September 16, 1987

Executive Producers
Michael G. Moye
and
Ron Leavitt

Supervising Producers
Richard Gurman
and
Katherine Green

Producers
Marcy Vosburgh
&
Sandy Sprung

Associate Producer
Barbara Cramer

Directed by
Linda Day

Written by
Tracy Gamble
&
Richard Vaczy

AN EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION

SHOW: #0206
TAPE: 9/18/87
AIR:  TBA


CAST
----
AL BUNDY ................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................ KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES .............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES .............. AMANDA BEARSE
WANDA ...................... LISA KAHOFER
FANNY ...................... LaRUE STANLEY
SHEILA ..................... JUDY KAIN
LOUISE ..................... CHARLOTTE CROSSLEY
ZORRO ...................... BILLY HUFSEY
BOUNCER .................... RICHARD BROSE
WAITER #1 .................. CHRISTOPHER WHALLEY
WAITER #2 .................. MIKE CHRISTIAN
WAITER #3 .................. STEVE GURI
WAITER #4 .................. NICK MONTGOMERY
HOST/ANNOUNCER ............. GEORGE SOLOMON
CONSTRUCTION WORKER ........ DOUG DONATELLI
WOMAN ANNOUNCER (O.S.) ..... CHERYL JEWELL
MAN ANNOUNCER (O.S.) ....... JIM GALLANT


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(AL IS ON THE COUCH. HE HAS A BEER, A BOWL OF CHIPS AND A BAG OF PRETZELS. PEGGY CARRIES A
VERY SMALL CARDBOARD BOX WITH FOOD IN IT. SHE PUTS IT ON THE TABLE)

PEGGY	Well, Al. I got all the food out of the refrigerator.

(SHE WIPES NON-EXISTENT SWEAT OFF HER BROW)

PEGGY	Y'know, Al I think it was nice of you to take Marcy's advice and hire a woman to fix
	the refrigerator.

AL	I wish I could hire one to fill it.

PEGGY	Dream on, Al. Well, if someone is going to work in the kitchen, I guess I'd better get
	out of the way. (WEARILY) Oh, my work never ends.

(SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS. A BEAT, THEN THE REPAIR WOMAN, WANDA ENTERS. SHE'S A BEAUTY IN JEAN
SHORTS)

WANDA	I'm ready now, Mr. Bundy.

AL	Me, too.

(SHE CROSSES TO THE REFRIGERATOR. AL MOVES HIS BEER, CHIPS AND PRETZELS TO THE TABLE, SETTLES
IN AND WATCHES HER BEND OVER. HE LOOKS APPRECIATIVELY AND MAKES APPRECIATIVE SOUNDS)

WANDA	Let me just check out the wiring, Mr. Bundy.

AL	Take your time. I'll just be looking over your... shoulder.

(WANDA REACHES WAY BACK, PULLS SOMETHING OUT)

WANDA	Look at this. Directions on how to clean the oven... still in it's original plastic.

AL	(TAKES IT) That's the little woman. I'll just put this in the attic with her iron.

SFX: DOORBELL

AL	Excuse me. Just keep lookin'.

(HE RUNS TO THE DOOR. HE OPENS IT TO STEVE)

STEVE	What's the emergency, Al?

AL	It's in the kitchen. (LEADS STEVE OVER TO KITCHEN AND SETS HIM UP FOR A GOOD VIEW)

STEVE	You brought me all the way over here just to see that?

AL	Uh-huh.

STEVE	(APPRECIATIVE) Thanks, Al.

(STEVE POPS OPEN A BEER. THEY JUST GAZE AT WANDA FOR A FEW BEATS)

STEVE	Y'know, Al. This brings back a lot of memories. I saw one of those in college once. I
	used to jog behind her for hours. I ran a marathon once and didn't even know it.

(STEVE SIGHS WITH THE MEMORY. THEY GO BACK TO WATCHING)

STEVE	You know her name?

AL	Yeah. But I'm calling her Heidi.

(WANDA REACHES BEHIND CRISPER AND PULLS SOMETHING ELSE OUT)

WANDA	Mr. Bundy, I just found something else. Report cards for your daughter, Kelly.

AL	I knew that school still gave out report cards.

(SHE GOES BACK TO WORK)

STEVE	Y'know, Al. I feel kind of like a pig, standing here, enjoying myself, staring at a
	poor unsuspecting woman as if she were nothing but a piece of meat. (INDICATING WANDA)
	Look, Al. She's moving.

AL	Yeah. Looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.

(THEY TOAST. MARCY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, UNSEEN BY THE GUYS. MARCY COMES UP BEHIND
THEM)

STEVE	I think it looks like an apple, Al.

MARCY	What kind of apple, Steve?

STEVE	A little red one. You know how they are just before you pick...

(HE LOOKS BACK AT MARCY. THEN TO AL)

STEVE	You're a pig, Al. Hello, Marcy.

WANDA	I've got to go back to the shop and get some more tools.

(SHE CROSSES OUT. AL WATCHES HER GO, STEVE TRIES NOT TO, BUT CAN'T. HE SNEAKS A LOOK, IN CASE
IT'S HIS LAST. MARCY WATCHES HIM)

MARCY	(TO STEVE) This is why you left the PBS Pledge Drive?

STEVE	Well, this is something like Masterpiece Theater.

MARCY	I can't believe it. You're just as bad as Al. You're worse than Al. He's nothing
	but a Neanderthal sexist but at least he doesn't hide it.

AL	Hide it? I've got a T-shirt that says it.

MARCY	I never thought I'd say this. But Steven Rhoades, under that sensitive, caring facade,
	you're nothing but a... a... man.

STEVE	That's not true!

(PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS)

PEGGY	Oh, hi there, Marcy.

MARCY	Peg, do you know what's going on underneath your very own roof?

PEGGY	Well, we're rotting our lives away, but the kids seem to enjoy it.

MARCY	Not that. Our husbands have been ogling the repair girl.

STEVE	That's repair woman.

(MARCY STARES AT HIM)

PEGGY	Oh, calm down, Marcy, men will look at anything.

(PEGGY BENDS OVER TO PICK UP A BAG OF CHIPS. AL AND STEVE LOOK AWAY)

PEGGY	By the way, Marcy. Are you busy tonight.

MARCY	I don't know. Steve and I were going to go to a fundraiser for my women's group, but
	since I think Steve would be spending the evening looking up the toastmaster's dress
	I guess I'm free tonight.

AL	Was it going to be formal, Steve? Y'know, a bunch of three hundred pound women in
	crewcuts and flannel shirts?

STEVE	Well, actually, some wear tweed.

MARCY	Keep it up, Steven. Just sliiide down that evolutionary scale. Peggy, I'm definitely
	free tonight. What did you have in mind?

PEGGY	Why don't you come over tonight. The neighborhood girls are dropping by.

MARCY	That sounds like fun. I'll bring a cake.

AL	Oh, there's gonna be cake? Better watch your fingers when you set it out. Fanny's
	been known to debone a chicken from across the room.

PEGGY	(COLDLY) It wasn't from across the room, Al.

MARCY	I'll be here. Steve, I'm going home now. You, you can put a little mirror on your
	shoes and go downtown for secretary lunch time.

STEVE	Oh, Marce. C'mon. So I stared at a hiney. Does that make me a bad guy?

(THEY EXIT)

PEGGY	So, Al, you were starting at that girl, too?

AL	(FONDLY) Yeah.

PEGGY	Bet she had great legs, huh?

AL	(FONDLY) Yeah.

PEGGY	Good breasts?

AL	Oh yeah.

PEGGY	Wanna go upstairs?

AL	Yeah.

(PEGGY SMILES AND HEADS UP. AL STARTS TO FOLLOW DREAMILY, THEN)

AL	Wait a second. With you?

PEGGY	Yeah.

(AL SHRUGS. THEY EXIT UPSTAIRS)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT

(AL'S COMFORTABLE IN FRONT OF THE TUBE, WHILE MARCY VISITS IN THE KITCHEN WITH PEGGY'S 
FRIENDS: FANNY THE CHICKEN DE-BONER; SHEILA, AND LOUSIE. THEY ARE CHOWING DOWN)

FANNY	Isn't there any more cake? Oh, sorry about your finger, Marcy.

(MARCY HOLDS UP FINGER WITH BANDAGE)

MARCY	That's okay. It's only a flesh wound.

LOUISE	I can't believe your husbands were staring at that poor girl.

FANNY	You know, because of men like that, I don't even wear shorts anymore.

AL	You sure it wasn't because of the guys with the harpoons?

