Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy

Guest Cast:

Gunther Jensen..........Dweeb
Noah Blake..............Sean
Liane Curtis............Debbie



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peggy is cleaning while loud rock music blasts in background. The doorbell rings. 

PEGGY    One minute! 

She goes over to the steps and yells to Kelly. 

PEGGY    Will you please turn it down? 

The volume barely decreases, if at all. 

PEGGY    [sarcastically] Thanks. 

She goes over to the door, and lets in Steve and Marcy. 

PEGGY    [to Kelly] Turn it off!!! 

The music stops, and Peggy sighs as she closes the door. 

PEGGY    [to the Rhoades] I'm sorry. You have no idea what it's like having music blaring all day
         long. 

STEVE    Yes we do, that's why we came over. 

PEGGY    I'm sorry. It's just that the kids were home sick from school today. 

MARCY    Oh nothing serious, I hope? 

PEGGY    Ah, no. Just one of those bugs that goes around. You know where they're sick for two
         hours and then they make you sick for the rest of your life? Coffee? 

STEVE    No.
MARCY    No. 

MARCY    Steve and I can't wait until we have kids. Giving birth to a child must be one of the
         most beautiful experiences in God's universe. 

PEGGY    I wouldn't know. I was unconscious for a week. I kinda miss that. 

BUD      [from upstairs] Mom! Kelly tied my face to the speaker! 

The music starts blaring again, as Peggy puts her hand to her forehead. 

PEGGY    Excuse me. 

She heads upstairs. 

MARCY    [to Steve] The mistakes she's making! Maybe we should loan her some of our child-rearing
         books. 

STEVE    I don't know, Marcy. I don't think Al and Peggy read much. 

He is trying to talk over the speaker, but the music cuts off as he says his last line. 

MARCY    I wish we could spend more time with Bud and Kelly. I just know we'd have a positive,
         creative influence on them. 

PEGGY    [from upstairs] And if I hear another peep out of you two, I'm gonna tie your throats
         together. 

STEVE    Well, that's pretty creative. 

Peggy comes back downstairs. 

PEGGY    I'm sorry you had to be here for this. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Kids
         aren't so bad. I remember one Mothers' Day, they surprised me with the sweetest-- oh no,
         that wasn't them, I saw that on TV. 

MARCY    Peggy, it sounds like you need to get away. 

PEGGY    I thought about that, but Al and the kids would just hunt me down and drag me back. 

MARCY    No. I meant a vacation. Hire a babysitter and take off for the weekend. 

PEGGY    We used to have babysitters, but word of mouth kills you. 

STEVE    What about your relatives? 

PEGGY    Again, it's that word of mouth thing. 

MARCY    Well, if you really want to get out of town, we wouldn't mind taking the kids for the
         weekend. Would we, Steve? 

STEVE    Well, I... The ones upstairs? 

MARCY    It'd be fun, it'd be good practice. [turning to Steve] For when we have children. 

PEGGY    You wouldn't mind? 

Marcy turns to Steve, who grimaces. 

MARCY    Course not! 

Al walks in the door and Peggy goes over to him. 

PEGGY    Oh, hi honey! Look, Steve and Marcy are here. 

AL       Yeah I know I've been circling the block waiting for them to leave. I finally ran out of 
         gas. 

PEGGY    Well, they've agreed to take the kids for the weekend. 

AL       Great! 

PEGGY    Yeah, so you and me can go away by ourselves. 

AL       You mean we'd have to leave? Gee, it sounded good for a second. 

Peggy follows him over to the couch. 

PEGGY    C'mon Al, we never get to go anywhere. 

AL       Honey, if I wanted to go away, even with you, it wouldn't be this weekend. The fight's
         on Saturday! 

PEGGY    Oh, Al, you always watch sports. Well not this weekend! We're going away. 

AL       I'm watching the fight. 

PEGGY    You're not watching the fight! 

AL       I'm watching the fight! 

STEVE    You're not watching the fight, Al. 

AL       Oh, really, dear? 

STEVE    It's not being carried on network TV, only on cable. 

PEGGY    Ha, and we don't have cable. C'mon, Marcy, let's get the phonebook and pick a nice,
         cheap little lovenest. 

Peggy and Marcy go into the kitchen while Steve joins Al on the couch. 

AL       This was your idea. 

STEVE    No. 

AL       I can't believe it. The entire weekend I have to spend alone with my wife. Steve, you
         are the BIGGEST-- By the way, do you have cable? 

