Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck

Guest cast

Ritch Shydner...........Luke Ventura
Walter Olekwicz.........Violinist
Don Draper..............Salesman
Elias Zarou.............Marcel the Chef
and
Richard Sanders.........Mr. Conner




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundy house.
Peggy and Al come downstairs in their nightclothes.

AL     Oh God, the world is ugly in the morning.

PEGGY  Come on Al, it's our anniversary and the kids wanted to fix us breakfast.

AL     Yeah, they're great kids. By the way, Happy Anniversary.

They nearly kiss, but stop before their lips meet.

AL     Did you brush your teeth this morning?

PEGGY  No. You?

AL     No. [they pause, then shake hands] Happy Anniversary, honey.

They enter the kitchen and sit at the table.

AL     Oh, I could eat a horse.

PEGGY  Yeah, me too, I'm hungry.

AL     I don't smell anything cooking. [looks around] I don't see anything cooking. I'm gonna go
       out on a limb here - nothing's cooking!

PEGGY  I bet they made something ahead of time. They're hiding. [louder] Ready to surprise us.

Kelly and Bud come downstairs, also in their nightclothes.

BUD    Oh, I'm starving! What's for breakfast?

PEGGY  Kids! It's our anniversary. I thought you wanted to get up early and fix us breakfast?

KELLY  Oh no, was that today? I'm sorry. Happy Anniversary. What's for breakfast?

PEGGY  Well, I'll fix us something. What would you like?

Peggy gets out the breakfast ingredients while Al talks.

AL     Well, I'd like some fried eggs over easy, I'd like uh, couple of pieces of crisp bacon,
       I'd like a glass of fresh juice squeezed, and I'd like a couple of pieces of toast with
       jam. [Peggy puts a box of cereal in front of him] Where's the Tang?

Peggy gets the Tang. Bud sneaks up behind Kelly and snaps her bra. 

KELLY  You are so immature!

Kelly pulls Bud's shirt over his head and walks off. Peggy returns with the Tang.

PEGGY  Bud, stop playing with your clothes.

Bud straightens his clothes.

PEGGY  Well, anyway. Happy Anniversary, dear. Can you believe it's been sixteen years?

AL     Yeah, they just flew by.

PEGGY  Let's see. Now, which one is the sixteenth? I know tenth is tin, the fifteenth is
       crystal... what's the next one?

AL     Brimstone. You gonna get me a tie again?

PEGGY  Yeah. You getting me shoes again?

AL     Yeah.

PEGGY  From your store?

AL     Yep. 

PEGGY  Why don't we, uh, forget about presents this year?

AL     Fine with me.

PEGGY  I mean, after all, anniversaries are about being together.

AL     Yeah, you're right. I'll come home tonight, how's that? Yeah, I'll be here, you'll be
       here, the TV'll be here... let's not make a big deal about it this year, all right?

PEGGY  Yeah. We don't need a bunch of silly presents to show we love each other. I know that I
       love you.

AL     Yeah, yeah, yeah.

PEGGY  I said that "I love you".

AL     I said "yeah yeah yeah"! I gotta get ready for work.

PEGGY  Listen, Al, since you're not gonna get me a present, do you think that you could take my
       car and have a radio installed?

AL     Peg, I don't have the time.

PEGGY  Yeah, but I'm out all day long, you know, running errands. What am I supposed to listen
       to?

AL     Your own beautiful voice. If God didn't want other people to hear it he wouldn't have made
       it so shrill. I'm gonna take a shower.

PEGGY  Yeah, I gotta do the laundry.

AL     Peg, when you do the laundry, you use all the hot water.

PEGGY  Well, if God had wanted you to have hot water, he wouldn't have given me laundry.

Peggy goes to the laundry. Kelly approaches Al.

KELLY  Dad? Are you really not going to get Mom a present? Whoa, bad move. 'Cause no matter what
       she says, if you don't get her a present, you're gonna break her heart.

BUD    Yeah, then she'll take it out on us.

KELLY  Dad, even Meg's father got her mom an anniversary present and he shot at her! 

Al checks to see if Peg is listening, then speaks furtively to Kelly and Bud.

AL     This is a secret, and I mean a secret. I am getting your mom a present. One of those
       expensive watches she's always harping about.

KELLY  Oh Dad. [hugs him] That's great. She'll love it. You're the greatest. 

AL     Yeah. But listen, don't say a word to your mother 'cause I want this to be a surprise. You
       understand? Not a word!

BUD    Right, Dad!

Al exits upstairs. Kelly and Bud wait for him to disappear out of view, then run excitedly over
to Peggy, who is coming out of the laundry area.

