Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Mr. Pond...................Ernie Sabella
Mr. Hugo...................Irwin Keyes
Woman #1...................Jeryl Jagoda
Woman #2...................Regina Leeds



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Peggy is in the living room, humming as she collects garbage and tosses it into a large black
 garbage bag. The doorbell rings. Peggy opens the door to Marcy, who is also holding a black
 garbage bag.

PEGGY    Hi, Marce. Thanks.

 Peggy takes the garbage bag from Marcy. Marcy comes in and closes the door behind her.

MARCY    So I'm not crazy? You did just call and say, "please bring over your garbage"?

 Peggy puts Marcy's bag inside her bag.

PEGGY    Yeah. This'll save me a lot of work. This garbage I'm making doesn't smell.

 Peggy sniffs the bag.

PEGGY    Yours doesn't either.

MARCY    Of course not! We're vegeterian.

PEGGY    Well, that's okay. I'll just add a pair of Al's socks.

 Peggy takes a pair of socks out of the laundry bag (which is also sitting on the coffee table)
 and puts them in the garbage bag.

MARCY    Peggy, what are you doing?

PEGGY    I'm getting myself a VCR.

MARCY    [looking confused] I see...

 Peggy takes the laundry bag to the kitchen table.

PEGGY    No you don't. You're not a housewife. You have your own money. I have to use strategy.
         You see, when you first get married, you can withhold sex. But then they get to like
         that... So you have to put a little spin on the ball.

 Marcy nods, still looking a trifle baffled.

PEGGY    You see, I have to pretend to clean to remind Al how hard my work is. He'll come in that
         door any minute, sit down in the couch [sits down herself], put one hand down his pants
         [mimes Al putting his hand down his pants] and the other hand here -

 Peggy puts her other hand down on a newspaper ad that's been tucked between two cushions.

PEGGY    - on this VCR ad.

 Marcy sits down next to Peggy.

MARCY    Excuse me, Peggy, but why don't you just say, "Honey, I want a VCR"?

 

PEGGY    'Cause Al works very hard for his money, and he deserves me to work equally as hard to
         get him to spend it on me. To continue: he'll say, "Why do we need a VCR? Because you
         wanna watch Phil and tape Oprah?". Ha! I mean, everyone knows that you watch Oprah and
         tape Phil. [chuckles] Men. God love 'em. They're just children with paycheques. So I'll
         grovel for a while, and I'll get my VCR.

MARCY    But don't you find this demeaning?

PEGGY    Just the part where I have to explain it to you.

 Peggy tucks the ad back between the cushions. We hear a car door slam. 

PEGGY    Ooh, there's his car.

 Peggy and Marcy get up.

MARCY    I - I better get going.

PEGGY    Oh, no, stick around. You might lose your job someday and have to be a woman. 

 Peggy chuckles. She holds a banana peel above the garbage bag and waits for Al to come in. As
 soon as he does, she drops it into the bag and sighs wearily.

 

PEGGY    Hi, honey. I didn't hear you pull up. How was your day?

AL       I sell shoes, okay? Geez, it stinks in here. Oh well. What's for dinner?

 Al sits down on the couch, puts one hand down his pants and the other hand right on the VCR ad.
 He takes the ad from between the cushions and looks at it.

AL       What's this?

PEGGY    Gee, I don't know. [sits down next to Al] Let's see. [looks at the ad; with pretend
         surprise:] Son of a gun, they're having a sale on VCRs. What are those?

AL       Video something recorders. 

PEGGY    That's a good price, isn't it?

AL       It's not bad.

PEGGY    You know, if we had one of these, you could tape the Cubs game while you were at work.

AL       Come on, you just want one 'cause Phil and Oprah are on at the same time and it's
         killing you.

PEGGY    [begging] Oh please Al, please, can I have one?

AL       Well...

MARCY    [cutting Al off] Oh, stop! Please! I can't stand any more.

PEGGY    [to Marcy] Then maybe you should go home? [resumes her begging] Please, Al?

MARCY    No, Al, Al, this is so simple. Peggy wants a VCR, but she's afraid you'll say "no".

AL       Then she's smarter than you.

MARCY    Peggy, you don't have to stand for this. It is the tragedy of our times that a housewife
         has to beg for what she's entitled to. Just because Peggy Bundy's contribution is in the
         home, doesn't mean it's any less valuable than Al Bundy's in the workplace.

AL       [to Peggy] You can't have a VCR.

 Al gets up and walks to the kitchen. Marcy follows him.

MARCY    What gives you the right to make that decision?

AL       [showing Marcy a cheque] Because the name on this cheque says "Al Bumby". [looks closer
         at the cheque] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash
         it - maybe - because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

 The doorbell rings.

PEGGY    Now I'll get the door, and when I get back, Al, we'll discuss this while I spit-shine
         your shoes.

 Peggy gets up and opens the door. Steve is standing outside.

PEGGY    Oh, hi, Steve.

STEVE    Hi Peggy. [to Marcy] Honey, I just wanted to tell you "This Old House" is coming on.
         Bob's gonna test for a septic tank.

MARCY    Just a second, Steve. I'm settling an arguement here. Al is a cheap, sexist, primitive
         throwback of a human being.

STEVE    So what's the arguement?

MARCY    Peggy, if Al doesn't appreciate your contributions then it's time to take them
         elsewhere. You want a VCR? I have the solution. You're going to get a job.

 Al and Peggy laugh heartily.

AL       She's not getting a job!

 Steve comes in and closes the door behind him.

STEVE    You know, Al, this is probably none of my business but there are advantages to having a
         working wife. For one thing, it gave us enough money to buy the house next to yours. 

 Steve sits on the chair.

STEVE    No, wait, that's a disadvantage. But there are some advantages.

AL       Like what?

PEGGY    You tell him, Al. [pats Al's knee]

STEVE    Well, for one thing, you'll have two paycheques coming in. It sure helps around bill
         time.

AL       I don't care. In the history of the Bundy family, no wife has ever worked outside or
         inside the home. Not about to change.

 Marcy sits in the small couch.

MARCY    Think of Peggy. What do you think, she just wants to sit around all day, just watching
         TV?

 Peggy nods.

MARCY    Women aren't like that anymore. You know, I talked with a customer today, who had a job
         that would be perfect for Peggy. 

 Kelly comes down the stairs.

PEGGY    Oh, gee, guys, I already have a job. [pats Al's knee] My family needs me.

 Peggy gets up and walks over to Kelly, who is getting ready to leave.

PEGGY    Kelly, Honey, you want me to make you some dinner?

KELLY    Oh, no, Mom, I'm going to eat over at Joanie's house. Her mom makes homemade stuff.

 

PEGGY    Oh. Um, be careful. You never know what they put in that.

 Kelly leaves.

PEGGY    [to everyone present] Fifteen is the most crucial age of all. You really have to keep
         after them.

 Bud comes down the stairs.

PEGGY    Oh, and Bud! My baby.

 Peggy chuckles and hugs Bud. 

 

PEGGY    [to everyone else] Excuse me, but I promised Bud I'd help him with his homework.

BUD      It's all done, Mom. Oh, and I wrote that letter for you to get you out of jury duty.

 Bud goes to get his jacket.

PEGGY    Well, you must be tired. Do you want something to eat?

BUD      No thanks. I don't have time to cook right now, Mom.

 Bud leaves. Marcy gets up and walks over to Peggy.

MARCY    Peggy, the kids are obviously old enough to take care of themselves. And Al... Well,
         he'll learn. Just put an 'L' and an 'R' on each of his shoes and he should be fine.

AL       [to Steve] Careful, Steve, someone's gonna steal this one away.

 Steve gets up and walks over to Peggy too.

STEVE    I think we're overlooking the most important thing here, and that is: "What does Peggy
         want?".

MARCY    Yes, what does Peggy want?

PEGGY    I want a VCR.

MARCY    And the only way to get it and feel good about yourself is to get this job. You do want
         to work, don't you?

 

 Peggy looks at Steve and then at Al, who grins widely.

 

MARCY    Well, then it's settled. I'm so excited! Can't wait to go home and call about the job.
         Come on, Steve.

 Marcy and Steve start to leave. At the door, Steve turns around towards Peggy.

STEVE    Welcome to the work force, Peg!

 Steve leaves too. Peggy sits down heavily on the couch's arm and looks on in astonishment.
 Al laughs his guts out behind her.


SCENE TWO

 Bud and Kelly are eating cereal at the kitchen table. Al pours himself some coffee and walks
 over to them.

AL       Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little
         nervous, a little insecure, so when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand
         behind her like a family - and try not to laugh.

 The doorbell rings. Al walks over to the door and opens it. Marcy is standing outside.

MARCY    Hi, Al. Came to pick Peggy up for work.

 Al starts to laugh upon hearing this. Peggy comes down the stairs, all dressed up for work.

PEGGY    Well, how do I look?

 Behind Peggy's back, Al encourages the kids to praise her appearance.

KELLY    You look great.

BUD      Fabulous!

KELLY    Super.

BUD      Fabulous!

KELLY    Groovy.

BUD      Fabulous!

AL       That's enough. 

 Bud and Kelly go back to eating.

AL       All right, Peg, a few words of advice. As soon as you walk out that door you'll feel a
         warm sensation on your head and shoulders. Don't panic; that's just our friend, the sun.

PEGGY    [forcing a smile] And Al, if you should feel a sudden sharp pain where you sit, that's
         just your friend, my foot.

 Marcy walks over to Peggy and leads her towards the door.

MARCY    Come on, Peggy. You're gonna love this. You're gonna come home tonight with a real sense
         of accomplishment.

PEGGY    Yeah, you're right. I've been cooped up in this house much too long. It's time to say
         "goodbye" and [voice breaking] move on. 

 Peggy walks over to Bud, puts her arm around his neck and hugs him tight.

PEGGY    Goodbye, Bud.

 

BUD      [barely able to breath] Mom, please! You're a strong woman!

 Peggy lets go of Bud and hugs Kelly.

PEGGY    Goodbye, Kelly.

 

KELLY    Mom, my hair.

 Peggy walks past Al without hugging him and stands next to the TV.

PEGGY    Well, Al, I'm off to work.

 Al laughs to himself.

PEGGY    [sourly] Thank you, Al. You have a good day too.

MARCY    Don't worry, Peggy. It'll be fine. It's gonna be a great job, and you'll be surprised at
         just how quickly the day goes by.


SCENE THREE

 We see Peggy standing at the counter of Muldins' clock department, cleaning some clocks and
 humming to herself. She sighs, looks at her watch, picks up a cello-shaped clock and mimes 
 playing it.

 

 A customer, Mr. Hugo, comes into the store and walks over to the counter.

MR.HUGO  Do you have any clocks?

PEGGY    [glaring at him] No.

 Mr. Hugo leaves. Two woman customers approach the counter and look at some clocks while chatting
 with each other. Peggy listens in on their conversation.

WOMAN1   Oprah's doing a whole week on: "Transexuals: Which Bathroom Should They Use?"

 Peggy edges closer to the two women.

WOMAN2   Phil's doing a show on "Male Potency: A Thing Of The Past".

 Peggy is clearly disheatened at not being able to watch this.

WOMAN1   You know, nowadays you really need a VCR. 

WOMAN2   Yeah.

WOMAN1   Let's buy one.

WOMAN2   [excitedly] Let's get two!

 The two women leave. One of Peggy's superiors, Mr. Pond, comes in and walks over to Peggy.

MR.POND  Oh, hello. I'm Mr. Pond. Ernest Pond. I'm one of your superiors. You have many. Now
         let's see: is it Miss Bundy or Mrs.?

PEGGY    Ms.

MR.POND  Ah! Then it's Miss.

PEGGY    It's Mrs. Hey, look, do you have any openings in the TV department?

 

MR.POND	 [laughing] Oh, you just don't start in TV. You rise to it. Besides, we prefer to put men
         in the TV department. We find women tend to waste a lot of time watching Oprah. Or is it
         Phil? I get them confused. Hey, did you love that training film: "Muldins - The First
         100 Years"?

PEGGY    How in the world did you get William Shatner to narrate?

MR.POND  We gave him a VCR. Women love that aerial shot of all the employees spelling out the
         name "Muldins".

 Peggy looks at the top of Mr. Pond's balding head.

PEGGY    Yeah. Wasn't it the top of your head I saw dotting the "i"?

MR.POND  'Twas. [laughs] Now I'll leave you to your happy task, Mrs. Bundy. And don't forget -
          tomorrow is daylight savings time, so you have to reset all the clocks. [cheerfully]
          Have a Muldins day!

 Mr. Pond leaves.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Bud is on the couch watching a fitness show, moving his head in time to the music and smiling
 lustfully. We can hear a female fitness instructor's voice on TV.

INSTR.   [v.o.] And one and two and three and four. On your back and two and three and four.
         Like a dog and two and three and four.

 

 We hear a car pull up outside the house. Bud quickly changes the channel to some cartoon.
 Peggy comes in.

PEGGY    Hi Bud.

BUD      Hi Mom. 

 Bud turns the TV off.

BUD      So how was your first day at work?

PEGGY    Hmph. Much like my first day as a mother. Where is your sister?

BUD      [calling out] Kelly! Mom's home.

 Kelly appears at the top of the stairs.

KELLY    Mom!!

 Kelly runs over to Peggy and hugs her so that Peggy's back is turned to the stairway. A guy 
 comes running down the stairs and stops at the door, unseen by Peggy.

 

KELLY    [to Peggy] Oh, I missed you so much!

 Kelly vigorously encourages the guy to leave. As soon as he does, she lets go of Peggy.

KELLY    Well, I better go. I have someone waiting for me. Can I have five dollars?

 Peggy takes a bill out of her purse and gives it to Kelly.

KELLY    Thanks, Mom.

 Kelly leaves, slipping the bill into Bud's palm as she walks past him. Bud smiles smugly.

PEGGY    [to Bud] Where's your Daddy?

BUD      He went out in the garage.

 Peggy sits down next to Bud.

PEGGY    What did he make you for dinner?

BUD      [with disgust] Marshmellows.

PEGGY    Well, where's the dog?

BUD      He's out barfing marshmellows. Looks like winter out there.

PEGGY    Go clean it up.

BUD      Right, Mom.

 Bud gets up and leaves through the sliding doors. Peggy slumps back in the couch and sighs
 wearily. Al enters from the garage and walks over to Peggy. 

 

AL       You look beat. Fix me some dinner, okay?

PEGGY    Forget it, Al. I'm too tired.

AL       Well, I'm tired too, but I made dinner for the kids...

 Al sits down next to Peggy.

PEGGY    Marshmellows, Al?

AL       Hey, we toasted them, Peg.

PEGGY    I am not cooking dinner, Al. I work now.

AL       And I'm glad that you do, because now that you're bringing in some extra money we can
         get some stuff that we need: new bike for Bud, a tutor for Kelly... and maybe some
         fishing gear for me.

PEGGY    Hey, wait a minute, Al. What about my VCR? This is my money we're talking about now. 

AL       Well, how come when I make it it's our money, but when you make it it's your money?
         Well, we'll leave that to the historians. But, uh, in the meantime, anything you make is
         our money, and we're getting fishing gear.

 

PEGGY    I don't want fishing gear.

AL       Hey, I didn't want new clothes for the kids, but I gave in. And what's good for the
         goose, is good for the gooses's wife. Great to be working, isn't it, Peg?

 The doorbell rings.

PEGGY    Get the door, Al. I work now.

AL       You get the door. I work too!

PEGGY    Well, I got home last.

AL       Well, I work longer!

PEGGY    Then you should be used to it! Now go see who it is.

 Al walks over to the door, peers outside, turns around and heads upstairs.

AL       It's Marcy.

 Al goes upstairs. Peggy gets up angrily and opens the door to Marcy.

MARCY    Hi Peggy. How was your first day at work?

PEGGY    I hate working. That's why I got married! And now I'm not even getting a VCR. Oh, the
         kids are getting what they want, Al's getting what he wants, but me? Hmm! I miss Phil. 
         I miss Oprah. I miss my empty life.

 Marcy and Peggy sit down on the couch.

MARCY    Congratulations, Peggy! You've learned what it is to be a woman of today. The freedom to
         make your own choices. You tried work, you hate it - now you can choose to quit.

PEGGY    No I can't. You see, Al comes home every day, and if I ask him to do something for me -
         or to me - he says he's too tired from work. So if I quit, then he'll know that I know
         that work is hard. And that'll be the end of any fun I'll have in our marriage. 

 Marcy nods understandingly.

PEGGY    No, the only way out is to get Al to make me quit.

MARCY    Then you're gonna keep the job?

PEGGY    [sadly] I have to.

MARCY    Well, I meant what's best for you, Peggy. I think it'll work out fine.

 Marcy pats Peggy's hand, gets up and heads for the door.

PEGGY    And don't think I don't appreciate it, Marcy.

 Peggy waits for Marcy to close the door behind her, then picks up the phone and dials.

PEGGY    [on the phone] Hello, "Pizza Shack"? I'd like fifteen of your "gut bucket" pizzas
         delivered to Marcy Rhoades. [listens] Oh, free garlic bread with every order? [laughs]
         No thanks, we'll pay for it.


SCENE TWO

 Al is in the kitchen, kneeling by the oven. He straightens up and walks over to the kitchen
 window.

AL       [calling out] Okay, kids! Marshmellows are ready.

 Bud comes in through the back door and into the kitchen. Al takes a tray with marshmellows on
 buns out of the oven.

BUD      Marshmellows again??

AL       They're fresh today. We don't have to toast them. [sniffs the marshmellows] And they're
         on a bun.

 Bud and Kelly sit down at the kitchen table and Al puts the tray down in front of them.

BUD      Dad, it's been a week. Why don't you just break down and go to the supermarket and buy
         some actual food? You know, the kind Mom used to defrost?

AL       No. I hate the supermarket. I always wind up in the two-thousand-items-or-less aisle
         behind some ugly lady in a muumuu and curlers. And when everything is totaled up, then
         they go for the chequebook. Like it never occured to them that they have to pay. And
         then they always turn around and ask me: "What's the date?" Like it matters to me! All
         they gotta do is look at the date on their milk and add one! [rubbing his palms
         together] Now come on! Let's have some enthusiasm here. Camp fire burgers for everybody!

 Al puts one marshmellow-bun on each of the kids' plates. 

AL       [calling out] Buck! Dinner! Where is that stupid dog?

 The doorbell rings.

AL       Come in!

 Steve comes in, holding a pizza slice.

STEVE    Al, do you know your dog just jumped the fence into my yard? He's coughing up little
         white puffs.

AL       All right, then there's more for us. Right, kids?

 Bud and Kelly give Al long looks and say nothing. Al puts down his bun and stands up.

AL       All right, go get him back.

BUD      How, Dad?

 Al takes a chocolate bar out of his shirt pocket.

AL       Well, I was saving this chocolate bar for me, but he is the family dog, so... Don't give
         it to him, just draw him with the scent. Go on, it's the only protein in the house.

 Bud and Kelly leave. Bud snatches the pizza slice from Steve's hand on the way out.

 

STEVE    Well, it's all right. I got fifteen more pizzas at home. [shrugs] So Al, how's Peggy's
         new job working out?

AL       Oh, great, Steve. Yeah, she's pulling in a clear 90 bucks a week... 'Course, she's
         spending 400 bucks a week. Yeah, she needed a new smock at Muldins, and of course she
         needed some new clothes, and then, uh, she wanted some new shoes...

STEVE    Well, that's no problem. You sell shoes.

AL       No, she wanted good shoes.

 Steve nods. They sit down on the couch.

AL       Well, so the way I figure it, if she keeps working any longer we'll all be living in the
         gutter. Oh now, actually, I won't be living in the gutter. I'll be in prison for killing
         your wife.

STEVE    Well, before you go down that long, lonesome road, Al, why don't you try this: ask Peggy
         to quit.

AL       No, I can't do that. No, see, the truth is I like having her at home.

STEVE    Well, she'd love to hear that.

AL       Yeah, I'm sure she would, but I'm not gonna tell her. No, 'cause then I'd have nothing
         to complain about, and I love complaining. Nah, if I got her to quit, she'd lord it over
         me for the rest of my life. Yeah, she'd say: "I wanted to work but you want me home, so
         now I'm home, so shut up". And that would be the end of all my fun in the marriage. No,
         I've gotta think of another way.

STEVE    Ah, gee, Al, I don't like to butt into your business...

AL       No, go ahead. Pretend you're your wife.

STEVE    Okay: I think you have to take into consideration what's best for Peggy.

AL       Why would I do that?


SCENE THREE

 The clock department at Muldins.
 We see two cat-shaped clocks on the wall with their eyes moving from side to side with every
 tick, and then the camera crosses over to Peggy, whose eyes are also moving in the same way.


SCENE FOUR

 Peggy is sprawled on the couch, exhausted. Al comes down the stairs.

AL       Oh, hi, Hon. I didn't hear you come in. Gee, you made it all the way to the couch this
         time. How's work? Are you still enjoying it?

 Al massages Peggy's side, with his left hand close to her ear. She hears the ticking from his
 watch and starts to panic.

 

PEGGY    [with horror] What's that noise?

AL       What noise?

PEGGY    I hear ticking!

 Peggy sits up and searches hysterically for the source of the ticking.

PEGGY    [to Al] Oh, it's you!

AL       Me?

 Peggy removes Al's watch from his wrist and tosses it into a glass of water. She takes a pillow
 and hugs it, trembling. Al sits down next to her.

 

AL       I'll tell you an interesting thing about this watch, Peg. You put it in water, you ruin
         it.

 Al takes the watch out of the glass.

AL       Is there anything you wanna tell me, Peg?

PEGGY    No. Anything you wanna tell me?

AL       No.

 Buck comes running down the stairs and goes outside through the sliding doors. 

AL       Oh, the dog has the runs. Are you gonna do any housework tonight, Peg?

PEGGY    I have a job, Al. Unless you want me to quit...

AL       [promptly] No. Unless you wanna quit...

PEGGY    Well, then, I guess we're both kinda happy, huh?

AL       Yep.

 Bud and Kelly come down the stairs.

KELLY    Mom, Dad, there's something we have to talk to you about.

 Bud sits in the armchair, and Kelly sits next to him, on the arm.F

KELLY    We really miss you around the house, Mom.

BUD      Yeah. No offense to you, Dad, but we're starving and we're dirty. I think we need you to
         take care of us, Mom.

 Peggy seems touched by this.

KELLY    I know we're an age where we oughta be able to take care of ourselves, but we can't. We
         want you to quit your job.

AL       What do you say, Peg?

PEGGY    Well, the kids have to come first. [to Bud and Kelly] Okay, I'll quit. But only because
         I love you.

 Al laughs happily and hugs Peggy.

AL       You hear that, kids? Your mother is quite a lady. [to Peggy] Now, Peg, are you gonna go
         shopping tomorrow and get some groceries?

PEGGY    If I have time.

AL       What do you mean, if you have time? You don't do anything else...

PEGGY    Okay, Al, I'll go shopping. But if I do, I'll miss Phil, and I'll miss Oprah... and the
         Cubs game. But that's all right, Al. You'll get me a VCR when you're ready. [short
         pause; starts begging] Are you ready Al? Please, please, please, please.

 

AL       Well, since you put it like that... Sure, why not!

 Al hugs Peggy and she laughs happily. 

AL       Hey, we can go to Muldins. We can still use your employee discount.

 Al leads Peggy to the door.

PEGGY    Oh, I don't think so, Al. I think they're kinda mad at me. I kinda damaged some
         merchandise.

 Peggy takes a broken cat-shaped clock out of a bag and holds it up.

 

AL       Well, that'll be a nice gift for Steve and Marcy!

PEGGY    Oh, yeah!

 Peggy puts the clock down. She and Al get their coats and leave.

KELLY    Well, we did it.

BUD      Yep. Does Mom know Dad payed us?

KELLY    No.

BUD      Dad know Mom payed us?

KELLY    No.

BUD      Does Mom know about your phony ID?

KELLY    Nope.

 Bud smiles smugly and holds out his hand. Kelly takes some bills out of her pocket and puts them
 in his palm, looking unhappy. Bud sits back, looking pleased with himself.

 


THE END