Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

No Guest Cast



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundy living room.
Peggy is lying on the couch reading a magazine.



PEGGY    Al! Come on down it’s time for work. [pause] Come on, honey. I’m making you a nice hot
         breakfast. Just listen to that bacon sizzle.

Peggy picks up some cellophane and rustles it to make a frying bacon sound.
The doorbell rings and Peggy gets up to answer it.

AL       [o.s.] Keep it hot, Peg. I’ll be down in a minute.

PEGGY    Sure I will.

Peggy opens the door to Marcy.

MARCY    Peggy I’ve got some great news. Two men came to our house this morning...

PEGGY    Al, I’m going over to Marcy’s!

MARCY    They’re gone now.

PEGGY    Oh.

Al comes down the stairs.

PEGGY    Al, Marcy’s here.

AL       Nice try Peg, but I’m still hungry.

Al and Peggy move over to the kitchen.

AL       Where’s my breakfast?

PEGGY    The dog ate it.

AL       I see he put the pots and pans away too.

Marcy comes over.

MARCY    Al, I was just telling Peggy about this great idea. You know that little hole in your
         driveway, the one all the neighborhood children splash and play in after it rains? Well,
         these guys just finished a major re-paving job a couple of blocks from here and they
         offered to re-do both our driveways for only $500. Isn’t that great?

PEGGY    I dunno. I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago but his philosophy is,
         "why improve a home you’re only gonna live in anyway?"

Peggy gives Al some juice. Marcy sits.

MARCY    Al, can you think of a better way to raise the value of your home and save a little
         money into the bargain?

AL       Sure. [to Peggy] Pack your bags, hon.

Al and Peggy laugh. Peggy sits.

MARCY    Look, they said we have to do this right away or they’ll be gone. And I think it’s a
         great deal.

AL       Uh-huh. What does Steve think?

MARCY    Well, he’s in Buffalo at a meeting of tellers against the penny. Steve firmly believes
         the one cent piece is a thing of the past. 

AL       Well, I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

Al gets up and takes his juice over to the couch. Peggy follows him.

PEGGY    Come on Al, make a decision. These guys are leaving the neighborhood.

AL       Of course they’re leaving the neighborhood, these guys are crooks. First you gotta
         believe they just happen to be in the neighborhood and second, we have to believe that
         two guys see Marcy and are willing to come back. I mean is there nothin’ so stupid that
         some woman won’t fall for it? 

Al sits on the couch.

PEGGY    I fell for you, sweetie.

MARCY    How could you marry such a chauvinistic, sexist man?

PEGGY    A dare.

AL       Look I’m not sexist. I’m just saying women don’t know nothin’. Asphalt and finances are
         male oriented fields and since Steve is as close to a male as you have, he should be in
         on the decision.

MARCY    I’ll have you know I have a degree in economics and work as a loan officer in a bank.
         [she sits on the chair] So if anything I am more qualified to make financial
         decisions than you are.

AL       As good as you bankers may be at saying, "We’re sorry, Farmer Brown, we’re foreclosing,
         go sell pencils." In this house I’m the boss and I make the financial decisions.

PEGGY    [sitting next to Al] Oh, and what a shrewd financial decider he is too. Come on, honey
         tell her about the time you shrewdly decided not to buy into that property that some 
         sucker built the Sears Tower on.

AL       Don’t forget Peg, the money we saved there allowed us to buy that two-thirds acre on
         lake Chicamocomico. It may not look like much now but when they figure out how to keep
         plants and animals alive in there that’s gonna be quite a little paradise.


MARCY    I’ll bet. But Al, I know a good thing when I see it too and even without you the deal is 
         still a good one and I’m going to do it. 

AL       Well you are woman, go out and roar.

Al dips his finger in his juice then licks his finger.

AL       Mmm, I’m full. Peg, as usual every day’s thanksgiving. 

Al gets up and heads for the front door.

AL       I’m goin' to work. Marce, I’ll see ya tonight.

MARCY    What for?

AL       Well after these guys rip you off you’ll be back to tell me I was right. ‘Cause I will
         be.

MARCY    You’re that sure of yourself?

AL       Marcy, I’d bet my retirement property on it, if the army didn’t have it padlocked.

Al laughs and leaves.

MARCY    Peggy, I cannot for the life of me understand why you live with that man.

PEGGY    Well, in Al’s defence, what with overtime, television and the bathroom I really don’t see 
         him very much.

MARCY    See ya later.

Marcy walks over to the door and opens it.
Bud rushes in.

BUD      Mom, big news down the block. The cops just arrested these two guys trying to pull the
         old asphalt scam.



PEGGY    They what?

BUD      Yeah, you know, the one where they offer to re-do your drive way real cheap, but they
         just use oil. So when it rains it all washes away.

Marcy looks dejected.

BUD      You’d have to be a real feeb to fall for that one.

Peggy lifts up the phone and starts to dial. Marcy walks over to Peggy.

MARCY    Who are you calling?



PEGGY    Al’s mother. I told him I’d invite her for summer next time he was right about anything.

MARCY    How do you think he’ll take it?

PEGGY    Take what?

Peggy holds the phone away from her ear.

PHONE    [an older woman's voice] Hello?

MARCY    My having to tell Al he was right.

PEGGY    You’re not seriously going to do that are you?

PHONE    HELLO...!

MARCY    Well, I have too! He’s bound to find out, if he hasn’t already.

PEGGY    Marcy, let me tell you somethin’...

PHONE    Peggy, is that you?

Peggy hangs up the phone.

PEGGY    In the sixteen years I’ve been married to Al I’ve learned there are certain things never
         to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women’s
         gymnastics are on, then you gotta shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning, he
         thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he’s right. 

MARCY    Why?

PEGGY    Because he’s a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he’s right
         is Al. Believe me I know this from experience. Let me tell you a story.

They both sit on the couch.

PEGGY    A few years after we were married I told Al I could hold up a fender so he could fix
         the flat tyre. He said, no let a man do it. I said I could. So to make a long story
         short a man had to set his leg that night. But to this day whenever I ask Al to do
         somethin’ for me that he doesn’t wanna do he lifts up that leg and says he can’t and
         it’s my fault. The worst part about it is, he’s right. Marcy, don’t let him lift his leg 
         on you.


SCENE TWO

Marcy is alone in bed. She is tossing and turning in her sleep.
We hear the voices in Marcy’s dream.

AL       [in dream] Guess I’ll see you tonight, Marce.

MARCY    [in dream] What for?

AL       [in dream] To tell me I was right.

PEGGY    [in dream] You’re not seriously gonna do that are you?

AL       [in dream] Tell me I was right... Tell me I was right... I was right...

STEVE    [o.s.] Marcy, I’m back.

Marcy wakes up.

MARCY    Steve! I thought you weren’t due back ‘til tomorrow night.

STEVE    [o.s.] I missed you.

Steve enters, removes his jacket and hangs it in the closet. He has his back turned towards
Marcy.

STEVE    Sorry I didn’t call. So, ya wanna fool around?

MARCY    Sure.

Steve turns round to face Marcy. To Marcy’s horror Steve has turned into Al.

AL       I’m so glad to hear that.



Marcy wakes up, breathless and frightened.


SCENE THREE

The Bundy living room.
The door bell rings and Peggy answers it. Marcy enters.

MARCY    I haven’t slept in eighteen hours.

Marcy sits on the couch.

PEGGY    Oh, Steve’s not back yet and you have those empty bed blues, huh? 

MARCY    Well, yes and no. Peggy, do you ever dream?

PEGGY    Nah! Why dream when I have all this?

MARCY    No, I mean do you ever have dreams, nightmares? I had a real doozie last night.

PEGGY    What about?

MARCY    Al.

PEGGY    AL? My Al?

MARCY    Yeh. See, I was asleep and...

PEGGY    [cutting her off] Did he have feet?

MARCY    Beg pardon?

PEGGY    It’s funny, I my dreams Al never has any feet. Aw well, go on.

MARCY    Well I my dream Steve came in and asked me if I wanted to fool around and when I said
         yes, he turned and it was Al.

PEGGY    My Al? Then what happened?

MARCY    Nothing.

PEGGY    Yup, sounds like my Al.

MARCY    I hope you're not upset, Peggy.

PEGGY    About a dream? Don’t be silly, Marce. If you’d dream that Al was in your bedroom I
         should be apologising to you.

MARCY    Thanks, Peg.

Marcy gets up and walks towards the door but turns back.

MARCY    Oh! Could you do me a favor, please don’t tell Al about this.

PEGGY    Don’t worry. But could you do something for me?

MARCY    What?

PEGGY    If you ever dream about Al again, could you check to see if he has any feet? It really
         bothers me.

MARCY    Sure thing.

Marcy turns around to leave just as Al comes in.

AL       Hi Marce, Hi Peg.

MARCY    Bye Peggy, Al.

Marcy sheepishly walks past Al and leaves.

AL       What’s with her?

PEGGY    Oh, she had a dream she slept with you last night

They both sit on the couch. Al laughs.

AL      Heh Heh Heh. Yeh she’s a lucky gal!




SCENE FOUR

Marcy is in bed, tossing and turning.

STEVE    [o.s.] Marcy I’m home.

Marcy wakes up.

MARCY    Steve?

STEVE    [o.s] Yeh.

Steve enters, removes his jacket and hangs it in the closet. He has his back turned towards
Marcy.

STEVE    Sorry I’m late, honey. The pro-penny people pelted us with nickels.

Marcy sits up and looks at Steve.

STEVE    Did I wake you?

Steve turns to face Marcy. Marcy is relieved to see it is Steve.

MARCY    Steve! It is you!

STEVE    Of course it’s me. Gimme a hug.

Marcy jumps out of bed and runs over to Steve. They hug.

STEVE    Ya miss me?

MARCY    Hmmm.



STEVE    Don’t worry. Daddy’s home.

Steve and Marcy stop hugging. Marcy looks up at Steve and he has turned into Al.

AL       ...and Daddy’s gonna make it all better.



Marcy wakes up, panting. She is alone in bed.

STEVE    [o.s.] Marcy, I’m home.

Steve enters.

STEVE    Oh hon. You wouldn’t believe the traffic over O'Hare tonight.

Steve removes his jacket and hangs it in the closet. He has his back turned towards Marcy.
Marcy stares at him intensely.



STEVE    I swear. Some day that’s where there gonna find Amelia Airheart. [he turns around and
         walks over to Marcy] But the eagle has landed. [he lies on the bed next to Marcy] You
         wanna fool around?

Marcy covers her mouth, gets up and runs into the bathroom to be sick.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy is in the kitchen setting the table.
Kelly comes in carrying a pizza box under her arm.



KELLY    Pizza's here.

PEGGY    Kelly, you know that’s not the way to hold a pizza.

KELLY    Mom. Have you ever tried to carry one of these things sittin’ on the back of a Harley
         goin’ sixty while trying to hold on to a fat guy who’s wearin’ nothing but chains and
         black leather?

PEGGY   Yes I have. And that’s not the way to do it.

Peggy takes the pizza from Kelly and puts it on the table.

KELLY    Mom. Are we gonna do anything different this summer?

PEGGY    Well, Daddy got seats for the ball game again.

KELLY    Oh puke! 

PEGGY    I thought you liked the Cubs.

KELLY    I do. I just hate watchin’ them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad
         always gets the seats.

PEGGY    Well honey. Maybe some day they’ll forget about that fan interference call that kept
         the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.

KELLY    I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin’ the wave.

Kelly heads upstairs. 
The doorbell rings and Peggy answers it. A very tired looking Marcy comes in.

PEGGY    Marcy, you’re a wreck! [they move over to the couch] Oh I see, Steve got back and you
         two were at it all night.

MARCY    No. I had that dream again. With Al.

Peggy looks upset.

MARCY    This is the part where you’re supposed to make a joke about Al being quick in the sack
         so I can laugh and see you’re not really mad or anything.

PEGGY    Marcy, that’s two nights in a row. Al hasn’t been quick in the sack with me for two
         nights in a row in years.

MARCY    Hey. You think I’m enjoying this? I was throwing up all night.

PEGGY    Well so did I at first, but it passes!

Peggy and Marcy stand up.

MARCY    What ever happened to "it’s only a dream, don’t worry about it"? Peggy can’t you see
         what hell my life’s becoming? I haven’t slept in forty-eight hours and Steve’s mad at me
        ‘cause every time he brings up sex I get sick. And now you’re yelling at me.

PEGGY    And why not? You’re the one dreaming around with my husband.

Al enters.

AL       Hey Peg.

PEGGY    Huh! 

Peggy walks away. Al moves over to Marcy.

AL       Hey Marce.

Al takes off his jacket. He thrusts his chest out towards Marcy.

AL       Well, I tell ya, what a day.



Marcy looks away. Al moves his bicep under Marcy’s face and flexes his muscles as he talks.

AL       All day long it’s, pick up the shoe, put down the shoe, pick up the shoe. Hey tomorrow
         may be a good day for you Marce, tomorrow I wash the car. [posing in front of Marcy] In
         my t-shirt.

Marcy walks over to Peggy.

MARCY    I can’t believe you told him.

PEGGY    I can’t believe you dream about him.

AL       I can’t believe everybody doesn’t!

MARCY    I’m mortified!

AL       Well, get happy!

Al starts posing in front of Marcy. Marcy is nauseous and runs out.



AL       Ah Peg. It looks like another little filly in the old Bundy stable. [he sits, still
         flexing and posing] Get me a beer will ya?

PEGGY    Al. What are you doing in Marcy’s dream?

AL       [still flexing] Ruining her for all other men. [he kisses his bicep]

Peggy starts pacing behind the couch, wagging her finger in an angry manner.

PEGGY    You are doing something to cause those dreams. Now I don’t know what it is but want you
         to cut it out.

AL       Well I’ll cut it out Peg, just tell me what to do. What should I do? Stop wearing
         t-shirts? Stop oozing sex from every pore?

PEGGY    That isn’t sex, Al.

AL       What should I do Peg?

Peggy leans across the couch towards Al.

PEGGY    Well, you could come up stairs and be my dream lover for a while.

AL       Aw! Peg. Not tonight. [he holds up his leg and pretends to be in pain] It’s this leg,
         it’s been acting up again. Ever since that night with the car. 

Peggy paces behind the couch and starts nagging like crazy.

PEGGY    Fine. Fine. Let’s just discuss who else’s dreams you’ve been gallivanting around in. [Al
         slumps down in the couch] Perhaps Mrs Prichard across the street, I’ve seen how she
         looks at you over her walker. If you think I’m gonna put up with... 

As Al slowly loses the will to live, we fade to...


SCENE TWO

Marcy is sitting on her bed reading a book titled ‘Basic Dream Interpretation’.
Steve comes in from the bathroom, he is dressed in his pyjamas.

STEVE    [singing] "If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on sugar, let me know"...



Steve joins Marcy on the bed. Marcy continues to read.

STEVE    [singing emphatically] "If you really need me just reach out and touch me..."



MARCY    Steve, please. I’m trying to read.

STEVE    You don’t have to stop, just let me get a hammer and I’ll nail that sucker to the
         ceiling!

Steve tries to get Marcy to lie down but she sits back up again.

MARCY    Steve, I have a question. Do you think it’s possible to dream that you’re interpreting a
         dream or must you be awake to do this? And what are dreams anyway? Could we just be the
         dreams of some greater sleeping being and, if so, are we then in fact real?

Steve just stares at her.



STEVE    I want sex, Marcy.

MARCY    I think I’m getting nauseous.

Marcy gets up and runs into the bathroom.

STEVE    Alright that’s it! [he gets up and walks over to the bathroom door] Look, I’ve asked
         more than a couple of women to go to bed with me in my time and, while I admit, some of
         their responses may be somewhat cruel, not very many jumped up and stuck their heads in
         the toilet. Now something strange is going on here and I demand to know what it is.
         Don’t toy with me Marcy, I’m horny and I’ve been to Buffalo.

Steve walks over to the bed and sits. Marcy comes out of the bathroom and joins Steve on the
bed.

MARCY    Well ok, I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to get angry.

STEVE    Fine.

MARCY    Well it’s like this...

We cut to an exterior shot of the Rhoades house.

STEVE    [screaming] AL!?!?


SCENE THREE

The Bundy living room.
Al is slumped on the couch with his tie undone and his shirt open. 
Peggy is on the stairs, wearing her night clothes, and still nagging.

PEGGY    ...and where are you when I dream? Where were you when I dreamt I was drowning?

AL       How could I swim? You said I have no feet.

PEGGY    If you loved me you would have paddled!

Peggy storms upstairs.
There is a sharp knock at the door.

AL       Who is it?

STEVE    [o.s.] Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.

Al gets up to answer the door.

AL       Bartholomew!?

Al opens the door.

STEVE    Al, I’m horny. What are you gonna do about it?

Al pulls Steve inside.

AL       Get in here. Don’t go yellin’ things like that. I got kids up there, or out there,
         somewhere. I don’t know.

Peggy comes down stairs.

PEGGY    Did she tell you, Steve?

STEVE    Yes, Peggy. 

Steve takes Peggy’s hand and they walk over to the kitchen.



PEGGY    He’s an animal.

STEVE    I don’t know what happened. I go outta town for one day, I come back and my wife’s
         throwing up and dreaming she’s sleeping with your husband. I guess that why they call it 
         the blues.

AL       I’m getting outta here, You two can go on blaming me for the dreams of a totally 
         insane woman. I’m goin’ to a hotel. [pause] Better make it the Y. I don’t want any women 
         to see me.

Al walks outside to the front of the house.
Marcy arrives. She is in her nightgown and carrying the ‘Basic Dream Interpretation’ book.

AL       Well look who’s here, the dream weaver. Why can’t you have normal dreams like me? You
         know, where your Maharaja Bundy, you know, and women with four breasts feed you
         Ding-Dongs.

MARCY    Is Steve in there?

AL       No! There are no other men in my dream, just Phil Donahue and we feed him to the lizard
         people.

MARCY    No, I meant is Steve in your house?

AL       Oh! Yeah. He and Peg want me dead. You, you just want me.

MARCY    Sit down, Al.

They walk over to the seat. Al goes to sit but hesitates.

AL       You’re not gonna be lookin’ at my butt or anything are you?



MARCY    I think I can guarantee that, sit down Al.

AL       All right. [he sits] What is it?

Marcy sits next to him.

MARCY    I know now why I was having those dreams Al. Remember those driveway re-pavers you said
         were going to rip me off? They were, Al. But I never told you and the guilt I had
         manifested itself in my dreams.

AL       But I thought that...

MARCY    That I desired you? Ha! No, Al.

Marcy stands.

MARCY    I was being punished, much as sex with you must actually be like. So now in order to rid 
         myself of the guilt and those horrible, horrible dreams. I’ve come to say, you were
         right. You hear that Al. You were right and I was wrong. [she sits] You’re the man and 
         I’m the woman and in this case the man was right. The man knew better than the woman.
         The woman should have listened to the man, are you satisfied Al, is that what you want
         to hear??

AL       Wait a second, hold on a second... You didn’t desire me?

MARCY    You didn’t even have feet!

Steve comes out of the house and joins Al and Marcy.

STEVE    Marcy. I thought I heard you out here. What’s going on? 

Marcy gets up and walks over to Steve.

MARCY    Oh nothin’, just purging myself that’s all.

STEVE    Oh honey, not again.

MARCY    Not that. Everything’s fine now, let’s go home.

STEVE    You mean home as in...

MARCY    Last one up has to read the ceiling.

Marcy runs off.

STEVE    I’m gonna have sex, Al.

Steve runs off after Marcy.
Al lifts his foot and starts rubbing his ankle.



AL       What’s everybody talkin’ about? I got feet.

Al goes inside.
Peggy is pacing up and down.

PEGGY    Al, Steve and I were talkin’ about you being in Marcy’s dream and...

AL       I was right about it being stupid to blame me.

PEGGY    You’re not gonna lord this over me are you?

AL       Sure I am, Peg.

PEGGY    Well, I’m goin’ up to bed now.

AL       Good.

Al sits on the couch.

PEGGY    Why don’t you come on up and show me what dreams are really made of?

Peggy leans over and kisses Al on the cheek.



AL       I’ll be up in a little bit, Peg.

Peggy heads upstairs.
Al looks at his feet, shrugs and lies back on the couch.

AL       Well, at least it’s all over.

Al rests his head on the back of the couch and shuts his eyes.

PEGGY    [o.s.] Al, Al! You comin’ up?

AL       I said I’d be up in a second, Peg.

Peggy comes down stairs and stands behind the couch. She starts massaging the back of Al’s head.



AL       I said I’d be right up.

Al looks up at Peggy -- she has turned into Marcy.



MARCY    [seductively] Well, don’t wait too long, tiger.

The scene changes to the exterior of the Bundy house.
We hear Al scream with terror.

AL       Ahhhhhh!!!


THE END