DECEMBER 1, 1988

MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN

"A Dump of My Own"

Executive Producers
Ron Leavitt 
&
Michael G. Moye

Supervising Producer
Richard Gurman

Producers
Sandy Sprung
&
Marcy Vosburgh

Associate Producer
Barbara Cramer

Directed By
Gerry Cohen

Written By
Michael G. Moye
&
Ron Leavitt

AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION

SHOW: #0305
TAPE: 12/2/88
AIR: N/A


CAST
----
AL BUNDY ................. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY .............. KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ............ DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ............ AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY .............. CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ................ DAVID FAUSTINO
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) .........


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - MORNING

(PEGGY IS IN THE KITCHEN. AL AND BUD ARE ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY	Doesn't anyone want breakfast? I have an egg and some M&Ms. I can make an omelet.

AL	No, thanks, Peg. I'm still pleasantly nauseous from last night's feast of the three-
	legged chicken. Why would you buy a chicken with three drumsticks?

PEGGY	Well, it cost seven cents a pound. The ones with two legs cost a dollar nineteen a
	pound. Excuse me for thinking about our bankbook instead of our health.

AL	Didn't you think just maybe there might be something wrong when the label said
	Chernobyl Farms? I mean, how many chickens have flippers?

PEGGY	Don't blame me for that. I thought it was just an extra head. Bud, you liked it, didn't
	you?

BUD	It was tasty, but hard to eat. Everytime I cut off a piece it would grow back.

AL	Can somebody get Kelly out of the bathroom? I'm a little queasy. I'm still trying to
	pass a beak.

(KELLY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)

KELLY	Next.

BUD	That's me, dad. I have to stud myself up for school.

(BUD HEADS UPSTAIRS)

KELLY	(TO BUD) Oh. So you'll be needing your smoking jacket with the matching blue pampers.

BUD	(MUMBLING TO HIMSELF) Girls like me. They do.

(BUD EXITS UPSTAIRS)

KELLY	What's for lunch today, mom? Leftover chicken tumor?

PEGGY	Y'know, I'm hurt. I feed a family of four for thirty-two cents and all I get is grief.
	I'm trying to save some money for the important things for this family. (TO AL) Can I
	have seventy dollars to play Lotto?

AL	Can't I just give you seventy cents for some Prime Rib?

PEGGY	C'mon, Al, the jackpot is up to six million dollars. I have a system. I know I can win.

KELLY	Leave daddy alone, mom.

(SHE SITS NEXT TO HIM)

KELLY	He works hard for his money. (TO AL. SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER) Can I have a
	hundred dollars for a python? I need one for the school talent show.

(PEGGY SHOOS HER AWAY)

PEGGY	Marry your own wallet.

(SHE SITS NEXT TO AL)

PEGGY	(TO AL) Oh, please, Al. All I'm asking for is seventy dollars to play my system. I've
	studied the numbers. And you know at school there was one thing I was good at.

AL	Yeah, but in the real world they don't give prizes for the longest period by a
	sophomore.

(BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS)

BUD	It's all yours, dad.

AL	It's about time. The man who goes to work, who pays the bills, finally gets to enjoy
	the fruits of his labor. Stand back, kids. Daddy's gonna show you how it's done.

BUD	Uh, dad. You might want to put on your galoshes.

AL	Oh, no.

BUD	Yup. She's rising like the Mississip. From what I could tell, either you or mom must've
	tried to flush Kelly's report card down the toilet.

(KELLY STARES AT HIM)

BUD	Oh, no. Did I let the F's out of the bag?

PEGGY	Al, she's failing again.

AL	Who cares? I've got a chicken pecking it's way out of my body. How come we bought a
	house that only has one bathroom?

PEGGY	Because the only other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely
	house with no kitchen that I wanted.

AL	Well, Peg. We all have to live with our disappointments. I, of course, have to sleep
	with mine.

PEGGY	Is that its new name?

(HE LOOKS AT THE KIDS AND GIVES A FALSE LITTLE LAUGH, THEN)

AL	But the point is, when I was growing up, I had two dreams. One was being an Astronaut
	and landing on the planet, Jayne Mansfield. The other is a bathroom all of my own.
	Well, Daddy got blown off course and crashed on a much darker planet. But family.
	Daddy's going to realize his second dream. I'm gonna build myself a bathroom. The
	greatest bathroom in the world. And I want you to know something. All of you.

(HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND THEIR SHOULDERS)

AL	Nobody uses that bathroom but me.

PEGGY	Al, how are we going to afford a new bathroom? As it is, we give the kids candy and
	tell them it's vitamins.

AL	Kids, no more vitamins for a while. But don't worry. It won't cost much, because 
	daddy's gonna build it himself.

BUD	Mom, I'm scared.

PEGGY	Now, kids. Let's have faith in your father. Remember his father before him came to
	Chicago with a dime in his pocket. And after twenty years of hard work he built that
	dime into a nickel. And that, kids, is the saga of Jebediah Bundy. Or as you used to
	refer to him, grandpa the bum. (INDICATES AL) And now, the saga continues.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(PEGGY IS ON THE COUCH, LOOKING OVER LOTTERY STUFF. KELLY ENTERS, CARRYING HER BOOKS)

PEGGY	Hi, honey. How was school?

KELLY	(BLASÈ) Reading, adding, false alarm, principal office. The usual.

(SHE SITS ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY	Kelly. You believe in your mother, don't you?

KELLY	Well, a little bit.

(PEGGY PUTS HER ARMS AROUND HER, TOUCHED)

PEGGY	That's sweet. Now, give me some money so I can play the Lottery.

KELLY	I can't, mom. Since dad decided to build his dream bathroom, he took away our
	allowances. What does he think? Blonde hair just grows out of your head?

(AL ENTERS BRINGING A CRATE ON A DOLLY)

AL	(HAPPILY) It's here! Where's Bud? I want him to see this. (CALLS OUT) Bud. Get down
	here.

(HE PUTS THE CRATE DOWN AS BUD ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)

AL	Family. Gather round.

BUD	What is it, dad?

AL	My destiny, son. See, when I was a young boy I told myself when I grew up I would have
	one thing. (BEAT) A toilet bowl like my dad had.

PEGGY	I thought it was a head like a peanut. Your dad had one of those, too.

AL	You're not gonna ruin my moment, Peg. Now everyone stand back and feast your eyes on...
	THIS!

(HE PULLS OUT A PLAIN WHITE TOILET)

KELLY	(SOTTO TO PEGGY AND BUD) Is it just me, or is that a toilet?

AL	Not just a toilet. A Ferguson, the king of bowls.

(THEY START TO GO. AL STOPS BUD)

AL	Bud sit down and let me tell you the story of the Ferguson.

(THEY SIT)

AL	These babies are made in Maine, you know, at the little Ferguson factory. It's the
	Stradivarius of toilets and my dad could play it like a violin.

(BUD LOOKS TO THE GIRLS. HE MIMES "HELP ME". THEY PRETEND NOT TO NOTICE HIM)

AL	Yup, I'll never forget the time my dad took me on a trip to Maine, to visit the
	factory. On the way up, I had to go to the bathroom. I begged my dad to pull into a
	truck stop. He said no. "Wait till we get there. It will be worth it." (BEAT) It was.

BUD	Excuse me here, dad, but a toilet is a toilet.

AL	Bud, today's toilets aren't worthy of the name. They come in designer colors, they're
	too low, and when you flush 'em they make this little weak almost apologetic sound.
	Not a Ferguson. It only comes in white and when you flush it... (REVERENTLY)
	"Whooosh."

(HE NODS WITH THE MEMORY, THEN)

AL	That's a man's flush, Bud. A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet. Sit down and give me your
	best shot." Oh, if a Ferguson could talk, the stories it could tell. And now I've got
	one of my very own. (TEARING UP) Yeah. If only my dad could have lived to see this
	moment.

(HE DABS AT HIS EYE. BAD PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDER AND CROSSES TO PEGGY AND KELLY)

BUD	(SOFTLY) This time, I don't think he's coming back.

(AL SITS ON THE BOWL, DABBING HIS EYES)

AL	(LOOKS UPWARD) Oh, dad. Look. I'm sitting on a Ferguson of my own. Just like you knew
	I would.

(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD LOOK AT HIM)

PEGGY	(BEAT) Remember this at the trial, kids.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - DAY

(PEGGY, STEVE AND MARCY ARE HAVING COFFEE, STARING AT THE FERGUSON. THERE IS A "DO NOT TOUCH"
SIGN ON THE FERGUSON)

PEGGY	He loves that bowl.

(WE HEAR DRILLING SOUNDS DURING THE FOLLOWING)

STEVE	A Ferguson you say?

PEGGY	Yes. It's made by elves, I think, somewhere in Canada.

AL	(O.S.) It's Maine.

MARCY	How long will it take him to build the bathroom?

PEGGY	Well, the instruction book says a child can do it in three weeks, so figure... six,
	eight months. Then we'll bring in the child.

STEVE	Well, on the plus side, a second bathroom will increase the value of the house
	considerably.

(THE DRILL COMES THROUGH THE WALL)

STEVE	(BEAT) But on the minus side... doing it himself, is he?

MARCY	Steve, why don't you go in there and see if you can help.

STEVE	Why should I help him?

MARCY	Because if you don't he may not finish, and then he'll come over and use our
	bathroom... (POINTEDLY) ...like last week.

(STEVE SHUDDERS WITH THE MEMORY)

STEVE	He killed our gold fish.

MARCY	I know, dear.

(STEVE HEADS FOR THE GARAGE DOOR)

CUT TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

(AL SITS ON A LAWN CHAIR IN THE ROPED OFF AREA. CHALK MARKS ARE DRAWN TO SHOW WHERE THINGS
WILL GO. AL SITS, HIS FINGERS IN A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER, LOOKING AROUND WISTFULLY. STEVE
ENTERS)

STEVE	Hi, Al. I'm just cutting through here to go home.

AL	Hang on, Steve. I want you to see this. What do you think so far?

(STEVE LOOKS AROUND)

STEVE	It's a dream, Al. Many's the time I'll be sitting in my bathroom wishing I could look
	at my car.

AL	Do I detect a little green-eyed monster creeping into your voice there, Steve? C'mon,
	you can be honest. It's beautiful, isn't it?

STEVE	Al, I don't see any area marked off for a sink.

AL	Hey. This is gonna be a man's bathroom.

(STEVE REACTS)

AL	Now, you know how when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case, Peggy, you
	get nylons on the shower rod, Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar
	lying around. I mean, what do they do? MAke a salad in there? Well not in this 
	bathroom, Steve. In my medicine cabinet there's just gonna be guy stuff. Rolaide,
	Milk of Magnesia, Tums, my razor...

STEVE	Why do you need a razor when you don't have a sink?

AL	Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve, it's for peace of mind. And look here, Steve. My own
	design. The four roll toilet paper dispenser. No more running out in crucial 
	situations. When the bomb drops, I'm set.

STEVE	Listen, Al. There might be looting out there. You might want to get a rifle to
	protect those babies.

(AL THINKS A BEAT, THEN CHALKS A LINE ON THE WALL)

AL	Good thought, Steve. Now, I got another great idea the other day. I've been to a lot
	of bathrooms lately, y'know research, and I saw something in a public bathroom
	downtown, that'll work great for my bathroom.

STEVE	A door high enough so you can crawl under without paying?

AL	Oh, excuse me Steve. I don't have the class that you do, what with a fish floating
	belly up in your bathroom.

STEVE	That fish was alive in the morning, Al.

AL	Well, he was dead when I got there.

(HE GIVES A LITTLE LOOK THAT SAYS HE'S LYING)

AL	Anyway, I was in this handicapped stall, and I noticed it had this great rail. Many's
	the time I need a rail to help me get up. Hmm, I could use one of those babies in
	the bedroom, after sex nights. Nah, once the Ferguson is in place, who needs sex? I
	guess women don't understand these things like men do, eh, Steve? Steve?

(HE LOOKS AROUND. STEVE IS GONE)

CUT TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS

(PEGGY HANDS MARCY SOMETHING IN TIN FOIL)

MARCY	You really don't want this chicken?

PEGGY	Nah. The kids hate leftovers. Oh, just don't put it anywhere near a clock.

(MARCY REACTS)

PEGGY	Anyway, I know my Lotto numbers are gonna come up. And I just need seventy dollars
	to play. So what do you say, Marce? You lend me seventy dollars, and if I win, I pay
	you back.

MARCY	Peggy, let me be honest with you. I once loaned money to a friend. That person never
	paid me back. I never said a word about it, but I harbored a deep resentment, and it
	strained our relationship to the point where the very sight of that person made me
	sick.

PEGGY	You're kidding. What a low life. Who was it?

MARCY	It was you, Peggy.

PEGGY	Oh. Well, what if I sign over the rights to Al's body parts? No, I can't do that. I
	already hocked those for a tank of gas the other day. But I think I may have a spleen
	left.

MARCY	No. But thank you. We have so many niknacks already. It would be just one more thing
	to dust. Look, Peggy, if you really need money, they're looking for part time help at
	the supermarket.