SHEILA	(TO PEGGY) Must he be here?

PEGGY	We had sex today.

(THE WOMEN NOD, UNDERSTANDING)

SFX: DOORBELL

AL	Must be the beef people.

(AL OPENS THE DOOR. STEVE ENTERS WITH FLOWERS. HE CROSSES TO MARCY)

SHEILA	(TO MARCY) Is that the other pig?

MARCY	It is.

(THEY LOOK AT HIM, THEN TURN AWAY. AL SITS AT THE TABLE WITH THE WOMEN)

AL	Don't challenge 'em, Steve. They've sent stronger men than you, screaming to their
	graves.

STEVE	Anyway, Marce. I brought you flowers.

PEGGY	How come you don't bring me flowers, Al?

AL	We had sex today.

PEGGY	I know, but something I could enjoy would be nice.

AL	I'll remember that next month when you come beggin'.

PEGGY	(PANICKED) I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(AL MAGNANIMOUSLY PARDONS HER WITH A SHRUG. HE STRUTS BACK TO THE COUCH)

STEVE	Marcy, can I just talk to you for a second?

MARCY	Steve, please, I'm talking to my new friends.

FANNY	Marcy, he's undressing me with his eyes.

STEVE	That would take years, madam.

(STEVE CROSSES TO AL. THE WOMEN LOOK AT HIM EVILLY)

SHEILA	I'm tired of sitting around the house. I do that all day long. Let's go out tonight.

LOUISE	Someplace fun.

PEGGY	I know. Let's go to Troy's.

(OTHER WOMEN AD-LIB "YEAH," "GOOD IDEA," ETC)

MARCY	Oh, that sounds like fun. What's Troy's?

(AND WE)

FLIP TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. RICK'S NIGHTCLUB - LATER THAT NIGHT

(MALE STRIP JOINT, A LA CHIPPENDALES'S. A BUMP AND GRIND IS IN PROGRESS WITH A "CONSTRUCTION
WORKER" STRUTTING MID-STAGE. AN ENTHUSIASTIC CROWD OF WOMEN SIT AT COCKTAIL TABLES OR STAND
FOR A BETTER VIEW, WAGGING DOLLARS. PEGGY, MARCY, SHEILA, LOUISE, AND FANNY ENTER)

MARCY	Peggy, this is a strip joint!

PEGGY	Really? I didn't know. I must've passed by a dozen times, but I've never actually been
	in.

(VARIOUS BARE-CHESTED WAITERS PASS-BY)

WAITER1	Hi, Mrs. Bundy!

WAITER2	Hey, Mrs. Bundy, how's it going?

WAITER3	Big Red. How you doin'?

(MARCY JUST LOOKS AT PEGGY)

PEGGY	Okay, so I've been here once.

(THE HOST/ANNOUNCER APPROACHES)

HOST/AN	Usual table, Mrs. Bundy?

PEGGY	(SHRUGS TO MARCY) But I tipped well.

(THE HOST/ANNOUNCER LEADS THE LADIES TO A TABLE CLOSE TO THE STAGE AND THE WOMEN SIT)

MARCY	Peggy, I can't believe we're here. Does Al approve of you coming to places like this?

PEGGY	He's got mixed feelings. Actually, he doesn't know.

WAITER4	Good evening, ladies. Mrs. Bundy. Can I get you something?

(THE GIRLS GIGGLE UNCONTROLLABLY, THEN)

PEGGY	Oh, just bring us five of the usual.

WAITER4	Five strawberry fanny bangers and change for a hundred.

(HE EXITS. MARCY REACTS WITH A WINCE TO THE DANCING ON THE STAGE)

MARCY	Uh, Peggy, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable here.

PEGGY	That's okay. It usually takes me a while to warm up, too.

(A STRIPPER DANCES BY THEIR TABLE. HE DANCES BY MARCY. PEGGY KNOCKS HER OUT OF THE WAY)

PEGGY	Gangway!

(SHE DANGLES A DOLLAR AND DANCES WITH HIM)

CWORKER	Hey. Mrs. Bundy's back.

HOST/AN	We're rich.

(THE WOMEN MAKE ANIMAL SOUNDS. PEGGY TUCKS A DOLLAR INTO HIS WAISTBAND, THEN SITS BACK DOWN)

PEGGY	(TO MARCY) They keep it pretty hot in here, don't they?

MARCY	Peggy, you just put a dollar bill in that guy's pants. Why?

PEGGY	Because my checkbook makes him walk funny.

MARCY	How long are we gonna be here?

PEGGY	Not long. Just long enough to spend this.

(WHIPS OUT HUGE ROLL OF SINGLES. MARCY REACTS. THE OTHER WOMEN THEN HOOT AS THE CONSTRUCTION
STRIPPER REMOVES HIS BRIEFS. HE TOSSES THEM IN THE AIR AND THEY LAND SQUARELY ON MARCY'S HEAD.
FANNY, SHEILA AND LOUISE FIGHT OVER MARCY'S HEAD)

HOST/AN	Well, ladies. That was our Construction worker. He has a tool for every occasion, eh,
	ladies?

(THE LADIES SCREAM)

MARCY	(BURIES HEAD IN HANDS) I think I should be going.

HOST/AN	(O.S.) Now, ladies, how 'bout a big Troy's welcome for our Latin Lover -- El Zorro!

PEGGY	Ola, muchacho!

(AND ZORRO COMES OUT TO A WILD RECEPTION. HE DANCES OVER TO MARCY AND STARTS TO BUMP AND GRIND
RIGHT IN HER FACE. MARCY PEEKS THROUGH HER HANDS AND SLOWLY HER HEAD STARTS TO MOVE WITH THE
BEAT)

PEGGY	(HANDS BILL TO MARCY) Go on, tip him.

MARCY	I'm not putting money down a man's pants.

(HE BUMPS IN HER FACE. SHE WINCES)

MARCY	It's dirty, it's immoral, it's degrading...

FLIP TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

INT. TROY'S - A LITTLE LATER THAT NIGHT

(ZORRO'S ACT IS IN PROGRESS AT ONE END OF THE ROOM. DOLLARS ARE STICKING OUT OF ZORRO'S
WAISTBAND. MARCY IS A WOMAN POSSESSED)

MARCY	Dollars! Dollars! Give me more dollars!

PEGGY	Marcy, calm down.

MARCY	(EYES GLAZED) Zorro doesn't come back unless you give him dollars.

(MARCY SEES ONE OF THE WOMEN HOLDING A DOLLAR. SHE SNATCHES IT AND JUMPS UP ON A CHAIR WAVING
A DOLLAR)

MARCY	Hey. Zorro. Bump it back this way, honey.

(HE STARTS TO DANCE OVER)

MARCY	Aa-tta boy.

(ZORRO WAVES HER OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR. SHE OBLIGES. SHE DANCES WITH HIM. THEY TANGO)

PEGGY	It's always the quiet ones.

(MARCY STUFFS A BILL IN ZORRO'S BRIEFS. HE RESPONDS WITH A KISS ON THE CHEEK, THEN DANCES
AWAY. MARCY DANCES BACK TO THE TABLE. THE WOMEN EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES WITH MARCY. SHE SUDDENLY
SHRIEKS, THEN FURIOUSLY LOOKS ABOUT)

MARCY	My wedding ring! It's gone! (SUDDEN REALIZATION) Peggy! I lost my wedding ring down
	Zorro's pants!

(AND ON HER LOOK, WE)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. TROY'S - CONTINUOUS

HOST/AN	Let's hear it, ladies. That was Zorro!

(ZORRO EXITS BACKSTAGE TO APPLAUSE)

MARCY	Peggy. He's got my wedding ring. What are we gonna do?

PEGGY	Treasure hunt.

(SHE TAKES MARCY'S HANDS AND THEY HEAD FOR THE BACKSTAGE ENTRANCE. THEY'RE STOPPED BY THE
BOUNCER)

BOUNCER	Hold it right there, ladies.

MARCY	Listen, we need to get backstage.

PEGGY	Yes. We have to get something out of Zorro's pants.

BOUNCER	That old story again, Mrs. Bundy?

MARCY	But this is an emergency.

BOUNCER	Yeah, right. Look, lady, we used to let women backstage, until the big riot. Now,
	nobody's allowed back there. We call it the Bundy rule.

PEGGY	(SHRUGS TO MARCY) It was two for one on the fanny bangers that night.

MARCY	It's my wedding ring! I want it back or I'll see you in court.

BOUNCER	I don't think so. You see... (INDICATES SIGN ON WALL) "Troy's is not responsible for
	valuables lost in any part of a dancer". Once again, the Bundy Rule.

MARCY	Peggy, what are we going to do?

PEGGY	Well, the Cowboy's coming out.

MARCY	I mean about my ring. (TAKES OUT PEN AND PAPER) I know! I'll write Zorro a note. 
	That's it. He'll read it, find my ring, bring it over tomorrow, Steve'll answer the
	door, kill me... No, this won't work. Okay, I have another plan. I'll write Zorro a
	note, but I'll give him your phone number and address. That is, if you don't mind.

PEGGY	Sure, I don't mind. As long as he comes before what's his name comes home from work.

(MARCY WRITES A NOTE. ANOTHER DANCER STARTS TO DANCE NEAR THEM. PEGGY MOVES IN PLACE. MARCY
FINISHES WRITING)

MARCY	Thanks, Peg. You really are the very best friend I've got.

(SHE TURNS. PEGGY IS GONE, OFF WITH THE COWBOY. MARCY TURNS TO BOUNCER)

MARCY	Could you just make sure Zorro gets this, please?

BOUNCER	I'll just put it with the others.

(THE BOUNCER PULLS OUT A MAIL SACK MARKED "ZORRO". HE DUMPS MARCY'S NOTE, ALONG WITH AN
ARMFUL OF OTHERS, INSIDE. MARCY REACTS. PEGGY DANCES BY)

MARCY	Oh, Peggy, if he doesn't see that note, I'm doomed.

PEGGY	Don't worry, Marce. You know I'm here for you. Yee-ha!

(SHE DANCES AWAY WITH HIM. WE HEAR THE WOMEN CHANT, "SHARE, SHARE, SHARE, SHARE")

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

(PEGGY SPORTS A TEN-GALLON COWBOY HAT AS SHE VACUUMS)

PEGGY	(SINGING) I got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle...

SFX: DOORBELL

(SHE CROSSES TO CLOSET AND HANGS UP THE COWBOY HAT NEXT TO AN ASSORTMENT OF MALE STRIPPER
HATS -- A MINER'S CAP, COP HELMET, AN INDIAN HEADDRESS, ETC. SHE THEN CROSSES TO THE DOOR,
LETTING MARCY IN)

MARCY	(ANXIOUS) Any sign of Zorro?

PEGGY	No, but I think I slept with his horse last night.

(A DEFLATED MARCY SITS)

MARCY	Steve is going to go crazy. My ring's gone forever.

PEGGY	Marcy, relax. Men don't notice things like that.

MARCY	Not Steven. He notices everything. Do you know what we do in bed sometimes?

PEGGY	Yeah. Bud tells us.

MARCY	Oh. (BEAT) Well, anyway, Steve and I lie in bed, then we put our ring fingers
	together. We gaze at our wedding bands, then kiss.

PEGGY	Then Bud made up that thing about Little Bo Peep and The Cop?

MARCY	(LONG BEAT) Yes, he did. (BEAT) Oh, what's the difference? He'll never pull me over
	again. How can I tell Steve I lost my wedding ring. It's an irreplaceable symbol of
	our love everlasting.

PEGGY	So buy a cheap copy.

MARCY	Yeah!

(AL ENTERS)

AL	Hi, Peg. Boy am I starved.

PEGGY	Gotta run, Al. Marcy and I are going shopping. Dinner's in the supermarket.

(THEY EXIT. AL REACTS)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY

(AL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING TV)

SFX: TV ON

WMN ANN	(O.S.) (SINGS) (TO THE TUNE OF "CAMP GRANADA" WHICH WE HEAR IS PUBLIC DOMAIN) "I'm a
	woman, wife and mother. I earn money, like no other. Give him backrubs, Do his 
	laundry, And have dinner on the table when he's hungry".

(HE TAKES A SAD BITE OF BEEF JERKY)

MAN ANN	(O.S.) Impossible Dream Pantyhose. For the self-deluded.

SFX: DOORBELL

(AL TURNS OFF THE TV)

SFX: TV OFF

(HE CROSSES TO ANSWER DOOR. "ZORRO" STANDS THERE DRESSED HEAD TO TOE IN BLACK LEATHER. HE
AD-LIBS A "HI, THERE")

AL	I'm sorry. Kelly's at her grandmother's.

ZORRO	Actually I'm looking for Marcy Rhoades. Does she live here?

AL	Practically. Who wants to know?

ZORRO	I'm Raoul. Y'know, Zorro.

AL	I'm Al. Y'know, suspicious.

ZORRO	Al? Al Bundy? You're married to Big Red. The rich woman with the sharp nails.

AL	Who are you?

ZORRO	I'm an exotic dancer at Troy's.

AL	That's great. Listen, I'd invite you in, but instead I think I'll just kick the crap
	out of you.

ZORRO	Then, perhaps I'll just deliver my message and run. Your wife's friend, Mrs. Rhoades.
	The one we call "The Tentacle". She lost this wedding ring down my pants during the
	show last night. I'm dropping it off for her.

AL	(BEAT) Come in.

(HE DOES)

AL	Raoul, is it?

ZORRO	Well, actually it's Wilbur. (MODESTLY) But actually I'm kinda too good lookin' to be
	a Wilbur.

AL	(PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDERS) You betcha. So tell me. Exactly what was this
	Marcy doing when she lost her ring down your -- underpants was it?

ZORRO	Yes, sir. She was tipping me. Would you see to it that she gets this ring?

AL	As much as you believe you're too good looking to be a Wilbur, believe that she'll get
	it.

ZORRO	Thank you, Mr. Bundy.

AL	(TAKES RING) Thank you, Raoul. (BEAT, THEN PLEASANTLY) And by the way. If my wife
	should happen to lose anything down your pants... so will you.

ZORRO	Hasta luego, Mr. Bundy.

AL	Right back at ya.

(AL SLAMS THE DOOR ON ZORRO. HE EYES THE RING, FLOPS DOWN ON COUCH AND POPS HIS BEER. HE LOOKS
AT THE RING)

AL	(READS) "To our everlasting love. Steven".

SFX: DOORBELL

(AL SHOVES RING IN POCKET AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR)

AL	Gee, I hope it's Steve.

(HE OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE)

AL	Hi, Steve.

STEVE	Hi, Al. Who's that guy in the black Porsche?

AL	Santa Claus. (A BEAT) Come on in. So, Steve, how's Marcy doing? Still mad at you,
	buddy?

STEVE	I dunno. She said she forgave me, but I could tell she was still tense. She just sat
	there with her hands in her pockets, staring at the floor. I feel like dirt, Al.

AL	We'll get back to that. But first, let me tell you something about women, Steve.

STEVE	Uh oh.

AL	Women love it when we look at 'em like slabs of beef. You think they wear those tight
	fitting clothes just so some other broad can say, "Gee your hips look succulent"?
	Well, I mean, some do, and they become gym teachers, but I'm talkin' about women.
	Let's face it, Steve. Until they get married they care how they look. What else do
	they have. Brains? Wit? (DISGUSTED) Come on. The good lookin' ones know we're looking,
	and God bless 'em, they're carrying the rest of the sex.

STEVE	Al, I'm an educated man. Don't you think I know all that? I just feel so guily. I
	mean, everytime I look at Marcy's face I just see that girl's hiney. It's wrong, Al.
	And I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.

AL	She is a special person... (TOSSING IT OFF) By the way, here's her wedding ring
	that she lost down some guy's jock at a strip joint last night -- anyway... back to
	this woman thing... I for one look forward to the day a woman is President.

STEVE	Uh, wait a second, Al. What's this about Marcy losing her wedding ring?

AL	Oh, yeah. Here.

(HE GIVES STEVE THE RING)

AL	I got it from the guy whose underpants it was wedged into. But don't worry, Steve.
	He's just a stripper, named Zorro. It was probably nothing meaningful. And if I know
	Marcy, she probably lost it with dignity, because, as we know, we're dirt, and she's
	evolved.

STEVE	I can't believe it. My wife's wedding ring.

AL	Oh, Steve. I never would have told you if I thought you'd be upset. But I'm giving
	you a present. It's not just a wedding ring. What you have there is what I like to
	call a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. You can hold it, save it, and use it anytime.

STEVE	(DISBELIEVING) She's got (INDICATES HIMSELF) all this, and she goes to a strip joint?

(AL STARES AT HIM A BEAT)

AL	(HUMORING HIM) Hey, you coulda knocked me over with a feather. But, back to something
	interesting. How do we make her pay? I know. The next time she has a woman's group
	meeting at the house, stroll in and say "Hey. Eight broads in my house, and I got
	dirty dishes"? Let her get mad, then pat the ring in your pocket and make the mark of
	the Z.

STEVE	Al, I'm going to have a Stepford wife.

AL	Atta boy. But do me one favor. When you strip away every ounce of humanity, every
	shred of pride she has, just when she's bending down to kiss your feet, tell her you
	got the ring from (DRAMATICALLY) Al Bundy.

(STEVE NODS SOLEMNLY. THEY HUG. STEVE EXITS. AL SITS ON THE COUCH)

AL	I've done a good thing and I deserve a reward.

(HE CLOSES HIS EYES)

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. RICK'S - NIGHT

(A THRONG OF WOMEN WITH DOLLARS WAIT EAGERLY)

HOST/AN	And now (DRAMATICALLY) The Shoe Salesman.

(AL SASHAYS OUT. THE WOMEN GO CRAZY. THEY SHOWER HIM WITH MONEY, KEYS, PANTIES. WANDA RUSHES
ONSTAGE, PUSHING PEGGY OUT OF THE WAY. SHE RUBS AGAINST HIM AND SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT. SHE
STARTS TO RIP HIS SHIRT WITH HER TEETH)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(AL IS SMILING. HE SIGHS DEEPLY)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

INT. RHOADES BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT

(STEVE, IN BATHROBE, PACES, LOOKING AT THE WEDDING RING. HE PRACTICES)

STEVE	No, I don't think the floors are clean enough, Marcy. Wash them again. With you hair.

MARCY	(O.S.) Steve, hi.

(STEVE STUFFS RING IN ENVELOPE AND INTO POCKET. MARCY ENTERS)

STEVE	Hi. Where've you been?

MARCY	Er... out shopping with Peg.

STEVE	Gee. That's the second night in a row you've been out with Peggy. Oh, well, I guess
	you're a good example for her.

MARCY	Hmm? Oh. Well, I try to be. (BEAT) You know, Steve, I think I've been too hard on
	you these past two days.

STEVE	Oh?

MARCY	Yes. I mean, there's nothing wrong with looking at another human being and
	appreciating their form.

STEVE	Oh?

MARCY	Yes. I mean, I was wrong to yell at you for looking at that girl.

STEVE	Oh, so you forgive me? That's big of you.

MARCY	Oh, Steve, you're the sweetest husband in the world. I'm the one who should apologize.
	There's nothing wrong with a little physical attraction. After all, that's what first
	attracted me to you.

STEVE	(MODESTLY) Well... I guess I am sort of the Whole Ball of Wax.

MARCY	I remember the first time I saw you, running that marathon. Your arms were tense,
	your chest was heaving. There were tears in your eyes. But still you tried to catch
	that woman in the lead.

(STEVE REACTS)

MARCY	I love you, Steve. (BEAT) Do you forgive me?

STEVE	Of course.

(THEY HUG)

STEVE	Oh, this came for you. Somebody dropped it off at Al's.

(HANDS MARCY ENVELOPE. SHE REACTS NERVOUSLY)

MARCY	Wh... what is it?

STEVE	(BEAT) I don't know. It was for you.

(MARCY TAKES ENVELOPE. STEVE INTENTIONALLY TURNS TO MIRROR AND PRETENDS TO YAWN AND STRETCH.
MARCY RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM. WE HEAR PAPER RIPPING)

MARCY	(O.S.) All right!

(STEVE REACTS, SHAKES HIS HEAD IN AWE)

SFX: TOILET FLUSHING

(MARCY ENTERS. SHE LOOKS RELIEVED)

STEVE	So, what was it?

MARCY	Ohhh, coupons. From Peg. So I tore them into little bits and flushed them down the
	toilet. I love you, Steve.

STEVE	I love you, Marcy.

(STEVE AND MARCY HUG. THEY KISS. THEY SIT ON THE BED AND DO THEIR RING RITUAL: THEY LOOK AT
THEIR RING FINGERS, THEN JOIN THEM, THEN KISS. MARCY REACHES OVER AND SNAPS OFF LAMP. AFTER
A FEW BEATS IN TOTAL DARKNESS...)

STEVE	Soooo... You lost your ring down Zorro's pants, eh?

(AND ON MARCY'S WHIMPER, WE)

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO