals four?

KELLY	Hey, when I'm not in school I don't want to think about it, okay? (LOOKING AT WALLET)
	I was just thinking that Mom and Dad already got a great meal out of this money. I
	mean they're not gonna enjoy it any more by paying for it. And now we can enjoy this
	money. It's not too late for Tears and Vomit.

BUD	Wait a minute, what about Mom and Dad?

KELLY	C'mon, Bud, who's better at beating a check than Mom and Dad. God, I mean you were
	nine before you even knew a movie theatre had a front door. C'mon, don't worry about
	them. Let's go.

BUD	You realize if we do this we might not be able to come home tonight.

KELLY	It won't be a first for me.

(BUD NODS IN AGREEMENT. THEY EXIT)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - LATER

AL	(STILL TAPPING THE TABLE) Well, Peg, it's been two and a half hours. It's safe to say
	they left us to die.

PEGGY	I can't believe the kids would do this to us.

AL	Oh, yeah. Like we wouldn't have done it to them.

(PAUL COMES OVER)

PAUL	More water?

AL	Yeah, yeah. Nature's fruit juice. Just pour it and go away.

(PAUL POURS AND EXITS. THE BAND RETURNS FROM A BREAK)

PEGGY	What are we gonna do, Al?

AL	(MIMICKING) What are we gonna do, Al? What are we gonna do, Al? (THEN) Yeah, the
	answers aren't that easy once you're out of the bedroom, are they? All right, I got
	another idea.

PEGGY	Boy, the ideas come to you pretty quick outside the bedroom, don't they?

AL	Just watch me operate.

(AL GETS UP AND WANDERS THROUGH THE TABLES HUMMING. HE NOTICES A MOUSEY LOOKING COUPLE AND
APPROACHES THEM)

AL	(MUTTERS) BillbyBobSammyJim, hey, you old son of a gun! Long time no see! 

(HE SHAKES THE GUY'S HAND)

AL	Gee, what's it been? Six, seven years? This must be the wife. How he talked about you.
	Look, this might not be a good time but remember that two hundred twenty-five
	fifty-seven you owe me? I was going to let it slide. But that ruins friendships,
	doesn't it?

WOMAN	Oh, Harold.

HAROLD	To tell you the truth, I'm a little low.

AL	Hey, whatever you can spare. Five, ten bucks. What's a little money between friends.
	Send me the rest.

HAROLD	(HANDS AL MONEY) I can give you twenty.

AL	Great!

HAROLD	Hey, it's really good to see you.

AL	(BRUSHING HIM OFF) Yeah, right.

(AL SEES ANOTHER GUY)

AL	Hey, JoeJeffBob, you old toe picker...

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE SEVEN

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

(AL RETURNS TO PEGGY AT THE TABLE)

PEGGY	How'd you do?

AL	Well, I was up to seventy-five dollars. But then I bumped into someone I really knew.
	He saw me with money and I had to give him the fifty I owe him. Piker. He didn't even
	remember my name.

(PAUL COMES OVER)

PAUL	Sir, it's been three hours and we really need this table. We've got some nice water
	for you to take home. Pay us.

AL	Oh, it skipped my mind. I thought I paid you. Didn't I pay you?

(PAUL SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO")

AL	Oh, well... how about giving me a newspaper?

PAUL	I'll be right back with the manager, Sir.

(HE MOVES OFF)

PEGGY	Is it okay if I panic now, Al?

AL	Yeah. Now would be a good time, Peg.

PEGGY	What do you think they'll do to us?

AL	Well, this is a pretty classy place. So I guess they'll just beat the hell out of me
	and toss me in a dumpster. But you, I guess all you'll have to do is wash dishes.

PEGGY	Dishes? Me? No way. I'm taking charge here. Give me your shoes.

AL	What are you talking about?

PEGGY	Gimme the shoes, now!

(AS AL TAKES OFF HIS SHOES PAUL AND THE MAITRE D' APPROACH THE TABLE)

PAUL	If you can't pay perhaps you'd like to discuss it with the... (HE SNIFFS AND FROWNS)
	What's that?

PEGGY	(HOLDING UP AL'S SHOE WITH THE INSIDES FACING OUT) This!

(PAUL AND THE MAITRE D' GASP AND RECOIL)

PEGGY	Okay, everybody back! We're busting out of here. I want to see hands, people. Nobody
	be a hero.

PHOTO G	Oh my God. She's got a shoe.

PEGGY	Nobody gets close, nobody gets sick.

(A MAN TRIES TO SNEAK UP BEHIND PEGGY. SHE WHIRLS AND HOLDS THE SHOE ON HIM. HE RAISES HIS
HANDS AND BACKS AWAY FRIGHTENED)

PEGGY	I don't want to see anybody try that again. Al, get up.

(AL JOINS HER AND THEY START TO BACK OUT)

AL	Wait a second, Peg.

(AL TAKES SOME NAPKINS AND STARTS LOADING THEM WITH PEOPLE'S FOOD. HE HOLDS THE NAPKIN OUT TO
ONE OF THE PATRONS WHO STARTS TO TAKE OFF HIS WATCH)

AL	I don't want your watch, damnit, give me your shrimp. All of it!

(AL MOVES TO ANOTHER TABLE AS PEG COVERS HIM. A GUY NEXT TO AL STARTS TO REACH FOR THE PHONE)

PEGGY	Al, your back!

(SHE TOSSES HIM A SHOE AND HE HOLDS IT ON THE GUY. THE GUY RECOILS FROM THE PHONE)

PEGGY	Got the loot, Al?

AL	Just one thing more.

(HE TAKES THE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS)

AL	Let's get out of here.

(AS THEY BACK OUT OF THE ROOM PEG NOTICES THE QUIVERING BANDLEADER)

PEGGY	Play some happy music.

(THE BAND NERVOUSLY STRIKES UP)

MUSIC CUE: "TIE A YELLOW RIBBON" MUSIC

(THEY ARE ALMOST OUT THE DOOR)

PEGGY	I had a nice time tonight, honey.

AL	Yeah, it was kinda nice being out for a change.

(THEY KISS)

AL	Ready to make a run for the fire escape?

PEGGY	You betcha.

(PEGGY AND AL BACK OUT. PEOPLE START TO GET UP BUT PEGGY RETURNS HOLDING A SOCK)

PEGGY	And don't try to follow us.

(SHE VERY DELIBERATELY PLACES THE SOCK IN THE DOORWAY AND EXITS. AS THE BAND PLAYS ON)

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO



Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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