BY
Ron Leavitt
&
Michael G. Moye



ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - MORNING

(IT IS A MODESTLY DECORATED, WORKIN' MAN'S HOME, PROBABLY IN A WORKIN' MAN'S SECTION OF CHICAGO.
 WE SEE THE LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN AREA. IN THE KITCHEN IS THE WORKIN' MAN'S  WIFE. SHE IS NOT
 WORKING. HER NAME IS PEGGY BUNDY. SHE SITS, SIPPING COFFEE. A PRETTY SIXTEEN-YEAR OLD GIRL,
 KELLY BUNDY, SITS ON THE COUCH, COPYING SOMEONE'S HOMEWORK. AN ENGLISH MUFFIN SITS ON A PAPER
 PLATE ON THE COFFEE TABLE. A BEAT OR SO, THEN AL BUNDY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS. HE CARRIES A
 LITTLE POTTED CACTUS. HE HAS A BANDAID ON HIS PALM. HE CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN)

AL      Hey, Hon. Is this your little cactus?

PEGGY   Uh huh.

AL      Any particular reason you put it where the alarm clock used to be?

PEGGY   I thought it would dress up the room. Gee, I meant to tell you to be careful before you
        slammed your hand on the alarm this morning.

AL      (LAUGHS FALSELY) Wellll, you didn't.

PEGGY   I'm sorry.

AL      (SARCASTIC) Then it's okay. (HE CROSSES TO THE COUCH) Hi, Kelly.

KELLY   Hi, Daddy. (SHE NOTICES HIS BANDAID) What happened?

AL      (OFF HAND) Your mother tried to kill me. What're you doing?

KELLY   My homework.

AL      Kell, I thought we talked about this before. If you wait until the last minute to do
        things, you always wind up rushing and you never do your best. And I want you to do your
        best.

KELLY   I will, Daddy. But right now I'm doing my homework, okay?

AL      Good girl.

(KELLY GRUNTS. AL NOTICES KELLY'S ENGLISH MUFFIN)

AL      Hey, that looks good. Peg. Make me an English muffin?

PEGGY   Al, you know you're supposed to watch your weight. Now, are you sure you really want one?

AL      Yes!

PEGGY   We have no more. Kelly got the last one.

AL      Kell?

KELLY   I'm gonna eat it, Daddy.

AL      Good girl.

(HE SIGHS AND CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN. HE STARES AT PEGGY WHO IS STILL SIPPING COFFEE AND READING
 THE PAPER. HE OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR AND LOOKS INSIDE)

AL      Where's Ben?

PEGGY   Who?

AL      Your son.

PEGGY   Oh. He's getting dressed for school. By the way, he's got Show and Tell today at school.
        So when you come home tonight, if there's a can of beer missing, and you can't find the 
        remote control, that's where they are.

(AL REACTS. WE SEE A TEN YEAR OLD BOY, BEN BUNDY, COME STEALTHILY DOWN THE STAIRS. HE WEARS
 CAMOUFLAGE CLOTHES. UNSEEN, HE LAYS ON THE FLOOR, AND, RUBBER KNIFE IN MOUTH, HE CRAWLS ON HIS
 BELLY UP BEHIND THE COUCH. WE DON'T SEE HIM FOR A SECOND. A BEAT, THEN WE SEE HIS HAND REACH UP,
 GRAB HIS SISTER'S HAIR AND PULL HER HEAD BACK. HE "SLITS" HER THROAT WITH HIS RUBBER KNIFE)

KELLY   Let go of my hair, you little psychopath.

PEGGY   Ben. Stop it! Al?

AL      Ben. Stop it.

BEN     (TO KELLY) They won't always be here. 

(KELLY GOES FOR HIM OVER THE COUCH) 

BEN     Mom!

PEGGY   Kelly... Al?

AL      Kelly.

KELLY   (TO AL AND PEGGY) You're not going to have any more kids, are you?

AL/PEG  No.

(BEN GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. PEGGY TAKES HIS KNIFE AND GIVES HIM HIS LUNCHBOX)

AL      Ben. I thought we talked about this before.

BEN     What's that, Dad?

AL      Y'know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her. Y'know.
        Remember the effect it had on Grandma? Nobody likes it, nobody thinks it's funny. So cut
        it out, okay?

BEN     Sure, Dad.