BUD    Oh, Mom, guess what? Dad's getting you a great watch.

KELLY  That is supposed to be a surprise, Butthead. [to Peggy] It's one of those expensive ones
       that you're always harping about.

PEGGY  Oh. What a sweet man. Yeah, that sweet man would get me a great gift and I'll be sitting
       there like a jerk with nothing for him. Well, I'm going out to get him something. Gee,
       what is it he's really wanting?

BUD    That blonde down the street.

PEGGY  Did he tell you that?

BUD    No, I just assumed it by the way he bites his fist every time he drives by her house. 

PEGGY  Oh, he's just kidding when he does that. Excuse me, one second.

Peggy walks over to the kitchen tap and turns it on sharply. Al is heard screaming from upstairs.

PEGGY  Ah, I'm just kidding when I do that. You kids go ahead and get ready for school. 

The kids leave. Peggy turns on the tap again and Al reacts.
The doorbell rings.

PEGGY  Sorry, Al! I had a huge load of laundry.

Peggy answers the door to Steve and Marcy. They give Peggy a bottle of champagne.

STEVE  Happy Anniversary!
MARCY  Happy Anniversary!

PEGGY  Oh, how thoughtful. 

Marcy gives her the champagne.

MARCY  Look, we even put your name on the label. 

PEGGY  Oh, that's too bad. It would've made a nice gift to give somebody. But thanks anyway.

Steve and Marcy exchange a look and come inside.

STEVE  So, I guess you guys have a big evening planned, huh?

PEGGY  Oh, pretty much. I'll fix dinner. We'll exchange presents. Then he'll watch midget
       wrestling.

STEVE  Ooh, what time's it come on?

MARCY  Steve! We hate wrestling.

STEVE  I know... I just wanted to know how late midgets got to stay up. [smiles]

MARCY  Now Peggy, this is a special night for you and you shouldn't spend it cooking. [she leads
       Peggy to the couch] Listen, I know a great caterer. Let them do the work. 

PEGGY  A caterer?

MARCY  Yeah, we use them for all of our anniversaries. The first day we met...

STEVE  The first day we kissed...

MARCY  The first day we went out...

STEVE  [getting somewhat turned on] The first day we stayed in...

He slides next to Marcy on the couch.

MARCY  The first day you brought me flowers...

STEVE  The first day you talked dirty to me.

MARCY  I love you, Steve.

STEVE  I love you too, Marcy...

They start kissing passionately on the couch. Peggy doesn't notice them.

PEGGY  Do they make veal?

Peggy looks down at the couple making out next to her.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

Embassy Jewels.
The salesman is serving a man at the counter. He is showing the man, Mr. Conner, a picture frame.

CLERK  Here we are, sir. 

CONNER Oh, I think my wife would like that.

CLERK  I think she will too. It's a very nice frame.

Al enters the store and interrupts them.

AL     I'm Al Bundy, I called about that expensive watch. 

CLERK  Ahh yes! [reaches down, gets the watch and shows it to Al] Here you are, sir. Oh, it's my
       last one.

AL     Well, wrap it up. Oh, and uh... leave the price tag on.

CLERK  Well, yes, sir! Yes. Now, will that be cash or charge? 

AL     Uh, charge. [giving the clerk his card] And uh, don't get cute with my carbons.

The clerk rings up Al's purchase.

CONNER Wait a second, I was here first.

AL     Yeah, yeah, so were the Indians. No, see, I'm in sales myself, I see how these guys think.
       See, they see me, they see a big commission. They see you, they see me.

CONNER Well, if you're in sales, you should know that each customer counts as much as the next.

AL     Yeah right, that's why he let me butt right in front of you like you were never even born.
       [pointing to the picture frame] What's that?

CONNER It's an anniversary present for my wife. 

AL     You gonna get that?

CONNER Yeah.

AL     How many years you been married?

CONNER One.

Al laughs.

AL     Well, see, that's explains it. See, you're obviously new to the married game. Let me help
       you out. See, the first thing I learned on my sixteen-year tour of duty, was that women
       live for presents. Now, you take the most honorary woman in the world, let's call her...
       Peggy, and you bring a crappy present home, like uh, that picture frame, your life will be
       a living hell. 

CONNER Well, my wife and I agreed we wouldn't spend too much on our anniversary. We decided to
       save our money for more important things. 

AL     There is no more important thing than your anniversary. See, an anniversary is something
       special. It's not like other holidays when other people are celebrating too, it's just
       between the two of ya. See, it's, it's a day when you can show how you feel the rest of
       the year, but you don't. 'Cause you're a man.

