Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Terry Cherry...............Jerry Hall
Sherry Cherry..............Pamela Bowman
Luke Ventura...............Ritch Shydner
Delilah....................Estelle Harris



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Peggy is making scrambled eggs in the kitchen.

 

 She puts some on a plate, walks over to the
 kitchen table and puts the plate down in front of Bud, who is sitting there. As soon as she has
 her back turned on him he holds the plate in front of Buck, who is on the floor beside him, and
 Buck licks it clean. Peggy walks over to the stairway and calls out to Kelly.

PEGGY   [calling out] Kelly, breakfast! And be quiet, Honey, don't wake your father!

 Peggy walks back to the kitchen and notices Bud's empty plate.

PEGGY   [marveling] Oh, Bud, you eat so fast!

BUD     That's 'cause you cook so good.

 Bud smiles at Peggy. Kelly comes rushing down the stairs.

KELLY   Bye, Mom!

PEGGY   Not so fast. You're not going anywhere without a good, healthy breakfast.

KELLY   Mother, I'm 15. I'm old enough to know how to use a vending machine.

PEGGY   [firmly] Get over here and eat.

 Kelly sighs unhappily.

KELLY   God, I hate to eat sitting down.

 Kelly walks over to the kitchen table and sits down.

BUD     I think she should clean her plate like I did, Mom.

KELLY   Sure, Mom.

 Kelly waits until Peggy has her back turned on her and then has Buck eat some of her scrambled
 eggs. 

KELLY   I'm stuffed. [gets up] They're waiting for me at the mall.

PEGGY   What do you do at the mall, anyway?

KELLY   Hmm... Nothing.

 

BUD     You know what they do? Sometimes they look in the shoe store and... [gravely] laugh at
        Daddy.

KELLY   [defensively] Well, all the kids do... It's not like they know he's my father. [to Bud,
        threateningly] And they never will, if you want to live to hang your next rat.

PEGGY   [bringing a plate of bacon and a plate of scrambled eggs to the table] I'd ground both of 
        you, but that would mean you'd be here all day. So your punishment is you're grounded
        tomorrow when your father's home and I'm out shopping.

 Peggy sits down.

BUD     [miserably] Can I go now?

PEGGY   Please.

BUD     Where's my Miniature Golf coupon?

PEGGY   It's in the drawer. [points]

 Bud goes to the counter to get the coupon. He finds an envelope.

BUD     What's this with the fake engraving?

PEGGY   Oh, that's the invitation to your cousin Harriet's wedding.

 The kids respond with a complete lack of enthusiasm.

BUD     Aw, Harriet?
KELLY   Puke.

PEGGY   You don't have to go.

 Bud does a quiet "yeah!" to Kelly.

PEGGY   Thing is, your father and I have to go out of town for it. Bud, who can you stay with?

BUD     I'm not allowed into anybody's house.

PEGGY   Well, we'll find someone. 

 We hear Al coughing loudly upstairs.

PEGGY   Daddy's up.

KELLY   Well, we'll see you later.

PEGGY   Okay, be home by six. Oh, and Bud, don't bite anyone. And Kelly, don't get anything
        pierced.

KELLY   Yeah, Mom.

 The kids leave. We hear Al cough some more. Peggy puts more scrambled eggs on a plate, takes it
 to the kitchen table and sits down. Al comes down the stairs, rolling his sleeve.

PEGGY   Morning.

AL      Coffee.

PEGGY   In the pot.

 Al walks over to the pot and pours himself some coffee.

AL      Boy, I love it when you get up before I do and I got the bed all to myself.

PEGGY   [sarcastically] Gee, you'd never know it, the way you put your foot on my behind and
        push.

 Al sits down next to Peggy.

PEGGY   Here's your breakfast, Honey. [indicates plates]

AL      Mmmm. Oh, just like I like 'em.

 Al holds his plate of scrambled eggs next to Buck's head, but Buck ignores it.

AL      [to Buck] Ah, you dirty, shiftless bag of -

 Peggy notices what Al is doing.

PEGGY   [reproachingly] Al, don't feed that to the dog! The cholesterol is very bad for him.

 Al gives her a long look.

PEGGY   [indicating other plate] Bacon?

 Al puts some bacon on his plate and eats.

AL      Boy, I hate Saturdays. Damn kids come to the mall and make fun of me.

PEGGY   Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go off together, just the two of us?

AL      Not really.

PEGGY   You know where I'd really like to go?

AL      [suspiciously] Where?

PEGGY   Miwaukee.

AL      I smell your family coming on. What's up, Peg? "Beerfest '87"? Is it time for your Mother
        to defend her Keg-sucking crown? Is she moving up into the heavyweight division this
        year?

PEGGY   Can't stand that a woman won, huh?

AL      Hey, there were a lot of people there demanding chromosome tests.

PEGGY   Just you and Dad.

AL      I don't care, Peg. I'm not going to one of your family gatherings.

PEGGY   It's not a gathering. It's a wedding.

AL      Who's getting married?

PEGGY   Harriet.

 Al chuckles.

AL      Harriet? You mean someone answered the ad?

 Peggy gets up, annoyed, and gets herself coffee.

AL      Some people will do anything to keep from being deported.

PEGGY   Hey, Jose is a very nice man. And his English is coming along just fine.

AL      Mi habla "not going".

PEGGY   Al, we have to go. The whole family is coming.

 Peggy sits back down.

AL      Oh, really? How about Elmo, the human surprise? Are they bringing him?

PEGGY   You know, he makes a very good living.

AL      Well, they won't have his cage at the wedding, Peg.

PEGGY   Well, you have to admit there's one good thing about my family. They gave you me.

AL      Getting me sentimental ain't gonna work with me, Peg. Now you send Harriet a card, you
        give Jose a copy of the Pledge of Allegiance, but I'm not going.

PEGGY   Yes you are.

AL      No I'm not!

 Al gets up and heads for the door.

PEGGY   Oh yes you are, and you cannot walk out on this arguement.

 Peggy gets up and follows Al.

AL      Watch me.

PEGGY   Fine! But when you come home we are picking up right where we left off.

AL      Well, that's fine. Then I'm not coming home.

 Al leaves.

PEGGY   [to herself] Neah, he'll be coming home. And Mr. and Mrs. Bundy will be attending.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 The shoe store.
 Luke is dancing with some elderly woman named Delilah.

LUKE    [singing] You're once, twice, three times a lady.

DELILAH	Ooh.

 They stop dancing just as Al is coming in.

LUKE    See? I told you you could dance in these shoes.

DELILAH [giggling] Well, I'll take them.

 Luke walks over to the counter to write a receipt. Al crosses to him.

AL      Luke, what are you doing?

LUKE    Selling shoes, man. You work on comission, you go the extra mile. And that, my friend, is 
        the extra mile.

 Delilah walks over to the counter with her purse.

DELILAH Thank you.

LUKE    My pleasure.

 Delilah pays Luke and he gives her the receipt. 

DELILAH [to Al] Oh, your son is very nice.

 Delilah leaves.

LUKE    [amused] Ah, she must've been something 1500 years ago.

AL      Get away from me, Luke.

LUKE    Hey, Al, you know, there's something I've learned over the years. Whenever someone yells
        at me, it's not me. How could it be? So what's wrong?

AL      Ah, I had a fight with my wife.

LUKE    I knew it wasn't me! How bad was it?

AL      Well, I - I got pretty mad, so I laid down the law: I told her I'm not coming home! So,
        uh, where can I get some flowers cheap?

LUKE    Thought you said you weren't going home.

AL      Well, let's face it, I've got no choice. I have to. That's the trouble when you're
        married with children. [sits down] They know you're coming home.

 

 Luke pats Al on the shoulder.

LUKE    Al...

AL      What?

LUKE    What do you think I should have for lunch?

AL      Hey, I'm pouring out my heart here!

LUKE    I'm sorry. I thought you were done.

AL      No I'm not! I'm not at all.

 Luke kneels down opposite Al.

AL      I gotta find a place to stay. I can't afford a hotel... If I go home then I'm saying I'm
        sorry, so I can't go home. I gotta make her wonder, make her worry, make her miss me.
        Then I can go home, so she can yell at me. Where am I gonna stay?

 Luke stands up.

LUKE    [smiling] Everybody comes to the answer man. Choice is obvious, Al. You set up a cot in
        the stock room.

 Al also stands up.

AL      I'm staying with you, Luke.

LUKE    For free?

AL      Yes.

 Al puts his arm around Luke's shoulder.

AL      You know, I haven't done something like this in a long time. Yeah, kick back with a buddy
        and a six pack and be men. You know, Luke, I - this is really helping me out. Thanks a
        lot.

 Luke puts his arm around Al's shoulder.

LUKE    Hey, the day Luke Ventura can't help a friend, that's a day he's got something better to
        do.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Peggy and Marcy are sitting on the couch, watching TV.

TV      [announcer, v.o.] The divorce judge will now render his verdict. [voice of judge] Mr.
        Gannon, your lovely bride in eight months deserves far better than you. I can't grant her 
        that, but I can grant her 93 percent of your network, your Ferrari and your stocks. And
        you, Mr. Gannon, you get the children. [Peggy and Marcy laugh] This court is adjourned.

 Marcy claps.

MARCY   What a great show.

PEGGY   Oh yeah. You know, that's a real judge. More coffee?

MARCY   Okay.

 They get up and walk over to the kitchen.

PEGGY   Listen, Marce, Al and I have to go to a wedding next week. Do you think you could watch
        the house?

MARCY   Sure. I love weddings. Where are they registered?

 Peggy pours them some coffee.

PEGGY   Department of Immigration.

MARCY   How '80s. Well, if you can't find anything there, we have a lot of good gift catalogs.
        Why don't you and Al come over later? Better yet, come over without Al.

PEGGY   I'm afraid I'd have to. He's mad at me about the wedding. We had this big fight...
        [cooing] He was so cute. He said he wasn't coming home.

 Peggy laughs.

MARCY   You don't seem too concerned...

PEGGY   [spooning sugar into their cups] Marcy, this is Al. I mean, where's he gonna go?

 They cross back to the living room.

PEGGY   He might drive around for a while, till he has to use the bathroom and eat. Then he'll
        come slinking back, pretending nothing happened. Then we'll go to bed, and nothing will
        happen.

MARCY   Well, I'd be worried if Steve threatened not to come home. According to my book, "Men and 
        Other Primates", after a marital spat the man is most vulnerable to outside stimulae.

 

PEGGY   What does that mean? 

MARCY   [confidentially] There are a lot of man-hungry barracudas out there. The first little
        wink -- his shoes will be under her bed.

PEGGY   Well that should end it right there.

 Peggy laughs.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Luke and Al enter Luke's bachelor pad, and Luke turns the lights on.

LUKE    Here it is: home of the Big Boy.

 Al looks around with wonder.

AL      Wow, I can't believe you live in a building where all your neighbors are stewardesses.

LUKE    Well, I used to live in a building with a lot of married people. Sure, the sex was great
        during the day, but it got lonely at night. Take a load off, sit down.

 Al takes off his jacket.

AL      No TV?

LUKE    It's in the bedroom with the cameras. You want a drink?

AL      Yeah. Uh, got some Scotch?

 Luke opens his mini-bar. It's full of "airplane bottles" of beverage.

LUKE    I got everything. 

 Luke hands Al a bottle.

LUKE    One of the many benefits of living in a "stew's zoo".

 Luke hands Al a plastic cup, a napkin and a small bag of peanuts.

LUKE    You want a deck of cards or a barf bag or something?

AL      Nah, I'm cool. Peggy must be eating her heart out. If she could see me now.

 Al sits down on the couch.

AL      What a night, huh, Buddy?

LUKE    I wanna... kinda get comfortable. You make yourself at home, Buddy.

 Luke goes into the bedroom and closes the door. Al takes off his shoes, loosens his tie, picks
 up his drink, sits back and puts his hand down his pants.

 

AL      Eat your heart out, Peg. [singing softly] "By the time I get to Phoenix she'll be rising.
        Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm her hair."

 The doorbell rings. Al gets up and opens the door to Terry and Sherry Cherry, two gorgeous
 blondes.

TERRY	Hi.
SHERRY	Hi.

 

TERRY   We're the Cherry sisters. Terry and Sherry Cherry.

 Al stares in amazement.

 

AL      [stiffly] I'm, uh... Uh... Al! Al Bundy, that's right.

 Luke comes out of his bedroom, wearing a robe.

TERRY   Luke!
SHERRY  Luke!

LUKE    Cherries!

 Luke laughs. The Cherry sisters run over to him and kiss him on the cheek.

TERRY   We brought you this.

 

 Terry holds up an inflatable mask and breathes into it.

SHERRY  Our mother taught us never to go any place empty-handed.

TERRY   Or without a dime for a phone call. [to Al] Oh, we didn't bring anything for you. Would
        you like our dime?

LUKE    Aren't they sweet, Al?

AL      [still in a state of shock] Uh, Al! Al Bundy, that's right.

LUKE    Ladies, I'd like you to meet my friend, Al "The King" Bundy. [Al waves] Let's get
        comfortable here. Come on.

 Luke leads the Cherry sisters to the couch. Al follows them, laughing stupidly.

SHERRY  Ooh, you redecorated. I love it.

LUKE    Yeah, it's kind of a Wild Kingdom feel. I like it.

 Luke sits on the couch between the Cherry sisters. Al sits in a pouffe next to them. 

TERRY   Luke, you know, Sherry and I were just talking and I really need a man's opinion. 

LUKE    Okay. Come sit on my lap.

TERRY   Sure.

 Terry sits on Luke's lap. Al stares.

TERRY   I don't know what to do. My boyfriend wants to move in with me, but he still wants to see
        other people.

LUKE    Let me tell you something. You don't let him move in unless he's willing to make a
        commitment.

TERRY   Thanks, Luke.

LUKE    So, you wanna go in the bedroom?

TERRY   Sure, as long as I'm here...

 Terry stands up.

LUKE    [to Al] Everyone comes to the answer man.

 Luke gives Al the inflatable mask and leads Terry towards the bedroom, as Al watches in
 amazement.

LUKE    [singing] You're once, twice, three times a lady, and I love...

 Luke and Terry go inside the bedroom and close the door. A beat, then Luke opens the door and
 changes the Vacant/Occupied sign on it to 'Occupied'.

LUKE    ...you.

 Luke closes the door again. Sherry smiles at Al and indicates the cushion next to her. Al gets
 up, laughing nervously, and sits down next to Sherry. He sips his drink and looks around
 nervously.

SHERRY  So what do you do, Al?

AL      Oh, I'm a... a... You know, a shoe thing.

SHERRY  They're gonna be in there a while. Looks like you're stuck with me.

 Al places the inflatable mask over his nose and mouth and takes a deep breath.

 


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Peggy is sitting on the couch by the phone, looking impatient. The phone rings and she quickly
 answers it.

PEGGY   [talking on the phone] Hello? Oh, hi Sis. Gee, you and Harriet must really be excited.
        Oh, I wanted to tell you that Al and I are coming to the wedding. [beat] Well, don't
        cry... I have to bring Al. [beat] Jose called off the wedding?? Why? [beat] He won the
        Lottery?! Oh, poor Harriet. [beat] Well, I'll tell Al. He'll just be devastated, but
        maybe we'll see you for Schnitzel Week. [beat] I love you too.

 Peggy puts the receiver down and sighs. Kelly comes in.

PEGGY   Hi, Kel.

KELLY   Hi, Mom. Is Dad in the bathroom?

PEGGY   No.

KELLY   If he's not in the bathroom, and he's not watching television, where else could he be?

PEGGY   Oh, I think your father's working late.

 Kelly looks at her watch.

KELLY   The shoe store closed hours ago. You had a fight, didn't you?

PEGGY   Of course not. What would we fight about?

KELLY   Oh, the fact that you have no money and Bud and I are great disappointments to you?

PEGGY   You are not disappointments. 

 Kelly sits down next to Peggy.

PEGGY   Look, we did have a fight, but don't worry. Your father will be home soon.

KELLY   Well, I hope wherever Dad is he's nowhere near another woman. Mom, I hate to tell you,
        but as a boyfriend-stealer myself, the best time to get them is right after a fight.

PEGGY   [chuckling] Oh, who would want your father?

 

KELLY   Mom, let me tell you. When a woman gets to be around your age, they get real desperate.
        I've seen them at the mall. Their hungry, vacant eyes scanning the escalators. Pretending 
        to shop near the men's dressing rooms, praying that some man - any man! - will walk up
        and say: "Does this tie go with this shirt?" I don't have to tell you what's next. Can I 
        have Dad's chicken?

PEGGY   Sure, Honey. Why don't you take it upstairs?

 Kelly gets up and picks up the bowl of chicken wings that's sitting on the coffee table.

PEGGY   Oh, look, don't worry about Daddy. He'll be home soon.

 Kelly heads upstairs.

PEGGY   [trying to reassure herself] And I know where he is. He's over at Telly's bar, having a
        beer, watching the game on the big screen, lying about how many shoes he's sold...

 Peggy looks to make sure Kelly has gone upstairs, then picks up the phone and dials.

PEGGY   [talking on the phone] Hello, Telly? Uh, is Al Bundy there? [beat] Well, could you check
        the bathroom?


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 Back at Luke's pad
 Sherry is standing next to the closed bathroom door.

SHERRY  So my sister and I got jobs as stewardesses because we thought that's the way to become
        pilots.

 We hear a flushing sound, then Al comes out of the bathroom. They walk back to the couch.

SHERRY  The reason she's in first class and I'm in coach is 'cause she's much smarter than I am.
        One time I went into the cockpit and I actually saw her sitting on the pilot's lap,
        helping him fly the plane. She must've been very good, because he told the co-pilot to
        get out.

 Al takes this in.

SHERRY  [indicating Al's arms] Man, you have very strong forearms.

AL      [proudly] Yeah?

SHERRY  It must be from all that flushing. 

AL      Well, y'know, that and, y'know, working out.

SHERRY  Yeah. You know, men are always making passes at me because they think stewards are easy,
        but we're not.

 We hear Terry from the bedroom.

TERRY   [o.s.] Oh, Luke! Luke!! Luke!!!

SHERRY  [calling out] He's not out here, Sis!

 Al gets an odd look on his face.

SHERRY  Let me ask you something, Al. What's a nice guy look for in a girl?

AL      Uh... [thinks] You. Really. You - you're beautiful, and, uh, you're blonde, and, uh,
        you're facing me. Yeah, I like that in a woman. Don't worry. The right guy is going to
        come along.

SHERRY  You know, I really feel comfortable with you. Like, I can talk to you and be myself, and
        I don't have to live up to any of those sterotype expectations everyone has of a
        stewardess. You know, always waiting on people, attending to their needs... Would you
        care for a beverage?

AL      No, thanks.

SHERRY  I'm looking for a serious commitment. Someone who'll stay the night.

 Al nods.

AL      Then I gotta think there's some guy out there for you.

SHERRY  I hope so. See, I'm not like my sister. I need a man to make me whole.

 Sherry, arching her back, bulges her breasts and tosses her hair. Al stands up.

AL      [breathless] Well, I think I'd better get going.

SHERRY  You want a massage?

AL      [after a beat] Sure.

 Al sits back down and Sherry massages his shoulders.

 

SHERRY  Ooh, you're tense.

AL      And there are tears in my eyes. 

 Al stands up again.

AL      Well, I better get going home. 

 Sherry also gets up.

SHERRY  Can I come with you?

AL      [to himself] What are my chances Peg's in a coma? [shakes his head] No. [to Sherry] Uh,
        listen: I - I know that I'm in a bachelor's pad, and that I've got the forearms of a
        Jabba man, but, uh, I gotta tell you: I'm, uh, married with children.

SHERRY  [smiling] That's okay.

 

AL      Excuse me.

 Al turns away from Sherry and cools himself with a hand fan. He turns back to her.

AL      Uh, listen. You're really, really great, and any guy would be lucky - I mean 'jackpot
        lucky' - to be with you. But, I hope you'll understand, see, I've been married a long
        time, and it just wouldn't be right. You got any pictures of yourself? [shakes his head]
        No, no, that wouldn't be right either. Listen, I gotta go. Take care.

SHERRY  [admiringly] You are so honorable. Your wife must be really wonderful.

AL      Well, she's a pip. But she's my pip.

 The bedroom door opens. Terry is standing there wearing a towel and holding a video camera, with 
 Luke behind her.

TERRY   Hey guys, you wanna make a movie?

AL      [facing Sherry] Yes I do. Goodbye.

 Al gets his coat and heads for the door.

AL      [near tears] Yes I do!

 Al leaves.


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

 Peggy is sitting on the couch, drumming her fingers impatiently on the coffee table, where the
 phone is now sitting. She picks up the receiver, listens, and puts it back down. We hear Al's
 car come to a halt outside the house. Peggy quickly puts the phone back in its place and stands
 facing the door. Al comes in holding a paper bag.

PEGGY   Oh, gee, Al, I'm so glad you're home.

 Al takes a long-haired blonde wig out of the paper bag and holds it up.

 

AL      Wear this.

 Peggy takes the wig and he carries her upstairs over his shoulder.

 

THE END