Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck

No Guest Cast


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundy living room, which is decorated with welcome signs for Steve. 
Marcy places a bucket of flowers and streamers above the door. Peg puts down a cake on 
the coffee table.

MARCY  I'm so exited! [steps off stool] Steve has been gone for five days. That's the
       longest we've been apart since we were married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. 
       [puts stool aside] What would you do if Al was gone for five days?

PEGGY  Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel.

She smiles. A car is heard arriving.

MARCY  Here's Steve now! Get ready!

They hide behind the couch. Al opens the door, and the bucket falls on his head. Peg and
Marcy get up, looking disappointed.

PEGGY  Al, did you have to come home?

AL     Well, the summer place is all closed up, the yacht's in dry-dock, so I thought: 
       what the hell, let's spend the night at the ghetto home! What's going on?

MARCY  We're having a welcome-back party for Steve.

AL     Oh. So the bucket-of-death wasn't really meant for me? Why aren't we having the
       party at her [points at Marcy] house? Was it because all Steve's friends couldn't
       fit in there?

MARCY  Well, you see, when Steve comes back from these trips, he comes back... ready. If
       we had the party at our house, there'd be such a mess, and Steve has trouble
       getting aroused if the house isn't clean.

She smiles sheepishly.

PEGGY  Oh. Maybe if I cleaned up, Al would get aroused [looks at Al] ...it's not worth the
       gamble.

MARCY  Steve loves his river-rafting trips. I went with him once. You can't imagine what
       it's like to ride something so wild and uncontrolled.

Al looks at Peg knowingly.

AL     Yes I can.

A car is heard arriving.

MARCY  [excitedly] That's him! Hurry! Everybody hide!

Peg and Marcy hide behind the couch. Al continues to sit on the couch and puts his feet up
on the table. The doorbell rings.

PEGGY  Get the door, Al!

AL     Uh, I can't, I'm hiding.

Peg gets up and opens the door. Steve comes in. He has a beard.

MARCY  [jumping up and down] Surprise!!!

STEVE  Hey!!! This is great!

Steve and Marcy hug.

MARCY  Oh, Steve, I missed you -

Stve leans forward to kiss Marcy but she notices the beard on his face and stops short.

MARCY  What's that on your face?

STEVE  It's a beard. Like it?

Marcy forces a smile and a giddy laugh.

STEVE  [hugging Marcy] Oh, the stories I have to tell! The very first morning -

AL     Hahahahaha. Well, all's well that ends well. [gets up] Let's get some cake, huh?

STEVE  I dunno, Marce. I'm kinda tired, you know? [stretches] Reeeally tired. Bone
       weary...

MARCY  Oh. You know, Steve, I'm kinda pooped too. Why don't you go home and shave, I'll
       put together some little sandwiches in case you want a snack between... naps...

STEVE  Actually, I was thinking of keeping the beard.

MARCY  Oh, you can, Steve. After you shave, you can keep it in a little box.

STEVE  No, I'm serious. I like it.

Al and Peg are watching from the kitchen.

PEGGY  Oh, look Al, they're gonna fight.

AL     Yeah. Good. Hide the cold-cuts where the kids won't find them.

PEGGY  Okay.

The camera moves back to Steve and Marcy

MARCY  Now, come on, Steve. Go on home and shave.

STEVE  No.

MARCY  [smiling] 'No'? 'No'?? I must have misheard you, Steve, I thought you said 'no'.
       [stops smiling] I also thought all of our decisions were going to be joint
       decisions. A beard is a decision.

STEVE  Fine. Next time you want to grow a beard, do it.

MARCY  Don't think I won't!

STEVE  The beard stays.

MARCY  It's gone. I'll see to that. You have to sleep sometime.

Marcy leaves.

STEVE  Ho-ho-ho, try it, Marcy. I sleep like the owl.

Steve leaves.

AL     [stroking his chin thoughtfully] A beard, huh?

PEGGY  It won't work, Al. I don't look at your face anyway.

Al shrugs and they go to hide the food.


