BIRTHDAY BOY TOY
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog...........Lucky
Woman #1................Susan Isaacs
Woman #2................Michelle Mitchell
Young Woman.............Corinne Reilly
Peggy is sitting on the couch, manicuring her nails.
Kelly comes down the stairs holding her piggy bank, which is broken in two.
KELLY Okay, somebody broke into my piggy bank again! The long strand of red hair [pulls a hair
out of the piggy bank] and these bonbon wrappers [takes out several bonbon wrappers out of
the piggy bank] clearly indicate that you, Mother, saw who did it. Now, who was it?
PEGGY Uh, gee honey, I really don't know! Hey, look at this lovely Don Knotts hologram I got
Peggy holds up the hologram.
KELLY Don't try to distract me, Mom.
PEGGY It's shiny...
Kelly takes the hologram and looks at it.
KELLY Mr. Furley, Barney Fyffe! [giggles] Furley... [tilts the hologram] Fyffe!
Al comes in holding some mail.
AL Peg... [looks through the mail] I hope one of these bills is for a coffin because your
shopping is killing me!
Kelly is still looking at the hologram, fascinated.
KELLY Oh! [tilts the hologram] Oh!
AL [gesturing towards Kelly] Something shiny.
PEGGY I got you one, Al.
Peggy shows another hologram to Al.
AL I'm not interested in that, Pe... [takes the hologram and looks at it] Ginger, [tilts the
hologram] Mary Ann, [tilts the hologram again] Ginger... [angrily] Oh, cut this out!
[sits down on the couch] Not only is this QVC thing useless, [holds up a membership card]
now you've gone and bought a membership for the Buff 'N' Tuff health club.
PEGGY Well, how else am I supposed to stay young and attractive for you?
AL Buy a time machine. [Peggy gives Al a look] Peg, I'm cutting off your shopping, cold
turkey, right now!
Peg reluctantly takes another card from her cleavage and hands it to Al. Lucky jumps onto the
couch with another card in his mouth.
PEGGY [to Lucky] Traitor! [turns back to Al] Oh Al, don't make me stop shopping, you'll destroy
AL Oh, good. [shrugs] Then we'll be even.
Gary's shoe store.
Al and Griff are kneeling next to a small house that they made out of shoe boxes.
AL Yeah, I think I like this one even better than that clog cabin we built last week.
GRIFF It is stunning. Y'know, I think we ought to go into business.
AL And what business would that be Griff, the shoebox-lid house-building business? Not much
demand for that.
GRIFF I beg to differ. I think you're overlooking the homeless dwarf problem.
Al adds another lid to the house and it collapses. Al and Griff cry out in agony.
GRIFF Now somebody's got to clean that up.
Al and Griff point at each other. Jefferson comes in.
JEFRSN Hey Guys.
Al sits back in a chair and relaxes.
AL Well Jefferson, I see you're having a typically hard day at the office.
JEFRSN You know, looking this good is a full-time job. [points at his face] 'Think these pores
just exfoliate themselves?
GRIFF [getting up] You better watch out, Jefferson. Now that you're heading for the big 4-0,
Marcy might trade you in for a new model.
Griff leans on Jefferson's shoulder. Jefferson laughs off Griff's statement.
AL Yeah, when you hit 40 everything starts to go to hell. Your alignment gets all out of
whack then your [touches the top of his head] tyres start to get a little bald and then
there comes that horrible day when you realise, no matter how hard you turn that knob,
that antenna's only coming halfway up.
Al smiles at Jefferson, nodding.
GRIFF [laughing] And you start getting that uncontrollable backfiring. [notices the funny looks
from Jefferson and Al] Don't tell me you don't have that problem.
JEFRSN Well, that may hold true for you old clunkers, but I look the same today as I did 20 years
A young lady comes into the store, walks over to Jefferson and stands behind him.
LADY I've been looking for you forever.
JEFRSN And I hope I was worth the wait.
Jefferson turns to face the young lady.
LADY Oh, sorry, sir, I thought you were my dad.
The young lady walks out of the shoe store. Jefferson laughs uneasily.
Bud and Kelly walk in. Kelly pats Jefferson on the arm.
BUD Happy birthday, Mr. D'Arcy, happy birthday!
Bud holds out his hand to congratulate Jefferson.
JEFRSN [angrily] Sure, rub it in, you brats!
Jefferson storms out of the shoe store.
KELLY Gee, Old Man D'Arcy's getting pretty cranky, huh?
BUD Dad, guess what! Gary hired us to shoot a commercial for the store.
