Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck

Guest Cast

Thomas Hull.............Muldoon
Frank Lloyd.............Norris
J. Jay Saunders.........Bronson



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peggy is sitting on the couch, eating bonbons and watching a quiz show on TV. Buck is with her,
lying across her lap.

TV     [quizmaster] And for one hundred dollars, name the chief export of the United States.

PEGGY  Wheat.

TV     [contestant] Machinery.

TV     [quizmaster] Machinery is correct! Now, which state boasts the most U.S. Presidents?

PEGGY  Illinois.

TV     [contestant] Virginia!

TV     [quizmaster] Virginia is correct! Now, which side of the brain controls analytical
       thinking?

PEGGY  The right!

TV     [contestant] The left!

TV     [quizmaster] The left is correct! And we'll be right back after this brief commercial
       message.

Peggy looks displeased. A commercial comes on the TV.

TV     Hey America! Who do you call when you don't want to cook?

PEGGY  Ahab's!

TV     Ahab’s is correct! [Peggy looks pleased with herself] Yes, Ahab’s for fish and fowl. Yes,
       opening soon in an economically depressed area near you.

Al's car is heard driving up.

PEGGY  Ooh. [Turns off the TV] Daddy's home. [to Buck] Come on.

Peggy claps her hands for Buck to get off the couch. 
Al enters.

PEGGY  Hi, honey. How was your day at the shoe store?

AL     I'll tell ya something, Peg. Feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly
       combination.

PEGGY  Well, you knew that going in, Al.

AL     [stretching] Yeah. Oh, my back is so tight. [He takes his shirt off] Wish I had someone to
       rub it... like a wife. [He sits on the couch and looks over at Peg] Hey, there's one now!

PEGGY  How 'bout my back? You know, Al, I work hard all day too.

AL     Yeah? Doing what?

Peggy cannot think of an answer. She gives in and starts massaging Al's back.

AL     Ahahahahaha. Ohhh, that feels good.

PEGGY  Hug.

She kisses Al on the neck. Al takes wind of this and turns around to kiss Peggy.

AL     Where are the kids?

PEGGY  Upstairs.

AL     What if they come down?

PEGGY  I'll take care of that. [calls upstairs] Bud! Kelly! You want to come down and help me in
       the kitchen?

Two doors are heard slamming shut.

PEGGY  There. That should buy us about 10 minutes... 7 more than we'll need.

AL     Where were we?

They both lie down on the couch and get to work. A group of neighbors, of whom include Steve,
Marcy and two guys named Muldoon and Norris, enter suddenly.

MULDON We're here, Bundy!

Al picks his head up suddenly and stares at the incoming people.

MULDON Bundy, Bundy, Bundy. Don't you know you shouldn't leave your door unlocked? It's an
       invitation to intruders.

AL     [to Peggy] What are they doing here?

PEGGY  They're the Neighborhood Watch. I invited them.

AL     To watch this?!?

Al and Peggy sit up.

STEVE  Uh, hi Peggy; uh, Al. Hope we're not interrupting anything. 

AL     Naaaah, just going to have a little sex with the wife! What the heck, there's always next
       month.

MARCY  Our house was robbed this afternoon.

AL     Gee, that's too bad, Marce. You wanna hand me my shirt?

Marcy picks up his t-shirt caustiously and gives it to Al.

PEGGY  What'd they steal?

STEVE  Mostly small stuff. Our radio, Marcy's earrings, our cameras, our answering machine...

MARCY  God only knows who called.

PEGGY  Well, at least they didn't take anything valuable.

MULDON Yeah, this time; but I know how these vermin work.

As he talks, he walks around the room handing a beer to each of the guys.

MULDON They take your little crap then come back later with a truck for your big crap.

When he reaches Al, there is no beer left, so Al is handed the empty can rings.

MULDON Not going to happen to my house. I'm ready for 'em. I've got 50 thousand volts going
       through my window bars, I've got a bucket of battery acid hanging over the back door, I
       got 30 aut 6 rigged to the front doorknob.

STEVE  Then how do you get into your house?

MULDON Wouldn't you like to know! Now, the question before us is: what are we going to do about
       it?

MARCY  I say we hunt the scum down, then we run them over with our cars. Then we get out these
       fish hooks, and we...

STEVE  Marcy!

MARCY  I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. It's just that I feel violated. Someone's been
       in my home and my bedroom. I feel so helpless.

AL     We'd all feel helpless in your bedroom, Marce.

NORRIS Al, you got anymore beer?

