Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Uncle Irwin................King Kong Bundy
The Wanker Triplets........Milly, Elena, and Eadie Del Rubio
Uncle Otto ................James "Gypsy" Haake


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Peggy is in the kitchen, singing to herself as she sets napkins on the kitchen table. Al comes
 down the stairs and puts his hand on Peggy's shoulder. 

AL	Peg, you were great last night. You did what every man dreams his wife will do. You
	were asleep before I got home and you were out of bed before I woke up. How can I ever
	thank you?

PEGGY	You could stop eating beans before bed.

 Al walks over to the stove and sees pots on all four burners.

AL	[delighted] Hey, what's all this? I get breakfast, too? Oh, Peg!

 Al pats Peggy on the waist and sits at the kitchen table.

AL	Bring it on.

 Peggy sets salt and pepper in front of Al, as he unfolds a napkin.

AL	Ooh, spices, too? Do the kids know about this?

PEGGY	No...

AL	Good. Bring it on.

PEGGY	Uh, Al, honey...

AL	Yes, sweetheart?

PEGGY	[uneasily] Uh, before I serve you, I - I have some great news.

AL	Oprah Winfrey finally exploded?

 Peggy fakes hearty laughter.

PEGGY	No, Al. But that's so funny.

 Peggy puts her arms around Al.

PEGGY	You're just the greatest.

AL	Who's coming to stay with us, Peg?

 Peggy sits next to Al.

PEGGY	Uh, just my mother.

AL	Nooo!

PEGGY	And my uncles, Irwin and Otto.

AL	No! No!

PEGGY	And the Wanker triplets.

AL	No, no, no!

PEGGY	Oh, but Al, they're my aunts. They're no trouble.

AL	Peg, God only knows how old they are, and they sleep in the same bed. It's amazing: the
	Triplets sleep in one bed, and your mother sleeps in three.

PEGGY	Well, honey, they'll only stay for an undetermined period of time.

 Peggy smiles, gets up and walks over to the kitchen. Al follows her.

AL	Peg, now, this is the first three-day weekend I've had in a year. It's not like I'm
	gonna have a good time - you and the kids are gonna be there. But not the Wanker wagon
	from Milwaukee, Peg! Please, not that. "Hondo" is gonna be on this weekend. Now, that's
	some of the Duke's best work. It's never on TV. I've got a blank tape already. I wanna
	watch "Hondo", Peg. I want a clean tape of "Hondo".

PEGGY	No one is gonna interrupt you watching "Hondo".

AL	Remember when they were here last year? "Shane" was on. Just before it came on, Uncle
	Otto bet Uncle Irwin he couldn't stick his head through the TV. I didn't see "Shane"
	that year, Peg.

PEGGY	Well, I know, Al. But you saw the end from the emergency room.

AL	"Come back, Shane. Shane. Goodbye, Shane". That's all I saw, Peg. I didn't even see
	the credits, because your mother lumbered in front of the set. By the time her entire
	body chugged by it was morning.

PEGGY	You know, you should be nice to them, Al. After all, they're the only people in the
	world who think that what you do is skilled labor. Oh, what do you say, Al? Can my
	family come for a visit? 'Cause they're on their way.

AL	Ah, since you went to all this trouble [gestures at the set table], why not.

 Al sits down at the kitchen table and dabs at his mouth with a napkin.

AL	Alright, where's breakfast?

PEGGY	Gee, I don't know. I didn't cook anything.

 Al looks sad. We hear the sound of a metal object being dragged across the pavement outside.

AL	Well, that's the sound of the axel hitting the road.

 Al gets up and crosses to the door. Peggy follows him.

AL	Means one of two things: either everybody in China just jumped off a chair, or your
	family's here.

 Al looks out through one of the door windows.

AL	They brought the horse trailer. Your mom in there, Peg?

PEGGY	It's the only way that she can travel, Al.

 Al sits on the couch. Peggy opens the door. Uncle Otto, a prissy man with bleached hair and a
 ponytail, is standing outside.

PEGGY	[happily] Otto!

OTTO	[happily] Peggy!

 Otto and Peggy hug. Otto looks past Peggy at the living room.

OTTO	[disapprovingly] Your home still looks like a filth hole.

 Al makes a face and mimes Otto. Uncle Irwin, a bulky bald man, appears at the door.

PEGGY	[happily] Irwin!

IRWIN	[happily] Peg!

 Peggy hugs Irwin.

IRWIN	You've got a beautiful home.

 Irwin comes in. Al looks terrified. The Wanker triplets come in one after the other, each
 holding a guitar.

PEGGY	[happily announcing the Triplets as they enter] And Milly! Elena! Eadie!

TRPLTS	Hi, Peggy! We're triplets, you know. You look fabulous.

 Peggy reacts with joy.

PEGGY	Where's Mom?

OTTO	Oh, we're gonna have to leave her in the sun until she heats up and gets slippery.
	That way we won't have to damage the truck getting her out.

 Otto sits at the kitchen table next to Irwin.

OTTO	Somebody left the WD40 at home.

IRWIN	Somebody didn't put it on the list.

AL	[rubbing his temples] How am I doing? Oh, I'm pretty good, thank you for asking. Now,
	listen: before the festival of the inbreds starts, I want everybody to know that
	"Hondo" will be coming on.

 Al gets up and walks over to the kitchen table.

AL	During "Hondo", there will be [to Irwin] no belly-butting, no spitting for distance and
	[to Otto] no one running around with underwear on their heads.

IRWIN	[to Otto] We could have gone to a hotel.

 Bud and Kelly come down the stairs and see the guests.

BUD	[happily] Hey, look who's here! Uncle Irwin!

 Bud and Irwin hug.

BUD	[dutifully] Otto.

KELLY	Uncle Otto! You look great.

 Kelly and Otto hug and hold hands.

OTTO	And you, my darling - I could sell you.

BUD	Let me tell you what the going rate is.

 Kelly puts her arm around Bud.

KELLY	[to Otto] As you can see, Bud hasn't changed a bit. Same wit, same zit, same underwear.

PEGGY	Well, now that we're all together, how about a hootenanny?

 The Triplets raise their guitars. The kids and the uncles applaud. Al runs to the Triplets

AL	God, no, God, no, no, wait, wait, wait. No hootenanny. [to Peggy] See, I forgot to put
	that on the list.

 The Triplets start playing and singing "You Are My Sunshine".

PEGGY	Too late, Al!

TRPLTS	You are my sunshine / my only sunshine / you make me happy / when skies are gray

BK+OI+P	When skies are gray

TRPLTS	You'll never know dear / how much I love you

PEGGY	Just the boys!

BUD+IRW	Please don't take my sunshine away

PEGGY	Just the girls!

K+O+P	You'll never know dear / how much I love you / please don't take -

PEGGY	Just Al!

 Al remains silent.

TRPLTS	[after a beat] - my sunshine away.

 The song ends.

PEGGY	[clapping happily] Yay! Gee, just like the old days.

AL	Hm. Before music.

BUD	Uncle Irwin, are you gonna put your head through the TV again?

IRWIN	If you're good.

AL	Can I relax now?

 Al sits on the couch. The Triplets start singing "Good Hearted Woman". Al tries to block
 the sound with two pillows. Meanwhile, Peggy, the kids and the uncles enjoy the music. Al
 mimes shooting himself in the head. 

AL	Stop. Stop. Please stop.

 The Triplets stop singing and playing. Al gestures for them to come closer. They do.

AL	I'm not a Wanker, and you're killing me.

 The Triplets nod understandingly.

OTTO	Peggy, we're vamished.

 Uncle Irwin expresses agreement. Buck runs upstairs.

PEGGY	Al, how about taking us out to eat?

AL	Oh, what the hell. Kids, you didn't really want to go to college, did you?

KELLY	We'd rather eat.

 Irwin gets up.

IRWIN	[to Peggy] Well, if we're gonna go, we'd better get going, because once we unload your 
	mom, it's harder than hell to squeeze her back in. She kicks like a mule.

BUD	Uncle Irwin, are you gonna put your head in the salad bar again?

IRWIN	If you're good.

 Everyone starts to leave. Al and Otto are the last ones to leave.

OTTO	[looking Al up and down] You know, you're not good enough for our family.

 Otto leaves.

AL	You're right. I've never been up on a morals charge.

 Al leaves and closes the door behind him.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 Otto and Irwin are sitting at the kitchen table. Bud, Peggy and Kelly are standing behind
 them. All are watching Irwin eat fries. There are many empty fast food wrappers on the table
 in front of him.

P+K+B	999... 1000!

PEGGY	He did it!

 Peggy and the kids clap and applaud.

OTTO	Oh, nice example for the children, Irwin. Why don't you show them how to debone a cow
	while you're at it?

IRWIN	You've always been jealous of me.

OTTO	Oh, yes. I've always secretly wanted to be a beast of burden.

 Irwin and Otto get up and face each other threateningly.

PEGGY	Oh, now, now. Let's not spoil our good time. Now, make up, you two.

OTTO	Blowfish!

IRWIN	Squid!

 Irwin and Otto sit down.

PEGGY	That's better.

BUD	Hey, mom, are we gonna go down to the pony rides to see the look on the horses' face
	when Uncle Irwin chooses his mount?

 Peggy chuckles.

PEGGY	No, not today, honey. Ever since Daddy paid for lunch with his watch, he's - he's been
	sort of a crabapple.

IRWIN	I think he's mad at us.

KELLY	Oh, well, don't take it personally. Daddy always takes a noose with him into the
	bathroom.

PEGGY	Uh-oh. Daddy's in the bathroom? Mom's up there taking a bath. Well, maybe he won't
	notice.

 We hear Al scream offscreen. After a moment he appears at the top of the stairs. 

AL	Peg, I'm blind!

 Al blind-walks his way down the stairs.

PEGGY	Very funny, Al.

AL	No, really, Peg. I saw your mother naked and everything went black. I think my eyes
	were trying to protect my heart. Now I'm not gonna see "Hondo", Peg!

OTTO	Stop being a baby. It's only hysterical blindness. Happened to her doctor. It wears
	off eventually.

AL	[looking at Kelly's hair] Wait a second. I think it's starting to come back to me. I
	see shapes. I see... straw.

 Kelly turns her head and gives Al a dirty look.

AL	Oh. Kelly.

PEGGY	Al, we have to talk. 

AL	I'm broke and I'm blind, Peg. What else is there to talk about?

PEGGY	Well, you haven't been very nice to my family. 

AL	Well, neither has nature. Go bother it.

PEGGY	Now, Al, you know I don't ask much of you, because I know how severely limited you are.
	But please do me a favor and just say something to them.

AL	[to uncles] Go home. [to Peggy] Does that take care of it, Peg?

PEGGY	That's a nice start. Just show them that you care.

AL	[to uncles] Go home and drive safely.

PEGGY	Ask them how they're doing. For me, sweet'ums.

AL	That's all I have to do, Peg?

PEGGY	That's it.

AL	Okay. [to uncles] Otto, Irwin, how are you doing?

OTTO	We're desolate. [to Bud] We'll need the triplets.

BUD	I'll get them. I told them to sleep in Kelly's room. Her bed is used to having a lot of
	people on it.

KELLY	Well, I guess that means Irwin and Otto get to sleep on your bed, with the rotting
	rubber sheets.

 Otto crosses to Al.

OTTO	Al, I want to let you in on a little family secret.

AL	You're the fourth triplet?

OTTO	Well, I know everybody thinks that the family income is derived primarily from the still.

IRWIN	And the home yogurt business.

OTTO	Quiet, Mr. Pork-At-The-Bottom.

IRWIN	It'll catch on.

OTTO	Oh, please. [to Al] Anyhow, the Triplets add greatly to our income. 

AL	Uh, Otto, uh, excuse me. [to Kelly] Kelly, go upstairs.

 Kelly shakes her head.

OTTO	They sing. They sing at carnivals, beer fests... Last month they worked regular and
	cleared a neat 88.50.

IRWIN	Don't tell the IRS.

OTTO	Now something's happened that's threatened the act.

 The Triplets come down the stairs.

AL	They faced the audience?

 Otto crosses to the triplets.

OTTO	Elena, tell him what you want to do.

ELENA	I wanna marry.

AL	Somebody outside the family, right?

OTTO	Well, in Wanker county, nobody's really outside the family.

KELLY	Um, well, how about that boy John, who works at the feed store?

OTTO	Yeah. I guess he's family.

 Kelly clasps her forehead.

OTTO	[desperately] Will someone listen to me please? Peg, if Elena get married, the Triplets
	will be torn asunder. And worse: if she goes on a honeymoon, we'll lose seventeen
	gigs. That's $34 in change, interest will wane... my God, the public will forget! It
	happens! Look at Glenn Campbell.

 Peggy crosses to Al.

PEGGY	Oh, Al, don't let that happen.

AL	Well, gee, it's a little late, Peg. Glenn's career is what it is.

IRWIN	Al, you're a professional man. A shoe salesman.

 Peggy laughs upon hearing this.

IRWIN	If anybody can solve this, you can.

AL	Solve what?

OTTO	Should she marry or not?

AL	Peg, I'm not touching this, and I mean that in every sense of the word. Every time I
	get involved in one of your family's problems I always end up missing a good movie and
	getting called an idiot.

PEGGY	Well, not this time, Al. They need you. Look at their faces.

 We see the Triplets pouting.

AL	All right, I'll help, but I'm not looking at them. [to Elena] Elena, did you actually
	find someone willing to marry you?

TRPLTS	Yes.

AL	Then you have my blessing and he has my pity. Do it.

 The Triplets start to cry and run upstairs.

PEGGY	[to Al] God, you're an idiot.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Al is sitting on the couch. Peggy, Kelly, Irwin and Otto are around him, all looking at him
 accusingly.

PEGGY	You had to say something, didn't you, Al? You couldn't just say "I don't know", like
	you do when I ask you when you're gonna be done in the bathroom.

IRWIN	Why did we come to you?

OTTO	They could be up there crying their six eyes out.

KELLY	Oh, great. On my bed. Thank you so much, Daddy.

AL	That's it. I'm outta here.

 Al gets up and heads for the door.

PEGGY	Al, you can't leave during a family crisis.

AL	It's not a family. It's a lab experiment.

PEGGY	Where are you going?

 Al leaves without answering.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 The Rhoades are having a romantic evening in their living room. The lights are out and two
 candles are burning on the coffee table. Steve pours Marcy a glass of wine.

STEVE	I love these perfect times together. The wine is chilled, the candles are lit and we
	are a kiss away from magnificent, earth-shattering sex.

 Steve and Marcy touch glasses and are about to kiss when the doorbell rings.

MARCY	Ignore it. Whoever it is will go away.

 Steve and Marcy start to kiss but are interrupted by the doorbell ringing again.

AL	[O.S.] Hey, you guys. Open up. I know you're in there.

STEVE	This is a test of wills. I am not answering the door to that man.

 Steve and Marcy start to kiss again. The doorbell rings five times. Steve gets up and opens
 the door. Al comes in and turns the lights on.

AL	Oh, man. What a day.

 Al sits on the couch next to Marcy.

AL	Get me a beer, will you, Marcy?

 Marcy looks very irritated but complies.

STEVE	Al, we're trying to have a little romantic thing here.

AL	Well, go ahead. Don't worry about me. [shouting] Marcy, you got any tuna fish in there?

STEVE	Al, I was about to take her upstairs and you interrupted.

AL	[smiling] Then you owe me one.

 Marcy brings Al a beer.

AL	Uh, you got any pretzels?

 Marcy sighs and goes back to the kitchen.

AL	You might have been wondering why my house is tilting. Peg's relatives are in town. Six
	of them. Well, twelve counting her mother.

 Marcy returns.

MARCY	We're out of pretzels, Al. How about some lye?

 Al chuckles.

AL	No, thanks. Nah, I was just getting ready for a great weekend. Did you ever just want to
        be alone?

 Steve and Marcy nod together.

AL	Well, you know where I'm coming from. See, all I want to do is sit down and watch "Hondo"
	in peace. Did you ever try to watch something and have a bunch of in-laws drive you
	crazy?

STEVE	No, Al. That's where I'm lucky. Marcy's family is just a blessing.

 Steve kisses Marcy's head and sits in the small couch. Marcy sits on the couch's arm.

STEVE	'Course, her mother does leave little watered-up bits of Kleenex around wherever she
	goes, because of that one runny eye she has, but that's not her fault.

 Steve kisses Marcy's hand and holds it.

STEVE	[chuckling] What is her fault is she's too cheap to go to a doctor and get it fixed.

 Marcy lets go of Steve's hand angrily.

STEVE	No, she comes over here and complains incessantly about it while we try to eat, as if
	looking at it doesn't tell the whole story.

MARCY	That's enough, dear.

 Steve gets up.

STEVE	You know, she'll only eat eggs. We could have a turkey dinner set out, and you know
	what she does? She looks at it with her runny eye and says, "what, no eggs?". Everybody
	hates her.

 Steve sits next to Al. Marcy gets up and sits on Al's other side.

MARCY	[to Steve] Honey...

STEVE	God, she makes my skin crawl.

MARCY	Al, do you know the difference between Steve's mother and a bowling ball?

AL	What?

MARCY	A bowling ball doesn't have a beard.

STEVE	It's one hair. One hair does not make a beard.

MARCY	It does if it's six inches long and V-shaped.

STEVE	Well, at least her eye doesn't run like a toilet.

 The Rhoades are now leaning forward towards each other over Al, who appears to be enjoying
 the argument. The doorbell rings.

AL	Oh, relax, guys. I'll get that.

 Al gets up and crosses to the door. Steve also gets up and heads for the kitchen. Marcy
 follows him.

MARCY	Well, let's just talk about your uncle Mildred.

STEVE	Can't a man be a florist and still have some respect?

 Steve and Marcy disappear into the kitchen. Al opens the door to Peggy.

PEGGY	Al, you've gotta do something. The Triplets ran away!

AL	Why would all three of them run away?

PEGGY	Well, actually, only Elena ran away, but the other two went to keep her company. Oh,
	you've just got to find her!

AL	Well, Peg, I'm trying to have a quiet evening alone with friends.

 Steve and Marcy reemerge from the kitchen. Steve is holding a beer bottle.

STEVE	Well, at least I have a father.

MARCY	Oh, yeah. One who sold secrets to the enemy during the war.

STEVE	That was never proven.

PEGGY	Al, please...

AL	Oh, but "Hondo"'s coming on.

PEGGY	Well, we'll tape it. Just hurry. It's dark out there and the Triplets are out there
	alone!

AL	Oh, all right. [to the Rhoades] I gotta go, guys. Go on, get back to your romance.

 Al turns the lights off and leaves. We see Steve and Marcy sitting a good distance away from
 each other on the couch. Marcy has her back turned towards Steve.

STEVE	You know why you have such chicken legs, Marcy? It's because your mother eats all
	those eggs.

 Marcy throws a pillow at Steve.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Peggy and Otto are standing in the kitchen.

OTTO	[voice breaking] I'm desolate.

PEGGY	Oh, don't worry. Al will find them. I told him to drive around and think like triplets.

 Otto gives Peggy a strange look.

PEGGY	Now, look. Let's just do something to take our minds off this. Irwin, why don't you
	tell us about your record for rooster throwing?

 We see Irwin and the kids standing by the stairway.
 
IRWIN	Indoors or outdoors?

BUD	You know, Kelly has some indoor/outdoor records of her own. Why, she's so good, she's
	about to turn pro.

 Kelly puts her arm around Bud's shoulder.

KELLY	Bud's so cute. And to think he'll never be bald. He'll always have the hair on the
	palm of his hand.

 Bud examines his palm.

IRWIN	Cats and dogs, cats and dogs.

PEGGY	What are you talking about?

IRWIN	Oh, nothing. I was just hungry.

OTTO	Peggy, I'm sorry this didn't turn out to be such a good weekend for you. 

PEGGY	Oh, it's not so bad. I mean, after all, Al is out of the house, Mom finally stopped
	sweating from traveling, and Dad is, uh... where is Dad?

 Otto looks at Irwin accusingly.

IRWIN	He wasn't on the list.

OTTO	Neither was your enormous rump, but you brought that.

 Irwin and Otto face each other threateningly. The door opens and the Triplets are ushered in
 by Al.

AL	Come on, get in. Get in, now.

PEGGY	Oh, Al. You found them. Where were they?

AL	Down by the docks. It was just luck. We were all trying to sign up for the merchant
	marines. But did I miss "Hondo"? 'Cause that's the only reason we came home.

 Al sits on the couch to watch TV.

AL	[crying happy tears] You taped! I get to watch "Hondo"!

ELENA	What about my problem?

AL	Your lives are meaningless compared to "Hondo". Now, I want silence. Not a whinny,
	not a moo, not a peep. "Hondo" time.

 Al leans back and presses a button on the remote.

ANNOUN	[V.O.] Welcome to John Wayne Weekend.

 We see the TV from its front side. It is showing a "Western Classic Theater" logo.

ANNOUN	[V.O.] We proudly present his film "Hon-"

 The broadcast is cut off and replaced by footage of Otto and Irwin standing in the Bundy
 living room.

IRWIN	[on TV] I don't know about this. Al's gonna be mad.

OTTO	[on TV] Oh, who cares about him? Let's tape this for Peggy. Besides, we'll be long gone
	before he sees it. Now, don't forget to hide that tape so that buffoon doesn't find it.

IRWIN	[on TV] That's insulting. What do you think I'm gonna do, just leave it in the machine?

IRW+OTT	[on TV, singing] You are so beautiful to me.

 Al glares at Irwin and Otto.

OTTO	[to Irwin] You didn't hide it, did you?

 Irwin hangs his head.

PEGGY	Oh, Al. Why don't you do sweet things like that?

OTTO	Okay, I'll be the one to say it. The Duke is dead. Now, let's move on to the living.

 Otto crosses to the Triplets.

OTTO	Have you girls come to your senses yet about this marriage?

 Elena nods while the other two shake their heads.

OTTO	I'm devastated.

 Otto crosses to Irwin.

OTTO	[to Irwin] This is your fault. You're the one that invited her fiance to the house.

IRWIN	We were gonna roll him!

OTTO	Look what happened. And you never even got his wallet. Or did you?

 Irwin hangs his head. Otto swats at him twice. Irwin gets angry and starts choking Otto. Al
 gets up.

AL	That's it. Sit down. Everybody sit down, 'cause I'm taking charge now. Peg, kids, go
        upstairs, 'cause I'm solving everybody's problems now.

 The others all do as they were asked.

AL	Everybody, move close together, and say...

 Al gets a rifle from the closet.

AL	"Swiss cheese"!

 Al aims the rifle at Peggy's relatives. Dissolve to:
 Al is sitting at the set kitchen table next to Peggy like in the opening scene, smiling wildly.

PEGGY	Al?

 Al snaps out of his daydream.

PEGGY	Honey, you're sweating, and you haven't answered me yet. Is it okay if my family comes
	for a visit?

 The doorbell rings before Al has a chance to answer.

PEGGY	Well, it doesn't really matter what you say. Besides, how bad can it be?

 Irwin sticks his head through the door.

IRWIN	We're here!



THE END