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Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill.................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse..............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino.............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley...............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog..............Lucky

Guest Cast:

Harold Sylvester...........Griff
James Brown................Himself
Terry Bradshaw.............Himself
Howie Long.................Himself
Ronnie Lott................Himself
Beau Billingslea...........Reverend Hightower
Ann Weldon.................Aunt Maddie
Lakeitcha Hurd.............Mourner #1
Virginia Capers............Mourner #2
Vivian Bonnell.............Mourner #3
Patricia Belcher...........Eunetta
Nick La Tour...............Old Man
Caroline Jones.............Woman
Miles Marsico..............Boy


The Bundy living room.
Peggy is seated on the couch, reading a newspaper and Al is standing behind it.

Al:	You know, Peg, I hate to be a "needy" husband, a "demanding" husband... your
	husband, but where the hell is my Thanksgiving pie tin?

Peggy:   Er, why don't you try looking under the couch where I keep the other dirty

Al:	Once again, Peg: Way to homemake.

Al looks under the couch.

Al:	You see, I can't right reach...

Peggy gets up from the couch, picks up a vacuum cleaner and puts it on the couch.

Peggy:   Here, want to try using my bonbon retriever?

Al:	Wait a minute, I found something... [he holds up an envelope and blows the dust
	from it] Hey, it's from Bud's nursery school. [he reads the letter inside] He
	failed his TB test, Peg!

Peggy:   I told him to study!

She laughs to herself.
Bud enters from his basement in his nightclothes, couching and holding a medicine bottle.

Bud:	Damn cough, I just can't shake it.

He takes a sip from the bottle.
Marcy enters with a Thanksgiving basket of corn and fruit.

Marcy:   Happy Thanksgiving, all! [she notices that Al is holding the vacuum cleaner
	nozzel] Vacuuming for lost hair, Al?

Al:	Why don't you take your shrivelled up corns on out of here... Your cornucopia,

Bud:	Hey, wow! Corn! [Bud takes a piece of something from Marcy's basket and bites
	into it and immeadiately spits it back out] Ow!!

Marcy:   Those are shallots, you Aphid. [she sits on the couch next to Peg] Peggy, aren't
	you gonna cook a turkey for your family this Thanksgiving?

Peggy:   Huh? You expect me to cook on a holiday? Homemaking is a job too, you know.

Al:	Why don't you apply for it, Peg? 

He returns to his vacuuming. A loud clunk is heard.

Al:	Hey! I found it!

He holds up the nozzle of the vacuum cleaner and suctioned to it is the pie tin.
He kisses it.

Marcy:	Oh, good. Now you can put that metal plate back in your head. Although that's a
	lot like putting a lid on an empty jar.

Al:	Or a bra on you.

Marcy gives him a dirty look.

Al:	[holding up the pie tin] This pie tin is worth 25 cents towards one of Aunt
	Maddies's sweet potato pies.

Marcy:	If she's so famous, how come I've never heard of her?

Al:	I dunno, maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies. [he gets up]

Bud:	Please don't get him started on Aunt Maddie.

Al:	Bud, unlike the happy childhood we provided for you, I didn't have such a 
	fortunate upbringing.

Marcy:	Oh, I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Sasquatch did their best.

Al:	But we did have one holiday tradition that we cherished. Mom would serve Dad
	the traditional Wild Turkey and then chug the rest of the bottle. We'd weave
	on down to Aunt Maddie's to pick up the sweet potato pie. Then go back home, the
	folks would pass out, and I'd have me that sweet potato pie all to myself.

Bud:	[to Marcy and Peg:] Kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, huh?

Al:	That's what Mom said about that Wild Turkey...



Bud is sitting on the couch watching TV, holding a burrito in one hand and a bottle in
the other.

Bud:	Ooh yeah, shake it baby [takes a sip]

TV:	Hey babies, Miss Piggy is always a hit of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. And kids, 
	look who's coming up: Betty Boop!

Bud:	[taking a bite of the burrito] Oh, she's great.

Jefferson comes in.

Jeff:	Oh, Bud [takes off his jacket] I'm a dead man. I couldn't get the turkey, Marcy's
	gonna kill me. [he notices what's on TV] Ooh, check out Betty Boop. [sits down 
	on couch] Those have gotta be fake.

Bud:	That's nothing. Miss Piggy's dress got caught in a traffic light. I saw
	everything. Everything.

Peg comes down the stairs.

Peg:	Ooh, the parade. Hey, when did they get a Rush Limbaugh balloon?

Bud:	No Mom, that is Rush Limbaugh.

Jefferson gets up and walks over to Peg.

Jeff:	Peggy, Peggy, help. Look, Thanksgiving is Marcy's favorite holiday of the year. 
	If I ruin it she's gonna cut off my jiblets.

Bud:	I thought she did that a long time ago.

Jeff:	Will you sell me your turkey?

Peg:	Well, I'd give him to you but he's out getting pie.

Jeff:	[sighs] Ah, I'm dead. There's not a single turkey left in all of Chicago.

Kelly comes in, leading a turkey by a rope tied around its neck.

Kelly:	Hey guys, look at this fat chicken that followed me home. I'm gonna name him

Jefferson gets a wicked smile on his face.


Al and Griff are standing outside Aunt Maddie's closed store, banging on the door.

Al:	Hello! Hello! Aunt Maddie, open up!

Griff:	Hey Al, they're closed! It says there's been a death in the family [he points to
	a note that's taped to the window]

Al:	Oh God, no! Does that mean no pie this Thanksgiving?

An old man walks over to them.

Man:	Can I help you folks?

Al: 	Yeah, I need to find Aunt Maddie. Do you know where she is?

Man:	Oh, she's down at the church, son.

Al:	Where's that?

Man:	Now you go down to the end of the block and you make a right. Go past the
	barbershop and you take your first right. Go another block, make another right,
	then one more right and it's on your right.

Al:	Well, wouldn't it be easier just to cross the street?

Man:	Sure, but I need a ride to the barbershop.


Kelly is sitting with Hank on the couch. They're both eating popcorn out of a bowl she's
holding. Jefferson, Bud and Peg are standing in the kitchen.

Peg:	Turkey on Thanksgiving. This could catch on.

Bud:	[holding a large pot] Kelly, look at the, uh, look at the nice bed we made for
	Hank [he opens the pot]

Peg:	Listen honey, when he's all snuggled in, we'll kiss him goodbye [Bud gives her a
	look] I mean, goodnight. And then we're gonna put him into his little house [she 
	opens the oven door]

Kelly:	I don't know if he's gonna like it. Hank's afraid of the dark.

Jeff:	But see, if I turn this little dial, his house fills up with a pretty blue light.

Bud:	Yeah, and he'll be real comfy, sleeping on these bread crumbs. [He fills his hand 
	with bread crumbs from the pot and lets them slip through his fingers]

Kelly:	[getting up] Wait a minute. I know what you guys are trying to do. You're trying 
	to get Hank to like you more than me. Well I'm sorry, we're too smart to fall for 

Jeff:	[to Bud] Here's what we're gonna do: I'll distract her while you snap the neck.

Bud:	Couldn't you snap her neck? After all, she is my sister, I couldn't...

Peg sits on the arm of the small couch, near Kelly.

Peg:	Kelly honey, I'm getting a little concerned. You're getting very attached to Hank 
	and, um, the life span of a turkey is very short.

Jeff:	Especially this time of year.

Bud notices Kelly is cutting a pair of his jeans.

Bud:	[angrily] Kelly, what are you doing? These are my pants!

Kelly:	I know, but you and Hank are about the same size [smiles, than notices Jeff who
	is trying to choke Hank] Hey, what are you doing with your hands around Hank's

Jefferson stops.

Jeff:	Uh, just checking his pulse. [looks at his watch] Uh, he doesn't look too good.

Peg:	Could be turkey pox.

Bud:	Maybe we should check his temperature...with this [holds up a meat thermometer]

Peg:	First we better take off his feathers and examine him.

Kel:	Wait a minute. I know what you guys are up to. You just wanna see Hank naked! God!


Al and Griff walk into the church. Al leans over next to a woman.

Al:	Excuse me, I'm looking for Aunt Maddie.

Woman:  Here she comes now.

Six men walk in carrying a coffin. Al looks stunned.



Al is sitting in the church, sobbing. There is a line of mourners in the aisle.

Al:	I don't know how I'm gonna live without the warmth and sweetness.

Mrnr1:	We're all gonna miss her.

Al:	The unforgettable spicy flavor and the buttery bottom.

Mrnr2:	Good Lord, is he talking about Aunt Maddie?

Mrnr3:	I think Aunt Maddie had "jungle fever" with this man!

Meanwhile, Griff is sitting next to Al with his arm around a girl's shoulder.

Griff:	So, do you come here often?

Girl:	Do you mind? I'm overwhelmed with grief.

Griff:	Then how'd you like to be overwhelmed by Griff?

The girl smacks him with her purse, gets up and walks away. James Brown, who is sitting
behind Al and Griff, leans closer to them.

JB:	Gentleman, excuse me, I don't believe we've met. I'm James Brown, Aunt Maddie's 

Griff:	Aren't you that guy on TV?

Al:	The host of NFL on FOX?

JB:	Yeah, but you know, I also cover hockey.

Al:	Yeah, but who cares about that.

JB:	So you knew my Aunt Maddie?

Al:	I have very fond memories of your aunt. My mother and father used to take me to 
	her pie store every Thanksgiving. Then I'd try to steal a cookie and she'd smack
	me upside the head and then she'd give me the cookie anyway. Wonderful woman.

JB:	Wait a minute. Don't tell me you're Al Bundy.

Al:	Yeah. Did she talk about me?

JB:	Oh my goodness, all the time! As a matter of fact, I'm where I am today because 
         of you.

Al:	Really?

JB:	Yeah, I can hear her now. She used to say: "James, do your homework, or you'll 
	wind up like Al Bundy".

Al:	[bitterly] Yeah, I'm glad I could help.

James Brown pats Al on the shoulder and gets up.

JB:	So, you're staying for pie?

Al's eyes widen. He and Griff stand up.

Al:	Pie?

JB:	Well, of course. After the service, we're all going to have a bit of Aunt Maddie's
	last sweet potato pie. [he lifts a cover to reveal a steaming pie]

The choir sings: "Hallelujah!". Al licks his lips.


Peg and Jeff are sharpening a knife in the kitchen.

Kelly:	[calling from upstairs] Hankie, your bubble bath's ready.

Bud runs down the stairs holding Hank and puts him on the kitchen table.

Bud:	Okay, let's kill him!

Jefferson throws himself on top of Hank. Kelly comes down the stairs.

Kelly:	Hankie pookie, are you down here? [she notices what's going on in the kitchen and 
	halts] Hey! What are you doing?

Peg:	Oh, this is ridiculous. [she walks over to Kelly] Kelly, look. I know you love
	Hank so I'm gonna say this as gently as possible: We're gonna cut that bird's
	head off, stuff his butt full of bread and eat him.

Kelly gasps, pushes them aside and grabs Hank.

Kelly:	Get away! You are not gonna kill Hank!

She runs upstairs.


Peg, Jeff and Bud are standing in the hallway upstairs. Peg is knocking on a door.

Peg:	Kelly! Kelly, it's your mother. You know I'm on your side. How many heart-to-
	hearts have we had through this door?

Bud:	Mom, that's the linen closet.

Peg:	We have a linen closet?

Bud nods. Peg walks to the opposite door and starts knocking.

Peg:	Open up!

The camera moves into Kelly's room.

Kelly:	Go away, you turkey-haters!

Bud:	[outside] Kelly, I promise you he won't feel a thing!

Kelly:	This isn't one of your dates, Bud! [she starts stroking Hank's neck. To Hank:]
	I'm sorry, Hank, I really want to keep you but it's not safe here. I'm gonna have
	to set you free. 

Hank makes some noises.

Kelly:	Oh, me too! I'll never forget you. Fly away, Hank! Fly like the wind!

She throws him out the window. He crashes on the porch.

Kelly:	[shocked] I meant fly UP, Hank! 

She wails.


At the church: the choir is singing and clapping, and Griff is dancing in the center, holding a
tambourine and wiggling his butt. The song ends.

Griff:	That was inspirational! Let's do another one!

Rev.:	Amen, brother Griff!

Al pulls Griff back into his seat.

Griff:	What?!

Al:	I've been waiting for a year for a taste of this pie, so if you don't want to
	make this a double funeral, stop singing!

The choir starts singing "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands". 
Griff gets up and dances back to the stage.

Al:	[singing] I've got the whole pie in my hands. [he stands up] Excuse me, excuse 
	me, Reverend Hightower! [music stops] Now, this glorious music has ridden on 
	angels' wings to Aunt Maddie's ears. But now it's time to celebrate her life by 
	sharing this heavenly pie.

Rev.:	Hallelujah! Brother Al's love for Aunt Maddie's pie should be an inspiration 
         to us all.

Al:	Well, not to us all, there's only one pie...

Rev.:	Brother Al used the word "heavenly" and he is right.

Crowd:	Hallelujah!

Rev.:	He is so right that we cannot, we should not, we must not divide this pie!

Al:	Hallelujah!

Rev.:	Because only one is worthy of it.

Al:	[excitedly] I think they're gonna give me this pie!

Rev.:	As brother Al suggests, this pie should go to our heavenly father.

The crowd mutters in agreement.

Al:	Him? Him? Why Him? He can get a pie anytime He wants to. Oh wait, please, 
	please don't take it.

Rev.:	You're right. We can't take it to Him. Only Aunt Maddie can take it to Him.

[he places the pie inside the coffin]

Al:	Let us bow our heads in prayer.

Rev.:	Yes. Let us pray.

The crowd bow their heads. Al walks over to the coffin.

Al:	Aunt Maddie, excuse me. I just know you'd want me to have this last pie. So if
	you could, will you just give me a sign, any sign at all. [nothing happens] Even
	if the sign is no sign. [still nothing] Good. The sign is no sign at all.

Al takes the pie from the coffin and accidentally makes it shut noisily. 
Everyone looks up.

Al: 	She - she was getting cold.

Euneta: That no-good Bundy boy is stealing Aunt Maddie's pie! Get him!

The rest of the scene is in slow motion: 
Al runs past a girl, pushes aside two men, ducks past Miss Eunetta (who manages to stop
Griff) and bumps into James Brown near the exit. He passes the box back to Griff, kicks
James Brown in the leg, runs past him, receives the box back from Griff, runs past three
more men who crash into James Brown, and makes it outside.


Peg, Marcy, Jeff, Kel and Bud are standing around the kitchen table, where the now cooked
Hank is on a plate. Kelly, now wearing black, is holding a hankerchief and sobbing.

Kelly:	Well, who knew that turkies couldn't fly?

Marcy:	[raising her hand] I did.

Peg:	Me too.

Jeff:	[raising his hand] Ditto.

Lucky raises his paw and whimpers.

Bud: 	Duh.

Kelly sobs.

Marcy:	[holding Jefferson's arm] Jefferson, thanks for my Thanksgiving turkey.

Jeff:	Well, you really have to thank Kelly. She's the one who threw him to his neck-
	snapping death.

Kelly wails. She leans close to Hank.

Kelly:	I'm so sorry, Hank.

Bud:	You're talking to his butt. His head's in the garbage.

Kelly lets out a louder wail. The doorbell rings.

Peg:	You guys are really being insensitive. Honey, it was an accident.

Marcy:  Right.

Jeff:	It wasn't your fault.

Bud opens the door and a young boy comes in.

Boy:	Hi. Mr McGinty told me you found my turkey. Where is he?

Peg, Marcy and Jefferson all point to Kelly and say together: "She killed him!"

Boy:	You killed Timothy?

Kelly:	I'm sorry, I threw him out the window 'cause I thought he could fly.

Boy:	What are you, an idiot? I raised him from an egg! We won a four-age ribbon

Kelly:	I'm really sorry.

The boy walks over to the table.

Boy:	It's not fair. I wanted to kill him! I didn't even get to chop off his head!

The boy takes Hank and leaves.

Jeff:	Well, you know it wasn't much fun. I mean he didn't run around or anything.

Al comes in from the garage holding the pie.

Al:	Ladies and gentleman, Marcy... I got my pie. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going
	to enjoy it. [sits on couch]

Peg sits next to him, and the others gather around the couch.

Peg:	Al, we had a horrible Thanksgiving.

Kel:	I killed my pet turkey.

Jeff:	And I forgot to reserve a turkey.

Marcy:	I didn't get to eat turkey.

Bud:	I saw Miss Piggy's woo-woo. [everyone looks at him] I mean, we're starving.

Al:	Are you kidding me? You know what I had to go through to get this pie?

Griff comes in, bruised and bloody, and with a torn shirt.

Griff:	How could you leave without me?

Al:	You weren't in the car?

Griff:	No! You know how hard it is for a bloody black man to get a cab on

Al:	I'm sorry, buddy. Thanks a lot for running interferance for me.

Griff:	Well, if you really want to thank me, just give me a piece of that pie [sits on 

Al gets up.

Al:	No! It's a Thanksgiving tradition. You know I never share my pie.

Peg:	I think Aunt Maddie would want you to share.

Al:	Peg, the only thing I'm sharing is this Thanksgiving wish for all of you: get

Al hears Aunt Maddie's voice:

AM:	Al Bundy! [he looks around] Down here, boy.

Al notices the face on the pie box is talking.

Al:	Aunt Maddie?

AM:	Al Bundy! What did I always say?

Al:	"If you want that cookie you've gotta pay for it"?

AM:	No, the other thing.

Al:	"My pies are always sweeter when you share 'em"?

AM:	That's right. Now you share that pie with your family and friends. Don't make me 
	hit you upside the head.

Peg:	Come on, Al. It's Thanksgiving. Share with us.

Al:	No.

An invisible hand smacks Al in the back of his head. We hear Aunt Maddie's voice saying: "Al Bundy!"

Al:	Okay. Anybody want to share my pie?

They all come over.

Marcy:	Yes!
Peg:	Oh Al!	
Kel:	Thank you, Daddy! Happy Thanksgiving.

AM:	Good boy.

Al:	[in his head] Happy Thanksgiving, Aunt Maddie.


We see sportscasters James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Ronnie Lott in the FOX
sports studio.

TB:	JB, I can't believe you got smoked by Al Bundy. I mean, my God, the man's a 
	middle-aged shoe salesman!

RL:	Hey guys, let's check this out and let's go to the replay.

A replay of Al's run out of the church comes on. 

TB:	Hey, check out the missed tackle by Miss Eunetta. That's just sloppy. Now Bundy 
	heads for daylight. Oh, and who's there to stop him? That's right! Our own James 
	"fold up like a blanket" Brown!

JB:	Where's the flag? I told you they should bring back instant replay!

RL:	Man, he ran over you like a woman in a shoe sale.

Replay ends.

HL:	I'll tell you what, JB. It looked like Al Bundy wanted it a little more that you.

TB:	Ooh...

JB:	Wait a minute. Who asked you, four eyes?

TB:	Ooh...

HL:	You talking to me? You want some of me, Harvard?

They all stand up.

TB:	Whoa fellows, let's calm down, let's just get along.

JB:	Stay out of it, Baldie!
HL:	Stay out of it, Baldie!

They push him aside and start to fight.


Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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