Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy

Guest Cast:

Lihann Jones............April May June



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peggy is at the kitchen table reading a magazine. 
Kelly comes downstairs. She is dressed in a hot looking mini-skirt outfit.

PEGGY) Kelly, are you going out walking by construction sites again? 'Cause if you
       are, give me five minutes and I'll put on something cute and come join you.

KELLY) Uh, no Mom, this is my Valentine's Day outfit. See, um, all the guys are down
       at the mall, y'know, waiting for me to give me their cards, candy and other
       gifts of their devotion so I'll be taking the laundry bag. You don't need it,
       do you?

PEGGY) No, it's mostly decorative. Gee, I sure hope Bud gets a Valentine this year.

KELLY) Uh. So does he. He's got about as much chance of getting a Valentine as I do of
       getting an 'A'.

They laugh.
Bud comes downstairs and saunters coolly into the kitchen.

BUD)   Ladies. Kelly.

He opens the fridge and drinks from a milk carton, but it is empty. 

BUD)   Yep! This is gonna be my special day. Any girls call me?

KELLY) Yep, they call you geek, dork, hairy palms.

BUD)   That was the old Bud. This year I'm hot. See, in the past I haven't been
       interested in girls. Seeing Kelly in the morning can do that to a guy.  But
       this year I threw around a few winks, let it know I'll be accepting Valentines,
       so they should be rolling in... Won't they, Mom?

PEGGY) Sure they will, Son.

KELLY) But not for you! Well, I'm off to the mall.

BUD)   Hey, Kel. I see you're wearing your "love me for my mind" outfit again.

Kelly gives him a look and they leave.
Al comes downstairs.

AL)    I hate Valentine's Day at the shoe store. Every fat woman in Chicago hippos in
       wanting pink pumps. They think it makes them look sexy. As if anyone can see
       their shoes over the bulging flesh of their ankles.

PEGGY) Good morning, Al.

AL)    Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Al opens the fridge and drinks from the same milk carton. He finds it's empty and puts
it back.

PEGGY) So honey, you want anything special for Valentine's Day?

AL)    Yeah, but she's wrestling in the mud and I'm just living there.

The doorbell rings.

AL)    The hell could that be? 

PEGGY) Well, it's Valentine's Day, maybe it's Cupid?

AL)    Nah, he wouldn't show his face around here again after making this match.

Al opens the door to Steve who is holding a small present.

STEVE) [cheerfully] Hi Al.  Y'know, all you have to do is walk outside, look around,
       and you just know it's Valentine's Day.

AL)    What do you want?

STEVE) Al, I need a favor. [Al just stares at him]  Peggy, I need a favor. I need a
       place to hide Marcy's present.

PEGGY) Oh gee, Steve, what is it? Y'know, having Al for a husband, I always wondered.
       What do husbands give their wives for Valentine's Day?

STEVE) Well, this isn't a fair example. See, for us, it's not just Valentine's Day. It's
       our first anniversary.

Peggy reaches affectionately for Al's hand.

PEGGY) Oh Al.

AL)    [flicking her hand away] Oh, leave me alone.

STEVE) Yes. Well, could you hide this for me?

He gives Peggy the package.

PEGGY) Sure. I'll hide it upstairs. 

Peggy holds it up to the light and shakes it around looking at it to see what's in it.

STEVE) Let me save you some wear and tear on your nails and teeth. See, the first
       anniversary is paper and since paper isn't all that romantic, I got her tickets
       for two to Hawaii. Oh, now please don't tell her, I want it to be a surprise.

PEGGY) Ah, don't worry. I can keep a secret. Oh by the way, Al, that little rubber
       donut you ordered came in yesterday. [To Steve] Al's got 'roids, y'know.

Al reacts.
Peggy exits upstairs.

STEVE) Well, you're obviously sitting pretty! So what are you getting Peggy for
       Valentine's Day? Fur, jewels, a car?

AL)    Eh, if only if it was that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind
       of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, y'know, walk the
       last mile, and uh, slam dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but 
       she seems to like it. 

STEVE) I only pray that after sixteen years, Marcy and I will have that kind of magic
       between us.

AL)    Steve, if it was magic, I could do it from down here in front of the TV.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

Peggy is in the kitchen making coffee. She opens the fridge and tries to pour some milk
into her cup, but the carton is still empty. She puts it back.
Marcy rings the doorbell and enters.

MARCY) Hi, Peggy. I waited till Steve left home. I need your help. What can I get him
       for our anniversary?

PEGGY) Well, don't get him two tickets to Hawaii. That's what he got you. It's a
       surprise.

MARCY) He got me tickets to Hawaii? Damn him! He's so irritating, getting me the
       perfect gift. Now I have to get him something just as great. What a weenie. God,
       I hate him!

PEGGY) Sure you do. He's your husband.

MARCY) Yeah well, I still have to find him something really good. Something personal,
       something romantic. Something that symbolizes the depth and purity of our
       relationship.

PEGGY) You could jump naked out of a cake.

MARCY) Yeah! That says it all. But who would know where to find something so kinky?

PEGGY) "Cakes A Poppin'". [She takes a card out of a drawer] Just ask for Leif.
       Here's their number. Oh, and when you pay, have them stamp my card. Two more
       and I get one free.

MARCY) I'll do it. I know. The cake can say  "Take me, I'm yours". Steve'll love it.
       Thanks, Peg. So, do you know Al's getting you?

PEGGY) Yeah. Same thing he gives me every year. He's going to slam dunk me a quick
       one. Of course those are his words. I mean, In reality it's more like a foul
       shot. You know, he takes a deep breath and scores. Sure, it's worth a point but
       it'll never make the highlight reel.

MARCY) It's like your honeymoon never ended. But as long as he tells you he loves you,
       I guess that's all that really matters.

PEGGY) Actually, Al says "There, that should hold ya."  Oh, but you know Al. You know,
       he just has difficulty saying certain things, like "I love you", "thank you"
       and "look out, there's a car coming."

MARCY) Oh, bunk. You live in this hovel, you bore him those two awful children, and he
       can't even tell you he loves you? I've heard him say "I love the Cubs", "I'd
       love a beer."  "I'd love it if you'd leave, Marcy." Face it Peggy. This man is
       no stranger to the word "love".

PEGGY) Oh, it doesn't matter. I know he loves me. He just doesn't say it, it would 
       be nice to hear it once in a while. But it is no big deal. He does so many 
       other things for me.  He uh....

Her smile fades as she stares blankly.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

Peggy is at the kitchen table and Kelly enters with an armful of Valentine's Day cards.

KELLY) Hi, Mom.

PEGGY) Kelly, what does your father do for me?

KELLY) Well, he.... [she sits on the couch and thinks] Daddy?

PEGGY) Never mind. Where's your brother?

KELLY) He's standing by our mailbox, waiting for a Valentine. I haven't got the heart
       to remind him it's Sunday.

PEGGY) Well, in case he doesn't get one this year, just go easy on him, ok?

KELLY) Come on, Mom. We both know that Bud is an obnoxious, rat like creature, but that
       doesn't mean I don't love him. He knows that!

PEGGY) How does he know that?

KELLY) I tell him.

PEGGY) Has he ever told you?

KELLY) Oh, Sure. You gotta, I mean, it kinda takes the edge off things like this.

She opens the door and calls out to Bud.

KELLY) Oh, Bud! It's Sunday. There's no mail on Sunday. Happy Valentine's Day.

We hear Bud screaming from outside and Kelly smiles evilly.

KELLY) Love him? You betcha.

She exits upstairs. 
Al enters.

AL)    Hey, Peg. How come when I said "Hi Bud" he said "I don't need your pity"?

PEGGY) You don't really want to know, do you?

AL)    Nope. [He sits on the couch] Well, what time's dinner rearing its ugly head?

PEGGY) Soon, honey. [She moves closer to him] By the way. I love you, Al.

AL)    Yeah, yeah. yeah. Look Peg, I know you're anxiously awaiting your Valentine's
       Sex-a-rama. Now, here's the plan. I can slide you in between the Bulls - Pistons
       game and the rifle men.

PEGGY) [nodding] Gee, there's about four or five commercials in between them. Are we
       gonna do it twice?

AL)    Peg, remember, a smart mouth is a lonely mouth.

PEGGY) You know Al, this year I was hoping for something different.

AL)    Uh uh, Peg. The socks stay on.

PEGGY) No, Al. This year, instead of sex, I want you to tell me you love me.

A long silence.

AL)    What if I do take the socks off?

PEGGY) I'm serious, Al, I wanna hear it!

AL)    Yeah, right. Well listen, Peg, I'm gonna go upstairs and wash up, and just to
       show you how special you are to me, tonight I'm gonna kiss you.

He exits.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy is sitting at the kitchen table.
Kelly comes downstairs with a bag full of Valentines

KELLY) Well, Mom, I've got all my cards in this bag. Now, instead of dating all the
       guys in here, which last year proved to be almost impossible, I decided to pick
       just one lucky guy to represent all of my admirers. Doesn't matter who it is,
       this is the one day everyone gets a fair chance [she holds out the bag for
       Peggy] So, pick one for me.

Peggy picks a card.

PEGGY) Josh.

KELLY) He's really ugly, pick again.

Peggy picks another card.

PEGGY) Sheldon?

KELLY) OK, give me the bag. [she rearranges something in the bag] OK. Pick the red one
       with the stars. 

Peggy picks it.

PEGGY) Johnny.

KELLY) Ooh, what luck. The cutest boy in school. Oh, you sure know how to pick a man.

Bud enters with a sack.

BUD)   Well, all my Valentines finally cane in. I'm going upstairs to open them.

Bud puts the bag over his shoulder and we hear the clanking of soda bottles.

KELLY) Sounds kinda like pop bottles.

BUD)   Well, they're not. They're paper.
 
The sack clanks some more.

PEGGY) Uh, you know Bud, you're my Valentine.

BUD)   Wow! Wait till I go tell the guys.

Bud heads upstairs.

KELLY) Well, speaking of losers, I'm gonna go through some of these excess Valentines.
       [She sorts through the cards] Let's see, "Fairest Kelly", "Beautiful Kelly",
       "Kelly my love", [shocked] "Dearest Bud"??

Bud drops his sack on the stairs and we hear the bottles crash.

BUD)   Yes! Yes! I knew it! Give it here. [He rips open the card and reads it]
       It's from some girl named April May June. She says she loves me. She's coming
       over to see me tonight.

PEGGY) That's great, honey! [to Kelly] Did you write that card as a joke?

KELLY) No, did you?

Peggy shakes her head.

BUD)   Hey, you did write this, didn't you, Kel? I mean, "April, May, June", those are
       all words you know. C'mon Kel, just tell me. 'Cause I've got a chance to go to
       the Bulls game tonight with Joey.

KELLY) Gee, Bud, dilemma, dilemma. Do you get all dressed up, stay here and look like
       an idiot, or go to the game, stand up the only date you'll ever have, and look
       like an idiot. Mmm, tough one for Bud! Well, I'm going upstairs to get ready for 
       my real date.

She starts her way upstairs and Bud follows her.

BUD)   Did you write that, Kelly? Just say yes or no.

KELLY) No.

BUD)   Come on, Kelly, Really? I know you did.

KELLY) OK, yeah, I did.

BUD)   Oh, no you didn't. Really, Kel? 

Al passes them at the top of the stairs, and comes down, wearing a robe.

AL)    OK, Peg. No sense in putting off the inevitable. Now, the kids are upstairs so
       we probably shouldn't do it up there what with your screaming and everything.

PEGGY) That was your fault, Al. You're the one who turned the lights on.

AL)    Hey, let's not throw stones on this romantic night. Now, it's almost time, so,
       why don't you go down in the basement, blow up the air mattress, I'll pop some
       Tumms and be right down.

Peggy walks over to him.

PEGGY) I want to hear it, Al. I want to hear you say "I love you".

AL)    Not that again! OK, Peg. Now, I know you didn't think of this yourself. Now,
       where did this come from? Phil? Oprah?

PEGGY) Marcy.

AL)    Oh, great. The only one we can't turn off.

PEGGY) Al, Steve and Marcy don't only just say it, they mean it, and they show it. You
       know what Marcy is giving Steve tonight?

AL)    A running start?

PEGGY) She went to "Cakes A Poppin'", and she's having herself delivered to him. 
       Then she's gonna pop out naked!

AL)   I hope you're happy, Peg, I'll never eat cake again.

PEGGY) Well, if she can go to all that trouble for Steve, the least you can do for me
       is say "I love you".

Al shakes his head.

PEGGY) I'm not going downstairs with you unless you say it.

AL)    Withholding sex from me, Peg? Oh, no. Well, I guess I'll just have to relax and
       have fun instead. [he puts his arm around her] Come on, Peg, what's the big
       deal? You know I do. I just don't like to say it. It makes me sick.

PEGGY) Well, it doesn't make me sick to say it. I love you.

AL)    Yeah, yeah, yeah.

PEGGY) I'll be waiting upstairs.

Peggy exits.

AL)    Time to reach out and touch someone. 

Al crosses to the phone, dials a number and talks.

AL)    Here we go. [clears his throat] Hello, I'm calling about the Marcy Rhoades
       cake. Yeah, this is her husband. There's been a change in plans. Instead of the
       address she gave you, do you have a pen?


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

Al is sitting on the couch watching TV.
Kelly and Bud enter from upstairs. Kelly is dressed for her date. Bud is wearing a
robe and his feet are bare.

KELLY) Bud, I still don't know why you're dressed like that. If you don't think you
       really have a date why did you pass up a chance to go to the game?

BUD)   Look, maybe I just want to spend the night watching the game with my dad.

AL)    Why, what did I do?

KELLY) Oh, by the way Dad, Mom's upstairs cursing you. I'm late, I gotta go.

AL)    Ah, Kelly, come here a second. [Kelly sits on the couch] Now, you guys are
       what, in your teens?

KELLY) Something like that, Dad, yeah.

AL)    Well, you've known me most of those years. How do you think your dad feels
       about you? I mean, do you know that your dad...

KELLY) Loves us?

AL)    Yes, that. You guys know that, right?

BUD)   Sure. Dad, are you dying? 

AL)    Yes, I am, but nobody seems to care. So I mean, that, it's not important for you
       to hear...

KELLY) That you love us?

AL)    [irritated] Yes.

BUD)   Hey, you'll tell us when you're ready.

KELLY) Besides, we think it'd make a nice moment for when you're old and feeble.

Kelly holds out her hand for money and Al gives her some. She crosses to the door and
Bud holds out his hand for money. Al gives him some, and Bud puts it in his robe
pocket.

KELLY) I'd be getting ready if I were you, Bud.

BUD)   I'm not falling for it, Kel.

Kelly leaves.
Bud takes off his robe. He's wearing a suit and a tie. The legs of his pants were
rolled up so he rolls them down. He takes his socks out of his pockets and puts them on.

BUD)   Look, Dad, I've got a hot date coming. Get out.

AL)    The game's on.

BUD)   Dad, the way I see it, if you left now it'd be kinda like saying... you love me.

Al sighs and goes upstairs.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

Peg is at the mirror, brushing her hair.
Al enters.

AL)    Sooo, how ya doin'?  

Peggy ignores him.

AL)    Oh, c'mon, Peg, people shouldn't have to say it, it's unnecessary. I haven't
       cheated on you, I haven't asked for my own room. I stayed through two kids and
       your hot pants phase! Doesn't that say it? 

PEGGY) No!

AL)    Well, then... can I have my own room?

PEGGY) No! Now, I wanna hear it.

AL)    Why?

PEGGY) Because it's nice to know. Now I'll start. I love you.

AL)    [squeaming] Peg, this really makes my stomach hurt.

PEGGY) Then you can feel better real quick. Now, just say it.

AL)    I... I have to go to the bathroom.

Al goes into the bathroom.
Peggy looks fed up.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Living room.
Bud's jacket and tie are off and he is holding a bra, speaking to himself.

BUD)   Thanks, Kel. Real funny joke. "April May June." So immature. [He picks up a
       small container] Hope you like the itching powder in your bra!

Bud shakes some powder in the bra. 
The doorbell rings and Bud crosses to the door with the bra and opens it to April May
June, a pretty young girl.

APRIL) Hi, Bud, did you get my Valentine? I'm April May June.

Bud stares at her in awe.

BUD)   Yes, yes, I vaguely remember. [waving the bra around] Come in, come in.

Aprils comes in as Bud realises he has the bra in his hand. Out of desperation he
shoves it down his shirt. They both sit on the couch.

BUD)   Sooo. You have quite an unusual name. How did you get it?

APRIL) My parents are idiots.

BUD)   We have a lot in common. So you want me to be your Valentine, eh?

APRIL) Well, I saw you around school and thought you were kinda cute.  But you never
       noticed me...

Bud starts scratching.

BUD)   You think I'm cute?

APRIL) Sure. All the girls do.

BUD)   [bitterly] Then why do I only get one stinkin' Valentine? Sorry, I meant,
       thank you.

He scratches again.

APRIL) Why are you scratching?

BUD)   Oh, it's this darn bra. [he takes the bra out of his shirt] That's better.

APRIL) And don't you hate it when they ride up on you?

Bud nods and puts his arm around her. They settle back.


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

Peggy is sitting on the edge of her bed.

PEGGY) [calling to Al in the bathroom] And don't pull that upset stomach routine with
       me, Al. Come out here and tell me you love me. Are you going to tell me or not?


FREEZE FRAME

   When this episode originally aired, viewers had a choice of how the episode would
   end. The vote was 67% in favor of Al saying "I love you". 

FOR VOTE "YES" 

PEGGY) [to the camera] Thank you so much for understanding. You must know what it's
       like to smell his socks, to walk barefoot on his toenail clippings, and to kill
       what's living in his toothbrush. I deserve to hear "I love you" and dammit I'm
       going to. And for those of you who voted no, and think I should have a
       miserable life - Don't worry. I do.
       [calling sweetly] Oh, Al.

 For all subsequent airings of this episode, you will NOT see what Peggy just said, and 
 the episode will continue from here on, straight after Peggy's previous line, "Are you 
 going to tell me or not?" 

Al enters from the bathroom.

AL)    All right, Peg, I'm going to say it. But before I say it, I want to tell you I
       really hate you for this. I don't want to do it. I'm unhappy. My stomach is
       boiling, my palms are sweating. And if you think you're gonna get a jump after
       this, you're sadly mistaken! Of course, if you had a brain in that huge head,
       you'd know how I feel. But, you wanna hear it, fine. This is what you want,
       it's your stinkin' lousy Valentine's Day present. So here it is: [pauses] 
       I love you.

Peggy is very happy, she stands and gives Al a big hug.

PEGGY) Oh, Al! You didn't have to say that!

Al has a shocked look on his face. Peggy hugs him again and Al makes faces when she can't
see his face and clears the expression before Peggy she can his face again.

PEGGY) Gee, I only hope that Steve and Marcy are as happy as we are right now.

AL)    Well, I don't know about Steve but [smiles evilly] Marcy's having the night of her life!


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

Two delivery men wheel a big cake with the words TAKE ME, I'M YOURS on it through two
doors. Marcy can be hear singing "My Funny Valentine" from inside the cake. The
delivery men close the doors. They read: CHICAGO BULLS LOCKER ROOM. 




THE END



EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT

DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: RALPH R. FARQUHAR
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
 
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
STORY EDITOR: ELLEN L. FOGLE
STORY EDITOR: RALPH FARQUHAR
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: RICHARD GURMAN
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: TIM FLACK
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
                    PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: RICHARD DRANEY 
STAGE MANAGERS: GARY RAMINEZ, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
UNIT MANAGER: BOB PLATAK
TECHNICAL MANAGER: HORACE SCOTT
PRODUCTION SERVICES CO-ORDINATOR: TONY NEELY
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: JIM RALSTON
LIGHTING DIRECTORS: THOMAS W. MARKLE, DEBBIE BAIRD 
AUDIO: ART MORGENSTEIN
VIDEOTAPE EDITORS: LARRY HARRIS, RON BODER
RE-RECORDING: BLAINE STEWART, CRAIG PORTER
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
PRODUCTION SURPERVISED BY: FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS: DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTRE IN HOLLYWOOD
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: KEN STUMP
COPYRIGHT (C) 1988
EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS
All rights reserved
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISON
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production