SCENE TWO

The four Bundys are sitting at the kitchen table, eating.

PEGGY  Everybody like their cake?

AL     Mmmmm, yeah
BUD    Mmmm-mmmm

KELLY  You know, Mom, I swear I smell cold-cuts. Do we have some?

Al and Peg look at each other.

AL     No. Gee, I wish.
PEGGY  No. Could be nice.

AL     Hear Steve and Marcy fight last night, kids?

Kelly nods.

BUD    I'll tell you this: when I get married, my wife's not gonna tell me when to shave.

KELLY  Nah, she'll just be going 'baaaaaaaaa'. [smiles]

BUD    Sure, everybody makes fun of me 'cause I'm the only virgin in the house.

Al and Peg stop eating and look at Kelly, who looks stunned.

BUD    [looking pleased with himself] Oops...

KELLY  He's lying, dad.

BUD    Naaaaaaaa.

The doorbell rings. Al gets up and goes to open the door.

PEGGY  Come on now kids, is that the way we talk at the breakfast table?

Al opens the door to Steve, who is wearing a suit and looks very weary.

AL     Nope, sorry, Tex, no chores for you today. Maybe we'll have you chop a little wood 
       for us tomorrow. [chuckles]

Steve comes in.

STEVE  Ha ha. I'm not really in the mood for this, Al. I just came over to say I'm sorry
       if the noise kept you awake last night.

PEGGY  Ah, don't worry. We didn't hear a word. Especially when Marcy said: "I don't care
       how sad Mr. Mike is, there's no room at the inn". 

Steve gives Peg a funny look.
The doorbell rings. 

STEVE  It it's that woman, I'm not here. 

Al opens the door to Marcy.

AL     He's over there. [gestures toward Steve]

Marcy walks over to Steve.

MARCY  Steven Rhoades, don't you dare think you can walk out of this argument.

STEVE  What argument? [to Al:] Do you see an argument? No! All I see is an inn-keeper who
       doesn't honor reservations. 

MARCY  Shave the beard!

STEVE  Okay. I'll just have to go where my beard is appreciated. Somewhere where looks
       aren't important.

AL     Oh no.

Steve puts one arm around Al's shoulder and the other around Peg's shoulder.

STEVE  With my friends, the Bundys. And I will remain here until you accept this beard and
       all it stands for.

MARCY  Fine. You can stay here as long as you want.

AL     How long will that be, Steve?

STEVE  Till hell freezes over, if need be. She's gotta learn that a man's face [with a
       deep voice:] is a man's face.

MARCY  You think I'm right, don't you, Peggy?

PEGGY  I don't look at Al's face...

MARCY  All right, Steve. If you wanna play out this macho charade, go ahead. You can come
       home when your face is back to the baby's behind I fell in love with.

Marcy leaves. Steve sits on the couch.

STEVE  Where do I sleep?

Al and Peg look at each other unhappily.


SCENE THREE

Steve is in the kitchen, wearing an apron, washing dishes and whistling. Al comes in.

AL     Hi, hon. Ah, what a day. Give me a beer, will ya?

Al stretches and sits on the couch.

AL     You know, every broad that came in the store today was complaining their husbands
       don't pay enough attention to them. 

Steve walks behind Al and hands him a beer can.

AL     You smell good today, Peg.

STEVE  Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.

Al turns around and looks at Steve, startled.

AL     Steve, what the hell are you doing here?

STEVE  I live here! But I want you to know, Al, I am not going to be a bother to you. So 
       if I do anything that gets on your nerves, don't hesitate to tell me.

Steve sits next to Al. Al hugs a pillow and puts his feet on the coffee table.

STEVE  Don't put your feet on the coffee table, I just cleaned that! And don't scrunch up
       the pillows, I have to sleep there. 

Al picks up the remote control.

STEVE  Oh, and if you're gonna watch TV, remember I go to bed at 10:30 sharp.

AL     10:30? But that's when Peggy goes to sleep! That means I'll have to go up there
       with her.

STEVE  Well, I hate to punish Peggy, but I need my sleep.

AL     Well, how 'bout this, Steve: shave that bird's nest, and get the hell out!

He sniffs the air.

AL     What's that smell?

He gets up and walks to the kitchen. Steve follows him.

STEVE  It's food, Al. 

AL     Well, how did you get the stove to work? Peg said it's been broken for months.

STEVE  Nah, I checked it out. Somebody just cut the cord.

Al sharply turns his head towards his bedroom, if Peg were there.
Kelly and Bud come in through the kitchen door.

KELLY  Hey! Mr. Rhoades is making food!

BUD    Yeah! And look, he's using the bottom thing.

STEVE  It's called an oven.

BUD    Wow!
KELLY  Wow!

Al puts his arms around the kids' shoulders.


SCENE FOUR

The four Bundys have just finished eating and are sitting at the kitchen table making satisfied sounds -
except for Peg. Steve clears the plates.

AL     You know, kids, we've eaten before, but we've never really eaten. Kids, thank your
       mother for that terrific meal.

BUD    Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.
KELLY  Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.

Al and Bud get up and go to the living room.

PEGGY  [to Kelly] I set out the napkins.

Kelly gets up and pats Peg's shoulder consolingly.

KELLY  Mr. Rhoades, do you know anything about algebra?

STEVE  Well, I have been known to juggle a few numbers down at the bank.

PEGGY  I thought I was going to help you with your homework!

KELLY  Well, why not pass if you can?

Steve and Kelly go upstairs. Peg gets up and sits next to Al on the couch (who's picking 
his teeth with a toothpick).

PEGGY  What a show-off! All four burners going at once! Well, I saw, Al. He only used
       three. And that - that - that bottom thing. Just wait till our electric bill comes
       in.

AL     It's gas, Peg.

PEGGY  Ah, who cares. The point is I think we have made a big mistake by letting Steve
       stay here.

Bud and Kelly are heard laughing upstairs.

PEGGY  And I don't think it's good for the children, either. I'm going upstairs and
       putting a stop to this nonsense right now.

She gets up and heads towards the stairs, but stops.

PEGGY  You'll get rid of him in the morning, won't you, Al?

AL     Sure.

The doorbell rings. Al opens the door. Marcy is standing outside, wearing a long raincoat.

MARCY  [timidly] Hi. Is Steve here? I thought maybe we could... talk?

AL     No!

He slams the door in Marcy's face.
Al smiles satisfiedly.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peg is sitting at the kitchen table. Steve sprays some cleaning liquid onto it and wipes it 
vigorously. Al comes down the stairs.

AL     [with open arms, smiling] Good morning, Steve!  [casually:] Hey, Peg. Steve, you
       look great.

Steve hands Al a cup of coffee.

AL     I especially like that beard. Hey, let's go out tonight, buddy. Y'know, bowling, a
       movie... Hey, let's go shopping! I'll buy you something.

Peg looks at Al strangely.

STEVE  Thanks, Al, but I won't be home tonight.

AL     What's the matter, buddy? You upset about something? Is it Peggy? Did she say 
       something? 'Cause let me know, if she did she'll be out of here by night!

Peg looks displeased.

STEVE  No, Al, it's not Peggy. It's... I've gotta go to a banker's banquet tonight. 
       Marcy and I both have to be there. 

AL     [looking concerned] Well, you're not going to talk to her, are you?

STEVE  No, no. But we agreed to go together for appearance's sake.

He starts redoing Al's tie as he talks.

STEVE  It's... this banquet is important to both our careers. It'll be really
       uncomfortable for me to be there with her, I mean I haven't seen her for five days,
       I haven't touched her, I haven't smelled her, I haven't buried my face in her! 

He gives Al's tie a strong yank.

AL     Steve! Now remember what's important here. You have a beard, and a family to take
       care of. 

STEVE  Al, I'm horny! I'm thinking of shaving.

Peg jumps up from her seat.

PEGGY  Yes!!!

AL     No!!

STEVE  Al, calm down. Can we go someplace private to talk?

