Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Delbert....................Gary Grubbs
Kelly's boyfriend..........Dan Gauthier
Sheriff....................Richard Paul
Roy........................Charlie Dell
Dottie.....................Sandy Sprung
Gloria.....................Becky Phelps
Becky......................Kim Morgan Greene
Harold.....................Bill Marcus
Beany......................Ian Patrick Williams



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 (WE SEE THE EXTERIOR OF A SLIGHTLY RUN DOWN MOTEL. IT IS EVENING. SUPER: "Poppy's By The Tree",
  THEN "Dumpwater, Florida", THEN "Yes, This is "Married... With Children".", THEN "Yes, we know
  it's in black and white. Don't worry, it will be in color soon" AND FINALLY "September, 1967".
  A BEAT, THEN WE PUSH IN)

 CUT TO: INT. MOTEL ROOM ("POPPY'S BY THE TREE") - EVENING (1967)
 (POPPY'S IS A CHEAP MOTEL IN NORTHERN FLORIDA. WE SEE A PORTLY, MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE, LAYING IN
  BED. AN OLD RADIO PLAYS "ODE TO BILLIE JOE." THERE IS SOME STATIC. THE MAN, HAROLD, READS A
  NEWSPAPER. THE WOMAN, DOTTIE, LOOKS BORED AND UNHAPPY. SHE SWATS THE BED WITH A FLY SWATTER)

DOTTIE  Harold, this place stinks. I don't know why you took me here. The air conditioning isn't
        working, the room service is terrible, and will you listen to that radio??

 (DOTTIE TURNS THE RADIO OFF)

DOTTIE  This place is a disgrace.

HAROLD  (AGREEING) It's a disgrace.

DOTTIE  And what about the towels? I asked for towels. How come they don't have towels in this
        place? This place is a disgrace!

HAROLD  It's a disgrace.

 (THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

DOTTIE  Hmph. Finally. (CALLS OUT) Come in. (MUTTERS) A disgrace.

 (THE DOOR OPENS. BEFORE WE CAN SEE WHO IT IS, WE SEE THE COUPLE REACT UNCERTAINLY FROM THE
  STRANGER'S P.O.V.)

DOTTIE  Where are the towels? I don't see any towels. W-w-what is that behind your back?

 (WE SEE AN AXE BEING RAISED. WE HEAR STRAINS OF MUSIC. THE HORRIFIED COUPLE TRIES TO TAKE
  COVER. WE SEE THE AXE RISE AND FALL A FEW TIMES. A TOWEL IS TOSSED ON THE FLOOR WITH THE HOTEL
  LOGO "POPPY'S BY THE TREE.". WE HEAR THE DOOR CLOSE)

 CUT TO: EXT. POPPY'S MOTEL - DAY
 (SUPER: 1972)

 CUT TO: INSERT - NEWSPAPER "THE DUMPWATER, FLORIDIAN"
 (THE HEADLINE READS "POPPY'S KILLER STRIKES AGAIN" AND UNDER THE HEADLINE IT READS "OBNOXIOUS
  COUPLE FOUND DEAD")

 CUT TO: EXT. POPPY'S MOTEL - DAY
 (SUPER: 1977)

 CUT TO: INSERT - NEWSPAPER - "THE DUMPWATER, FLORIDIAN"
 (THE HEADLINE READS, "IT HAPPENED AGAIN AT POPPY'S," AND UNDER THE HEADLINE, THE SUB-HEAD READS,
  ""OOH, THAT MUST'VE HURT", SAYS SHERIFF")

 CUT TO: EXT. POPPY'S MOTEL - DAY
 (SUPER: 1982)

 CUT TO: INSERT - NEWSPAPER - "THE DUMPWATER, FLORIDIAN"
 (THE HEADLINE READS, "THE AXE IS BACK" AND THE SUB-HEAD READS, "HOTEL SAFE TILL 1987")

 CUT TO: EXT. BUNDY HOUSE - DAY
 (WE ARE BACK IN COLOR. SUPER: 1987)


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - DAY
 (THE FOUR BUNDYS ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE)

AL      (HAPPILY) Okay. It's vacation time! Peg. Kids. We're going to "Poppy's By The Tree", in
        picturesque Dumpwater, Florida.

 (THE REST OF THE FAMILY STARE AT HIM)

AL      Let's see some excitement!

