Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy

Guest cast:

Ritch Shydner...........Luke Ventura
Elizabeth Edwards.......Sandy



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE


 Al is sitting on the couch with a big bag of Potato Chips, watching TV. Peggy comes downstairs
 and goes into the kitchen.

TV     [Patsy] Excuse me, Mr. Bosley, isn't this demeaning?

TV     [Mr. Bosley] Demeaning? Demeaning, Patsy? Is it demeaning for a woman to serve a man? What
       do you think, girls?

AL     No!
TV     [female voices] No!

TV     Now everybody, let's get started!
 
 Music plays on the TV. Peggy walks over with a cup of coffee and sits next to Al.

PEGGY  Whatchya watchin'?

AL     "Patsy: Portrait of a Stewardess in Training".

TV     [female voice] Mr. Bosley! And I thought that was a flotation device!

 Al grins childishly at the TV.



PEGGY  Oh Al. Why do you watch these things? 

AL     It's educational, Peg. I mean, we all fly, but do any of us really know what these young
       ladies go through to become stewardesses?

 Al and Peg watch the TV and tilt their heads to the left.

AL     Ooh!

PEGGY  Their dresses are awfully short. [Al nods] Would you like me to get one of those?

AL     Why? 

 The doorbell rings. 

AL     Get that, hon, will ya?

PEGGY  I'd be honored, Al.

AL     Shh.

 Peggy opens the door to Steve and Marcy.

MARCY  I hope we're not interrupting.

PEGGY  Oh no, come on in. I was just making coffee. Al's watching "Gullible Girls Week" on
       Channel Three.

 They stand behind Al. Steve stares at the TV.



PEGGY  Al, we have company. [Al eats chips and grins at the TV, not answering] It's Steve and
       Marcy. [again no response] You know, if a maniac broke in this house right now and shot me
       dead, Al wouldn't even know.

AL     I'd know.

MARCY  I can't believe you let your husband watch this mindless exploitation of women.

AL     It's not mindless.

PEGGY  Come on, Marcy. You want coffee and cake?

MARCY  Sure.

 They go into the kitchen.

PEGGY  Good. Did you bring cake?

MARCY  No.

PEGGY  Well, we'll use ours.

 Steve sits next to Al.

STEVE  Hey, Al! Doesn't it, uh, bother you to watch this kind of smut in front of your wife?

AL     [laughing] Yeah.

STEVE  You know we learned last Tuesday in Marcy's women's club meeting...

AL     I don't care. Look, Steve, you can't honestly tell me you don't enjoy watching this. I
       mean, look at that leg draped over that flotation device. You don't find that pleasurable?

 Steve sighs.

STEVE  I used to love smut. Oh, wait a second, Al! We went through this before, we got me into a
       lot of trouble.

AL     Damn it, Steve, we're men. It's our God given right to watch sports and smut. Since when
       did we have to apologise for that?

STEVE  I think since the Seventies.

 He digs into the chips.
 Marcy is in the kitchen drinking coffee. Peggy takes a cake out of the fridge.

PEGGY  Cake?

MARCY  No thanks. Doesn't it bother you that he watches things like that?

PEGGY  Not really. 

MARCY  I couldn't stand it. Men shouldn't look at women like pieces of meat.

PEGGY  Well, what actually bothers me is that he doesn't look at ME like a piece of meat anymore.
       He used to, but it's been sixteen years and I guess it's hard to stay interested.

MARCY  Oh, that's ridiculous. If they can follow the same sports team all their lives, they can 
       stay interested in the same women. In our women's group, we have a couple married forty-
       seven years. They still fool around four times a week.

 Peggy looks at Marcy in disbelief.

PEGGY  A week? Al doesn't even brush his teeth four times a week. You know, maybe Al just doesn't
       find me attractive anymore.

MARCY  Peggy, what would you say if I told you I had the answers to all of your problems?

PEGGY  I don't know. I bought one of those and it's just not the same.

 Marcy looks confused. They sit at the kitchen table.

MARCY  Not that. I've been reading this book, "Thinnergy - For Thinness and Energy".

PEGGY  A diet?

MARCY  Oh, it's more than just a diet. It's a way of life. Certain foods add to your energy,
       while other bad foods can actually drain your energy. This book helps you eliminate the
       bad foods. You wake up with energy, [slyly] you go to bed with energy.

PEGGY  What foods drain your energy?

AL     [calling out from the living room] Hey Peg! We got anymore chips?

MARCY  [whispers quickly to Peggy] Potato chips are draining.

PEGGY  No, Al. 

MARCY  You really ought to give it a try. You'll radiate an aura of energy and sexuality that
       even Al can't resist. I can only tell you, it worked for me.

PEGGY  How well did it work for you?

MARCY  Every thirty-six hours!

 Peggy sighs with disbelief and looks at Steve. Steve catches Peggy's eye and gives her a salute.



PEGGY  Hoo!

MARCY  There he is. My little Mount St. Helens.

 Marcy gets up and sits next to Steve.

MARCY  Steve? I think we should go home now and go to bed. 

STEVE  I don't know, I don't really feel like it.

 Marcy gives the bag of chips to Al.

MARCY  Come on, Steve, let's go.

 They start to leave

STEVE  Well! We're gonna go to bed. I think I'll stay up and watch some PBS. Al, what channel
       does "PBS" come on in this neighborhood? [Al holds up three fingers] Thank you!

MARCY  Did you talk any sense into Al?

STEVE  I don't think so, Patsy.

 Marcy looks confused. They exit.
 Peggy walks semi-seductively over to Al and sits on the potato chips. She looks at the TV.

PEGGY  Isn't this over yet?

AL     Almost, they're cramming for finals.

PEGGY  Al, don't you think those girls are a little skinny? Shouldn't a woman have some meat on
       her bones? You have to have something to grab onto.

AL     I don't know, Peg, a lot of guys have been grabbing that one, and nobody's missed yet.

 Peggy gives Al a look.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 The bedroom.
 Peggy is heard in the bathroom.

PEGGY  [singing] I'm in the mood for... [she is heard gargling, then continues singing] ...love. 

 Peggy continues to sing and hum while running around the bedroom, checking herself in the mirror
 and fixing her hair.

PEGGY  Al! Al, you coming up?

AL     In a minute!

PEGGY  [whispers to herself] Okay.

 She pulls back the bed covers to find a pair of striped socks on Al's side of the bed. She rolls
 them up and puts them in his drawer. Then she grabs some perfume and sprays it all over the bed
 and herself.



PEGGY  Al!

AL     In a minute!

PEGGY  [singing] In a minute, just a minute... 

 She puts the perfume away, takes off her slippers and drapes herself onto the bed, ready for Al.
 Al walks into the bedroom with one hand down his pants. He does not look up from the newspaper
 he is reading. Al ignores Peggy and goes into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Peggy 
 looks frustrated.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 Peggy is in the kitchen, tossing a salad and smoking a cigarette. 



Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch, reading the Thinnergy book. 
They slowly look up from the book to Peggy.



KELLY  Bud, this could be the end of life as we know it.

BUD    Oh, don't worry about it, Kel. If you think Dad's going to put up with this diet, they
       should've held you back another grade.

 Kelly gives Bud a look. Al's car is heard pulling onto the drive.

KELLY  Oh, that's him.

 Bud and Kelly go to the door and Kelly looks out through the window.

KELLY  Oh, wow! His sweat stains are giant and he hasn't even said "hi" to Mom yet.

BUD    This is gonna be great!

 Bud opens the door to let in Al, who is anxious for his dinner.

BUD    Hi, Dad. Hungry?

AL     Starving. I didn't have time for lunch, got caught in a traffic jam and had to sit for ten
       minutes staring at a billboard for the best looking burger on a rope I've ever seen! Let's
       eat! [to Peggy] Hi hon!

PEGGY  Hi Al. I've made something different.

AL     I don't care, just slide it in front of me and plenty of it!

PEGGY  Okay, here it comes!

 Peggy places a plate full of salad in front of Al, who doesn't look enthused.



AL     Ah, skip the salad, let's just eat, OK?

PEGGY  That's dinner, Al. You got your riboflavin, folacin, iron and magnesium; all right there.

 Al laughs.

AL     Come on, Peg, Where's my food?

PEGGY  That's it, Al. Now, you finish that and you can have a Granola Bar for dessert.

KELLY  Oooh, beats the heck out of the pie we usually have, huh, Dad?

AL     Okay, Peg, what I do?

PEGGY  Nothing. It's good food. It's gonna make us much healthier and much more energetic. Try
       it.

AL     Sure.

 Al takes a single piece of food off his plate and eats it.

AL     Gee, you know, you're right, I doubted you, but I feel a burst of energy coming. Here it
       comes now!

 Al gets up and puts his food, along with the plate, into the bin.

AL     Here comes another wave! [he turns to face Peg] What are doing to me? I work, I want food.
       You know what food is? It's hot stuff that you put in your mouth, it smells good, you
       swallow it and you want more. That's what food is.

PEGGY  Al, the children are here.

AL     Oh, I'm sorry.

 Al takes Bud and Kelly's plates and puts them into the bin.



AL     Now, I'm gonna watch the news, and when it's over, I want some form of dead animal on my
       plate.

 Al sits on the couch and turns on the TV.

TV     [French accent] And the melted cheese marries itself to the juices of the succulent steak.

 Al turns off the TV.

AL     And I want that dead animal to be succulent, Peg.

PEGGY  We have nothing "succulent", Al, I threw it all out.

AL     You threw away my food??? That I loved, that I paid for!?



PEGGY  Kids, I think you ought to go upstairs for a while.

BUD    Oh Mom, we would, but we don't have the energy.

PEGGY  GET UPSTAIRS!

 Bud and Kelly run upstairs and sit on the landing, watching Al and Peg. Al walks back into the
 kitchen and sits down at the table.

AL     You were saying that you threw out my food?

PEGGY  Well, excuse me for trying to improve the quality of our life.

AL     You're excused, now give me meat.

PEGGY  Al, I am going on this diet. If you don't want to, you don't have to.

AL     I don't want to.

PEGGY  You are going on this diet.

AL     Oh, no I'm not.

PEGGY  Oh, yes you are.

AL     Oh, no I'm not.

PEGGY  Oh, yes you are!

KELLY  I can't believe it. This is all happening just because Mom wants affection.

BUD    Then why doesn't she just go to the mall like you?

 Kelly smacks Bud then walks upstairs.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 The Bundys are having breakfast. Al is seen relentlessly pouring sugar over his cereal. Al then
 passes the sugar to Kelly, who does the same thing. Bud is busy putting heaps of jam onto a
 slice of bread. Peggy is sitting back, eating a carrot.



PEGGY  You know, this carrot is delicious. Did you know that carrots have a natural sweetness?
       It's much better than what you're eating.

 No one listens to her. Bud pours sugar over his bread and cereal.

PEGGY  And this water here; it comes from a natural spring. It is the perfect complement to the
       natural sweetness of this carrot. I guess that's why I feel so good.

AL     [with his mouth full] What do you kids want for supper?

KELLY  [with her mouth full] Pizza.

BUD    [with his mouth full] ... With meatballs!

PEGGY  I'm having grapefruit... with water. [picks up a big bottle of water] Natural spring water.
       [pauses, and then gets jealous] Get out!




ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 The shoe store. Luke slides two wedges under the legs of one of the chairs. He then sits back
 on his stool to view the adjustment. Luke seems happy with the result.



 Al enters.

AL     Hey, Luke.

LUKE   Hey, Al.

 They hold up their hands to high five, but don't.

LUKE  Hey Al, let me ask you a question: if you came home at night and found your wife in bed
      with another guy, would you get mad?

AL    I'd kill him.

LUKE  Oh, so I guess this guy didn't overreact.

 Al sits down in the chair Luke just remodelled and seems puzzled about the new slope.

LUKE   You look a little piqued, Al babe. All night romp with the little lady?

AL     More or less. She's been yelling at me since one o'clock this morning. Yeah, she's on some
       stupid diet. I guess it makes them moody.

LUKE   Well, I can't sympathise.

AL     There's a shock.

 Al walks over to the counter and starts writing.

LUKE   Yep. See, I can eat whatever I want and never gain a pound. My body's great. I can abuse
       it and it keeps coming back for more. Hey, you know what else is great about me?



AL     Shut up.

 A pretty girl, Sandy, enters the store.

SANDY  Can someone help me, please?

LUKE   Yes, Miss, the modelling agency's a few doors down.

SANDY  Oh no, I'm not a model, I just need shoes.

LUKE   Ho ho! [to Al] My mistake! [to Sandy] Anyhow, sit right here.

 Luke shows Sandy to his specially angled chair and Sandy falls backwards into it.
 Steve comes in, calling Al.

STEVE  Al! Al. Hi. Uh, listen, uh, I haven't got much time, I'm on my lunch break. Do you
       remember that movie we were watching the other night?

AL     "Patsy: Portrait of a Stewardess in Training."

STEVE  Thank you!

 Steve starts to leave, but Al calls him back.

AL     Hey, wait a sec. I gotta ask you a question.

STEVE  Uh, look Al, I've only got five more minutes. I gotta get to the tape store.

AL     This will only take a second. Your wife gave my wife a book. Now my life is hell.

STEVE  Aha, "Thinnergy".

AL     Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?

STEVE  Well, yes Al, she does. But that's not why she gave Peggy the book; it was to help you
       guys... and you are looking thinner.

AL     I'm not on the stupid diet!

STEVE  Oooh, Al, you have to. She can't go through this alone. She needs support. Your support,
       big guy! [Steve motions for Al to lean closer] If you were to try this diet, for even one
       week, you would show her that you care. Then if you were both 'on' it, you could both go
       'off' it... together. "Together" is the key word, Al.



AL     So, all I gotta do is starve and be miserable for a week, then my life would go back to
       the normal hell it always was. 

STEVE  I firmly believe that, Al. See, today's woman is strong, but now and then even she needs a
       little assurance.
  
LUKE   Hey guys, come here a sec.

 Luke and Sandy walk over to Al and Steve.

LUKE   Sandy's on her why to a job interview, she's a little self-conscious. Can you tell she's
       not wearing a bra?

 Al and Steve take a closer look.



STEVE  No, can't tell.
AL     Nope, no.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Al and Peggy are eating Thinnergy food and looking miserable. Kelly looks at them puzzled, then
 walks over to Bud. Bud and Kelly start to put on their jackets.

KELLY  I can't believe that he's been on this diet for two days.

BUD    Yep, two days, ten fights, and they haven't even got to Radish Day yet.

KELLY  I really hate to see them like this.

BUD    Then, why don't you try talk some sense into them? They'll listen to you.

KELLY  Yeah... it's worth a try.

 Kelly walks over to them.

KELLY  Mom, Dad...

AL     You're grounded!
PEGGY  You're grounded!



 Kelly looks steamed but Bud remains calm.

BUD    Well I'm going out now. See ya, Kel!

 Bud leaves. Kelly marches up the stairs, taking off her jacket.

KELLY  [to herself] I'm hungry, too, but you don't see ME biting anyone's head off!

AL     More kale, dear?

PEGGY  Did I ask for more kale? [pause] More broccoli?

AL     Did I ask for more broccoli?

PEGGY  You know, Al, the book says we're gonna go through grouchy periods as the toxins leave our
       bodies. Yours, of course, has a longer trip than mine! But anyway, the books says whenever 
       we feel an argument coming on, we're supposed to stop and share a nice memory.

 They stare blankly.



AL     Hey. Remember that time when we were dating? We took that walk on Oak Street Beach at
       sunset? The wind was blowing through your hair, you got cold, so I gave you back your
       jacket. And we fed the pigeons, and held hands and watched the moon come up.

PEGGY  Oh yeah.

 They smile for a moment, then stop and resume their dinner.

AL     More kale, dear?


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 The bedroom.
 Peggy is sitting in front of the mirror, grooming herself. Al is sitting at the foot of bed,
 looking through the TV Guide.

AL     Wanna watch Carson? It's a special show, it's a repeat of his Salute To Charles Nelson
       Riley.

PEGGY  Al, did I ever tell you that the sound of your voice irritates the hell out of me?

AL     No, honey, you didn't. In that case there's only one thing I'll have to do. I'll just have 
       to shut up. Yep, I'll just have to be quiet, because if there's one thing I don't want to
       do, it's irritate you. Not my little Peggy. [Al stands behind Peggy and starts flicking
       her hair] Because if she's irritated, then I'm irritated, then if she's unhappy, I'm
       unhappy!

 Peggy slams down her brush.

PEGGY  [forcing a smile] Al, sweetie, what's that song you hate?

AL     Don't do it, Peg.

 Peggy stands and starts singing Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey" to Al.

PEGGY  [singing] See the tree, how big it's grown...

AL     [pleading] No, Peg, please.

PEGGY  [still singing] ... when it hasn't been too long, it wasn't big. 

AL     [threatening] Alright!

 Al turns his back to Peggy and storms across the bedroom.
 
PEGGY  [still singing] I laughed at her and she got mad... [sits on the bed] First day that she
       planted it... [Al holds up a pair of nail clippers] it was just a twig. 



       [Al sits on the bed, next to Peggy, waving the clippers in her face] And Honey... [pauses,
       with dread] Errrgh. [Peggy, determined, continues to sing] And Honey I miss you... [Al
       holds his foot up to Peg's face and begins to cut his toenails] ...And I'm being good.
       And I'd love to be with you, if only I could.
       [Peggy pauses as Al bends down to pick up one of her shoes. He holds it up and puts his
       toenail clippings in it.



       Peggy reacts with disgust and changes the song] I am woman, hear me roar, [Al screams in 
       agony] in numbers too big to ignore! And I've done much to find...

AL     Alright, you win! [Peggy stops singing] It's a low blow, but you win.

 Peggy, triumphant, gets up and goes to sit at her dressing table. She checks her nails, then
 starts singing again.

PEGGY  Dominique, nique, ni! Domi-nachi gone so long...

AL     [cutting her off] Peg! You won, there's no need to spike the ball. [Al gets up off the
       bed] You know, you've been acting very snippy lately.

PEGGY  [snaps] Have I?

 They get ready for bed.

AL     Yep! And I think I know what you need.

PEGGY  Oh, really?

AL     Hm hmm. [Al kneels on the bed] Something that always makes you feel better. [Peggy stares
       at him somewhat eagerly] Make yourself comfortable. [Al takes Peggy's hand] Right here.
       [Peggy sits on the bed] That's right. Lie down, [Peggy lies on the bed, bewildered] I'll
       be right back. [Al starts to leave] Don't go away!

 Al exits the room.
 Peggy looks delighted. She leaps out of bed, takes off her robe, and pulls back the bed covers
 to find another of Al's striped socks.



 This time, she quickly throws it behind her. She grabs the perfume to spray herself and the bed. 
 Peggy drapes herself on the bed again. Al returns and is hiding something behind his back.

AL     Close your eyes, Honey.

 Peggy closes her eyes. Al reveals what he had behind his back: a cream-filled chocolate eclair.
 He lies next to Peggy and force feeds it to her. Peggy screams with disgust.

 

AL     Eat it! Eat it all! Eat it!
PEGGY  Aaaarrrghhhhhhhh!

 Peggy sits up and takes the eclair, licking off all the cream.

PEGGY  Oh Al! Oh Al, that's disgusting! [she begins to like the eclair] Mmmmmm. [continues to
       eat] Al, this is not what I wanted. You ruined everything.

AL     What do you mean "ruined"? Our lives were already ruined. [makes a move for the eclair]
       Gimme some of that.

PEGGY  Get your own.


 
AL     No, Peg, I don't know what you're on a diet for anyway. You don't need to lose any weight.

PEGGY  Well, I had to do something; [She puts the eclair on her bedside table and takes a tissue
       to wipe the cream from her fingers] you don't find me attractive anymore.

AL     So?

PEGGY  "So"?! So you don't find me attractive anymore?

AL     Oh gee, Peg, of course I do, I think you're great lookin'.

PEGGY  Then, why haven't we, uh... you know... it's been a long time, Al.

AL     Oh, Honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya?

 Al puts his arm around Peggy and they lie back on the bed.

AL     Let me tell you something: Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I
       don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful, like that girl on TV,
       I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife! [Peggy looks at him] Don't stiffen on me, Peg.
       Let me tell you what I mean: You remember that baseball glove my dad gave me when I was
       a little kid? [Peggy nods] I love that glove. Yeah, it's old and the web's loose, but it's
       special to me. That's how I feel about you, Peg. [Peggy looks happy] I may not tell you
       all the time, but - I love you. I wouldn't do anything to change you. I think you're
       great. Just the way you are. [they kiss] ...So's my glove. 



       [Peggy kisses Al's neck] I'll have to take it out more and play catch with Bud. [Al is 
       distracted by Peggy's kisses] Oh, I like that, oh, that feels good. Hey, remember the American
       league play-offs last year? Y'know, a lot of fly-balls were popping out of gloves, for home 
       runs. I think it's because the modern gloves are too big. [they kiss again] Never would've 
       happen to Willie Mays, know why? Willie had a small glove. Just like mine.

 Al turns off the light and embraces Peggy.

 

THE END


EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: RICHARD GURMAN
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN

DIRECTED BY: LINDA DAY
WRITTEN BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITORS: SANDY SPRUNG & MARCY VOSBOURGH
CASTING BY: MARC HIRSCHFELD, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
                    PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
MUSIC SUPERVISION: DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: GERRY COHEN 
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, GARY RAMIREZ
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
UNIT MANAGER: STEVE McINTIRE
TECHNICAL MANAGER: TUG RENCHER
PRODUCTION SERVICES CO-ORDINATOR: MICHELLE BURRAGE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: JIM RALSTON
LIGHTING DIRECTORS: MARK BUXBAUM 
AUDIO: NICK KLEISSAS
VIDEOTAPE EDITORS: ROGER AMES BERGER
RE-RECORDING: TAMARA JOHNSON, CARROLL PRATT
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY: FRAN McCONNELL
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTRE IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT (C) 1987
EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production