Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Nick.......................Geoffrey Scott
Guard......................Billy Beck
Happy......................J.J. Johnston
Ed.........................Lewis Arquette
Bart.......................Rick Waln
Donna......................Amanda Sherman
Nancy......................Diana Bellamy
Teddy......................Vonni Ribisi



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 The kitchen.
 Peggy is using an electric can opener to open a can of tuna, while behind her Kelly is setting 
 the table. There are several plates with food on the counter. Bud enters through the washing
 room and walks over to Peggy.

BUD     Mom, you're cooking!

PEGGY   Well, it's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.

 Bud walks over to Kelly.

BUD     You know Kel, for a while there I was catching up to you. Another couple of years and
        we'd have been in the same grade. You could've gone out with my friend Moosey. [smiles]

KELLY   Oh, I couldn't! Word around school is that you're dating him. [smiles sweetly]

 Peg brings two plates to the kitchen table.

PEGGY   Come on now kids, we're Bundys. How often do we get to be happy?

 Peg chuckles and sighs. She puts her arm around Kelly's shoulder.

PEGGY   Kelly, I'm so proud of you. I remember your first day of school. How we both cried. And
        then you discovered boys and I discovered daytime television. [chuckles] You know, one 
        of these days you're gonna marry one of those boys, and then you'll discover daytime
        television.

KELLY   Is it okay if I have a life first, mom?

PEGGY   Sure. Give it a try.

 Peggy walks back to the kitchen. Al comes in and waves hello.

PEGGY   Hi honey.

 Al walks over to Peggy.

AL      Peg, I heard some bad news on the radio driving home.

PEGGY   Hmph. "You don't use it, you lose it"?

AL      What do I care, you already got it. Anyway, you know Gary, the guy who owns the shoe
        store. Well, he was in a plane that crashed into the ocean off the coast of Hawaii.

PEGGY   Gee, everybody gets to go to Hawaii but us.

 Peggy places two more plates on the table.

AL      Peg, for a change you don't understand. A human life has just been snuffed out. Now 
        who's gonna sign my paycheck?

PEGGY   What's to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels.

AL      Well, it isn't anything compared to what you bring home. You know, like the swine flu 
        you brought back from your family reunion. Look, I could end up unemployed here! Now how
        am I gonna pay my bills?

BUD     Well, if Kelly ever graduates, we're gonna have a heck of a lawsuit against the Board of
        Education.

AL      We can't count on that, Bud.

KELLY   You know, they already call us "the poor Bundys". I mean, what will they call us when we
        have no money?

BUD     "Those darn poachers"?

AL      Ah, what am I worried about. They're not gonna fire me. I got exprience, I got... Well,
        they're not gonna fire me. You know what really bothers me about this death thing? Here's
        a guy lying dead on the bottom of the ocean, and he never even took the time to meet me.

 Al sits down on the couch.

PEGGY   Well, I bet he's sorry now, Al.

AL      Yeah, you bet. You know, I worked for this guy for years and he never even knew that I
        was alive. You know, I never thought of this before, but I deserve some recognition.
        Everybody deserves a pat on the back every now and then.

PEGGY   Yeah, what about me, Al?

 Peggy sits down next to Al.

AL      I'm sorry, honey, I was talking about people who work. Well, now there'll be new owners
        that will ignore me. Well, you know, after the family stops bereaving and all.

PEGGY   You know, Al, maybe we should send something special to the family.

AL      Yeah? How about some scuba gear and a body bag?

 Al and Peggy laugh.

AL      Uh, no, you're right, Peg. We oughta get something. Yeah, get something big and
        expensive. Yeah, I don't think they'd appreciate your father, so, uh, I guess we'll have
        to do with flowers.

PEGGY   Al, you never even met Gary.

AL      But Peg, that's the whole point. When they see my present, they'll remember Al Bundy.

PEGGY   Well, if you wanted that, why don't you just send them your socks?

 Bud, who is eating at the kitchen table, turns around holding a piece of tuna on his fork.

BUD	Mom, how do we know this tuna isn't dad's boss?

 Kelly freezes with her fork halfway to her mouth.

PEGGY   'Cause we bought it last year.

 Bud and Kelly nod in agreement and continue eating.

AL      I'm gonna call the florist right now.

PEGGY   You know, Al, all this talk about death really makes you think. [puts her hand around
        Al's shoulder] I mean, one minute the breadwinner is still alive, and then the next --
        You have insurance, don't you, Al?


SCENE TWO

 Peggy comes down the stairs looking at a magazine.

PEGGY   [calling out] Kelly, the guys in here are naked! If I ever see anything like this in 
        your room again you can just kiss it goodbye. [stops and looks at the magazine. To the
        picture:] Hel-lo!

 Peggy kisses the picture in the magazine and walks with it to the couch. Al comes in.

AL      Well, I sent the flowers out. I sent so many flowers they'll forget all about Gary.

 Al sits down on the couch next to Peggy, who is skimming through the magazine.

PEGGY   Do you ever think about sending me flowers, Al?

AL      Why would I do that? You're still alive. [looks at his watch] Well, they should have 
        been delivered by now. Stay off the phone, the family will probably be calling any 
        minute. For three hundred bucks they'd better.

PEGGY   Three hundred dollars?? Al, where did you get three hundred dollars?

AL      Our vacation money.

PEGGY   [disappointed] Oh, Al. I was planning on spending that on clothes.

AL      It's all right. Our future begins with Gary's death. Now...

 Al walks over to the phone at the other side of the couch, rubbing his hands together.

AL      [talking to the phone] Come on, phone, ring. Tell me you got the flowers. "What a guy.
        We're gonna give you a raise". Come on, ring.

 The doorbell rings. Al picks up the phone receiver.

AL      Hello?

PEGGY   Al, it's the door.

AL      Well get it, I'm on the phone. [Into the receiver:] Hello?

 Peggy gets up and opens the door. Steve and Marcy are standing outside.

STEVE   Hi.
Marcy   Hi.

PEGGY   Hi.

STEVE   Hey Al, did you hear about Gary?

AL      Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's dead, great tragedy and all that. Stay off my phone.

 A faint ding is heard. Al picks up the phone receiver again.

AL      Hello?

PEGGY   That's the oven timer, Al.

AL      You cooked?

PEGGY   Nah, it's just a reminder to order dinner.

 Peggy sits down on the couch next to Al.

AL      [to Steve and Marcy] Don't use my phone. Gary's widow is gonna call me.

MARCY   Uh, no she's not, Al. Gary's not dead. We just heard it on the news.

AL      He's alive? Are you sure?

 Steve and Marcy nod.

STEVE   Your boss is quite a guy, Al. A self-made millionaire. He was flying his own jet, had an
        equipment failure, bailed out and washed ashore at a topless hula school. They made a
        litter for him out of their grass skirts and nursed him back to health. They think he's 
        a god. So do I.

 Steve sits in the small couch.

PEGGY   Ah gee, isn't that great news, Al? You just spent three hundred dollars on flowers for a
        millionaire, so that your family could starve and your wife could go naked.

AL      Believe me Peg, I'd kill before I let you go naked. And no jury would convict me, either.
        [thoughtfully] All right, all right, so this guy is still alive. Fine. Good. Uh, so when
        he gets home, he'll see the flowers, he'll see how much I care, and, uh, I'll still get
        my raise. [reassured] This'll be the best three-hundred bucks I ever spent!

MARCY   I don't think he's going to see your flowers, Al. They said the family sent all the
        flowers out to his favorite charities.

PEGGY   [bitterly] Oh, well, gee, I - I hope they send some to the Poor and Stupid Home, 'cause
        that's where we'll be in a few years.

AL      I told you we're not gonna live with your mother.

 Al gets up and walks over to the kitchen. Peg follows him.

PEGGY   Well Al, at least you have a boss who's still alive.

AL      Stand back, it's Mardi Gras time! So I got the same stinking job I always had, but I'm
        out three hundred bucks.

 Al takes a can of beer out of the refrigirator.

AL      The only thing I wanted out of this death was a little recognition. Now, not only is Gary 
        not dead, he still doesn't know I'm alive!

PEGGY   Well, you know, honey, sometimes at night I'm not sure either. But then you burp. 

 Peggy laughs.

AL      You know, Peg, why don't we just get you a pointed hat with a bell on top. Then you could
        squirt me with seltzer and everything. Doesn't anybody understand what I'm talking about? 
        I work for a guy who wouldn't spit on me if he saw me.

 Steve gets up and faces Al.

STEVE   Ah, come on, Al. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure he'd spit on you if he saw you.

AL      Yeah, I'm sure you're out there shooting hoops with Mr. Savings & Loans.

STEVE   Look, I don't know the guy who owns the bank. Who knows his boss today? Who cares?

AL      Well, I do. I'm gonna meet my boss. He owes me that. I'm tracking him down. I'm going to
        give Gary thirty days to meet me face to face in Chicago. He's gonna shake my hand, he's
        gonna say: "Thank you, Al Bundy, nice job."

PEGGY   And what if he doesn't?

AL      Then I'm going to quit.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Bud is doing his homework at the kitchen table. Peg gets a jar of milk from the refrigerator 
 and pours some into Bud's cup, humming.

BUD     Mom, what are you humming about? This is the day dad said he's gonna quit.

 Peggy laughs.

PEGGY   So young, so young. Your father's not gonna quit.

BUD     From the time he gets home till the time he goes to sleep, he hasn't talked about
        anything else.

PEGGY   Yes, but have you noticed in the last week he hasn't mentioned it at all?

 Peg sits down next to Bud.

PEGGY   That's just your father's way of saying: "oops!". [laughs] Don't worry, your father's 
        not gonna quit.

BUD     I dunno. He's a proud man, mom.

PEGGY   Of what, dear?

BUD     I dunno. But in case you're wrong, I figured out a couple of ways for us to cut back.
        Oddly enough, they all involve Kelly. I say we make a clean break right now, before we
        come attached to her.

PEGGY   Bud, she's my daughter.

BUD     She's my sister and I'm willing to give her up...

 Kelly comes in holding a newspaper.

KELLY   All right, who put this ad in the paper: [reads] "Cheap blonde, sixteen, looks thirty,
        seeks job out of state. No reading or writing please"?

 Bud looks pleased with himself. Peggy looks at him reprovingly.

KELLY   Now listen. The day that I have to get a job is the day that I walk out of this house.

PEGGY   I feel the same way.

 Kelly joins Bud and Peg at the kitchen table.

KELLY   [to Peg] Dad's not really gonna quit, is he? I mean, it's like you always tell me: if a
        man doesn't work, he's no use at all.

PEGGY   Don't you think your father knows that? [chuckles] Just don't say anything to anyone
        about Gary, and I'm sure this whole thing will blow over. As long as no one knows, your
        father will never quit.

 Frame flips to the shoe store.
 A small crowd, consisting of three women (among them a large one named Nancy), a mall guard 
 and two mall salesmen (named Bart and Happy) has gathered at the shoe store and is counting
 backwards. Behind them is a banner that reads: "SO LONG, AL".

CROWD   Five, four, three, two, one... Goodbye, Al!

 They cheer and whistle. Al walks out of the stock room.

NANCY   So long, shoe man.

AL      You guys are pretty jolly. Don't you understand I'm doing this for us, the little guys -
        and one large woman? If I can meet my boss, maybe you can meet yours.

HAPPY   I don't wanna meet my boss, Al. I steal.

NANCY   Hey, we came to see you leave. Don't let us down.

AL      I'm going, I'm going. Wait a second. [To the guard:] Have you seen any sign of a rich 
        guy in the parking lot? A helicopter, a plane, a guy in a suit, anything.

GUARD   Let me check. [on his walkie talkie:] Hey Ed, you see the rich guy coming?

 We hear Ed's voice over the walkie talkie, with an alarm wailing in the background.

ED      [v.o.] I can't quite hear you. Some guy in a ski mask just set off his car alarm trying
        to get in. [calling out] Hey mister, no need to break that window! I got a coat-hanger
        you can use.

 Al and the guard stop listening to the walkie talkie.

NANCY   Look, I got another appointment, so if you're not gonna leave, at least impale yourself
        on your shoehorn.

AL	All right, I said I was going, and I'm going. But lemme tell you something: I'm not 
        gonna just disappear. You'll see me again. Wherever a fat woman shoves her smelly foot 
        in front of some poor guy's face - I'll be there. Wherever someone comes into the store
        and tries to exchange a pair of shoes he's been wearing for three months - I'll be there. 
        Whenever kids come into the store, take off their old shoes and try to sneak out with new
        ones - I'll be there, too. [To Nancy:] Madame, when Shamu needs a mate - you'll be there.

 Al takes a key out of his shirt pocket, places it on the counter and leaves.


SCENE TWO

 Al is sitting at the kitchen table in his pajamas, holding a newspaper and staring blankly into
 space. Behind him, Peggy is putting clothes in the hamper. She notices a large hole in one of
 the socks, and staples it shut. She puts the stapler down and sits next to Al.

PEGGY   Gee Al, it's almost three o'clock in the afternoon. You think you might wanna get 
        dressed?

AL      What for?

PEGGY   Aesthetics. So you look more dignified when you go beg for your job back.

AL      I can't do that. You know what would happen if I went back?

PEGGY   Yeah, I could go back to enjoying my days.

AL      What, do you think I like being here with you? Look, it's not like I haven't checked out
        the want ads. Look at this.

 Al shows Peggy the newspaper.

AL      All these jobs want a college degree, or computer skills, or worse - references. What am
        I supposed to do, stoop as low as this cheap blonde who can't read or write? I dunno,
        maybe I should've gone into my father's line of work.

PEGGY   Al, they have automatic pinsetters now.

AL      Ah, it's probably just as well. I remember many's the night he'd wake up in a cold sweat, 
        yelling: "Wait! Wait!"

 Al gets up and walks over to the couch.

PEGGY   [calling out] Hey kids, your father just moved!

 Al sits down on the couch and turns the TV on. Peggy gets up.

PEGGY   What are you doing?

AL      I'm gonna watch the ball game.

PEGGY   Excuse me! "Spell That Word" is coming on.

 Peggy sits down next to Al.

PEG     And Al, during the day, this remote control is mine.

 Peggy takes the remote control from Al and changes the channel.

TV      Now, for the His & Her car wax - uh-oh, this is a long one - spell 'newspaper'.

 Peggy mouths the correct spelling and looks very pleased with herself. Al gives her a look and
 rolls his eyes.


SCENE THREE

 Al and Peggy are still watching TV. Buck is on the couch too, with his muzzle on Al's lap.

TV      [female voice] Take me, Trevor. Take me! Take me! [male voice] Where?

AL      Who's that?

PEGGY   That's Jay, the one with the haunted past. 

AL      I thought Iris had the haunted past.

PEGGY   That's another show.

TV      [female voice] Ooh, this really is better, Jane. 

AL      Who's that?

PEGGY   Al, that's the lady who sells soap. It's a commercial! I can't stand this anymore. You
        have been home for one day and you are driving me crazy.

AL      What did I do? How am I driving you crazy?

 Peggy sighs.

AL      [points at the TV] Who's that?

 Peggy moans, turns the TV off and starts choking Al.

PEGGY   Go back to work!

 The doorbell rings.

AL      Who's that?

 Peg groans and gets up to open the door. Steve and Marcy are standing outside. Marcy is holding
 two food pans.

STEVE   Hello hello!
MARCY   Hi!

MARCY   We brought you some leftovers. [shows Al the pans] Vegeterian fahitas and tofu
        croquettes.

 Al makes a face. Marcy takes the pans to the kitchen. Steve sits down next to Al.

STEVE   Now don't get the wrong idea, Al, we are not doing this because you are out of work. 
        It's just a coincidence we happened to make too much. You'd really be doing us a favor 
        to take it off our hands. [short pause] Ah, who are we kidding. It's charity.

 Steve laughs and puts his arm around Al's shoulder.

STEVE   So, how are you doing, buddy? Enjoying your first day out of work? Ooh, ooh, nice 
        pajamas. Unemployment's really agreeing with you, big guy.

AL      Well, it all comes down to priorities. What's more important: pride or money?

STEVE   Money, Al. I love it. I love to look at it, and be around it, and count it. That's why I
        went to the bank biz, but that's me, and you're out of work. [chuckles] But hang in
        there, there's plenty of work for a man with your qualifications. Did you ever try to
        shoe a horse, Al? You know, you are tall enough to be Goofy at Disney World... Of course,
        you'd have to relocate, but they have real nice trailer parks down there.

AL	You're enjoying yourself, aren't you, Steve?

STEVE   Remember what you did to my dog, Al?

AL      Yes I do.

STEVE   To continue then...

 Al gets up and walks over to the kitchen. Steve follows him.

STEVE   You could get yourself some flowers and sell them at the expressway offramp.

MARCY   Now, Steve...

STEVE   Oh, can't I do one more?

MARCY   Well... okay.

 Marcy sits down next to Peggy at the kitchen table.

STEVE   You could sell your blood, Al. They give you juice and cookies afterwards.

PEGGY   Gee, Al, if you could manage to stagger home without spilling the juice, that would be
        dinner for the family.

 Marcy gets up.

MARCY   Personally, Al, I admire your conviction. Throughout history, many men considered great
        in retrospect had to stand alone for their beliefs. [to Steve] Although I think Al is 
        the first shoe salesman.

 Marcy laughs. Al walks over to the couch with his beer can and sits down. Kelly comes in with a
 friend named Donna.

KELLY   We're gonna go upstairs and listen to some records.

DONNA   [to Kelly] Who's the guy in the pajamas? Is that your dad?

KELLY	Are you kidding? No. No, my father's in prison. That's - that's just my mom's boyfriend.

DONNA   Oh, cool.

 Kelly and Donna go upstairs.

AL      [to Peggy] Do they have to be here?

PEGGY   Yes, Al. Until the State takes them away from us.

 Peggy sits down on the couch next to Al. Bud comes in with a friend named Teddy.

BUD     Hey dad, this is Teddy. His dad's been unemployed for seven years, so he's gonna drop by
        tomorrow and teach you how to play a game called 'Three Card Monty'.

 Teddy holds up a wad of bills.

TEDDY   Yeah, really gets us through some hard times. And doesn't interfere with welfare.

 Bud pats Al's shoulder. He and Teddy go upstairs.

PEGGY   [calling out] Oh, kids! Juice and cookies for supper tomorrow.

AL      I'm sorry, Peg, but after sixteen years of marriage, I have no blood left to give. I 
        have no choice, I'm going back to work.

PEGGY   Oh, that's wonderful, Al. I'll tell you what: I'll bring the kids down tomorrow and you
        can buy us lunch. I just love you so much more when you're not at home.

 Peggy pats Al's knee.


SCENE THREE

 Al is organizing the shoe display at the store. Happy and Bart are watching him.

HAPPY   Poor Al, he really thought he was somebody.

BART    We knew he wasn't. Gee, uh, I guess we should've told him.

HAPPY   You think we should tell him now?

BART    Yeah.

 Bart and Happy walk over to Al. Meanwhile, the mall guard enters the store. Bart pats Al's
 shoulder.

BART    Al, you're not somebody. But then, neither are we. Sure, we made fun of you, but deep
        down we were really hoping the rich guy'd show. All of us mall guys feel that way.

GUARD   [on his walkie talkie] You were right, Ed. He came crawling back after one day.

 Ed laughs on the walkie talkie.

ED      [v.o.] Yeah. Hey, I guess they ran out of bags at the jewelry store. These two guys are
        carrying the stuff out loose. [calling out] Hey, slow down, boys, it's too hot to be
        running in this heat!

 Peggy, Bud and Kelly enter the store. Kelly pick up a shoe from the display and admires it.

KELLY   God, this is ugly.

BUD     That's your reflection, Kel.

 Peggy walks over to Al.

PEGGY   Hi honey. I was gonna bring you a sandwich, you know, to save some money. But then I
        figured: why bother? Let's go eat.

 Nancy and two other large women enter the store.

NANCY   Well, well, well. Prince of the penny loafers. King of the canvas-back hightops. [to one
        of the other women:] He's back. [to Al:] You're back. Well, where's your pride now,
        shoeman?

PEGGY   Hey Al, isn't she the one that got wedged in the escalator?

 Al laughs.

NANCY   You must be the wife.

PEGGY   And you must be why they're starving in China.

 Al pulls Peggy away from Nancy, laughing. A suited man pretending to be Gary enters the store.

NICK    [to Nancy] Is Al Bundy around?

NANCY   [awestricken] Over there. [points]

AL      Ah, another spectator. Go ahead, take your shot.

NICK    I'm not sure what you're talking about. I just wanna meet Al Bundy and shake his hand.

PEGGY   Just who are you?

NICK    Gary. Gary Patterson. You know, I - I own this place.

AL      [in amazement] You're Ga - you're Gary? Our Gary from "Gary's Shoes & Accessories For
        Today's Woman"? I'm Al Bundy!

 Al shakes Nick's hand.

NICK    You know something, I got your letter and it really affected me. After years of sleeping
        with beautiful women and living life just for fun -

 Nick faces Nancy, who smiles sweetly and runs her hand through her hair. Nick turns away from
 her.

NICK    I, uh, I thought I would come back to the trenches, say 'thanks', and then get back to
        the beach.

PEGGY   [to Nick] You know, I know a great beach over at my house.

AL      Uh, Gare, as you might've guessed, this is the wife.

 Peggy holds up her hand and Nick kisses it. Peggy giggles and holds up her other hand for him 
 to kiss.

AL      Hit the showers, Peg.

 Peggy walks away. Nick puts his arm aroud Al's shoulder.

NICK    Al, I want you to know I appreciate what you're doing here. One day, I would like to 
        have you on my yacht. Of course I won't, but I want you to know that the next beautiful
        woman I bed down is dedicated to you.

AL      Could you make it a blonde?

NICK    They make life worth living, don't they?

 Al and Nick laugh, then Al looks at Peggy and stops laughing.

AL      I wouldn't know.

NICK    Hey, how about showing me around?

AL      Sure!

 Al leads Nick to the shoe display by the entrance.

AL      Well, yeah, over here we have some shoes, and, uh, yeah, over here's more shoes [points
        to another shoe display], and...

 Al looks at Nancy, who again smiles broadly and runs her hand through her hair.

AL      Here's an old bag...

 Nancy looks irritated. Al leads Nick towards the stock room.

AL      And back here in the stock room is where we keep the rest of the shoes.

 Al and Nick disappear into the stock room.

BART    [to Happy] Gee, he did it. He actually got the owner here.

 Peg puts her arms around Bud and Kelly's shoulders.

PEGGY   You should be proud, kids. There's a very special man in there, and he's talking to your
        father. You see, daddy really does count.

 The picture changes to inside the stock room, where Al is putting bills in Nick's hand.

AL      [counting the bills as he hands them to Nick] 23, 24, 25.

NICK    Now the deal was for fifty, Al.

AL      Yeah. And worth every penny. They really thought you were Gary, Nick.

NICK    Hey, I've got alimony. I'll do anything for money.

 Al hands Nick some more bills.

AL      26, 27... Excuse me one minute.

 Al comes out of the stock room and sticks out his thumb. Everybody in the store but Nancy gives
 him a 'thumbs up'. The frame freezes on Al with his thumb up, smiling.


 THE END