 (BUD LOOKS AROUND)

BUD     Well, I guess it's up to me. (RAISES HIS HAND) Dad...

AL      Yes, Bud.

BUD     I thought we all voted on Hawaii.

AL      That was just a vote, Bud. It didn't mean anything.

 (AL GETS UP AND CROSSES TO THE LIVING ROOM. PEGGY FOLLOWS) 

PEGGY   Al, Honey, you promised this year we could take a real vacation. Y'know, someplace
        where we don't look out our windows and see chain gangs working.

AL      C'mon, Peg. We still sing those songs we learned down there. But this year I found
        something really special. Look at this brochure, Peg. This place has everything Hawaii
        has. It's got sunshine, a palm tree, uh, quicksand... But the best part is it's in the
        United States.

 (KELLY GETS UP)

KELLY   So are the sewers of Manhattan, Dad. Or am I spoling next year's vacation?

PEGGY   Al, we all appreciate your efforts at finding the cheapest places in America. But
        Dumpwater, Florida, Al?

AL      You're gonna judge a place by it's name? If we did that, we never would have experienced
        Six Toe, Arkansas. Remember that soup, kids?

KELLY   And don't forget those underground fires.

AL      Well, Dumpwater is gonna make Six Toe look sick. And - and the best part is it's only
        eight dollars a night. See, that'll give us plenty of extra money to... well, let's see.

 (AL LOOKS AT THE BROCHURE)

AL      Uh... I dunno. But it'll leave us plenty of money. My decision is made.

 (AL GETS UP AND CROSSES TO THE KIDS)

AL      Now, if people don't wanna go to Poppy's, we can use that money to buy one of those soft
        toilet seats and make every day a vacation.

 (AL GETS A BEER FROM THE FRIDGE. KELLY AND BUD LOOK AT EACH OTHER)

BUD     Poppy's.

KELLY   Poppy's.

  (PEGGY LOOKS AT THE BROCHURE)

PEGGY   Well, kids, it is near a nice tree.

AL      (PROUD) You betcha, Peg. And the best part is...

AL      We're taking the family car.
KELLY   (SADLY) We're taking the family car.
BUD     (SADLY) We're taking the family car.

AL      You betcha. That way, we get to see all the sites.

 (AL SITS BACK ON THE COUCH NEXT TO PEGGY)

PEGGY   (LOOKING AT THE BROCHURE) You mean like the house that defies gravity?

AL      (PROUD) Our first stop. It was supposed to be a surprise for the kids. You didn't hear
        that, kids.

BUD     (SADLY) Uh, yeah we did, Dad.

KELLY   (FALSELY ENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, Dad. Can we listen to the oldie station all the way down?
        Please?

AL      (BEAMING) We can.

BUD     And do we get to stop at Howard Johnson's for Pez?

AL      We do.

PEGGY   And all the way through speed trap country, do I get to pretend I'm in labor?

AL      You do. Now, kids, I want you to go upstairs, lay out the clothes you want to take, and
        keep this in mind: the first Howard Johnson's, the Pez is on Dad.

 (KELLY AND BUD UNENTHUSIASTICALLY GO UPSTAIRS. THE DOORBELL RINGS)

PEGGY   That must be Robin Leach.

 (SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY. SHE HAS THREE SUITCASES AND A CAMERA AROUND HER NECK)

MARCY   Can I get some help here?

 (PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR WIDER. MARCY REACTS AND ENTERS. SHE PUTS THE LUGGAGE ON THE FLOOR. AL PUTS
  IT BY THE STAIRS)

MARCY   Here it is. But please be very careful with our luggage. We just got it.

PEGGY   We'll treat it as if it were our own.

MARCY   Then I can't let you have it.

AL      (TO PEGGY) Hey, she brought the camera

 (MARCY GIVES PEGGY THE CAMERA)

MARCY   Oh, now, Steve loves this camera. Please be very careful with it.

 (PEGGY NODS, THEN TOSSES THE CAMERA TO AL. THE DOORBELL RINGS AND SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE,
  WHO IS HOLDING THE RHOADES' OLD LUGGAGE)

STEVE   Hi, guys. I was just cleaning the garage and I found our luggage. 

 (MARCY SHAKES HER HEAD AT STEVE. HE IGNORES HER)

STEVE   It's not the greatest, but it's all we've got. Someday we'll get some good luggage,
        but... right now it'll have to do, and you're more than welcome to it.

 (STEVE TAKES OUT AN ANCIENT INSTAMATIC)

STEVE   Now, here's our camera. It's not much. But it's all we've got. You're more than welcome
        to --

 (STEVE NOTICES THE LUGGAGE BY THE STAIRS)

STEVE   (WHISPERING) Marcy, that's our good luggage. You gave them our good luggage?

 (AL POINTS THE EXPENSIVE CAMERA AT HIM)

AL      Smile.

STEVE   (SOTTO) God, I hate them. (THEN, SMILING PLEASANTLY TO AL AND PEGGY) So, where you
        headed?

 (STEVE AND MARCY SIT ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY   Well, where's the one place you would go if you could go anywhere?

MARCY   Greece?

PEGGY   That's right, we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.

 (AL AND PEGGY ALSO SIT)

AL      (PROUDLY, ENUNCIATING) U. S. of A.

 (BUD AND KELLY APPEAR AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS)

BUD     Well, Dad, our clothes are all ready for Stinkwater.

AL      That's Dumpwater, kids. Come here. Peg, you too. Now, I know this is not your first
        choice for a vacation.

BUD     Does it show, Dad?

AL      Shut up, Bud. I'm trying to explain something important to all of you. Now, we're poor,
        so we're going to Dumpwater, Florida. But let's look at the positive side. It's a week
        where you don't have to go to school, it's a week where I don't have to go to work, and
        Peg, well, everyday's a vacation to you so what am I talking to you for? Now let's see
        some smiles, 'cause tomorrow the memories begin.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 INSERT OF MAP OF EASTERN UNITED STATES
 (A RED LINE MOVES ALONG FROM CHICAGO, SOUTHWARD TO FLORIDA. WE SEE THE LINE STOP AT EPHUS,
  KENTUCKY)

AL      (V.O.) Who wants Pez?

 (WE HEAR THE KIDS GROAN)

KELLY   (V.O.) Leave us alone.

 DISSOLVE TO: INSERT MAP
 (THE RED LINE MOVES TO BEAVER KNEE, TENNESSEE)

AL      (V.O.) Well, there it is. The biggest sinkhole in the South. We're really seeing America
        now, eh, kids?

 (WE HEAR THE KIDS GROAN)

AL      What's wrong with you people?

 DISSOLVE TO: INSERT MAP
 (THE RED LINE CONTINUES MOVING SOUTH)

AL      (V.O., SINGING) Row row row your boat gently down the stream... everybody!

PEGGY   Leave us alone.
KELLY   Leave us alone.
BUD     Leave us alone.

 (THE RED LINE REACHES ONE ROCK, GEORGIA. WE HEAR A POLICE CAR SIREN. THE CAR ENGINE SOUND STOPS)

PEGGY   (V.O., BY ROTE) Yes, officer. I'm due to give birth any minute. (BEAT) No. An escort to
        the hospital won't be necessary, officer. We want our child to be born in Florida.
        (HATEFULLY) Dumpwater, Florida.

 DISSOLVE TO: INSERT MAP
 (AS THE RED LINE CROSSES THE FLORIDA BORDER WE HEAR)

PEGGY   (V.O.) Where are the kids?

 (THE RED LINE STOPS, BACKS UP TO ONE ROCK, STOPS, THEN HEADS BACK TO FLORIDA)


ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

 INT. POPPY'S BY THE TREE - MOTEL LOBBY - DAY
 (THE LOBBY IS A COMBINATION LOBBY, LOUNGE, AND DINING AREA. THERE IS A LITTLE SOUVENIR STAND, A
 FRONT DESK, AND AN UNBRELLA STAND WITH AXES IN IT. ON A WALL IS A PICTURE OF A MAN. SITTING
 AROUND ARE THE TOWN REGULARS, THE SHERIFF, A HEAVYSET MAN; THE HANDYMAN, DELBERT; THE DESKCLERK-
 BELLHOP, ROY; THE CHEF, BEANY; AND A PRETTY GIRL IN HER TWENTIES, BECKY, THE TOWN SEXPOT. IT IS
 HOT AND THEY SIT, LAZILY FANNING OR MOPPING THEIR BROWS. ROY SWATS A FLY)

BEANY   Hot.

SHERIFF Hot.

DELBERT Hot.

ROY     Who you think's gonna get killed this time?

 (A BEAT, THEN THE BUNDY'S ENTER)

AL      We're here! 

 (EVERYBODY LOOKS AT THEM, THEN AT EACH OTHER. THEY NOD SAGELY)

AL      Let the good times roll.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 INT. MOTEL LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
 (AL AND PEGGY ARE IN BERMUDA SHORTS. AL WEARS A HAWAIIAN SHIRT, WHITE SOCKS WITH SANDALS. A
 BOTTLE OF SUNTAN LOTION PROTRUDES FROM HIS POCKET. A CAMERA IS AROUND HIS NECK. PEGGY WEARS A
 BIG STRAW HAT, HAS A BIG STRAW POCKET BOOK, AND HAS FLIP FLOPS ON HER FEET. KELLY AND BUD ARE
 DRESEED NORMALLY AND ARE HUMILIATED. AL AND PEGGY LOOK AROUND)

AL      Looks better than the brochure, doesn't it, Peg? (TO DELBERT) Hey, Jethro. You wanna take
        a picture of me and the family?

DELBERT	Yeah. They'll be wantin' one for the paper.

ROY     Just say "Gator Bait."

 (THE FAMILY POSES, PARENTS SMILING)


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 INT. MOTEL ROOM - MINUTES LATER
 (THE ROOM IS THE SAME ONE THAT THE FIRST COUPLE WAS KILLED IN. IT HASN'T CHANGED. THERE IS A
 DOUBLE BED. A BEAT, THEN THE DOOR OPENS AND ALL AND PEGGY ENTER, FOLLOWED BY KELLY AND BUD. ROY
 FOLLOWS WITH THEIR BAGS. AL TAKES A DEEP BREATH)

AL      Ah. Smell that air.

ROY     I'll open the window, sir.

PEGGY   Uh, excuse me, sir. In your brochure it said that you had a TV.

ROY     Yes, Ma'am. But not in the rooms. We meant the town has one.

PEGGY   Gee, Al. No TV. I guess that means we'll have to... (SUGGESTIVELY) entertain ourselves at
        night.

 (PEGGY FLOPS ON THE BED AND TESTS IT OUT)

AL      (TO ROY) Well, who has and how far is it?!

KELLY   Where do we sleep? Out behind the still?

ROY     (TO AL) She must've been mighty scared once for her hair to have turned white at such a
        young age. (TO KIDS) Right through this door.

 (ROY OPENS THE DOOR. AL AND THE KIDS WALK INSIDE)

AL      (A TRIFLE UPSET) Hey. I asked for the twin beds.

KELLY   (ANNOYED) Dad, I don't think these are exact twins. One has a lawnmower on it.

 (THEY WALK BACK TO THE FIRST ROOM)

ROY     Well, enjoy your stay, folks. And remember our motto. If we don't have it, you shoulda
        brought it with you.

 (ROY HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. AL STARES AT IT)

AL      (TO ROY) Remember our motto. We don't have it.

 (ROY NODS AND EXITS)

AL      Well, kids. What do you think?

KELLY   I think that if I can get a rope over that beam then I can hang myself.

BUD     I'll help you find one.

 (THE KIDS EXIT INTO THEIR ROOM AND SLAM THE DOOR)

AL      What's the matter with everybody?

PEGGY   We're all mad at you, Al. We wanted to go to Hawaii.

AL      Oh, what is so great about Hawaii? I mean, the sun shines down here, too.

PEGGY   Yes, but look what it lights up.

AL      It's - it's just different. It's... eight dollars a night, Peg. Couldn't you learn to
        like it?

PEGGY   Well... okay, I'll try. But you know, you've gotta admit that there's something weird
        about this place. I mean, the people... the way they look at you, like you're... dinner.

AL      That's ridiculous, Peg. There's nobody's looking at us.

 (AL OPENS THE DOOR TO HANG A "DO NOT DISTURB" SIGN. SEVERAL TOWNSPEOPLE OF ALL AGES ARE
 IN THE DOORWAY, STARING AT THEM. AL SHUTS THE DOOR)

AL      (AS IF NOTHING WAS THERE) I'm telling you, this place is fine. Now, your problem is
        you're a city girl. You don't know how to unwind. Or, uh, keep house, or get a job. Or
        bring any money home. (SITS ON BED) Now, let's look at our complimentary "Dumpwater,
        Floridian" and see what the town has to offer.

 (AL PICKS UP THE PAPER)

AL      Uh, where's the entertainment section? Ah. Page two.

 (AL TURNS THE SINGLE SHEET OVER)

AL      Here we go. Oh, look! There's a two-headed pickled goat down by the courthouse.

PEGGY   Oh, Al. Let's do something we can't do at home.

AL      (SNIPPY) Fine. How about looking for a good meal?

PEGGY   Let's not argue. As pathetic as it is, you are my husband and this is our vacation.

AL      Now that's the spirit, Peg. (LOOKS AT PAPER) Uh... look here. Tonight at the high school:
        "Meet the man who met Andy Griffith."

 (PEGGY STARES AT AL)

AL      Are you that jaded, Peg?

 (THE DOOR OPENS AND BECKY ENTERS WITH TOWELS AND TOILET PAPER)

BECKY   Hi. I brought you some towels and some T.P.

PEGGY   (COLDLY) Didn't you see the "Do not disturb" sign?

BECKY   Oh, we just put that out as a nicety. I mean, nobody here is gonna disturb you.

 (PEGGY REACTS. AL SMILES STUPIDLY)

BECKY   I'll just put the T.P. in the B.R.

AL      Uh, no, no, not over there... Could you - could you put it down over there?

 (AL INDICATES A FOOTSTOOL. BECKY PUTS THE T.P. DOWN. AL LOOKS AT HER BEHIND. PEGGY REACTS)

BECKY   You look like a nice couple...

AL      Ah, you too.

 (AL GETS UP AND GIVES BECKY SOME CASH. SHE HOLDS UP A TOWEL)

BECKY   I picked this towel special for you. Don't tell anybody that I gave it to you. Is there
        anything else I can do for you?

 (PEGGY GETS UP)

PEGGY   (IMITATING BECKY's DICTION) Gee, I don't know. Al, you want her to bend over again?
        Y'know, to pick up your tongue or anything?

AL      Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy. (TO BECKY) Let me get the door for you.

BECKY   (TO PEGGY) Your husband really is sweet.

PEGGY   Hmph. Must be why the flies love him.

 (PEGGY AND BECKY LOOK EACH OTHER UP AND DOWN. AL OPENS THE DOOR FOR BECKY)

BECKY   (TO AL) Don't you forget to use that special towel, now.

 (BECKY EXITS. AL STANDS THERE AND WATCHES HER GO, WAVING THE TOWEL)

PEGGY   She's out the door, Al.

 (AL CLOSES THE DOOR)

AL      Gee, this is nice here. Let's move here.

PEGGY   Well, you just keep pulling in those big bucks, and in a hundred years, maybe we can
        afford a shack just like this.

AL      You're just jealous 'cause you don't have a special towel.

PEGGY   Oh, why don't you take a shower and wash off that "special odor".

 (AL UNFOLDS THE TOWEL. A PIECE OF PAPER FALLS OUT, UNNOTICED)

AL      You know, Peg. I don't know what's so special about this towel. We'll steal it anyway.

 (THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE PAPER. IT READS, "GET OUT NOW". SCARY MUSIC PLAYS)


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 INT. MOTEL LOBBY - A SHORT TIME LATER
 (ROY IS HANGING OUT WITH BEANY, DELBERT, AND THE SHERIFF. BECKY IS WIPING OFF A TABLE. OTHER
  LOCALS ARE HANGING OUT. THE MEN ARE PICKING PIECES OF PAPER OUT OF A HAT. DELBERT PICKS A SLIP
  OF PAPER AND SHOWS IT TO THE SHERIFF)

SHERIFF	(READING) Three A.M.

DELBERT	Three A.M. Damn. I had three A.M. last time.

BEANY   (GLOATING) Hell, we always find the bodies before three A.M. Here's my dollar. (HE PICKS)
        All right! Midnight.

 (THE OTHERS "OOH" AND "AHH" ENVIOUSLY)

ROY     Hey, Becky. You want in? Still a couple of times left in the lottery.

BECKY   No. I think it's terrible you bettin' on what time that poor obnoxious family is gonna
        get chopped into little bitty pieces. And for what? Twenty dollars?

ROY     It's up to twenty-five.

BECKY   I'm in.

 (SHE PUTS IN A DOLLAR AND TAKES A SLIP OF PAPER. EVERYBODY LAUGHS. KELLY AND BUD COME
  DOWNSTAIRS. THE TOWN FOLK NOTICE AND STOP LAUGHING)

ROY     Shh... it's the young'uns.

 (KELLY AND BUD WANDER OVER TO THE SOUVENIR STAND. THEY LOOK OVER THEIR SHOULDERS AND SEE THE
 TOWN FOLK LOOKING AT THEM. THE TOWN FOLK SMILE)

BEANT   That poor little white-haired girl. You think she'd throw some dye on it.

 (ROY WALKS OVER TO BUD AND KELLY)

ROY     Can I help you?

KELLY   Yeah, is there any actual food here or do I just stand by a bug light with my mouth open?

BUD     Hey, even bumpkins have feelings, Kell.

ROY     (TO KELLY) What do you want?

KELLY   A bus ticket and a real family. But for now I'll settle for a couple of burgers.

ROY     (CALLING OUT) Two burgers, Beany.

 (BEANY NODS, SCRATCHING UNDER HIS ARM)

ROY     (TO BUD) How 'bout you?

BUD     (INDICATING BEANY) Is he the cook?

ROY     Yup.

BUD     I'll have a coke. Unopened.

 (BEANY NODS AND EXITS. ROY WANDERS AWAY)

KELLY   Well, Bud. Here we are. Another great Bundy vacation. Y'know, other kids, they get to go
        to Europe or Hawaii. No! We get to go to "Hee Haw". There's not another human being
        for...

 (KELLY SEES A GOOD-LOOKING TEENAGE BOY)

KELLY   He-llo! (BEAT. TO BUD) See you in a week.

BUD     Where are you going?

KELLY   To get buns for my burger.

BUD     Mom and Dad said not to wander off without them.

KELLY   (LOOKING AT BOY) Mom will understand.

 (KELLY WALKS OVER TO THE BOY. HE SMILES, PICKS UP AN AXE. THEY EXIT)

BUD     Thanks, Kell. That's real nice. Leave me with the tree people.

 (BUD STANDS ALONE A BEAT. WE SEE A HAND SLOWLY COME UP BEHIND HIM. IT GRABS HIS SHOULDER. BUD
  JUMPS. HE TURNS TO SEE BEANY, HOLDING A MEAT CLEAVER. BUD REACTS)

BEANY   Your drink's ready.

 (BEANY SHOWS BUD THE CLEAVER)

BEANY   I'm gonna go ax the burgers now.

BUD     Fine. There won't be any screaming, will there?

 (BEANY GIVES BUD A BIG SMILE. BUD SMILES BACK. BEANY EXITS. BUD SITS DOWN AT A TABLE.
  EVERYONE STARES AT HIM. HE SEES THEM. A BEAT, THEN HE RAISES HIS GLASS AS IF TO TOAST)

BUD     To Dixie.

 (BUD DRINKS. WE SEE A HAND COME UP BEHIND HIM AND TOUCH HIM ON THE SHOULDER. HE JUMPS. HE TURNS
  TO SEE A PRETTY GIRL, GLORIA, AROUND HIS AGE)

GLORIA  Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

BUD     I wasn't scared. It was a... reflex action from the war. Sit down. 

 (GLORIA JOINS BUD AT THE TABLE)

BUD     So, uh, you don't smell like everybody else around here.

GLORIA  Well, thank you! They say you're from Chicago.

BUD     (COOLLY) Yep. Chicago. Chi town. The windy city. My kind of town. (SIPS)

GLORIA  It must be exciting.

BUD     Well, it is for me. I'm a cop. Bundy. Bud Bundy. Chicago Vice.

GLORIA  (EXCITED) Really?

BUD     I'm also a millionaire. See, I made my money --

 (AL AND PEGGY COME DOWNSTAIRS)

PEGGY   There he is.

 (BUD TRIES TO WAVE THEM AWAY. THEY COME OVER)

PEGGY   Oh, Bud, did you take your Milk of Magnesia?

 (BUD COVERS HIS FACE)

AL      (KNOWINGLY) He didn't.

 (AL AND PEGGY ALSO SIT AT THE TABLE)

PEGGY   Bud, how do you expect to get rid of your constipation if you won't take your laxatives?

AL      Hey, Bud, you made a little friend, huh?

BUD     Yeah. And you could help. You got any pictures of me on the potty you'd like to show her?

AL      (JOSHING) Well, excuse us, Mr. Sensitive.

 (AL TOUSLES BUD'S HAIR. BUD REACTS, HUMILIATED)

AL      Have you seen your sister?

 (KELLY ENTERS WITH THE BOY. HE HAS A BOTTLE OF BEER. HE PASSES IT TO KELLY. SHE RAISES IT TO HER
  LIPS TO GUZZLE, THEN SEES AL AND PEGGY WATCHING HER)

KELLY   (TO BOY, ENUNCIATING) No, thank you. I don't drink.

 (KELLY PRETENDS TO NOTICE AL AND PEGGY)

KELLY   Mom, Dad, I didn't know you guys were here.

 (KELLY BURPS. THEN SMILES GUILTILY)

KELLY   What's going on?

AL      Well, we were gonna go for a walk, but we heard on the radio it might rain. (TO ROY) Hey,
        goob. That radio upstairs stinks. I'm paying eight dollars American, so get one of the
        guys out of the pigpen and let's get that thing workin', huh? (TO KIDS) Hey, who wants
        some down-home cookin'? (TO BEANY) Hey, Elmo. Vittles for the family.

PEGGY   Uh, Al. Honey, maybe you should be a little nicer to these people. I don't think they
        like us.

AL      Hey, Peg. I get yelled at all year long. Now this is my vacation and my money. And my
        turn to be the customer.

PEGGY   But Al, it's obnoxious.

AL      So what? What are they gonna do? Kill us?

 (PEGGY SHRUGS AND LAUGHS)


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
 (IT IS RAINING. THE ROOM IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR A PAIR OF LEGS WHICH WE SEE
  DISAPPEAR UNDER THE BED. WE HEAR THE BUNDYS SING O.S. "A COUNTRY BOY CAN SURVIVE")

BUNDYS  (SINGING O.S.) "I got a shotgun, a rifle
	                And a four wheel drive.
	                A country boy can survive."

 (A BEAT, THEN AL, PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ENTER, LAUGHING)

PEGGY   You know, I have to admit, Al. You were right. Treat people like scum and they just can't
        do enough for you. I mean, everybody was so friendly to us. It was as if tonight were out 
        last night on earth.

 (WE HEAR THUNDER)

AL      You're starting to like it here, aren't you?

 (THEY ALL WALLA THEIR APPRECIATION)

BUD     Dad, can we go down to the high school tomorrow night, and meet the man who met Andy
        Griffith?

AL      Since when do you like Andy Griffith?

KELLY   Since Gloria wants to go. Bud's in love.

BUD     I am not.

KELLY   He's blushing, Mom.

BUD     She's pregnant, Dad.

KELLY   Am not!

BUD     Well, then I guess it's just a beer belly.

 (KELLY HITS BUD)

PEGGY   Now, kids, we can do this at home. Go to bed and then we'll decide what to do tomorrow.

 (KELLY AND BUD EXIT. ON THE WAY KELLY SHOVES BUD)

PEGGY   Oh, Al, our kids are really growing up fast. Soon, they won't need us for anything.

AL      How soon, Peg?

PEGGY   Not soon enough, Al.

 (AL AND PEGGY SIT ON THE BED)

PEGGY   You know, honey, it really is kinda romantic here, with the rain beating against the
        window, the wind whistling through the trees.

AL      Uh, oh.

 (PEGGY LAYS ON THE BED, EXPECTANTLY. AL JUST SITS. A BEAT, THEN SHE PULLS HIM DOWN. THEY LAY ON
  THEIR BACKS)

PEGGY   Comfortable, Al?

AL      Does it matter, Peg?

PEGGY   Not really.

AL      Aw, Peg. This was supposed to be my vacation.

PEGGY   Get to work, Al.

AL      (GRUMBLING) All right. Get my dramimine.

 (PEGGY ROLLS OVER TO GET UP. JUST AS SHE MOVES WE HEAR A VIOLIN STRING, AND A KNIFE COMES UP 
  THROUGH THE BED BETWEEN THEM, JUST MISSING THEM. THEY SCREAM. FREEZE FRAME)


 TO BE CONTINUED