0000 (000)


Red lines are from the unaired pilot
Blue lines are from the regular pilot
Differences from original pilot transcribed by Zypherix

Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the dog............Buck

Tina Caspary............Kelly Bundy
Hunter Carson...........Bud Bundy
Ritch Sydner............Luke Ventura

Guest cast:

Diana Bellamy...........Customer #1
Sue Ann Gilfillan.......Customer #2
Linda Dona..............Tawny
Victor Di Mattia........Arnold



Peg is seated at the table, twitching her leg. Kelly walks past her with a plate of food,
sits on the couch and starts writing. The pot plant behind the couch moves towards her. 
Bud jumps out of it and grabs her hair.

KELLY)  Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!

BUD)    Die, commie bimbo!

He pretends to cut her throat with a toy knife.

PEGGY)  Now, Bud, I thought we talked about this before.

BUD)    [letting go Kelly's hair] What's that, Mom?

PEGGY)  You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her.
        Do you remember the effect it had on Grandma? Nobody likes it, nobody thinks it's
        funny, so cut it out, okay?

BUD)    Sure, Mom.

PEGGY)  Now go to school.

A school bus horn is heard. 

KELLY)  Bye, Mom!

PEG)    Bye, honey.

Kelly and Bud head for the door; 

Bud opens it and Kelly glares at Bud.

Kelly opens it and glares at Bud.

KELLY)  I hate you.

BUD)    Good!

They leave the house as Al comes down the stairs with a cactus, and a bandaid on his hand.

AL)     Hey, hon. Anything goin' on?

PEGGY)  Nope.

AL)     Sweetie, is this your little cactus?

PEGGY)  Uh-huh.

AL)     Any particular reason you put it where the alarm clock used to be?

PEGGY)  I thought it would dress up the room a little bit. Oh gee, you know, I meant to
        tell you to be careful before you slammed your hand down on the alarm this morning.

AL)     [holding up his bandaged hand] Well, you didn't!

PEGGY)  Sorry.

AL)     It's okay, I stopped the bleeding with your slip. Where are the kids?

PEGGY)  Oh they've left. Oh, by the way, Bud has Show 'n' Tell at school today. The subject 
        is 'What does Daddy do?' So when you come home tonight, if there's a can of beer
        missing, you can't find the remote control, that's where they are.

AL)     I hope he brings that stuff back tonight, the Bulls are playing on TV!

PEGGY)  Oh my god, you're kidding.

AL)     Not as exciting as your 'Cooking with Clyde the Cajun' show but at least it gives
        me a reason to come home.

Al opens the fridge and looks inside.

PEGGY)  Al, do you have to leave the refrigerator door open? I'm getting a draft.

AL)     [closing it] Oh I'm sorry. Maybe I should look for some food in the dishwasher? 
        We have no juice.

PEGGY)  Oh, I didn't buy any, I didn't have time.

AL)     Well that happens, I understand. You don't have a job or anything, do you?

PEGGY)  Well I do sandpaper the stains out of your shirts and battle your socks and
        underwear into the washing machine, but I guess that is more of an adventure than 
        a job.

AL)     What's that got to do with juice?

PEGGY)  Al, there's a store on your way home from work.

AL)     I'm sorry, why didn't I think of that. Sure, I don't mind doing the shopping too!
        Anything I can do to make your life a little easier?

PEGGY)  You could shave your back.

AL)     Hey, that hair's there for a reason. It keeps you offa me at night.

PEGGY)  Al, let's not start. We were having such a nice morning.

AL)     Yeah, I'm sorry, you're right. It's just that I got a hard day of work ahead of me
        and I've got nothing to eat to get me going!

PEGGY)  I'm sorry honey. I know, it's my fault. [She walks over to the coffee table] But
        tonight, I promise here will be food in the house.

AL)     And juice.

PEGGY)  Right. [she picks up the plate with the food Kelly didn't eat] Those kids. I hate
        wasting food.

Al motions for her to give the food to him, but Peggy instead gives it to Buck.

PEGGY)  [in a mushy voice] Yes, my little baby. [to Al] Have a nice day, honey.

She goes upstairs and Al stands and speaks to Buck.

AL)     There better be juice when I get home.



The shoe store.
Al small boy called Arnold throws a rack of shoes off one of the shelves and runs around to his mother. 
The mother is a fat woman seated on a chair with her foot in a shoe sizer and Al in front of her.

WOMAN)  I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from
        High School!

AL)     Well, these are sevens. The box says nine, because well, uh... look lady, you're a 
        nine! I can accept it, why can't you?

WOMAN) You're very fresh!

AL)     No, ma'am, that's impossible. Cause for the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze
        your foot into a shoe, when really I should've been easing them into the box. So I
        say I'm anything but fresh. [Arnold is playing with some shoes] by the way, you
        want to tell John Henry over there to give the hundred dollar pumps a rest?

WOMAN)  Your ad says 'courteous' service!

AL)     That's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owners. He was killed tragically on this
        very spot when a size nine exploded in his face.

WOMAN)  [gathering her things] Come on, Arnold, we're leaving.

ARNOLD) I want a balloon.

AL)     [looking at the mother] You've already got one!

The woman gets huffy and they leave. Al's co-worker, Luke, enters.

LUKE)   Hey, Al. [laughs] Man I feel great.

AL)     Well, you feel great, you left me alone in the store for three hours. You know I don't like that.
        Just too many feet.

LUKE)   See Al, there's your problem right there. If only you've got to bed with that cute little blonde
        that was in the store this morning instead of me, you might feel a little better. I know I do.

AL)     You were making it with some broad for three hours while I was knee-deep in feet?

LUKE)   They were begging for it. They're all begging for it.

WOMAN)  Can somebody please help me?

LUKE)   See, even she is begging for it. Only she's gotta wait a little longer. 

AL)     How can you be happy sleeping with every woman you meet? I tell you, as your friend I
        can't wait til you get married. Yeah, a wife and kids who adore you. The wife, kids...
        the list goes on and on! It's just seeing their faces light up in the morning when they
        see you, they can't do enough for you. I'm telling you, it's heaven on Earth! [Al sees a
        woman looking at shoes, Luke looks at her too] I'll take that.

LUKE)   Hey, Al, can't let you do that. That's not fair to her. You're just gonna get all warm
        with desire, then drop the bombshell "I'm a happily married man", women aren't that
        strong, you know. Me, I'm just gotta degrade her and toss her out on the street, they can
        take that.

Luke walks over to the woman.

LUKE)   Luke Ventura, at your feet.

Luke serves her. Al walks over to the other woman who sits in a chair.

WOMAN)  Well, it's about time. I'd like to see some shoes please.

AL)     Uh, let me guess, uh... size four.

WOMAN)  Yes! How did you know?

AL)     All women are fours.

On his way to the stock room, Al stops at Luke and Tawny.

LUKE)   I know you've heard this before but you've got the feet of a movie star.

TAWNY)  Really?

LUKE)   Hey Al, meet Tawny. Al's married.

Luke and Tawny laugh.

LUKE)   Listen Al, I forgot to tell you. I got an extra ticket to the Bulls-Lakers game
        tonight. Court level. Wanna go?

AL)     Hell yeah!

LUKE)   You sure your wife will let you go?

AL)     I'd like to see her try to stop me. [they laugh]

LUKE)   Mind if I go to lunch?

AL)     You just came from lunch!

LUKE)   Yeah, technically. Biologically I was in bed with some broad.

AL)     Luke, how can you be happy sleeping with every woman you meet?

LUKE)   I don't know, but I am!

AL)     I tell you, as your friend I can't wait til you get married. Yeah, a wife and kids
        who adore you. The wife, kids... the list goes on and on! It's just seeing their
        faces light up in the morning when they see you, they can't do enough for you. 
        It's heaven on Earth! 

LUKE)   No Al, that is. 

Luke approaches a blonde girl, Tawny. 

LUKE)   Luke Ventura, at your feet.

Luke serves her and a woman comes over to Al.

WOMAN)  Do you work here or you just loitering?

AL)     I'm sorry, can I help you?

WOMAN)  I'd like to see some shoes please.

Al shows her to a seat.

AL)     Uh, let me guess, uh... size sevens.

WOMAN)  Yes! How did you know?

AL)     All women are sevens.

On his way to the stock room, Al stops at Luke and Tawny.

LUKE)   I know you've been told this before but you have the instep of a movie star.

TAWNY)  Really?

LUKE)   Hey Al, meet Tawny. Al's married.

Luke and Tawny laugh.

LUKE)   Listen Al, I forgot to tell you. I got an extra ticket to the Bulls-Lakers game
        tonight. Court level. Wanna go?

AL)     Hell yeah!

LUKE)   You sure your wife will let you?

AL)     Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

WOMAN)  Hey you. Get my shoes.

AL)     Yes Ma'am.



Peggy is lying on the couch watching TV, eating bonbons and smoking.

TV)     We're here today with our staff anthropologist, Dr Jim, who discovered a tribe of women
        in the Amazon who, like the Praying Mantis, devour their males after mating season. 

PEGGY)  [laughing] Oh my god.

The sound of a car pulling up is heard and Peggy immediately turns off the TV, puts out her 
cigarette and hides her bonbons with a couch cushion. She turns on the vacuum and sucks up 
all of her cigarette butts and bon-bon wrappers. She acts like she is vacuuming.
Al enters.

PEGGY)  Hi Honey.

AL)     Hi. Working hard?

PEGGY)  Oh yeah, you know I like to keep the house clean. Phew!

She turns off the vacuum and slumps down onto the couch, exhausted.
Al puts a hand on top of the TV.

PEGGY)  Hard day?

AL)     Yeah, you?

PEGGY)  Oh yeah.

AL)     Yeah, must've been, even the TV's sweating! Hey get me some juice, OK? 

PEGGY)  Oh, that's what I forgot to do.

AL)     Ah, it's OK, juice isn't important. Listen honey, I know you've been busy around
        the house all day, so you don't have to bother making me dinner tonight. I've got a
        little surprise for you. I'm going to the ball game tonight!

Al kisses Peggy on the cheek and starts to leave, but Peggy stops him.

PEGGY)  Al, you're not going to the game tonight. 

AL)     Sure I am. See, let me explain something to you. I work all day. And when someone 
        works all day they need to have some fun at night. Now I don't actually expect you 
        to understand any of this, but trust me I'm your husband - I know best.

Al kisses her on the cheek again.

PEGGY)  Well, isn't staying home with me fun?

He kisses her on the cheek again.

AL)     Don't wait up.

PEGGY)  Al, you're not going to the game tonight.

AL)     Oh see, you misunderstood me. You must've thought I said, "Honey, is it OK with you
        if I go to the game?" you know, like a question. There's no question about this.

PEGGY)  No there isn't. You cannot go to the game tonight.

AL)     Why not?

PEGGY)  Because I invited company over.

AL)     Company?? Who the hell would want to come over here?!

PEGGY)  Well you know that honeymoon couple that moved next door?

AL)     No.

PEGGY)  Well, I invited them over, I thought I told you.

AL)     You didn't. Look, I worked hard all day. The last thing I want to do is spend the
        whole evening with people I don't know!

PEGGY)  Now look. They are new in the neighborhood. They have lived here for 2 months and
        they have no friends. We have lived here for 15 years and we have no friends. Al, I
        wanna have some friends! 

AL)     Wait a second, wait, wait. Are you implying that it's my fault you have no friends?

PEGGY)  [sarcastically] Oh no. It's me who sits in front of the TV set burping with my hand
        thrust down my pants!

AL)     You keep it cold in this house, Peg.

PEGGY)  Al. Al, every night when the kids go out it's just you and me. Can't you see
        how boring that is for me, honey? Look, all I am asking is that we have some people
        over for one night and for you to be nice.

AL)     Oh, I'm gonna be nice, how's this for nice: I'm not even gonna be here! I'm going to 
        the game.

PEGGY)  Alright, Al, fine. But before you go I would just like to say three things: the
        bankbook is in both of our names. The credit cards are in both of our names. And the
        stores are still open.

Peggy looks up at him.
Al thinks about this and then sits on the couch.

AL)     Why didn't you get me juice?



Peg and Al are still on the couch and Peg is twitching her leg. Al can't stand it any
longer and puts a hand on her leg to stop it.

AL)     Kids gone?

PEGGY)  Yeah, but they'll be back.

AL)     I can't believe you invited these people over tonight. I hate company. 

PEGGY)  Would you for once think about me? I am home all day alone. You are out there around
        people all the time. You know, I need some fun too.   

AL)     Too? Oh sure, on the surface selling women's shoes is fun. But once you cut through
        all the hype, the myths, the glamor, it's really very much like any other minimum
        wage paying slow death.

Bud enters through the front door.

BUD)    Hi Mom. Dad, can I have five dollars?

AL)     You know, Bud, 
        when I was a kid I had to earn my money. Did you ever once think
        about earning your money?

        when I was young I had to earn my money. Did you ever once think
        about trying to earn your money? 

BUD)    OK Dad... 
        Do you wanna know who Kelly was with this afternoon?
        You wanna know who Kelly was with this afternoon?

AL)     Who?

Bud holds out his hand for money and Al gives him some.

BUD)    You know the kid they call Cobra? The kid with the sore on his mouth?

Al gives him more money.

AL)     Good job, Son. 

BUD)    Thanks, Dad!

Bud starts to leave.

AL)     Where are you going? 

BUD)    Joey's father is waiting for me outside. He's gonna take us to the basketball game tonight. 
        Mom said it was okay.

        Joey's dad's waiting for me outside. We're going to the basketball game tonight. 
        Mom said it was okay. Bye!

He leaves.

PEGGY)  The Lakers are in town, he really wanted to go.

Al slaps his hand down onto the couch.
Kelly enters through the garage.

KELLY)  Hi Mom. Dad, can I have 10 dollars?

AL)     Who were you with today?

KELLY)  Nobody.

AL)     Does nobody have a name? You know, Tom, Dick.... Cobra with a sore on his mouth?

KELLY)  Oh dad, it's not that kind of sore, he just fell asleep with a cigar in his mouth.

She holds out her hand for money.

AL)     What?

PEGGY)  You gave some to Bud, you have to give to Kelly too. Remember Al, no favoritism.

AL)     [giving Kelly money] Peg, she's going out with a guy named 
        after a snake!
        after a reptile! 

PEGGY)  Look, his real name is Stanley. 
        His real name is Stanley. 
        They only call him Cobra because he has one painted on his van.

AL)     And you find this acceptable? 

PEGGY)  I've met him and he's a very nice boy.

A car screeches outside. A very unpromising car horn is heard.

KELLY)  That's the love mobile now.
        That's his horn, isn't it great? I guess that's why I fell in love with him. 
        Bye Mom, Bye Dad.

PEGGY)  Bye honey. You know, we must have done something right. We raised 2 great kids!

The car is heard pulling away.

AL)     I'm sorry honey, I didn't hear you. I was just thinkin' of killing myself.

PEGGY)  Not tonight, honey, we have company coming over.

AL)     Look, it's time for the pre-game show.

He reaches for the remote but Peggy takes it from him.

PEGGY)  Oh no you don't. Every time we have company, you turn on this TV and immediately
        separate yourself. Not tonight. You can always watch a basketball game.

AL)     Oh but I couldn't always meet our next door neighbors? Now I see!

The doorbell rings.

PEGGY)  Now that must be Steve and Marcy from next door.

AL)     Steve and Marcy? I'm going to miss a game for people named Steve and Marcy? What's
        their last name, Gorme?
PEGGY)  And that is another thing, Al when they are in here I don't want you making any
        snide comments. That is why we have no friends. 

AL)     Excuse me, Peg. I thought we had no friends because I put my hands down my pants.

Two more doorbell rings.

PEGGY)  Now that's them. Al, another thing. Do not eat or drink anything. One of them may
        need to use the bathroom after you.

AL)     I'm gonna hate these people.

PEGGY)  You will not hate them, they are very nice.

AL)     If they were nice they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Another ring.

PEGGY)  Get the door!

AL)     Get my juice!

Peggy cringes and walks away.
Al opens the door to Steve and Marcy.

MARCY)  Hello, I'm Marcy.

STEVE)  I'm Steve.

MARCY)  You have a beautiful home.

AL)     Yeah, so do you, come on in.

They enter and Al closes the door behind them

STEVE)  [to Peg] Howdy, neighbour!

Al)     Yeah, yeah, yeah, [silently to Peg; behind Steve and Marcy] I hate these people!

PEGGY)  Why don't we sit down... [everybody sits down] Gee, you know, I'm kind of
        embarrassed, I have nothing to serve you.

AL)     Yeah, listen, if you're hungry there's a store a few blocks away. If you go, get me
        some juice, okay?

PEGGY)  Al's only kidding. He's just a little upset because I didn't have time to do the

MARCY)  You know, [Steve and Marcy are looking at each other] Steve and I decided to share
        the household chores.

Steve and Marcy do the Eskimo greeting with their noses.

AL)     Gee, that's great.

PEGGY)  You see, Al? Steve helps around the house.

AL)     [sarcastically] Way to go, Steve! Say, listen, who'd you like to win the NBA
        championship this year?

STEVE)  Well, Al, to tell you the truth since we got married I don't watch much sports.
        Marcy doesn't like it and we decided we'll only do things we both like.

MARCY)  I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically
        healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-
        thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.

AL)     You gonna neuter him too?

Al and Peg start to laugh, Steve and Marcy are shocked.

STEVE)  Do you two uh, have any kids?

AL)     Two.

MARCY)  Where are they?

AL)     I don't know. [Al stands behind Steve and Marcy] So Steve, looks like life is
        really shaping up for you two. How long you two crazy kids been married? 

STEVE)  Two months, Al.

AL)     Hey! Wellll... [grabs Steve's shoulder] Marcy, it looks you've got a heck of
        a piece of clay here to work with!

Al sits on the arm of the chair where Peg is sitting.

PEGGY)  We've been married for 15 years.

MARCY)  Ahh, what's your secret?

PEGGY)  Oh, no secret really, Just to be considerate. Except each other for what you are.
        Don't point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out
        of his nose. And his ears.

She laughs.
AL)     And accepting the fact that nowadays it's harder to figure out where her chest ends
        and her stomach begins!

Peggy elbows Al in the leg.

PEGGY)  I'll get us some coffee, Marcy.

MARCY)  I'll help.

STEVE)  Me too! 

Steve gets up but Al stops him.

AL)     You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a
        blessing to us? [sits on the couch next to Steve] It's like when you're sitting
        somewhere and they come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start
        thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking!" [Al laughs] But you can't
        actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's 
        that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S.
        stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve? 

Marcy and Peg are in the kitchen.
Peg is putting spoonful after spoonful of coffee into a cup.

MARCY)  Isn't that an awful lot of coffee you're putting in there?

PEGGY)  Yes. That's for them, ours will be good. You see, if they enjoy eating and drinking
        at home too much, they never take you anywhere. With men, if you ask them for
        something you are never going to get it. But if you do some damage to their internal 
        organs, you've got a shot. And if it doesn't work, ha! What have you lost?
        [hands Marcy the cup] Will you fill this with tap water please?

Marcy speaks before she does so. Peg takes a jug from under the bench and pours proper water 
into hers and Marcy's coffees.

MARCY)  Well, I have to be honest. So far Steve has been the ideal husband.

PEGGY)  Oh really? I bet the first couple of weeks you were married you went to bed at the
        same time.

MARCY)  Oh yes.

PEGGY)  Have you noticed in the last month or so, he seems to be going to bed a little
        later and later?

MARCY)  Why yes. How did you know?

PEGGY)  You're letting him slip away Marcy. You've got a good thing going. Don't start
        letting him have a good time alone.

MARCY)  But we still have a good time together!

PEGGY)  So why is he staying up?

Marcy reacts but filling up the cup with tap water.
Al is still counselling Steve. 

AL)     I'm telling you, your son is going to be a sissy-mary if you let that woman take
        away your sports.

STEVE)  I used to love sports.

AL)     Of course you did, you're a man. But Steve, you can love it again. Start with me
        right now, Steve. [Al gets the remote] Turn on that TV, I can't do it for you!
        Turn it on, settle back, relax and watch sports.

Steve checks to see if Marcy is looking then casually turns on the TV. 
Al puts his left hand down his pants.
In the kitchen...

MARCY)  You know lately, he's been getting up earlier than me too.

PEGGY)  [disappointed] That's not good. Do you have PMS?


PEGGY)  Get it!

Peg and Marcy go into the lounge room.
Steve and Al are still watching TV. Steve has both of his hands down his pants. 
The women give their husbands their coffees.

MARCY)  Steve! 

STEVE)  Ssh, hey!

MARCY)  I thought we agreed: No sports.

STEVE)  [ignoring Marcy] Oh, nice shot!

Steve takes a sip of the coffee and practically chokes. Al manages to swallow his without noticing 
much difference.

MARCY)  I demand to know what you do late at night after I've gone to bed. Are you having
        fun alone, Steve?

Steve looks confused.

STEVE)  No, I just like to stay up and think.

Marcy is twitching her leg in a Peg-like fashion.

MARCY)  [getting mad] What are you thinking? 

STEVE)  Well if I wanted you to know, I'd... 

Steve remembers Al's words and cuts himself off.

STEVE)  Oh... just about... how much I love you. I'm going to the game next week with Al.

MARCY)  My mother's coming over next week.

STEVE)  Oh yeah? She going to teach you how to bury me like she buried her 3 husbands?

Al pats his hand on his head, indicating a foul.

MARCY)  Steve! Are you implying that their suicides had something to do with mother?

Steve just stares at her.

MARCY)  Oh. Well, if that's your attitude, maybe I should just pack my bags and move in with

STEVE)  Great! Then I can go to bed at a normal hour!

Peggy gestures to Marcy to keep her ground with Steve.

MARCY)  Alright, Steve Rhoades, let's go. [stands] We're going home. It's time to re-define
        our relationship.

STEVE)  [standing] OK! Al, I'll see you next week at the game.

MARCY)  Peggy, I think we'll be spending a lot of time together.

They start to leave.

MARCY)  Come on Steve, we've got to talk.

STEVE)  Well, make it quick, I'm gonna watch boxing!

MARCY)  You'll watch NOTHING!

They leave, with Steve shutting the door behind him. 
Peg sits next to Al and he puts his arm around her.

AL)     It's gonna be rough for them.

PEGGY)  Yeah. Well, it was rough for us and we made it. [Al drinks some more of his coffee]
        Hey, you know what? Bud got an A at school today.

AL)     No kidding?

PEGGY)  Yeah.

Al takes another sip of coffee and then stares at it

AL)     Hey, let's go out Saturday night. You know to eat, just me and you.

PEGGY)  Well sure, if you want to!

AL)     We haven't been to the Captain's Table in a long time.

PEGGY)  Ooh, we always like it there. They have such a nice menu.

AL)     Yeah. [pauses] Wanna go upstairs?

PEGGY)  I thought you wanted to watch the game?

AL)     Nah. Who cares?

They get up and Al takes Peg's hand then puts his arm around her and make their way to the

AL)     You know, I like the coffee there too.

Peggy puts her arm around Al and Al pats Peggy on the butt as they continue their way


                    PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
All Rights Reserved

Transcribed by Marriedaniac and Zypherix


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