FINAL DRAFT
December 9, 1987

MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
"GUYS AND DOLLS"

Executive Producers
Ron Leavitt
and
Michael G. Moye

Producers
Marcy Vosburgh
&
Sandy Sprung

Associate Producer
Barbara Cramer

Directed By
Linda Day

Written By
Sandy Sprung
&
Marcy Vosburgh

SHOW: #0214
TAPE: 12/11/87
AIR: TBA

AN EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION


CAST
----
AL BUNDY ............. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY .......... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ........ DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ........ AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY .......... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ............ DAVID FAUSTINO
COP .................. NICK DE MAURO


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

(KELLY, WITH BOOKS, SITS AT TABLE HOLDING HER HEAD. BUD ENTERS. HE CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND
SITS WITH HER. HE NOTICES HER TROUBLE)

BUD	What's the matter, Kell? Are the contractions five minutes apart?

KELLY	What's the matter, Bud? Puberty five years away?

BUD	Come on, Kell. We're blood. If you've got a problem, maybe I can help.

KELLY	Well, Mom and Dad are at parent-teacher night and I'm scared.

BUD	Y'know, Mom and Dad make me sick. When are they gonna realize that you're stupid and
	leave you alone?

KELLY	Yuk it up, malignancy. I have to start doing better. I've got this book report due and
	I haven't read the book. It's called "Robinson Crusoe."

BUD	I've read that. I can help you. For a small fee, of course.

(KELLY GIVES HIM MONEY)

BUD	Okay. Robinson Crusoe was marooned on a desert island. The only people there were him,
	Friday, the Professor, Maryann, Ginger... and the rest.

KELLY	(WRITING FURIOUSLY) Wait a minute! Slow down, slow down. (WRITES) The professor.

BUD	Right. Now in the first chapter they needed to get around the island so Gillig... I
	mean Robinson and the Professor built a car that ran on coconuts.

KELLY	Oh, cool.

BUD	You know, Robinson always sang this little song on the island. You may want to do it
	in front of the class. It shows you read carefully. (RECITES OVER KELLY'S SHOULDER AS
	SHE WRITES) "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, 
			A tale of a fateful trip.
			That started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship. 
			The mate. - That's Robinson - was a mighty sailing man,
			The skipper brave and sure. 
			Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour
			a three hour tour."

KELLY	Twice?

BUD	It's important.

SFX: CAR PULLING UP

BUD	That's Mom and Dad. We'll finish this later.

KELLY	Tell them I'm upstairs working really hard on my book report.

(KELLY STARTS TO EXIT UPSTAIRS)

KELLY	I'm finally going to get an "A."

(KELLY EXITS. PEGGY AND AL, CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG, ENTER LOOKING NONE TOO PLEASED)

BUD	Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Kelly said she's upstairs listening to the radio and dancing. Oooh,
	you two look pretty mad. But in Kelly's defense, wait 'til after she's turned in her
	book report. We owe her that much.

PEGGY	Kelly's not the problem. She's moved up to a good solid "D." You're the one who's in
	trouble. We went to your school and saw your social studies project; "Brazil: Land
	of Rubber and Sunshine." (TAKES POSTER FROM SHOPPING BAG) Care to explain this picture
	of your sister in a bikini?

BUD	Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil. So how'd I do?

PEGGY	Like your father in life, you failed. Al, talk to him.

AL	(SIGHS, THEN) Bud, you know you did a bad thing, don't you?

BUD	Yes, Dad.

AL	Good boy. Get me a beer.

PEGGY	Al, this is serious. You wanna give this another five seconds or so?

AL	Why is it always me? What do you do? Just give birth to 'em and swim off like a
	guppie? All right, all right. Look, Bud. This torturing your sister... y'know, selling
	her bathwater, her pictures, renting her room -- sure it's funny, but it's gotta stop
	'cause it upsets your mother and then I have to handle it when all I really wanted to
	do in life was be a cowboy and rob trains. So cut it out, okay? How was that, Peg?

PEGGY	Oh, that was tremendous, Al. But I thought it lacked the power and true emotion of
	your "where's my juice, you worthless slug?"

AL	Yeah. That reminds me. Where the hell is my...

PEGGY	Oh, shut up, Al. I want you to go upstairs and don't come down until you think of
	something else to do with your time besides torturing your sister.

BUD	You might as well ask me to stop breathing. It's what I do. It's what I am. I'll tell
	you what, I'll help Kelly with her homework.

PEGGY	Good boy.

(BUD HUMS THE THEME TO GILLIGAN'S ISLAND AND EXITS UPSTAIRS)

PEGGY	Al, you know what I think his problem is? I think he has too much free time. What can
	we do about that?

AL	Well, we could get him a wife.

PEGGY	I meant a hobby. A father-son thing. Something he could learn from you. Let's see. You
	can't teach balding. He already knows how to go to the bathroom. And he's too young to
	drink.

AL	Oh, Peg, if you wanted a hug, why didn't you just ask for one?

(HE STARTS REACHING FOR HER THROAT)

SFX: DOORBELL

STEVE	(O.S.) It's us. Steve and Marcy. Hurry. It's important.

(AL PUTS THE POSTER IN THE CLOSET, THEN ANSWERS THE DOOR TO MARCY, DRESSED TRASHY, AND STEVE,
IN A SAILOR SUIT AND A COP. A BEAT, THEN AL LAUGHS, THEN)

COP	Excuse me, sir. Do you know these people?

AL	No.

STEVE	Al, please.

COP	We picked them up for soliciting at Joe's Cocktail Lounge.

STEVE	I told you, Officer, we were just role playing to spice up our marriage. And we lost
	our ID when we were running from you.

MARCY	It's all a big mistake. Tell him who we are, Al.

AL	It's our neighbors, the hooker and the sailor.

COP	I see. Just a little yuppie game, eh? Well, let me tell you a little something about
	police. We don't like it when you jerk us around. I could be out there scaring kids
	or driving with the siren on. So next time you want to put some fun in your marriage,
	do what me and my wife do. Cheat on each other. Have a nice day.

(HE EXITS)

PEGGY	Ooh, great outfit, Marce. Can I borrow it? I've got a wedding to go to.

MARCY	It's yours. You mind if I use your phone?  I have to call a locksmith. I lost our keys
	when Steve knocked me over running away from the squad car.

(SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE. STEVE SITS ON THE COUCH)

STEVE	Sooo, what's new with you guys?

PEGGY	Oh, we were just trying to find a hobby for Bud. Y'know, to keep him out of trouble.
	Something he could do with Al. Got any ideas?

STEVE	Let's see, with Al. Hmm. Well, you guys could come over together in the morning and
	steal my paper

AL	Hey, my morning's are for me.

STEVE	Okay. How 'bout this? Take him to the ballet?

AL	Why not just spray him pink and cut his tendons so his wrist is permanently limp?

STEVE	Come on, Al. We go to the ballet and we're perfectly normal.

(HE ADJUSTS HIS SAILOR HAT)

PEGGY	How about flying? Or polo?

AL	Yeah. How about collecting original Picassos? Hell, I make minimum wage. We'll start
	with one of his bad ones.

(MARCY HANGS UP THE PHONE AND JOINS THEM)

MARCY	They'll be over in an hour. (LOOKS AT AL AND PEGGY) I'm sure it will fly by.

(SHE SITS)

STEVE	You know a hobby doesn't have to be expensive. When I was a kid, I collected baseball
	cards.

AL	You, too?

STEVE	Yeah. I had some great ones. But my mother threw 'em all out.

AL	Yep, mine too.

AL/STEV	(SNORTS) women.

(THEY BOTH NOD. THE GIRLS REACT)

AL	The greatest hobby in the world, but women just don't get it.

PEGGY	No, Al. The thing I don't get is sex.

AL	That's gonna be Bud's new hobby. Baseball cards. (CALLS OUT) Bud, get down here.

MARCY	Why don't you try to find Bud something more cultural and intellectually stimulating?

PEGGY	They're men. For them, something intellectually stimulating is comparing today's Elmer
	Fudd with the original, fatter Fudd.

AL	Hey, he's lost weight. Hasn't he, Steve?

STEVE	It's like a totally different Fudd, Al.

PEGGY	Let's get some coffee, Marce.

(THEY GET UP AND CROSS TO THE KITCHEN. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS)

BUD	What is it, Dad? I was just helping Kelly with her homework.

(KELLY APPEARS AT THE LANDING)

KELLY	Bud, let me get this straight. Friday worked for both the Millionaire and his wife.

BUD	Well, remember Kell. It was only supposed to be for a three hour tour.

KELLY	(PROUDLY REPEATS) A three hour tour.

BUD	You got it.

KELLY	Great. You know, the reason you're such a geek is because instead of going out and
	having fun, like me, you read all these boring classics.

BUD	I guess I've always been an egghead, Kell.

(SHE EXITS BACK UPSTAIRS)

BUD	Isn't she great, Dad? What's up?

AL	Bud, I want to talk to you about your new hobby.

BUD	What's my new hobby, Dad?

AL	Collecting baseball cards.

BUD	Uh huh. How long have I had this hobby, Dad?

AL	About two minutes, son.

BUD	Do I like it?

(AL AND STEVE EXCHANGE A GLANCE AND LAUGH AN AMUSED, PATERNAL LAUGH)

STEVE	But you know something, Bud? Today's players are kind of boring. When Al and I were
	young, they were great.

AL	Yeah. Y'know, that's what you're gonna do, Bud. You're gonna collect cards from when
	me and Steve were kids.

BUD	(FALSELY OVERWHELMED) Oh, man.

AL	I mean, like Ron Santo. Gold glove winner 1964 through '68. Remember Ron Santo, Bud?

BUD	I wasn't born until nineteen seventy-four, Dad.

(AL AND STEVE STARE AT BUD AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS SADLY)

AL	(TO STEVE) Remember how he used to go to his right, dive, and backhand the ball?

(AL AND STEVE SMILE FONDLY)

AL	I loved the Cubs then. Y'know, Bud, that's gonna be your hobby. You're gonna collect
	the all time greatest Cub team ever. Me and Steve will tell you who they are when we
	have time.

STEVE	Isn't this fun, Bud?

BUD	That's why I picked it, Mr. Rhoades.

(PEGGY AND MARCY ARE HAVING COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN)

PEGGY	Look at them over there. Men are idiots. And I married their king. Baseball cards.
	What's the big deal about them anyway? It's a bunch of guys holding their bats. Why
	don't they take pictures the way they really are? grabbing their privates, spitting
	and patting each other on the butt for (MAKES QUOTE MARKS WITH HER FINGERS) "Good
	luck."

MARCY	I hate baseball. My father made me watch it. I had to pretend to like it because it
	was the only attention I'd get from him. All the boys at school loved baseball. I can
	still hear them talking. "Baseball, baseball, baseball. Hey, there's Marcy, let's
	throw a rock at her, baseball, baseball, baseball."  God, I hate men. They're stupid,
	ignorant animals, with stupid, ignorant hobbies. They hated me, But I didn't need
	them. I had Barbie.

PEGGY	I had a very special bathtub toy. Who's Barbie?

MARCY	(OFFENDED) Who's Barbie? America's favorite teenage fashion model, that's who.

PEGGY	Oh, a Barbie doll. I used to have one of those. As a sign of love I gave her to my
	boyfriend, Keith. He was gay as a Debutante, you know.

MARCY	I still have my Barbie. She's been wrapped up safe and sound in her original box for
	twenty years now. Just waiting for the day I can pass her on to my little girl.

PEGGY	Kelly had a bunch of Barbie stuff. To tell the truth, I never understood the
	fascination with Barbie. But I used to be able to strip Ken with my teeth.

MARCY	(BEAT) Yes, I'm sure. But I loved Barbie. It was a way to escape. The idea was for
	Barbie to live the life you wanted for yourself.

FLIP TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

(PEGGY HAS A BARBIE DOLL ON A MASSAGE TABLE GETTING A RUBDOWN BY A WHITE-T SHIRTED KEN.
ANOTHER SHOWERS HER WITH MONEY, ANOTHER HOLDS CHOCOLATE CAKE, ANOTHER VACUUMS, ANOTHER DANCES
IN BLUE BIKINI PANTS AND A COWBOY HAT. PEGGY AND MARCY LOOK ON)

PEGGY	Y'know, this is fun. Listen, is there such a thing as an old, rich Ken doll who's
	about to kick the bucket? That way my Barbie doesn't have to hide these Kens at five
	o'clock when the Al doll comes home from the shoestore.

MARCY	Barbie was meant to be dressed beautifully and properly accessorized. Not lying around
	to be rubbed by horny Kens.

PEGGY	You've got your accessories, I've got mine. C'mon, let's go downstairs and see what
	else of Kelly's we can play with.

MARCY	Okay, and after we disinfect your Barbie dreamhouse, I'm going to get out my Barbie.
	(COYLY) I hope your Kens can handle it.

(AS THE GIRLS GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, THE GUYS ENTER)

AL	I can't believe it, Steve. Those old cards are really expensive. But we've got seven
	of the nine all time Cubs.

STEVE	What a great store, huh? And a great afternoon. You think we should have brought Bud
	with us?

AL	What for? He'd only get in the way.

STEVE	You're right. Now, all he needs is Ken Hubbs and Ernie Banks. And they're pretty
	expensive.

AL	Well, we already sold Peg's spare tire, so that's it for me. (INDICATES BARBIE STUFF)
	Look at this junk. No wonder I don't have any money. Kelly spends it on these stupid
	dolls. And look at it. The house is a mess and the doll's just laying there. Just
	like Peggy. All that's missing is an Al doll in the bathroom with an empty roll of
	toilet paper and this could be our house.

STEVE	Hey, Al. I know what we could sell.

AL	I know what you're thinkin', Steve. I've thought about it myself, but there were no
	takers for Peg when she was young.

STEVE	No, Al. I meant Barbie. Marcy's got an old Barbie doll in the basement that she hasn't
	touched in twenty years. Old dolls like that can be worth a lot of money. And the
	older they are, the higher the price.

AL	If it only worked that way with real people. I could sell Peg's mother and retire.

(THEY EXIT)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY

(THE BARBIE DREAM HOUSE IS SET UP AT THE TABLE WHERE THE DOLL IS DRESSED EXACTLY LIKE PEGGY.
THE DREAM HOUSE IS A MESS. PEGGY PUSHES ALL THE JUNK IN ONE CORNER, PUTS A SCREEN IN FRONT OF
IT, THEN LIES BARBIE DOWN ON THE SOFA. AL AND STEVE ARE ADMIRING THEIR CARDS. BUD LOOKS BORED)

AL	Bud, here's the crowning jewel in your collection. We got it last night. (BUD LEANS IN)
	Don't touch it. Now all you need is Ernie Banks. I'm proud of you, Bud.

BUD	(SARCASTIC) I'm proud of you, too, Dad.

PEGGY	You men are such children. Now, where's Barbie's pumps?

(BUD LOOKS AT EVERYBODY IN ANOTHER WORLD)

BUD	I guess I'm the man of the house now, eh folks?

(KELLY ENTERS)

KELLY	Bud, I'm going to kill you.

BUD	Oh yeah. Today was book report day. How'd you do, Kell?

KELLY	How did I do? I had a meeting with the principal. A three hour meeting. A three hour
	meeting. You see Bud, you innocently mixed up Robinson Crusoe and Gilligan's Island.
	I told them that, but the principal didn't believe me. He said, "Even you Ms. Bundy,
	are not that stupid."

BUD	But he was wrong wasn't he, Kell?

KELLY	Well, to make a long story short, I'm a laughing stock, you're going to die, and I'm
	suspended until I do a report on all the works of some guy named Poe.

BUD	You mean, like "The Telltale Heart."

KELLY	(SUCKED IN) Yeah. You really know that one?

BUD	Sure. It's the one with "Cousin Itt."

KELLY	Really.

BUD	Sure. C'mon. I'll tell you all about it. And there really is a song in that one.

(AS THEY EXIT, BUD SINGS TO THE THEME FROM "THE ADAMS FAMILY")

BUD	Dee Duh Duh Dum (SNAP SNAP)
	Dee Duh Duh Dum (SNAP SNAP)
	The Raven Family.

(THEY EXIT)

AL	She may not graduate. You know that, Peg.

(MARCY ENTERS DISTRAUGHT)

MARCY	Steve, we've been robbed! Steve, they took my Barbie.

PEGGY	Not the one you were saving to give to your daughter?

(STEVE EMITS A LONG, LOW, QUIVERING "OHHHH". AL SHRUGS)

MARCY	And it was someone we know. They went right for her. Steve, find them. Find them and
	kill them. No, don't kill them. Bring them to me. I'll kill them. But not at first. 
	First, I'll take a hammer and smash their toes. (DELIGHTING IN IT) Little to big. Then,
	if it was a man, and I know it was a man, I'll turn the hammer around...

STEVE	(FALSETTO) Al?

MARcY	Steve, get the cops. Show them this. (TAKING PHOTO FROM POCKET) I dug up this picture
	of her. It was taken the night of her first date with Ken. (TEARING UP) She was so
	nervous.

PEGGY	Marcy, why don't you go upstairs lie down, and have a good cry in my bed. God knows
	it's used to tears.

AL	Both sides, Peg.

(PEGGY AND MARCY EXIT UPSTAIRS)

STEVE	I'm in big trouble, Al.

AL	Come on. She'll never know it was you.

(MARCY APPEARS AT THE LANDING)

MARCY	He left a clue, Steve. I found a hair. It's like a fingerprint. No two are alike.
	(MENACING) We'll find him. We'll find him. Oh, yeah.

(PEGGY COMES AND TAKES HER AWAY)

AL	Tough luck, Steve.

STEVE	I've got to get that doll back. I'll call the guy we sold it to.

(STEVE CROSSES TO THE PHONE. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS)

BUD	(CALLING UPSTAIRS) Remember, Kelly. Quothe the Raven, "You rang?" (HE LOOKS SMUG, THEN
	TO AL) Hey, Dad. I haven't been giving this baseball card thing a fair chance. I'm
	gonna have my friend Teddy come over and check it out.

AL	Sure, son. That's what it's here for.

(BUD EXITS. AL GATHERS THE CARDS AND PUTS THEM IN HIS POCKET) 

AL	Like Hell. Get your own hobby.

(STEVE HANGS UP THE PHONE)

STEVE	Al, the store was robbed. Barbie's gone and I'm a dead man.

AL	Oh, well. (READING BACK OF CARD) Hey, here's a question for you. (READS) In 1966, which
	Cub had a 28 game hitting streak?

STEVE	Al, don't you understand? If I don't get Marcy's doll back I... 28 games? In '66?
	Billy Williams.

AL	Ron Santo.

STEVE	I was gonna say Ron Santo. Damn. Anyhow, the way I figure it, somebody from the
	neighborhood broke into that store. Which means Barbie is probably still in the area.

AL	Oh come on, Steve. We're not really going to go combing the streets for some stupid
	Barbie doll.

FLIP TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. STREET SCENE MONTAGE - NIGHT

SFX: BLUESY SAX RENDITION OF "YOU BELONG TO THE CITY"

(STEVE AND AL, THEIR COLLARS TURNED UP AGAINST THE WIND COME UPON A BUM, HUDDLED IN DOORWAY,
SWIGGING OUT OF A BOTTLE IN A PAPER BAG. THEY SHOW HIM THE PHOTO. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO".
HE OFFERS THEM A SWIG. THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO" THEY MOVE ON)

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT

(STEVE AND AL COME UPON SOME TOUGH KIDS STRIPPING A CAR. THEY SHOW THEM THE PHOTO. THE KIDS
SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO." THE KIDS OFFER THEM A CAR RADIO. THE GUYS SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO." THE
KIDS GO BACK TO STRIPPING THE CAR. AL AND STEVE MOVE ON)

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT

(STEVE AND AL STANDING UNDER A STREETLIGHT, FREEZING. AL GLARES AT STEVE)

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT

(THE GUYS PASS A MOTORCYCLE. STRAPPED ON THE BACK IS A BARBIE. STEVE IS ECSTATIC. THEY LOOK
AROUND AND SEE NO ONE. AS THEY UNSTRAP BARBIE, UNBEKNOWNST TO THEM, ONE BY ONE HUGE MEMBERS
OF A TOUGH MOTORCYCLE GANG GATHER BEHIND THEM AND GLARE. STEVE AND AL FINALLY GET THE BARBIE,
TURN, SEE THE GANG AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO")


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT

(PEGGY IS AT THE REFRIGERATOR. MARCY IS STARING AT THE PHONE)

PEGGY	I'm hungry. Marcy, can I please use the phone, if Barbie was going to call, I'm sure
	she'd have done it by now.

(SHE GLARES AT PEGGY)

PEGGY	We'll wait a little longer.

(MARCY NODS ONCE CURTLY, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE PHONE. STEVE AND AL STAGGER IN. THEY ARE
DISHELVED BUT CARRY THE MOTORCYCLE BARBIE. AL HAS A SHINER, STEVE RUBS HIS JAW)

STEVE	Well, some of my teeth are loose but we got her.

(STEVE ADJUSTS A TOOTH WITH HIS THUMB)

STEVE	Here she is.

MARCY	Oh, Steve...

(STEVE HANDS HER THE BARBIE)

MARCY	That's not my Barbie. My Barbie had a little crescent shaped cut on the heel of her
	left foot. (TEARING UP) She got it jogging on the beach with Ken. You don't love me.

(SHE TURNS BACK TO THE PHONE. STEVE LOOKS AT AL)

FLIP TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. STREET SCENE MONTAGE - NIGHT

SFX: SAME BLUESY "YOU BELONG TO THE CITY"

(STEVE AND AL SHOW PHOTO TO A BAG LADY. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD "NO." SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR
MONEY. THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO")

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT

(STEVE AND AL SHOW PHOTO TO A GORGEOUS BLACK HOOKER. SHE NODS "YES" AND MOTIONS TO SOMEONE
OFF CAMERA. A BLOND, PONY TAIL HOOKER IN A MINI-SKIRT AND HIGH HEELS, STRUTS OVER AND WINKS AT
THE GUYS. STEVE SADLY SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO." AL NODS "YES" AND FOLLOWS THE HOOKER. STEVE GRABS
AL AND PULLS HIM BACK)

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT

(STEVE AND AL SEE A TOUGH GUY LEANING AGAINST A WALL, SMOKING A CIGARETTE. THEY SHOW HIM THE
PHOTO. HE NODS "YES" AND PULLS A BARBIE OUT OF HIS BAG. STEVE CHECKS HER FOOT AND SHOWS IT TO
AL. AL LOOKS DISGUSTED. THE GUY PULLS HER BACK AND HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. STEVE GIVES HIM MONEY.
IT'S NOT ENOUGH. AL GIVES ALL HIS MONEY. THE GUY WANTS MORE. STEVE STARES AT AL WHO RELUCTANTLY
BRINGS OUT THE BASEBALL CARDS. HE GIVES THEM ONE BY ONE, BUT WON'T PART WITH THE LAST ONE UNTIL
THE GUY HOLDS HIS LIT CIGARETTE UP TO BARBIE'S FACE. AL SHRUGS AND STARTS OFF. STEVE WRESTLES
THE CARD FROM AL. THE TRADE IS MADE)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT

(EVERYONE WATCHES MARCY CRADLE HER BARBIE)

MARCY	Steve, you're the greatest husband in the whole wide world. Except for Ken. Let's go
	home.

(THEY START OUT)

STEVE	Marcy, I think I need a dentist. I'm seriously hurt here.

MARCY	(TO BARBIE) Thank God you're all right. What say tomorrow we dress you in your red
	linen suit for the busy gal?

STEVE	Speaking of red, I'm bleeding internally here.

MARCY	(TO DOLL) I'm so glad you're okay.

(THEY EXIT)

PEGGY	I don't think they should have children, Al.

AL	I don't think anyone should.

(BUD ENTERS)

BUD	Hi, Dad. Listen, I was talking to Teddy about the hobby you made me have. He said his
	Dad collects trains for him, so we decided we should get into the hobbies they have
	for us. I mean, a dad's always your little dad, so let's go for it, big guy, where's
	the cards?

AL	Oh, leave me alone. Go torture your sister.

(BUD SHRUGS)

BUD	Fine. Mom, what was the name of the young, stupid one on the "Beverly Hillbillies"?

PEGGY	Jethro

BUD	Thanks. (CALLS OUT) Kell. It's time to study the "Fall of the House of Usher".

(HE EXITS UPSTAIRS)

PEGGY	Well, she can always be a shoe salesman, right, Al?

(HE NODS, THEN REALIZES AND STARES AT HER)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO