TRANSCRIPT:

1122 (256)

LEZ BE FRIENDS




Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy / Mandy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog...........Lucky


Guest Cast

Elaine Hendrix..........Elaine



PROLOGUE

Peggy is on the couch, playing cards. 
Kelly comes downstairs and walks into the kitchen where Bud is getting something out
of the cupboard.

KELLY   Hey, Mom. Hey guys, I think we haven't been paying much attention to Lucky.

PEGGY   [not looking up from her cards] Who's Lucky?

BUD     Any guy who goes out on a date with Kelly?

Kelly shuts the cupboard door on Bud's finger. Bud cries out in pain.

KELLY   Oops. But hasn't anyone else noticed that he seems kind of depressed?

PEGGY   Well, what makes you think something like that?

Kelly points to Lucky, who has his head in the oven.



OPENING CREDITS


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peggy is still on the couch.
Al and Bud are trying to wheel in a big box - that contains a foosball table -
inside. 

BUD     Easy easy now...

AL      Iím goiní, I'm goiní... We're gonna have so much fun with this damn thing, Bud.

Bud squashes his hand between the door frame and the box and cries out in pain again.

AL      Watch it! You'll nick the side of the box.

PEGGY   You are never going to get that big stupid thing in here.

AL      That's what I said when I carried you over the thresh-hold.

Al and Bud manage to wheel the box inside.
Marcy and Jefferson enter with bags of food.

MARCY   Hi, neighbors! Look, we brought you some things...

Marcy is cut off by Peg, Bud and Al running over and grabbing food hastily out of
Marcy and Jefferson's arms.

AL      [To Bud] Watch it now; I'll kill you for that!

JEFF    Told you we should have used the feed pole.

MARCY   Well, enjoy. And there's plenty more where that came from. All you have to do
        is stay inside the entire weekend. Okay?

AL      [With his mouth full of food] Why?

MARCY   Well... Um, my cousin Mandy is coming for a visit, and how can I put this
        delicately... I don't want her to be repulsed by you.

JEFF    Not that you're repulsive.

Al lets out a ripper burp.

MARCY   Enough said. But you know, it's been years since I've seen Mandy and we were
        once very close. In fact, we're identical.

AL      So, she's as obnoxious as you?

BUD     Identical cousins. There's no such thing.

PEGGY   Well, sure there is! Samantha and Serena; Patty and Kathy...

MARCY   Exactly. [Singing] We walk alike, we talk alike, sometimes we even something
        alike.

AL      So there's another one out there exactly like you?

MARCY   Well, not exactly. I am a little prettier.

BUD     She's the pretty one, imagine what the cousin looks like.

AL      You see I'm trying to eat here!


SCENE TWO

Al and Bud are playing foosball, while Peggy is playing cards.

AL      Watch it now, watch it now, watch it... he shoots, he scores! I win again!

BUD     Relax, Dad. It's just foosball.

AL      "Just" foosball, son? This is the greatest invention ever made. Edward Foos
        was a boy with a dream. A dream to invent a game that everyone could enjoy no
        matter how out of shape or drunk you are.

Bud gives Al a weird look and leaves.

AL      The boy's not right, Peg. I knew that the day we dropped him on his head and
        he didn't scream.

The doorbell rings and Al answers it to Marcy's cousin, Mandy, who looks exactly like
Marcy except that she has short, dark hair.

MANDY   Hi, I'm Man...

AL      [Cutting her off] Nice wig, Marce. Hey Peg, look here - the fifth Beatle!

Al laughs and slams the door in Mandy's face. Mandy rings the doorbell twice and Al 
opens it again.

MANDY   I'm not Marcy. I'm Mandy. Marcy's cousin?

PEGGY   Wow! You and Marcy really do look alike.

MANDY   You think so? Yeah, I know I'm no supermodel, but I never really thought I
        looked like a chicken.

Al giggles.

AL      I like her.

PEGGY   Uh, Marcy and Jefferson went to meet you at the airport.

MANDY   Oh. Well, my flight was early so I took a cab. You mind if I wait here?

AL      No, not at all, not at all. [Marcy comes inside] 'Course here in The Windy
        City it's customary to tip people who let you into their home.

MANDY   You must be Al.

PEGGY   Sadly, he must.

MANDY   [Looking towards the foosball table] Hey, foosball. You any good?

AL      Is your cousin flat-chested?


SCENE THREE

Al and Mandy are playing foosball, with Peg watching them.

MANDY   Oh, score! Aha, I'm ahead.