PEGGY   Al, he always promises and then the next day, he's back, stalking her again. Ben, I'm
        telling you for the last time...

AL      Peg, honey. I'm handling this. I'm not through talking to him. (TAKES BEN ASIDE. SOTTO)
        Ben, the Lakers are in town to play the Bulls. The Lakers are minus four tonight. Who do
        you like?

BEN     Well, Kareem's old, he couldn't rebound when he was young. Worthy pops out on the fast
        break so he takes himself off the boards. Game's won under the basket, Dad.

AL      (APPRECIATIVE) Thanks, Son.

PEGGY   Does he understand, Al?

AL      I think he's got it, hon! (THEN, IN A REGULAR TONE) And another thing. I don't want you
        going to school like that.

BEN     All the kids look like this.

AL      I don't care what all the kids look like. Now go upstairs and change.

BEN     Okay, Dad.

SFX: HORN FROM SCHOOL BUS OUTSIDE

BEN     Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

AL      Bye.

PEGGY   Bye, honey.

(BEN HEADS OUT. KELLY GETS UP. SHE AND HER PARENTS AD-LIB GOODBYES. THE KIDS HEAD OUT THE DOOR.
 BEN IS BEHIND KELLY. AT THE DOOR HE HITS HER IN THE BACK OF THE KNEE WITH HIS LUNCHBOX AND RUNS
 OUT. SHE CHASES HIM)

AL      Y'know, the Lakers are on TV tonight.

PEGGY   (SARCASTIC) You're kidding.

AL      Well, it's not as exciting as your "Cookin' with Clyde the Cajun", show. But at least it
        gives me a reason to come home.

PEGGY   That's sweet, honey. Al, do you have to leave the refrigerator door open? I'm getting a
        draft.

AL      Oh, sorry. Maybe I'll just look for some food in the dishwasher. (BEAT) We have no juice.

PEGGY   Oh. I didn't buy any. I didn't have time.

AL      Oh. Well, that happens. I understand. (HE SITS) You don't have a job or anything, do you?

PEGGY   Well, I do sandpaper the stains out of your shirts, and battle your socks and underwear
        into the washing machine. But I guess that is more of an adventure than a job.

AL      What's that got to do with juice?

PEGGY   Al, you know there's a store on your way home from work.

AL      Why didn't I think of that? Sure. I don't mind doing the shopping too. Anything else I
        can do to make your life a little easier?

PEGGY   You could shave your back.

AL      Hey. That hair is there for a reason. It keeps you off me at night.

PEGGY   C'mon, Al. Let's not start. We were having such a nice morning.

AL      Yeahh, you're right. I'm sorry. It's just that I got a hard day of work ahead of me and I 
        got nothing to eat to get me going.

PEGGY   It's my fault, I know. But tonight I'll make sure there's food in the house.

AL      And juice.

PEGGY   Right.

(SHE NOTICES THE UNTOUCHED ENGLISH MUFFIN ON THE COFFEE TABLE)

PEGGY   Oh.

(SHE PICKS UP THE MUFFIN AND HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN. AL SMILES, THINKING IT'S FOR HIM. SHE DUMPS
 IT IN THE GARBAGE. HE REACTS)

PEGGY   Those kids. I hate wasting food. Have a nice day, honey.

(HE LOOKS SADLY AT THE MUFFIN IN THE GARBAGE, GETS HIS COAT AND HEADS OUT THE DOOR)

AL      (MUMBLES) There better be juice when I get home.

(HE EXITS)


DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BOB'S SHOES & ACCESSORIES FOR TODAY'S WOMAN - DAY

(ONE OF TODAY'S WOMEN IS TRYING ON SOME SHOES. SHE IS MIDDLE-AGED AND HEAVY-SET. THERE ARE MOUNDS 
 OF OPEN SHOE BOXES AND A HARRIED AL IN FRONT OF HER. HER SON, ABOUT EIGHT-YEARS OLD, IS
 HAMMERING ON THE FLOOR WITH THE HIGH HEEL OF AN EXPENSIVE SHOE. A COUPLE OF WOMEN CUSTOMERS ARE
 WAITING)

WOMAN   I don't care what your little ruler says. I've been a seven since I graduated from High
        School.

AL      Well, these are sevens. The box says nine because, well, uh...look lady. You're a nine. I
        can accept it. Why can't you?

WOMAN   You're very fresh.

AL      That's impossible, ma'am. Because for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot 
        into a shoe when I really should have been easing them into a box. So, no, I'd say I'm
        anything but fresh. (INDICATES HER SON) By the way. You want to tell John Henry over
        there to give the hundred dollar pumps a rest.

WOMAN   Your ad says courteous service. 

AL      That's not my ad, ma'am. That was the former owner's. He was killed tragically when a
        size nine exploded in his face on this very spot.

WOMAN   (TO KID) Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.

KID     (TO AL) I want a balloon.

AL      (LOOKS AT WOMAN) You've already got one. Who's next?

(THE WOMAN AND HER SON EXIT. A FRUMPY WOMAN RAISES HER HAND. A BEAT, THEN A GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN
 HIS MID-THIRTIES, LUKE VENTURA, ENTERS. HE CROSSES TO AL. AL SEES HIM AND HOLDS UP ONE FINGER
 FOR THE WOMAN TO WAIT)

LUKE    Hey, Al. Woo, am I beat.

AL      Luke, you just came back from lunch.

LUKE    Well, yea, but it took me three hours.

AL      You know I don't like being in the store by myself. Just too many feet.

LUKE    See, Al. There's your problem right there. If only you had gone to bed with that cute
        little blonde that was in this morning instead of me, you might feel a little better.
        Man, I'm hungry.

AL      You were makin' it with some broad for three hours while I was knee deep in cheesy feet?

LUKE    Al, she was beggin' for it. They're all beggin' for it.

(THE FRUMPY LADY RAISES HER HAND)

LADY    Can someone help me?

LUKE    See? Even she's beggin' for it. She's just gonna wait longer.

(AL HOLDS UP ONE FINGER FOR HER TO WAIT)

AL      How can you be happy sleeping with every woman you meet? I'll tell you, as your friend, I
        can't wait till you get married. Yeah. A wife and kids who adore you. A wife. Kids. The
        list goes on and on. It's just seeing their faces light up in the morning when they see
        you. They can't do enough for you. I'm tellin' you, it's heaven on earth.

LUKE    (INDICATING AL'S BANDAID) What happened to your hand?

AL      Love bite. I'll tell you, I got more than I can handle. Woooh.

(AL REACTS TO THE SIGHT OF A PRETTY GIRL WHO ENTERS THE STORE)

AL      I'll take that one.

LUKE    Al. I can't let you. It's not fair to her. You'd just get her taut with desire, and then
        you'd drop the bombshell, "I'm a happily married man." Women aren't that strong, Al. Me,
        I'm just gonna abuse her and toss her out in the street. They can take that.

(HE PATS AL ON THE BACK, AND CROSSES TO THE PRETTY GIRL. AL SIGHS, AND GOES TO THE FRUMPY WOMAN)

WOMAN2  Excuse me. Do you have a soft leather loafer in size 4?

(AL LOOKS DOWN AT HER FEET AND REACTS)

AL      I think so. But, listen. If the box says "eight" that just means there's two fours in
        there.

WOMAN2  Thank you.

AL      Yeah, yeah.

(HE WALKS TO A WALL OF SHOEBOXES BY WHERE LUKE WAITS ON THE PRETTY GIRL. HE MUTTERS AS HE GOES)

AL      And while I'm at it, how about a size 32 belt for your finger.

(HE LOOKS FOR THE RIGHT SHOES)

LUKE    (TO GIRL) I'm sure you've been told this before, but you have the feet of a movie star.

GIRL    Really?

(AL REACTS)

LUKE    Hey, Al. Meet Tawny. Al's married.

(LUKE AND THE GIRL LAUGH. AL REACTS. DURING THE FOLLOWING, TAWNY LOOKS AT HER FEET AS IF SEEING
 THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME)

LUKE    Listen, Al. I forgot to tell you. I got an extra ticket for the Bulls-Lakers game
        tonight. Court level. Wanna go?

AL      Hell, yeah.

LUKE    You sure your wife'll let you go?

AL      I'd like to see her try and stop me.

(THE GUYS LAUGH. LUKE HANDS HIM A TICKET)

AL      I really appreciate this, Luke. 

LUKE    Hey, we're buddies. (BEAT) Listen. Me and Tawny are going out for a quick lunch. I'll be
        back in a few hours.

(THEY START OUT) 

LUKE    Aw, hell. I'll meet you at the game.

(LUKE AND TAWNY EXIT. AL TAKES A BOX DOWN. A BEAT THEN SIX HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS ENTER)

GIRL1   (TO FRIENDS) Let's drive this guy crazy until the bus comes.

(THEY CONVERGE ON AL)


DISSOLVE TO:

(INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - EVENING)

(PEGGY SITS ON THE COUCH, HER FEET UP. THERE ARE SEVERAL EMPTY CANDY WRAPPERS ON THE TABLE. THE
 TV IS ON. A COUPLE OF BEATS, THEN WE HEAR A CAR PULLING UP, PICKS UP THE POCKETS THE WRAPPERS,
 TURNS OFF THE TV. PICKS UP THE VACUUM CLEANER AND STARTS TO VACUUM. A BEAT, THEN HER HUSBAND, AL
 BUNDY, ENTERS)

PEGGY   Hi, honey.

AL      Hi. Workin' hard?

PEGGY   Well, yes. But you know, I like to keep the house clean.

(HE SITS ON THE COUCH AND SIGHS. SHE TURNS OFF THE VACUUM AND SITS NEXT TO HIM)

PEGGY   Hard day?

AL      Yeah. You?

PEGGY   Yeah.

(AL PUTS HIS HAND ON THE TOP OF THE TV SET. IT'S WARM. HE NODS)

AL      Must've been. Even the TV's sweating. Get me some juice, okay?

PEGGY   Oh. That's what I forgot to do.

(AL STEAMS FOR A SECOND, THEN CALMS DOWN)

AL      Ah, it's okay. Juice isn't important. Listen, honey. I know you've been busy around the
        house all day (TOUCHES TV AGAIN) so you don't have to worry about making me dinner. I
        have a little surprise for you. I'm going to the ballgame tonight.

(HE GIVES HER A LITTLE PECK ON THE CHEEK AND GOES FOR HIS JACKET)

PEGGY   Uh, Al...

AL      Hmm?

PEGGY   You're not going to the game tonight.

AL      Sure I am. See, let me explain something to you. I work all day. And when someone
        works all day, they need to have some fun at night. I don't really expect you to
        understand any of this, but trust me, I'm your husband and I know best.

(HE GIVES HER A QUICK PECK ON THE CHEEK AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR)

PEGGY   Isn't staying home with me fun?

(A BEAT, THEN HE GIVES HER ANOTHER QUICK PECK ON THE CHEEK)

AL      Don't wait up.

(HE STARTS OUT AGAIN. SHE STOPS HIM)

PEGGY   Al.

(SHE GIVES HIM A KISS ON THE CHEECK)

PEGGY   You're not going to the game.

AL      Oh, I see. You misunderstood me. You must have thought I said, "Honey, is it okay with
        you if I go to the game". Y'know, like a question. There is no question about this.

PEGGY   No, there isn't. You can't go to the game.

AL      Why not?

PEGGY   'Cause I invited company over.

AL      Company? Who the hell would possibly want to come over here?

PEGGY   You know the honeymoon couple who moved in next door?

AL      No.

PEGGY   Well, I invited them over. I thought I told you.

AL      You didn't.

(PEGGY SHRUGS)

AL      Look. I worked hard all day. The last thing I want is to spend the whole evening with
        people I don't know.

(HE LOOKS AT PEGGY)

AL      Well, second to last.

PEGGY   Look. They're here and they're new in the neighborhood. They've lived here two months and 
        they have no friends. We've lived here fifteen years, and we have no friends. Al, I want
        to have friends.

AL      Wait a second. You're implying it's my fault you have no friends?

PEGGY   Oh, no. It's me who sits in front of the TV, burping, with my hand thrust down my pants.

AL      You keep it cold in this house, Peg.

PEGGY   Look let's not get into a fight about this. I expect you to be nice.

AL      I'm gonna be real nice. How's this for nice? I'm not even gonna be here. I'm going to the 
        game.
	
PEGGY   Al. Before you go, I'd just like to say three things. The bank book is in both our names.
        The credit cards are in both our names. The stores are still open.

(AL SIGHS, PUTS HIS JACKET BACK ON THE HOOK, CROSSES AND SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH)

AL      (BEAT. ANGRY) Why didn't you get me juice?

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - A SHORT TIME LATER

(AL AND PEGGY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. AL IS UNHAPPY)

AL      The kids gone?

PEGGY   Yes, but they'll be back.

AL      Oh. (BEAT) I can't believe you invited these people over tonight. I hate company.

PEGGY   Would you for once think about me? I'm at home alone all day. You're out there around 
        people all the time. I need some fun too.

AL      Too? (SARCASTIC) Sure, on the surface, selling women's shoes is fun, but once you cut
        through all the hype, the myths, the glamour, it's really very much like any minimum wage
        paying slow death.

PEGGY   Well, then I don't understand why you're not excited about this evening.

AL      I could've gone to the game.

(THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND BEN ENTERS. HE CROSSES TO THE COUCH)

BEN     Hi, Mom. Dad, can I have ten dollars?

AL      What for?

BEN     I could lie to you and tell you I needed it for books and things, but I'm not that kind
        of kid. I want it to have a good time.

AL      Y'know, Ben, when I was a kid I had to earn my money. Did you ever, once think about
        earning your money?

BEN     Okay, Dad. You want to know who Kelly was with this afternoon?

AL      Who?

(BEN STICKS OUT HIS HAND. AL PUTS TEN DOLLARS IN IT)

BEN     You know the kid they call Angel Eyes? The guy with the sore on his mouth?

(AL REACTS, THEN GIVES BEN ANOTHER FIVE)

AL      Good work, son.

BEN     Thanks, Dad.

(HE HEADS OUT)

AL      Where are you going?

BEN     Joey's Dad is waiting for me outside. We're going to the basketball game tonight. Mom
        said it was okay.

(BEN EXITS. AL LOOKS AT PEGGY)

PEGGY   The Lakers are in town. He really wanted to go.

(AL FUMES. A BEAT, THEN KELLY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)

KELLY   Hi, Mom. Dad, can I have twenty dollars?

AL      (CASUAL) Who were you with today?

KELLY   Nobody.

AL      Does "nobody" have a name? Y'know, Tom, Dick... Angel Eyes with a sore on his mouth?

KELLY   It's not one of those sores. Angel just fell off his skateboard. By the way, Ben knows
        about that. So if he comes in and tries to sucker some money out of you, you've been
        forewarned.

(SHE STICKS HER HAND OUT FOR MONEY. HE GIVES HER SOME)

AL      (AVOIDING LOOKING AT PEGGY) Thanks, honey.

(SHE STARTS OUT)

AL      Where are you going tonight?

KELLY   Me and Cobra are going to the drive-in.

AL      Cobra? (TO PEGGY) She's dating a guy named after a reptile?

PEGGY   Al. His real name is Stanley. They only call him "Cobra" because he has one painted on
        his van.

AL      And you find this acceptable?

PEGGY   I've met him and he's a very nice boy.

SFX: HISSING HORN

KELLY   That's his horn, Daddy. Isn't it great? I guess that's why I fell in love with him. Bye,
        Mom. Bye, Dad.

(SHE EXITS)

PEGGY	We must've done something right. We raised two great kids.

SFX: HISSING HORN, THEN A VAN PEELING OUT

AL	I'm sorry, honey. I didn't hear you. I was just thinking of killing myself.

PEGGY	Al, how do you think that makes me feel?

(HE GIVES HER A DISGUSTED LOOK, THEN)

AL	Look. It's time for the pre-game show.

(HE GOES FOR THE TV. SHE STOPS HIM)

PEGGY   No you don't. Every time we have company, you turn on the TV and immediately separate
        yourself. Well, not tonight. You can always watch a basketball game. 

AL      Oh. (SARCASTIC) But I couldn't always meet our next door neighbors. (MUMBLES) Thanks. Now 
        I see.

SFX: DOORBELL

PEGGY   That must be Steve and Marcy from next door.

AL      Steve and Marcy? I'm going to miss a game for people named Steve and Marcy? What's their
        last name? Gorme?

PEGGY   And that's another thing, Al. When they're in here, I don't want you making snide
        comments. That's why we have no friends. You know, every conversation I have with people
        in the neighborhood starts with, "you poor woman".

AL      Now wait a second, Peg. I thought we had no friends because I put my hands down my pants.

SFX: DOORBELL

PEGGY   You're just obnoxious. I mean, even my father knows. He was over today and he said he
        can't stand coming over at night when you're home.

AL      Oh. How much did he need today?

PEGGY   Fifty dollars.

AL      You give it to him?

PEGGY   Of course. He's my father.

SFX: DOORBELL

PEGGY   Get the door.

AL      (MUMBLES) Get my juice.

PEGGY   Be nice. And don't drink or eat anything. One of them may have to use the bathroom after
        you.

(HE OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE AND MARCY RHOADES, A COUPLE IN THEIR EARLY THIRTIES. THEY AD-LIB
 HELLOS. THE COUPLE LOOKS AROUND)

MARCY   You have a beautiful home.

AL      So do you. Come on in.

PEGGY   Why don't we sit down?

(THEY SIT)

PEGGY   Gee, I'm kind of embarrassed. We don't have anything to serve you.

AL      Yeah. Listen, if you're hungry, there's a store a few blocks away. If you go, get me some
        juice, okay?

PEGGY   He's only kidding. Al's a little mad because I didn't have time to do the shopping.

MARCY   You know, Steve and I decided to share the household chores.

AL      Gee, that's great.

PEGGY   You see, Al? Steve helps around the house.

AL      Way to go, Steve. Listen, who do you like to win the NBA Championship this year?

STEVE   Well, Al, to tell the truth, since we got married, I don't watch much sports. Marcy
        doesn't like sports and we decided we'll only do things we both like.

MARCY   I feel sports glorify violence and competition and I don't feel it's psychologically
        healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that, "winning is the
        only thing" attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.

AL      Yeah, the kid's gonna have a real shot at life. (UNDER HIS BREATH) Gonna neuter him, too?

STEVE   Do you two have any kids?

AL      Two.

MARCY   Where are they?

AL      (OFF HAND) I don't know. So Steve, life seems like it's really shaping up for you. How
        long you two crazy kids been married?

STEVE   Two months.

AL      Wow. Well, Marce, what can I say? (INDICATES STEVE) You've got a heck of a piece of clay
        here to work with.

PEGGY   (JUMPING IN) We've been married fifteen years.

(THE RHOADES MAKE APPRECIATIVE SOUNDS)

STEVE   What's your secret?

PEGGY   Well, it's no secret, really. You just have to be considerate. Accept each other for what
        you are. Get used to the toilet seat being up when it should be down, down when it should
        be up.

(THE GIRLS AND STEVE LAUGH. AL STARES HATEFULLY AT ALL OF THEM)

AL      (CHUCKLES) Yeah, Getting used to their pantyhose in the sink when you're shaving, on the
        rod when you're showering... in the car when you're driving. You laugh it off.

(HE GIVES A LITTLE LAUGH)

PEGGY   Marcy, I'll get us some coffee.

MARCY   I'll help.

(STEVE STARTS TO GET UP. AL PUSHES HIM DOWN. THE GIRLS EXIT TO THE KITCHEN)

AL      (PLOUGHING ON) And the way, when you're sitting there, thinking, and they come over and
        say (MIMICS A WOMAN) "What are you thinking?" (NORMAL VOICE) and you start thinkin', "if
        I wanted you to know, I'd be talkin'." (SNORTS A LITTLE LAUGH) But you can't actually say
        that, 'cause then they'd kill you. And they're allowed, too. It's that whole period,
        P.M.S. thing. I'm no doctor, but I think P.M.S. means open season on men. Does your wife
        buy you juice, Steve?


ANGLE ON:

KITCHEN
(PEGGY AND MARCY ARE MAKING INSTANT COFFEE. PEGGY IS POURING SPOONFULLS OF COFFEE INTO A CUP)

MARCY   Isn't that an awful lot of coffee you're putting in there?

PEGGY   (OFF HAND) Yes. That's for them. Ours will be good. See, if they enjoy eating and
        drinking at home, they never take you out anywhere. With men, if you ask them for
        something, you'll never get it. But if you do some damage to their internal organs,
        you've got a shot. If it doesn't work, what have you lost? (GIVES HER A CUP) Fill this
        with tap water, please?

(MARCY GOES TO THE SINK)

MARCY   Well, I have to be honest. So far, Steve has been the ideal husband.

PEGGY   Oh, really? I bet the first couple of weeks you were married, you two went to bed at the
        same time.

MARCY   Oh, yes.

PEGGY   Have you noticed, the last month or so, he's been going to bed a little later and later?

MARCY   (AMAZED) Why, yes. How did you know?

PEGGY   You're letting him slip away.

MARCY   What do you mean?

PEGGY   Marcy. You've got a good thing going. (LIKE A TEACHER, EMPHASIZING) Don't start letting
        him have a good time alone.

MARCY   But we still have a good time together.

PEGGY   (SIGNIFICANTLY) Then why is he staying up?

(MARCY THINKS A BEAT, THEN FILLS HER HUSBAND'S CUP WITH TAP WATER)


ANGLE ON:

LIVING ROOM

AL      And I'm telling you, your son is gonna be a sissy Mary if you let that woman take your
        sports away.

STEVE   (WISTFULLY) I used to love sports.

AL      Of course you did. You're a man. But Steve, you can love it again. (LIKE A PREACHER)
        Start with me, right now, Steve. Turn on that TV. I can't do it for you. Turn it on,
        settle back and watch sports.

(STEVE'S HAND SLOWLY REACHES, SHAKING A LITTLE, FOR THE TV ON BUTTON)


ANGLE ON:

KITCHEN

(PEGGY AND MARCY FINISH MAKING THE COFFEE)

MARCY   You know, lately, he's been getting up earlier than me, too.

PEGGY   That's not good. Do you have P.M.S.?

MARCY   No.

PEGGY   Get it.

(MARCY TAKES THIS IN. THEY CARRY THE COFFEE INTO THE LIVING ROOM. THEY SEE THE BOYS WATCHING THE
 BASKETBALL GAME)

MARCY   Steve!

STEVE   Shut up.

(STEVE LOOKS FOR APPROVAL FROM AL. AL LOOKS INNOCENTLY)

MARCY   I thought we agreed no sports.

STEVE   (INTO TV) Nice shot!

MARCY   Steve, I demand to know what you do late at night after I go to bed. Are you having fun
        alone, Steve?

(PEGGY SITS DOWN AND GIVES AL HIS COFFEE. HE TAKES A SIP, MAKES AN APPRECIATIVE FACE, AND TAKES
 ANOTHER SIP)

STEVE   I'm going to the game next week with Al.

MARCY   My mother is coming over next week.

STEVE   Yeah? She gonna teach you how to bury me, like she buried her three husbands?

(AL GIVES HIM AN IMPRESSED LOOK)

MARCY   (AGHAST) Steve! Are you implying that their suicides had something to do with my mother?

(HE STARES AT HER)

MARCY   Oh. Well, if that's your attitude, maybe I should just pack my bags and move in with her.

STEVE   Great. Then I could go to bed at a normal hour.

(SHE LOOKS OVER AT PEGGY. SHE MAKES A FIST)

MARCY   All right. Steve Rhoades, let's go. We're going home. It's time to redefine our
        relationship.

(HE LOOKS OVER AT AL)

STEVE   Okay. I've got a TV of my own at home.

(HE GETS UP)

MARCY   (TO PEGGY) I think we'll be spending a lot of time together.

PEGGY   I know.

MARCY   Come on, Steve. We've got to talk.

STEVE   Make it quick. I'm gonna watch boxing.

MARCY   You'll watch nothing!

(THEY ARGUE OUT THE DOOR. A BEAT, THEN AL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND PEGGY)

AL      It's gonna be rough for them.

PEGGY   It was rough for us, and we made it. Y'know, Ben got an A in school today.

AL      No kiddin'. 

(HE SIPS THE COFFEE)

AL      Let's go out Saturday night. Y'know, to eat. Just you and me.

PEGGY   Sure, if you want to.

AL      Yeah. We haven't been to the Captain's table in a long time.

PEGGY   Yeah. We always like it there. They have a nice menu.

AL      Yeah. You want to go upstairs?

PEGGY   I thought you wanted to watch the game?

AL      Nah. Who cares?

(HE TURNS OFF THE SET. THEY GO UPSTAIRS, HIS ARM AROUND HER SHOULDER, HERS AROUND HIS WAIST)

AL      I like the coffee there too.

PEGGY   Everything is good there.


FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO