October 17, 1988


Executive Producers
Ron Leavitt
and
Michael G. Moye

Supervising Producer
Richard Gurman

Producers
Marcy Vosburgh
&
Sandy Sprung

Associate Producer
Barbara Cramer

Directed By
Gerry Cohen

Written By
Sandy Sprung
&
Marcy Vosburgh


SHOW: #0301
TAPE: 10/21/88
AIR:  N/A


CAST

AL BUNDY .............. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ........... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ......... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ......... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ............. DAVID FAUSTINO


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 FADE IN:

 INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
 (PEGGY AND AL ARE ON THE COUCH. FAST FOOD WRAPPERS ARE IN FRONT OF THEM. AL CRUMPLES AN EMPTY
 WRAPPER AND TOSSES IT. HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER)

AL	Another great meal, Peg. Y'know, honey, you're incredible, I mean you ignore the
	children, you neglect the house, and still you find time to let the dinner get cold
	before you serve it. How do you do it?

PEGGY	(MODESTLY) Well, Al. I care enough about me, not to care about you.

 (HE GIVES HER A LITTLE SQUEEZE)

AL	Y'know, it's times like these I just want to take you upstairs, and plug that hole in
	the roof.

 (THEY KISS)

AL	Listen, Peg. My week off starts tonight, so if there's anyplace you've always wanted to
	go, pack up, take the kids and I'll see you in a week.

PEGGY	Not this year, Al. If I leave you alone, all you do is mess up the house.

 (SHE KICKS A BAG OFF THE COFFEE TABLE SO SHE CAN PUT HER FEET UP)

PEGGY	This year you're gonna do all the things you promised you'll do when you have the time.

 (SHE TAKES OUT LIST)

PEGGY	Let's see. Consumate marriage. Nah, that's more of a do-it-yourself job.

 (CROSSES IT OFF. AL REACTS)

PEGGY	Here we go. Here's stuff you can do. Paint the house, plant the lawn, caulk the windows,
	... (SNEAKING IT IN) ... do the laundry. (SNEAKS LOOK AT HIM) Fix the toilet, clean the
	gutters, and, if you have time, talk to the children.

AL	Both Bud and Nancy?

PEGGY	It's Kelly, Al.

AL	Whatever. Look, Peg, this is my week off. Do you know what a week off is? Well, you know
	what you do every day since we've been married? See, they only give me five days to do
	all that.

PEGGY	Al, if you won't do these chores, who will?

AL	How 'bout Sid and Nancy?

PEGGY	That's Bud and Kelly.

AL	Yeah, them.

 SFX: DOORBELL

AL	Can you get that, Peg?

PEGGY	(TAKES LIST AND WRITES) Answer door. (HANDS LIST TO AL) Good night.

 (SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS. AL ANSWERS THE DOOR TO STEVE)

AL	Hi Steve. Sorry you can't stay.

STEVE	Yes I can. Marcy gave me 'til nine. Al, I've got great news. Remember what we talked
	about last week?

AL	Odorless, tasteless poison?

STEVE	No, no. Before that, Al. About us going fishing. Well, I got us a cabin away from
	everything. It's on a lake so loaded with fish they jump on your hook. It's just the
	way wilderness should be. "No trespassing" signs everywhere. And a Seven-Eleven just
	ten minutes away. What do you think?

AL	What do I think?

 (AL MIMICS THE OPENING BARS OF "DUELING BANJOES" FROM DELIVERANCE. THEN STEVE TAKES THE
 SECOND BAR. THEY MIMIC TOGETHER A FEW BEATS)

AL	Let's not wake up Peg. If she hears me having fun, she'll want some too. How long do
	we have the cabin for?

STEVE	Five whole days.

AL	Five days. Oh, man.

STEVE	Uh, Al. The cabin cost me two hundred and fifty dollars.

AL	No need to apologize to me, Steve. If I'm going for free I have no right to complain.
	Now, listen, Buddy.

 (HE USHERS STEVE OUT)

AL	We'll use your car, pick me up at six. Don't knock. The door will be open and I'll be
	ready.

STEVE	All right. Look, Al. Maybe you can't afford to chip in for the cabin, but let's clear
	up one point up front. The food...

 (AL HOLDS UP HIS HAND TO STOP HIM)

AL	I'm way ahead of you here, Steve. But like I said before, when I go somewhere for free,
	I eat whatever is put on my plate.

STEVE	(MUTTERS) I gotta find some friends.

 (STEVE EXITS)

 DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MORNING
 (AL ENTERS QUIETLY FROM UPSTAIRS CARRYING A SUITCASE. HE PUTS IT BY THE TACKLE BOX BY THE
 DOOR. HE CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN, AND SITS DOWN TO WRITE A NOTE)

AL	(WRITES) Dear Peg. (THINKS A BEAT, THEN CROSSES SOMETHING OUT) Peg. By the time you
	read this there will be nothing you can do about it. I was called away on an emergency
	fishing trip. I'll be away a week. I wouldn't blame you if you took the kids and left
	me. But if you do, take the dog too. I guess this is goodbye. Love, Al. (CROSSES
	SOMETHING OUT) Al.

 (HE STARTS TO TAKE IT TO THE REFRIGERATOR, THEN CHANGES HIS MIND AND TAPES IT TO THE TV. THE
 DOOR OPENS AND STEVE STICKS HIS HEAD IN)

STEVE	(SINGING WHISPER) Cock-a-doodle-doo.

AL	Shhhh!

 (AL MOTIONS HIM IN AND HEADS TO FRIDGE FOR BEER. STEVE AND MARCY, DRESSED FOR CABINING,
 ENTER. AL TIPTOES BACK WITH BEER)

AL	Hi, Steve. Hi, Marce.

 (AL PULLS STEVE ASIDE)

AL	Uh, Steve, isn't she gonna find out about the trip?

STEVE	What kind of a guy do you think I am? Like I'd really go away for a week without my
	wife.

MARCY	Where's Peggy? (CALLING UPSTAIRS) Come on, Peggy. Time to go.

PEGGY	(O.S.) Marcy, is that you?

MARCY	Yeah. C'mon. Wake the kids. We're going fishing.

PEGGY	(O.S.) Shhh. You'll wake up Al.

 (AL REACTS AND STARES AT STEVE. HE TAKES THE NOTE OFF THE TV UNHAPPILY)

 DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - DAY
 (MARCY ENTERS TAKING PICTURES OF EVERYTHING, PEGGY FOLLOWS. THEY OOH AND AAH)

MARCY	I love it! It's so rustic! (TAKING DEEP BREATH) And that air smells great!

PEGGY	Grab it while you can. Al is almost in.

 (AL, STEVE AND BUD ENTER. THEY ARE LOADED DOWN WITH STUFF)

AL	Okay. Peg, this hairdryer is yours. Marcy, this case of bottled water is yours. And I
	believe this hernia is mine.

MARCY	It's a beautiful cabin, Steve.

 (DURING THE FOLLOWING MARCY UNPACKS AND PUTS THINGS AWAY)

BUD	Great job, Mr. Rhoades.

 (BUT PUTS OUT HIS HAND FOR "FIVE". STEVE GOES TO SLAP HIM FIVE BUT BUD PULLS HIS HAND AWAY
 AND SMOOTHS HIS HAIR. STEVE REACTS)

PEGGY	Isn't he cute?

STEVE	(MUTTERS) Even squid love their young.

 (KELLY ENTERS, WITH THE FISHING EQUIPMENT. SHE TOSSES THEM DOWN)

KELLY	What a dump.

AL	Kelly, honey, let me explain something about fishing rods. When you throw them down,
	you break them. Then daddy can't fish. And if daddy can't fish, he's stuck with mommy.
	Which means we drove up here for nothing.

KELLY	I didn't ask to come, and I didn't ask to be born.

AL	(BEAT) Peg?

PEGGY	It's her time of the month, Al.

AL	Then why the hell did we bring her?

 (KELLY THROWS HERSELF IN A CHAIR AND MOANS)

BUD	Squeaked through another month, eh, Kell?

KELLY	Your mother.

BUD	Your father.

PEGGY	Now, kids. We came up here to have fun. Leave your sister alone before she rips your
	heart out, dear.

AL	Look, Kelly. I came up here for a good time. I understand why you have to do this. I
	just don't understand why it has to be now.

KELLY	Go away. Where's my room?

STEVE	This is it.

KELLY	You mean there's no bedroom?

STEVE	Of course not, it's a cabin.

KELLY	It's an outhouse.

AL	Hey, this cost me and Steve a small fortune and you're gonna like it.

PEGGY	C'mon, everybody. Let's have fun. Let's go shopping. We passed a nice little rustic
	store on the way up, where men were chopping wood with their shirts off. We could go
	there.

MARCY	I know what we can do, let's go on a nature hunt. We can collect leaves and arrowheads
	and take pictures of the wildlife.

AL	Then we can get naked and sing "This Land Is Your Land". Steve, I don't know about
	you, but I'm goin' fishin'.

STEVE	I'm with you, buddy.

BUD	Just us men, eh, Mr. Rhoades?

STEVE	You said it.

 (BUD PUTS OUT HIS HAND FOR "FIVE". STEVE GIVES IT TO HIM. BUD FAKES HIM OUT AGAIN. HE
 SNICKERS. AL SMILES PROUDLY. AL EXITS. BUD STRUTS OUT. STEVE STICKS HIS FOOT OUT AND TRIPS
 BUD AS HE EXITS. STEVE LOOKS PROUD AND EXITS)

 DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

 INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - LATER
 (THE DOOR OPENS. THE GUYS ENTER HAPPILY)

AL	Hey, girls. What do you say to this?

 (THEY HOLD UP ONE LITTLE FISH EACH. WE SEE THE GIRLS STARING AT THEM HATEFULLY, ROCKING AND
 HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS. THE GUYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER)

AL	Oh, no.

STEVE	What is it, Al?

 (SHOT OF KELLY ROCKING AND HOLDING HER STOMACH. SHOT OF MARCY ROCKING AND HOLDING HER STOMACH.
 SHOT OF PEGGY ROCKING AND HOLDING HER STOMACH)

AL	Periods, Steve. Three of 'em.

 (THE GIRLS ROCK. THE GUYS LOOK FRIGHTENED)

 FADE OUT:
 END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 FADE IN:

 INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - NIGHT
 (THE GUYS HUDDLE TOGETHER CLEANING THE FISH. THEY NERVOUSLY LOOK OVER AT THE GIRLS. PEGGY
 LIES ON A BED FANNING HERSELF. KELLY ROCKS AND MOANS. MARCY MASSAGES HER TEMPLES. SHE HAS A
 COMPRESS ON HER FOREHEAD. THE GUYS TALK SOFTLY AMONGST THEMSELVES)

AL	(IN AWE) All three at once. What do they do? Give it to each other?

STEVE	Actually, it's an interesting phenomenon that happens quite often. I read they did a
	study of a girls' college dormitory and most of the women wound up getting their
	periods at the same time.

AL	What a weapon this could be for the country. You keep 'em together, herd 'em into a
	bomber and drop 'em over Moscow. We could bring Russia to its knees.

STEVE	What if they shoot the plane down?

 (AL SHRUGS UNCONCERNED)

BUD	What should we do now? We got this fish and all.

 (THEY LOOK AT THE GIRLS. THE GIRLS HATE THEM)

AL	I guess we should clean the fish.

 (THEY SILENTLY START TO SCALE THE FISH)

PEGGY	(ANNOYED) Will you please keep the noise down?

MARCY	(MUTTERS) Morons.

 (AL STARTS PICKING THE SCALES OFF ONE AT A TIME)

AL	Uh, Peg. Do you know where my fish cleaning knife is?

 (PEGGY GETS UP, CROSSES TO HIM, TAKES THE FISH AND THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW. SHE SITS BACK
 DOWN)

AL	That's it. Look, let's go to the general store, buy an axe, and on the way back we can
	decide whether it's for them or us.

STEVE	Now, Al. Let's not panic. What women need at a time like this is compassion, love and
	understanding. Partners through life, partners through strife.

 (HE WALKS OVER TO MARCY)

STEVE	Marcy. Let's talk.

MARCY	Fine. Let's talk about fourteen months ago when I wanted to see that movie and you
	were too tired. And the time you wore that gray sweater. I hate that sweater. I hate
	you, Steve. Everything about you. Every breath you take, every move you make. You,
	sir, stink. I feel so bloated, so ugly. Oh, Peggy, see how mean he is to me?

 (THE GIRLS STARE HATEFULLY AT STEVE. A BEAT, THEN STEVE GOES BACK TO THE GUYS)

STEVE	Well, Marcy's okay. She hasn't hit full fury yet.

AL	Bud, go over and say something nice to your sister.

BUD	Bud, dad, I don't even like her.

AL	Who does? Just go.

 (BUD CROSSES TO KELLY)

BUD	Hi, Kell. Nice veneer of sweat.

 (KELLY GETS UP. BUD SMILES AT AL. WE SEE AL AND STEVE WATCHING)

 SFX: THUMP

 (AL AND STEVE REACT. BUD WALKS BACK DOUBLED OVER)

BUD	(PAINED) You're next, dad.

AL	No, son. I just did what Custer should have. Used scouts. (TO STEVE) This is your
	fault. We could have been having guy fun. Instead we're in guy hell. Why did you
	invite your wife?

STEVE	I didn't know she was going to be periodic, Al.

AL	Well, you should have suspected she'd do something. 'Cause we were gonna have a good
	time. That's why they invented this period thing. Back before man, women didn't have
	periods. Gee, it would have been nice to have lived then. You know who was a good
	woman. Veronica, y'know, from the "Archie" comics.

STEVE	Well, you know, she did have kind of an attitude, Al.

AL	You're right. There are no good onces.

MARCY	It's cold in here.

PEGGY	It's hot in here.

KELLY	It's hot and cold in here.

BUD	We're in major league trouble here, men.

 (AL LOOKS OVER AT PEGGY. SHE WINKS AT HIM AND MAKES A KISSING SOUND TO AL. HE REACTS)

AL	No. I'm in major league trouble here. But it's nothing we can't handle. Let's go to
	bed. They can suffer while we sleep, we'll wake up refreshed, go fishing, and let them
	kill each other off.

 (AS THEY LAY OUT THEIR SLEEPING BAGS, WE:)

 DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 INT. CABIN - MORNING
 SUPER: "DAY TWO" 6:52 A.M.
 (WE SEE THE WOMEN SLEEPING. WE SEE BUD SLEEPING IN A CHAIR. BUD STIRS AWAKE)

BUD	It's day! Let's go, men.

 (WE SEE AL AND STEVE ARE GONE)

BUD	Oh, nice. Thanks, dad.

 (HE GETS UP, PICKS UP A FISHING POLR AND TRIES TO TIPTOE OUT. THE GIRLS WAKE UP)

PEGGY	God, I feel foul.

MARCY	Where's Steve?

BUD	I owe them nothing. They went fishing to escape you. Me, I like women. Let's plot our
	revenge.

PEGGY	Isn't that just like men?

BUD	Yep.

MARCY	The rest of the month they expect us to be at their beck and call.

 (PEGGY NODS IN AGREEMENT)

MARCY	But the moment we need just a little compassion, love and understanding, they're out
	the door.

BUD	I told them. Men are the lowest.

KELLY	Let's pretend Bud's a man and kill him.

 (MARCY LOOKS TOWARD PEGGY FOR APPROVAL)

PEGGY	Nah. He's my insurance. If Al leaves, there'll be someone there to take out the
	garbage.

KELLY	I'm hungry. I want chocolate. I want to go home.

MARCY	This place is a mess. Your son is a mess. I can't stand a mess.

 (SHE STARTS TO CLEAN)

PEGGY	(SINGS) "I'm in the mood for love"...

AL	(O.S.) Run, Steve, run.

 (AL AND STEVE ENTER, SCARED. THEY SLAM THE DOOR)

PEGGY	What happened?

AL	We were walking through the woods, quiet as you please, when all of a sudden the
	ground started shaking and something crashed through the bush. I thought it was you,
	Peg, but it didn't have high heels.

STEVE	It was a bear. A big one. That smelled.

 (THEY LOOK OUT THE WINDOW)

STEVE	There he is.

AL	That's a moose, Steve. The bear is over there, spraying your tires.

STEVE	My Mercedes! Stop that. Bad! Bad bear.

BUD	What do they want? We have no food.

STEVE	They don't want us, Bud. Let me talk to your father alone.

 (THEY GUYS GATHER)

STEVE	See, wild animals can sense when women...

AL	Are killing their husbands?

STEVE	No. When they're... cycling.

 (AL STARES AT HIM)

STEVE	Period, Al. Period. They want our women.

AL	Then our women they shall have. Hey, Peg...

PEGGY	Al, we decided we want to go home.

AL	Great. I'll pack, you warm up the car.

STEVE	Don't you understand? We're trapped. 

KELLY	Someone has to go for help. And chocolate.

STEVE	Gee, I'd love to, honey, but I can't. There's a moose filling my gas tank. I'd hate to
	interrupt him right now.

AL	Then one of us will have to make a run for it.

 (EVERYONE LOOKS AT BUD)

BUD	Uh, uh. Not me. I didn't marry any of 'em.

 SFX: THUMP AGAINST DOOR

AL	Peg, your date's here.

 (THE GUYS LOOK OUT THE WINDOW)

PEGGY	(INDICATES GUYS) Look at them. Our protectors. The Great White Hunters. In the old days,
	men would go out, fight that bear, and come back with supper and a nice rug. Now, you
	send them out for milk, they come back with a leaking carton, a runny nose, and a bad
	back. They're really quite worthless, you know.

MARCY	I hate it when they leave the toilet seat up.

PEGGY	They won't pick up after themselves. And then they never know where anything is. They
	ask us, "Where's my shoes, where's my shirt, where's my underwear?"

KELLY	Like we'd wear them.

MARCY	Or touch them.

PEGGY	Or wash them.

MARCY	I hate the way they won't ask directions when they're lost.

PEGGY	And the way they burp and hold up the victory sign.

KELLY	And the way they ask you to chip in for the motel room.

 (PEGGY AND MARCY STARE AT HER)

KELLY	So... I've heard.

 (THE GUYS COME AWAY FROM THE WINDOW)

AL	Well, the cast of Bambi is out there now. And in here we've got some of the seven
	dwarves. Puffy, Crabby and Horny. So, I guess it's safe to say this day is shot. What
	say we all turn in?

PEGGY	Al, it's seven-thirty in the morning.

AL	Peg, we're in the woods. You get up early, you go to bed early. Good night.

 (HE MAKES KISSING NOISES. HE LAYS DOWN AND SETTLES IN. WE SEE A BEAR WALK BY THE WINDOW)

AL	Oh, and I'm sleeping in tomorrow, so don't wake me up early. I want to get in a good
	thirty-seven hours.

 DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - MORNING
 SUPER: "DAY FOUR 11:30 A.M."
 (AL STRETCHES, SCRATCHES HIMSELF AND GETS OUT OF HIS SLEEPING BAG)

AL	What's today?

PEGGY	It's Thursday, Al.

AL	Did I miss anything?

PEGGY	Yes. You missed us making a simple porridge of wood, soot, and bug parts.

MARCY	And a chipmunk throwing itself against the window.

PEGGY	Yeah, that and Wednesday. That's about it.

KELLY	Daddy, we're starving to death.

BUD	And some of us are aging badly.

KELLY	Zip it, pimple farm. Daddy, do something.

AL	Well, it's too early to go to sleep. How's the car doing?

STEVE	Well, Al. You can still just about tell it's a Mercedes. Of course, the tires are flat
	but that's probably from the porcupine quills, and that cougar that went in through
	the sun roof only looks like he's driving. 'Cause I've got the keys. So I guess the
	laugh is on him.

BUD	(AT WINDOW) Dad, I don't know how much longer we can hold out. The beavers have cut
	down a tree and the moose has it mounted in his antlers and is charging toward the
	door.

MARCY	Oh, that's ridiculous.

 SFX: THUMP

MARCY	Oh, this is great.

AL	All right. Somebody has to take charge here. (TO GIRLS) I want you three to cut out
	this period stuff, right now.

STEVE	Al, please. They were fine until you woke up. Don't try and reason with them when
	they're like this.

MARCY	Like this? You want to know what this is, Steve? When we get our periods, our female
	hormone level drops. That gives the male hormones in our body a chance to run wild. So
	when we're like "this", we're like you.

AL	If that's true, then once a month, Peg should be able to earn a living.

BUD	Look! A car! It's a park ranger.

 (AL RUSHES TO WINDOW)

AL	Help! Help! Periods in here! (BEAT) He's stopping. He's getting out! (GLUM) Oh.

STEVE	What? What?

AL	He's running his key along the side of your Mercedes. Now he's getting back in his
	car and driving away.

 (STEVE RUNS TO WINDOW)

STEVE	My car! Sprayed, buffed, and keyed. It's just like taking it to the car wash.

 (MARCY STARTS TO CLEAN AND CRY)

MARCY	We're going to die and we're out of Windex.

KELLY	I want chocolate!

PEGGY	(SOTTO, SEXILY) Al, let's go into the bathroom and do it. C'mon. No one will know. Not
	even you.

AL	Steve, gimme the keys to the car. I'm gonna ride on the rims to the general store or
	Canada, whichever comes first.

STEVE	There are animals all over the car, Al.

AL	Yeah. But they're not on their periods. I'm gonna need a weapon. What've we got? 

 FLIP TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - LATER THAT DAY
 (AL WEARS A JACKET COVERED WITH PROTRUDING FISHHOOKS. HE HOLDS A CAN OF RAID. ON HIS HEAD HE
 WEARS MAKESHIFT ANTLERS FROM THE COATRACK. REMAINS OF THE RACK ARE ON THE FLOOR)

BUD	Dad, explain again why you need the Suit Of Many Hooks.

AL	Like the wily porcupine, I now have my armor of quills.

BUD	But unlike the wily porcupine, won't the animals stick to you?

AL	That's what the mighty horns are for, son. When one gets close, I lower my head in an
	aggressive manner. That should end the fight right there. And then I have my secret
	weapon. (HOLDS UP RAID) If all else fails, I spray 'em in the face with insect
	repellant.

PEGGY	So you're like the wily porcupine, the mighty moose, the smelly skunk and the idiot
	husband all rolled into one?

AL	That I am, Peg. Lock the door behind me. I'll be back with the Marines.

 (HE GIVES "THUMBS UP". HE OPENS THE DOOR)

AL	Bonzaii!!!

 (HE GOES OUT, SPRAYING AHEAD OF HIM. PEGGY CLOSES THE DOOR)

MARCY	(MATTER OF FACT) He's not gonna make it, you know.

PEGGY	It won't be the first time.

 (THEY ALL LOOK OUT THE WINDOW)

PEGGY	Well, he's made it through the mosquitos. He's hurdling a beaver. Go, Al, go. Oops.
	The wolf.

MARCY	I can't watch. I have to clean.

 (SHE STARTS TO CLEAN)

PEGGY	You really should see this, Marcy. The wolf is closing in. Al ducked behind a tree.
	(BEAT) He's stuck to the tree. Well, so much for his mighty quills. Wow, look at him
	shake. Uh oh, he's out of spray. He's lowering his head. So is the moose. Here he
	comes.

MARCY	Food! I found food.

 (THEY ALL RUSH FROM THE WINDOW AND GO TO MARCY, WHO HAS FOUND A STASH ON THE FLOOR BEHIND A
 TABLE. WE HEAR A HUGE THUMP)

 SFX: THUMP

AL	(O.S.) Oww!

KELLY	It's chocolate! We're saved.

AL	(O.S.) Help!

PEGGY	Get the opener.

 (WE HEAR THE DOOR TRYING TO OPEN)

AL	(O.S.) Let me in. Please.

 (THEY ALL START TO RIP OPEN THE FOOD. A BEAT, THEN WE SEE AL'S FACE, HORRIFIED, AT THE WINDOW.
 HE MIMES "HELP". HE SEES SOMETHING O.S. HE FRANTICALLY SHAKES HIS RAID CAN AND SPRAYS. THEN
 HE THROWS THE CAN AND RUNS. EVERYONE EATS HAPPILY. WE SEE A BEAR WALK BY THE WINDOW)

 DISSOLVE TO:


 ACT TWO

 SCENE FIVE

 INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - DAY
 SUPER: "DAY FIVE"
 (STEVE SITS IN A CORNER, EXHAUSTED, EATING BEEF JERKY. HE SADLY HOLDS THE MERCEDES EMBLEM. BUD
 SLEEPS WITH HIS THUMB IN HIS MOUTH. AL IS IN A HEAP, WITH A BANDAGE ON HIS HEAD, HIS ARM IN
 A SLING, AND HIS PANTS ARE IN SHREDS. THE COAT OF MANY HOOKS IS HANGING ON THE WALL. IT
 HOLDS FEATHERS, SOME FUR, A BUSH AND SEVERAL PINE CONES. AL HOLDS HIS HEAD)

AL	Thanks for inviting me, Steve. Where to next, buddy? Lion Country Safari? About twenty-
	eight days from now?

 (THE GIRLS ENTER FROM OUTSIDE WITH BASKETS OF WILDFLOWERS. THEY ARE HAPPY)

KELLY	I feel so much better.

PEGGY	Me, too.

MARCY	Guys, guess what? We saw two wrens make a nest.

AL	Did you happen to find the rest of my ear, too?

MARCY	You're not going to bring me down, "Mr. Cloudy Day".

PEGGY	Let's start packing. (TO AL) You have to go to work tomorrow.

 (AL AND STEVE START TO PACK)

PEGGY	You know, a week goes by so fast. (TO MARCY) Why don't we chip in and buy a little cabin
	like this so we can do this all the time? What do you say, guys?

 (AL AND STEVE STARE AT THEM A BEAT, THEN GO BACK TO PACKING)

PEGGY	(TO MARCY) What's their problem? They've been sourpusses all day. I don't understand
	men at all. After all, we're the ones who have the periods.

 (THEY SKIP OUT THE DOOR)

 FADE OUT:
 END OF ACT TWO