AL Why would she hire you two?
KELLY [excited] Well, she wanted someone fast and cheap.
BUD [gestures to Kelly] Which explains our actress. I, on the other hand, will be directing.
It will be 30 seconds of pure magic.
KELLY Aw, now Bud, don't waste your best pickup lines on Dad.
BUD We got the setting, we got the customer, now all we need is a, er, shoe salesman.
GRIFF Well, how much does it pay?
BUD 400 dollars a day.
AL Earth days? Hey, I'm your man for the job. Nobody sells shoes better than me!
GRIFF [walks towards Bud] Bud, did I ever mention to you that I played Dorothy in my high
school's production of The Wiz?
BUD [confused] All male school?
Bud gives Griff a strange look.
AL You wanna see great acting? How about those seizures I used to throw at IHOP?
KELLY All right, Dad, so you scammed as a few Rootie Tootie Fresh 'n' Fruity breakfasts. Doesn't
exactly make you Oscar material.
AL Hey! You didn't seem to mock my performance when you were shoving pancakes in your
GRIFF I'm really good! [pulls out a newspaper clipping from his shirt pocket] And my High School
Gazette said my Dorothy was "captivating, charming and strangely intimidating."
AL Ah Griff, how pathetic are you? A man your age hanging on to faded high school glory
[notices the way that everyone is looking at him] What???
BUD Look, frankly, I don't buy either one of you as a shoe salesman, but if you guys wanna try
out for the part...
AL [getting up] Well, listen, Mr. Director, I think that you and I should see eye to eye on
Al grasps Bud's ears and twists them.
BUD [painfully] I think we found our star.
The D'Arcy bedroom.
Jefferson is sitting at his dresser, peering into a mirror and smearing green ointment all over
his face. Marcy walks into the bedroom and turns off a lamp, then goes over to Jefferson and
puts her hands on his shoulders.
MARCY So, what do you want for your birthday, my little boy toy?
JEFRSN Is that all I am to you - a boy toy?
MARCY Jefferson, it's just an expression, like "free loader" or "trophy husband".
Marcy walks over to the bed and starts arranging the pillows.
JEFRSN Honey, do you notice any little lines around my eyes? You gonna have to come close to see.
MARCY [from a distance] You mean those crows feet?
Jefferson gets up, annoyed, and gets into bed.
JEFRSN Those are not crows feet; they're laugh lines.
MARCY Honey, nothing's that funny.
Jefferson puts two slices of cucumber over his eyes, sulking.
MARCY [getting into bed] Oh, don't pout. I know something that'll make you feel a lot better.
JEFRSN I don't feel like playing "Hop On Pop".
MARCY No, I'm talking about the perfect birthday gift; A health club membership. Mmm? [kisses
JEFRSN Do you really think I need it? I mean, sure, my thighs jiggle a little when I settle into
the tanning bed, but whose don't? [sighs] I'm just worrying over nothing, right? I mean, I
still turn you on, don't I, Marcy?
Marcy is snoring.
Peg is watching a shopping channel on the TV.
TV Last chance to buy this lovely Tom Jones locket, containing his actual chest hair.
PEGGY If that's not unusual!
Peggy reaches for the phone and gets electrocuted.
TV 25 seconds!
Peg tries again, and again gets electrocuted.
TV 22 seconds!
Peg gets electrocuted a third time.
PEGGY Damn you, Al!
Jefferson comes in.
JEFRSN Hey, Peggy. I brought over Marcy's tool belt like you asked.
PEGGY You're a life saver. [holds out her hand] Needle-nose.
Jefferson gives Peggy the pliers.
JEFRSN Hey, uh, Peggy, do you ever have a fear that Al's gonna leave you?
PEGGY [working on the phone] Well, I wouldn't call it a fear so much as a fantasy. [holds out
her hand again] Screwdriver. Why do you ask?
Jefferson hands Peggy the screwdriver.
JEFRSN Well, I - I know I haven't confided in you much...
PEGGY And I appreciate that.
JEFRSN But lately I'm feeling so old and unattractive and unloved, and I just wondered... How do
you handle it?
Peggy stops working and gives him a look.
PEGGY Well, usually I just thank God that I'm not that aging gigolo that lives next door.
Peggy continues working on the telephone.
JEFRSN See, if Marcy thinks I'm losing my looks then it's just a matter of time before she dumps
me for some younger guy.
PEGGY [holds out her hand] Stripper.
JEFRSN [shaking his head] Maybe. With her money, she could have anyone.
