HOW TO MARRY A MORON
Ed O'Neill..................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley................Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog...............Lucky
Edie McClurg................Mrs. Tot
Gordon Jump.................Mr. Tot
Rena Riffel.................Stripper #1
T. L. Brooke................Tatum Tot
The Bundy living room.
Bud is sitting down writing a letter to his imprisoned pen pal.
BUD [thinking out loud] Dear Starla, How are things in solitary? Is it true that they throw
you in the hole naked? Anxiously awaiting your reply, Bud.
Kelly is arguing with Al. Al follows Kelly across the room and they stop behind the couch.
Peggy is idly sitting on the couch.
KELLY Daddy, I love Lonnie, and I'll die if I can't have him.
AL Suit yourself, a funeral's cheaper than a wedding.
Bud stands up.
BUD Dad, don't worry; Kelly can't wait for Lonnie to get out of prison, I mean, she cheats on
a guy if he takes too long in a bathroom.
Kelly slaps Bud's arm.
The doorbell rings and Kelly goes to answer it.
AL Good point, Son. Besides, he's a vicious criminal, they probably locked him up for life.
Kelly opens the door and Lonnie bursts in.
LONNIE They turned me loose! They said the prison was too overcrowded!
Lonnie and Kelly hug passionately.
AL God forbid prisoners don't have enough leg room.
PEGGY Awww, look how much he loves her.
AL The man's just got out of prison, Peg. He'd be happy kissing anything without stubble.
LONNIE Sir, I have come to ask for your daughter's hand.
KELLY Is that all?
BUD Yeah, why stop there? No one else does.
AL I just...
Al raises his hand to Bud, and Bud cowers down.
LONNIE [to Al] Well, Sir, I may not be the smartest man in the world, or the most successful,
[turns to face Kelly] but I love your daughter and I would give my life for her.
Al starts to strangle Lonnie. Kelly tries to pry Al's hands from Lonnie's throat.
KELLY Dad, what are you doing?? Get your hands...
Peggy races around the couch and pulls Al from Lonnie.
LONNIE He tried to strangle me!?
KELLY Well, that's just how we show affection.
Lonnie returns the compliment to Al.
KELLY Hey, Mom, you see that shade of blue that Dad's turning? Now, don't you think that would
be a good color for the bridesmaid's dresses?
PEGGY Er, actually, I was thinking a little more purplely... [looks at Al] there, that's it!
Lonnie releases his stranglehold and Al gasps for air.
LONNIE Oh, speaking of the wedding; I almost forgot. [Produces a small box from his pocket]
Kelly, this is for you.
Lonnie opens the box to reveal an engagement ring.
Peggy pushes Al aside and snatches the ring from Lonnie.
PEGGY Oh, that is the biggest Cubiczirconia I've ever seen!
KELLY A genuine Cubiczirconia?? Oh, Lonnie! Oh.
Kelly and Peggy rush to the kitchen breakfast table. Peggy switches on a bright light and
examines the diamond with a jeweller's magnifier.
Al leads Lonnie to the front door.
AL You stole my daughter an engagement ring, and it's not even a real diamond!?
Al slams Lonnie into the front door.
LONNIE [dazed] Sir, I love Kelly very much and I promise you she'll be very happy as Mrs. Lonnie
Al slams Lonnie into the door again.
AL Wait a second... Did you say your name was "Tot"?
LONNIE [still dazed] I don't know... Did I?
AL TOT, as in THE Tots? Owner of Tot Industries? Makers of Weenie Tots; nature's most perfect
LONNIE Yeah, that's us.
PEGGY Al, AL, this ring... IS REAL!
Al and Lonnie hug.
Kelly and Lonnie are sitting on the couch besotted with one another.
Marcy is sitting next to them, explaining the virtuosity of her bank.
MARCY ...or perhaps you would prefer our Platinum Elite account? Now, that requires a hundred
thousand dollar minimum balance, but you get free cheques [holds up a cheque book] and a
Kelly and Lonnie ignore Marcy.
LONNIE I love you.
KELLY I love you.
Kelly and Lonnie are holding hands, so Marcy jams a pen between their hands and makes a mark on
a banking contract.
LONNIE I love YOU.
KELLY I love YOU.
Marcy takes back the pen.
MARCY I love you both.
Marcy kisses the signed contract.
Peggy comes down the stairs. She is carrying a box under her arm.
PEGGY Kelly? Kelly? Kelly. [No response, so Peggy waves her hand between the gaze of Kelly and
Lonnie, but that doesn't work either] Hey, isn't that Big Bird?
Kelly and Lonnie look quickly towards the TV.
PEGGY Missed him. Now, Kelly, honey, on this very special occasion, [puts the box down on a
chair] I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life...
Unfortunately, the football team kept it, but! [takes a dress, that looks more like a
jacket, from the box and holds it up] I do have my wedding dress, and it is very nice too.
KELLY Gee, Mom, it's... What is it?
PEGGY Genuine Snow Leopard. Isn't it stunning!?
Kelly looks at Marcy pitifully. Marcy stands up.
MARCY Er, Peggy, as the wedding co-ordinator, may I suggest something a little less... whorish?
LONNIE Oh, come on, Kelly, we better go color our wedding invitations.
KELLY Dibs on the texta!
LONNIE Dibs on the texta!
Kelly and Lonnie run off together.
MARCY My God! Their children will be Rutabagas.
PEGGY Yeah, it's possible; root vegetables run in my family.
Marcy and Peggy sit on the couch.
MARCY Now, about the wedding dinner; I was thinking an open bar, hors d'oevres and six courses.
PEGGY Yeah, well, Al was thinking of a cash bar and a cover charge.
MARCY Well, that's what we're planning for his funeral.
Marcy and Peggy laugh.
The Bundy living room is full of girls whom are friends of Kelly's. Peggy is sitting next to
Kelly, on the couch, while Kelly opens presents. Marcy is collecting up the wrapping paper that
Kelly discards. Kelly opens a present to reveal a sieve.
KELLY Ohhhh, thanks. [whispers to Peggy] I can't believe how cheap they are; they got me a bowl
with holes in it.
PEGGY Honey, don't be silly, that's not a bowl - it's a hat.
KELLY Oh? [puts the sieve on her head] OK, thanks.
MARCY Kelly, you really shouldn't be wearing that.
KELLY Oh, yeah, right. Bad luck, huh? [takes the sieve off her head] Anyway, you know, it's so
nice of you guys to give me the shower, and I want to give something to you: my little
Kelly picks up a big, black, heavy book and heaves it onto her lap. All of Kelly's friends
stroke the book.
Kelly opens the book and one of Kelly's friends, Susie, reads from it.
SUSIE Johnny Parker, David Pepochelli, Max Fullman... Hey, that name sounds familiar?
Another girl, Jennifer, enlightens Susie.
JENIFR Er, that's your father... and, Mr. Owens - our chemistry teacher.
KELLY Ah, well, I passed, didn't I? I love Lonnie so much that it's worth giving up all those
guys. Even... page 41.
Kelly fishes the page from her cleavage.
PEGGY You know, Honey, I never wanted another man after I met your father. Every time he would
look at me, I'd get butterflies in my stomach.
KELLY Ohh, well, does that still happen?
PEGGY Well, now it's more like a churning, but at least something's going on down there.
KELLY Ohhh, you guys are still in love, aren't-cha?
PEGGY Absolutely. You know, after 25 years, we may not be as lovey-dovey, but at least 2 times
a year; your father makes me feel like a teenager all over again.
MARCY That's because he has no money and a bad car.
PEGGY True, but he's still my Prince Charming.
The Nudie Bar.
Al is eating a Cheese Noodle. He crushes an empty beer can on his forehead.
AL Behold the power of Beercules!
Griff, Al and Jefferson are seated around a table, drinking.
GRIFF Man, you're blowing a lot of dough, Al. I've never seen you buy a drink... even for
AL Well, when your part of one of America's wealthiest families, it's your social
responsibility to show a little class. [shouts out to the waitresses] Hey! Cheese Doodles
for everyone; the puffy kind!
The waitresses ignore Al.
AL Ha, no one listens, just like at home.
Jefferson draws their attention to someone surrounded by strippers.
JEFFSN Looks like that guy must have more money than you.
AL Who'd have more money than a Tot-in-law?
The girls move around and Lonnie is seen.
GRIFF A Tot in heat.
Al gets up and goes over to Lonnie.
AL Hey, what are you doing here?
Lonnie stands up.
LONNIE Hey, Dad, I'm here every Friday night. I can't believe I've never seen you.
AL Oh, well, Friday's 'full price' night. But I'm surprised at you; a soon to be married man!
LONNIE Well, you're here, Dad, and you've been married - what - 50, 60 years?
AL Aww, at least. Yeah, but that's my whole point; I've earned it. See, your future wife
deserves more respect.
LONNIE Well, what about your wife?
AL That's different: My wife is my wife, and your wife is my daughter. Go on, get outta here,
and don't let me catch you here again.
LONNIE But I already paid for a lap dance.
AL Don't worry, I'll put it to good use.
Lonnie leaves and Al takes his place on the chair. The girls dance around a delighted Al.
AL Ahh, the sacrifices I make for this family.
Al enters the Bundy living room through the front door. He is looking sad.
Peggy is sitting on the couch and immediately calls out to Al with excitement.
PEGGY Oh Al, we got a 'welcome to the family' present from the Tots!
AL Remind me to send them a 'go to Hell' thank you card. There will be no wedding, Peg. [sits
on the couch with Peg] I saw our former future son-in-law tonight at the nudie bar. He's a
PEGGY Al, you go to the nudie-bar all the time and you don't cheat on me??
AL That's right! Because I show the nudie bar it's due respect. A man looks, drools, dreams,
but he does not cheat!
PEGGY Technically, they're not even married yet.
AL They are engaged, and that's the same thing. An engagement ring is circular, it means...
out of circulation.
Bud enters through the back door. He is carrying a pair of pliers.
BUD Well, it's all hooked up! Dad, did you see our great gift that our in-laws sent us?
AL They're not going to be our in-laws.
BUD You lie!
PEGGY Your father thinks that Lonnie's cheating on Kelly.
Bud sits on the arm of the couch.
BUD Mom, Dad, there's a rumor floating around town, that Kelly herself is no longer a virgin.
A rumor that's been a-floatin' since '79.
Al stands up.
AL I know that er, Kelly has sewn a few wild oats, among God knows what other things, but I
cannot knowingly allow my Pumpkin to marry a rogue and a scoundrel!
Bud stands up and walks over to Al.
BUD He's not, Dad, he can't be, he's a Tot. Tots are good people. Would bad people send us a
gift like... [produces a large remote control unit from his pocket] this??
AL What is it?
BUD It's a big screen projector, Dad. Isn't that worth the small sacrifice that we laughingly
PEGGY No, Bud, your Dad's right. We can't sacrifice our only daughter's happiness; even for a
big screen TV.
AL Exactly! How big?
BUD It's 10 feet wide, Dad.
AL 10 feet???
BUD And they sent over a laserdisk player too, with a movie, Dad. A John Wayne movie.
AL THE DUKE??? [sits down on the couch] I'm sorry, we're just gonna have to send it back.
Bud rushes over to Al and stands behind the couch.
BUD Er, let's not lose our heads here Dad. Now, do you have any proof of your accusations?
AL Well, no.
BUD Shame, Dad. Shame, shame, shame.
PEGGY You know, Bud's right, Al.
AL Well, I, I'm not sure.
BUD Let's just ask The Duke.
Bud presses a button on the remote control, and a huge screen lowers down across the whole width
of the room.
AL My Lord in Heaven. Ooh, I've seen this one. This is where The Duke kills a whole bunch of
Indians, who are really asking for it.
Kelly enters through the front door. She seems very happy.
KELLY Hello family.
BUD Look who's here. Kelly, I think Dad has something he'd like to say to you.
KELLY What is it, Daddy?
AL Kelly! [Bud increases the volume of the John Wayne movie to a deafening level] Kelly, go
to your room. All of you... go to your rooms.
The others leave. Bud gently hands the remote control to Al.
The Bundy Backyard. It is fully decorated for Kelly's wedding.
Griff is showing a long line of Kelly's old (now saddened) boyfriends to their seats.
GRIFF Friend of the bride. Friend of the bride. I think you know where to sit.
Jefferson is taping the event with a video camera.
JEFFSN Wedding video: Kelly's first marriage. [turns the camera on himself and speaks with an
accent] Un film di Jefferson D'Arcy. [a young lady passes by and Jefferson focuses the
camera on her] Ah, yes, luckily I have my bazoom lens. [the camera zooms in for a hooter
close-up] Hey oww hey ow. [the camera shakes, Marcy appears angrily mouthing words, then
she storms off] There's the villain of our little story.
Peggy is standing next to Al.
PEGGY Al, I don't see any of my Wanker relatives here. Didn't you send out the invitations?
AL Well, of course I did, Pookie.
Jefferson's camera is pointing at Lucky digging up the garden.
JEFFSN Hey, hey, what you got there, boy?
Lucky runs off and Jefferson zooms in to an unearthed pile of wedding invitations.
Marcy enters with Mr. and Mrs. Tot. She takes them over to meet Al and Peggy.
MARCY Al, Peggy, I'd like you to meet the Tots. I've just been telling them about the wonderful
investment opportunities at Kyoto National Bank.
AL [whispers to Marcy] There's a line to kiss their ass. And it starts behind me, so while
you're back there, why don't you kiss mine too!
MARCY Enjoy the wedding.
Marcy hurries away.
MR TOT Hi, I'm Earl Tot.
Shakes Al's hand.
MRSTOT And I'm Pearl Tot.
Shakes Al's hand.
AL And I'm Al Bundy.
MR TOT Er, Who's this pretty little creature?
AL Where? [Peggy elbows Al in the ribs] Ow! Oh this, this creature. Well, this here's Peg.
MRSTOT You have such a lovely home. It reminds me of when we started out. Earl had nothing but
two pounds of cow lips, a bucket of nitrates and a dream.
PEGGY You know, that's funny. Al had all that; except for the dream... and the bucket.
MRSTOT Well, just being here, just brings tears to my eyes.
PEGGY Al, I told you to close your hamper.
Mr. and Mrs. Tot go to their seats. Bud and Lonnie enter the backyard.
BUD So, Lonnie, tell me again; what does your sister look like?
LONNIE Well, kinda like her... [points to the big hootered girl that Jefferson was video-taping]
but with bigger waloobies.
BUD I think we may just be related twice.
Lonnie and Bud notice Mr. and Mrs. Tot.
LONNIE Oh, Mamma, Daddy, this is Bud. Remember? He's the one I told you would be perfect for
Mr. Tot notices his daughter, Tatum.
MR TOT Here's my little Sugar Bear, now.
Tatum waves to Lonnie.
Lonnie waves back.
Bud is mortified at the sight of the barrel-shaped dwarf.
BUD I thought you said she had big waloobies??
LONNIE Oh, she does. In my family, "waloobies" is a pet-name for "butt cheeks".
TATUM You're right, Lonnie, he's a cutie-pie.
Tatum grabs at Bud and holds him in a bear hug. Bud struggles to break free.
MRSTOT [to Mr. Tot] Now don't they make a darling couple?
BUD [still struggling] She makes a "darling couple" all by herself.
Mr. Tot gets up and goes over to Al.
MR TOT Al, er, if we get both our kids hitched, I'd have to make you a partner.
AL [quickly] Er, attention everyone! I would like to announce the engagement of my son!
BUD Damn you, Dad!
Bud breaks free of Tatum's clutches and runs away. Tatum chases after him.
The Bundy Living Room.
Lonnie is fixing his bow-tie as he walks into the kitchen.
Al and Peg are standing behind the couch as Marcy bursts in from the backyard.
MARCY Come on, people, we have a wedding to do! Now, Al, go check on the bride, and remember,
when you walk down the isle... try to walk upright.
AL No problem. I only double over when I see YOU.
Al runs upstairs.
PEGGY Oh, Marcy, I have more butterflies now than I did for my own wedding.
MARCY Mmmm, I would have thought you would have been nauseous for your wedding?
PEGGY Well, I was that too, but that was from morning sickness.
Griff enters and walks up to Peggy.
GRIFF Hey, Peg, you look great! Can I take you out now?
PEGGY Griff, we have a wedding to go to! But you can call me tomorrow.
GRIFF I was talking about taking you to your seat.
PEGGY Oh, hahahaha, sure. [chuckles]
Griff escorts Peggy to the backyard. Marcy runs around like a headless chicken.
MARCY Now, where is my Best Man and my Maid of Honor???
Bud scrambles in through the basement door. He is in a blind panic and his jacket is ripped to
BUD OHH GOD, THE HORROR, THE HORROR!!!
Bud looks around and bolts out of the back door. Tatum explodes in from the basement.
TATUM Come back here! I haven't finished that hickey!
Tatum spots Bud escaping through the backyard and gives chase.
Lonnie is still trying to fix his bow-tie.
LONNIE [to Marcy] She moves a lot faster since she lost all that weight.
MARCY Oh, here, let me help you with that. [straightens Lonnie's tie] Okay, that's good. Gee,
you look very handsome.
LONNIE Well, thank you, Mrs. D'Arcy. You look handsome too.
LONNIE Well, thank you again. You look pretty too.
Marcy and Lonnie sit on the couch.
MARCY Ha-ha. Listen, Lonnie, I want you to know that I want to be more than just your banker. I
want to be your friend. So if you ever need or want anything; I'm available.
LONNIE Well, that's good, 'cause I gotta tell you; there's something about a little bony banker
that really turns me on.
Lonnie lays on top of Marcy on the couch and disappear from view. We hear a slap and Marcy
MARCY WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED!!
LONNIE That'll only take a few minutes. What are doing after?
MARCY Not you!!
Marcy slaps him.
Marcy enters the backyard looking upset, closely followed by an embarrassed Lonnie.
The wedding music starts and Al walks Kelly down the isle.
TATUM Your sister looks beautiful, Bud.
BUD The white dress is a bit of a stretch.
TATUM It wouldn't be on me.
BUD Oh, I think it would be.
Bud takes his seat, next to Peggy. Marcy and Jefferson are sitting behind them. Marcy whispers
to Jefferson about what happened with Lonnie. Jefferson passes the word to Griff. Kelly and
Lonnie are holding hands in front of the Reverend, ready to make their wedding vows.
REVRND Dearly beloved, we are gathered together to join this man and woman in holy matrimony.
[the word about Lonnie and Marcy reaches Peggy] If anyone can show just cause why they may
not be joined together; let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.
Peggy runs over to Al and whispers in his ear.
AL Okay, that's it, this wedding's off!
REVRND Oh, good. [checking his watch] I still have time to make the Adelstein funeral.
The Reverend leaves.
KELLY Daddy! You're ruining my wedding!
PEGGY [pointing at Lonnie] HE'S ruining your wedding. How dare you.
MR. and Mrs. Tot stand up.
MR TOT How dare he what?
AL I now have proof that this no good idiot jail-bird, while coming from a fine upstanding
Weenie family, is a two-timing snake.
Marcy appears behind Al.
MARCY Here here!
MRSTOT What are you yammering about??? Our son has done nothing wrong.
AL Your boy, Madam, who I like to refer to as "Dumbard", is still hitting on good looking
The scowl on Marcy's face turns to a wry smile.
MARCY Thanks, Al.
AL And on top of all that, he's just hit on one that looks like a man!
Marcy's smile fades and she walks away.
MR TOT Is that all? Lonnie, here, is just, oh, you know, fickle.
MRSTOT Sure, who cares?
KELLY Well, I care.
LONNIE You do?
LONNIE Well, now that I think about it, it kinda upset my other wives, too.
KELLY Your "other" wives!? [to the Tots] His, OTHER wives???
MR TOT Er, well, I said he was fickle. All of us Tots are. I've been married 5 times, myself.
MRSTOT And I got a boyfriend.
AL So that's the kind of low life scum you people are. No respect for the torturous sanctity
of marriage. Well, let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults... [everyone
sounds an agreement] we believe that marriage should be forever - no matter how pitiful or
disgusting it may be to wake up with the same horrifying face each day, that's what the
marriage vows are all about! Anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat,
should stay out of the whining sex-starved kitchen.
PEGGY You tell 'em, Al!
Bud gets up and stands next to Peggy.
BUD Er, Mom, he just called you fat and whiny.
PEGGY Oh? Well, I just heard the part about staying out of the kitchen.
MRSTOT Lonnie, we do not have to take this, we are Tots.
LONNIE Gee, I'm sorry, Kelly. You sure you don't wanna be a Tot?
KELLY You, know, I'd never thought I'd ever say this, but, right now I'd rather be a Bundy, so
[Kelly pokes out her tongue] nnnn.
The Tots leave and most of the wedding guests get up to go, too.
BUD Thanks, Dad, there went my last chance at unlimited wealth. Unless...
Bud looks around an sees Tatum, who blows him a kiss.
BUD [nearly in tears] No, I just can't do it!
Bud breaks down crying. He sits down and covers his tears.
PEGGY [to Kelly] Are you OK, Honey?
KELLY Yeah, I guess so. You know, I'm gonna miss Lonnie, but at least I have something that'll
always remind me of him.
AL The 10,000 dollar wedding debt?
KELLY No, Daddy, that's, that's yours. I got this... [holds up her hand and shows off her
engagement ring] and, of course, my loved ones to console me.
Bud stands up.
BUD Yeah, we're here for ya, Kel.
KELLY Not you...
Kelly runs back a few yards to a crowd of her old boyfriends.
The guys surround Kelly and she smiles happily.
Thank you, Married... with Children
For Eleven Great Seasons
And A Million Laughs
Consulting Producer Richard Gurman
Co-Executive Producers Vince Cheung
Executive Producer Pamela Eells
Directed by Gerry Cohen
Teleplay by Russell Marcus
Story by Vince Cheung
Created by Michael G. Moye
Co-Producer Michael Greenspon
Produced by John Maxwell Anderson
Creative Consultants Alan Eisenstock
Executive Story Editors Steve Faber
Story Editors Valerie Ahern
Story Editors Matthew Berry
Casting by Rick Millikan C.S.A.
Associate Director Sam W. Orender
Stage Managers Richard Draney
Music by Jonathan Wolff
Art Director Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director Alex Fuller
Edited by Larry Harris
Script Supervisor Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator Carl Studebaker
Carson G. Smith
Technical Director Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography Dan Kuleto
Audio J. Mark King
Cameras Steve Casaly
Re-recording Roy Pahlman
Production Staff Peter Alexander
Casting Associate Stacy Wise
Costumes Marti M. Squyers
Property Master Michael Semon
Make-up Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer Steven Ritt
Copyright 1997 ELP Communications.
Originally transcribed by Ade Bundy
Revised by Marriedaniac
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