AL     Well, sure, buddy. Peg, get out of here!

PEGGY  Fine! I think I'll go upstairs and look through the photo album. [to Steve:] You
       know, I think I have a picture of Marcy last summer washing the car. You know, when
       she got her t-shirt wet, and you said something about taking her for a little spin,
       but you didn't use the car? You know, that picture?

She laughs and goes upstairs.

STEVE  I'm shaving, Al. I've never seen a t-shirt that wet.

AL     Sit down, Steve.

STEVE  I can't, Al.

Al eases Steve down onto the couch.

AL     Steve, I'm gonna tell you a little something I learned about life. 

STEVE  [sarcastically] Oh good! At the feet of the master again.

AL     The way I see it, nature played a cruel trick on us. 

STEVE  Well, it did move us next door to each other.

AL     All right, two tricks. But I'm talking about the one that keeps us men from ruling
       the earth. See, nature gave men the urge, and women the answer. True, it's not
       much, but it's all they need. Gee, I wish nature gave us everything, like the worm.
       Or like that guy who works down at the antique store, but... nobody asked me and
       now it's too late.

STEVE  God, that was a wet t-shirt.

AL     Steve, think dry here for a minute, will ya? See, the problem is women know we have
       these urges. But they have the same urges we do, they just don't show it because...
       but that's how spiteful they are. But Steve, they need us just as much as we need
       them. Why? Because we can do the job, and you can't take a battery home to meet
       your mother. There. I've said my piece, now what are you gonna do about it, buddy?

STEVE  I'm gonna shave and rock the house. The beard itches, Al! I'm sick of it and I look
       stupid.

AL     Well, I know you do, Steve, but at least you've got your pride! Oh, a guy like you
       can get sex anytime he wants to. [rolls his eyes] But it's pride that keeps our
       pants up, Steve. Just say "no". 

STEVE  You know something, Al? You're right. Evolution may have passed you by, but you're
       right!

AL     I know I am.

STEVE  I'm making a point here! I am fighting the good fight!

AL     You're right, Steve!

They get up and head toward the door.

AL      Uh, Steve, when you get back from this banker thing I'll still be up. Do you
        suppose you could make those little brown potatoes? I love those...

They leave. Peg comes down the stairs and signals to Marcy, who is standing out on the porch, 
to come in.

MARCY  I waited till they left. What's the big news?

PEGGY  Steve is horny. 

MARCY  I could tell - you're house is clean. Is he ready to shave the beard?

PEGGY  Almost. But of course we have the usual obstacle.

MARCY  What's Al doing?

PEGGY  Making Steve hold out until you give in.

MARCY  Ha ha ha ha ha! It'll be a cold day in -

She grasps Peg's arms.

MARCY  Oh, God, I need him!

PEGGY  Calm down, Marcy.

They sit on the couch. Marcy picks up a sock that's lying on the couch.

MARCY  [emotionally] Oh! This is one of Steve's socks.

She rubs the sock against her face, nose and mouth.

PEGGY  Yes, but Al's been wearing it.

Marcy starts to cough.

MARCY  Oh, Peggy, what am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I
       will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure!

PEGGY  Look, you don't have to give up any -- an hour and a half?? You know, if you add up
       all the sex Al and I have ever had, it still doesn't come to an hour and a half. At
       least not of pleasure. Oh well. Look, you can keep your principles and still have
       Steve. Marcy, I only want your happiness, preferably at your own house. Because you
       see, now I have healthy kids, a happy husband, and it has just got to stop. So why
       don't you do this: tonight, when you pick up Steve for this banker thing, why don't
       you wear the sleaziest, sexiest, sluttiest outfit you can find? I'll loan you
       something. 

MARCY  I couldn't do that! Our relationship isn't based on that.

PEGGY  Oh, please. Then what does it mean when you're screaming "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!",
       yet you never go to church? [Marcy hides her guilty and ashamed expression] Marcy,
       let me tell you a little something about men. You see, nature played a very cruel
       joke on them: it gave them a source of pleasure, but in order for it to work, the
       blood has to leave the brain. And, you see, it leaves them confused, disoriented and
       eager to enter into negotiations. Because the brain wants that blood back. You see,
       it needs it to go to work to pay for all those things they'd agreed to only moments
       before. You see, Marcy, we may not have upper body strength, but we do have sexual
       kryptonite. Use it, Marcy. Have him shave that beard. Oh hell, have him shave his
       head!  [chuckles] For me. 

MARCY  No. I will not stoop as low as to use sexual bartering in our marriage. I'll appeal
       to his intellect. We'll have a rational discussion, and he'll shave because he'll
       see I'm right. [pauses] Do you have any batteries?

Peg nods understandingly.


SCENE TWO

Al is sitting on the couch. Steve is standing behind him, getting ready for the banquet.

STEVE  [furiously, throwing down his tie] Ah, I hate this beard!

AL     [slowly] Just say 'no'.

Steve puts his tie on.

STEVE  I don't think I can, Al. [glances at his watch] Marcy's gonna be here soon. I was
       looking up dresses at work today, Al!

AL     Perfectly natural.

STEVE  It's natural in your business - you're a shoe salesman. A bank manager has to put
       the security cameras on the floor to do that. I did that today, Al! I'm gonna cave.
       I just know it.

AL     I know you are too, Steve. That's why I have a gift for you. A very special gift. 
       I didn't want to do this until it was absolutely necessary.

He takes a photo out of his shirt pocket.

AL     Sit down.

Steve sits down on the couch next to Al.

AL     Clear your mind, think of Marcy, and take a look at... my MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!

He shows Steve the photo. Steve screams and looks utterly disgusted. 
Al continues to hold the photo in front of Steve's face.

AL     Everybody says that. Yep, look at her, bending over at the beach, summer of '71.
       Notice the perspiration percolating in the folds of her flesh. You may wonder why
       her upper arms are blurry: there was a breeze, and we caught them in mid-flap.

STEVE  Thanks Al. I'm okay now.

AL     Steve, take it, and if you should get the urge at this banquet, take a look at it,
       it's also good for dieting.

Peg and Marcy come in. Marcy is wearing a long raincoat again. Steve stands up.

STEVE  Marcy.

MARCY  Steve.

STEVE  Your hair - you changed it.

MARCY  Yes. Like it?

Steve quickly takes a look at the photo of Peg's mother.

STEVE  Not really. Are we ready?

MARCY  All right, Steve. But first I have something to say: with regards to your beard,
       though it is your face, it has affected both of us. It does not enhance your
       business persona and it makes me terribly unhappy. So I appeal to your
       intelligence, sensitivity and good judgement by asking you to please shave the
       beard.

STEVE  No.

MARCY  In that case...

She whips off her raincoat and remains in a very sleazy bedroom outfit. She holds up an 
electric razor and turns it on and then goes outside. Steve follows her, throwing the 
photo behind him. Peg sits on the couch next to Al, looking very pleased.

AL     [after a while] Peg, you know those little brown potatoes that Steve makes? Can 
       you do that?

PEGGY  Al, you know about making love for an hour and a half, like Steve does? Can you do
       that?

They look at each other for a while.

AL     Burger king?

PEGGY  Yeah.


THE END



DIRECTED BY: LINDA DAY
WRITTEN BY: 
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: RICHARD GURMAN

STORY EDITOR: ELLEN L. FOGLE
STORY EDITOR: RALPH R. FARQUAR
CASTING: TAMMARA BILLIK
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE & MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: GERRY COHEN
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
UNIT MANAGER: BOB PIATAK
TECHNICAL MANAGER: HORACE SCOTT
PRODUCTION SERVICES COORDINATOR: TONY NEELY
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: JIM RALSTON
AUDIO: ART MORGENSTEIN
VIDEOTAPE EDITORS: LARRY HARRIS, LELAND GRAY
RE-RECORDING: BLAINE STEWART, CRAIG PORTER
COSTUES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANT: DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTRE IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT (C) 1987
EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of Article 15(2) 
of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.