BREAKING UP IS EASY TO DO (PART 3)
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGInley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky...................Lucky The Dog
Alan Thicke.............Bruce Wright
Al is sitting on his bed in his flat. He is sporting a huge black eye. Griff and Jefferson stand
JEFF Ohh. Oh, Al, that's a beaut.
GRIFF I haven't seen a shiner that bad since I told my wife she was starting to look like Al
JEFF Well, looks like Marcy was right. She said it was only a matter of time before some
woman beat the holy hell outta ya.
AL I'll have you know I got this black eye last night explaining to a jealous boyfriend how
the little lady would rather stay with me.
JEFF Well, where is she?
AL I - I sent her out shopping for a new waterbed. This one has a leak and I worry so when
she bounces. [ushering Jefferson out] So you just tell Marcy that I'm doing just fine
with the ladies. That Al Bundy is not only moving in the fast lane, he's doing wheelies
in it, baby!
Al pushes Jefferson out and shuts the door.
GRIFF Is that true, Al? About the girl?
AL Every word of it. Except the guy's name was Sasquatch, the girl left with him and
there's an odor coming from that waterbed - scares even me.
GRIFF Are things really that bad?
AL Yes, things are that bad! Married men can never go back to being single. See, there's
this gene. It's called The Single Gene. It's in us when we're born. But as soon as we
marry, it mysteriously disappears. Nobody knows why, but I suspect it's removed
chromosome by chromosome by our wives.
GRIFF And how would they go about this?
AL Do we really know why they own so many tweezers?
GRIFF So, Al, if they don't like us being single, why do they keep kicking us out of the
AL That's part of their cruel tricks. See, without The Single Gene we're helpless. We just
wander around smelling of Rogaine and gin. Until finally we fall off our toilets and die.
Marcy is shopping in a supermarket. Her cart bumps into Al's cart.
MARCY Well, looky here. You know, I would have thought grocery shopping for you would involve
swinging from trees.
AL You know I'd love to stand here and chat with ya, Marce, but I think standing this close
to the fryer section would make you a little nervous. So I guess I'll just mosey along.
MARCY Fine. I was going to talk to you about Peggy, but I guess you wouldn’t really be
AL [somewhat eager] Peg?? Is Peg here?
MARCY No. She's getting her hair done for a little dinner party that she's throwing tonight.
AL Oh, Peg is throwing a dinner party.
MARCY She has a date with a wealthy, gorgeous man. She asked me to pick out a nice wine for
A store worker passes by and Marcy stops him.
MARCY Oh, excuse me. Do you have a Hardy Bordeaux?
CLERK Wine is isle four. Just step over Mrs. Bradley.
As he walks off, Al stops him.
AL Uh, excuse me... I'm spending the evening with a supermodel and [indicates a display
behind him] are these all the condoms you have?
CLERK Of course not. I have more in back right next to the reality pills. Let me get them.
MARCY Well, Al, have fun with your supermodel. Try not to get any paper cuts.
Marcy trots off, cackling.
AL Okay, Bullethead. We both know what's going on here. I don't have a date tonight and
Bonbon Betsy isn't giving any dinner party.
MARCY Right, Al. Yeah, the truth is is that Peggy was hoping that you could come to dinner
tonight and tried to talk her out of it, but you know how stubborn she can be...
AL [excitedly] Well, how about I get there 'round six? Is that okay?
MARCY Perfect. See you at six.
Marcy leaves. Al picks up a packet of condoms and reads from it.
AL "Ribbed for her pleasure." They're never happy.
Back at the Bundy house, Kelly and Bud watch Peggy as she takes a plate of uncooked meat out of
PEGGY [poking at it] Hey, this isn't even warm.
KELLY Well, we'll help you out, Mom.
KELLY I mean, after all we want to make a good impression on Step Daddy...
BUD That's right.
PEGGY [shooing them away] Which you are, since you are currently in Brazil saving the
KELLY We are? I hope we meet Sting!
BUD Mom, why don't you want us to meet this guy?
PEGGY Same reason you never wanted to bring your dates home to meet me.
KELLY Step Daddy's a lazy, bonbon-swilling, Oprah-holic?
PEGGY Do you know how difficult it is for a single working mom to meet a man???
BUD Uh, wait a minute. Let's see, you don't work, and technically, you're not single. And
you've never really been much of a mom.
KELLY Bud, how could you say that? She raised two kids who are about to save the rainforest.
PEGGY Let me put it this way: either you get out of here, or I'm gonna send you to live with
Kelly and Bud have already exited, complete with sound effect.
The dinner party. Peggy, Bruce, Marcy and Jefferson sit at the Bundy's table.
PEGGY So, would anybody like some more potato salad?
She holds up her potato salad effort - raw, unpeeled potatoes in a bowl of lettuce. The others
PEGGY Well, I... I hope you're all enjoying your meal.
BRUCE I've been enjoying this bite for half an hour.
JEFF [forcing a smile] Um, what is this delightful crunchy coating?
PEGGY Well, that's rust from the pan. You know, iron is really good for ya. Hope you saved
room for dessert!
As Peggy gets up and moves into the kitchen, the other three quickly spit out their mouthfuls.
Jefferson gives his piece of potato to Lucky, who tries to eat it, but nudges it away instead.
JEFF Oh God, I wonder what dessert's gonna be. Phlegm-brule?
MARCY I'll go find out. Bruce, why don't you tell Jefferson about those car dealerships you
own? [to Jefferson, quietly] Suck up to him, honey, it could mean a job.
Marcy goes into the kitchen. Jefferson looks worried.
BRUCE Have you heard about the new Korean car? It's got a sun young moon roof. [he laughs at
his own joke] Rich and funny. God, I'm a catch!
MARCY Oh, he's wonderful, Peggy, he reminds me of Jefferson. Except with his own credit cards.
PEGGY I know. You know, he is perfect, buuut I just -
MARCY Well, if you don't want him, I'll take him.
PEGGY Well, what about Jefferson?
MARCY Who's Jefferson?
Bruce starts choking on some of his "food".
JEFF Are you, are you alright?
Bruce can't answer, so Jefferson gets up to give him the Heimlich Manoeuvre.
JEFF Alright, here we go. Up, up, come on, up.
Jefferson gives him one thrust, but it doesn't work. He tries again and again.
From Peggy and Marcy's point of view, it appears as though Jefferson is humping Bruce.
PEGGY Wow. Jefferson must really want a job.
One more thrust, and the food finally flies out of Bruce's mouth.
PEGGY You know, if you didn't like it, you could've just spit it up into your napkin.
BRUCE No, no, no, that was wonderful, I just that I hate to see you slaving away in the
kitchen. From now on we eat out.
PEGGY Oooh. Can we go to one of those fancy French places?
BRUCE Oh, my darling, if this year-end Yugo Palooza sale goes as well as I expect, I'll be
taking you to dine in Paris. Ever made love in the Eiffel Tower?
PEGGY No, but once I frenched a guy in the Sears Tower.
The doorbell rings. Peggy goes to answer it as Jefferson sits and smokes a cigar.
Peggy opens the door to find Al standing outside, holding some flowers behind his back.
PEGGY Al, what are you doing here?
MARCY [with glee] I invited him! Al, I'd like you to meet Peggy's new boyfriend. [Marcy brings
Bruce to Peggy and Al] Bruce.
Marcy takes a picture of the three of them.
MARCY Look, Jefferson, we have our Christmas card!
AL Gee, Peg... you really have a new boyfriend.
BRUCE Well, this is an awkward moment. Fortunately, I'm so self-centred it's not going to
AL Well, uh, me either. Uh... [he drops the flowers outside the door] the only reason I
accepted Marcy's invitation was an excuse to... see my dog.
Al walks in, hiding a box of bonbons he has away from Peggy. He sits next to Lucky and pats him.
AL Hey there, fella. How ya doing there? Hey, look, I brought you some uh, bonbon biscuits
here... you can't imagine how I miss this guy. Hahaha. [to Jefferson] Didn't he used to
JEFF That was Buck.
AL Ah. [getting up again] Well, uh, goodbye all, gotta be going. Frankly, coming back to
this house is giving me the willy squidgets.
MARCY Well, let me show you out. [giddily] This is the happiest day of my life.
AL Yeah, no problem.
Al leaves. Marcy follows him.
JEFF Well, that went well.
AL [o.s.] Here's some flowers for ya.
Marcy comes back in, spitting out petals.
Kelly and Bud are in the living room, dressed in preppy clothes.
KELLY Oh, I can't believe we finally get to meet Step Daddy.
BUD Now, remember, he's gonna be trying to buy our affection, so to really rake it in, I
suggest we play hard to get.
KELLY Play what?
BUD Hard to get. [Kelly shrugs, totally clueless] Ah, it's like when you have a date and
you decide to wear a bra?
KELLY Ohhh, right. Okay, baby!
PEGGY [o.s.] Kids! Bruce'll be here any minute. Now remember, put your best foot forward.
Kelly holds up both of her feet and looks at them.
KELLY What's she talking about? They look exactly the same.
The doorbell rings. Bud gets up to answer it.
BUD Now remember, hard to get.
KELLY [quietly] Hard to get. Right.
Bud straightens his hair and clothes, then opens the door to Bruce. He steps in a shakes Bud's
BRUCE Hi, I'm Bruce Wright...
Kelly lunges forward and hugs Bruce.
KELLY We love you, Step Daddy!!
BUD [pulling her away] Kelly, Kelly, that's not playing hard to get.
KELLY It is for me.
BUD [shaking his hand again] Nice to meet you, Mr. Wright.
BRUCE Yeah. I thought you two would be in Brazil saving the rainforest.
KELLY Oh, well, we had to come because, uh... we forgot our umbrellas. It was like whoa!
Rainy, you know what I mean...
BUD Ha ha ha. No, actually, we live here. Ah, you ought to know that Kelly and I are
extremely protective of our, our dear mother. And we want only the best for her.
BRUCE Oh me too. That's way I've been thinking that maybe you two should be leaving this
split-level port-a-potty... and taking responsibility for your own lives.
Bud and Kelly gasp in horror.
KELLY He's a wicked Step Daddy!
BUD Kelly, hug him hard and don't let go until you've got his wallet.
Kelly hugs Bruce and looks quickly for his wallet just as Peggy comes downstairs, also dressed
PEGGY Well, I see you've met my daughter. Are we still dating?
BRUCE [pushing Kelly away] Yes, of course, yes. But this would make a great Penthouse letter.
Kelly and Bud pull Peggy aside.
KELLY You have to dump him.
BUD Yeah. He's a - he’s a bad man, he's a very bad man.
KELLY He doesn't like us.
PEGGY Yeah, well, most people don't. Have you ever thought that it might be you?
BUD Mom, he's trying to take you away from us!
PEGGY I know that, and don't you try to stop him.
Peggy starts to walk off, but the kids stop her.
KELLY Alright, alright, alright... we didn't want to have to tell you this, but... he's a
BUD And - and he... [sadly] he touched me.
Kelly strokes Bud's face.
PEGGY You wish. Now look, I know that Bruce isn't perfect. He doesn't have your father's
animal magnetism... or his animal scent... or his hairy knuckles... but what he does
have is money. Enough to turn me into a lady of leisure.
KELLY Mom, if you were any more leisurely you'd be unconscious.
PEGGY Yes, but I'd be unconscious on a suede couch with a big screen TV. [turning around] And
a maid serving me bonbons, right, Bruce?
BRUCE [chuckling] Uno memento, pour va vour.
KELLY [to Bud] I get it now, he's just using Mom to get his green card!
BRUCE Should you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Wright, I'm sure you'll wanna know how to
cook and clean.
PEGGY Well, why can't I have a maid? You're rich.
BRUCE And I plan to stay that way. [laughs] I certainly [looking around] don't want to end up
PEGGY Well... what about eating out all around the world?
BRUCE We can do that while we're courting. But as we say in the car business, "you don't have
to kiss ass once you close the deal."
PEGGY And just what makes you think that I wanna "close the deal"?
BRUCE I just assumed that. I mean, a top of the line model like myself doesn't stay long on
the showroom floor. And although you are very attractive... we can't turn your odometer
All three Bundys look offended.
BUD Excuse me, but nobody speaks to my mother like that.
BRUCE Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, Junior?
Kelly walks toward Bruce sweetly, and as he holds his arms out, she kicks him in the leg. Bud
then takes over and punches Bruce and pushes him towards the door, kicking him. Bud runs Bruce
into the door hard before opening it.
BRUCE [dizzy] If you're in the market for a used car, call me.
BUD Get outta here, you bum!
Bud shoves Bruce out the door and shuts it, happily. He and Kelly dance around.
Peggy looks upset.
BUD And you know what Dad would do if he was here right now? He'd lead us in a Whoa Bundy.
Bud and Kelly prepare their whoa-ing hands, but Peggy suddenly bursts into tears.
PEGGY [sitting] Yeah, but he's not here, so it's a No Bundy!
Bud and Kelly comfort Peggy.
KELLY What are you saying, Mom? You miss Dad?
PEGGY More than words can say!
We see clips of Al, then of Peggy & Al, from the following episodes:
Al sits with his hand in his pants from 0509.
Al pushes the car home from 0409.
Al squeezes his stomach from 1106.
Al wraps the phone cord around his neck from 0803.
Al does his football pose from 0613.
Al bends over with Peggy watching from 0509.
Al throws Peggy off his back from 1115.
Peggy brushes Al's teeth and armpits from 0713.
Peggy electrocutes Al from 0220.
Peggy kicks Al off the top bunk from 1115.
Al rubs Peggy's butt from 0720.
Al uses a remote control on Peggy from 0521.
Al drags Peggy away from 0401.
Al licks and bites Peggy from 0707.
As the montage ends, we see Al in his flat, looking lonely. A plane lands, and more debris falls
from the roof. A knock is heard.
AL [answering it] I told you, technically my rent is not due till after the fifteenth of
the... [sees Peggy at the door] Hi, Peg.
PEGGY Hi, Al. Can I come in?
AL In here? Uh, yeah... just a minute, Peg. Excuse me.
He closes the door, then quickly runs around and rubs deodorant on the underarms of his shirt.
He takes a swig of beer, gargles, then spits it out into a trophy. He then lets Peggy in.
AL Come in. Sorry the, uh... place in a little bit of a mess here, but uh, well... I - I
PEGGY Oh, that's okay. You know, I just came over to um... uhh... talk about the kids.
AL Oh. Yeah, sorry, Peg. I'd take the kids off your hands but the manager here says that he
won't allow pets or kids and Bud and Kelly fall in there somewhere.
PEGGY Oh, it's not that, it's just that uh... Well, you know, I'm worried about Bud. He's been
getting into a lot of fights lately, and, and I thought you should know about that.
AL Well, I certainly should. I am still the boy's father, and if he's getting in fights
then I should be there to congratulate him. I'll stop over tomorrow right after work.
PEGGY Oh. Okay. So, uh, how is work? [sits]
AL Oh, you know... can't complain.
PEGGY Well, you can try. You know, the kids and I kind of miss your little shoe stories.
AL [sitting next to her] Well, there, uh, there was this woman who came in the store today,
tried on every black high heel we had in stock and then told us she was just browsing.
So, just as she was leaving, someone plugged her right in the ass with a 7EEE clog.
Don't know who!
PEGGY [edging closer to him] Someone who could rifle a football forty yards down field I'll
AL Could be!
AL So, how's things with you, Peg?
PEGGY Oh, pretty good. Marcy sends her hate.
AL Marcy, huh? Amazing amount of spunk for a stick figure.
PEGGY Oh, you know what, Al? I brought you something [gets a TV Guide out of her purse] See?
It has your name right on the label.
AL [reading] "A. Bundy". You bought me my own TV Guide!
PEGGY Well, you know, we have been married for twenty-five years. Since you were eighteen and
I was uh... nine.
AL Yeah. Boy, we had some good times, didn't we, Peg? [thinks] Didn't we?
PEGGY Gee, I haven't given it much thought. Probably. Well... I guess I better be going. Oh,
what am I thinking? I don't have a ride. Kelly and her date dropped me off.
AL Oh, well, I... I s'pose I could give you a ride.
PEGGY Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble?
AL No, no trouble.
In the car. Al and Peggy have stopped somewhere.
AL Well, Peg, here we are.
PEGGY "Here we are" where?
AL Come on, Peg! Don't you remember Maple Lane? And the Maple tree on Maple lane??
PEGGY Oh, Al... this is where parked the very the first time we...
AL Yep. The first time we ever had a fight. I don't remember much about the fight, but I
sure do remember making up.
PEGGY Ohhhh. [moves closer to Al] Oh, Al. Since this was our biggest fight ever, will we have
our biggest make up ever?
AL You got that right, babe. Just like this car, we're built to last.
Al puts his arm over Peggy and they disappear from view. The dodge then collapses.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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