DESPERATE HALF HOUR
Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog............Lucky
Peggy is sitting on the couch reading an advertisement on a card. Kelly sits next to Peggy.
KELLY I can't believe Dad's kicking us out of the house just to watch some stupid movie.
PEGGY Oh, it's OK honey, you and I are gonna have a terrific time at this strip show! [Peggy
laughs] It'll be just like your 12th birthday all over again.
KELLY OK, but this time you're the designated driver. [reaches into purse] All right, let's
check our equipment...
PEGGY Er, one's and five's...
KELLY [pulls out some money from her purse] Check!
PEGGY Wesson oil...
KELLY [takes spray bottle full of oil out of her purse] Check!
Peggy and Kelly laugh.
PEGGY A driver's license... just in case I get carded.
KELLY [laughing] That's a good one, Mom... [Kelly stops laughing because of a dirty look from
Peggy] I mean, check.
Al enters through the front door.
AL It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me,
I was trying to wedge a size 4 on her foot with my lucky shoehorn - the next minute, she
PEGGY The woman died in your store??
AL Not the woman, Peg, the shoehorn! [pulls out a broken shoehorn from his pocket] Look at
it, Peg... Crushed like a beer can at a Raiders' game! I'll tell you, Peg, the only thing
that kept me going was knowing that 'tonight' is the night!
PEGGY Oh, don't worry, honey, we will be gone by the time your little movie starts.
AL "Death Wish 6" is not a little movie! It is a once-in-a-lifetime, 3D, splattervision,
pay-per-view event! [takes 3D glasses out of his pocket and puts them on; looks at Peg and
recoils in horror] Arggh, Peg!
Kelly and Peg go to the closet to get their jackets. Bud enters from the basement.
BUD Hi! I need the house to myself tonight. My pen pal Starla just got outta prison, and she's
coming here to see me.
KELLY What's she look like?
BUD Supposedly like Cindy Crawford, but who cares? She's under 30, and hasn't been touched by
a man in years!
PEGGY Ah, she's just like me...
AL [to Peggy] Except that your crimes continue to go unpunished. [to all] Go away.
BUD Dad, Starla and I need some privacy. She's gonna do a body search and, uh, I've "hidden"
AL You all have exactly twelve and a half minutes to vacate the premises. I have every
movement timed down to the final second, including this one.
Al picks up a newspaper, places it under his arm and heads for the upstairs bathroom.
KELLY Come on, Mom, let's go. We wanna get a pole-side table, don't we?
PEGGY Wait a minute, honey, come help me find my punch-card. I think I'm due a free lap dance!
Peggy and Kelly run upstairs.
There is a knock at the door, Bud goes to answer it.
STARLA I'm looking for Bud Bundy.
BUD I'm Bud... and you must be Starla?
STARLA You don't look like Brad Pitt!
BUD Well, you don't look like Cindy Crawford, either.
STARLA No, but I've got a gun... [pulls out gun] This is a hold-up, come on!
Starla grabs Bud around neck and puts the gun to his head, she drags him into the middle of the
BUD [giggling] Starla, I hope you don't think I'm weird, but this is kind of turning me on a
STARLA You sicko! [pushes Bud away, and looks around] You told me you lived in a French
provincial estate. My cell is nicer than this dump.
BUD Starla, I, I lied to you because I knew I wasn't good enough for you. We don't, we don't
have any money... and, uh, I don't play for the Bulls either.
STARLA [grabs Bud by the collar] I ought to beat you up...
BUD Would you mind putting on a nightie first?
Peggy and Kelly come downstairs.
KELLY See you later, guys. [notices Starla] Oh, hey, bye.
PEGGY Oh good, your friend came. You guys have a great time!
Peggy and Kelly start to walk out the front door.
STARLA Hey hey hey hey! [puts gun to Bud's head] I'm on the run, I've got nothing to lose! Either
you and your sisters co-operate, or someone's gonna get hurt!
PEGGY Sisters??? [laughs] I like her.
Peggy and Kelly put up their hands.
ACT ONE same scene continued
KELLY Mom, I'm scared.
PEGGY Don't worry, she doesn't know that Daddy's upstairs... he's our secret weapon.
KELLY [sadly] Yeah, if he leaves the bathroom door open!
Lonnie, Starla's good-looking, hick boyfriend, comes in through the side door.
STARLA What're you doing? I told you to wait in the car!
LONNIE Well, I thought you might need some help carrying the picnic lunch your friends made for
us. [shakes Bud's hand] Howdy, I'm Lonnie, Starla's boyfriend. [notices the gun] Starla!
Where did you get that gun?
PEGGY Wake up, Jethro. She's escaped from prison.
LONNIE [laughs] She didn't escape! I was right there picking her up... they let her out that
special drainpipe exit in the woods, so the media wouldn't harass her.
BUD [whining] Mom, I can't believe she dumped me for this guy! He's a total moron!
Sappy love music starts playing; Kelly looks at Lonnie and falls in love.
STARLA Now, we're gonna need a getaway car... we're taking the Porsche!
KELLY No, not the Porsche!
STARLA [to Kelly] Give Lonnie the keys!
Kelly takes the keys to the Dodge out of Al's jacket and gives them to Lonnie.
LONNIE Thank you.
KELLY I'm Kelly. [giggles] Umm, the garage is through that door.
Lonnie heads for door, but he can't take his eyes off Kelly, so naturally he bangs into the
STARLA Now, we're gonna need some food for the road. [points gun at Peg] You! Go cook us
PEGGY You animal!
Peggy runs into kitchen, crying.
STARLA Don't think about trying to poison us, either!
BUD Yeah, uh, she doesn't have to think about it. It, uh, just sort of happens.
Peggy is holding a potato in one hand and a frying pan in the other. She has a confused and
frightened look on her face. Kelly tries to console Peggy.
KELLY All right, it's OK, Mom, it's OK, it's OK!
Lonnie comes back in from the garage.
LONNIE Now, I may not be the best mechanic in town but, I'm pretty sure that's not a Porsche...
may not even be a car.
KELLY He's so smart!
Peggy gives Kelly a strange look. A knock is heard at the door.
JEFFSN [from outside] It's Jefferson! Is anyone home?
PEGGY That's our neighbor! [to Starla] You better surrender now, 'cause he used to be with the
CIA and he is a trained killer!
Jefferson enters -- wearing a sheep costume.
JEFFSN Sorry to just BAAArge in! [laughs hysterically] Ah, Marcy and I had to show you our
costumes. We're going on a charity masquerade cruise.
Jefferson twirls around to show off his costume. Starla puts the gun to Jefferson's face.
Jefferson lets out a girlish scream. Marcy enters. She is wearing a Little Bo Peep costume.
MARCY [singing] Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep... [sees Lonnie and Starla] Oh, sorry, I
didn't know you had company. [closes door] Wow, are you guys going on the cruise too?
Great costumes! Wait, let me guess... [points at Lonnie] Grease monkey and... [points at
Starla] Psychotic trailer trash, right?
PEGGY Uh, Marcy...
MARCY [snatches Starla's gun away from her] Oh, I love your props, they're so lifelike!
[everyone ducks for cover] Hahaha, eat lead, street scum! Hahaha!
Peggy, Kelly and Jefferson point at Starla.
PEGGY Shoot her!
KELLY Shoot her!
JEFFSN Shoot her!
MARCY [points gun at Starla] Bang bang, you're dead. [laughs] Oh, this is such fun, [hands gun
back to Starla] Here you go.
JEFFSN No, don't give her the gun!
STARLA No, fun is busting a cap in Little Bo Peep's ass!!
PEGGY Marcy, this is Starla. She's broken outta prison and she's here to rob us!
JEFFSN Of what?
STARLA Everybody in the corner!
MARCY [whispering] Jefferson, DO something!
Jefferson walks over to Starla.
JEFFSN Exactly which corner would you like? [Starla points the gun at Jefferson] Right...
STARLA Everybody shut up, I gotta think.
LONNIE [to Kelly] Man, Starla really surprised me with this whole thing... I didn't even have
time to learn how to speak Canadian.
KELLY Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I always wanted to go to Australia, but I don't speak a
word of Australian... Oh, except for um, 'coo-ola'. [meaning 'koala']
Kelly and Lonnie laugh.
LONNIE I love coo-olas! I got one tattooed on my... [whispers in Kelly's ear] Starla doesn't like
it, she says it makes me look cheap.
KELLY What're you doing with her anyway? I mean, don't you think she's kinda... trampy?
LONNIE Well, that's my type. [laughs] Besides, Starla said it'd be, it'd be real hard for me to
find another girlfriend on account of how ugly I am.
Starla smashes a vase over Lonnie's head and pulls him away from Kelly.
STARLA Get away from her!
LONNIE [to Kelly] She's very moody.
Marcy, Peggy, Bud and Jefferson are huddled together in another corner of the living room.
Marcy whispers to the others.
MARCY We have got to get the gun away from her. Now, we need someone big and strong and
JEFFSN [to Bud] Where IS your father?
STARLA [to Bud] Hey! You told me your father was dead.
BUD That's right! He died. [sound of toilet flushing] Before he could fix the plumbing.
Al comes down the stairs, singing.
AL Old Charles Bronson had a gun, E I E I O, and with this gun he killed some scum,
E I E I... [Starla points the gun at Al's face] Oh!
[to Starla] You're from the cable company, aren't you?
PEGGY Al, she's not from the cable company, she's Bud's pen pal and she's come here to rob us!
AL [to Bud] Y'see, that's why we don't allow you to have friends, Bud! [to Starla] Now
listen, you're obviously disappointed in Bud, we are too! [runs to couch] But you see, I
already paid for this movie, AND I had to buy a 200-ounce Bladder Buster [holds up a giant
cup of soda] to get these! [points to his 3D glasses] So why don't you just go...
Starla shoots the remote control out of Al's hand.
PEGGY Oh my God! [runs to Al, but pushes him aside and picks up the broken remote] My baby!
[crying] Why, Why, Why?
PEGGY Poor Clicky! Oh, so young and so many channels left to change!
AL Yeah, big tough broad picking on a helpless little remote, aren't ya? You wouldn't be so
tough without that gun, now would ya?
STARLA No, you idiot, that's why I've got it! [points gun at Al]
AL Kinda what I said, isn't it? [runs away]
Police sirens are heard outside.
PEGGY Oh Al, I'm afraid. Hold me!
AL Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here. It's important I maintain my will to live.
BUD OK, Dad, now we've gotta come up with a plan. What would Charles Bronson do?
AL Well, he'd usually go on a revenge spree after his loved ones were brutally slaughtered.
BUD [whimpers] Think of something else!
AL All right, all right. I've come up with a plan - it's dangerous and risky, I'll need a
Peg, Bud, Marcy, and Jefferson all mumble negatively.
AL Oh, thanks a lot! [Al goes to Lucky and whispers] Lucky, here boy! Go get the cops, go get
the cops! Good boy. Good boy. [Lucky runs out the side door] What a good dog - loyal,
strong and brave.
A cat and dog fight can be heard outside, it ends with a dog yelping.
AL We may need an alternate plan... I've got another idea!
MARCY Ah-ha, are you going to command a squadron of flies from your hamper to attack?
AL If I could command those flies, do you think you'd still be alive?!
PEGGY Al, please DO something!
AL I'm about to, Peg. I'm toting around 200 ounces of Mister Pip!
[to Starla] Hey, girlie, mind if I hit the can?
STARLA All right. Lonnie, go with him [Lonnie isn't there] Lonnie? Where the hell are you?
Lonnie comes out of the back room, wiping his mouth.
LONNIE Er... still looking for that Porsche. [laughs nervously]
Al and Lonnie run upstairs. Kelly comes out of the back room.
MARCY [to Kelly] Were you back there with Lonnie?
PEGGY Kelly, are you crazy?
KELLY Oh you guys, we were just talking! [walks into kitchen with a guilty look on face] We
happen to have a lot in common... We both hate green eggs and ham, but we think the book's
MARCY [to Jefferson] Remember, no matter how she threatens us, do NOT tell her about the
STARLA Hey, what're you whispering about?
JEFFSN [quickly] We have a Mercedes - it's next door - take it - here are the keys!
MARCY NO, I won't let you!
Marcy snatches the keys from Starla and puts them down her blouse, but there is nothing to stop
the keys from falling straight down to the floor.
STARLA Give me the keys.
MARCY No Starla, you know it's not too late to turn your life around... So, you're gonna blow
away the Bundys. What's that, a $10 fine? But grand theft auto... You're better than that.
Inside you is a confused, misunderstood person who doesn't need a Mercedes, just a second
STARLA Yeah, I'll think that over when I'm ditching your car in a lake!
Starla grabs the keys.
MARCY [yelling] I hope you fry! Y'know, there's not enough voltage in Illinois and I'm gonna
shave your head with a...
Marcy is immediately silenced when Starla points the gun at her. Jefferson pulls Marcy away.
STARLA Now everybody, down on the floor! Now!
PEGGY Ewww, do you know how long it's been since these floors were washed?
The sound of a helicopter is heard outside. Lonnie and Al come down stairs.
STARLA Come on Lonnie, we gotta make a break for it!
AL What's going on?
KELLY [pointing to Jefferson] Cotton Balls over there, handed over the keys to their Mercedes.
JEFFSN They're wool.
AL Mercedes, that's a good idea! May I suggest you take a hostage with you? Perhaps the
registered owner of the car.
JEFFSN [picking up Marcy] Whew, that would be her.
BUD [to Starla] Before you go, just one thing - Did you and the girls ever pass the time by
spanking each other with license plates?
Starla slaps Bud.
BUD Oh, I'm really gonna miss you.
Lucky comes back into the house through the side door, carrying a cornstalk.
AL [to Lucky] I said cops, not crops!
KELLY Is it me, or is that dog really stupid?
JEFFSN Yeah, but he's kinda cute.
Jefferson pets Lucky and sappy love music starts playing. Lucky falls in love with a giant sheep
- namely, Jefferson.
STARLA We're outta here!
As Starla opens the front door, Griff walks in.
GRIFF [wearing 3D glasses] Al, has the movie started yet?
STARLA [points gun in Griff's face] Hit the floor, butthead!
GRIFF Aw man! I missed the beginning. [stares at gun, thinking that it's part of the 3D movie]
Damn, this 3D is incredible!
AL Take off the glasses, Griff.
Griff takes off the glasses and sees the reality of his predicament.
GRIFF Sorry, wrong house. That Negro family, where they live? Next door?
Griff tries to leave, but he is stopped by Starla.
STARLA Sit down and shut up!
AL [to Griff] Didn't you see the help sign I hung out of the bathroom window?
GRIFF Al, you've been hanging help signs ever since I've known you.
Kelly and Lonnie are hiding in the kitchen.
KELLY Well, I'm not really good at writing letters, especially the capital ones, but for you
I'll do anything.
STARLA Lonnie, move your ass!! [points gun] I will see you losers in hell!
Starla and Lonnie run out the front door.
MARCY [runs at door] Super premium unleaded only, please! [sobbing] Jefferson, I feel so
JEFFSN Me too.
Lucky is humping Jefferson's leg.
AL Is everybody OK? Then get out!
Al sits on the couch next to Griff, they look at each other with their 3D glasses and scream.
The sound of sirens are heard outside again, then Starla and Lonnie come back into the house.
STARLA All right, get down and shut up! Oh, this sucks! The minute I set foot in this dump, my
life went straight to hell.
AL So did mine.
The phone rings, and Kelly answers it.
KELLY Hello? [announces] It's the police. Yeah, Starla's here but she's busy holding us hostage,
but can I take a message?
Bud grabs the phone.
BUD Just, give me the phone! Hello, this is Bud Bundy... Yeah, the guy with the dolls...
Starla drags Al out the front door at gun-point.
STARLA Now, listen up, pigs! I want a car to the airport, I want a plane to Brazil and $50,000
AL I demand the same thing.
Griff appears behind Al, holding up a Bladder Buster food bucket.
GRIFF And I need more Mountain Dew!
Starla pushes them both back inside.
LONNIE Oh lord, I've never been in trouble with the police before.
KELLY Yeah, me neither... well, except for graduation night at the academy.
LONNIE Y'know Kelly, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for several minutes. You
make me feel all funny, like my insides turning to whipped cream.
KELLY Well, when I look at you, my legs turn to Jello.
LONNIE Y'know, whip cream and Jello, they go real good together. [laughs]
KELLY Oooh, you're making me hungry.
Kelly and Lonnie laugh. A police officer shouts outside the house.
POLICE Come out with your hands up!
STARLA Oh, that's it! I'm gonna start offing people.
LONNIE Well then you're gonna have to off me first, Starla, 'cause we're finished - I don't want
a life of crime.
STARLA But you want a life of trash?
LONNIE If that trash's name is Kelly Bundy, then yes ma'am, I do! I love you, Kelly!
Lonnie and Kelly hug.
AL You happy now, Peg? You drove both our children into the arms of criminals!
PEGGY Well, I... I just wanted them to do better than I did.
KELLY Lonnie, I don't usually say this fully clothed, but... I love you too!
Kelly an Lonnie hug again.
STARLA Well, thank you very much, blondie. You made it real easy for me to decide who's getting
LONNIE Starla, no!
Starla points the gun at Kelly, Lonnie grabs her, and Al jumps in the way just as the gun goes
off. Al staggers onto the couch.
PEGGY Al's been hit!
JEFFSN Al, say something!
MARCY Get outta the way, I know CPR!
AL [sits up screaming] I'm fine! I'm fine!
PEGGY Oh Al! We thought you were shot!
AL I was, Peg... [takes his lucky shoehorn out of his pocket. There is a bullet lodged in it]
Looks like my little lucky shoehorn must've had a little luck left.
The cops rush in.
COP All right, we're here! [sees Bud on top of Starla on the floor] Sir, please, dismount the
BUD All right.
Bud quickly kisses Starla.
STARLA Get off me!
KELLY You saved my life! [pushes Al out of the way] Move, Dad!
Kelly hugs Lonnie again.
AL Hey Kelly, who's gonna have the imprint of a shoehorn in his chest the rest of his life?
KELLY Daddy, this is no time for riddles, OK? Lonnie almost died!
COP [grabs Lonnie and Starla] Let's go, dirt bags!
BUD Wait, wait! [runs to Starla] Can we still be pen pals?
STARLA Oh, what the hell! Write to me in care of the hole.
LONNIE Wait, wait! Kelly, this is not how I dreamt of this moment, [kneels] but neither could I
have dreamt of meeting someone as beautiful, and perfect and smart as you. Kelly Bundy,
will you marry me?
KELLY I thought you'd never ask. [hugs] I'll wait for you!
LONNIE I will too, my darling. [cops drag him away] No matter whose wife I am in prison, I'll
always be your husband!
Lonnie is hauled out the door.
KELLY That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard!
PEGGY Oh Al, our little girl's getting married. Isn't life wonderful?
AL [to his lucky shoehorn] Damn you!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Consulting Producer: RICHARD GURMAN
Co-Executive Producers: VINCE CHEUNG, BEN MONTANIO, RUSSELL MARCUS
Executive Producer: PAMELA EELLS
Directed by: GERRY COHEN
Written by : VALERIE AHERN & CHRISTIAN McLAUGHLIN
Created by : RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
Co-Producer: MICHAEL GREENSPON
Produced by: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON
Creative Consultants: ALAN EISENSTOCK & LARRY MINTZ
Executive Story Editors: STEVE FABER & BOB FISHER
Story Editors: VALERIE AHERN, CHRISTIAN McLAUGHLIN, ERIC ABRAMS, MATTHEW BERRY
Casting by: RICK MILLIKAN C.S.A.
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" Lyrics by SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
Performed by FRANK SINATRA
Associate Director: SAM W. ORENDER
Stage Managers: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT, SAL BALDOMAR
Music: JONATHAN WOLFF
Art Director: RICHARD IMPROTA
Assistant Art Director: ALEX FULLER
Edited by: LARRY HARRIS, LEE GRAY
Script Supervisor: KITTY ROURKE
Production Co-Ordinator: CARL STUDEBAKER, CARSON G. SMITH
Technical Director: ROBERT A. BOWEN
Director of Photography: DAN KULETO
Audio: J. MARK KING, RANDY FAUSTINO, SCOTT GLICKMAN, ALAN ZEMA
Cameras: STEVE CASALY; BETTINA LEVESQUE; JIM LUNSFORD & DENNIS TURNER
Re-Recording: ROY PAHLMAN & JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
Production Staff: PETER ALEXANDER, NINA BERRY, ZUZANA CERNIK, CYNDI
HOGLE, CHRISTY LATUSEK, GLORIA VELASQUEZ, BRANDON WAINWRIGHT
Casting Associate: STACY WISE
Costumes: MARTI M. SQYURES
Property Master: MICHAEL SEMON
Make-up: KATHY ROGERS
Hair Stylist: DOTTIE McQUOWN
Dog Trainer: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1996 ELP COMMUNICATIONS COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of
Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national giving effect thereto.
Transcribed by Alessandro and Ade Bundy
Revised by Marriedaniac
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