Peggy loses patience and takes the strippers from the tool belt. A big bright flash explodes
from the telephone as Peggy short circuits the electric shock device.
Peggy sighs with relief and reassembles the phone.
PEGGY Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just spend all of her money and then she just
can't afford to trade you in.
JEFRSN Do you think that would work?
PEGGY Absolutely! Do you have a credit card?
JEFRSN Yeah, I have one right, uh...
Jefferson reaches for his back pocket, but Peggy violently turns him around and tears the card
out of his pocket.
PEGGY Oo-hoo! Platinum [sniffs the card] Ah, the good stuff... [excitedly] What's Marcy's limit?
JEFRSN Well, on a good night, six or seven... [realises what Peggy meant] Oh, the card; it, uh...
it doesn't have a limit.
PEGGY [excited] Ohh, let's do some home shopping!
JEFRSN Oh no, wait a minute - isn't that addictive?
PEGGY Oh no, you can stop any time you want.
Peggy wraps the phone cord around Jefferson's upper arm.
JEFRSN What's that for?
PEGGY So you don't drop the phone. [picks up Marcy's credit card and looks into the TV screen]
Hi baby, Mamma's back!
Gary's shoe store.
Bud is standing behind a camera wearing a director's beret. Griff is standing next to Bud
holding a clapper board. Al is standing by the counter.
GRIFF [wearily] Gary's shoes, take 28.
BUD And... action!
Kelly walks in and stands next to Al, who is looking very stiff.
KELLY Excuse me, kind sir, do you have any purple pumps?
Al speaks after a long pause.
AL [stiffly] Certainly we have purple pimps! At Gary's shoes we feet your treat.
BUD Cut! [walks over to Al] Uh, okay Dad, that was... that was good, but you're still a little
GRIFF Any stiffer and you could wax him and use him as a toboggan!
AL [to Bud] Can you keep the Gopher quiet?
BUD Let's just try this again, all right?
Bud walks back behind the camera.
GRIFF Take 29... if anybody's still counting.
BUD And... action!
KELLY Excuse me, kind...
AL [cutting off Kelly, who looks annoyed] Certainly, we pump you purple at Gary's Shoes!
Where we treat your feet!
AL What?! Those were the right words!
BUD Yeah, but they were in the wrong order!
AL Well, can't you edit them together? What kind of a director are you!?
BUD I give up! [to Kelly] You talk to him.
KELLY So... nice weather we're having, huh Daddy?
Bud looks frustrated.
BUD [nearly in tears] I mean about the part!
KELLY Oh, I'm sorry! [puts her hand on Al's shoulder] That was perfect, Daddy, but I think that
you need to emphasise certain words, like this: here, at Gary's shoes, we TREAT your FEET.
You see what I'm saying?
AL Okay. Like this: here AT Gary's shoes WE treat YOUR feet.
KELLY That's... that's... much much better, Daddy, [pats Al on the shoulder] really. [to Bud]
Can his ass.
GRIFF [powdering his face, singing] Gonna ease on down, ease on down the road.
AL Bud, I'm starting to get the hang of it. I'm rolling with it. I'm grooving with it.
BUD Dad, you're fired.
AL Huh, I know - fired up, ready to go.
BUD No Dad, it's OVER.
AL I know, my stage fright's over. I'm ready to go. Action! Move!
Bud slaps Al twice and grabs him by the arms.
BUD Listen to me! You're fired, you're out, you're finished, you're Must Flee TV!
AL Wow, that came out of nowhere. Why the sudden change of heart?
BUD No, it's not sudden. Your acting sucks. It sucked when we started, it sucks now, it will
AL [angrily] Well, that's just one person's opinion, ain't it?
KELLY It sucks.
GRIFF It sucks.
A crowd of people have gathered outside the shoe store, and they voice their opinion.
CROWD It sucks!
An announcement is heard over the mall's public address system.
SPEAKR Attention shoppers; Al Bundy sucks.
Al looks bewildered.
The Bundy living room.
Peggy and Jefferson are on the couch watching TV and seesawing their legs. They're surrounded by
PEGGY Oh look, a genuine faux leopard muff. Let's not wait for the price, just dial.
Peggy hands the phone to Jefferson.
JEFRSN OK, OK, but tell me again how all this stuff is going to keep Marcy from leaving me.
PEGGY [examining his face] Mmm... Is that a liver spot?
Jefferson starts to dial. Marcy comes in.
PEGGY "Aha" what?
MARCY [walking over to them] Don't you play dumb with me, Peggy Bundy, you've always been a
shopping junkie, but now you've turned into a pusher and corrupted my innocent Jefferson.
PEGGY Innocent? Yeah, I may have provided the TV and the phone, but he did his own dialling.
Marcy gasps and looks at Jefferson.
MARCY Jefferson, is that true?
MARCY Well, that's it mister! Your free-loading days are over. And you're gonna pay back every
Marcy snatches her credit card from Jefferson's hand.
JEFRSN How am I supposed to do that?
MARCY Three little words.
JEFRSN I wuv you?
MARCY Try again.
JEFRSN Hop On Pop?
MARCY Get a job!
Peg and Jefferson put their hands to their chests and gasp in horror.
The Buff 'N' Tuff Health Club. There is a sign that says "Ladies Aerobics". Jefferson is working
out amongst a crowd of women. Peggy is sitting at the back of the room, eating.
PEGGY You know, this exercise stuff is really challenging. I'm starting to feel the burn!
JEFRSN That's heartburn! [still exercising] Do you think you could stop chewing for like one
second and help get me out of this mess that you got me into?
PEGGY Yeah, like it's my fault that you're not aging well. Don't get your varicose veins in a
knot. There must be some job that you're qualified for.
JEFRSN I'm just not good at anything.
The fitness instructor attempts to motivate the work-out.
INSTRC All right. And lunge, and twirl, and lunge, and... [he notices that all the girls are
ignoring him and watching Jefferson] All right, fine, stay fat!
The instructor leaves. All the women continue watching Jefferson. Jefferson notices the women
have been following along with him.
Gary's shoe store.
Bud is filming Griff and Kelly, who are standing next to the counter.
GRIFF At Gary's Shoes, we treat your...
Griff is interrupted by Al passing between him and the camera with a vacuum cleaner.
BUD Cut! Dad, we're trying to work here.
AL So am I.
GRIFF Al, you haven't vacuumed in 25 years.
AL Then it's high time, ain't it?
KELLY That was great, Griff.
Kelly pats Griff on his shoulder.
AL "Great"? "Great"?? You couldn't even tell he was acting!
BUD Let's just do it one more time, OK?
AL Oh, fine, fine. [holds the clapper board in front of the camera] Take 32! Which is three
more than it took me, by the way.
GRIFF That's because you ruined every one of mine!
AL That's because we had a couple of accidents.
BUD Oh, dropping a light on Griff's head?
AL Freak occurrence.
KELLY The fire in the stock room?
AL Act of God!
GRIFF Roller-blading through here with your pants down, playing a tuba?
AL Hey, what I do on my break is my business.
BUD Admit it, Dad, you're trying to sabotage the commercial. Now get out of here and don't
come back until we're finished!
AL Fine! You Hollywood types are so touchy.
Al claps the board and then retreats into the toilet.
BUD Ready? And... action!
KELLY Excuse me, kind Sir, do you have any...
Kelly is interrupted by the sound of the toilet flushing.
Marcy enters the Buff 'N' Tuff health club and walks over to Peggy, who is still eating.
MARCY Peggy, what in the world are you doing here?
PEGGY Working out.
Marcy is approached by 2 women; one is thin, the other is fat. The thin woman speaks first.
WOMAN1 Excuse me, you can't just walk into a Jefferson D'Arcy class. Are you on the list?
MARCY No, but I'm his wife.
The fat woman joins in.
WOMAN2 [laughing] Nice try, Honey. We get 4 wives a day, and a couple of husbands!
MARCY Well, maybe if you gave up your spot; they'd all fit!
WOMAN2 You just better be glad I am weak from dieting!
Jefferson, the new instructor, runs in. Someone shouts "There he is!" and the girls start
chanting "Jefferson, Jefferson".
JEFRSN Hello all you lovely ladies! Are you ready to get hot... and bothered? [they all scream
"Huuuuu"] OK, here we go. On our right...
MARCY [shouting from the back] Jefferson! Hi Honey!
JEFRSN [indifferently] Oh, hey Marcy, gee what a surprise. OK, here we go; bend and stretch and
reach for me ladies. That's it. OK, here we go. Great. Fine. And...
Marcy tries to make her way to Jefferson, but she is blocked by the fat woman.
MARCY [to Peg] She won't let me through!
PEGGY Hey Marcy, I have a secret weapon. [she takes out a chocolate bar from her purse and
throws it on the floor] Oops, my Snickers slipped!
The fat woman stampedes after the Snickers. Marcy gets to Jefferson and they work out together.
JEFRSN Marcy, thank you so much for making me get this job! I'll be able to pay you back in no
MARCY Honey, you don't have to pay me back, consider it a birthday present.
Someone shouts: "it's Jeffy's birthday!" and another: "spanking machine!" The women form a queue
and stand with their legs apart. Jefferson crawls along the floor and between their legs.
JEFRSN Oh, no... OK. [laughing, as the women slap his butt] Oh yes, yes, yes.
Marcy waits at the end of the line and grabs Jefferson's arm.
MARCY Jefferson, I hate to see you like this, slaving away at a job you hate.
Marcy pushes one girl and they all topple over like dominoes.
GIRL#3 Jeffy, can you massage my cramp again?
MARCY [getting ready to punch the girl] I'll give you a cramp. [the girl backs away] Jefferson,
I want you to quit your job.
JEFRSN But why, Marcy? If I keep working here I'm gonna have the body that you always wanted me
MARCY That "I" always wanted?
MARCY Jefferson, I love the way you look. The only reason I sent you to a health club is that I
thought you were feeling insecure about yourself.
JEFRSN Well, I was... I mean, I'm getting older, I just thought you were gonna trade me in for
MARCY Ohh, Pooh-bearey... I don't want anybody new. It took me years to break you in.
JEFRSN You mean you'll still love me even when I'm old and gray?
MARCY Of course. Just like you'll still love me, even if I lose all my money?
Jefferson thinks this over, then nods unconvincingly.
Marcy kisses Jefferson. Meanwhile, Peg is being fed bonbons by a hunky fitness instructor.
PEGGY You know, this is great. I always wanted my own personal trainer.
The trainer pops another bonbon in her mouth.
Gary's shoe store.
Al and Griff are sitting idly. There is a crowd of women outside eagerly waiting to get in.
GRIFF Well, well, well. Looks like my commercial has made me a few fans.
Griff gets up to open the door.
AL Well, I knew that TV added 10 pounds, I just didn't realise it all went to your head.
Griff opens the door and is surrounded by mostly "large" fans.
FAN #1 You're even cuter in person then you are on TV.
FAN #2 You're a shoe hunk!
GRIFF Al, help me!
AL They're all yours, shoe hunk. I think I'll just ease on down the road.
Al gets up and walks off. Griff is completely surrounded by a large herd of women. He backs up
to the wall.
GRIFF Please please please please... wait a minute, wait a minute! [Griff's pants are heard
being unzipped] Hey! Hey! That is NOT for sale!
Gary's shoe store.
Al and Griff are sitting watching an even bigger house made of shoe boxes.
AL Well, I don't believe this.
A couple of happy dwarfs come out of the house.
DWARF1 We'll take it!
DWARF2 We'll take it!
GRIFF [to Al:] Told you so.
DWARF1 [walks up to Griff] Hey, weren't you Dorothy in the Wiz?
GRIFF Yes I was!
DWARF1 I was the mayor of Munchkin Land!
The dwarf laughs, and Griff shakes his hand.
GRIFF Your Honor!
Consulting Producer: Richard Gurman
Co-Executive Producers: Vince Cheung. Ben Montanio
and Russell Marcus
Executive Producer: Pamela Eells
Directed by: Gerry Cohen
Written By: Terry Maloney and Mindy Morgenstern
Created By: Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
Co-Producer: Michael Greenspon
Produced by: John Maxwell Anderson
Creative Consultants: Alan Eisenstock and Larry Mintz
Executive Story Editors: Steve Faber and Bob Fisher
Story Editors: Valerie Ahern, Christian McLaughlin
Matthew Berry, Eric Abrams
Casting by: Rick Millikan C.S.A.
Associate Director: Sam W. Orender
Stage Managers: Richard Draney, Stephanie Scott and
Music by: Jonathan Wolff
Art Director: Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director: Alex Fuller
Edited by: Larry Harris, Lee Grey
Script Supervisor: Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator: Carl Studebaker, Carson G. Smith
Technical Director: Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography: Dan Kuleto
Audio: J. Mark King, Randy Faustino,
Scott Glickman, Alan Zema
Cameras: Steve Casaly, Bettina Levesque,
Jim Lunsford, Dennis Turner
Re-Recording: Roy Pahlman, John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff: Peter Alexander, Nina Berry, Zuzana Cernik,
Cyndi Hogle, Christy Latusek, Gloria Velasquez.
Casting Associate: Stacie Wise
Costumes: Marti M. Squyres
Property Master: Michael Semon
Make-up: Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist: Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer: Steven Ritt
Check out MWC on-line at: www.sony.com
Copyright (c) 1997 by ELP Communications.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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