AL     No. And in all the excitement, I forgot to ask: why are you meeting in my house?

NORRIS 'Cause our wives didn't want you in ours.

Another neighbor, Bronson, enters.

BRONSN Hi! Did I miss anything?

AL     You want me back on my wife?

Peggy nudges Al.

BRNSN  Not on my account. I just wanna say I'm just sorry that you got robbed.

AL     Wasn't me, it was [points to Steve and Marcy] them.

BRNSN  Yeah, it was you! Someone smashed your car windshield, stole your radio and wrote "wash
       me" on your hood.

Al quickly gets up to see the damage.

AL     My car?? They stole my radio?

MULDON Hey Bundy, the thieves have a point. You really oughta wash your car.

AL     Get out! [opens the door] Out! Out! Pretend there's a keg on the lawn. Out! OUT!

The neighbors leave, while Steve and Marcy remain.

AL     I can't believe they stole my radio right in front of my house!

Steve pats Al on the shoulder to comfort him.

STEVE  I know how you feel.

AL     If you did, Steve, you wouldn't be touching me.

Steve removes his hand.

MARCY  Maybe we should get more involved in the Neighborhood Watch.

AL     Look. You can't depend on anybody but yourself. I've put it off long enough -- I'm buying
       a gun.

MARCY  A gun is not the answer. You can't curtail to the criminal element by sinking to their
       level.

AL     Oh, excuse me, Miss "Let's run them over and get out the fish hooks"!

MARCY  I was upset; I wasn't thinking clearly. 

PEGGY  Yes; she wasn't using the left, or analytical, portion of the brain.

The others look at Peggy.

AL     I'm definitely getting a gun. And I advise you to do the same.

STEVE  Now, come on. There's got to be a more humane way of protecting our home and possessions.

MARCY  There is. We'll get a dog. A good watch dog.

AL     That's a great idea. I’ve got a dog!

Al runs over to Buck, who is lying on the floor, and speaks to him.

AL     Oh, Buck, look! Strangers in the house, boy. Kill 'em, Buck! Go, kill 'em! [Buck puts his
       head on his paws] Whooooaaa, big fella.

MARCY  I don't mean a stupid dog. I'm talking about a real dog. A guard dog. A Doberman. Steve,
       first thing tomorrow, we're going to one of those deadly doggie places. 

STEVE  Yes, Al. Because we're against guns and the voilence they stand for. 

MARCY  That's right. A dog. A vicious dog. With sharp teeth that'll go through a jugular like a
       hot knife cutting through butter on a warm summer night.

STEVE  Come on, dear.

Steve leads Marcy out of the house.

MARCY  So the next guy who tries to get in my bedroom uninvited will walk out on bloody stumps!


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

The kitchen. 
The Bundys are having breakfast. Steve and Marcy's new dog is heard barking.

AL     When's the last time you called to complain about the dog?

PEGGY  Yesterday. But Marcy said to stop calling. She said the ringing makes him bark.

AL     Everything makes him bark!

BUD    Hey, Dad? It's been two weeks and you haven't even let me see the gun yet. Let alone pick
       off a pigeon or two.

PEGGY  Bud, guns are not toys. They are lethal weapons and should only be handled by responsible
       adults. 

BUD    Well, when Dad was practicing his quick draws at the TV during Donahue...

AL     Ah, Bud, number one - shut up. And number two - it was Phil's salute to The Huge and Fat
       Women's carcass; number three - there were no bullets in the gun. Your mother took them
       out and hid them for safety reasons... and she won't tell me where!

KELLY  Guns, guns, guns. Can't anybody talk about me for a change?

AL     Okay, Kelly... where were you last night?

KELLY  So, Dad, what kind of gun did you buy?

The doorbell rings. Peggy goes to answer it.

PEGGY  Coming! 

The dog is still barking loudly. Peggy opens the door to Steve and Marcy. Both are wearing huge
foam arm protectors. Steve holds out a cup.

STEVE  Hi Peg. Borrow a cup of kibble? We ran out and the dog's still hungry.

AL     What's the matter, the neighbour's cat didn't fill him up?

STEVE  That cat was taunting him, Al.

PEGGY  Gee, you two look cute. You know, I can't get Al to dress unisex at all.

STEVE  Oh, this is protective gear. Y'see, Bela still hasn't accepted us as his rightful owners.

AL     You named that dog after Bela Lugosi?

STEVE  No, Abzug.

MARCY  We thought it was kind of cute... But he won't wear the hat.

STEVE  Oh, listen Al, by the way, we want to apologize about your fence.

AL     What happened to my fence?

STEVE  Bela ate through it.

BUD    Wow!

MARCY  It was just a little piece.

STEVE  Yeah, not much really. About the size of a human face.

AL     Rhoades, what are going to do about this?

STEVE  Look, we'll handle this the way we dealt with the cat incident: Get estimates, and we'll
       make it good.

MARCY  Look, we know Bela can be loud, and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts,
       but at least he's a good protector.

BUD    Gee, Mom, that's just what you say about Dad.

Muldoon enters.

MULDON Prowler! They just hit the Johnson's. TV and major appliances. We're all meeting at the
       Bowl 'n' Brew to calm ourselves down.

STEVE  Ha! See that? They didn't hit our place. That's what a good dog will do for ya. Come on,
       Marcy, grab the meal and the mace. [they start out] It's time to feed our doggie!


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

The Bundy bedroom.
Al and Peg are in bed, asleep. One of them is snoring. It is silent, until a crash is heard
outside. Al sits up, alarmed. Peggy continues snoring. Al wakes her up.

AL     Peg! Did you hear that?

Peggy wakes and sits up.

PEGGY  How can I hear anything the way you snore?

Another sound is heard.

PEGGY  Oh, Al. What was that?

AL     I don't know. 

Another crash is heard. Al gets out of bed.

AL     Don't worry; I'll go check.

PEGGY  Nonono, Al, call the police!

AL     For a noise?

PEGGY  It might be a burglar. Call the police.

Al picks up the phone, listens for a beat, then hangs it up again.

AL     Can't -- Kelly's on the phone. 

Al gets something from his bedside drawer.

PEGGY  What are you doing?

AL     Getting my gun! Peg, are you going to tell me where you put the bullets now or are you
       going to wait till the kids see our pictures in the paper??

PEGGY  Come on, Al, I had to hide the bullets so Bud wouldn't find them.

AL     Where are they??

PEGGY  They're in the finger holes of your new bowling ball.

Al cringes. He retrieves his bowling ball and starts shaking out the bullets.

AL     Oh, this is real easy, Peg. This is much better than keeping them handy! Even an axe-
       wielding maniac deserves an even break.

PEGGY  Hurry, Al!

AL     Where's Buck? Shouldn't he be barking?

PEGGY  I don't know.

Buck runs into the room and onto the bed.

AL     Ohh, you shiftless, worthless, dirty...

Al takes his bullets and gun and leaves the room. Peggy picks up the bowling ball, hoists it
above her head and follows out after Al. 
Al creeps downstairs in the dark.

AL     Peg, stay at the top of the stairs. If anything happens, get the kids and lock yourself in
       a room. And if Kelly's off the phone, call the police.

Al listens for another sound.

AL     It's coming from the patio.

PEGGY  Oh, be careful, Al.

AL     I will.

Al sneaks over to the back door and gets ready to heave it open. He does so, but unfortunately
the door is latched, so it doesn't open as Al had expected. He cries out in effort. He unlatches
the door, then opens it. Peggy watches from the top of the stairs.

AL     [o.s.] Okay, creep! I see ya! Freeze or I'll shoot!

A gun shot is heard. Peggy, Kelly and Bud run downstairs.

PEGGY  Oh my God. Al! Al! Oh.

Al comes back in, unscathed.

PEGGY  Oh Al, are you all right?

AL     Yeah.

PEGGY  What happened out there?

AL     I just shot Steve and Marcy's dog.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al, Peggy, Kelly and Bud are gathered around the kitchen table. Al's gun is on the table also.

PEGGY  How could you shot a dog?

AL     It didn't look like a dog, Peg. All I'd seen were these two yellow eyes staring at me from
       the bushes. I told him to freeze, but I thought it made a move at me, and I panicked.

KELLY  You couldn't tell the difference between a dog and a human being?

AL     He was wearing a hat! Kelly, honey, I was trying to protect our family.

BUD    That's right, Kel. Dad did a good thing. Can I go out and see the body?

KELLY  You're disgusting.

BUD    And you're failing five classes.

AL     Hey hey hey, kids, now listen to me. Now, I think we can all learn something from this.

BUD    What, Dad?

AL     I don't know. Go to bed.

BUD    Aw, Dad!

KELLY  I wouldn't argue with him, Bud, he's already killed once tonight.

Bud and Kelly go upstairs.

PEGGY  You were very brave, Al.

AL     Ohh. Wasn't anything that anybody else with the heart of a lion wouldn't have done! I 
       mean, you should've seen me, Peg. Yeah, I was a little nervous. But I got him right 
       between the eyes. And I tell ya, there's not a lot of space between those eyes.

PEGGY  [awed] It was a nice shot, Al. You wanna go upstairs?

AL     Yeah.

They start their way upstairs, only to be stopped by the ringing of the doorbell.

AL     You don't suppose that's Steve and Marcy?

A knock at the door.

MARCY  Peggy, Al, it's us!

PEGGY  Oh no, it's them. What are we going to tell them?

AL     I don't know. But if they don't bring it up, WE don't bring it up!

Al puts the gun down and casually opens the door to Steve and Marcy.

AL     Heeeeey! Steve and Marcy! What brings you two crazy kids over here?

STEVE  We heard a shot.

AL     Ay! [to Peg] Peg, look who's here; it's Steve and Marcy from next door.

Peggy smiles and nods.

AL     They heard a shot, Peg. [Peggy silently nods again] Are you going to say anything tonight,
       Peg?

Peggy smiles and shakes her head. Al turns his attention back to the Rhoades.

AL     Ah, what was that you said you came over here for?

STEVE  We thought we heard a shot, Al.

AL     [to Peg] They thought they heard a shot, Peg. Did you hear a shot?

Peggy smiles and shakes her head.

Al     [desperately] Say something, Peg!

PEGGY  [thinking quickly] Well, I think if there'd been a shot, they're dog would've started
       barking.

Al cringes.
Steve and Marcy come inside.

STEVE  Look, guys, I'm really sorry about that barking.

AL     Oh, forget about it. We're friends and neighbors here. We’re not going to let some stupid
       dog come between us, are we?

MARCY  Why isn't Bela barking? I haven't heard him in a while.

PEGGY  Al, tell them.

AL     Okay. 

Al sits Steve and Marcy on the couch then sits between them, laughing nervously.

AL     You know, I tell ya, [he puts his arms around Steve's and Marcy's shoulders] I really love
       you guys. Do, do you love me, huh?

STEVE  Well, sure Al... You know... Not really.

PEGGY  Tell them, Al.

AL     I'm not going to tell them anything until they tell me they love me.

MARCY  What's going on here?

AL     All right. [he stands] Okay. But, uh, you gotta promise me that you'll let me finish. 

STEVE  Sure, Al.

AL     I shot your dog... I'm finished.

MARCY  Bela!

Steve comforts a distraught Marcy.

STEVE  Is he...?

AL     Alive? 

STEVE  Yes.

AL     No.
 
MARCY  Where is he?

AL     Well, he's out in my yard. You can't miss him... I didn't.

STEVE  [to Marcy] You stay here, I'm going to go check on Bela.

Steve runs out the back door to inspect.

MARCY  You shot my puppy.

AL     Look, I'm sorry. We had a prowler stalking our yard and your dog came to my defence. The
       burglar, he took a shot at me, and I fired back and poor Bela got in the way and was
       killed in the cross fire.

MARCY  We only heard one shot.

AL     It was a simultaneous exchange; I don't know! It happened so fast it's all a blur.

Steve comes back inside and does not look happy.

STEVE  You shot my dog in the middle of a BOWEL MOVEMENT???

Marcy glares at Al, who shrugs. Marcy runs to Steve for solace.

MARCY  Steve, is he really dead?

STEVE  Yes, dear.

MARCY  How do you know?

STEVE  Well, number one - he didn't respond to any of my commands... and number two -- his brains
       are in the begonias.

MARCY  [to Al] You killer!

PEGGY  Ahh, anyone for cake or coffee?

AL     Hey, now listen, I said that I was sorry. Let me make it up to you. Let me buy you another
       dog.

MARCY  For what, target practice?? [to Steve] We told him not to get a gun! [to Al] We told you
       not to get a gun! But you had to go out and be Mr. Macho! Now you've taken an innocent
       life!

AL     Hey now, wait a sec. This is not a defence, but that dog is anything but innocent. I mean,
       he bit you, he ate a cat. Give him enough time, he would've robbed a bank! How much do you
       want for him??

MARCY  A thousand dollars.

AL     A thousand dollars. For a dog that just sat there and let me shoot him.

STEVE  You wanna get off cheap next time, go plug a squirrel.

MARCY  All right! Forget the money. You know what I want.

AL     Yes I do, and you're too late -- Peg's already got 'em.

MARCY  Your GUN, Al. Give me your gun.

AL     All right.

Al fetches the gun.

MARCY  I want to take it and throw it in the Chicago River so it will never hurt anyone again.

AL     Here.

Al tentatively gives the gun to Marcy.

MARCY  And from now on, we're just neighbors.

STEVE  Now I know why we got our house so cheap.

They leave.

AL     Well that's done. Where were we?

PEGGY  We were going upstairs... Dead Eye.

Al and Peggy go upstairs.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

The next day.
Peggy is folding laundry. Al enters from the other back door.

AL     Well, that's done. Old Bela's on his way to the landfill. Cost me twenty dollars and a six
       pack for the garbage man. You'd think the dollar I give him at Christmas would be enough?

PEGGY  Yeah. Oh, by the way, I washed your killing clothes. Have a nice day, honey.

Peggy goes upstairs with the laundry.
The doorbell rings and Al answers it to Steve.

AL     Hi.

STEVE  Hi, Al. Uh, listen. Some words were said last night and we just want you to know that we
       talked it over and we understand that you didn't do it on purpose. You didn't do it on
       purpose, did you, Al?

AL     Steve, I'm a pet owner myself.

STEVE  Anyway, we decided to let it go and forgive you.

They shake hands.

AL     Thanks, buddy.

STEVE  So, I guess if you'll just uh... give me Bela's body, we can forget about the whole thing.
       [Al looks worried] We want to give him a decent burial. You know, in our yard, under that 
       big tree where he did his business... except of course for that last one.

AL     Gee, I don't know what to say, Steve. [thinks] Uh, yes I do. I can't let you do that. See,
       Peg and I talked it over and we realised that since that I'm at fault, I should handle
       everything. So let me take care of all the arrangements, huh?

STEVE  Well, if it'd make you feel better, I guess that'd be all right. Marcy'll like that. We'll
       do it tonight after work. See you then. Thanks, big guy. Oh uh, [he takes a bone out of
       his coat pocket] Listen, uh... can you bury him with this? He really loved this bone.

Steve leaves, holding back tears.

AL     Sure, buddy.

Al closes the door, then casually tosses the bone in a basket by the door.

AL     [calling] Hey Peg, I'm late for work. Can I ask you to do me a little favor?


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

The funeral.
A small group of neighbors, plus Steve and Marcy, are gathered in their backyard. Marcy is
wearing dark glasses. The group is humming the tune of "Amazing Grace". Peg and Al heave a large
box in and put it in the ground.

AL     How much for the crate?

PEGGY  A hundred and fifty dollars.

AL     A hundred and fifty dollars???

PEGGY  Al, I didn't have time to comparison shop.

Peggy and Al join the group. The crowd stops humming.

STEVE  Now I'd like to uh, say a few words on behalf of the dearly departed. As you know, Bela
       was more than a dog to Marcy and me. He was family, one of us. Bela will be missed, but
       his death was not in vain. He taught us about the value of life. [pointedly to Al] And
       that guns and violence are not the answer to society's ills. And we can take consolation
       in the knowledge that although he only lived one year in dog years, he lived seven in
       people years...

As Steve continues with his speech, Al whispers to Peg.

AL     I gotta hand it to you. What a great job. That crate even feels heavy enough to have a dog
       in it. What'd you put in there anyway?

PEGGY  Some rocks... and your bowling ball.

Al looks up, shocked, and glares at Peg. Then he breaks down, crying. 

STEVE  ... But knowing that he's right here in the backyard, where he was so happy... makes us
       all feel a little less grief... 

Steve notices Al crying and comforts him.


THE END


EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS  MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY  LINDA DAY
WRITTEN BY  RON BURLA
CREATED BY  RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER  BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITORS  SANDY SPRUNG AND MARCY VOSBURGH
CASTING  MARC HIRSCHIELD, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING  STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HUESEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION  DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER  DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR  BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR  GERRY CHOEN
STAGE MANAGERS  RICHARD DRANEY, GARY HAMIREZ
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE  KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR  SUSAN JANG
UNTI MANAGER  STEVE MCINTIRE
TECHNICAL MANAGER  TUG RENCHER
PRODUCTION SERVICES COORDINATOR  MICHELLE BURRAGE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR  JIM RALSTON
LIGHTING DIRECTOR  MARK BUXBAUM
AUDIO  JERRY BARBER
VIDEOTAPE EDITOR  ROGER AMES BERGER
RE-RECORDING  TAMARA JOHNSON, CARROLL PRATT
COSTUMES  MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER  MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP  SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST  DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTER IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT 1987 EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION  KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION