TRANSCRIPT:
0218
THE GREAT ESCAPE
Regular Cast:
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike....................Buck The Dog
Guest Cast:
Pest Controller.........Cliff Bemis
Jade....................Teri Weigel
Trish...................Barbara Belmonte
Heather.................Hope Marie Calton
Jackie..................Kim Anderson
Mitzi...................Barbara Schillaci
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
The Bundy living room.
Al is sitting on the couch watching TV.Bud is on the phone.<
BUD: [on phone] Hello Carol, Bud Bundy here. [Carol hangs up and Bud’s smile disappears]
Hello!?
Bud re-dials.
BUD: [on phone] Hello Carol, don’t hang up. I got tickets to the concert... Yes it’s Bud
Bundy... Yup, whatdya say to a couple of premo seats to the Jimmy Dick and The Night
Sticks concert Saturday?... Well, yeah you’d have to go with me... I think it’s worth
it too... Good, good. Whats say I pick you up at eight? Ciao baby.
Bud hangs up the phone.
BUD: So many women so little time.
Bud walks over to the couch to join Al.
AL: No, not me. I got one woman, too much time.
BUD: I’m not really interested, Dad. Listen, I really wanna impress this girl, so could you
drive me? Oh and could you wear one of those stupid chauffeurs hats? And put something
under your arm so it looks like you're packing a rod.
Peggy comes down stairs.
PEGGY: Why Bud? What your father's got under there already is far more lethal. Al, the termite
control man would like to speak to you.
Al gets up and heads towards the stairs.
AL: Oh why? I keep tellin’ you we don’t have termites.
As Al reaches the bottom of the stairs he grabs hold of the wooden banister and it
comes away in his hand.
AL: [holding up the rotten banister] It’s just the house settling.
Al and Peggy head up stairs.
Kelly enters.
BUD: Kel, did you get the tickets for the concert?
KELLY: I sure did. [she holds up the tickets] And backstage passes.
BUD: Alright Kel, you’re a goddess.
The both move into the kitchen.
BUD: Gimme my tickets.
KELLY: Oh, I decided not to get you any. See it was either use your money to get four regular
concert tickets or to get two tickets and two back stage passes for me. So I’m taking
my ugly friend Mandy, that way Jimmy will only look at me. I’m so happy.
BUD: [smiling] Well Kel, I’m happy for you. But... [changes to angry] what the hell about
me!?
KELLY: Oh Bud, I’m gonna meet Jimmy Dick! He’s got a house in Jamaica. Do you know what I’d
do for a house in Jamaica?
BUD: Yeah, the same thing you’d do for dinner and a movie.
They both move to the dinner table and sit down.
BUD: Getting back to my petty problem. See, I finally gotta date with a girl who has a
waist. I’ve never had waist before. I gotta have some place to take her.
KELLY: Come on Bud, I’m sure there’s plenty of places you could take her instead. I know, the
Peanuts Gang On Ice is in town.
BUD: You know I’ll devote the rest of my life to get revenge on you.
KELLY: Well I’m not too worried, see I’ll always have the smell of Clearasil to warn me you're
coming.
Al and Peggy come down stairs.
AL: How can we have termites? Hey kids, didn’t I tell ya to wipe your feet before you come
into the house? Now look we have termites.
Al moves into the lounge to sit down.
Peggy moves over to the dining table to join Bud and Kelly.
PEGGY: Now kids, don’t be ashamed, even the finest homes have termites. Of course they get
them from homes like ours.
Peggy goes to join Al.
BUD: Hey Kel, Dad’s in a real bad mood, be on your best behavior. The least little thing
could get you grounded.
KELLY: Don’t worry, I cleaned up my room, I did all my chores. I’m untouchable.
Bud pats Kelly’s arm.
BUD: [to Al] Hey Dad, report card day.
Kelly looks shocked.
BUD: I got four ‘A’s and a ‘B’. But enough about me. [he turns to Kelly] Batter up.
KELLY: I err... I lost it.
BUD: Well... [taking a report card from his pocket] This is your lucky day [he holds up
the card] ‘cause I found it. Must of fallen out of your purse and accidentally got
taped under your bed.
Kelly tries to snatch the report card but Bud is much too quick. Bud runs over to Al and Peggy
and hands the card to Al.
BUD: How’d she do?
Al opens the card and reads it.
AL: Uh, erm... F, F, F, D. What happened Kel you attend one?
Kelly shrugs.
PEGGY: Kelly this is the worst one yet. Now we are gonna have to think of a punishment for
this.
BUD: [to Al] Hey, I’m sure you’ll think of somethin’. [to Kelly] Oh! By the way, have a good
time at that concert Saturday, Kel.
AL: Concert!! You think that you’re going to a concert this weekend? No way, you’re
grounded.
KELLY: Grounded!?
Peggy gets up and walks over to Kelly.
PEGGY: Kelly you’ve got to learn responsibility. Honey, would you like to see some of your
father's old report cards? He didn’t think studying was important either. Now look at
him.
BUD: Well Mom, you’re right of course, but won’t you re-consider? I mean I just know Kelly
will study for Monday’s math test right after the concert.
PEGGY: [to Kelly] You have a math test Monday?
BUD: Damn my loose lips.
PEGGY: Kelly?
KELLY: Oh come on. I mean when am I ever gonna need to know math?
BUD: Well you may need it for your career. You know, three whoppers, large fries and a
coke.
The pest controller shouts from upstairs.
PC: [o.s.] Whoa! Mr Bundy more news from on the termite front.
AL: [getting up] Ahh! Let me guess, a termite slipped in the tub, broke his wing and he’s
suing us.
PEGGY: Well on the good side he can’t get much.
Al and Peggy head upstairs.
BUD: Kel, I know what you're thinking. ‘What am I gonna do with those tickets?’ Well since I
got you grounded I’ll take them off your hands.
KELLY: You think that for one second I’m gonna stay here and study when I’m just a paternity
suit away from Jamaica? Oh no, Budrick, no. I’m sneaking out. I do it all the time, no
house can hold me and you are not going to tell on me.
BUD: You can count on me Kel.
KELLY: Oh I know I can, because you see I happen to know the true identity of the masked
lovers lane peeper.
Bud looks worried.
KELLY: You know, the one the whole football team has a bounty on.
BUD: You... You have no proof.
KELLY: Oh?
Kelly moves over to the chest of drawers and takes out a ski-mask and a flashlight.
KELLY: Then err... What would you call this mask and flashlight?
BUD: I just looked.
Al, Peggy and the pest controller come down the stairs.
PC: So Mr Bundy we tent this baby up and in just a couple of days, adios termites.
AL: Oh yeah. Well how much will it cost to tent this baby up?
PC: Just a second.
The pest controller takes a calculator from his pocket and starts to add up.
PC: Now let’s see. We’re err... we’re gonna need the special tent.
AL: Special tent? For what?
PC: Well you know your house is shaped oddly.
AL: You mean like a house?
PC: Yeah, too bad. Now let’s see you got floors, that’s extra. You got rooms, that’s
extra.
PEGGY: And windows too.
PC: Whoa-ho.
Al gives Peggy a look.
PC: Now you got an attached garage so I’ll give you 10% off, but then it is another room
so that’s extra.
The pest controller taps all of this into his calculator.
PC: ...plus gratuity. That comes to $1750.
AL: Listen, we’ll think about it, we’ll let you know.
PC: Okay, but be quick, our price goes up next week. I’m gettin’ my license.
PEGGY: Kelly, you see what happens when you study? [points to the pest controller] 1750 a job.
[points at Al] 1750 a year. [points to the pest controller] Yes. [points at Al] No.
[points at the pest controller] Winner. [points at Al] Loser.
AL: [pointing to himself] Suicide. [points to Peggy] Reason.
PC: Listen I can err... squeeze you in on Saturday.
PEGGY: Saturday’s fine.
KELLY: [shocked] Saturday?
PEGGY: Is a check okay?
PC: [looking around the house] No.
The pest controller leaves.
AL: Ah that’s just great. $1750 for a tent to put over a house. Listen, why don’t we just
borrow one of your mother’s muumuus.
Al sits on the couch.
AL: Hell if she doesn’t wash it we won’t have to pay for the poison either.
Peggy sits next to Al.
PEGGY: Well since they’re gonna be spraying the house with pesticides the kids and I will
have to find some place to stay.
Kelly runs over to Al and Peggy.
KELLY: I can stay at my friend Mandy’s.
AL: Er, forget it Kelly. Your grounded this weekend, you’re staying with the family and
studying.
Kelly goes back to the kitchen.
AL: Now let’s see, we need a place to stay that’s cheep and comfortable and accepts pets.
[thinks for a second] I got it, we’ll sleep in the shoe store.
PEGGY: Oh honey, please reconsider. There’s still time to get four cardboard boxes and sleep
in the junk yard.
AL: Na, it’s too much like staying at your mother’s.
Al stands and walks into the kitchen.
AL: Na, the shoe store’s better and safer. Once I lock it up nobody can get in.
BUD: [to Kelly] Or out.
ACT TWO
SCEENE ONE
The shoe store.
Al is sitting on the stool happily stroking the foot of a very attractive customer [Jade]. She
stares at Al but Al continues to stroke her foot and smile.
JADE: Oh sir. It’s been ten minutes, don’t you think you should get me a shoe?
AL: That’s an all too common mistake in the shoe biz miss. Ya see us real pros understand
the need of holding a foot, getting a good look at the leg [Al ogles her leg] so we
know what we’re dealin’ with. I hope you’re not too uncomfortable?
JADE: Well actualy, It turns me on.
A new customer comes in and stands behind Al, but we can only see her from the waist down.
AL: We’re closed.
The new customer sits, crosses her legs and starts to shake them.
AL: [without looking round] Go home, Peg.
The camera pans up and we can see Peggy sitting. Bud and Kelly have also arrived.
PEGGY: I am home, Al.
Al stands. He has a very disappointed look on his face.
BUD: We’re here Dad.
Bud notices the attractive customer and walks towards her.
BUD: Oh, Dad.
Bud sits on the stool in front of Jade.
BUD: While you’re here can I show you some of our bras?
JADE: I think I’d better be going.
Jade bends down to put her shoes on. But gets an eyeful of her cleavage.
BUD: Well could you show me some of yours?
Jade gives Bud a look, puts on her shoes and quickly leaves the shop. Bud keeps an eye on her
butt all the way.
Peggy stands and walks over to Al.
PEGGY: Uh, Al, are these some of the fat women that you are always complaining about?
AL: That was a once in a lifetime thing Peg, and I’m so glad you guys were here to scare
it away.
Buck comes in from the stockroom with a shoe in his mouth. He lies down and starts to chew the
shoe.
AL: Aw Peg. Didn’t you bring him a bone or anything, those are $100 pumps.
Al picks up a cheap shoe.
AL: Buck here boy, take this, this one's on sale.
Buck continues to chew the expensive pump.
PEGGY: Isn’t that cute Al, it’s like he knows.
AL: Yeah it’s real cute Peg. When he’s done with the shoe why don’t you take him over to
the cash register for dessert?
Bud and Kelly are at the other side of the store.
BUD: Kel, why don’t you just gimme the tickets? You’re not getting’ out of here.
KELLY: That’s what they said about the tenth grade, but eventually I will.
Bud and Kelly move into the back shop.
AL: Well it’s closing time.
Three attractive aerobics instructors [Trish, Heather and Jackie], still dressed in their
leotards, enter the store and start to look round.
AL: Go home Peg.
PEGGY: [to the girls] We’re closed.
They start to leave.
AL: Hey no, we’ve never been more open.
Peggy gives Al a look.
AL: How can I disappoint the poor ladies, Peg?
PEGGY: Have sex with them.
AL: [laughing] Heheheheh, I intend to.
Al walks over to the girls.
AL: Er... Ladies, sit down.
The three girls brush past Al to get a seat. Al has a good look at them and almost starts
crying.
AL: Er... Where you ladies from?
TRISH: We’re from right next door, the aerobics studio. So many times we’ve passed by and
seen your little face pressed against the window, so we thought we’d come in.
She sits down with the other two girls.
TRISH: Do you have time?
AL: For you? Of course.
Al sits on the stool.
AL: Erm... What can I do for you.
H’THER: I was looking for an evening shoe.
Al picks up a shoe sizer.
AL: All right. Let me measure your chest... I mean... [he laughs] Hahahaha. I mean your
foot.
Peggy is standing behind Al and is not looking happy.
Al measures Heather’s foot with the sizer.
Trish is having a chat with Jackie. Al overhears the conversation.
TRISH: [to Jackie] Some times when I’m at a party, I don’t know, I can’t help myself, I
think they call it nymphomania. Every man I see, I just can’t keep my clothes on.
Al turns to Trish with the shoe sizer and tries to measure her foot, even though she is still
wearing her trainers.
H’THER: Excuse me sir, since I’m the one buying the shoes don’t you think you should be
measuring my foot?
AL: I’m sorry, she’s the nymphomaniac.
PEGGY: Excuse me sir, but I’m gonna do what all of your customers do; go to Morty’s for
shoes. Where they have much cuter salesmen, and younger too.
JACKIE: This guy is pretty old. Maybe we should go to Morty’s.
The girls stand up and start to leave.
TRISH: I hope there is a really cute guy over there. Old or not, in an other second I would
have been all over this one.
Al looks disappointed. Peggy laughs.
PEGGY: [to the girls] Ta-ta.
The three girls leave.
Peggy sits.
AL: Why Peg? Why?
PEGGY: Aw, because I thought I saw you startin’ to look happy.
AL: I was just pretending. You of all people know I’m not happy, see it’s part of my job
to make the customers feel special. It’s what I do and I’m proud of it, I’m a pro, I
care.
A frumpy middle-aged woman [Mitzi] enters the store.
MITZI: [to Al] I need shoes.
Al turns round to look at her.
AL: Yeah, the blacksmith's right around the corner.
Mitzi storms out.
Al gets up to lock the door.
AL: Now we’re closed and, much like my life, my day is over.
Bud and Kelly come in from the store room.
KELLY: Err... Dad, in case of an emergency where are the other exits?
Al puts the keys in his pocket.
AL: There are no other exits. But don’t worry, nothin’ will happen, but if something does,
I’ve got the keys right here. [he pats his pocket] So you can’t leave me behind.
Al walks behind the counter.
AL: Now everybody gets a sleeping bag. [Al hands out sleeping bags] Don’t rush, there’s one
for every one.
PEGGY: [taking her sleeping bag] Gee Al, this is great. When it gets dark can we all sit
around a boot and tell ghost stories?
Al laughs.
AL: Hehehe. We got canned meat from the survival store, we got games from the toy store,
and most importantly, we got each other. Family, we’re gonna have the time of our
lives.
SCENE TWO
The shoe store, latter that evening.
The four Bundys are sitting wearing their night clothes. Kelly is wearing a long kimono style
robe.
Al is doing a poor quality ventriloquist act. He has his left hand held up as a puppet with a
little face drawn on the side of his hand and lipstick round his thumb and forefinger. His
right hand is held over his mouth so we can’t see his lips move.
AL: [in a squeaky puppet voice and moving his thumb as he speaks] Oh, what a nice shoe
store.
The others are not amused.
AL: [in normal voice] What’s the matter, aren’t we havin’ fun?
KELLY: Frankly Daddy, I’m all partied out. [looking at her watch] Oh wow, look at the time.
It’s 8:30, I know I’m beat, why don’t you guys turn in? If I’m gonna do any studying
I’ll need quiet.
Some people are seen outside the store.
BUD: Hey look, the movie at the multi-plex must have just let out.
The people gather round the store and stare at the Bundys.
Peggy looks embarrassed.
AL: [shouting at the on-lookers] What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a family livin’
in a shoe store before?
Kelly gets up and walks away.
PEGGY: [to on-lookers] A lousy eight bucks!! He would not put up a lousy eight bucks for a
hotel. He’s a cheap...
Al puts his hand over Peggy’s mouth to keep her quiet.
AL: [to on-lookers] Goodnight everybody.
The on-lookers start to leave.
AL: [shouting] And you single guys out there remember, this can happen to you.
The three aerobics instructors walk past arm-in-arm with Morty. They look inside the shoe
store and wave to Al.
AL: [amazed] Peg, it’s Morty.
PEGGY: Ahh don’t worry honey, you got me.
AL: Yeah right. [to Morty] Hey Morty, look what I got. [he gestures at the family] Eat
your heart out buddy.
Morty and the three girls wave to Al and leave.
AL: Well Peg, I’m depressed enough now to go to bed.
Al, Peggy and Bud get up and walk over to their sleeping bags.
PEGGY: Don’t you mean go to bag, honey?
Bud turns the lights off.
PEGGY: I knew we shoulda stayed in a hotel.
Al, Peggy and Bud get into their sleeping bags. The sleeping bags still have their price tags
attached.
AL: Yeah yeah. Hey listen, don’t mess up these sleeping bags, I borrowed them. And watch
what you do with those tags, if I lose ‘em I gotta pay for ‘em.
Peggy tears the tag off her sleeping bag rips it up and throws it away.
Al, Peggy and Bud lie down. Kelly is standing behind the counter.
KELLY: Will you guys go to sleep, I’m trying to study.
Bud hold up Kelly’s school books.
BUD: Well then err... won’t you need these books?
Al and Peggy give Kelly a look.
KELLY: Hahahaha. Oh god, I was studying so hard I thought I had them.
Kelly walks over to Bud to get her books. She stomps hard on Bud as she walks past.
BUD: Owww!
KELLY: Sorry.
BUD: Dad, Kelly stepped on me.
AL: Get used to it son, they do that your whole life.
Peggy hits Al on the arm.
AL: Owww!
SCENE THREE
The shoe store later that night.
Bud, Peggy and Al are asleep. Kelly is standing behind the counter studying. Buck is lying
across Al’s face, Al wakes and spits out dog hair.
AL: Ah, maybe we shoulda stayed at a hotel.
KELLY: Daddy, go to sleep.
AL: I can’t, I gotta fur ball in my throat.
Al stands.
AL: Such is death.
Al noisily tries to clear the fur ball from his throat.
AL: Arrrccchhh, arrrrcccchhhh.
Al stops clearing his throat and talks to Kelly.
AL: I just feel bad about grounding ya and every thing and makin’ ya study. I just want
you to do your best.
KELLY: Right Daddy. Go to sleep.
AL: Na, I’m bored. Listen, is there anything that, you know, you wanna talk about,
botherin’ you? Do it now ‘cause when we get home I won’t care.
KELLY: [getting annoyed] Everything’s great, go to sleep.
AL: I can’t, I’m not tired.
Kelly looks at the clock and turns back to Al.
KELLY: Ok, well since you’re up there is something I wanna talk about. I have been having
this menstrual problem lately, they are just...
AL: [cutting her off] Oh boy, I’m tired. I think I’ll hit the sack.
Al gets back in his sleeping bag.
AL: Oh listen hon, stay away from the door ‘cos the electronic eye’s on. It’s real, real
sensitive. The alarm will go off.
Hearing this news, Bud smiles and sniggers to himself.
BUD: Hehehehe.
Al leans over Peggy’s shoulder and wakes her up as he talks to her.
AL: Hey Peg. [Peggy wakes] I’m bored, wanna do it?
PEGGY: Al, the kids are here.
AL: Ok, but remember I asked. See ya in the fall.
Al laughs.
Kelly looks at the clock, it is 9:35.
SCENE FOUR
The shoe store.
The scene opens with a view of the clock, it is now 10:30.
All four Bundys are in their sleeping bags. Bud, Peggy and Al are asleep, Kelly is awake. Al
is snoring loudly.
Kelly sits up and looks over at Al. Peggy wakes and Kelly lies down and pretends to sleep.
Peggy sits up, checks Al is sleeping, then stands up. She goes over to the chair where Al has
left his clothes, takes Al’s wallet from his pants, removes some money then replaces the
wallet. Peggy places the money down her cleavage and goes back to her sleeping bag.
SCENE FIVE
The shoe store later that night.
Everyone is in their sleeping bags.
Kelly sits up. Just as she does Bud gets up and sneaks over to Al’s pants. Bud takes some
money from Al’s wallet. As Bud turns round Kelly is standing behind him, Bud gets a fright and
drops the money.
Kelly is dressed for going out and is carrying her shoes.
KELLY: You are the lowest, stealing from Daddy.
Kelly picks up Al’s wallet and takes some money and the keys for the store.
She holds up the keys to show Bud.
KELLY: I’m over the wall.
BUD: Well how are you gonna get past the electric eye?
KELLY: Same way you get your dates, crawl.
Al starts to wake. Bud heads back to his sleeping bag. Kelly stands perfectly still posing
like a shop mannequin holding up a shoe.
Al gets up and passes by Kelly as he heads for the bathroom.
AL: [looking at Kelly] Those damn mannequins look like hookers.
Al heads into the back of the store.
Kelly lies down on the ground and crawls under the electronic eye, she stands and unlocks the
door.
KELLY: [to Bud] See ya in Jamaica.
She leaves locking the door behind her.
We hear the sound of flushing and Al comes back into the store rubbing his belly.
AL: Mha, green meat attack.
We hear a dog growl offscreen.
BUD: What’s that, Dad?
Al gets back into his sleeping bag.
AL: That’s Satan, the mall guard dog. Don’t worry about him, he can’t get in here. It’s a
good thing too, he’s a real killer.
Bud smiles and pats Kelly’s sleeping bag.
Outside the shoe store we see Kelly running and Satan chasing her.
Bud waves as she runs past.
BUD: [smiling] Better than any concert I’ve ever seen.
We see Kelly run past again still being chased by Satan.
Transcribed by Ephraim McBundy
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