AL      Lucky shot!! That was a lucky shot!

A new game commences.

PEGGY   Uh, now can I play?

AL      [Looking up from the game] Not now, Peg.

MANDY   SCORE! Ha ha, I win.

Marcy and Jefferson enter.

MARCY   We couldn't find my cousin any... [Notices Mandy] Eeeeee! Mandy!!

MANDY   Marcy!

Mandy runs over to Marcy. They stand apart, looking at each other. Al cringes at the
sight. Mandy and Marcy embrace each other.

MANDY   You look great!

MARCY   Oooh, so do you! [pauses] What are you doing here?

AL      Uh, we didn't go out, she came in. Which reminds me, we're, we're out of onion
        dip.

MARCY   Mandy, this is my Jefferson.

Marcy shows Jefferson to Mandy, then stands back next to Mandy and then both women
fold their arms simultaneously.

MARCY   Don't you wish you had one just like him?

AL      You mean there's another one of him, too?

MANDY   My, you're even better looking than Marcy said.

JEFF    Oh, so are you.

Mandy blushes while Marcy looks saddened.

JEFF    Honey, why did you say you were the pretty one?

Marcy looks disappointedly at Jefferson.

AL     [Grabbing Mandy's arm] Come on now, we're right in the middle of a game!

Al hauls Mandy back to the foosball table.
Marcy, sulking, sits on the couch next to Peg.

PEGGY   Marcy, if you guys are identical, how come she has... ?

MARCY   Implants.

JEFF    [Intrigued] Really? [Marcy looks at him] Not that I like big, luscious breasts.
        [Marcy keeps staring at him] They'd just... get in the way.


SCENE FOUR

Kelly and Bud are standing looking out the back door at a hyperactive Lucky, who is
jumping up and down in the backyard.

BUD     Those pills the vet gave Lucky really have pepped him up.

KELLY   Don't you think that he's a little bit too hyper?

Lucky starts doing backflips.

BUD     Nah, no. He's fine.

Lucky starts digging wildly.

BUD     Ah, he's burying a bone.

A tree falls over.

BUD     You know, we should give some of those pills to Mom.

KELLY   I did. How do you think she got off the couch?

Kelly and Bud leave. They bypass Marcy, who comes in with a bag of groceries. 
She walks over to the kitchen table where Peg is sitting.

MARCY   Hi, Peggy. I got your bonbons. [She gives the bonbons to Peg] Guess what? I am
        making Jefferson his favorite supper tonight.

PEGGY   Why?

MARCY   Because, if a wife doesn't do it, then some other woman might come along and
        steal him away. Even someone you'd least suspect, you know... like a...
        cousin. You know, a cousin that all the boys like best because she's such fun.
        Boys like Jimmy Miller who'd show Mandy his baseball cards and play keep-away
        with little Marcy's undershirt!

PEGGY   Marcy, I'm really worried. Maybe we shouldn't have let Mandy spend the day 
        with Al and Jefferson.

MARCY   Why, Peggy Bundy. If I didn't know better I'd say you were jealous.

Al and Mandy enter, laughing. Mandy is carrying a t-shirt.

AL      What a game!

MANDY   Yeah, what was the final score?

AL      37 to 14.

MARCY   That doesn't sound like a baseball score.

AL      It's not! That's how many beers and hotdogs we had before we decided to pants
        Jefferson.

They high five.
Jefferson enters, wearing a towel instead of his pants.

JEFF    Hahaha, yeah, you kidders. Luckily it was Souvenir Towel Day at the ball park.

MANDY   Hey, Marce, got you a t-shirt.

Mandy throws the shirt to Marcy, but Jefferson catches it instead. 

JEFF    Keep away!

Jefferson, Al and Mandy begin playing keep-away with Marcy's shirt. Marcy, upset,
tries to catch it.

MARCY   You people are so immature! Give it back or I'm telling!

Mandy has the shirt and teasingly hands it back to Marcy.
Jefferson gives a baseball to Mandy.

MANDY   Hey, look what Jefferson gave me. Caught a foul ball.

JEFF    Oh, well, actually, it's a home run ball, but, you know, no big deal.

MARCY   He's been trying to catch one of those his whole life. Excuse me. 
        [Quietly to Al] Al, new deal. How would you like a nice, juicy pot roast for
        supper?

AL      With those little potatoes?

MARCY   Biscuits, and gravy...

AL      What do I gotta do?

MARCY   All you have to do is keep Mandy away from Jefferson until she leaves tomorrow.

AL      I can do that. [Loudly] Mandy! You wanna stay for dinner tonight?

Mandy nods, then she and Al go into the kitchen.
Marcy leads Jefferson to the door.

MARCY   Jefferson and I need a little alone time. Come on, honey.

JEFF    Oh, you know, I think I'll stay and hang out with Mandy. [Marcy grabs him by
        his ear] OW! Or I could come now.

Marcy herds him out the door.

AL      Hey, Peg, how would you like a pot roast dinner tonight with all the fixin's?

PEGGY   Oooh, where are we going?

AL      The kitchen.

PEGGY   I'm not cooking.

MANDY   I'll do it; I love to cook.

AL      Why can't you be more like Mandy, Peg? She likes foosball, baseball, she likes
        to cook... she's just like a wife but... fun!

Peggy stands up from the table.

PEGGY   So marry her!

Peggy marches out of the room.

AL      How 'bout it, Mandy? Me and you in Vegas, a honeymoon at Football Fantasy Camp.

MANDY   Sounds fun, Al, but uh, I'm involved.

AL      Yeah? Who's the lucky guy?

MANDY   Barbara.

AL      Barbara? Well, that sounds like he might be a little light in the loafers, eh?

MANDY   Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.

AL      She?

MANDY   Yes, Al. I'm gay.

Al looks perplexed.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al is sitting on the couch, Mandy on the armchair.

AL      Gay???

MANDY   I can see that you're shocked, Al. Why did you think I went with you to the
        Jiggly Room?

AL      I thought you were being a good sport.

MANDY   Why do you think I was blowing kisses to all the strippers?

AL      You're aiming at me and missing? Did any of them kiss back? [Mandy nods] But
        not Lola, huh?

MANDY   Of course not; Lola's a guy.

AL      WHAT!? 

Mandy sits next to Al.

MANDY   Calm down, Al.

AL      That can't be... Oh, how did a thing like this happen to you? What, did you get
        stood up for the prom? Or you went to prison? I know, it was summer camp,
        wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping. And the beautiful blonde
        counsellor - let's call her Betty - carried you back to her cabin and gave you
        a massage. And before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girl sex
        cult.

MANDY   Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?

AL      Yeah. My favorite.

MANDY   Mine too. So you donít uh, have a problem with two women being together?

AL      Ooh, no... as long as there's a guy watchin'!

Mandy punches Al playfully in the arm. Al laughs and does the same to Mandy, who then
punches Al again, but this time Al reacts in pain.
Mandy makes her way over to the door.

MANDY   Well, I've told everyone in the family except for Marcy. How do you think she's
        gonna take it?

AL      Are you crazy? She's had a lot weirder sex stuff than that.

MANDY   Shouldn't be surprised. She used to have to pay boys to kiss her.

AL      She still does.

Mandy leaves.
Peggy comes downstairs.

PEGGY   So, Al, has your little friend finally gone home, or would you like her to
        sleep over?

AL      Peg, uh, you don't have to worry about Mandy.

PEGGY   Why, because you only have eyes for me?

AL      [Laughing] Noooo. No, Peg, uh... Mandy's gay.

PEGGY   She is??

AL      Yes, Peg! I'm surprised you couldn't pick it up. I never miss a thing like
        that. Gay-dar.


SCENE TWO

Kelly is preparing Lucky for a date. He is wearing a bow tie and is sitting at a small
table for two. Bud comes out of the basement.

BUD     It's a good thing the vet took Lucky off those puppy uppers. Yesterday he was
        chasing cars - and passing them.

KELLY   Well, the vet said that the pills were just masking his pain. I think he's
        depressed 'cause he's lonely. So I, uh, set up this little date for him.

The doorbell rings.

BUD     Kelly, only an idiot would help a dog to date.

Bud opens the door to Elaine, a pretty blonde girl, and her dog, Frisky.

BUD     I'm Bud, I'll be your waiter this evening.

Bud takes Frisky. Kelly joins them.

KELLY   Hey, Elaine. Hey, Frisky! Frisky, that's Lucky and this [gestures to Bud, and makes 
        an L (for Loser) symbol with her hand] is Loser.

ELAINE  Hi, Kelly.

KELLY   Hi.

BUD     Bye, Kelly.

Kelly makes her way out, but stops at the door, turns around to Bud and makes a
suggestive kissy movement.
Bud shuts the door, then he and Elaine walk over to the table for their dogs.

BUD     So, Frisky and Lucky. Let's hope that also describes their owners!

ELAINE  I can't believe you went to so much trouble. I love that you love your dog this
        much.

BUD     Well, we want to do whatever it takes to get our "furry little friends"
        together.

Bud turns off the lamp and presses play on the stereo. "Puppy Love" starts to play. 
Bud leads Elaine to the couch and they sit.
Frisky looks at Lucky. Elaine looks lovingly at Bud. Bud looks at Elaine, then at the
camera with a mischievous "I'm gonna get some" look on his face. Elaine leans over to
kiss Bud, but Lucky yelps.

ELAINE  Oh! I'm sorry. I'll be more gentle.

BUD     That wasn't me. No, I don't make that noise until later.

Lucky yawns.

BUD     Lucky, be nice. She's company.

Bud tries to look down Elaine's dress.

ELAINE  Your dog doesn't like my dog very much.

BUD     Sure he does. He's just playing hard to get.

Lucky turns away from Frisky. Bud walks over to him.

BUD     Okay, so she's not your type. Can't you just close your eyes and pretend she's
        Lassie? It's worked for me.

Lucky runs away. Elaine comes over and picks up Frisky.

ELAINE  I can't believe how rude your dog is.

BUD     Me neither. I'll have him put to sleep. We'll ah, weíll just play with your dog.

Bud reaches for Frisky but she growls and Bud recoils.

ELAINE  I have a better idea. Why don't you play with yourself?

Elaine leaves.


SCENE THREE

The living room in darkness.
There's a knock at the door, the lights come on, Al starts down the stairs in his pajamas.
More knocking.
About 2 steps away from the door, Peg bellows out from upstairs:

PEGGY   Al, get the door!

More knocking.

AL      I'm trying to, Peg.

Al opens the door to Mandy, who has a suitcase in her hands.

MANDY   Well, so much for honesty.

AL      She kicked you out? 

He beckons Mandy inside.

MANDY   Well, not right away. First she started screaming, and babbling something about
        an undershirt. I hate to impose, but can I crash on your couch?

AL      Well, that depends... won't turn to gay will it?

MANDY   No I don't think so, Al.

AL      [laughing] Jus' checkin'. Well, I'd better be getting on upstairs. 
        Um, oh, ah, I trust you're enough of a lady not to whistle at my tight little
        behind as I go up the stairs.

MANDY   Al, I told you, I'm gay.

AL      That may well be, but there are some things no woman can resist.

Al starts up the stairs, trying to emphasis his butt with every step.
Mandy snuggles into the couch, ignoring him.

AL      Hey, Mandy. I have a question. Do you just like certain women, or would you
        sleep with any woman on earth before you'd sleep with a man?

He sits down beside Mandy.

MANDY   Well, that depends. Give me a 'for instance'.

AL      Hmmm, for instance, uhhhhh, you're on a desert island... who would you rather
        be with, me or Cindy Crawford?

MANDY   Cindy.

AL      Me... or Phyllis Diller?

MANDY   Phyllis.

AL      Me... or Marge Schott?

MANDY   You. But the whole time we'd be doing it I'd be thinking of Phyllis Diller. 

Al starts up the stairs. Mandy snuggles down into the couch to sleep. 
The lights go off.


SCENE FOUR

More knocking on the door. Al goes to answer it.

PEGGY   [from upstairs] Al-lllll, get the door.

AL      [Standing to attention] Yes, My Queen!  

Al opens the door to Jefferson.

AL      Oh, Jefferson, what the hell do you want? 

He sits down beside Mandy again.

JEFF    A place to sleep. 

He walks in, and shuts the door.

JEFF    Hey wait a minute. What, what are you two doing down here together in your
        pajamas? [He pauses, then wedges himself down beside Mandy on the couch] I
        thought you were uh, gay. 

Jefferson has a very interested look in his eye.

MANDY   I am.

JEFF    [still letting his libido-driven imagination lead him] Does Peggy know about
        this?

AL      Peggy sent me down here!

JEFF    Ah-ohh. You people are... [looking very interested at Mandy] ... sick.

AL      Yes we are, Jefferson. Sick enough to turn your head into a gravy boat if you
        don't get the hell out of here.

JEFF    I can't leave. Marcy's mad at me just because I called out... [drops voice
        lower] ... Mandy's name in bed.

Peggy comes downstairs.

PEGGY   Excuse me. [to Mandy] You know, for a lesbian you sure spend a lot of time with
        men. [To Jeff] What are you doing here in your pajamas?

JEFF    Oh, I'm sorry, Peggy. Marcy kicked me out... [to Mandy] and she threw away our
        ball.

PEGGY   Al Bundy, this is all your fault!

AL      Why is it all my fault??

PEGGY   It just is! Get up! [Peg hauls Al to his feet and pushes him to the door] 
        I want you to go over to Marcy's and tell her to get her relatives out of my
        house!

AL      Oh, that's a good idea Peg, because when I see Marcy in her pajamas I'll have 
        a seizure. And then on my way to the hospital, between the blaring of the
        sirens and the paramedics yelling "clear", maybe then I can get some sleep. 

Al leaves and slams the door.


SCENE FIVE

Marcy's bedroom.
Marcy is sitting on her bed, cutting up photos.

MARCY   I hate Mandy! Hate Mandy. Hate Mandy. I hate her, hate her, hate her, hate her...

AL      [Calling off screen] Marcy!

Marcy opens her door to Al.

MARCY   What are you doing up here?

AL      Oh, you know me - can't keep me out of a shrill woman's bedroom!

MARCY   Go home.

AL      I'd like to, but my living room is full of women, men and your cousin. Why is
        that, Marcy?

MARCY   'Cause I hate Mandy! And I never want to speak to her again!

AL      Well, that's understandable, no one should have to speak with family. If I were
        King I'd make it a law! But you're the tree-hugging bra-burner around here;
        what do you care if she's gay?

MARCY   I don't hate Mandy because she's gay! I hate Mandy because... Everyone likes
        her better than meeee!

Marcy, now crying, hugs Al for comfort. Al tries to back away from her without much
success.

MARCY   All our lives, Mandy was the talented one, Mandy was the popular one...

AL      The pretty one?

Marcy gives Al a saddened look.

MARCY   She stole all my boyfriends, and now I found out she doesn't even want them!
        [She blows her nose in Al's pajama top] Why [sob] does [sob] everyone [sob]
        like [sob] her [sob] better [sob] than meeee??

AL      Well, for starters, she never blew her nose in my pajama top.

MARCY   I know I'm not perfect, but I do have some good qualities.

AL      Sure, if you say so.

MARCY   Name one?

AL      Oh, jeez, I don't know... you, you-you've got a high school diploma, and uh...
        you never let your eyebrows grow together... perfect height for a lawn jockey... 
        Wait a minute. I got it. I'll bet you're the reasonable one.

MARCY   Me?

AL      Yesss! You're big enough and wise enough to sit down with Mandy [adds quickly]
        over here... and talk this thing out.

MARCY   [Cheering up] Yeah, yeah you're right, Al. I am the reasonable one.

They both smile and continue hugging one another.

MARCY   Al?

AL      Yeah?

MARCY   Are we alone together in my bedroom, hugging in the middle of the night?

AL      Mm-hmmm.

They pause, then scream at each in realization, then run away.


SCENE SIX

Mandy is saying goodbye to Al and Peg.

MANDY   See ya at the All Star game.

AL      One more game of foosball?

MANDY   I'd love to, Al, but Marcy's waiting to take me to the airport.

PEGGY   Oh yes, and we wouldn't want Mandy to miss her plane.

Peg tosses Mandy's suitcase out the door.

MANDY   You know, Peg, I'm really sorry that we didn't get to know one another better.

PEGGY   I think I know enough.

MANDY   Well, there's one thing you may not know.

PEGGY   Oh, really?

MANDY   Yep. I think you're gorgeous.

Peg's attitude flips 180 degrees and she giggles, flattered.

PEGGY   Oh, really!

Mandy blows a kiss to Peg, who catches it, then follows Mandy out the door.

PEGGY   Don't be a stranger!

AL      Remember, she was my friend first!

PEGGY   Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Peggy goes inside. 
Kelly runs up to Al, excited.

KELLY   Hey, guess what? Lucky's not depressed anymore. Found a little friend in the park.

Lucky comes inside, followed by a male dog, dressed like a character from the Village People.

KELLY   His name's Spike. I think they're in love.

Al cringes.



THE END


DIRECTED BY  Gerry Cohen 
 WRITTEN BY  Pamela Eels
 CREATED BY  Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
CO-PRODUCER  Michael Greenspon
PRODUCED BY  John Maxwell Anderson

CONSULTING PRODUCER  Richard Gurman
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS  Vince Cheung & Ben Montanio
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER  Russell Marcus
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER  Pamela Eels

COPYRIGHT (c) 1997
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved



Transcribed by Marriedaniac and Mad Mutt


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