CONNER That's beautiful.

AL     To know me is to love me.

The clerk comes back.

AL     Here comes how I feel right now.

CLERK  Sir, your card has been rejected.

AL     Why??

CLERK  I don't care. Next!

The clerk tends to the other man.

AL     Wait a second, it's my anniversary.

CLERK  [derisively] Happy Anniversary. Next?

CONNER I'll take the watch!

Al looks up, worried.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The Bundy house.
Bud is watching a French chef ice a cake.

BUD    Wow, wish I could make stuff like that.

CHEF   Maybe you can. Would you like to be a chef?

BUD    Nah, I'd rather be a man.

The chef stops icing and takes a plate to the counter.
A violinist is setting up. Kelly walks over and picks something up from his case. 

VIOLST Don't touch my resin. Don't ever touch my resin. 

KELLY  Sorry. [puts back the resin] Gee, you're kind of touchy... [suspiciously] kind of like a
       clown at a birthday party.

VIOLST Oh yeah? You ever see a clown do this?

The violinist hits Kelly on the head with his bow.

KELLY  Ow! [realises] Bobo!

VIOLST Shut up, I'm not doing that anymore.

Peggy comes downstairs wearing a new dress.
Steve and Marcy are on the couch looking through a photo album.

MARCY  Peggy, what a beautiful dress.

PEGGY  Oh, thanks. I bought it this afternoon. I didn't really like it, but I didn't feel like
       changing back to what I already had on.

MARCY  Well, we were just admiring your wedding album.

STEVE  We videotaped our wedding. Of course, uh, Polaroids are nice too.

A car is heard pulling up.

KELLY  That's Daddy's car.

PEGGY  Okay, that's my watch. Everyone hide, quick!

Everybody but Peg hides in the basement. Peggy stands next to a big floral arrangement. 
Al enters.

PEGGY  Happy Anniversary, honey! See what Steve and Marcy sent us?

AL     Oh, gee, that's great. [kisses Peggy on the cheek] As long as I don't have to put up with
       them in person.

Everybody, including Steve and Marcy, come out of hiding.

ALL    Surprise! Happy Anniversary!

AL     Ah, Peg, I thought we said "no big deal". 

PEGGY  Oh, it's no big deal. Just us and a few of our closest friends.

The violinist pops up from behind the counter and plays a short tune.

PEGGY  And a violinist. And a few others. Time for presents.

AL     Peg, I thought we said no presents??

PEGGY  Oh, I know, but it's our anniversary and I couldn't resist.

Peggy sits on the couch. Al grabs Bud by the arm.

AL     You didn't tell your mother I was getting her a present, did you?

BUD    It was Kelly, Dad... I know she's your daughter, but, but I think she's gotta go.

KELLY  Okay, Mom and Dad, open mine first.

Kelly gives Al her present.

AL     You brought me a present too?

KELLY  Sure, I wasn't going to be the only one here without a present.

Al sits on the couch next to Peg and everybody watches as he opens the box. 
Everyone says "oooh" as Al shows the present -- a picture frame.

AL     A picture frame.

KELLY  You know how much it cost?

AL     Yes I do.

PEGGY  The perfect anniversary gift.

BUD    Mine next!

Peggy opens Bud's present.

PEGGY  Oh, a diary!

BUD    Yeah, it's Kelly's. [Kelly looks steamed] I heard you say you'd give anything to take a
       look at it.

KELLY  You little wad! You thief! You Nazi Fascist psychopath! [to Peggy, smiling sweetly] Mom,
       can I have that back, please?

PEGGY  Of course, dear. They're your private moments and Bud had no right to take it. [quietly to
       Bud] It was a nice thought though, Bud.

KELLY  [to Bud] You open wound.

Marcy gives Al a book.

MARCY  Here. We got you two one of our favorite books.

AL     [reading the title] 'My Partner, My Wife, My Life'... My God. Well, that's all for the
       presents. Thank you very much, good night and drive safely. 

Al goes to open the door, but Peggy stops him.

PEGGY  No. It's my turn.

AL     Peg, were you here this morning when we said no presents?

PEGGY  [laughing] Oh Al. [she takes a big box out of the closet and gives it to Al] Here!

Al sits on the couch, laughing nervously and opens it. Everyone goes "ooooh" when they see what's
inside. 

AL     The power tools I've been wanting. Boy, it's gonna be tough to top this... so why try?
       Good night, everybody!

Steve stops Al from getting up.

STEVE  No, we all know what it's time for now!

BUD    Yeah, come on, Dad, whip out that watch.

The doorbell rings and Al gets up to answer it, glad for the distraction.

AL     Uh, the door! [He answers it to Luke] Luke, you're here! Look everybody, it's Luke and he
       doesn't have a present, but we're not going to hold him against it, are we?

LUKE   Hey, I'd have to be a pretty big piece of scum not to bring a present.

Luke picks up his present.

AL     Luke, you didn't have to bring a present.

LUKE   Yes, uh, yes I did, Al - Peg hates me.

Luke gives his present to Peggy.

PEGGY  [coldly] Thank you, Luke.

Luke stands next to Marcy and looks at her.

LUKE   Hey, Al, your daughter's really blossomed.

Steve turns Marcy away from Luke and comforts her.

LUKE   Where's the eats?

PEGGY  Not now, Luke. We still have one more thing we have to do. 

KELLY  Yeah, Dad, get Mom's present.

AL     Right, Right. Ah... [thinks] It's out in the car, I'll go get it.

Al goes into the garage. The car is heard starting up, but the engine does not turn over. Peggy
looks towards the garage. After a few more tries with the car, Al gives up and comes back into
the living room with some motor oil and a road flare.

AL     Happy Anniversary!

He gives Peggy his "present".

PEGGY  A can of motor oil?

AL     Forty weight... and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Peggy, disappointed, puts down the items and moves into the kitchen.

VIOLST You didn't get her anything, huh?

AL     I tried to get her a watch, but... who is this guy?

KELLY  That's Bobo.

Bobo bops Kelly on the head with his bow again. Al goes into the kitchen.

AL     Peg, I tried to get you the watch. There was some kind of mix-up with the credit card.
       I'll fix it tomorrow.

PEGGY  Tomorrow is not our anniversary. 

Peggy pushes past him and starts to walk off.

AL     You're taking this well.

Steve stops Peggy and puts his arms around her and Al.

STEVE  Gifts aren't really important, are they? The important thing is that you two have been
       together all these years. Isn't that what anniversaries are all about?

MARCY  Steve, you wouldn't show up without a present for our anniversary, would you?

STEVE  Of course not. I care about you.

Peggy looks at Al and walks away from him. The chef calls out from the kitchen.

CHEF   Dinner is served!

Steve and Marcy start to head out.

STEVE  Maybe we ought to be getting on home... 
 
Peggy stops them.

PEGGY  Oh no you don't. I paid for this dinner and I'm going to enjoy it. Now sit.

Al offers Peggy a chair, but she sits on another one. Everybody takes their places at the table.

KELLY  Nice going, Dad.

BUD    Yeah, Dad; nice.

The violinist starts to play The Anniversary Song.

AL     You know, Peg, I really tried...

PEGGY  And I don't want to hear anymore about it. [the violinist stops playing] Caviar, anyone?
       Bud, Kelly? Steve, Marcy? [looks at Al, then:] Luke?  

AL     You know, Peg, I tried to get you the watch. It's not my fault.

PEGGY  It's never your fault.

AL     There's gotta be a reason. I paid the bill! You were here, I sent the check in a couple of
       weeks ago.

PEGGY  Give it up, Al. There is nothing wrong with the card. I used it to pay for this dinner
       today. Including this caviar that you now have your elbow in.

Al wipes off his elbow.

AL     Well, there's gotta be some reason.

PEGGY  I've got one; you're cheap?

AL     Yeah! But not today. I mean, didn't the guy give you a hard time about the card? 

PEGGY  No, Al. Not at all.

KELLY  Me neither, Daddy.

AL     You paid with the credit card too?

KELLY  Of course. I wasn't going to spend my allowance.

AL     And Peg, sweetie... those power tools that cost a pretty penny... was that pretty penny
       plastic, Peg?

PEGGY  Of course it was, Al.

AL     I see. So I guess uh, the dinner and uh, the presents... Ol' Mr. Skinflint here kind of
       paid for everything, didn't he? In fact, the only I didn't pay for was my present to you
       and you wanna know why? 'Cause maybe you stuffed the credit card so much that when I tried
       to use it, it threw up.

Al makes a vomiting motion. Everybody else puts down their food they were about to eat.

AL     No no no no no, please eat, enjoy, relax. I'd like to thank everybody for their
       understanding in my hour of need. I'm going to take my tools which I paid for, and
       celebrate in the garage which I'm still paying for.

Al leaves the table. Everybody is silent for a moment.

PEGGY  Could you pass the veal? 

MARCY  You know, Peggy... as a woman, I'd never thought I'd be saying this to another woman, but
       you're totally wrong.

PEGGY  I know. 

MARCY  Aren't you going to apologize?

PEGGY  Oh sure, but not right now. He won't be expecting me yet. See, this is where he likes me
       to sit and stew in my own juices. Would you pass the sauce?

STEVE  [passing her the sauce] But you are going to tell him you're sorry, aren't you?

PEGGY  Ha, no. See, that's the really nice thing about Al. Whenever we have a major argument, he
       never makes me apologize. He always cuts me off right before I have to say the 'S' word.
       It's kind of a shorthand. Comes with sixteen years of marriage.

STEVE  [to Marcy] Oh honey, I hope that we grow so close that I never have to apologize to you.

MARCY  Steve, you're interrupting.

STEVE  I'm sorry.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

The garage.
Al is working on Peggy's car. Peggy comes in and walks over to Al.

AL     And another thing, where'd you get that dress?

PEGGY  Oh, I've this for years. You never notice what I wear.

AL     So what are you doing out here?

PEGGY  You know. Look, I didn't realise that I put you over your credit limit. It's just one of
       those things that happen when you charge too much. 

AL     And?

PEGGY  And after all, it's your money.

AL     And?

PEGGY  And I don't work. Feel free to cut me off here anytime you'd like.

AL     No no, not this time, 'cause this time I didn't do anything. And I want to hear you say
       it.

PEGGY  What, Al?

AL     "It". 

PEGGY  Come on, Al, we both know I am.

AL     "Am" what, Peg?

PEGGY  It. Very "it." [Al just looks at her] You're really serious?

AL     Yep. 'Cause, see, I thought I finally saved up enough money to get a nice present that you
       deserve, and it felt bad walking in the house without it. But it was worse thinking that
       you didn't think I tried. 

PEGGY  Yeah. You're right. You always do try to do something nice for our anniversary. 

AL     Hmm hm.

PEGGY  [seriously] And even if you hadn't tried to buy me the watch, if the sixteen years we've
       been together isn't enough to say "I love you", what good could a stupid watch do? Oh Al,
       I really - 

AL     [cutting her off] We're supposed to get some rain.

Peggy smiles.

PEGGY  Would you like me to make you some soup for your lunch tomorrow?

AL     Nah, it's okay. Last time I cut my hand on the can. You know, I really did feel bad about
       not getting you a present, so I thought of a present I could give you that you didn't have
       to put on a credit card. [Peggy smiles eagerly at Al] No, not that. 'Cause after all I was 
       wrong in this. But uh, anyway there it is.

Al shows Peggy the inside of her car.

PEGGY  Oh gee, you tore out my dashboard. Thanks.

AL     Oh, but, look where the dashboard used to be.

PEGGY  [looking] Oh, a radio!

AL     Yeah. Yeah, I took it out my car and put it in yours. Happy Anniversary.

Al gives Peggy a kiss.

PEGGY  Oh, that's so sweet.

AL     I fixed the bass control so it doesn't vibrate your tush.

PEGGY  Actually I kinda like that. Oh Al, I can't tell you how much this means to me. [looks in
       the car again] Hey, what's the thing on the front seat?

AL     Oh, that's your air conditioner. Hey listen, you know, we haven't been alone all day. You
       wanna sit out here and listen to the oldies station?

PEGGY  Yeah, sure.

Al turns on the radio. "War" by Edwin Starr comes on.

AL     Our song!
PEGGY  Our song!

They dance.



THE END


EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS  MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY  LINDA DAY
WRITTEN BY  KATHERINE GREEN & RICHARD GURMAN
CREATED BY  MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER  BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITORS  SANDY SPRUNG AND MARCY VOSBURGH
CASTING  MARC HIRSCHIELD, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING  STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HUESEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION  DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER  DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR  BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR  GERRY CHOEN
STAGE MANAGERS  RICHARD DRANEY, GARY HAMIREZ
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE  KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR  SUSAN JANG
UNTI MANAGER  STEVE MCINTIRE
TECHNICAL MANAGER  LINCOLN HARRISON
PRODUCTION SERVICES COORDINATOR  MICHELLE BURRAGE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR  JIM RALSTON
LIGHTING DIRECTOR  MARK BUXBAUM
AUDIO  NICK KLEISSAS
VIDEOTAPE EDITOR  ROGER AMES BERGER
RE-RECORDING  TAMARA JOHNSON, CARROLL PRATT
COSTUMES  MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER  MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP  SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST  DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTER IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT 1987 EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION  KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION