Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal...............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison............Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse.............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino............Bud Bundy
Mike the dog..............Buck

No Guest Cast



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Bud and Kelly are sitting in the living room, Peg is standing in the kitchen near the counter and
Al is sitting at the kitchen table, which is covered with bills.

AL      Okay, everybody, gather around. I want you to watch me pay these bills.

Peg, Kelly and Bud walk over to the kitchen table.

PEGGY   Aren't you going to dress in rags, like you did last month?

AL      That was to prove a point, Peg. A point that obviously wasn't taken too seriously. Now:
        the Bundy household is going to cut down on unnecessary expenditures. [turns towards the
        the other three] What can we do to help?

No one says anything.

AL      For starters, we can cut down on our electricity... Bud, are we in the living room?
        [gestures towards the living room]

BUD     No, dad.

AL      Then turn out the light.

BUD     Sure, dad.

He starts walking towards the light switch and stops.

BUD     Dad?

AL      What?

BUD     Uh, I'm in the living room now.

He smiles.

AL      You're also on thin ice. Turn out the light. 

Bud turns off the lights in the living room.

AL      [looking through the bills] Like it or not, this family will learn to save. Where the
        hell are the rest of the bills?

PEGGY   On the coffee table, under your new 75 dollar glow-in-the-dark tackle box. 

AL      Okay.

He gets up and heads for the living room.

AL      Everybody, gather around.

Peg and Kelly follow him. He stops by the coffee table.

AL      Will somebody please turn the light on in here? I can't see a thing.

BUD     Sure, Dad.

He turns the lights back on. Al picks up a couple of bills from the coffee table.

AL      Kelly, are we in the kitchen?

KELLY   No, Dad.

AL      Then what do we do?

Kelly turns around and goes to turn off the light in the kitchen.

AL      We'll learn, we'll all learn. [he looks at a bill in his hand; angrily:] Look at this!
        Everybody in the world gets a tax refund - not me! Me, I work in hell, I earn nothing -
        Bud, where else aren't we? [he gestures upstairs]

BUD     In a good neighborhood?

AL      Go on upstairs and turn out those lights. 

Bud runs upstairs.

AL      And Kelly - 

KELLY   Let me guess: you want me to go outside and beg for cheese?

AL      No. I want you to cut down on your entertainment expenditures. You know, records, movies,
        bleach...

Kelly opens her mouth wide.

KELLY   Fine, but I'm warning you: I'll steal bleach before I give up my blondeness.

AL      [nodding] Good girl.

Kelly goes upstairs. The doorbell rings. Peg sits down on the couch.

PEGGY   You wanna get that, Al?

Al sits down next to her, looking at some bills.

AL      Who spent 39.95 at a place called "Ten Little Toenails"?

PEGGY   I'll get it.

She opens the door and Marcy comes in holding a brown bag.

MARCY   Hi. We've been nut-picking and we brought you a bag.

PEGGY   Aw.

MARCY   You got a nut-cracker?

AL      You're looking at her.

PEGGY   I've got one somewhere.

She walks to the kitchen.

AL      [to Marcy] Would you close the door? You're letting out the heat!

Marcy closes the door and walks behind the couch. She looks over Al's shoulder at a bill he's
holding and laughs.

MARCY   Is that what you make?

Al turns towards her and looks at her behind.

AL      Gaining a little weight there, aren't you, Marce?

She walks to the kitchen looking disturbed and puts the bag on the counter.
Peggy has a hammer in her hand.

PEGGY   I found the nutcracker.

MARCY    Do you think I'm gaining weight?

Peg looks at her and does a "so-so" motion with her hand. Marcy looks down at her thighs.
The doorbell rings.

PEGGY   Al, would you get the door for once in your life?

AL      [angrily] Who the hell spent 60 dollars on granular facial scrub?!

PEGGY   I'll get it.

She opens the door. Steve is standing outside.

STEVE   [to Peg] Hi! [to Al] Hi, Al.

AL      [impatiently] What do you want?

STEVE   [shrugs] I miss Marcy.

PEGGY   Aw, look at that, Al. It's only been a few minutes and he misses her.

AL      Why don't you just kill me?

Marcy walks over to Steve and they kiss.

AL      Close the door, the heat's getting out!

Steve closes the door. Marcy sits down on the one-person couch and Steve sits on its arm with his
hand on her shoulder.

STEVE   Well, if you want to cut down on your heating bills, do what we did: install extra
        insulation. 

MARCY   Not only is it a monthly savings, but we got a nifty little rebate from the government
        for energy conservation.

STEVE   Believe me, it had a lot to do with that big tax refund we just got.

MARCY   The only thing is - we don't know what to do with the money.

AL      Why don't you have a couple of kids - they'll suck it up like a Hoover.

Peg looks at him disapprovingly.

AL      It's a vacuum cleaner, Peg, in case you want to do something different with your 
        afternoons.

STEVE   Did we come at a bad time?

PEGGY   Don't mind Al. It's just his time of the month. [laughs and puts her hand on his knee]
        Bill time. So, uh, what are you going to spend your refund on?

MARCY   [dreamily] Well, we were thinking about taking a romantic trip to Paris.

Steve hugs her closer.

PEGGY   Oh, I've always wanted to go to Paris.

AL      Oh yeah, Paris. Where they hate Americans. Where they won't let our bombers fly overhead
        - oh yeah, until they get invaded. Then they come crawling back to us, beret in hand, for
        us to bail them out with my tax dollars. That's where you wanna go?

STEVE   [quickly] No, no. We just said that. You know, to kid you. We hate the French.

AL      You know what I would do if I had a few extra bucks?

MARCY   Bomb the French?

AL      No, I was talking about a little extra money. No, anyhow, I'd like to add on to our 
        house. You know, just to have a little room for me. Somewhere I could go relax, sit back,
        read the paper...

PEGGY   Another bathroom, huh?

STEVE   Well, actually we considered adding on to our house when we bought it, but we need you to
        sign a variance to give us permission to build that close to the property line, and it
        seemed like an imposition.

PEGGY   Oh, don't be ridiculous. We're friends. Aren't we, Al?

AL      Who, you and me? No.

MARCY   Would you really consider it? I - I mean, there'd be some extra noise and dust for a
        while.

AL      Ah, why not. It's something we can hold over your heads.

MARCY   Come on, Steve. Let's go look through our "Dream House" file.

They get up and walk to the door.

STEVE   Hey, uh, thanks, you guys!

They leave.

PEGGY   That was nice of you, Al.

AL      Yeah, I'm a nice guy.

He goes back to looking through the bills. Buck jumps on the couch.

AL      What is this: 16 dollars for chopped sirloin? You never make me chopped sirloin. Who the
        hell got the chopped sirloin?

Buck jumps off the couch and runs upstairs. 

AL      [angrily] Why do you give Buck chopped sirloin and I get tuna? Why doesn't he get the
        tuna?

PEGGY   Because tuna makes his breath smell. And yours is hereditary. 

She smiles at him.


SCENE TWO

Al walks from the kitchen to the living room holding two cans of beer and puts them down on the
coffee table. Bud, who is looking through the door, jumps and runs over to him.

BUD     Dad! [he takes Al's hand and leads him towards the door] I just wanted you to know that
        I've listened to you and I haven't spent any money.

AL      Good boy.

BUD     Yeah, I sure hope Kelly hasn't.

The door opens and Kelly comes in with a shopping bag. Bud does an exaggerated gasp.

BUD     Oh my God! 

AL      Kelly, what's in the bag?

KELLY   I bought some new jeans. [Al gives her a stern look] Dad, you told me to buy new jeans.
        You said you hated the way that these [points to the pants she's wearing] look. 

AL      Oh, all right.

KELLY   [to Bud] Tough luck, maggot.

The doorbell rings. Al opens the door and Steve comes in.

STEVE   Hey Al, what can I do for you?

AL      Steve, come on in, sit down.

They walk towards the couch, where Kelly is busy cutting her new jeans.

AL      What are you doing?

KELLY   Everybody's doing this. And yes, if everyone was jumping off a building, so would I.

Bud appears at the top of the stairs.

BUD     Kel! Collect call for you from Australia!

Kelly laughs uncomfortably.

KELLY   [to Al] Excuse me, there must be some sort of a misunderstanding.

She runs over to Bud and grabs him by the collar.

KELLY   I thought we had code words for things like this!

BUD     We're late on our code payments.

They go upstairs. Al shrugs.

AL      Yeah, in a couple of years they'll be gone.

They sit down.

AL      So, Steve, how's the addition?

He gives Steve a can of beer.

STEVE   Well, uh, we just talked about it last night, we haven't had much time to actually do
        anything about it -

AL      [cutting him off] Yeah, good, good. Uh, I was thinking that while the girls are at the
        gym, this would be a good opportunity for us to just kinda sit around and shoot the bull.

STEVE   Hey, great! Well, yesterday at the bank -

Al laughs, cutting him off.

AL      Great story, Steve. Listen: you know the kind of room that I think you and Marcy really
        need? A pool room for you and me. 

STEVE   Uh, I don't know, uh, I think me and Marcy should get a room we both like.

AL      She's got one: she's got the kitchen! You need something to fill up your life, and I
        think this room is the perfect thing. See Steve, remember how great it was when you were
        a kid and you had your own room, and you had the privacy to do whatever you wanted to?
        You can do those things again, Steve. 

STEVE   I don't need to do that anymore. I've got a wife now.

AL      And a terrific little wife she is, too. She would never stand in the way of you wanting
        your pool room. Listen, think of it, Steve: a little refrigerator for your beer, a little
        powder on your hands, the feeling of the cue-stick sliding through your fingers, the
        squeak of the chalk... but most of all, that feeling of adrenaline coursing through your
        veins as you make that two-cushion bank shot 8-ball in the side pocket. 

He smiles. Steve opens the beer can, sits back and sighs contently.


SCENE THREE

Peggy and Marcy come into the living room, wearing their gym clothes. Peg is smoking a cigarette.

PEGGY   Gee, that was a great workout. [she blows some smoke] You want some pie?

They walk to the kitchen.

MARCY   Sure. It really does give you an appetite, doesn't it?

Peg notices a note that's taped to the refrigerator and reads it.

PEGGY   Ah, the boys are at your house, talking about your new room. 

She opens the refrigirator and takes out a large package of ice cream. 

PEGGY   So, uh, what kind of room is this going to be?

MARCY   An all-purpose room.

PEGGY   What a waste.  Why not build a room with a purpose, like an exercise room for you and me.
        [she hands her a plate with a slice of pie] Ice cream?

MARCY   Sure. 

PEGGY   Gee, an exercise room would be great. [she starts scooping ice cream onto Marcy's plate]
        Then we wouldn't have to wait in line to use their equipment, and be laughed at by women
        with good bodies. Chocolate sauce?

MARCY   Okay.

Peg goes to the refrigerator to get the sauce.

MARCY   I don't know, Peggy. Steve and I wanted a room we could both use.

Peg comes back with the sauce and a bottle of whipped cream.

PEGGY   Oh, Steve has his own room. He has the kitchen! Besides, aren't you sick of dragging me
        along each week to be your free guest at the health club? I mean, they know I'm not gonna
        join. Doesn't that embarass you?

MARCY   Well, [accusingly:] not as much as you stealing towels! 

PEGGY   Hey, that sign said "guest towels: take one".

She starts pouring chocolate sauce onto Marcy's overloaded plate.

PEGGY   Look, Marce, if you build an exercise room, not only will you look better, but you'll
        live longer. [she finally stops pouring sauce] And isn't that the best possible you could
        give Steve? [she picks up the bottle of whipped cream and starts shaking it] Whipped
        cream?

MARCY   [holding up her plate] What the heck. I'm going to have an exercise room, right?

PEGGY   [smiling] Right.

She covers Marcy's plate with cream and smiles at her.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Marcy and Peg are sitting at the kitchen table, eating. Peg has a notepad in front of her.

PEGGY   Now, our exercise room should have a little refrigerator for our juice and other healthy
        things.

Marcy nods in agreement. Steve and Al come in from the back door.

STEVE   Listen honey, I think this is a great move adding a room. [he puts his hand on Al's
        shoulder]. Listen guys, thanks for suggesting it.

AL      What are neighbors for?

PEGGY   Our pleasure.

MARCY   Steve, [gets up] let's start getting bids from some contracters. 

She picks up her bag and slings it over her shoulder and walks to the door, followed by Steve.

STEVE   And architects.

MARCY   And designers. I want to move on this thing, Steve.

STEVE   I love you, Marcy.

MARCY   I love you, Steve.

They leave. Al sits down next to Peg.

AL      I hate them, Peg.

PEGGY   They hate you, Al.

She starts to write in the notepad.

AL      Yeah, but they're gonna have a nice little room where I can go and shoot pool and have
        fun.

Peg stops writing and turns towards him.

PEGGY   I hate to break this to you, Al, but that room is going to be an exercise room for me.
        Oh, and Marcy, I guess, if she can find the time. I don't think she will, personally.

AL      Forget it, Peg. I'm getting a pool room.

PEGGY   I'm getting an exercise room!

AL      Not a chance!

PEGGY   Look, Marcy is on my side. She makes the money, she's got the power.

AL      Oh yeah? I make the money and I have no power. Why is that, Peg? We'll deal with that
        tomorrow. The important thing is: I want that pool room and Steve is gonna get it for me.

PEGGY   Marcy will run right over him like a tractor over a road apple.

AL      Not this time, Peg, this time he's gonna be the little road apple that could!

PEGGY   Ha ha!

AL      Oh yeah? Call them back here and we'll settle this once and for all.

PEGGY   All right. Fine.

She runs to the door and opens it.

PEGGY   Steve - Oh!

Marcy and Steve are kissing outside. They stop when she opens the door.

PEGGY   Excuse me. Could you come back in? 

They come in, straightening their clothes, and stand in the living room.

AL      We want you to settle an arguement between me and Peg. Now is that addition going to be a
        pool room like Steve wants, or an exercise room like, uh, Peg wants. [points at Peg]

MARCY   [to Steve] You want a pool room? You didn't say anything about a pool room.

STEVE   Well, uh, you didn't say anything about an exercise room.

MARCY   I thought we weren't gonna make any decisions without consulting our life partner.

STEVE   Well! It looks like you made one with consulting me, Miss Le Laine.

Al and Peg are watching the arguement.

AL      How do you like my little road apple now, Peg?

PEGGY   It ain't over until the fat lady sings.

MARCY   You don't even play pool anymore. At least I exercise, so I can be healthy and live
        longer. For you.

STEVE   Oh, Marcy...

Peg sings shrilly in Al's ear.

MARCY   [holding Steve's hand] But I suppose I could exercise at the club, rather than have you
        risk injury or disease at the local pool hall.

STEVE   [taking her other hand as well] No, no. Your body is much more important than my having a
        good time. We'll build your exercise room.

They move closer.

MARCY   I don't want you to be unhappy.

STEVE   [in a mushy voice] Oh, I don't want you to be unhappy.

They start to kiss. Al stops them quickly.

AL      Uh, look. It's obvious that things are heating up here a little bit too much. Why don't
        we just take a minute, relax, sit down and cool off. Now Steve, we'll cool off right
        here.

PEGGY   [taking Marcy's hand and pulling her towards the kitchen] Come on, Marcy, let's make you
        a cup of coffee and calm down.

Al and Steve sit down on the couch.

AL      How're you doing, Steve? Are you comfortable?

STEVE   Sure Al.

AL      [shouting] How could you be without a backbone?! You know damn well you and me wanted
        this pool table. How come she's the one racking the balls?

STEVE   Al, it wasn't worth fighting about.

AL      Well, sure! Our rights are not important! Anything a woman says is fine with us! Jeez,
        when did men become such losers? Used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to
        please us, they'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the
        natural order of things. What happened, Steve? 

STEVE   Well, Al - 

AL      I'll tell you what happened, Steve! Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex
        too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Every-
        thing's work for us. It's this equality thing. It's killing us! You know who I blame?

STEVE   The French?

Al nods.

AL      I think it's this - this Curie guy started the whole thing. He's the guy that let his
        wife take the credit for discovering radium. 

STEVE   But she did discover radium.

AL      Ah, probably because he left it out one night. That never would have happened if he had
        his own room. Einstein had his own room. You think Einstein invented the theory of
        relativity in his wife's exercise room? No. He was in his own room with the door closed.
        Now, you make the decision, Steve, but make the right one. Remember: a man's castle is
        his pants.

Steve ponders this thought.
Meanwhile in the kitchen...
Marcy is sitting at the table while Peg is making coffee.

PEGGY   [sighs] Why is it men always get what they want?

MARCY   Steve's not getting what he wants.

PEGGY   He will. They always do. And we let 'em. You know, no matter how far we've come, we are
        still subservient. It all started with Adam. You know, when he said: "Yo Eve, get me an
        apple, would you, babe?". And she did. And now you are going to repeat that same mistake
        by giving Steve a pool table?

MARCY   You can't draw parallels there. That's like comparing apples and pool tables.

PEGGY   We're talking symbols here, and what they do to men. [she sits at the table] You see,
        they start out normal. And then puberty happens, and suddenly they're acting like
        peacocks and thinking they're Italian. You know, a lot of people say that puberty has to
        do with hormones - I blame it on pool rooms. You see, that's where they hang out, elbow
        each other, smoke cigars and make up names for boobs. 

MARCY   But Steve seems to really want this room.

PEGGY   [with sarcasm] Yeah... just like Al really wanted the basement for his room. You know,
        that's why we bought this dump. 'Cause it had a basement. I wanted a sewing room. You
        know, some place I could go and drink wine and hide from the kids. Al wanted to build a
        boat. A boat he'll never finish. So once again, a woman gives up her dream for a man.
        Don't do it, Marcy. Ruin Steve's dream now for the both of us.

MARCY   I'm not sure that's the best solution. 

Peg sighs.

PEGGY   Marcy, I didn't want to have tell you this, but the women in the neighborhood really look
        up to you. 

MARCY   Really?

PEGGY   Mmm. They know they can't do what you do, because they're married to men like Al. Men who
        look at their own earwax and smile with pride. But you give us hope. You and your Susan
        B. Anthony... or should I say, Marcy B. Rhoades' aerobic studio. 

MARCY   I had no idea!

PEGGY   I know you didn't. You've got to do it, Marcy. Let the women look to you and admire you.
        Oh, except for those two women who live in the brown house and say they're sisters -
        don't let them admire you too much. 

MARCY   I - I don't know. Steve's so unselfish and kind and sharing.

PEGGY   Is he?

They look at Steve and Al, who are make-believing they're playing pool. 
Marcy gets up angrily and heads for the door.

MARCY   Come on, Steve. Let's go home. I think we have something to talk about.

STEVE   Yes, we do. I've decided I want a pool table.

MARCY   Ha! And a bag of apples too, I suppose.

She opens the door and walks outside.

STEVE   Oh, I'd like to think I can have apples if I want to...

He leaves and closes the door behind him. Al and Peg smile at each other.


SCENE TWO

Al and Peg are looking outside through the front door.

PEGGY   They're coming... and they've made a decision.

AL      Here they come.

PEGGY   Oh, Marcy's walking in front and she's got the plan.

AL      [smiling] Yeah, but Steve's eating an apple!

Al opens the door and the Rhoades come in. 

STEVE   Well, we've been talking for hours and we've reached a decision. 

They all sit on the couch. 

AL      Well, what's it gonna be?

STEVE   We decided to build an all-purpose room for both of us. 

Al and Peg look at them with disgust.

MARCY   [smiling sweetly] It's going to be a sitting room, where we can escape the pressures of
        the living room. Where we can be alone together for uninterrupted quality time. It's
        going to have a bay window, a love seat and a loom.

STEVE   Yes. Because we've always wanted a loom with a view.

Peg gives them another disgusted look. 

STEVE   I guess all that's left is for you guys to sign the variance.

AL      Well, I don't know. What do you think, Peg?

He puts his arm on Peg's shoulder.

PEGGY   I dunno. It's an awful lot of digging and hammering early in the morning.

AL      And the dust...

PEGGY   Oh!

AL      I gotta be honest with you guys, but, uh, it seems like a lot of trouble for us - and for
        what? You don't need another room.

Steve and Marcy look at each other unbelievingly.

PEGGY   I can't believe that you would entice us with a room that we might enjoy when all you
        wanted was for us to sign the variance.

AL      We don't like to be manipulated.

PEGGY   [to Al] I feel so used.

AL      I think you two better leave.

He gets up and walks to the door.

STEVE   You're the ones who said we should build a room!

AL      A little late for an apology now.

He opens the door and Steve and Marcy get up and start to leave.

PEGGY   I expected better of you.

MARCY   But we ordered a loom!

AL      That was a little presumptous, wasn't it, Marcy?

STEVEV  [angrily] Now just a second Al, 'cause I've reached my boiling point.

MARCY   Easy, honey.

STEVE   Not this time. [to Al] I listened to your Einstein theory, I listened to your "man's
        castle is in his pants", and I watched while your wife tried to shatter my wife's
        hourglass figure. And now you're gonna hear what I have to say.  

Al closes the door in his face.

STEVE   [shouting from outside:] Vive le France!

AL      [to Peg] The nerve of those two, eh?

PEGGY   Mmm. I guess I'll have to go on being her guest at the health club.

They sit on the couch and sigh. Al puts his arm around Peg's shoulder.

AL      Hey Peg, do you think there's any room for a pool table in our basement?

PEGGY   Well, yeah, if you wanna get rid of the boat...

AL      Oh, honey, we can't do that. We're gonna sail the great lakes on that baby, just you and
        me. The freedom of the sea... I'm gonna finish it, too, Peg. 

PEGGY   I know you will, Al. And I'm gonna vacuum someday, too.

AL      I know you will, Peg. Hey honey, I thought of a great name for the boat. You know what
        I'm gonna call her? 

Peg smiles at him.

AL      The "Al Bundy".

Peg stops smiling.

AL      I think I'm gonna go down to the basement and look at her right now.

He gets up and walks to the basement door. Peg makes a face. He opens the door, turns on the
lights and goes downstairs. Peg sighs. Bud comes in.

PEGGY   Bud, are we in the basement?

BUD     No, mom.

PEGGY   Then what do we do?

Bud nods and goes to turn off the light in the basement. Peg lights a cigarette. Bud turns off
the light and we hear Al screaming and then a crash. Peg smiles to herself and blows some smoke.


THE END