Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy

Guest Cast:

Derek McGrath...........Buck
Mitchell Greenberg......Mr. Pitman
Dick Durok..............Chainsaw



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Buck is lying on the couch, watching TV.

TV       And I'd like to say one more time please, PLEASE watch The Late Show on FOX. All we want
         is a chance. Is that too much to ask for?

Al enters.

AL       I'm home! [no response] No, no, don't mob me! I'm just a breadwinner. No, don't push.
         You'll all get your chance to hug and kiss me. [picks up the TV remote and leans down to
         Buck] Hey Buck. [turns off the TV] I'm home, buddy! [Buck doesn't care] You shiftless,
         dank less bag of... go on.

Al pushes Buck off the couch. He finds some bare ribs on the couch.

AL       Hey, where'd you get these? We don't keep any food in the house.

Peggy comes downstairs.

PEGGY    Al, I brought you some ribs. I kept them in the bag so they could soak in the grease,
         just like you like them. 

Peggy spies the torn, grease-soaked paper bag on the table and picks it up.

PEGGY    Al, you eat like an animal.

AL       I didn't do this.

PEGGY    Ohh, you're going to blame it on Buck. Well, look, he's not even hungry. [Buck lies by
         his bowl] His bowl is still full.

AL       Hey, beef! Give it here. [gets up]

PEGGY    It's Buck's, Al. Now listen. You're always complaining I don't get you food, so I got
         you ribs. Now I want you to do something for me you've been promising for a long time.
 
AL       [put a hand to his head] Uh, what's that you say, Peg? I-I'm sorry, it's just this
         darned headache.

PEGGY    Not that.

Al stops pretending.

PEGGY    I meant something that would require movement on your part. I want you to fix the back
         fence.

AL       Wait a second, Peg, why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said, "let's get a
         picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a
         200-pound woman with a keg under each arm. 

PEGGY    It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it
         is not really your part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans.
         And now you wont even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

AL       Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly
         kill him, and Kelly, well she'll grow up to believe that a two income family is a house
         with two husbands.

PEGGY    Now don't start with that "I don't do anything" crap, I take care of your children.

Bud appears at the top of the stairs.

BUD      Mom, where's my socks?

PEGGY    Honey, there's probably a pair in the hamper.

Bud leaves.

PEGGY    Anyhow, Al, that hole is not only an eyesore, but I mean, what about Buck? He could
         climb through and we'd never see him again.

AL       Oh, that's a real danger, Peg. Watch this. [he runs to the front door and calls out to
         Buck] Buck! Come here, boy! [opens the door] Come on, Buck. Freedom, boy. Go! Go!

Buck doesn't react at all.

AL       He's got about as much chance of finding his way out as you do. 

PEGGY    It's not just Buck getting out, other dogs are getting in. And they're using our yard as
         a public restroom.

Peggy sits on the couch.

AL       Alright, alright! [sits next to Peg] I'll fix it tomorrow.

PEGGY    Thanks, Al. Can I get you an aspirin?

AL       I don't have a headache.

PEGGY    Well good. [walking her fingers up Al's leg] Then that brings us to another little chore
         our handyman has been neglecting.

Al's eyes widen.

AL       [putting his hand to his head again] Ah gee, you better bring me three, Peg... [they
         look at each other. Al removes his hand] Ahh, I guess I better get rid of all the dirty
         work at one time. [Peggy smiles] I'll do it after I fix the fence.

PEGGY    Aww.

Peggy kisses Al on the cheek.


SCENE TWO

Al and Peg are sitting on the couch, some time later.

PEGGY    It's been two months, Al. When are you going to fix the fence?

AL       Tomorrow, Peg.

PEGGY    And that other thing we talked about?

AL       [clearer] Tomorrow, Peg.

PEGGY    We're getting complaints from the neighbors.

AL       What... are we bringing down the block's average?

PEGGY    We'd bring down the average at a nursing home. Look, I'm talking about the fence. 
         Remember how you said Buck couldn't find his way out? Well, he found his way out and he
         has knocked up every dog in the neighborhood.

AL       Well, that's ridiculous, Peg. He's a lifeless lump.

PEGGY    We had two kids.

AL       Then my work is done.

PEGGY    Well, I'm sure he didn't learn anything from you, but they're blaming us anyway.

The doorbell rings. Peggy goes to answer it.

AL       But I still can't believe it. How could that be? He tips over when he lifts his leg.

Peggy opens the door to one of the neighbors, Mr. Pitman. 
Pitman walks in, carrying a small dog.

PEGGY    Mr. Pitman!

PITMAN   My dog's been soiled, Bundy. I demand satisfaction.

PEGGY    Me too. Good luck.

AL       What are you talking about, Pitman?

PITMAN   My dog happens to be a champion purebred poodle. I was saving her to be mated with the
         well-known champion Zeus of Olympus! But what do I find this morning when I come down to
         give my dog her eye drops? I find that [points to Buck] beast with my champion Dowager
         Duchess of Kankakee. I had her tested, Bundy - she's impregnated.

Buck immediately gets up and runs away.

PITMAN   And now she's going to have stupid, ugly puppies. I was going to make a lot of money off
         of proper breeding.

AL       Well, that sort of makes you a dog pimp, doesn't it, Pitman?

PITMAN   And it also sort of makes you the defendant in a lawsuit, doesn't it, Bundy?

AL       You slapping my dog with a paternity suit? [the doorbell rings] You must be outta your
         mind!

Peggy answers the door to Steve and Marcy. Steve is wiping his hands.

STEVE    Al, you're not going to believe what just happened. I just delivered a litter of eleven
         puppies!

MARCY    The mother was under our house undergoing a difficult labor, but luckily Steve took
         charge. The puppies are very cute, but they seem awfully stupid.

PITMAN   The wonder dog strikes again, eh Bundy?

STEVE    What's going on?

PITMAN   Buck Bundy impregnated my dog.

Steve and Marcy moan knowingly.

STEVE    Gee, he's probably getting out through that hole in the fence, Al.

MARCY    You know, as I was under our house witnessing the miracle of birth, it occurred to me
         that this whole despicable episode could've been avoided if owners would only have their
         pets spayed or neutered.

PEGGY    Well that's an idea, Al. We could spay or neuter Buck.

AL       Not a chance. Look, I'll just fix the fence, okay?

STEVE    Well, I don't think that'll help much, Al. You know what they say, "how are going to 
         keep them down on the farm after they've poked Paris".

PITMAN   You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

STEVE    Aw, now, Mr. Pitman. Uh... look, how about this? If Al gets his dog neutered, [Al 
         reacts] will you forget about a lawsuit?

PITMAN   Well, looking around it doesn't look like I could get much. Looks like you've already 
         been sued by life. [Peggy opens the door for him] Alright, I'll accept those terms. But
         Bundy, I don't want your stupid dog near my poodle ever again! And while we're on the
         subject, keep your daughter away from my son.

AL       Well, she was probably just lending him a dress.

Peggy laughs. Mr. Pitman gives Al a stern look, then leaves.

STEVE    Well, I guess that just goes to show you what can happen when you use a little 
         diplomacy. What a day, huh? I delivered a litter of puppies and still had time to save
         your bacon. Brewskies, all around.

Steve heads to the kitchen.

AL       [following him] Well, Steve, what can I say except that I wish you were dead...

PEGGY    That's just Al's way of saying "thanks" for saving us hundreds of dollars that would've 
         taken Al thousands of years to make.

STEVE    [giving Al a beer] You're welcome.

AL       You're not. And I'm not neutering my dog. That's the way God made him and that's the way 
         he stays.

PEGGY    Al, he is climbing over every dog in the neighborhood.

AL       Oh why, 'cause Pitman says so? How does he know? The man spells "sex" 9-7-6. Now look,
         we all know Buck. Remember the time we had to pull his head out of the water dish to
         keep him from drowning?

PEGGY    He was only two, honey.

AL       Oh please, the dog is incapable of thought, much less reproduction. I don't care what 
         anybody says. Buck is innocent until proven guilty.

Buck runs eagerly inside, followed by two dogs and they all run upstairs. Moments later, Bud
appears at the top of the stairs.

BUD      Dad, the dogs are in your bedroom.

AL       Well... do something!!

Bud disappears. A few seconds later, "When A Man Loves A Woman" is heard from the upstairs room.
Al looks steamed.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Steve and Marcy are sitting at the Bundy's kitchen table. Peggy brings them each a cuppa. 
Al enters from the back door. His shirt is torn.

AL       Well, the dogs are gone. There was line at the gate too, but I got rid of them. Where 
         were we?

PEGGY    We were neutering the dog, Al. Oh but honey, before you take him down, could you ask him 
         for a few pointers?

AL       Well, one thing that seems to work him was, there was no one lying there yelling a bunch 
         of instructions at him.

Steve and Marcy look uneasy.

PEGGY    Well, you obviously didn't pay any attention to those charts I put up in the bathroom.

Steve and Marcy look disgusted.

AL       I thought that meant "put the clothes in the hamper"?

PEGGY    Hahaha. You've been missing that too, Al.

STEVE    [getting up] Uhh, guys, please. Uh, look Al, why don't you just take him down, get him 
         neutered and be done with it?

AL       Because I'm not neutering him.

Peggy is at the counter, preparing a salad.

PEGGY    Oh, come on Al, it is no big thing. 

Peggy slices the end of a cucumber. Steve and Al look at each other.

MARCY    Al, you'll really be doing him a favor. I read that neutered dogs live longer, they're 
         calmer and they're more affectionate.

PEGGY    Hm, makes them more affectionate, huh?

She looks at Al.

MARCY    He won't even notice after a while.

AL       Believe me, Marce, it's the kind of a thing a guy would notice.

PEGGY    Come on, Al, it is a simple, painless operation. 

Peggy cuts off two radishes from a stem.

AL       I bought a male dog because I wanted a male dog.

STEVE    He'll still be a male dog.

AL       No he won't be a male dog, he'll be a... a thing. Like a, like a girl.

PEGGY    Listen Al, let's be practical. Mr. Pitman won't sue if we have Buck neutered. And if the
         court is going to award anyone what's left of your money, it's gonna be me.

MARCY    [standing] Here here. Come on, Peggy. I'll get you the numbers of a couple of 
         vetenarians we met at our Animal Rights group.

PEGGY    Oh, great.

MARCY    Oh, and while you're there you've gotta see my new fox jacket.

Peggy laughs. The ladies leave. Al stands up next to Steve.

AL       Well, are you happy now, Dr. Hack-em-off?

STEVE    Come on, Al. Deep down you know it's the best thing for him.

Al and Steve sit on the couch with Buck. Steve crosses his legs.

STEVE    You're making this sound a lot more gruesome than it is.

AL       Oh really, Steve? Why are your legs crossed?

Steve uncrosses his legs.

STEVE    They're not.

Just as Al begins talking, Steve crosses his legs again.

AL       You know, I can't believe you're not with me on this thing, Steve. I mean, you, me and 
         Buck - we're guys. We were put on this Earth to roam, to conquer; to rule. Then we got
         married so it's over for us, but uh... but Buck. He's in his prime. Look at him, Steve.
         [Steve looks at him] You can't tell me you're not a little envious. He's got the life. A 
         new bitch every night, doesn't have to take them to dinner, doesn't have to dress up, 
         doesn't have to take a bath, and best of all... they're not there in the morning. Just 
         "woof woof, thank you, ma'am". Think about it, Steve.

STEVE    Well, I really don't mind bathing, Al. Other than that he's everything I've ever wanted
         to be.

AL       And be like me, Steve -- live through him. You saw that little poodle he was with?

Steve, laughing, talks to Buck.

STEVE    How was she? 

Al and Steve giggle.

STEVE    [with realization] What am I saying? This is a dog.

Peggy and Marcy enter.

PEGGY    Marcy suggested this vet that's not too far from us. And guess what, Al, she's a woman.

AL       Of course. What does she do? Nag 'em till they drop off?

PEGGY    Al, there is a "stupid, ugly puppy" sale going on in every house on the block. They know 
         it's Buck.

AL       [getting up] Ah, wait a second, Peg. So it's all Buck's fault, huh? Well, if these 
         neighbors don't want any more puppies, let them spay their dogs.  

MARCY    Oh, that is so typically male. Birth control is always the woman's responsibility.

AL       They have the babies!

MARCY    God, you're a pig. [sits next to Steve] Well, it may surprise you, Al, but some feel 
         that responsibility should be shared equally. Right, Steve?

STEVE    [patting Buck] Right, dear.

MARCY    And some men even feel that it's their duty to assume the role of family planning. 
         Right, Steve?

STEVE    Right, dear.

MARCY    And after we have our little boy and little girl, Steve's going to have a vasectomy. 
         Right, Steve?

Steve looks up in fright.

STEVE    Steve is going to have what, dear?

AL       You know, Steve, like Buck - you've live longer, you'll be calmer...

STEVE    Shut up, Al. [to Marcy] Uh, dear, we never talked about doing anything to, uh, "Mr. 
         Mike".

MARCY    Sure we did, Steve, we said that once we'd had our two children we'd stop.

STEVE    Well, I guess I read "stop" a little differently than you did.

MARCY    Just how did you read it, Steve? You're no better than Al.

PEGGY    Now now, there is no need for insults.
 
Steve stands, making Marcy stand too.

STEVE    Look, Marcy, all you have to do is take a pill.

MARCY    The pill could be dangerous, Steve.

STEVE    So could I if you try to rewire my plumbing.

AL       [laughing] Ahh, this is just great! Buck's keeping his and Steve's losing his.

PEGGY    Buck is not keeping his.

STEVE    And Steve is not losing his.

MARCY    Well, we'll see about that. [walks past him] Come on, Steve, we'll talk about this at
         home. I can't believe you. It's just a simple, little operation.

STEVE    [scoffs] Yeah, what if there's a slip-up? What if there's an Earthquake? What if the 
         doctor has hiccups? Then where would I be, huh? [they start out] Standing outside a
         harem door in a diaper, that's where!

They leave.

PEGGY    Ah, he'll have it done. Anyway honey, I'm going to make an appointment for you and Buck 
         tomorrow at 10.

AL       Now, wait a minute, Peg. We're going about this all wrong. It's not up to you, it's not 
         up it me. It's Bud's dog. Now you tell him we're neutering his dog and let him make the
         decision. [calling] Bud! Come down here.

Bud comes downstairs.

BUD      What, Dad?

Al gestures for Peggy to ask bud the question.

PEGGY    Honey, is it alright if we neuter your dog?

BUD      Sure.

Bud walks off.


SCENE TWO

Peggy, Al and Buck are sitting on the couch. Buck is lying across Al's lap.

AL       Aww, Peg.

PEGGY    Tomorrow at 10, Al.

AL       Look at him. He knows.

PEGGY    I've been looking at him for three years. He knows nothing.

AL       That's not true, Peg. A hundred she-dogs can't be wrong. He knows... he knows one thing.

PEGGY    Well, I'm going up to bed. [leaning in closer to Al] Oh, and speaking of that "one 
         thing", you wanna come up and join me?

AL       In a little while, Peg. I want to spend the last night with my entire dog.

Peggy shakes her head and goes upstairs.
Al talks to buck.

AL       There's a woman for ya. All day long it's, "hack 'em off, hack 'em off, hack 'em off"... 
         as soon as the sun goes down it's, "here boy, here boy, here boy". Listen, Buck, I
         tried, huh? You know I tried. You understand, huh? 

Al sighs and falls asleep. 
He starts dreaming:

Al comes home from work.

AL       I'm home, everybody! [no response] Hahaha. No thank you, I don't need anything. [he sits 
         on the couch with a sigh] Buck! Come here, boy!

Buck, at the fridge, is now the size of a normal man. He's wearing a tank top and boxer shorts. 
He retrieves a beer from the fridge, then sits next to Al.

AL       Hey, that looks good. Got one for me?

Buck gives Al a look.

AL       Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?

BUCK     Whadaya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can 
         rub my belly and see my shame?

AL       You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate?

BUCK     Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

A dog is heard barking somewhere outside.

BUCK     Yeah, not this year, honey!

AL       Oh, come on, Buck. You can't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Hey, whadaya 
         say we go for a walk? I hear they painted the big hydrant at the end of the corner.

BUCK     Nah. I hear a lot of the MALE dogs hang out there. 

AL       Alright, let's clear the air here. This was for your own good.

BUCK     Oh, thank you, Master! You know, my head is a great source of pleasure to me too, how 
         'bout cutting that off?

AL       Come on, Buck! Don't you think I feel bad enough? 

BUCK     No.

AL       Well, what can I do to make it up to ya? I know! How 'bout a shiny new collar?

BUCK     [with even more sarcasm] Oh, yeah! That's much better than what I had before! Gee, how 
         'bout one with studs? You know, to impress the ladies? That is before they find out I'M
         A UNICH!

AL       [patting him] Come on, boy...

BUCK     [getting up] keep your hands off me.

AL       Getting a little testy, aren't you, boy?

Buck turns around and glares at Al, growling.

BUCK     Well, Bundy, I guess you're pretty darn proud of yourself, huh?

AL       Oh, come on, Buck, I tried to stop this.

BUCK     You might have tried a little harder!

AL       Well, I know! Why don't we do something to get your mind off it? Hey, [picking up the
         remote] you wanna watch the Bears game?

BUCK     Oh, I don't know. I'm not much into sports anymore. How about taking me to a Peter Allen
         concert?

Al cringes.

AL       Ahh! What have I done!? Oh, Buck, I didn't want this to happen.

BUCK     I know you didn't, Bundy. And that, that's what makes it even harder to swallow. Ah,
         what's the difference? I'm sick of the sight of ya.

Buck starts towards the door.

AL       Where are you going?

BUCK     Oh, I guess I'll go out and sniff a few butts for old time's sake.

Buck opens the front door. Two psycho killers, complete with a chainsaw, come in.

CHAINSAW Hi, we're insane killers.

Buck welcomes them in.

AL       [in fear] Sic 'em, Buck!

Buck laughs evilly. The killer starts his chainsaw and holds it over his head. Buck leaves.

AL       Buck! Oh, Buck! Extra yummies...

Al screams in horror. The dream ends.
The sound of the chainsaw now becomes the whirring of a blender Peggy is using in the kitchen.
Al comes downstairs. Buck is on the couch. Al looks at him.

PEGGY    Well, today's the day. 

AL       Do I have to, Peg?

PEGGY    Oh honey, everybody says that this is the best thing for Buck. We've had all the 
         arguments and there is not one good reason not to do this.

AL       He knows, Peg. Look how he's looking at me.

PEGGY    He's looking at me, Al. And he's thinking what everybody who looks at me thinks - "that
         poor woman". Just take him down. I'll go get his leash.

Peggy gets the leash. Buck "talks" to Al.

BUCK     [in Al's head] You know what you have to do.

Al cringes and nods sadly. Peggy returns with the leash.

AL       You look real nice today, Peg.

PEGGY    Thanks, Al.

AL       Wanna go upstairs?

PEGGY    For what?

AL       "It", Peg. I'm in the mood.

Peggy immediately drops the leash and grabs Al's hand.

PEGGY    Let's go!

She leads Al towards the stairs.

PEGGY    You can always take Buck next weekend. That is unless you're... [smiles] busy next 
         weekend.

AL       Go on upstairs, Peg, I'll be right up.

Peggy runs anxiously up the stairs. Al speaks to Buck.

AL       You owe me big.


THE END