Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison...........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog.............Buck 

Guest cast:

David Leisure............Bink Winkleman
Catherine Rusoff.........Mona Squab
Geoff Pierson............Roland Squab
Jessie Scott.............The Lovely Zelda




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Peggy is reading a magazine at the dining table.
 Al comes downstairs, and has to step over Buck to approach Peggy.

AL)    Hey Peg, what's for breakfast?

PEGGY) Nothing.

AL)    We had that yesterday... but you sure know how to make it. [Al kisses Peggy then goes into
       the kitchen and picks up an apple] Whose mail did the mailman bring by mistake today?

PEGGY) Steve and Marcy's. They get such good magazines. [Peggy points to the magazine that she
       was reading] Should we keep their Architectural Digest?

AL)    Ah, why not? [Al sits next to Peggy at the dining table] It'll impress Steve and Marcy
       when they see it on our couch. [Peggy laughs as she cuts away the Rhoades' address label
       from the magazine] What else did we get?

PEGGY) Well, [picks up a letter] here's a letter from Steve's friend in West Germany that he
       plays chess with. Oh look, it's Steve's turn. Let's see, I think I'll move the Queen over
       here... where no one else is. I know that's where I'd like to be.

AL)    Since you're doing your life, why don't you lay the king down and have those two horses
       run back and forth over him?

PEGGY) One move at a time, Al.

AL)    [picks up a letter] Hey, look at this! Steve and Marcy got invited to fill out an
       application for some new TV game show, 'How Do I Love Thee?'

PEGGY) Oh, that's that game show for newly weds. Yeah, it's coming to Chicago for one week only.
       We'll keep that, we'll have fun filling it out for 'em.

 Peggy goes into the living room.

AL)    [picks up another letter] Hey, look at this! Steve and Marcy's phone bill is 200 dollars.
       What a pair of morons to spend that much time on the phone. Look, there must be a hundred
       calls to 976-numbers. What losers!

PEGGY) That's our phone bill, Al.

 Al is dumb-struck as he looks at Peggy.
 Bud and Kelly come downstairs.

BUD)   Hey Mom, my clothes, they smell... clean!

KELLY) ...And my sweater, you can tell what color it is.

BUD)   Yeah look, you got the grass stains of the back.

KELLY) I told you, I fell.

AL)    That's it kids. Let's hear it for your mom. We're always quick to criticise her when she
       doesn't wash, or cook, or clean, or scrub, or... well, let's face it, she does nothing.
       [Al walks over to Peggy] But you gotta admit, after all these years, she finally found a
       way to get our clothes clean.

 Al kisses Peggy.
 The door bell rings, Peggy opens the door to Marcy.
 Mercy enters carrying a laundry basket. She is dressed like a washer woman.

MARCY) Here's your laundry. I'm sorry it took so long, but Al's shorts were particularly tricky
       today.

 Marcy puts the basket on the coffee table.

KELLY) Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades! [Kelly hugs Marcy]

BUD)   Good work, Mrs. Rhoades! [Bud flips Marcy a coin]

 Marcy puts the coin in her pocket.

MARCY) Look Peggy, I know your washing machine is broken, but when I offered to help, sixteen 
       days ago, I thought Al would've fixed it by now.

PEGGY) Yeah, me too! But then, I just gave up. I'll get you today's load, Marce.

 Peggy picks up the basket of clean laundry from the coffee table.
 Marcy notices a magazine on the coffee table.

MARCY) Oh, you get Architectural Digest? [Marcy picks up the magazine and flicks through the
       pages] We used to; I wonder what happened?

PEGGY) Well, maybe you should re-subscribe. It's an excellent magazine.

 Peggy snatches the magazine from Marcy and gives her a basket of dirty laundry.
 The door bell rings.

PEGGY) You wanna get that, Marcy?

 Marcy carries the basket with her as she goes to answer the door. Steve walks in. He is wearing
 70's style clothes.

STEVE) Marcy, before I go to work... I was just wondering, you think you could find some time to
       do any of my laundry?

MARCY) [annoyed] Look Steve, I have a job too, you know!

STEVE) I'm putting a stop to this, right now! I thought I hit a new low yesterday, when I went to 
       work in my Nehru jacket, but I obviously was mistaken.

Steve takes the basket from Marcy and dumps it on the Bundy's couch.

STEVE) Take your own crusted laundry, beat it against a rock, but keep it out of our house!

AL)    But our washing machine's broken.

STEVE) No, it isn't. It's married to me, and I'm taking it back.

AL)    Hey Steve, what do you want us to do? Start paying for the detergent?

STEVE) [to Marcy] They weren't paying for detergent??

MARCY) Well, I felt uncomfortable asking.

STEVE) [to the Bundys] Well, the free ride is over. Hey, here's a radical thought; why don't you
       take your laundry to the laundromat, and do it yourself?

PEGGY) [laughs] I'm not going to the laundromat!

STEVE) Then, why don't you get a new washing machine?

AL)    Gee Steve, I'm a little short this week - I got my pay check.

 Peggy nods in agreement.

MARCY) [to Steve] Well, maybe we could loan them the money -

 Steve puts his hand over Marcy's mouth to silence her.

STEVE) [to The Bundys] Excuse us. [to Marcy] No, please! Money is important to me. They are not.

MARCY) Steve, it's only 500 dollars. It's worth it. Have you seen their laundry?

STEVE) Marcy, I'm putting my foot down - that is, If it's okay with you. [Marcy nods her
       agreement] That 500 dollars is going for a... Super VHS... for the bedroom.

MARCY) [excited] Oh, Steve!

STEVE) It was going to be a surprise.

MARCY) You're wonderful. [glances back at the Bundys] To hell with them.

 Steve and Marcy start to leave.

AL)    Could we have a loan from your bank?

 Steve and Marcy laugh out loud, as they leave.

AL)    Gee, I hate them.

PEGGY) Well, so much for clean clothes.

AL)    Peg, I didn't wanna say this in front of them ,but... you could go to the laundromat.

PEGGY) Oh, be serious, Al! Now, what are we gonna do?

AL)    Well, I'll tell you one thing, they're not getting their mail from me. I know! Why don't
       we burn their application to the game show?

PEGGY) You know, Al, they give away prizes on those shows.

AL)    Haha, even better! They won't get anything now.

PEGGY) No, honey, I mean, "prizes", You know, like washing machines!

AL)    Peg, they don't need one.

PEGGY) Listen, Machiavelli. All we have to do is fill out that application as Steve and Marcy,
       put our address down as their address and get on the show.

AL)    Yeah, maybe we could win a washer/dryer?

PEGGY) Wow! That's much better than my idea of going on the show, losing and coming home with
       nothing.

AL)    You know someone's gotta do the thinking for us, Peg.



ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 The scene changes to the game-show set of "How do I love thee". Theme music plays.
 The Host [Bink Winkleman] runs onto the stage and introduces the show.

BINK)  Hello there, and welcome to 'How do I love thee?'. The game show that dares to ask; 'How
       do I love thee?'. For those of you who're totally ignorant of today's superstars, I'm Bink
       Winkleman. [Only one member of the audience applauds] Thank you! And here's our own little 
       piece of fluff that the network thrust upon me, The Lovely Zelda. 

Zelda enters to a rapturous applause.

BINK)  Yes, soon to be appearing naked in Squish Magazine. Now, just a little reminder of what
       we're all about: We take two newly married couples and find out how much they're willing
       to torture their loved ones for cheap prizes. Sound good? You betcha! Then let the games
       begin!

ZELDA) Right, Bink!

BINK)  OK. Now, let's meet our loving couples. First, from Carl Lake Wisconsin, they've been
       married sixteen months, he's a TV repair man, she's a directory assistance operator. Meet
       Roland and Mona Squab!

 Roland and Mona enter and kiss.

BINK)  And their opponents from Chicago Illinois, married thirteen months, he's a banker, she's a 
       bankette. Meet lovebirds, Steve and Marcy Rhoades!

 Al and Peggy appear on stage. Peggy is very excited and runs around like a headless chicken,
 blowing kisses to the applauding audience.
 Al stands next to Zelda and gazes at her.

AL)    [to Zelda] God, I love you.

 Bink escorts Al away from Zelda.

BINK)  Come on now, Mr. Rhoades, leave The Lovely Zelda alone. Who knows where she's been? Okay,
       any questions before we get to our game?

PEGGY) Oh yeah. Hey Bink, do you know Bob Barker?

BINK)  Oookaay! Let's play "How do I love thee?"! Lovely Zelda, would you take our wives over to
       the love test area?

ZELDA) Right, Bink!

 Mona and Roland passionately kiss each other.

MONA)  We can't bare to be apart.

BINK)  Mr. Rhoades, would you like to kiss your wife goodbye?

AL)    Only if it really was goodbye.

 The wives follow Zelda to the test area.

BINK)  OK, husbands. We know you love your little fillies, but let's see how much you love our
       first little prize. What's the prize, Lovely Zelda?

 Zelda enters the stage from behind a curtain. She is carrying a red bowling ball.

ZELDA) It's a bowling ball, Bink! A pretty one.

 Zelda has difficulty getting past the curtain to leave the stage.

BINK)  OK, hubbies, let's earn those balls.

 Bink takes the husbands over to the test area.
 Peggy and Mona are strapped to separate, large wheels.

BINK)  Now, the man who's willing to set aside his love and spin his wife the fastest wins the
       ball.

PEGGY) [nervously] Ah, Steve, remember, honey, you already have a bowling ball.

AL)    [enthusiastically] Ready to spin, Bink!

BINK)  Now, remember the coin toss, Steve. Roland won the right to go first. 
       [Bink turns to Roland] Roland!

 Roland moves closer to Mona.

MONA)  [to Roland] It's for a bowling ball, dear. You deserve it.

 Roland starts to spin the wheel, but stops it and then turns it back. Roland goes over to Bink.

ROLAN) I couldn't bare to see her up there, Bink.

BINK)  You came to play, Roland! [Bink moves over to Al] Steve, do you think you can beat one
       quarter of a turn?

AL)    [gleefully] Well, let us see, shall we??

PEGGY) [extremely worried] Ooh ooh, Steve, it won't take much to win now! All you have to do is
       spin me... [Al spins the wheel with all his might and the wheel spins excessively
       fast] ...Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

BINK)  Whoa! You really like bowling, hey Steve?

 Peggy is still screaming while spinning on the wheel.

AL)    Ah, what the hell, it's all for fun, right? [impatiently] Gimme my bowling ball!

BINK)  It looks like Marcy is going to be spinning for a while, so why don't we take a little
       commercial break? Don't go away! I know Marcy won't.

 Al and Bink smile and wave at the camera as the show enters a break.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 A bored Bink is surprised by the sudden return to the game show after the commercial break.

BINK)  Looks like Marcy's off the wheel. Let's bring her out.
       [Peggy staggers on to the stage]
       Over this way, Marcy! 
       [Peggy finally makes her way over to Al, then tries to strangle him] Come on now, kids.
       [Bink has to pull Peggy away from Al] Marcy, your chance is coming up right now!
       Lovely Zelda, would you like to take our husbands backstage?

ZELDA) Right, Bink!

 Al puts his arm around Zelda. When Roland approaches, Al quickly steps to the other side of
 Zelda, to keep him away.

ROLAN) Bink, Steve won't let me touch The Lovely Zelda.

BINK)  Well then, YOU won't be at the clinic getting a shot. Okay, Lovely Zelda, would you like
       to show our ladies what they'll be competing for?

ZELDA) It's this lovely watch!

 Zelda holds up her right arm to show the watch, but she realises, too late, that the watch is
 actually on her left arm.

BINK)  You gotta wonder what she'd do if it was a lovely hat. Alright ladies, would you like that 
       watch?

MONA)  It's swell, Bink!

BINK)  Marcy?

PEGGY) Oh, Bink, that's the prettiest watch I've ever seen. All my life I've wanted a watch like
      that. [aggressively] Nail him to the wheel, Bink!

BINK)  No wheel this time, Marcy. Lovely Zelda, the curtain if you please.

 The curtains open to reveal two beds. Al and Roland are lying across their beds with a mattress
 on top of them. Only their heads and feet are visible.

BINK)  We call this 'A Heavy Problem'. Lovely Zelda, would you bring out the fat women, please?

 Zelda leads a convoy of fat women onto the stage.

BINK)  Now, the idea here is this: Your wives will determine how many of these full figured women 
       will get to sit on top of you.

AL)    We quit, Bink!

PEGGY) Pour 'em on, Bink!

BINK)  Remember, the wife that cries 'uncle' first, loses her chance at the watch.

MONA)  But Roland could be hurt.

BINK)  That's what we're here for!

PEGGY) [to the audience] Do we wanna talk, or do we wanna squash the men?

 The audience yell out "SQUASH!".

BINK)  [to Al] You're a lucky man. 
       [to the wives]  All right ladies, you're in charge. Mona, go for it!

 Mona looks at the fat women, then turns to Bink.

MONA)  But Bink, they're so... large!

BINK)  God, you're dull. [turns to Peggy] All right, Marcy, you wanna show her how it's done?

PEGGY) You betcha, Bink. Start the herd!

 Peggy helps pile the fat women onto Al's bed. Bink counts the weight as each woman gets onto the 
 bed.

BINK)  That's one ton! That's two tons! That's three tons!

PEGGY) Oh, oh, oh!

AL)    A, ah, ah!

PEGGY) Gee! This is so much fun. [Peggy invites all the women to get on the bed] Come on, gals!

AL)    Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

BINK)  How'ya doing down there, Steve?

AL)    I can taste my spleen!

 The weight display above Al's bed, reads: 1,071lbs.

BINK)  Well, Mrs. Rhoades, it looks like you've won the watch.

PEGGY) Oh, ha, ha, ha! [looks at the studio camera] Hi Mom!

 Peggy hugs and kisses Bink's cheek.

BINK)  You wanna go for the record?

PEGGY) Why not, Bink?

BINK)  Here comes Bertha!

 Al gapes at the sight of Bertha, as her shadow envelops him.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 The game show is re-joined after all the competitive stages are over.

BINK)  Well, it's time to bid adieu to the Squabs. Good bye, Squabs!

ROLAN) We lost, Mona.

MONA)  I don't care, sweetheart. I just couldn't bare the thought of you in the killer bee booth.
       [as they leave, Mona turns to Peggy] By the way, you're an excellent player.

PEGGY) Well, we can always use another toaster.

BINK)  Well, Mrs. Rhoades, before we total up your prizes, let's just see if your husband is
       conscious yet. Lovely Zelda!

 Zelda brings Al onto the stage. Al's hands are bandaged and he has several plasters on his face.

BINK)  How are you feeling, Mr. Rhoades?

 Al has difficulty speaking, due to his injuries.

AL)    My phung is a fiffle phollen from phee phings, Phink.
       (My tongue is a little swollen from bee stings, Bink.)

BINK)  Well, let's take a moment here to find out a little bit about you. So, Steve, you're in
       the bank biz, what's it like?

AL)    How the hell would I know?

BINK)  Wooo, irritable. Marcy?

PEGGY) Well, mostly we take out these big fancy ads telling people to come in for a loan, and
       then we laugh at them when they do. Now what we win?

BINK)  Let's see, you won the bowling ball, the watch and of course your record breaking stay in
       the Killer Bee Booth, netted you a toaster! But more importantly, you're entitled to this
       week's grand prize, which is a washer/dryer!

 Peggy becomes ecstatic.

PEGGY) Oooh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

 Peggy squeezes Al's bandaged hands.

AL)    Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

BINK)  Happy, Steve?

AL)    Well, it's kinda hard to talk here, Bink.

BINK)  OK. Marcy, you can take your prizes and go home right now, or you can risk what you've won 
       so far, and send your husband back into our torture chamber and go for our Super Grand
       Prize!

PEGGY) What is it? What is it? What is it?

BINK)  This brand new car!

 Peggy runs over to a new, red car and sits in the driving seat.

PEGGY) Ooooh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ooooh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ooooh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
       ha! Ooooh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ooooh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

AL)    Why don't you just give her a rifle and have her shoot me?

BINK)  Too easy, Steve. Now remember, If you lose - you lose everything, but if you win - you win 
       everything! What do you think Marcy'll do?

 Peggy is lying on the hood of the car, kissing the windshield.

PEGGY) I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it.

AL)    Gee Bink, I don't know.

PEGGY) We'll risk it, Bink.

BINK)  She's some competitor, hey folks!? Ready, Steve?

AL)    What's it gonna be, Bink: The old hand grenade down the pants, A spear in the pelvis,
       impale me on a fence? [Peggy stands next to Al] Come on Bink, don't keep me in suspense,
       The wife needs a new car!

BINK)  OK, Steve. You and Marcy are going to be going up against an old married couple, that may
       not love each other as much as you and your bride. As always, we've picked them from our
       studio audience, for the way they filled out our questionnaire; "Why I Hate My Spouse".
       From right here in The Windy City, he's a shoe salesman, she's a waste of a human life,
       married sixteen years, meet Al and Peggy Bundy!

 Steve and Marcy enter as Al and Peggy.

BINK)  Bundys, meet the Rhoades.

 Peggy and Steve shake hands.

STEVE) [talking through his teeth] So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?

PEGGY) How did you find out?

STEVE) Haha. Your kids sold you out for a square meal.

 Kelly and Bud are amongst the audience. They are still eating.

MARCY) [to Peggy] How could you?

PEGGY) For prizes.

BINK)  All right, now that you wished each other good luck. Gentlemen, to your electric chairs!

 Al stands agog, then marches over to the electric chair and sits down.

AL)    I welcome death!

MARCY) [worried] Steve, I didn't know they had electric chairs!

STEVE) [brave determination] Doesn't matter, Marcy. Juice me till I'm ash! They're not getting
       that car.

 Steve sits in his electric chair and puts on an electrode helmet. Steve looks over at Al.

STEVE) See you on the other side, Rhoades.

BINK)  All right, ladies. Now, when you're turning up the dials, remember, ease it up or you'll
       kill them. Now, the one who cranks the most juice into her hubby gets to drive off in that
       car. And kids, remember; Don't try this at home. [to Peggy and Marcy] Ready!?

MARCY) That car is ours!

PEGGY) You'll get that car over Al's dead body.

BINK)  All right ladies, we'll alternate. Peggy, would you start us off?

 Marcy turns the dial to 30.

STEVE) Aaaaah! More!

BINK)  Marcy!

 Peggy turns the dial to 35.

AL)    Uuuuuh! Less!

BINK)  We have thirty here, thirty-five here. Do I hear forty?

MARCY) I don't think I can.

STEVE) A woman's place is in the home!

 Marcy reacts to Steve's statement by turning up the dial to 80.

BINK)  EIGHTY! Hey audience, look at him twitch!

MARCY) I won't go any higher.

BINK)  [to Peggy] Will you?

AL)    Noooo!

PEGGY) Oh, come on, honey, it's for a car.

 Peggy turns the dial up to the 120 limit.

AL)    Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!



ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Bud, Kelly and Peggy enter their living room through the front door. The room is in darkness.

BUD)   What a car!

KELLY) I can't wait to drive it!

PEGGY) [shouts outside] Oh come on, Al. Stop sulking and get on in here.

 Al staggers into the living room, his hair is standing on end. As he passes a tablelamp, it
 lights up - without having been switched on. The same thing happens when he passes another lamp.
 Al sits down on the couch, and as he does so, the TV switches itself on.

BUD)   [commenting on Al's new ability] Wow, it's so rad!

KELLY) How long is he going to be able to do that?

PEGGY) Well, we're not really sure... but don't give him any water. Okay kids, who want's to go
       for a ride in the new car?

 Kelly and Bud answer simultaneously.

KELLY) I do!
BUD)   Me!

 Peggy, Kelly and Bud leave.
 Al waves his arm in the air, the TV and the lights switch themselves off.


THE END



Directed by Linda Day
Written by Ellen L. Fogle
Created by Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye.
Associate Producer - Barbara Blachut Cramer

Story Editor - Ellen L. Fogle, Ralph Farquhar
Casting - Tammara Billik
Executive In Charge of Casting - Tim Flack
'Love and Marriage' music and lyrics by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen
Music Supervision - Michael Andreas
Art Director - Bernard Vyzga
Associate Director - Gerry Cohen
Stage Managers - Richard Draney and Stephanie Scott
Production Associate - Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator - Susan Jang
Unit Manager - Bob Piatak
Technical Manager - Horace Scott
Production Services Co-ordinator - Tony Neely
Technical Director - Jim Ralston
Lighting Director - Mark Levin
Audio - Jan Hoag
Videotape Editor - Larry Harris
Re-Recording - Blaine Stewart, Craig Porter
Costumes - Marti Masamitsu
Property Master - Michael Semon
Make-up - Sue Forrest-Chambers
Hair Stylist - Dottie McQuown
Production Supervised by Fran McConnell
Production Consultants Deborah Curtan, Eduardo Cervantes
Videotaped at ABC Television Center in Hollywood
Copyright (c) 1988 Embassy Communications
All Rights Reserved.
In Charge of Production - Ken Stump
Columbia Pictures Television - A Sony Pictures
Entertainment Company.