PEGGY	You'd do that for me?

MARCY	Well, I wasn't thinking of me.

PEGGY	Marcy, you know the kids are in school. Why did you even bring it up?

MARCY	I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Listen, why don't you just get the money from
	Al?

PEGGY	I can't. Ever since he started building this bathroom he's been hiding his wallet in
	a different place. Al's bowels are draining the very life blood from this family. All
	he thinks about is his bathroom. He makes flushing sounds in his sleep. Not that he's
	given up his regular sounds.

MARCY	I guess I'm lucky. Steve just holds himself and hums.

PEGGY	What a pig. But at least he's not building a monument to his peculiarity. I'll tell
	you, Al loves that toilet bowl more than me.

MARCY	Oh, Peggy. Don't be ridiculous.

(AL ENTERS FROM THE GARAGE)

AL	(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Hi, Peg.

(HE HUGS THE BOWL)

AL	(TO BOWL) Daddy loves you.

(AL STARTS UPSTAIRS)

PEGGY	(TO MARCY) What does that toilet have that I don't?

AL	A job.

(AL EXITS. PEGGY REACTS)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - (THREE WEEKS LATER)

(PEGGY AND BUD ARE WEARING WINTER COATS, SITTING ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE LISTENING TO A
TRANSISTOR RADIO. NOTE: THE LIGHTS ARE OFF)

ANNOUN	(O.S.) And no one has won our big jackpot, so keep playing, 'cause the twenty-one
	million dollar jackpot could be yours.

(HE STARTS TO REPEAT THE MESSAGE IN SPANISH)

ANNOUN	(O.S.) Y nadie ha ganado nuestra gran premio, ha se que siga jugando...

(PEGGY TURNS OFF THE RADIO)

PEGGY	Twenty-one mil and it's gonna be all mine.

BUD	You mean "ours", don't you, mom?

PEGGY	(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Sure.

(KELLY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS IN A WINTER COAT WITH A LANTERN)

KELLY	This is ridiculous. When is daddy going to turn the electricity on? I want to play
	some records.

BUD	Oh, come on, Kell. You don't need records. You know all the words. Just chant "Oh,
	Satan, yay Satan, Satan I'm your squeeze."

KELLY	Eat dad's socks.

BUD	Sniff his shoes.

KELLY	You little...

PEGGY	Now, kids, we're all on edge. We're just letting the cold and dark get to us.

KELLY	Mom, seriously, is this our life?

PEGGY	Well, I guess you're old enough to know the truth. Yes, it is.

(SHE HANGS HER HEAD. THEN THE KIDS DO TOO. THE LIGHTS GO ON)

PEGGY	(SIGHS) Let's take our coats off. Daddy's on a break.

(SHE HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN. AL ENTERS FROM THE GARAGE.)

AL	I'm just having the time of my life.

(HE TOUSLES BUD'S HAIR)

AL	Bud.

(HE TOUSLES KELLY'S HAIR)

AL	Kelly.

(HE RUBS THE FERGUSON)

AL	Fergie. Hey, I got an idea. What say I get out the camera and we each take a picture
	with the bowl.

KELLY	Can I stick my head in it, please?

AL	You've just wise-guyed yourself out of the picture, young lady. Okay, who's first?

PEGGY	Al, we're living like Oakies. Can't you finish your bathroom?

AL	I'm in the home stretch now. I would've been finished but my stuff keeps disappearing.
	Bud, did you take my adjustable wrenches?

BUD	(SARCASTIC) Yeah, dad. You're on to me. We've been having these wild parties. Y'know,
	invite some girls over, turn the lights down low and we gang-fix the sink.

AL	Kelly?

KELLY	Come on, dad. Look around. If I was gonna steal, it certainly wouldn't be from this
	house.

AL	It must be the neighbors. People hear you've got a Ferguson, they think you've got
	money.

PEGGY	Yeah, well, people hear you've got a husband, they think you have sex.

AL	Say what you will, Peg. You can't bring me down. That bowl is giving me a natural
	high. Button your coats, kids. I'm going back to work.

(HE HEADS FOR THE GARAGE DOOR)

AL	I just wish I knew what's been happening to my tools. And my copper tubing. And tiles.
	And manhood. And future.

(HE EXITS. A BEAT, THEN THE LIGHTS GO OFF AGAIN)

P/K/B	(BEAT, THEN SING) "FLINTSTONES, WE'RE THE FLINTSTONES..."

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

(PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS IN HER ROBE. SHE HEADS FOR THE GARAGE DOOR AND OPENS IT)

CUT TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

(PEGGY ENTERS. SHE FLICKS ON THE LIGHT. SHE GOES TO PICK UP AN OPEN BOX OF TILE. AL POPS UP
FROM UNDER A PILE OF RAGS THAT COMPLETELY HID HIM. HE HOLDS A DRILL AND POINTS IT AT HER)

AL	Drop that tile. (BEAT. THEN HURT) You, Peg?

PEGGY	Oh, Al, I'm sorry. It's just that you've been hiding your wallet and... I had to sell
	your tools for Lottery money. Oh, Al. If you die I can go on welfare, but if you
	live I have nothing. I had to do this. Don't you understand? You have the bathroom.
	This lottery is my bathroom. We each have a dream. Yours is just pathetic.

AL	Well... okay, Peg. If winning the Lottery means more to you than our marriage, then go
	ahead.

(SHE PICKS UP THE TILE AND STARTS TO GO. HE STARTS THE DRILL)

AL	Did I forget to mention you'll never make it to the door?

(SHE STOPS)

AL	Sit down Peg.

(THEY SIT ON THE FLOOR)

AL	Honey, we don't need the Lottery. We've got each other.

PEGGY	(WHINES) But I want the Lottery.

AL	Peg, all I'm asking is for you to do nothing. Nobody does that better than you. Look,
	just make believe that the kids are hungry and I've got the flu.

PEGGY	You mean, just sit on the couch and pretend you don't exist?

AL	Yes!

PEGGY	Like the time you broke your foot?

AL	Yes! Just for one more week. Can you do that? For me?

PEGGY	You're so cute when you beg. I'll do it, Al.

(THEY SNUGGLE. SHE LIFTS HIS WALLET OUT OF HIS POCKET)

AL	Uh, Peg. One more thing. If you must steal for the Lottery, just for one week, steal
	from the kids. Okay?

PEGGY	(NUZZLES HIM. BEAT) Okay.

(SHE GIVES HIM BACK HIS WALLET. AL REACTS, THEN PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER)

AL	Hey, Peg. A funny thing happened. I was at the gas station, and I was rubbing my eyes.
	The mechanic came over and said, "Hey, don't do that. I own those." What do you think
	he meant?

PEGGY	I don't know. But don't let him work on your brakes, honey.

(THEY CUDDLE)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE SEVEN

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

(THE FERGUSON IS OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM. PEGGY AND KELLY ARE WATCHING TV)

ANNOUN	(O.S.) And congratulations to our sixty million dollar winner. Mr. Soo Lum Park. Not
	bad for two weeks in the country, eh, Soo?

(SHE SHUTS OFF THE SET DISGUSTEDLY. SHE RIPS UP HER TICKETS. BUD ENTERS)

BUD	Hey, did anybody take my skateboard?

PEGGY	Oh, leave me alone.

KELLY	Well, daddy finally finished his bathroom. Y'know, the living room seems so much
	bigger without the Ferguson.

PEGGY	This must be a proud moment for your father. He's in there breaking in the Ferguson as
	we speak. He must really be having fun. He's been in there over an hour.

(AL ENTERS, DEPRESSED, FROM THE GARAGE)

PEGGY	How was it, Al?

AL	I dunno, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this
	ever happened to Dad.

PEGGY	Oh, honey. Would you like me to undercook you some chicken?

AL	No, but thanks anyway. I'm afraid it'll take something stronger than raw chicken to
	fix me up.

(HE FLICKS ON THE TV)

ANNOUN	(O.S., PROUD) And now, stay tuned for the rest of our exciting ABC lineup. "Roseanne",
	"Moonlighting", and the award winning "thirtysomething".

(AL SHUTS OFF THE TV. HE GETS UP, PICKS UP A NEWSPAPER AND HEADS FOR THE GARAGE, GIVING THE
FAMILY THE "THUMBS UP SIGN". HE EXITS. PEGGY PUTS HER ARMS AROUND THE KIDS' SHOULDERS. THEY
WATCH THE DOOR)

CUT TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE EIGHT

EXT. STOCK SHOT OF FOUNTAIN FROM OPENING CREDITS

SFX: FERGUSON FLUSH

(THE FOUNTAIN SPURTS UP)

AL	(O.S.) Now that's a man's flush.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO