LEZ BE FRIENDS
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy / Mandy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog...........Lucky
Peggy is on the couch, playing cards.
Kelly comes downstairs and walks into the kitchen where Bud is getting something out
of the cupboard.
KELLY Hey, Mom. Hey guys, I think we haven't been paying much attention to Lucky.
PEGGY [not looking up from her cards] Who's Lucky?
BUD Any guy who goes out on a date with Kelly?
Kelly shuts the cupboard door on Bud's finger. Bud cries out in pain.
KELLY Oops. But hasn't anyone else noticed that he seems kind of depressed?
PEGGY Well, what makes you think something like that?
Kelly points to Lucky, who has his head in the oven.
Peggy is still on the couch.
Al and Bud are trying to wheel in a big box - that contains a foosball table -
BUD Easy easy now...
AL Iím goiní, I'm goiní... We're gonna have so much fun with this damn thing, Bud.
Bud squashes his hand between the door frame and the box and cries out in pain again.
AL Watch it! You'll nick the side of the box.
PEGGY You are never going to get that big stupid thing in here.
AL That's what I said when I carried you over the thresh-hold.
Al and Bud manage to wheel the box inside.
Marcy and Jefferson enter with bags of food.
MARCY Hi, neighbors! Look, we brought you some things...
Marcy is cut off by Peg, Bud and Al running over and grabbing food hastily out of
Marcy and Jefferson's arms.
AL [To Bud] Watch it now; I'll kill you for that!
JEFF Told you we should have used the feed pole.
MARCY Well, enjoy. And there's plenty more where that came from. All you have to do
is stay inside the entire weekend. Okay?
AL [With his mouth full of food] Why?
MARCY Well... Um, my cousin Mandy is coming for a visit, and how can I put this
delicately... I don't want her to be repulsed by you.
JEFF Not that you're repulsive.
Al lets out a ripper burp.
MARCY Enough said. But you know, it's been years since I've seen Mandy and we were
once very close. In fact, we're identical.
AL So, she's as obnoxious as you?
BUD Identical cousins. There's no such thing.
PEGGY Well, sure there is! Samantha and Serena; Patty and Kathy...
MARCY Exactly. [Singing] We walk alike, we talk alike, sometimes we even something
AL So there's another one out there exactly like you?
MARCY Well, not exactly. I am a little prettier.
BUD She's the pretty one, imagine what the cousin looks like.
AL You see I'm trying to eat here!
Al and Bud are playing foosball, while Peggy is playing cards.
AL Watch it now, watch it now, watch it... he shoots, he scores! I win again!
BUD Relax, Dad. It's just foosball.
AL "Just" foosball, son? This is the greatest invention ever made. Edward Foos
was a boy with a dream. A dream to invent a game that everyone could enjoy no
matter how out of shape or drunk you are.
Bud gives Al a weird look and leaves.
AL The boy's not right, Peg. I knew that the day we dropped him on his head and
he didn't scream.
The doorbell rings and Al answers it to Marcy's cousin, Mandy, who looks exactly like
Marcy except that she has short, dark hair.
MANDY Hi, I'm Man...
AL [Cutting her off] Nice wig, Marce. Hey Peg, look here - the fifth Beatle!
Al laughs and slams the door in Mandy's face. Mandy rings the doorbell twice and Al
opens it again.
MANDY I'm not Marcy. I'm Mandy. Marcy's cousin?
PEGGY Wow! You and Marcy really do look alike.
MANDY You think so? Yeah, I know I'm no supermodel, but I never really thought I
looked like a chicken.
AL I like her.
PEGGY Uh, Marcy and Jefferson went to meet you at the airport.
MANDY Oh. Well, my flight was early so I took a cab. You mind if I wait here?
AL No, not at all, not at all. [Marcy comes inside] 'Course here in The Windy
City it's customary to tip people who let you into their home.
MANDY You must be Al.
PEGGY Sadly, he must.
MANDY [Looking towards the foosball table] Hey, foosball. You any good?
AL Is your cousin flat-chested?
Al and Mandy are playing foosball, with Peg watching them.
MANDY Oh, score! Aha, I'm ahead.
AL Lucky shot!! That was a lucky shot!
A new game commences.
PEGGY Uh, now can I play?
AL [Looking up from the game] Not now, Peg.
MANDY SCORE! Ha ha, I win.
Marcy and Jefferson enter.
MARCY We couldn't find my cousin any... [Notices Mandy] Eeeeee! Mandy!!
Mandy runs over to Marcy. They stand apart, looking at each other. Al cringes at the
sight. Mandy and Marcy embrace each other.
MANDY You look great!
MARCY Oooh, so do you! [pauses] What are you doing here?
AL Uh, we didn't go out, she came in. Which reminds me, we're, we're out of onion
MARCY Mandy, this is my Jefferson.
Marcy shows Jefferson to Mandy, then stands back next to Mandy and then both women
fold their arms simultaneously.
MARCY Don't you wish you had one just like him?
AL You mean there's another one of him, too?
MANDY My, you're even better looking than Marcy said.
JEFF Oh, so are you.
Mandy blushes while Marcy looks saddened.
JEFF Honey, why did you say you were the pretty one?
Marcy looks disappointedly at Jefferson.
AL [Grabbing Mandy's arm] Come on now, we're right in the middle of a game!
Al hauls Mandy back to the foosball table.
Marcy, sulking, sits on the couch next to Peg.
PEGGY Marcy, if you guys are identical, how come she has... ?
JEFF [Intrigued] Really? [Marcy looks at him] Not that I like big, luscious breasts.
[Marcy keeps staring at him] They'd just... get in the way.
Kelly and Bud are standing looking out the back door at a hyperactive Lucky, who is
jumping up and down in the backyard.
BUD Those pills the vet gave Lucky really have pepped him up.
KELLY Don't you think that he's a little bit too hyper?
Lucky starts doing backflips.
BUD Nah, no. He's fine.
Lucky starts digging wildly.
BUD Ah, he's burying a bone.
A tree falls over.
BUD You know, we should give some of those pills to Mom.
KELLY I did. How do you think she got off the couch?
Kelly and Bud leave. They bypass Marcy, who comes in with a bag of groceries.
She walks over to the kitchen table where Peg is sitting.
MARCY Hi, Peggy. I got your bonbons. [She gives the bonbons to Peg] Guess what? I am
making Jefferson his favorite supper tonight.
MARCY Because, if a wife doesn't do it, then some other woman might come along and
steal him away. Even someone you'd least suspect, you know... like a...
cousin. You know, a cousin that all the boys like best because she's such fun.
Boys like Jimmy Miller who'd show Mandy his baseball cards and play keep-away
with little Marcy's undershirt!
PEGGY Marcy, I'm really worried. Maybe we shouldn't have let Mandy spend the day
with Al and Jefferson.
MARCY Why, Peggy Bundy. If I didn't know better I'd say you were jealous.
Al and Mandy enter, laughing. Mandy is carrying a t-shirt.
AL What a game!
MANDY Yeah, what was the final score?
AL 37 to 14.
MARCY That doesn't sound like a baseball score.
AL It's not! That's how many beers and hotdogs we had before we decided to pants
They high five.
Jefferson enters, wearing a towel instead of his pants.
JEFF Hahaha, yeah, you kidders. Luckily it was Souvenir Towel Day at the ball park.
MANDY Hey, Marce, got you a t-shirt.
Mandy throws the shirt to Marcy, but Jefferson catches it instead.
JEFF Keep away!
Jefferson, Al and Mandy begin playing keep-away with Marcy's shirt. Marcy, upset,
tries to catch it.
MARCY You people are so immature! Give it back or I'm telling!
Mandy has the shirt and teasingly hands it back to Marcy.
Jefferson gives a baseball to Mandy.
MANDY Hey, look what Jefferson gave me. Caught a foul ball.
JEFF Oh, well, actually, it's a home run ball, but, you know, no big deal.
MARCY He's been trying to catch one of those his whole life. Excuse me.
[Quietly to Al] Al, new deal. How would you like a nice, juicy pot roast for
AL With those little potatoes?
MARCY Biscuits, and gravy...
AL What do I gotta do?
MARCY All you have to do is keep Mandy away from Jefferson until she leaves tomorrow.
AL I can do that. [Loudly] Mandy! You wanna stay for dinner tonight?
Mandy nods, then she and Al go into the kitchen.
Marcy leads Jefferson to the door.
MARCY Jefferson and I need a little alone time. Come on, honey.
JEFF Oh, you know, I think I'll stay and hang out with Mandy. [Marcy grabs him by
his ear] OW! Or I could come now.
Marcy herds him out the door.
AL Hey, Peg, how would you like a pot roast dinner tonight with all the fixin's?
PEGGY Oooh, where are we going?
AL The kitchen.
PEGGY I'm not cooking.
MANDY I'll do it; I love to cook.
AL Why can't you be more like Mandy, Peg? She likes foosball, baseball, she likes
to cook... she's just like a wife but... fun!
Peggy stands up from the table.
PEGGY So marry her!
Peggy marches out of the room.
AL How 'bout it, Mandy? Me and you in Vegas, a honeymoon at Football Fantasy Camp.
MANDY Sounds fun, Al, but uh, I'm involved.
AL Yeah? Who's the lucky guy?
AL Barbara? Well, that sounds like he might be a little light in the loafers, eh?
MANDY Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.
MANDY Yes, Al. I'm gay.
Al looks perplexed.
Al is sitting on the couch, Mandy on the armchair.
MANDY I can see that you're shocked, Al. Why did you think I went with you to the
AL I thought you were being a good sport.
MANDY Why do you think I was blowing kisses to all the strippers?
AL You're aiming at me and missing? Did any of them kiss back? [Mandy nods] But
not Lola, huh?
MANDY Of course not; Lola's a guy.
Mandy sits next to Al.
MANDY Calm down, Al.
AL That can't be... Oh, how did a thing like this happen to you? What, did you get
stood up for the prom? Or you went to prison? I know, it was summer camp,
wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping. And the beautiful blonde
counsellor - let's call her Betty - carried you back to her cabin and gave you
a massage. And before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girl sex
MANDY Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?
AL Yeah. My favorite.
MANDY Mine too. So you donít uh, have a problem with two women being together?
AL Ooh, no... as long as there's a guy watchin'!
Mandy punches Al playfully in the arm. Al laughs and does the same to Mandy, who then
punches Al again, but this time Al reacts in pain.
Mandy makes her way over to the door.
MANDY Well, I've told everyone in the family except for Marcy. How do you think she's
gonna take it?
AL Are you crazy? She's had a lot weirder sex stuff than that.
MANDY Shouldn't be surprised. She used to have to pay boys to kiss her.
AL She still does.
Peggy comes downstairs.
PEGGY So, Al, has your little friend finally gone home, or would you like her to
AL Peg, uh, you don't have to worry about Mandy.
PEGGY Why, because you only have eyes for me?
AL [Laughing] Noooo. No, Peg, uh... Mandy's gay.
PEGGY She is??
AL Yes, Peg! I'm surprised you couldn't pick it up. I never miss a thing like
Kelly is preparing Lucky for a date. He is wearing a bow tie and is sitting at a small
table for two. Bud comes out of the basement.
BUD It's a good thing the vet took Lucky off those puppy uppers. Yesterday he was
chasing cars - and passing them.
KELLY Well, the vet said that the pills were just masking his pain. I think he's
depressed 'cause he's lonely. So I, uh, set up this little date for him.
The doorbell rings.
BUD Kelly, only an idiot would help a dog to date.
Bud opens the door to Elaine, a pretty blonde girl, and her dog, Frisky.
BUD I'm Bud, I'll be your waiter this evening.
Bud takes Frisky. Kelly joins them.
KELLY Hey, Elaine. Hey, Frisky! Frisky, that's Lucky and this [gestures to Bud, and makes
an L (for Loser) symbol with her hand] is Loser.
ELAINE Hi, Kelly.
BUD Bye, Kelly.
Kelly makes her way out, but stops at the door, turns around to Bud and makes a
suggestive kissy movement.
Bud shuts the door, then he and Elaine walk over to the table for their dogs.
BUD So, Frisky and Lucky. Let's hope that also describes their owners!
ELAINE I can't believe you went to so much trouble. I love that you love your dog this
BUD Well, we want to do whatever it takes to get our "furry little friends"
Bud turns off the lamp and presses play on the stereo. "Puppy Love" starts to play.
Bud leads Elaine to the couch and they sit.
Frisky looks at Lucky. Elaine looks lovingly at Bud. Bud looks at Elaine, then at the
camera with a mischievous "I'm gonna get some" look on his face. Elaine leans over to
kiss Bud, but Lucky yelps.
ELAINE Oh! I'm sorry. I'll be more gentle.
BUD That wasn't me. No, I don't make that noise until later.
BUD Lucky, be nice. She's company.
Bud tries to look down Elaine's dress.
ELAINE Your dog doesn't like my dog very much.
BUD Sure he does. He's just playing hard to get.
Lucky turns away from Frisky. Bud walks over to him.
BUD Okay, so she's not your type. Can't you just close your eyes and pretend she's
Lassie? It's worked for me.
Lucky runs away. Elaine comes over and picks up Frisky.
ELAINE I can't believe how rude your dog is.
BUD Me neither. I'll have him put to sleep. We'll ah, weíll just play with your dog.
Bud reaches for Frisky but she growls and Bud recoils.
ELAINE I have a better idea. Why don't you play with yourself?
The living room in darkness.
There's a knock at the door, the lights come on, Al starts down the stairs in his pajamas.
About 2 steps away from the door, Peg bellows out from upstairs:
PEGGY Al, get the door!
AL I'm trying to, Peg.
Al opens the door to Mandy, who has a suitcase in her hands.
MANDY Well, so much for honesty.
AL She kicked you out?
He beckons Mandy inside.
MANDY Well, not right away. First she started screaming, and babbling something about
an undershirt. I hate to impose, but can I crash on your couch?
AL Well, that depends... won't turn to gay will it?
MANDY No I don't think so, Al.
AL [laughing] Jus' checkin'. Well, I'd better be getting on upstairs.
Um, oh, ah, I trust you're enough of a lady not to whistle at my tight little
behind as I go up the stairs.
MANDY Al, I told you, I'm gay.
AL That may well be, but there are some things no woman can resist.
Al starts up the stairs, trying to emphasis his butt with every step.
Mandy snuggles into the couch, ignoring him.
AL Hey, Mandy. I have a question. Do you just like certain women, or would you
sleep with any woman on earth before you'd sleep with a man?
He sits down beside Mandy.
MANDY Well, that depends. Give me a 'for instance'.
AL Hmmm, for instance, uhhhhh, you're on a desert island... who would you rather
be with, me or Cindy Crawford?
AL Me... or Phyllis Diller?
AL Me... or Marge Schott?
MANDY You. But the whole time we'd be doing it I'd be thinking of Phyllis Diller.
Al starts up the stairs. Mandy snuggles down into the couch to sleep.
The lights go off.
More knocking on the door. Al goes to answer it.
PEGGY [from upstairs] Al-lllll, get the door.
AL [Standing to attention] Yes, My Queen!
Al opens the door to Jefferson.
AL Oh, Jefferson, what the hell do you want?
He sits down beside Mandy again.
JEFF A place to sleep.
He walks in, and shuts the door.
JEFF Hey wait a minute. What, what are you two doing down here together in your
pajamas? [He pauses, then wedges himself down beside Mandy on the couch] I
thought you were uh, gay.
Jefferson has a very interested look in his eye.
MANDY I am.
JEFF [still letting his libido-driven imagination lead him] Does Peggy know about
AL Peggy sent me down here!
JEFF Ah-ohh. You people are... [looking very interested at Mandy] ... sick.
AL Yes we are, Jefferson. Sick enough to turn your head into a gravy boat if you
don't get the hell out of here.
JEFF I can't leave. Marcy's mad at me just because I called out... [drops voice
lower] ... Mandy's name in bed.
Peggy comes downstairs.
PEGGY Excuse me. [to Mandy] You know, for a lesbian you sure spend a lot of time with
men. [To Jeff] What are you doing here in your pajamas?
JEFF Oh, I'm sorry, Peggy. Marcy kicked me out... [to Mandy] and she threw away our
PEGGY Al Bundy, this is all your fault!
AL Why is it all my fault??
PEGGY It just is! Get up! [Peg hauls Al to his feet and pushes him to the door]
I want you to go over to Marcy's and tell her to get her relatives out of my
AL Oh, that's a good idea Peg, because when I see Marcy in her pajamas I'll have
a seizure. And then on my way to the hospital, between the blaring of the
sirens and the paramedics yelling "clear", maybe then I can get some sleep.
Al leaves and slams the door.
Marcy is sitting on her bed, cutting up photos.
MARCY I hate Mandy! Hate Mandy. Hate Mandy. I hate her, hate her, hate her, hate her...
AL [Calling off screen] Marcy!
Marcy opens her door to Al.
MARCY What are you doing up here?
AL Oh, you know me - can't keep me out of a shrill woman's bedroom!
MARCY Go home.
AL I'd like to, but my living room is full of women, men and your cousin. Why is
MARCY 'Cause I hate Mandy! And I never want to speak to her again!
AL Well, that's understandable, no one should have to speak with family. If I were
King I'd make it a law! But you're the tree-hugging bra-burner around here;
what do you care if she's gay?
MARCY I don't hate Mandy because she's gay! I hate Mandy because... Everyone likes
her better than meeee!
Marcy, now crying, hugs Al for comfort. Al tries to back away from her without much
MARCY All our lives, Mandy was the talented one, Mandy was the popular one...
AL The pretty one?
Marcy gives Al a saddened look.
MARCY She stole all my boyfriends, and now I found out she doesn't even want them!
[She blows her nose in Al's pajama top] Why [sob] does [sob] everyone [sob]
like [sob] her [sob] better [sob] than meeee??
AL Well, for starters, she never blew her nose in my pajama top.
MARCY I know I'm not perfect, but I do have some good qualities.
AL Sure, if you say so.
MARCY Name one?
AL Oh, jeez, I don't know... you, you-you've got a high school diploma, and uh...
you never let your eyebrows grow together... perfect height for a lawn jockey...
Wait a minute. I got it. I'll bet you're the reasonable one.
AL Yesss! You're big enough and wise enough to sit down with Mandy [adds quickly]
over here... and talk this thing out.
MARCY [Cheering up] Yeah, yeah you're right, Al. I am the reasonable one.
They both smile and continue hugging one another.
MARCY Are we alone together in my bedroom, hugging in the middle of the night?
They pause, then scream at each in realization, then run away.
Mandy is saying goodbye to Al and Peg.
MANDY See ya at the All Star game.
AL One more game of foosball?
MANDY I'd love to, Al, but Marcy's waiting to take me to the airport.
PEGGY Oh yes, and we wouldn't want Mandy to miss her plane.
Peg tosses Mandy's suitcase out the door.
MANDY You know, Peg, I'm really sorry that we didn't get to know one another better.
PEGGY I think I know enough.
MANDY Well, there's one thing you may not know.
PEGGY Oh, really?
MANDY Yep. I think you're gorgeous.
Peg's attitude flips 180 degrees and she giggles, flattered.
PEGGY Oh, really!
Mandy blows a kiss to Peg, who catches it, then follows Mandy out the door.
PEGGY Don't be a stranger!
AL Remember, she was my friend first!
PEGGY Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Peggy goes inside.
Kelly runs up to Al, excited.
KELLY Hey, guess what? Lucky's not depressed anymore. Found a little friend in the park.
Lucky comes inside, followed by a male dog, dressed like a character from the Village People.
KELLY His name's Spike. I think they're in love.
DIRECTED BY Gerry Cohen
WRITTEN BY Pamela Eels
CREATED BY Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
CO-PRODUCER Michael Greenspon
PRODUCED BY John Maxwell Anderson
CONSULTING PRODUCER Richard Gurman
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS Vince Cheung & Ben Montanio
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Russell Marcus
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Pamela Eels
COPYRIGHT (c) 1997
All Rights Reserved
Transcribed by Marriedaniac and Mad Mutt
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