GOD HELP YE MERRY BUNDYMEN
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Kevin Lamont Smith........Biff
Amy Lyndon................Mall Manager
Steven Anthony Lawrence...Kid #1
Lynette Bennett...........Judge #1
Mary Stein................Judge #2
Christian McLaughlin......Reindeer Dancer
The shoe store. "Jingle Bells" plays.
There are a lot of women standing outside the door waiting for the store to open. Inside, Al and
Griff are kneeling near the window, holding hands and praying.
AL Dear Lord, I know we haven't talked to you since the Fourth of July blow-out sale, but...
with three more shopping days until Christmas, we ask you to protect us as we stare into
the valley of the shadow of thighs.
AL You can let go of my hand now, Griff.
GRIFF Do I have to?
Al shakes his hand loose.
AL Alright. [looks at the woman outside the store] Let's unlock and load.
Al pulls on a string behind him, which pulls the keys out of the door lock. The women come
stampeding in, grabbing boxes of shoes and crushing Al and Griff. "The Ride of the Valkyries" by
The Bundy living room.
Lucky, Bud, Kelly and Peggy are sitting on the couch, threading popcorn. Lucky is wearing
antlers. When the popcorn gets to Peggy, she takes it off and eats it.
PEGGY Mmmm, I love Christmas. Keep 'em coming, kids. Oh, could you pass down some butter?
BUD [looking up] Mom.
KELLY [looking up] Mom, you're not s'posed to eat it.
PEGGY Oh, hi, honey. How was work?
AL Ohh, swell, Peg. You wanna give me a little hand here?
Al turns around and leans down. There is shoe stuck in his back. Peggy removes it.
PEGGY Gee, looks like my size. Where's the other one?
AL You don't wanna know. God, I hate Christmas!
PEGGY Oh, then I guess this wouldn't be the best time to ask about a tree.
AL Now why would I want something that just sits in the living room and takes up
electricity? I have you for that.
KELLY Come on, Daddy, we want a Christmas tree.
BUD Yeah. Yeah, and I'm not letting you hang ornaments on me again this year, either.
AL Do Bundy traditions mean nothing to you people? Oh, so you got a little rash from the
tinsel. You looked beautiful, Son.
Kelly nods in agreement.
The doorbell rings. Al answers it. Marcy comes inside, with a plate of cookies.
MARCY Merry Christmas, all! I just made some Christmas cook...
Marcy is cut off by all four Bundys diving into the cookies and devouring them.
AL Hey now!
The Bundys step back once they've finished all the cookies. Marcy is now missing a button on her
MARCY You ate my sleeve!?
Bud coughs something up.
BUD Mmm. Button.
Bud throws the button back on the plate.
MARCY Well, I just came by tell you that this year I am finally going to win the neighborhood
AL What, are you gonna stand out front, be The Little Drummer Boy?
The Bundys laugh.
MARCY No, Stench Who Stole Christmas. I have imported a hand-carved nativity scene from Bavaria.
Cost me five grand!
BUD Ah, don't you think that money could be better spent on a needy family? You know, like
KELLY [putting her arm around Bud] Just 25 cents a day would make a world of difference in
this little boy's life.
Bud puts his head on Kelly's shoulder.
MARCY Forget it. My holy family is gonna kick every Yuletide ass on the block!
PEGGY Now that's some Christmas spirit. You know, maybe we oughta have some traditions around
AL Well, Peg, like Christmas dinner?
PEGGY Oh, nah. That's been done to death. You know, I saw a gingerbread house on Oprah today.
Maybe I oughta make one of those.
BUD [to Al] Does she know that would require baking?
AL Not to mention standing up.
PEGGY [standing] I'll show you guys. I'm going in this kitchen right now and I'm gonna start
baking! [arrives at the kitchen and looks around] Alright, now tell me which one of
these things is the oven.
The shoe store.
AL Tough day, huh, Griff?
Griff is asleep (snoring) on the floor, with his head on the footstool.
GRIFF [waking up] If you shave the toes, they'll fit!
GARY Merry Christmas, jingle boobs. To stop your whining, I got you some holiday help. Boys?
Al, Griff... meet Hal, Biff.
The two young men enter. Hal, slumped, resembles Al and Biff is African-American. Al and Griff
look at them.
AL Do they remind you of anyone?
GRIFF Hootie and one Blowfish?
GARY Okay, teach them everyone you know. And when those five minutes are up, get this place
AL [to Griff] Let's huddle.
Al and griff move away from Hal and Biff. Griff puts one arm around Al and the other on his shoulder.
AL [pushing Griff's hands off] Hey, I said "huddle", not "cuddle"!
GRIFF I'm sorry. Holidays are a lonely time for me.
AL Alright, listen. We've got two young, eager boys hanging around us. You know what that
GRIFF Michael Jackson?
AL No! Management. And you know what management does?
GRIFF Takes long lunches and leaves early?
AL Exactly! We've trained our whole lives for this.
Back at the Bundy house, Peggy is making her gingerbread house.
Bud and Kelly enter from the basement, discussing something somewhat furtively. They see Peggy.
BUD Mmm-mmm-mmm! Smells good in here.
KELLY Oooh, a gingerbread house!
Kelly reaches out to touch it, but Peggy bats her hand away.
PEGGY Oh, no no! It's not for eating. this is what you call "decorative".
BUD Oh, that's great. The first time you cook something and you won't let us eat it.
KELLY Hey. hey, Mom, there's a big crack in it.
PEGGY Well, yeah. That's 'cause it's our house. You see that cotton candy? That's asbestos!
KELLY Hey, that's cool. Can I help?
PEGGY Well, sure. [slides a bowl of eggs in front of Kelly] Why don't you separate these eggs?
Kelly takes one egg out of the bowl and places it next to the gingerbread house, then removes
another egg and places it on the counter behind her.
Marcy and Jefferson suddenly enter, upset.
MARCY Peggy, oh my god. Something horrible has happened.
JEFRSN Mary and Joseph have been kidnapped from our nativity scene.
MARCY Have you guys seen anything?
KELLY Nope, nothing.
BUD No, haven't seen anything.
JEFRSN Well, they pinned this note on the donkey.
Jefferson gives the note to Peggy.
PEGGY [reading] "Pay us five hundred dollars or it's drapes for the holy family."
BUD It's "curtains"! [covering up] ... I'm sure they meant "curtains".
Both Bud and Kelly look a tad guilty.
KELLY Well, sounds like they mean business. Are you gonna pay?
MARCY Well, of course we're gonna pay!
JEFRSN Yeah, but first we're gonna call the cops.
BUD [desperately] No, no cops!! I mean, you don't wanna risk it. Kidnappers don't like it
when you call the cops. I'm sure they forgot to put that in the note.
Kelly cringes. Jefferson walks over to them.
JEFRSN Bud, Kelly?
KELLY [with fear] Yeah??
BUD [with fear] What??
JEFRSN You guys help us put these up around the neighborhood?
Jefferson rolls out a poster that contains a picture of Mary and Joseph and the words "HAVE YOU
SEEN THESE PEOPLE?" on it.
Back at the shoe store, Al and Griff are reading Big'Uns and Black Big'Uns magazines,
respectively. Hal rushes in with a paper bag.
HAL Here are you burgers, Sirs.
He gives Al and Griff their burgers.
HAL They're still warm.
AL [looking at the burger] Well done.
HAL Thank you, Sir.
AL I said I wanted them "well done"!
GRIFF Damn public school system.
AL See, this is exactly why I don't pay taxes.
GARY So, Bundy, how are your protégés doing?
AL Oh well, they're still slightly inflamed, but the new employees are doing well.
GARY Good. You two are fired.
AL What?? Well, What did we do?
GARY It's what you didn't do. Will you look at this? [picks up a handful of receipts] These
two kids have done more work in the last three days than you've done in 25 years.
AL Well, I pace myself!
GARY Hal, Biff - you're in charge now.
AL Oh. Oh, okay, fine. You want us out of here? Fine! Let's go, Griff. There's gotta be
other jobs out there that pay a lot more than this.
Al and Griff are sitting in the mall. Al is holding a sign that reads, "Will stop singing for 25
cents", and Griff is holding a cup. They are singing "Jingle Bells". Someone walks past and puts
a coin in the cup. Al and Griff stop singing momentarily... then they start singing the first
verse of the song again.
Kelly is sitting at the counter, dialling the phone. Bud stands opposite her, preparing some cue
BUD Now, remember, we don't want them to recognise you.
KELLY What, do you think I'm an idiot, Bud?
Kelly puts on a glasses-and-fake-moustache disguise. Bud gives a look and just holds up the cue
cards for Kelly. The phone at the D'Arcy house rings. Marcy and Jefferson run to answer it.
KELLY [speaking with a lowered voice and reading from the cue cards] If you ever want to see
Mary and Joseph alive again... [Bud displays the next card] Drop 500 dollars... [Bud
displays the next card, only it is upside down] Outside the ooz and 9 o'clock.
Marcy and Jefferson look puzzled.
Bud quickly turns the card the right way and whispers desperately.
BUD That's the 'zoo at 6 o'clock', you moron!
KELLY [on phone] That's the zoo at 6 o'clock, you moron.
MARCY Okay, we'll do it. But how do we know you haven't hurt them?
JEFRSN Tell them to put the statues on the phone.
MARCY Good idea. [on the phone] Put the statues on... [she takes the receiver and whacks
Jefferson over the head with it] Idiot!
Jefferson falls to the ground. Kelly hangs up and takes off the disguise.
KELLY We're rich, Bud! We're rich!
Kelly and Bud dance around joyously.
BUD This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!
Peggy enters, with shopping bags.
PEGGY Oh, I knew you kids would get the Christmas spirit.
BUD Hi, Mom. I thought you finished our gingerbread house.
PEGGY Well, I did. But I had so much fun, that I decided to bake the whole neighborhood!
Peggy whips the cover off her gingerbread masterpiece. Several houses have now been beautifully
KELLY This is incredible!
BUD Hey, look. [pointing] There's old man McGinty's house.
KELLY Oh, you even got the telescope he uses to watch me shower!
BUD Mom, what are those two marshmallows in your bedroom window?
PEGGY Ohh, [laughs] well, that's Daddy mooning the D'Arcys!
They all laugh.
Back at the mall, Al and Griff are still singing "Jingle Bells". Someone walks past and puts a
coin in their cup.
AL Bless you. [to Griff] You know, I'm tired of looking out for the cops. I'm gonna get
down to that mall employment office. You wanna come?
GRIFF No, I'm fine. I've-I've got some money put away. What kind of job you gonna find on
AL I don't know, but whatever kind of job it is, I'm sure it can't be anymore humiliating
Al is now the "Elfineer" - the train driver of a kiddies ride in the mall. The kids sing "Jingle
Bells". Al is dressed in a red and white striped shirt and green overalls. A kid on the train
KID Hey mister, are you Santa?
AL Do I look like Santa?
KID Well, you're fat!
AL Well, you're walkin'!
Al lifts the kid off the train and sends him on his way. Griff approaches.
GRIFF Al? Is that you? Man, you make one ugly hobbit!
AL [pointing to the name on his hat] I happen to be the Elfineer! At least I got a job.
GRIFF Well, I got a job.
AL I thought you said you had money put away.
GRIFF Well, I did. But, uh, then I had a corndog and a kiddie coke and there went my nest egg.
AL Well, what kind of job you doing?
GRIFF I got an executive position in the overnight delivery business.
The mall manager calls out to Griff.
MANAGER Hey, Blitzen! Get your tail back over to the sleigh.
An obviously gay man approaches Al and Griff. He is dressed in a reindeer's costume.
PRANCER Hi, I'm Prancer.
AL No kidding.
PRANCER Come on, Blitzen, it's time to get into our harness.
Prancer gives Griff a pair of antlers and walks off.
AL What kind of reindeer games you playing over there, Griff?
GRIFF One more crack out of you and I'll kick your curly-toed butt.
AL [chuckles] Ah now, Griff, don't be bitter just 'cause my job's better than yours.
Griff sighs and walks off. The kid from the train comes back to Al.
KID Mister. [holding his stomach] I don't feel so good.
AL Son, Son, I'm an elf, not a doctor.
The kid throws up on Al's feet. Al looks disgusted.
A panicked Bud, followed by Kelly, enters.
BUD This is all your fault. What were doing sticking the statues out the car window??
KELLY Well, what were you doing driving through a tunnel? I don't know what the big deal is,
BUD Oh, you don't know what the big deal is, huh? We beheaded Mary and Joseph! We're going
to jail. We're going to hell!
Kelly slaps Bud hard.
KELLY [speaking like James Cagney] Now this is what we're gonna do, see. Now we're stickin' to
our story, see. We don't know nothing about no holy family, see.
BUD We... We'll do time.
KELLY No one's sending me up the river on no nativity rap. See?
The doorbell rings.
BUD Oh my god!
Kelly slaps him again.
KELLY Now keep yer yapper shut!
Marcy and Jefferson enter.
MARCY We waited for over an hour in the snow and those creeps didn't show.
BUD It's just a contest. You still have Christmas.
MARCY To hell with Christmas, I wanna win!
Jefferson pulls a wad of cash out of his pocket.
JEFRSN You see this money? This is the closest those kidnappers are gonna get to it. I'm gonna
hunt that scum down if it takes every last cent she [gestures to Marcy] has.
BUD [weakly] I'm sure they're very, very sorry.
MARCY Noooo, [walking over to Bud and Kelly with an insane smile on her face] They'll be sorry
alright. 'Cause when we find them, I'll tear out their fingernails.
JEFRSN Rip their guts out.
MARCY And skin him alive!
BUD [breaking down] We did it! It was us. [points to Kelly] It was her!
KELLY You're not pinning this one on me, Rat Boy.
MARCY You stole our statues? [starts strangling Bud] You...
KELLY [stopping Marcy] Hey now now now, calm down, sister. We still got your lousy statues.
MARCY Good. Because if so much as one hair is missing from their heads...
BUD [wailing] They don't have any heads!
Marcy and Jefferson scream.
At the shoe store, Hal is serving a fat woman customer.
WOMAN I can't believe these don't come in a lower heel.
HAL Oh, they will. Just stand up on them.
The woman throws down the shoe and leaves. Hal shrugs as if to say, "what'd I do?"
Al enters, still dressed as the Elfineer.
BIFF Hey-ey, look. It's Santa's Village Idiot. What are you doing here?
AL I have to use the bathroom, punk.
HAL Don't they have one on the train? [mimes pulling on a cord] doot doot!
Hal and Biff laugh and high-five.
AL Oh sure, you guys think you're funny, don't ya? Well, let me tell you something. You're
looking at your futures here.
BIFF I don't think so, Elf Boy. This is just a...
AL Temporary job?
HAL Yeah. 'Cause we're gonna go to...
AL College? You got a girlfriend? [to Hal] I'll be it's a redhead.
HAL How did you know that?
AL [laughing] Lucky guess. Congratulations, boys, you peaked. You're gonna slave away here
day in, day out, year in, year out... till one day you'll be close to 50... and you'll
be an elf, driving a choo-choo!
Al laughs and walks into the back room. All the women in the store crowd around Hal and Biff.
They start asking questions and shove shoes in their faces.
BIFF Oh my God, what if he's right?
HAL We gotta get out of here!
Hal and Biff run away from women. Gary enters the store just as they leave.
HAL We quit, lady!
BIFF We quit, lady!
GARY What?? [the boys flee hastily] Oh, wait! [The woman crowd around her] Ladies, please,
The toilet flushes.
GARY [gesturing for Al] Bundy, I gotta talk to you.
Al walks over to her.
AL Oh, what, you wanna rub it in, huh? Well, that's fine. Because firing me was the best
thing you could've done. 'Cause I have a better job now, with more responsibility. And a
big hat, too! So you can take your shoe store job and shove it because I have something
that's even more important. My self respect.
GARY You can have your job back.
AL [desperately relieved] Thank you! Thank you.
He bows down to Gary's feet. One of the customers calls out.
WOMAN Excuse me, we've all been waiting forever.
AL But first, a few demands.
GARY Anything, just get back to work.
AL Alright. I want you to give Griff his job back. Although, he's a proud man; he may not
Griff, dressed as Blitzen, suddenly appears in the doorway.
GRIFF I'll take it!
Griff comes in.
GARY What else, more money?
AL Hey! I'm making the demands here! [quieter] I also want... more money. And... [points at
the Christmas tree in the store] That tree.
GARY Hmm. No more money. You can have the tree after Christmas.
AL No, no! Before Christmas. I'm going to put my foot down.
Al puts his foot down and it jingles.
GARY You drive a hard bargain for a smurf.
GRIFF He's an elf.
AL That's ex-elf!
Al, laughing, high-fives Griff.
The camera pans down from an Angel placed on the top of Marcy and Jefferson's Christmas display
to the display itself. Bud and Kelly have replaced the Joseph and Mary statues. Marcy, Jefferson
and Peggy are standing nearby.
BUD Damn, it's cold. I'm freezing my frankincense off.
KELLY This is all your fault, mistle-toed. Mom, please, make her let us go.
PEGGY No. What you did was wrong. You had no intention of sharing that ransom money with me.
JEFRSN Shh, shh. Here come the judges.
Two female judges, with a trophy, approach them.
JUDGE#1 Merry Christmas, D'Arcys. I see you've outspent yourselves as usual.
JUDGE#2 It is a beautiful display, though. [looking at Bud closely at bud] So lifelike. [pokes
Bud in the chest]
JUDGE#1 Yes, but, Mary looks a bit... [quietly] trampy.
Kelly mouths some obscenities at the Judge.
JUDGE#2 Well, I hate to say it, but I think we may have a winner.
MARCY Yes, I won! [taking the trophy] I won! Oh, I bought the spirit of Christmas!
JEFRSN Oh, I think she means she "brought" the spirit of Christmas.
MARCY Oh, yes. To you lovely people.
JUDGE#1 Wait a minute. Look at the Bundys' window. [We see Peggy's Christmas display] Is that
PEGGY Uh, I made it myself. Out of gingerbread.
JUDGE#1 Look, Marge, isn't that your father with his telescope?
She takes the trophy from Marcy with some effort and hands it to Peggy.
JUDGE#1 Congratulations, Mrs. Bundy, here's your trophy. And a hundred dollars.
She hands the delighted Peggy an envelope.
PEGGY Well, thanks! You know, I haven't won anything since I was Miss Teenage Wanker.
JUDGE#1 [to the D'Arcys] And you get second prize - a fruitcake.
The other judge holds out a fruitcake for Marcy, who just looks at it evilly.
MARCY Shove the fruitcake, you bitch.
Marcy marches off, knocking over one of the statues in the display.
BUD We'll take it.
KELLY Yeah, we love fruitcake.
Bud and Kelly take the fruitcake. The judges look a bit startled.
Bud, Kelly and Peggy are eating their fruitcake and watching a news report on TV.
TV This special report just in, hundreds of people are flocking to the Dan Ryan tunnel to
see a Christmas miracle. Witnesses are saying that the heads of Joseph and the Virgin
Mary appear to be imbedded in the tunnel wall.
Marcy is heard screaming from next door.
Al enters, in his normal clothes. He is dragging the Christmas tree behind him.
AL Merry Christmas!
Peggy, Kelly and Bud join Al.
PEGGY Oh, Al, you got a tree!
KELLY Oh, Daddy, and before Christmas!
PEGGY Ohhhh. Oh, honey, how was your day?
AL Oh, ah, same old thing, Peg: started out in the shoe store, you know, ended up in the
PEGGY Oh. You know, this is the best Christmas ever. We got a tree, [Al puts his arm around
her] and I won the neighborhood decorating contest.
BUD And I-I still have nine toes...
A crunching sound is heard.
AL Merry Christmas!
The screen displays the message, "Happy Holidays".
A Deck The Halls/Jingle Bells medley plays instead of the regular theme music.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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