Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy

Guest Cast

Graham Jarvis...........Lance 
Jim Maniaci.............Jim 
Kay Wolf................Amber 
Therese Kablan..........Crystal 
Henry G. Sanders........Murray 



ACT ONE
 
SCENE ONE

THE BUNDY LIVING ROOM.
AL ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE
PEGGY FOLLOWS HIM, ALSO WEARING A ROBE, SMOKING

PEGGY  You were great, Al.

AL     Leave me alone.

THEY SIT ON THE COUCH

PEGGY  Oh c'mon, Al. I really believe if you'd practice once in a while, you could
       actually get good at sex. And honey, you don't have to hit your head.

AL     That's the one part I enjoy, Peg. Keeps my mind off what the rest of my body is
       going through.

PEGGY  Yeah, well, take it from me, it's not going through much.

AL     Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?

(HE TURNS ON THE TV)

TV     And that's it for Monday Night Football.

(HE TURNS OFF THE TV)
(HE LOOKS AT PEGGY)

AL     It isn't Tuesday, Peg. (SHE HANGS HER HEAD) You've done a bad thing. You must be
       punished. 

PEGGY  Oh, Al. I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night.

AL     Pretty brazen when you're all satisfied, aren't you?

PEGGY  Just because I scream does not mean I'm satisfied. I was screaming because my
       hair was caught in your watch. I didn't wake you, did I?

AL     You haven't yet.

PEGGY KISSES AL ON THE CHEEK. SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS. AL OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE

AL     I just had sex, Steve. What do you want?

STEVE  Look, I think I'm in trouble, Al. I need help. I was out walking alone.
       I couldn't face being around people, so I came here. Al, just let me start at
       the beginning. I went to work today. Feeling good. Feeling spry. The bank was
       crowded so I sent a teller on a break. I was on top of the world. Then I found
       this on my desk.

STEVE HANDS AL A PIECE OF NEWSPAPER

AL     (READING) "Tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine." Well, it happens. Get on with
       the rest of your life, Steve.

STEVE  Turn it over, Al.

AL TURNS THE PAPER OVER AND READS IT

AL     Oh, "Monoxodyl: Hope for the hairless."

STEVE  You know what this is? This is the stuff they give guys who are... (MUMBLES)
      ... Going bald.
      
AL     Huh?

STEVE  Going bald! Why would someone give that to me?

AL     Well, I don't know, let me see your head.

STEVE TURNS AND SHOWS AL THE BACK OF HIS HEAD

AL     Ahh.

STEVE  What, do you see something?

AL     My reflection.

STEVE  Then-then it's true. It's starting.

AL     That's like saying Bette Davis is just starting.

STEVE  You mean you saw this and didn't tell me?

AL     I saw it and didn't care.

STEVE  You're awfully cavalier about this, y'know. Old Man Time's been doing a little
       mowing on your head, too.

AL     I know.

STEVE  What do you mean you know?

AL     Sure. You've seen my wife, my house, my kids. I'm lucky my hands haven't fallen
       off!

STEVE  How can you accept this? If all our hair falls off, our, our, our wives won't
       want us anymore.

AL     (ENCOURAGINGLY) Well, there you go! Look on the bright side.

STEVE  I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? 
What 
       if she leaves me? Who'll have me? Have you ever seen bald guy flirt? It's 
pathetic. 

AL     C'mon, Steve. There's plenty of popular bald guys out there.

STEVE  Name one.

AL     Mussolini. Kruchev. Lex Luther.

STEVE  You forgot the Elephant Man.

AL     (AGREEING) The Elephant man.

STEVE  Cool guys, one and all, Al. How am I going to hide this from Marcy? She's bound
       to look at my head sooner or later.

AL     Draw her attention away from it. Paint a picture on your bald spot, learn to
       throw your voice.

STEVE  Sure, joke if you will, but I love my hair. Al, my mother saved the curls from
       my first haircut. Where are they now then I need them? Well, I will tell you
       this: I will fight this with every follicle of my being.

AL     You bend over, you can signal the troops.

STEVE EXITS


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO  

The shoe store.

AL IS BUSYING HIMSELF. TWO PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN ENTER. AL HAS HIS BACK TO THEM. 
HE SNIFFS THE AIR
 
AL     A Sea breeze. [HE TURNS AND SEES THEM] Hello. Well, I see you're not fat and don't
       have an attitude, so you can't be looking for me. But how can I help you?

CRYSTL We just came in to see if we could get some change. So many places have a rule
       that you have to buy something.

AL     Well, that's just for the homely.

SHE HOLDS OUT A DOLLAR. HE TAKES IT

CRYSTL Say, didn't you used to play football for the Bears?

AL     (MODESTLY) Me? Well... yeah!

CRYSTL I knew it. You just have those rugged good looks of an athlete in his prime.

AL     Yeah. Ah, never goes away, does it? If it wasn't for this darn bum knee, I'd
       still be on those Wheaties boxes like you remember me. Well, let me get you your
       change.
       (AL DOES AN EXAGGERATED LIMP TO THE REGISTER) Damn this leg.

AMBER  You've seen that guy play football?

AL OVERHEARS THE FOLLOWING

CRYSTL No. I've just got a soft spot in my heart for guys who are losing their hair.

AMBER  Would you ever sleep with a bald guy?

CRYSTL Oh, God, no.

AL CLEARS HIS THROAT BEHIND THEM. THEY TURN. HE GIVES CRYSTAL HER CHANGE

AL     Here you go.

CRYSTL Thanks, handsome.

AL     Yeah. Right.

THEY EXIT. AL GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS AT HIS HEAD IN THE MIRROR.
STEVE ENTERS

STEVE  (INDICATES WITH THUMB) Mecca is that way, Al.

AL     Hey, how you doin', Steve?

STEVE  Oh, better than last night. I just ran into two girls who thought I was a
       football player. Anyhow, I came down to get some Monoxodyl, but you need a
       prescription. All I could get over the counter was this stuff: Dr. Fur.
       (STEVE'S WATCH ALARM GOES OFF) Time to feed and seed.
       (HE RUBS ON DR. FUR) Oooh, I can feel it working.

AL     It smells like dog food.

STEVE  If I thought it would grow hair, I'd put your socks on my head. You want some?

AL     No.

WE SEE CRYSTAL AND AMBER WALK BY ON THE ARM OF A GUY WITH LONG, GOOD HAIR. 
BEAT, THEN AL LOWERS HIS HEAD. STEVE POURS SOME ON


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

AL    (IN HIS SLEEP) Get away from me, Peg. It's not Tuesday.

PEGGY ENTERS, SNIFFING AT THE AIR

PEGGY  Al, get up. (AL WAKES UP) Something smells. I think Buck threw up in the house,
       but I can't find it. Well, it'll turn up or it won't.

AL     I wish you took that attitude on our sex nights. Oh, I'll go finish my nap
       upstairs.
      
HE GOES UPSTAIRS. BUCK FOLLOWS HIM

AL     (TO BUCK) Get away from me. Leave me alone.

HE EXITS
THE DOORBELL RINGS

AL     Get off of me!

PEGGY GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT TO MARCY

PEGGY  Oh hi, Marce.

MARCY  Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we
       had sex and he wore a sombrero.

PEGGY  Ooh. The ribbed kind?

MARCY  On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.

PEGGY  Oh well, you gotta put your foot down. If I didn't, Al would still be wearing
       the Walkman.

MARCY  That's not all. Steve insists we turn the light off when we make love.

PEGGY  Well, that was one of the few rules Al and I both agreed to.

MARCY  Peggy, I'm really worried. Usually on Monday nights, Steve and I go see an art
       film. Instead, he took me to an Elmer Fudd retrospective. And all Steve kept
       saving was, "Isn't he sexy?" You think he's having an affair?

PEGGY  Oh, don't worry, Marce. Strange behavior in men doesn't necessarily mean
       anything. The smallest things upset them. Their favorite team loses, the car 
       doesn't start, you lose your cigarette in his pudding...

MARCY  Well, I'm telling you, Steve is having something on his mind.

PEGGY  So what are you supposed to do about it? Care? (LAUGHS) C'mon. He's got a mother. 
       She broke him, let her fix him. We have enough trouble keeping ourselves happy in 
       a marriage. Come on, let's shopping and really give them something to worry
       about.

THE GIRLS EXIT. BUCK RUNS DOWNSTAIRS. HE HAS THE BOTTLE OF DR. FUR IN HIS MOUTH. 
AL HURRIES AFTER HIM

AL     Bring my Dr. Fur back. Bring that Dr. Fur back here.

BUCK EXITS OUT THE DOG DOOR. AL REACTS
STEVE IS SEEN JUMPING OVER THE BACK FENCE. WE HEAR DOGS BARKING. HE ENTERS THROUGH SLIDING GLASS DOOR.

STEVE  Damn dogs followed me home. Al, I've got some bad news. "Dr. Fur" has been 
       recalled. They determined it to be one hundred percent dog food.

AL     Oh Steve, I paid twenty bucks for that stuff.

STEVE  So, you got talken. But this stuff is the real thing.

AL     (READING) Insta-hair?

STEVE  You betcha. You use this slime twice a day, and in two weeks, (POINTS TO HEAD)
       Sasquatch city.
       (AL REACHES FOR THE INSTA-HAIR) Not so fast, Al. This may not work on you. The
       doctor I got it from in the bar wouldn't sell it to me until he tested me first.
       Sit down.

AL SITS ON' THE CHAIR

AL     Yeah. Did he happen to grab ya and tell you to cough?

STEVE  Do you want to know if you're an Insta-hair candidate or not?

AL     (SIGHS) Ah, go ahead. Gimme the test.

STEVE LIGHTS A MATCH AND BLOWS IT OUT WHICH AL DOES NOT SEE

STEVE  You ready?

AL     Yeah.

STEVE  Here we go.

STEVE TOUCHES THE MATCH HEAD TO AL'S SCALP

AL     Ow!

STEVE  Good! Good! My head burned, too.

AL     Good. Just hang on, a second Steve. (he gets a baseball bat from the laundry) 
       I have a little test for you, Steve!!

STEVE  Don't you see, Al? Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that better
       than anyone. Your follicles are alive. (STEVE GIVES HIM A BOTTLE AND TAKES ONE
       FOR HIMSELF) Bottoms up, Al.

AL DRINKS A DEEP SLUG FROM THE BOTTLE. HE REACTS

STEVE  Uh, Al. You're not supposed to drink it. It goes on your head.

AL     Well what the Hell did vou say "Bottoms up" for!??

STEVE  Don't worry. Let me check something. (HE READS THE LABEL, THEN) Can you still
       see me?

AL     Yeah.

STEVE  Then you're one of the five percent. Splash some on your head.

(THEY EACH RUB THEIR HEADS HAPPILY)

AL     I'm gonna part mine. What are you gonna do with yours?

STEVE  I'm gonna grow mine wild like a lion' s mane.

AL     You know if we don't grow hair I'm gonna kill you.

STEVE  If we don't grow hair, you won't have to. I'll kill myself.

(THEY RUB)


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE 

AL AND STEVE ARE STILL RUBBING THEIR HEADS.
KELLY AND BUD ENTER AND STARE AT THEM.

BUD    Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?

AL     We're growing hair, Bud.

BUD    They're growing hair, Kel.

KELLY  Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em anyway?

BUD    Yeah, Dad. I mean, look around you. If hair got you all this, let it go.

STEVE  Let him laugh, Al. In ten years his head will be as barren as your lawn.

BUD    What do you mean?

STEVE  Well, Bud, hair is hereditary. So is hair loss.

KELLY  So you mean by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out? 
       Oh, Bud. (SHE HUGS HIM) My poor sexless, hairless brother! I'm so happy for you.

BUD    Dad! What did you have me for, biological experiment? I mean, I was just getting
       used to being poor and now this.

KELLY  Easy, Bud. Stress causes baldness. Who cares if you are bald, you can
       always make money selling flowers at airports. I'll lend you one of my dresses.

BUD    Yeah. Give me the one that says "Put 'em here, boys."

KELLY  You know, it's gonna be so much fun at school tomorrow with all the kids running
       around chanting 'Bud, Bud, head like a spud'.

KELLY GO UPSTAIRS

BUD    Dad, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna lose just a little like you, or am I gonna
       be like Mr. Rhoades?

STEVE MASSAGES MORE FURIOUSLY

AL     Bud, sit down. (BUD SITS)
       I hope when you will become a man, hair won't be important. That a man won't be
       judged by what he looks on the outside, but who he is on the inside. But that's
       not gonna happen, so here you go.

HE GIVES BUD THE BOTTLE. THE THREE GUYS RUB AWAY.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

KELLY IS ON THE COUCH, BRUSHING BUCK. PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS
        
PEGGY  Oh hi, Kelly. Sorry I didn't make you breakfast. I was busy prying off the
       pillow that was stuck to Daddy's head.

KELLY  He's not growing any hair, is he?

PEGGY  No, but a few hundred came off with the pillow.

KELLY  Y'know, it's amazing. I mean, I saw pictures of Dad when he was young. He stood
       upright. And he had hair. Now look at him. How's a woman to know?

PEGGY  You can't honey. Basically, it's a crap shoot.
  
AL     [O.S.] Peg. Did you throw out those hairs that I had sitting on the counter?

PEGGY  Sometimes you come up craps.

PEGGY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS. KELLY SEES HIM. 
SHE HOLDS A CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR IN HER HAND

KELLY  Uhm, Bud. Sit down. I want to talk to you.

BUD    Look, Kel. I don't think we have much to talk about. I mean, after you painted
       my face on Dad's bowling ball and left it outside my door.

KELLY  I was cruel, and I want to apologize. See, you're not losing your hair. Look.
       (SHE PALMS BUD'S HAIR AND BRINGS OUT THE CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR AND SHOWS HIM)
       Uhhh, Oops.

(SHE LETS IT FALL FROM HER FINGERS. HE REACTS WITH HORROR AND RUSHES UPSTAIRS)

BUD    Dad! It's starting!
      
BUD EXITS

KELLY  You don't mind that I'm playing with Bud, do you?

PEGGY  No. That's why we had him. Come on, we'll talk about it on the way to the store.
       I've got to pick up some "Dr. Fur" for Buck. It's the only thing he'll eat. His
       coat looks good, too.
      
THEY EXIT, CROSSING STEVE, WHO IS WEARING A FEDORA

PEGGY  Oh hi, Steve.

STEVE  Ladies. Is Al home?

PEGGY  Yeah, he's upstairs. Gee, you look good in a hat, Steve.

THEY LAUGH AS THEY EXIT. STEVE LOOKS. 
AL COMES DOWNSTAIRS.

AL     Oh. Hey, Steve. Stupid hat. Let me see your head.
       (STEVE SHOWS HIM) It's a graveyard. Me?
      
HE SHOWS STEVE HIS HEAD

STEVE  A ghost town.

AL     We have to face it, Steve. This stuff isn't working. Tastes good, but it doesn't
       work. And we have to learn to live with it. These are our heads.

STEVE  Al, I can't bear this burden alone. Listen, I've heard there's help available
       for guys like us, but I need to borrow your shoe store.

AL     For what?

FLIP TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

WE SEE THAT CHAIRS HAVE BEEN ARRANGED FOR A MEETING AND SITTING IN THEM ARE ABOUT A DOZEN 
BALD MEN. A SIGN, COMPLETE WITH THE LOGO OF A BALD EAGLE, IS HUNG BEHIND A MAKESHIFT PODIUM. 
MURRAY, THE HEAD BALD GUY, STEPS TO THE PODIUM AND BANGS TO CALL THE MEETING TO ORDER.

MURRAY Hi, I'm Murray. And I'm bald.

GUYS   Hi, Murray!

MURRAY Hi guys. We will now bring this meeting of Bald American Dudes to order. 
       Will you please bring in our newest brothers, Brother Al and Brother Steve.

THEY BRING IN STEVE AND AL, BOTH WEARING BLINDFOLDS. THEN THE PATCHES ARE REMOVED.

AL     I don't like this. It's like the day I got married.

GUYS   Hi Steve. Hi Al.

AL     (LOOKING AROUND, THEN TO LANCE) Can I please have my blind fold back?

MURRAY Right now, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Brother Lance.

LANCE APPROACHES THE PODIUM, THE OTHERS APPLAUD HIM

LANCE  Hi. I'm Lance and I'm bald.

AL     No kidding.

LANCE  I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note. Brother Herbert went to
       Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat. A hairy child put a reflector by his head 
       as he dozed, and well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous head in
       the bowling ball cleaner routine again.
       (THEY ALL MOAN SADLY. AL LAUGHS)
       So I'd like to bring up a motion to send him the traditional arrangement of
       balloons with ears, so he'll think of us. All in favor?

ALL    Bald.

LANCE  Opposed?

JIM    Hair.

LANCE  Motion carries. Which brings me to our thought for tonight. "Hair. How can we
       stop it?" Now, I admit, that at one time, man might have needed hair. Like in
       prehistoric times when very large birds flew overhead and hats hadn't been
       invented. But times have changed. The point is the bald are more evolved, more
       intelligent and more sophisticated. So next time a hairy child comes up and
       says, "Hey, let me rub your head for luck," you just tell that child, "That's 
       not what your mother rubbed."
       So, let's share. Who among us shall be first?
       (STEVE RAISES HIS HAND) Brother Steve.

STEVE STANDS UP

STEVE  I'm Steve and I've been cancealing my... problem...

GUYS   Say it.

LANCE  Say it. Say it.

STEVE  (JUST MANAGING TO SQUEEZE OUT THE WORDS) My baldness... from my wife. I was
       ashamed.

THE BALD MAN NEXT TO AL IS TEARING UP. AL REACTS

STEVE  But you have given me the strength to be proud of my hairline, no matter 
       where it may wander across my head. You're the greatest. I love you guys.

THEY APPLAUD. STEVE SITS DOWN

LANCE  Good, Brother Steve. Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women
       have, that bald men are sexier, more virile, and aerodynamic. Let's face it. It
       doesn't get better than bald. Remember, a bald head says good in bed.
       (THEY ALL CHEER)
       All right, all right! Brother Al. Have you been moved to share?

AL     Yeah, sure, I'll share. Let me share this little tidbit with you. You guys 
       are nuts. Attractive, virile, sexy? Women want ya? For what? To check their
       make-up? But you human flashlights have really helped me. When I came here
       tonight, I thought I was bald. But looking at you 'guys, I realize two things.
       One, I really miss shooting pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You
       guys are bald. Really bald. One hundred watt, soft-white bald. Let me say one
       more thing. If and when I do lose my hair, I still won't be sitting here with
       you. Cause I've got something at home that doesn't care what I look like. That 
       accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I need it. My couch.

HE SWAGGERS OUT.



ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

THE SHOE STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT

STEVE SITS ALONE. MARCY ENTERS

MARCY  Steve? Al told me I'd find you here. What's wrong?

STEVE  I was just sitting here trying to decide how to tell you something terrible.

MARCY  What is it, Steve?

STEVE  I'm going bald.

MARCY  And?

STEVE  That's it. That's the news.

MARCY  Honey, I've known that since the day you got on your knees to propose.

STEVE  Then you still think I'm attractive?

MARCY  Oh, Steve. Of course I do. Anybody would.

THEY HUG

STEVE  Well, somebody doesn't. Look what somebody put on my desk. 

HE TAKES OUT THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING

MARCY  I put that there.

STEVE  Why?

MARCY  'Cause it was your turn to shop and tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine is a
        great deal.

STEVE REACTS.



 THE END




Thanks to Andreas Carl of Bundyology.