STEVE    No. 

AL       -- The biggest idiot I ever met! You got me into this. The entire weekend, alone with my
         wife. 

STEVE    Al, why don't you just go. Relax, enjoy yourself. 

AL       Steve, look out in the kitchen there, ya see that redhead? 

Peggy is smoking a cigarette as she looks gleefully through the phonebook. 

AL       Try to picture her in heat. 

STEVE    I'm sorry, Al. 

AL       Yeah. That and a dime'll get you a cup of coffee. 

STEVE    Where, Al? 

AL       Shut up. I've gotta think, I've gotta find a place where I can watch the fight so I can
         get out of this. 

STEVE    Al, I've got the answer to all your problems. Well, not all your problems, but this
         problem. The fight is being carried on SpectraVision, and I know whose got it. This
         little place across the state line in Wisconsin, the Come-N-Go Motel. 

AL       How would you know about a place like that? 

STEVE    [smirking] I've come and gone a few times. 

AL       With Marcy? 

STEVE    No, actually before Marcy. 

AL       You dog, you. 

STEVE    Don't say anything to Marcy. I wouldn't want her to find out about some of the wild oats 
         I sewed. So this is just us, okay? 

AL       Sure. [to Peggy] Hey, Peg! Steve just recommended this place, the Come-and-Go Motel. He
         says, he says it's a real passion pit. 

Peggy looks excited. Marcy definitely does not. 

MARCY    I don't remember us going there, Steve. 

Steve stands up. 

STEVE    Marcy! I can't believe you forgot that night. 

MARCY    I don't know where my mind is. I'm sorry, Steve. 

STEVE    I should hope so. But I forgive you. 

He sighs, sitting back down. 

MARCY    [to Peggy] You're really gonna love this place, Peggy. 

PEGGY    Oh gee, it sounds great. I'm gonna make the reservation right now. 

We return to Al and Steve on the couch. 

AL       That was beautiful, Steve. 

STEVE    Thanks. Thanks for selling me out, also. 

AL       No problem. Now listen, this is gonna work out great for me except for one thing. She's
         gonna want some sex. Now, do I watch the fight first, then give her a jump? No, that's
         not good cause with that on my mind I'll be all anxious and tense and I won't enjoy the
         fight. No. The best thing to do would be to bed her down first. That way, I'll enjoy the 
         rest of the day. 

He thinks outloud. 

AL       Now, let's see. Uh.. the fight comes on at five oclock, figure half hour for the drive,
         uh, check in ten minutes, another five minutes go to the bathroom, aaand I pleasure Peg.
         That should give me enough time to shower, eat, and get ready to have a good time. 

PEGGY    [calling from the kitchen] I love you, Al. 

AL       Right back at ya. 


SCENE TWO 

We zoom in to the Rhoades house on Steve reading a book entitled "Kids: You're Bigger Than They
Are." Marcy walks into the room carrying a pile of board games. 

MARCY    I'm really looking forward to this. I think we'll learn a lot about raising children,
         and they'll learn a lot about being themselves, and if we run into any problems, [she
         pats the book] we'll get the answer. 

STEVE    Well, one thing's for sure. It'll be a nice change for the kids. 

From outside, Al yells. 

AL       [o.s.] Hey there! You have no vote! You're staying with them! 

KELLY    [o.s.] Dad, they're gross! 

AL       Not my fault they moved in next door. 

PEGGY    Shut up, Al, they have their uses. 

The doorbell rings, and when Marcy answers it the Bundys stand outside as if nothing had happened. 

PEGGY    This is very nice of you two. 

MARCY    Well, it's our pleasure. 

The kids run into the house, as does Buck, who jumps up onto Steve's lap. 

STEVE    [sarcastically] The dog too! Better and better. 

Peggy hands Marcy a peice of paper. 

PEGGY    Now Marcy, here's a list of dos and don'ts, and a very special don't: no parties. 

KELLY    Mommmm! 

PEGGY    Especially Kelly, it's a promise we made the police. 

AL       C'mon, Peg, we shoulda left two minutes ago! 

PEGGY    Oooh, you're anxious. 

AL       More than you can imagine. 

MARCY    Well, kids, I think your kids are really gonna miss you. 

She closes the door, and outside we hear the car pull off. 

PEGGY    Al! Wait for me! 

The car stops while the door opens and slams shut, and then speeds away. 

MARCY    Now, Bud, Kelly, don't think of us as babysitters, think of us as best friends. Steve,
         would you like to tell our best friends what we have for them? 

STEVE    Not really, Marcy. 

MARCY    Then I will. We have... art projects, and a game recommended by Psychology Today, it's a 
         game of roleplaying... 

KELLY    I'm gonna make a call. 

BUD      I'm gonna use your bathroom. 

Buck crawls over Steve's lap again. 

STEVE    We're having some fun now, huh Marce? 

MARCY    I hope you're not gonna be this way with our children. 

STEVE    I'm hoping our children will like us. 

MARCY    These children like us! 

We hear Kelly on the phone. 

KELLY    Nah, I'm at these dorks' house. Yeah, give everyone this number. They can call as late 
         as they want to. It's like death here. 

MARCY    All in all, I think it's gonna turn out just fine. 

Bud comes running down the stairs, holding a bra. 

BUD      Hey Kelly, look! Even Mrs. Rhoades has a bigger bra size than you! 


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

We open up to the motel room as Al hurries in, accompanied by Peggy. 

PEGGY    Ah, gee, the room is beautiful! 

AL       Get in the bed, Peg. 

PEGGY    Al! 

AL       Peg, it's almost five oclock, I can't believe the traffic. Why does everybody always
         stop and watch somebody change a tire? When I wait in traffic that long, the least they
         can show me is some mangled bodies! 

He pushes Peggy down to the bed. 

AL       Get in the bed. 

PEGGY    Take it easy, honey, we have all night! 

AL       But I love ya, Peg, and time's a-wasting. Let's go. I'm gonna turn on the TV. 

He turns on the television. 

AL       Ah, SpectraVision. 

He pulls off his shirt. 

AL       Alright I'm ready, let's go. 

PEGGY    W-w-w-wait, we promised the kids we'd call them when we got here. 

She goes to the phone. 

AL       I dunno, the mood is fading. 

PEGGY    Yeah, I've been there before. 

She puts down the phone. 

PEGGY    I'm ready! 

She is got with a hug from Al. 

AL       Huh, ya know this is nice, Peggy. We don't have to rush because we're worried the
         kids'll be coming in. 

TV       Ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise for our national anthem. 

Al brings Peggy down to the bed in a hurry. 


SCENE TWO 

We fade back in to the Rhoades' house, where Steve and Marcy sit before a Trivial Pursuit game. 

STEVE    [reading the question] I'm the father of French impressionism. Who am I? 

Marcy raises her hand eagerly. 

STEVE    Now, Marcy, let's give the kids a chance. 

She looks over and Kelly is on the phone again. Bud is nowhere to be found. 

STEVE    Marcy? 

MARCY    Edward Manet. 

STEVE    Right. [To the kids] Marcy and I have two hundred points each, and you have none. Ha ha,
         this sucks, Marcy. 

MARCY    Oh very good, Steve. Did it ever occur to you that your setting the tone for the entire
         day. If you're negative, they'll be negative. 

STEVE    If I leave will they leave? 

MARCY    You, my friend, are losing fatherhood points. Besides, they're not bothering anybody. 

Bud chases Buck down the stairs, throwing a fur. 

BUD      C'mon, Buck, time to play Fox Hunt! 

MARCY    That's my fur! That's my fur! 

She chases after the dog. 

STEVE    Your engagement present? Bud! Get out here! 

Marcy comes back into the room. 

MARCY    Now Steve, let me handle this. You're just upset because you paid for it. 

Bud comes into the room. 

MARCY    Now, Bud, you know what you did was wrong, don't you? 

BUD      Yes, ma'am. 

MARCY    Good, that'll be all. 

STEVE    That'll be all? No. Just wait until I get this belt off-- that'll be all. 

MARCY    Steve! [to Bud] We're sorry. 

STEVE    You bet we're sorry. Sorry we ever moved next door to the devil's spawning ground. 

BUD      Can I go play now? 

MARCY    Yes, dear. 

Bud swings a pearl neckless and calls to his dog. 

BUD      C'mon, Buck, time to for pearl diving. 

MARCY    Pearl diving? 

She chases upstairs after him. Steve walks over to Kelly. 

KELLY    Bye, Mr. Rhoades. 

STEVE    Woah, where are you going? 

KELLY    Out. Where there's life. 

STEVE    No you're not. Your mother said that if you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick
         to go out. 

KELLY    Well, howabout if I have a party over here? 

STEVE    No parties. 

Marcy runs back down holding a jewlry case. 

MARCY    I think I saved most of our valuable stuff, Steve. And the rest I'm sure will dry. 

KELLY    Umm, Mrs. Rhoades? Mr. Rhoades said that if it's okay with you, that I can have a party. 

Marcy runs angrily over to Steve. 

MARCY    Oh nice, Steve. Make me the bad guy. You heard Peggy say no parties. You have me deeply
         concerned, Steven. 

KELLY    Well if I can't have a party, can I at least have a couple of friends over? 

MARCY    Sure, I don't see the harm in that. Do you, Steve? 

STEVE    Yes I do. 

MARCY    Sure, go ahead and call them. 

The doorbell rings. 

KELLY    I already did. Listen, I really like one of these guys, he's really nice, but don't make
         any sudden moves. 

STEVE    I guess I can dial 911 slowly. 

She opens the door and greets her friends. 

KELLY    This is Sean, Debbie, and Dweeb. Dweeb just got out! 

DWEEB    Human life means nothing to me. 

Steve drops the cards he is carrying and turns to his wife. 

STEVE    Marcy! 

MARCY    It's nice to meet you. Just let me spread out some paper and we can all sit down. 

SEAN     Hey, we was playing Eyesies-Closies driving in... 

He pulls out part of their mailbox. 

SEAN     I think you need a new mailbox. 

STEVE    Uh, Marcy, I think we're low on milk. I'm just gonna run over to Wisconsin and pick some 
         up. 

He heads to the door. 

MARCY    Freeze! 

Dweeb instinctively puts his hands against the wall. 


SCENE THREE 

At the motel room, Al is watching the end of the fight, a beer in hand. 

AL       C'mon Romarez, hook him! Low! High! Cross! Ya got him! Ya got him! ...Get up! C'mon, get
         up! He's up! 

TV       Romarez never should've got up. 8... 9... 10... It's over. Wow, what a fight! 

Al turns off the TV as Peggy walks in, holding a shopping bag and singing. 

PEGGY    [singing] Ten cents a dance... That's what they pay me... Hi, Al. [kisses him on the
         cheek] I found a lot of nice things today. Ya know, I know we have K-Marts at home, but
         there is something so special about going out of town to shop at one. 

She sits down on the bed with Al. 

PEGGY    This is great, honey. 

AL       Yeah. 

PEGGY    I think the national anthem should be our song from now on. When they hit "the rockets'
         red glare," you were an animal, Al. 

AL       [chuckling] I love this country, Peg. Ya know it's so nice being here alone, just the
         two of us. 

PEGGY    I know. But ya know something, Al, I never thought I'd say this this soon, but I miss
         the kids. 

AL       What kids? 

PEGGY    Ours, the boy and the girl, remember? Listen, we've had a great time, but we don't need
         to stay the night. Why don't I call Steve and Marcy and tell them we're coming home
         early. Unless you wanna do it again? 

Al looks furious. 

PEGGY    Sorry. 


SCENE FOUR

Back at the Rhoades' house, Dweeb is showing off his ring to Steve. 

STEVE    Well, Dweeb, sure it's a nice ring, but I think that's why they lock cemetaries at
         night. 

He glares at Marcy. 

MARCY    Shall we change the subject? Debbie... 

Debbie is pulling gum out of her mouth. 

MARCY    Sean. 

Sean looks over; Kelly is in his lap. 

MARCY    Where are you planning to attend college?

SEAN     Oh, well I was planning on getting a government job, ya know, so I could sell secrets. 

KELLY    I love you, Sean. 

SEAN     Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

DEBBIE   So what's the plan, are we supposed to just wait here for these two to doze off or
         something? 

She gestures at Steve and Marcy. The phone rings. 

STEVE    I'll get it!
MARCY    I'll get it! 

They both rush to the phone, Steve gets there first and answers. 

STEVE    Hello? Peggy! Hi! Yeah, we're still here. How're you doing? You are? That's great! 

MARCY    What? 

STEVE    [covering the phone] They're coming home! 

MARCY    Oh thank goodness, thank goodness, thank goodness! 

STEVE    [on the phone again] Uh, you'll be home in an hour? Hold on, one second. 

He puts down the phone and he and Marcy do a little dance. 

STEVE    I'm back! Nooo, no, it's been our pleasure, they've been little angels. 

Dweeb crushes a soda can on his head and begins making out with Debbie. 

STEVE    No problems at all! Don't rush. 

He sets down the phone and grabs a chip. 

STEVE    Yeah!! 

Marcy looks worried. 

MARCY    Don't rush, Steve? Look at them. (She gestures to Kelly's friends) It'll be dark in an
         hour. 

STEVE    Doesn't matter. They're coming home, and they're gonna take these little heathens away! 

They sit down on the steps. 

MARCY    I can't believe you told Peggy "no problem". What do you think's gonna happen the next
         time they wanna go out of town? They'll expect us to take the kids again. Because we did
         such a good job. Next time it might be for a week. A month. And then one day, they won't
         come back at all. 

STEVE    We'll just say no. 

MARCY    And then we'll be the bad guys! The bad neighbors! No. They have to see that we're not
         fit to care for the little demons. 

KELLY    We're bored. Why can't we have a party? 

STEVE    Because your mother specifically said no parties. 

MARCY    That's right, she did. And if we were good babysitters, the kind people would use again, 
         we'd have to say no. (To Kelly) Yes, of course you can have a party! Can you get one
         together in less than an hour? 

KELLY    Sure! 

STEVE    Uh, Marcy, tell me this is your plan: you're gonna get them all together and blow them
         up, right? 

MARCY    No, this is better Steve, just as the party's starting, Al and Peggy will be here, and
         they'll see this wild party starting Dweep, and they'll know we're unfit! And they'll
         never ask us to look after their precious offspring again. 

Kelly is on the phone, and calls over to Dweep and Debbie. 

KELLY    Good news! Raymond and the Bloody Ten are coming! 

DWEEB    [to the Rhoades] Gee, they're tough! 

STEVE    All right!!!
MARCY    All right!!! 


SCENE FIVE

At the motel room, Peggy has finished packing. 

AL       Get everything? 

PEGGY    I think so. 

AL       You take the towels? 

PEGGY    Of course. 

AL       The hotel pads and pens? 

PEGGY    Yeah, and the soap. 

AL       Good. The ashtrays? 

PEGGY    Yeah, I think we got everything. 

AL       Okay, well before you close the suitcase, you wanna grab the Yellow Pages. 

PEGGY    Al, it's Wisconsin. 

AL       Hey, ya roll them up, they make a great log. 

Peggy grabs the phone book. 

PEGGY    Aw, gee, we had a great time, honey. 

AL       Yeah. 

PEGGY    You know, this is the first time we've been in a motel room since our honeymoon. 

AL       Heh, yep. We still have those towels. 

PEGGY    Sixteen years... And you haven't changed a bit. You know you look exactly the same as
         you did the day we were married. 

AL       Yeah, I know. 

PEGGY    Aren't you going to say the same about me? 

AL       Well, honey, I bowl; you don't do anything. 

Peggy looks dejected. 

AL       Oh hey, Peg, you look great! Much too good for an old guy like me. 

PEGGY    Ohhh, "old guy"? Come on, Al. You're in great shape. I bet you coulda handled either one
         of those bums that fought today. 

AL       Hey ya know what? I think you're right. 

He shows off his boxing moves. 

AL       You know I got a pretty good left jab -- for a shoe salesman. I tell ya what I woulda
         done with that Gonzlez. I'da waited till he dropped his hands. See, he always does that
         when he doubles up with a hook. Then, I'd've stepped inside, hook to the head, uppercut!
         Uppercut! Uppercut! If that don't work, I'd take the legs out! 

He pulls Peggy down to the bed with him. We are focussed on the picture above the bed, and only 
hear the following.

PEGGY    Maybe we should call Steve and Marcy and tell them that we're not coming home tonight. 

AL       Why bother? They said it's no trouble! 

PEGGY    Oh Al! 

View from the outside of the hotel.

PEGGY    [singing] And the rockets' red glare... 


SCENE SIX 

At the Rhoades house, a rambunctious party has broken out, with Kelly's friends dancing to loud
Beastie Boys music, Debbie & Dweeb making out, and a roller-skating Bud taking pictures. 
Steve and Marcy stare out the window, longingly. 

MARCY    This'll show them. Any minute now they'll be pulling into their driveway. 

A crash is heard. Bud has broken a vase. 

STEVE    You know, dear, they really are wrecking our home. 

MARCY    I know. But Peggy and Al will be home any minute. I can't wait to see their faces. 

STEVE    Yep. Aaaaany minute. 

They return to gazing out the window as the episode ends. 


THE END