TRANSCRIPT:
0205 (020)
FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
Regular Cast:
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck
No Guest Cast.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
The Bundy kitchen.
Peggy is speaking on the phone.
PEGGY: Now Mom, just because the kids don’t write, doesn’t mean they don’t love you. [pause]
Oh, they told you they didn’t love you? Well, they didn’t mean it. You know our kids.
You know, I’m sure if you sent them some money, they’d love you. [pause] No, I couldn’t
watch ”You be the Judge” today. They put this new street light up in front of the house,
and I was watching the men work with their shirts off. [pause] Oh, of course I took
pictures. [pause] Yeah, the new crime light is real nice. Everyone in the neighborhood
is real happy about it.
Al enters.
AL: I hate those new crime lights. [he hangs up his jacket and walks over to Peggy] They
make everything look yellow. This neighborhood is ugly enough during the day without
having to look at it at night.
PEGGY: [on phone] I can’t comment on that right now, Mom. Al just alt-way in the or-day.
AL: Pig Latin, Peg? It must be your mother. Tell her I said ‘oink’.
Al walks over to the kitchen table.
AL: What are these envelopes on the table, Peg? Is this supper?
Al starts sifting through the envelopes.
AL It’s a bill for that crime light! A $50 assessment!! Peg, they’re charging me fifty
bucks.
Peggy, who is still on the phone, just shrugs.
AL: Gee, I wish I had someone to pay my bills so I could go... [he shrugs] Oh, gee, look,
Dear, the new telephone bill came. Let’s see. Oh, there’s some big fat bills from
Milwaukee. You know anybody big and fat from Milwaukee Peg?
PEGGY: [on phone] Hold on, Mom.
AL: That’s right, your mother. Did she call collect again?
PEGGY: [to Al] No, Al. I called her.
AL: Smart shopping. Tell her I wanna talk to her.
PEGGY: [on phone] Mom, Al has something he wants to say to you.
Peggy hands the phone to Al.
Al immediately hangs up.
AL: You’re making too many calls, Peg. Now, look at this bill: Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
Milwaukee. I’ll bet this whole thing comes to [looks at bill] $253!!! [shouting]
Family meeting.
Buck comes down the stairs.
AL: The whole family.
KELLY: [from upstairs] I’m on the phone, Dad.
Al picks up the phone.
AL: [on phone] I said family meeting.
Al hangs up the phone.
Al walks over to the couch and sits.
Bud and Kelly come down the stairs and stand next to Peggy.
AL: Family...
Al stares at the others.
AL: ...coven. I thought we agreed to cut down our calls.
BUD: I only made necessary calls this month, Dad.
KELLY: Me too.
PEGGY: Me too.
AL: [holding up the bill] Well, who made these toll calls at two bucks a pop ten times in a
row here? Who called 555-STUD?
Kelly and Peggy both look guilty, they start to raise their hands. Kelly notices Peggy raising
her hand and she lowers hers.
KELLY: [with pretend shock] Oh, Mom!!
AL: Who called Dial-a-prayer?
BUD: I did, Dad. [he joins Al on the couch] But don’t pay. Kelly’s still here.
AL: [examining the bill] Let’s see what else we have here. Sports hotline, sports hotline,
sports hotline, those are ok. Wait a second, wait. Vancouver $80. Kelly?
KELLY: Oh, sure, all eyes turn to me. Well, let me ask you this. If I did know somebody in
Vancouver, don’t you think I’d be living with them and not here?
AL: True enough. Bud?
BUD: America first, Dad.
Al stands and walks over to Peggy.
AL: How about it, Peg? Your mother gotten so fat she’s spread across the border?
PEGGY: Al, I did not call Vancouver. And Mom is down to nearly 200.
Peggy walks over to the couch and sits.
AL: So nobody called Vancouver? Okay, it’s a mistake. I’m not paying for mistakes. I’ve
been doing that since the day I got married.
Al walks over to the phone.
AL: All right, I’ll call the phone company. What’s the phone company number?
PEGGY: Dial information.
AL: See, that’s just what I’m talking about. This is a perfect example of how to save. We
want a phone number, we use the phone book.
PEGGY: I was gonna burn that for heat, Al.
Al mutters expletives to himself.
SCENE TWO
Al and Peggy’s bedroom.
Al and Peggy are getting ready for bed.
