Cast:

Al Bundy: Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy: Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades: David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades: Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy: Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy: David Faustino
Buck, the Dog: Mike, the Dog.

Lance: Graham Jarvis
Murray: Henry G. Sanders
Jim: Jim Maniaci
Crystal: Therese Kablan
Amber: Kay Wolf
Announcer (O.S.)



ACT ONE
SCENE ONE (Peggy, Al, Steve, Announcer (V.O.))
FADE IN:
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING

(A BEAT, THEN AL ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE.
HE IS FOLLOWED BY PEGGY, ALSO WEARING A ROBE AND SMOKING)

PEGGY
You were great, Al.

AL
Leave me alone.

(THEY SIT ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY
C'mon, Al. I really really believe if you'd practice once in a while, you could 
actually get good at sex. Honey, you don't have to hit your head.

AL
That's the one part I enjoy, Peg. It takes my mind off what the rest of my body 
is going through.

PEGGY
Take it from me, it's not going through much.

AL
Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?

(HE TURNS ON THE TV)
SFX: TV ON

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
And that's it for Monday Night Football.

(HE TURNS OFF THE TV)
SFX: TV OFF
(HE LOOKS AT PEGGY)

AL
This isn't Tuesday, Peg.
(SHE HANGS HER HEAD)
You've done a bad thing. You must be punished. From now on, when we have sex, it 
has to be between two consenting adults.

PEGGY
Oh, Al. I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night.

AL
Pretty brazen when you're all satisfied, aren't you?

PEGGY
Just because I scream doesn't mean I'm satisfied. I only screamed because my hair 
was caught in your watch. I didn't wake you, did I?

AL
You haven't yet.

(THEY KISS. SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS
SFX: DOORBELL
AL OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE)

AL
I just had sex, Steve. What do you want?

STEVE
I'm in trouble, Al. I need help. I was out walking alone. I couldn't face being 
around people, so I came here. Al, let me start at the beginning. I went to work 
this morning. Feeling good. Feeling spry. The bank was crowded so I sent a teller 
on a break. I was on top of the world. Then I found this on my desk.

(STEVE HANDS AL A PIECE OF NEWSPAPER)

AL
(READING)
"Tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine." Well, it happens. Get on with your life, 
Steve.

STEVE
Turn it over, Al.

(AL TURNS THE PAPER OVER)

AL
(READING)
"Monoxodyl: Hope for the hairless"

STEVE
Do you know what this is? It's the stuff they give to men who are...
(NUMBLES)
... going bald.
(BREAKS DOWN)

AL
Huh?

STEVE 
... going bald! Why would someone give this to me?

AL
Well, let me see your head.

(STEVE TURNS AND SHOWS AL THE BACK OF HIS HEAD)

STEVE
Do you see anything, Al?

AL
My reflection.

STEVE
Then it's true. It's starting.

AL
That's like saying Bette Davis is just starting.

STEVE
You saw this and didn't tell me?

AL
I saw it and didn't care.

STEVE
What am I going to do, Al?

AL
Go bald.

STEVE
You're awfully cavalier about this, y'know. Old Man Time has been doing a little 
mowing on your head, too.

AL
I know.

STEVE
You know?

AL
Sure. You've seen my wife, my kids, my house. I'm lucky my hands haven't fallen 
off.

STEVE
How can you accept this? If all our hair falls out, our wives won't want us 
anymore.

AL
(ENCOURAGING)
There you go. Look on the bright side.

STEVE
I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I 
going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll habe me? A bald banker. Did 
you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a 
singles bar, with a sign that says "Please"?

AL
C'mon, Steve. There's lots of popular bald guys.

STEVE
Name one.

AL
Fred Mertz. Kruchev. Gallagher.

STEVE
You forgot the Elephant Man.

AL
(AGREEING)
Elephant man.

STEVE
Thanks for giving me some heroes, Al. Well, if you think of any others, y'know, 
like Bozo the Clown, I'll be waiting on the ledge of the Sears Tower.

AL
Steve, you can't do that. I've been up there and they have guardrails.

STEVE
Then I'll just have to fight this thing with every follicle in my being. How am 
I going to hide this from Marcy?

AL
Do what I do. Never turn your back on a woman. It's something I'd recommend even 
if you had hair like Rapunzel.

STEVE
I gotta get some friends.

(STEVE EXITS)


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE TWO (Al, Crystal, Amber, Steve)
INT. SHOE STORE - DAY

(AL IS BUISYING HIMSELF. TWO PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN ENTER. AL HAS HIS BACK TO THEM. 
HE SNIFFS THE AIR)

AL
A Sea breeze.
(HE TURNS AND SEES THEM)
Hello. I see you're not fat and don't have an attitude, so you're obviously not 
looking for me. What can I do for you?

CRYSTAL
We just came in to see if we could get some change. So many places have a rule 
that you have to buy something.

AL
That's just for the homely.

(SHE HOLDS OUT A DOLLAR. HE TAKES IT)

CRYSTAL
Say, didn't you used to play football for the Bears?

AL
(MODESTLY)
Me? Well... yeah.

CRYSTAL
I knew it. You just have those rugged good looks of an athlete in his prime.

AL
Yeah. It never goes away, does it? If it wasn't for this darn bum knee, I'd 
still be on those Wheaties boxes like you remember me. Well, let me get your 
change.
(AL DOES AN EXAGGERATED LIMP TO THE REGISTER)
Damn this leg.

(THE GIRLS LOOK AT SOME SHOES)

AMBER
You've seen that guy play football?

(AL OVERHEARS THE FOLLOWING)

CRYSTAL
No. I've got a soft spot in my heart for guys who are losing their hair.

AMBER
Would you ever sleep with a bald guy?

CRYSTAL
Oh, God, no.

(AL CLEARS HIS THROAT BEHIND THEM. THEY TURN. HE GIVES CRYSTAL HER CHANGE)

AL
Here you go.

CRYSTAL
Thanks, handsome.

AL
Yeah. Right.

(THEY EXIT. AL GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS AT HIS HEAD IN THE MIRROR. STEVE 
ENTERS)

STEVE
(INDICATES WITH THUMB)
Mecca's that way, Al.

AL
Hey, Steve. How you doin'?

STEVE
A little better than last night. I just ran into two girls who thought I was a 
football player. Anyhow, I came down to get some Monoxodyl, but you need a 
perscription. All I could get over the counter was this stuff: Dr. Fur.
(STEVE'S WATCH ALARM GOES OFF)
SFX: WATCH ALARM
Time to feed and seed.
(HE RUBS ON DR. FUR)
I can feel it working.

AL
It smells like dog food.

STEVE
If I thought it would grow hair, I'd put your socks on my head. You want some?

AL
No.

(WE SEE CRYSTAL AND AMBER WALK BY ON THE ARM OF A GUY WITH LONG, GOOD HAIR. 
BEAT, THEN AL LOWERS HIS HEAD. STEVE POURS SOME ON)


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE THREE (Al, Peggy, Marcy, Buck)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING

(AL IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. BUCK IS LICKING AL'S HEAD)

AL
(IN HIS SLEEP)
Go away, Peg. It's not Tuesday.

(PEGGY ENTERS, SNIFFING AT THE AIR)

PEGGY
Al, get up.
(AL WAKES UP)
Something smells. I think Buck threw up somewhere in the house, but I can't find 
it. Well, I guess it'll turn up or it won't.

AL
I wish you took that attitude on our sex nights. I'm going upstairs to finish my 
nap.
(HE GOES UPSTAIRS. BUCK FOLLOWS HIM)
(TO BUCK)
Go away. Leave me alone.

(HE EXITS)
SFX: DOORBELL

AL (CONT'D) (O.S.)
Get off me

(PEGGY GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT TO MARCY)

PEGGY
Hi, Marce.

MARCY
Oh, Peggy, I'r, so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night 
we had sex and he wore a sombrero.

PEGGY
Ooh. The ribbed kind?

MARCY
On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.

PEGGY
You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the 
Walkman.

MARCY
That's not all. Steve insists we turn the light off when we make love.

PEGGY
Well, that was one c-I the few rules Al and I both agreed to.

MARCY
I'm really worried. Usually on Monday nights, we go see an art film. Instead, 
Steve took me to an Elmer Fudd retrospective. And all Steve kept saving was, 
"Isn't he sexy?" You think he's having an affair?

PEGGY
Oh, don't worry. Strange behavior in men doesn't necessarily mean anvthing. The 
smallest things can upset them. Their favorite team loses, the car won't start, 
you lose your cigarette in his pudding.

MARCY
I'm telling you, Steve has something on his mind.

PEGGY
So what are you supposed to do? Care? C'mon. He's got a mother. She broke him, 
let her fix him. We have enough trouble in a marriage keeping ourselves happy. 
Let's shop and really give them something to worry about.

(THE GIRLS EXIT. BUCK RUNS DOWNSTAIRS. HE HAS THE BOTTLE OF DR. FUR IN HIS 
MOUTH. AL HURRIES AFTER HIM)

AL
Bring that back.

(BUCK EXITS OUT THE DOG DOOR. AL REACTS)
(STEVE ENTERS THROUGH SLIDING GLASS DOOR. WE HEAR DOGS BARKING)
SFX: DOGS BARKING

STEVE
Al, I've got some bad news. "Dr. Fur" has been recalled. They determined it to 
be one hundred percent dog food.

AL
Steve, I bought twenty bucks worth of that stuff.

STEVE
So, you got talken. But this stuff is the real thin

AL
Insta-hair?

STEVE
You betcha. You use this slime twice a day, and in two weeks, 
(POINTS TO HEAD)
Sasquatch city.
(AL REACHES FOR THE INSTA-HAIR)
Not so fast, Al. It may not work on you. The doctor I go-it from in the bar 
wouldn't sell it to me until he tested me first. Sit down.

(AL SITS ON' THE COUCH)

AL
Did this guy by any chance grab you and ask you to cough?

STEVE
Do you want to know if you're an Insta-hair candidate or not?

AL
(SIGHS)
Okay, Steve. Gimme the test.

(STEVE LIGHTS A MATCH AND BLOWS IT OUT)

STEVE
You ready?

AL
Yeah.

STEVE
Here we go.

(STEVE TOUCHES THE MATCH HEAD TO AL'S SCALP)

AL
Ow!

STEVE
Good! Good! My head burned, too.

AL
Great, Steve. Hang on, a second.
(HE GOES TO THE CLOSET AND GETS A BASEBALL BAT)
I have a little test for you, Steve.

STEVE
Don't you see, Al? Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that better 
than anybody. Your follicles are alive.
(STEVE GIVES HIM A BOTTLE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF)
Bottoms up, Al.

(AL DRINKS A DEEP SLUG FROM THE BOTTLE. HE REACTS)

STEVE (CONT'D)
Uh, Al. You're not supposed to drink it. It goes on your head.

AL
Then why the Hell did vou say "Bottoms up" for?

STEVE
Don't worry. Let me check something.
(HE READS THE LABEL, THEN)
Can you still see me?

AL
Yeah.

STEVE
Well, it says sometimes it takes a few days. Splash some on your head.

(THEY EACH RUB THEIR HEADS HAPPILY)

AL
Steve, I'm gonna part mine. What are you gonna do with yours?

STEVE
I'm gonna grow mine wild like a lion' s mane.

AL
You know if we don't grow hair I'm gonna kill you.

STEVE
If we don't grow hair, you won't have to.

(THEY RUB)

FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO
SCENE ONE (Al, Steve, Kelly, Bud)

FADE IN:
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER

(AL AND STEVE RUB ON. KELLY AND BUD ENTER. THEY WATCH FOR A BEAT)

BUD
Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?

AL
We're growing hair, Bud.

BUD
They're growing hair, Kell.

KELLY
Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em anyway?

BUD
Yeah. Look around you, Dad. If hair got you all this, let it go.

STEVE
Let him laugh, Al. In ten years his head will be as barren as your lawn.

BUD
What do you mean?

STEVE
Well, Bud, hair is hereditary. So is hair loss.

KELLY
(JOYOUS)
You mean by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out? Oh, Bud. 
My poor sexless, hairless brother. I'm so happy for you.

BUD
Oh, Dad. Why did you have me? For a biological experiment? I was just getting 
used to being poor and now this.

KELLY
Easy, Bud. Stress causes baldness. Relax. And remember, you can always make 
money selling flowers at airports. I'll lend vou one of my dresses.

BUD
Yeah. Give me the one that says "Put 'em here, boys."
(KELLY BRUSHES S0ME IMAGINARY HAIR OFF BUD'S SHOULDER, AND EXITS)

BUD (CONT'D)
Dad, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna lose just a little like you, or am I gonna 
be like Mr. Rhoades?

(STEVE MASSAGES MORE FURIOUSLY)

AL
Bud, sit down.
(BUD SITS)
I hope that by the time you're a man, hair isn't important. That a man isn't 
judged by how he looks on the outside, but who he is on the inside.
(BEAT)
That's not gonna happen, so here you go.

(HE GIVES BUD THE BOTTLE. THE THREE GUYS RUB AWAY)


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE TWO (Kelly, Peggy, Al, Bud, Steve)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY 

(KELLY IS ON THE COUCH, BRUSHING BUCK. PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS)

PEGGY
Hi, Kelly. I'm sorry I couldn't make breakfast. I was busy prying off the pillow 
that was stuck to daddy's head.

KELLY
He's not growing any hair, is he?

PEGGY
No, but a few hundred came away with the pillow.

KELLY
Y'know, it's amazing. I saw pictures of Dad when he was young. He stood upright. 
And he had hair. Now look at him. How's a woman to know?

PEGGY
You can't honey. Basically, it's a crap shoot.

AL (O.S.)
Peg. Did you throw out those hairs that I had sitting on the counter?

PEGGY
Sometimes you come up craps.

(PEGGY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS. KELLY SEES HIM. AND PLANTS A 
CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR ON THE COUCH)

KELLY
Hey, Bud. Sit down. I want to talk to you.

BUD
Look, Kell. I don't think we have much to talk about after you painted my face 
on Dad's bowling ball and left it outside my door.

KELLY
I was cruel, and I want to apologize. You're not losing your hair. Look.
(SHE PALMS BUCK'S HAIR AND TOUSLES HIS HAIR, AND BRINGS OUT THE CLUMP OF BUCK'S 
HAIR AND SHOWS HIM)
Oops.
(SHE LETS IT FALL FROM HER FINGERS. HE REACTS WITH HORROR AND RUSHES UPSTAIRS)

BUD
Dad! It's starting. 
(BUD EXITS)

KELLY
You don't mind that I'm playing with Bud, do you?

PEGGY
No. That's why we had him. Come with mee to the store. I've got to pick up some 
of this "Dr. Fur" for Buck. It's the only thing he'll eat. His coat looks nice, 
too.
(THEY EXIT CROSSING STEVE, WHO WEARS A FEDORA)
Hi, Steve.

STEVE
Ladies. Is Al home?

PEGGY
Upstairs. You look good in a hat, Steve.

(THEY EXIT AND CLOSE THE DOOR. A BEAT, THEN WE HEAR THEM LAUGH. STEVE REACTS. AL 
COMES DOWNSTAIRS)

AL
Oh. Hey, Steve. Stupid hat. Let me see your head.
(STEVE SHOWS HIM)
It's a graveyard, Steve. Me?
(HE SHOWS STEVE HIS HEAD)

STEVE
A ghost town.

AL
We may as well face it, Steve. This stuff isn't working. It tastes good, but 
it's not working. We're gonna have to learn to live with it. These are our 
heads.

STEVE
I can't bear this burden alone, Al. I've heard that help is available for guys 
like us, but I need to borrow your shoe store.

AL
For what?

FLIP TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE THREE (Steve, Al, Bald Guys, Murray, Lance, Jim)
INT. SHOE STORE - NIGHT

(WE SEE THAT CHAIRS HAVE BEEN ARRANGED FOR A MEETING AND SITTING IN THEM ARE 
ABOUT A DOZEN BALD MEN, STEVE AND AL AMONG THEM. A SIGN, COMPLETE WITH THE LOGO 
OF A BALD EAGLE, IS HUNG BEHIND A MAKESHIFT PODIUM. MURRAY, THE HEAD BALD GUY, 
STEPS TO THE PODIUM AND BANGS A CALL THE MEETING TO ORDER)

MURRAY
Hi, I'm Murray. And I'im bald.

BALD GUYS
Hi, Murray!

MURRAY
Hi guys. It's wonderful to be here with my brothers in baldness.

AL
I always wondered what's below the bottom of the barrel. Now I know. It's me.

STEVE
Pay attention.

AL
Leave me alone, Steve.

STEVE
"Brother" Steve.

(AL SIGHS)

MURRAY
Right now, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Brother Lance.

(LANCE STANDS UP)

LANCE
Hi. I'm Lance and I'm bald.

AL
No kidding.

BALD GUYS
Hi, Lance.

LANCE
I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note. Brother Herbert went to 
Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat. A hairy child put a reflector by his head as 
he dozed, and well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous head in the 
bowling ball cleaner routine again.
(THEY ALL MOAN SADLY)
So I'd like to bring up a motion to send him-, the traditional arrangement of 
balloons with ears, so he'll think of us. All in favor?

EVERYONE
Bald.

LANCE
Opposed?

JIM
Hair

LANCE
Motion carries. Which brings me to our thought for tonight. "Hair. How can we 
stop it?" Now, I admit, at one time, man might have needed hair. Like in 
prehistoric times when very large birds flew overhead and hats hadn't been invented.
But times have changed. We've evolved. Or should I say some of us have evolved. 
Let's face it. We no longer need appendixes, we no longer need wisdom teeth, and 
we certainly don't need John Davidson.

MURRAY
Or Michael Landon.

STEVE
Or Gene Shalit.

JIM
Or Joe Garagiola.

LANCE
He's bald, Jim.

JIM
Yeah, but I'm sick of him.

LANCE
(BEAT)
Well, the point is the bald are more evolved, more intelligent and more 
sophisticated. So next time a hairy child comes up and says, "Hey, let me rub 
your head for luck," you just tell that child, "That's not what your mother rubbed."
(LONG BEAT)
Now, let's share. Who among us shall be first?
(STEVE RAISES HIS HAND)
Brother Steve.

(STEVE STANDS UP)

STEVE
I'm Steve and I've been cancealing my... problem...

BALD GUYS
Say it.

LANCE
Say it.

STEVE
My baldness from my wife. I was ashamed.

(THE BALD MAN NEXT TO AL IS TEARING UP. AL REACTS)

STEVE (CONT'D)
But you have given me the strength to be proud of my hairline, no matter where 
it may wander across my head. You're the greatest. I love you.

(THEY APPLAUD. STEVE SITS DOWN)

LANCE
Good, Brother Steve. Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women 
have, that bald men are sexier, more virile, and aerodynamic. Let's face it. It 
doesn't get better than bald. A bald head says good in bed.
(THEY ALL CHEER)
All right! Brother Al. Have you been moved to share?

AL
Sure, I'll share. Let me share this little tidbit with you. You guys are nuts. 
Attractive, virile, sexy? Women want you? For what? To check their make-up? But 
you human flashlights have really helped me. When I came here tonight, I thought 
I was bald. But looking at you 'guys, I realize two things. One, I really miss 
playing pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You guys are bald. Really 
bald. Hundred watt, soft-white bald. Steve, we should feel great, cause we got 
hair. And I'll tell you something else. If and when I do lose my hair, I still 
won't be sitting here with you. Cause I've got something at home that doesn't 
care what I look like. That accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I 
need it. My couch.

(HE SWAGGERS OUT AS BALD GUYS BOO HIM)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR (Steve, Marcy)
INT. SHOE STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT

(STEVE SITS ALONE. MARCY ENTERS)

MARCY
Steve? Al told me I'd find you here. What's wrong?

STEVE
I've just been sitting here trying to decide how to tell you something terrible.

MARCY
What is it, Steve?

STEVE
I'm going bald.

MARCY
And?

STEVE
That's it. That's the news.

MARCY
I've known that since the day you got on your knees to propose.

STEVE
Then you still think I'm attractive?

MARCY
Oh, Steve. Of course. Anybody would.

(THEY HUG)

STEVE
Well, somebody doesn't. Look what somebody put on my desk. 

(HE TAKES OUT THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING)

MARCY
I put that there.

STEVE
Why?

MARCY 
'Cause it was your turn to shop and tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine is a 
great deal.

(STEVE REACTS)


THE END


Executive Producers: Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Supervising Producer: Richard Gurman
Producers: Sandy Sprung and Marcy Vosburgh
Associate Producer: Barbara Cramer
Director: John Sgueglia
Writers: Jules Dennis and Richard Mueller



Many thanks to Andreas of Bundyology.