AL: ‘We find no error’! I’m on hold for 45 minutes listening to the muzak version of
‘Muskrat Love’ and they can find no error. Now that the kids are gone, I ask you one
more time. Did you make that call to Vancouver?
Al sits on the end of the bed next to Peggy.
PEGGY: Al, that call was made at nine in the morning. Now you know very well that that is when
I go back to sleep after you’ve gone to work.
AL: I’m sorry. I can’t believe they’re gonna make me pay for this, Peg.
Peggy shrugs, gets up and goes to bed.
AL: Why don’t you become a game show host? Contestant comes on, says ”I want $10,000”. You
shrug, I come out and pay him, the game’s over. We’ll call the show ‘That Idiot Al’.
Al gets up and goes to bed.
PEGGY: Honey, I’m sure it’ll work out one way or another. Now just go to sleep.
AL: Oh, I’m sure it will work out. I’ll pay for a light I didn’t want, pay for a phone call
I didn’t make, pay for a house, a dog, kids, cat...
PEGGY: [cuddling in] Well, you know, there’s still some things we can do for free. You know,
like dust off Mr Van Winkle and bring him over for a visit.
Al turns to look at Peggy.
PEGGY: Sex, Al.
AL: Great, the one thing I would pay for.
PEGGY: Me too. Good night, Al.
Peggy returns to her side of the bed and switches the light off.
A bright yellow beam from the security light shines across Al’s face. Al tosses and turns but
the light shines directly on him.
PEGGY: Honey, would you be still? I’m trying desperately to pretend you’re someone else.
Al keeps tossing and turning, eventually he turns round so his feet are on the pillow.
PEGGY: Settle down, Al, and go to sleep.
Peggy leans over to kiss Al and accidentally kisses his feet.
PEGGY: [realising what she has kissed] Yeuch!!!
AL: Where the hell is that light coming from?
PEGGY: That’s the new crime light, Al. [looking at Al’s feet] It’s shining on an appropriate
Place: your feet.
AL: Ah, this just gets better and better.
Al gets out of bed and walks over to the window.
AL: [shouting out of the window] $50 to have a light shine in my face! [to Peggy] This is
Great. I’m a victim, that’s what I am. City charges $50 to shine a light in my face -
nothing I can do about it. Phone company charges me $80 for a phone call I never made -
nothing I can do about it. Well, from now on Al Bundy is gonna do something about it.
[he goes back to bed] Tomorrow I’m gonna get that Vancouver phone call taken off my
bill, then I’m gonna go down and have the city move that stupid light. From now on, Al
Bundy is gonna live with a little bitta dignity.
Al lies back in bed with the beam of light across his eyes, he then lifts one of Peggy’s bras
over his face as a night mask.
SCENE THREE
The Bundy kitchen.
Kelly is on the phone.
KELLY: Okay Marilyn, you ready?
Kelly picks up a whistle and gives a very loud blast down the phone.
KELLY: There, that should take care of Bud if he was listening. Now who’s pregnant?
In the living room Peggy is sitting on the couch sorting the washing.
Bud comes down the stairs.
BUD: Hi Mom.
PEGGY: Hi honey.
Bud stands behind Peggy.
BUD: [loudly] WHAT!
PEGGY: Whatcha been doing?
Bud strains to hear Peggy.
BUD: [loudly] WHAT!!
PEGGY: [speaking loudly] Bud, you’ve been listening in on Kelly’s call, haven’t you? You
remember what I told you about that.
BUD: Yeah, you said ‘be careful, she’s got a whistle now’.
Bud holds his nose and blows sharply to try to clear his ears.
BUD: That’s better. [he sits next to Peggy] Where’s Dad?
PEGGY: Oh, he went down to the phone company this morning.
BUD: Uh oh.
PEGGY: Oh, don’t worry about it. Your father does a lot of dumb things, but even he knows you
can’t fight the phone company.
KELLY: [on phone] Hello??
Kelly tries pressing the buttons on the phone.
KELLY: [on phone] Hello???
Kelly hangs up and walks over to Peggy.
KELLY: Mom, the phone just went dead.
Al enters.
AL: Well, you’re looking at a hero.
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
The Bundy living room.
There are lots of chairs arraigned in rows with Peggy sitting on one of them and all the
others are empty. Kelly is sitting on the stairs and Steve is sitting on the couch. Al is
standing behind Steve.
AL: [addressing the empty chairs] The phone company doesn’t care about just one man. But if
all of us stand together, we can bring these bureaucratic morons to their knees. [to
Peggy] Peg, did you tell all the neighbors to come?
PEGGY: I told all our friends.
AL: And...
Peggy looks round at all the empty chairs.
PEGGY: They’re here. Al, why don’t you just break down and pay the phone bill?
AL: I’m not giving in. Nobody ever died because they didn’t have a telephone.
Kelly is sitting on the stairs hugging the phone rocking backwards and forwards dementedly.
AL: Kelly, would you go upstairs? You’re depressing us.
Kelly walks up the stairs hugging the telephone.
Steve stands and walks over to Al.
STEVE: Al, why don’t you just pay for that phone call?
AL: Excuse me. Did I hear the trace of a Vacouvian accent, Steve?
STEVE: I didn’t make the call.
AL: Why not, where you out - or should I say ‘oot’ - at the time?
PEGGY: Gee, Steve. This is a little like living with Columbo. You know, a dirty wrinkled
man who won’t give up.
AL: [to Peggy] Well, I’m never gonna give up. [to Steve] And by the way, Steve, what was
Marcy’s maiden name? It wouldn’t have been ‘Knuck’ by any chance?
STEVE: Al, aren’t you punishing your family enough by living with them? Why punish them more
over one lousy $80 phone bill?
AL: One lousy $80 phone bill! Oh, forgive me, oh sheik Achmed Rhoades.
Al walks into the kitchen to join Peggy.
AL: Peg, where’s that spare 80 I used to light my cigars?
Marcy enters.
MARCY: Hi.
STEVE: Oh, ho ho. Hi, Marcy. Gee, thanks. First you say, ‘oh Steve, we’d only be insulting the
buffoon if we missed his stupid meeting’, and then you don’t show up.
MARCY: Well, I’m sorry, Steve, but I was on the phone.
AL: You see, there’s an example of America’s obsession with the telephone.
MARCY: [to Al] I was on the telephone taking messages for your family.
Marcy flicks though some post-it notes reading them off.
MARCY: Peggy, your mother called. Peggy, your mother called. Peggy, your mother called. And
Peggy, Dial-a-Stud called. They wanted to know if you were ok and to tell you Juan is
back.
Peggy reacts to the news and is very happy.
Kelly appears at the top of the stairs.
KELLY: Anything for me?
MARCY: No.
KELLY: Oh.
Kelly is devastated and turns away barely holding back tears.
Bud runs in from the patio.
BUD: Hi Mom. Hi Dad.
Bud runs over to the phone and holds up a bicycle bell, he rings the bell then holds up the
telephone receiver.
BUD: [shouting] Kelly, it’s for you.
Kelly rushes excitedly down the stairs.
KELLY: [to the heavens] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you.
Kelly runs over and picks up the phone.
KELLY: [on phone] Hello. [pause] Hello.
Bud laughs evilly. Kelly hangs up the phone and starts to cry.
BUD: Gee, I love doing that.
AL: Now, see? Bud’s handling this the best way. Good boy, Bud. Now, I know that you are all
upset at me and you don’t really understand why I’m doin’ this, but I will not roll
over and die and I will rest easy, because I sleep the sleep of the righteous.
SCENE TWO
Al and Peggy’s bedroom.
Al is lying wide awake in bed with the beam of the security light shining across his eyes.
AL: Peg, Peg. [waking Peggy] I can’t sleep. What can I do?
PEGGY: Well, since we’re not using the telephone, we could wrap the cord around your neck and
slowly tighten it till the sandman comes.
AL: Ah, you women. You can’t forget about that maternal instinct can you.
PEGGY: Goodnight, Al.
Peggy turns over and tries to sleep.
Al lies down but the security light is still shining on his face, he turns the bedside light
on then shakes Peggy to wake her.
AL: Peg, remember a long time ago when you wanted this side of the bed? You know, close to
the window. What was my reason for not giving it to you?
PEGGY: Well, let’s see. It was something like, ‘I work, I make the money, I deserve the air’.
AL: You know, it’s funny, Peg. It took me fifteen years to figure out that you were right
all this time. See, I can’t sleep knowing you’d rather be here. Slide over, Peg.
Al tries to swap sides of the bed.
PEGGY: No, Al. We need your feet by the window. They keep away the mosquitos.
Steve shouts from outside.
STEVE: [shouting o.s.] Hey Bundy, telephone.
AL: [shouting] It’s 2 o’clock in the morning. What do they want?
STEVE: [shouting o.s.] It’s Peggy’s mother.
AL: [to Peggy] It’s for you.
PEGGY: Oh.
Peggy gets out of bed and runs to the window.
PEGGY: [shouting] Hi Mom. What do you want?
STEVE: [shouting o.s.] Your recipe for raisin bread.
PEGGY: [shouting] Tell her to get a fresh loaf of bread, a box of raisins and a hammer.
SCENE THREE
The Bundy kitchen.
Peggy and Bud are sitting at the table.
Al walks over.
AL: All right, I just found the answer to all our problems.
Al holds up a change machine, the type of thing used by bus conductors.
AL: Ta-da. We’re all going to get an allotment of dimes. Then when you have to make a phone
Call, you’ll come to me, and if I feel the call is worthy, I’ll give you some dimes to
go down to the phone booth at the gas station. See, once again, [indicates Peggy and
Bud] problem, [points to himself] solution.
Peggy stands and walks away.
BUD: Dad, sit down.
Al sits.
BUD: I worry to see you slipping away. You know this phone thing, it’s... how can I say
this without hurting you... it’s stupid.
AL: I wanna explain something, son.
BUD: Is this gonna be long and boring like the ‘why did we have Kelly’ speech?
AL: No, because I know the answer to this one. You see, the trouble with America today,
son, is this. Nobody stands up for anything anymore.
BUD: So can we have a phone?
AL: No. No, but it’s pretty pathetic. See, we used to have slogans like, ‘Don’t tread on
me’, ‘54-40 or fight’, ‘Tipi Canue and somebody too’. Then all of a sudden people
stopped standing up for themselves. Now we have slogans like, ‘Have a nice day’, ‘Make
love not war’, hmm, ‘Hi, I’m an American. I’m sorry’.
BUD: What’s that got to do with us being the only people in the free world without a
telephone?
AL: It’s got everything to do with it. See, the point is, if they tried to charge Thomas
Jefferson with a call he didn’t make, the Boston harbor would’ve been full of phones,
and all the local women would’ve been swimming around down there and er... we wouldn’t
have to er... hang them as witches.
BUD: So you’re kinda like Thomas Jefferson?
AL: That I am, Bud.
BUD: Then why do they call him a great man and they call you butthead?
AL: Well, if that’s the new word for patriot, so be it. Now, I’m going down to the corner
with the letter to the utility company to get rid of that light.
Al stands and walks over to join Peggy.
AL: Peggy, do you want anything?
PEGGY: Oh, yes. But bigamy is illegal in this state.
AL: All-righty. [Al points to the change machine] I’m gonna fill that baby with dimes, and
we’re gonna learn you don’t need a phone company to have a phone.
Al walks over to the front door.
AL: See you later.
Al leaves.
PEGGY: [to Bud] Say goodbye to daddy’s dream.
Peggy lifts a hammer and starts to smash Al’s change machine.
Kelly comes down the stair carrying a suitcase.
KELLY: Making raisin bread Mom?
PEGGY: [hitting change machine] Not this time, honey.
KELLY: Well, bye, Mom. If you need me, I’ll be in the streets.
Kelly starts to leave.
PEGGY: Okay, but I don’t think I’ll need you.
Kelly puts her suitcase down and moves to the living room.
KELLY: And tell Daddy that I am not moving back in until we get a phone or I get married.
Peggy and Bud move to the living room.
PEGGY: Kelly, honey, there is no reason for anyone to leave home. We are not gonna be without
a phone for much longer. I’ve taken matters into my own hands. Now, kids, we need $80.
There must be something around here we can sell?
BUD: Kelly, quick. Your liver.
KELLY: For a phone? I’ll do it!
PEGGY: Not yet, Kelly. Since this is your father’s fault, I think we should start with his
things.
KELLY: I’ll get his bowling ball.
BUD: I’ll get his fishing rods.
PEGGY: Ok, and I’ll get his... well, that’s all he’s got.
They all start to walk away.
Al enters.
AL: Hey! What’s going on here?
Bud runs over to Al.
BUD: Dad, the women! They were gonna sell your stuff.
Peggy and Kelly give Bud a look.
BUD: He makes the money, Mom.
PEGGY: We want a phone, Al.
AL: I want a life. Good luck to us all.
Al goes to the kitchen.
KELLY: We’re serious, Dad. You can’t beat the phone company.
Al takes a beer out of the fridge.
AL: I see. So much for Bundy unity. I’ll tell you something: this is the first time I
have ever been ashamed of my family.
PEGGY: You’ll get used to it. We did.
Al moves to the couch and sits.
AL: Well, get used to this: we’re not getting a phone until the phone company calls and
apologizes to me.
Bud sits next to Al.
BUD: Dad, is there anything we can say to make you change your mind? You know, like, ‘we
love you’. Or would you see right through that?
AL: I would. Look. Do you know what the worst thing is for a fellow to grow up and hear
somebody call him?
BUD: A shoe salesman.
AL: Worse. A quitter. See, if I quit right now it would be like... I don’t know...
quitting.
KELLY: So, Daddy, if we stop trying to make you put the phone back in, wouldn’t that make us
‘quitters’?
Peggy smiles and hugs Kelly.
AL: Go to your room.
Kelly walks towards the stairs.
The door bell rings and Al gets up to answer it.
AL: First thought she’s ever had and it has to be against me.
Al opens the door to Steve.
AL: Oh, Steve. We have a family thing going on here. What do you want?
STEVE: I’m delivering another phone message for you.
AL: Ah well, come on in.
Steve enters.
STEVE: I also have a message of my own, Al. This is the last message the Rhoades are going to
be taking for the Bundys.
AL: Fine. That’s the last thing we’ll ever do for you, too.
STEVE: You don’t do anything for us now, Al.
AL: So you’ve already gotten a taste of our medicine. What’s the message?
Kelly comes down stairs holding her hands together in prayer.
KELLY: Please, God. let it be for me.
STEVE: [to Kelly] It’s for Peggy.
KELLY: [hysterically] YOU LIE!!! IT’S FOR ME!!!
Peggy comes over and comforts Kelly.
PEGGY: [to Steve] She’s been under a lot of stress lately.
Kelly looks at her arms.
KELLY: Oh my God. Who put these bugs on my arms?
Kelly starts to scrub imaginary bugs off her arms.
Peggy walks over to Steve.
PEGGY: Who is it, Steve?
STEVE: It’s your mother. She said to tell you she’s worried about you. She doesn’t like not
being able to talk to you every day, so she’s coming to stay until you get your phone
put back in.
Al looks shocked.
AL: How much time do we have?
STEVE: [smiling] She was packing her bags.
AL: Great, great. We can still stop her. See she can never get through her front door on
the first try.
Steve walks over to the door.
AL: [to Peggy] Peg, quick. Call her. Use Steve’s phone.
STEVE: Oh ho ho, sure, use Steve’s phone, wake Steve up, let Steve take the message. Well, the
Steve stops here, and my phone is off limits. Give Mom a hug from me.
Steve laughs and leaves.
AL: Oh, God. What have I done?
PEGGY: Get out the sits bath, kids. Grandma’s coming.
AL: Look, Peg. Go down to the phone booth. Catch the woman before she gets to the bottom of
the driveway, ‘cos once she’s in motion, you can’t stop her.
PEGGY: [smiling] Okay, Al, but only on one condition: that you pay that phone bill.
AL: Done. You win.
Al hands Peggy the money.
AL: But hurry. [Al shakes] Was that a tremor? Oh, God, she must be changing bras. Hurry...
Hurry.
Al leads Peggy to the door and pushes her out.
SCENE FOUR
Al and Peggy’s bedroom.
Peggy is sitting up in bed talking on the phone. Next to her, under the covers, is a massive
lump in the bed. [the lump is Peggy’s Mom but we don’t see her]
PEGGY: [on phone] Yeah, Dad, Mom got here safe and sound.
Peggy turns to the massive lump in the bed.
PEGGY: Mom, do you wanna say ‘hi’ to dad?
Peggy’s mom snores very loudly.
PEGGY: [on phone] She says she loves you. Yeah, I talked her into staying an extra week.
[pause] Al? Well, he was a little upset that we couldn’t stop her before she’d left,
but he did win one victory. He got them to move that street light, so I’m sure he’s
happy about that.
SCENE FIVE
The Bundy living room.
Al is using the couch for a bed. We see Al’s feet sticking out from under the covers and as
the camera pans across we see Al. He is wide awake and has the beam from the security light
shining directly across his eyes.
THE END
Transcribed By Ephraim McBundy
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