BUD ON THE SIDE
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog...........Lucky
David Alan Graf.........Delivery Guy #1
John Talamantez.........Delivery Guy #2
Peggy and Kelly are sitting on the couch and Bud is standing in the living room.
Al enters and shoots a "hi" signal.
AL) Peg, I've got a problem.
PEGGY) [waving her hands around] Nails drying!
AL) For once why can't it be pie cooling, bread baking, hmm... divorce pending...
PEGGY) Look Al, I am up from noon 'til Oprah solving this family's problems. Now I'm
tired and I need a nap. Kelly, come hold my hands up.
Kelly follows Peg upstairs. Al sits on the couch and Bud joins him.
BUD) Ah, Dad. [switches off TV with remote] Now, I'll listen to your problem if you'll
help me with mine?
AL) Son, your problems are simple, just avoid liquids past nine o'clock.
BUD) Dad, I'm not sixteen any more, all right! My life is a little bit more complicated.
I'm having serious girl trouble.
AL) Well, me too Bud, and it's gonna remain that way unless the couch suddenly
develops a taste for human flesh.
BUD) Dad, please! Now, lately, I can't get any girl to go out with me.
AL) Oh, now, Bud, I find that hard to believe, I mean, look at you! Oh, then again,
looks aren't everything. Personality is important. So we'll skip that. So basically,
you have nothing to offer a woman. Son, what you have to do is lower your standards,
think desperate. Think... a single version of... your mother.
BUD) Thanks, Dad. Now I never, ever, ever want to have sex again.
He slumps to the side of the couch, depressed.
AL) Welcome to the club, Son. Now, let's talk about my problem. My boss Gary is crankier
than ever. She's been riding me like a cheap carnival pony. "Wait on the customers,
ring up the bills, don't steal." What a shrew! You know, Bud, this Father-Son
stuff ain't bad, we ought to do this more often.
Al looks next to him only to find that Bud has disappeared.
The shoe store.
A customer is sitting on one of the chairs admiring a shoe on her foot. Al sits opposite her,
waiting. Griff sits next to her, wearing glasses and reading a book, on "break".
Al checks his watch.
AL) So are you, ah, gonna to settle on those, ma'am? They look beautiful on you.
CSTMR) Don't try those high pressured sales tactics on me! I really thought this mule
would look better in white.
AL) [quietly, to Griff] I bet that's what her husband said on her wedding day.
CSTMR) [takes the shoe off] Do you have it in black?
AL) Ma'am, I would really love to help you now, but [checks his watch] I just went on
break! [gets up]
CSTMR) Well, what about him? [gestures to Griff]
GRIFF) Sorry Ma'am, I'm still on break.
CSTMR) And just when exactly is your break over?
GRIFF) [checks his watch] Well, it was going to be in another 30 seconds, but now that I
just helped a customer I gotta start all over.
AL) [shrugs his shoulders] Rules are rules.
The customer throws down the shoe and leaves. Al sits next to Griff.
AL) You know what we need Griff? A break room. So we won't be bothered by these
GARY) Men, I need to speak with you.
AL) See what I mean?
GARY) Oh, let me take a wild guess. You're on a break?
GRIFF) Don't interrupt us or we'll have to start over.
GARY) You two are completely useless.
AL) We've noticed that ourselves. [stands] We don't feel that we're not properly
motivated. You now what would motivate us?
GARY) A cattle prod?
AL) Well, yes, that of course, but I was thinking more in the lines of a break room.
GARY) Oh yes! A break room. And I can throw in a big screen TV and a fridge full of beer!
GRIFF) Hey! You're the boss.
GARY) Yes, I am. And before I build you that dreamy break room, we are going to find out
why sales are down 500% this year!
GRIFF) Could it be the unexpected strength in the Deutschmark in today's international
AL) Women are walking less?
GARY) Nice try. Sit down, shut up, we three are gonna go over the books.
She exits into the back room.
GRIFF) Boy, that was close. We almost got busted.
AL) Yeah, good thing we don't keep any books.
He mimes "Let's go" and they flee.
Bud enters the empty store.
BUD) Dad, I'm here.
Bud sees a leg model and touches it delicately and longingly. Then he sees the mirror
on the floor and turns around to check out his butt.
Gary enters and Bud doesn't see her.
GARY) Looks good from here.
Bud stops examining his butt.
BUD) Oh, I was just looking for my Dad.
GARY) Interesting place to look!
BUD) Maybe I should go find him.
GARY) [stopping him] Oh, no rush! No rush. Well, well, well, well, well, young Bud Bundy.
Let's see, I haven't seen you since I threw your family out of the company picnic.
GARY) You have certainly turned into a handsome young man. Your girlfriend is a very lucky
BUD) Actually, I don't have girlfriend.
GARY) [very interested] Really? I would've guessed that girls would be jumping all
over a studmuffin like yourself.
BUD) Ah, y'know, I've bagged my share! Y'know, I don't really don't want to be tied down.
GARY) Well, don't knock it till you try it!
Gary puts her leg on Bud's legs. Bud starts to look worried.
BUD) [in a babyish voice] I think I hear my Daddy calling me...
He starts to get up but Gary stops him.
GARY) Where's the fire? Besides in my secret places?
She starts making circling motions with her fingers around Bud's chest.
BUD) [nervously] Wha-wha-what are you doing?
GARY) [touches him on the nose] You.
Bud makes nervous noises but Gary silences him.
GARY) Don't fight it, Bud.
She leans over and kisses him. Bud is shocked.
GARY) Well, you could fight it a little.
A beat, then Bud jumps onto Gary, kissing her.
The Bundy lounge room.
Peggy and Al enter in their pajamas, carrying plates of food.
PEGGY) You are a genius, Al. I can't believe that that worked!
Al) Hey, when you tell a retired couple their house is on fire, finishing their
breakfast just isn't a priority.
They start their way upstairs, but stop when the see Bud - also in his pajamas - holding
a tray containing beer and Tang from the kitchen.
BUD) Mom, Dad. What are you two doing up?
PEGGY) Looks like somebody had a slumber party last night.
AL) So, looks like you took your Dad's advice and found yourself a desperate one.
BUD) What makes you think that?
AL) [pointing] Beer and Tang. Bundy mimosas!
He and Peg laugh.
AL) Must be a classy chick, son.
BUD) Yes, and she's painfully shy. So, why don't you two head on upstairs and you can
have breakfast in bed.
PEGGY) Ohhh, he thinks we're gonna embarrass him!
AL) Come on, Son! We're not gonna scare away a girl who's kind enough to hang out with
They head upstairs but stop when they hear Gary coming out of the basement.
She is wearing Bud's pajama top and not much else.
GARY) Hurry up with those mimosas, Love Bud, I want to get out of here before your par...
She sees Al and Peg. Al and Peg see her. Al can't believe it. He turns to the camera and screams.
Al has passed out on the couch. Kelly tries to wake him up.
KELLY) Daddy. Daddy! Wake up! Daddy. Daddy!
PEGGY) Honey, let me do it.
Peggy grabs Al by his shirt and slaps him across the face four times.
PEGGY) Al, wake up!
AL) Oohhh, son touching monster in jammies!
KELLY) Now, Daddy, don't worry about it. Now, Bud is downstairs helping Gary into her
AL) [cringing] Eauugh! It's naked in the basement!
PEGGY) Al, would you relax? You told Bud to find someone desperate.
AL) When I said "aim low", I didn't think he'd excavate the tarpits!
KELLY) I don't know what the big deal is! I mean, lots of old rich people like to date
younger men. I mean, look at Cher, Roseanne, Richard Simmons.
Bud and Gary come out from the basement, fully clothed, arm in arm.
AL) You're doing this to hurt me, aren't you Gary? You've had it in for me since day one!
GARY) Bundy, as much as you deserve it, I am not doing this for revenge. I am doing this
because I am genuinely attracted to Bud.
Bud and Gary look at each lovingly.
AL) Oh, right, like I'm supposed to believe that.
GARY) You obviously don't know your son. He's a wonderful human being. [To Peggy] Who's his
PEGGY) Well, it's Al. But y'know, that night, I was thinking about Lyle Waggonner.
Al shakes his head. Bud holds Gary by the arms.
BUD) Old people always try to destroy what they can't understand.
GARY) Man, parents just don't get it, do they?
Al moans, holding his hands to his head and slumps down on the couch.
AL) It's all my fault!
PEGGY) Oh honey, don't blame yourself.
AL) You're right, Peg. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! You scarred him, Peg!
PEGGY) How could I have scarred him? I don't even remember talking to him!
AL) Peg, I'm telling you, he's looking for the mother he never had.
PEGGY) Oh, that's ridiculous.
Gary holds a tissue to Bud's nose.
Gary blows Bud's nose for him.
GARY) Good boy!
Bud looks at the family. The three of them have disgusted looks on their faces.
The shoe store.
Griff is standing behind the counter.
Al stands opposite him, now with a black cloth tied around his arm.
AL) So I told that punk son of mine and his gargoyle girlfriend that I never want to
see them together again.
GRIFF) Then you better not turn around!
Bud and Gary are outside the store, kissing. Al sits.
GRIFF) Looks like Bud can't get enough of that hot gargoyle lurve.
AL) Bud is dead to me.
GRIFF) Daaaymn! Al, look at your son go!
AL) I have no son.
GRIFF) [sitting] Those two were knocking boots right in your basement??
AL) I have no basement.
Gary and Bud enter with shopping bags.
GARY) You guys on a break? Good for you.
Al and Griff exchange a look.
Gary gets something out of her pocket and gives it to Bud.
GARY) Oh, Piglet, I almost forgot! I got you a present.
BUD) Thank you, Pooh Bear.
Al makes a vomiting motion.
GRIFF) If they start talking about the honeypot, I've dibs on the sink!
Bud opens the present.
BUD) Monogrammed beeper? Wha-what for?
GARY) For when I need you!
BUD) Ah, I may not be available, I mean, I do have a life of my own.
GARY) Ohhh, isn't that cute, Piglet. And just remember when it reads 911, Pooh Bear
needs you bad!
They leave. Griff and Al get up.
GRIFF) Say hello to Kanga and Roo for me!
Al throws a shoe at him.
GRIFF) What d'ya throw that for?
AL) Because the cash register's bolted down.
GRIFF) Al, lighten up. You didn't have a problem with Kelly dating that wealthy older man.
AL) I wouldn't have a problem if Bud dated a wealthy older man! Anybody but Gary.
JEFF) Hey Al! I was in the tanning bed and I heard about Bud and Gary, huh? It's all over
AL) Let me guess, you're all for it?
JEFF) Natch! Who cares that Gary's trash in Chanel? I've seen worse.
AL) You married worse!
JEFF) Exactly! Don't you see the beauty of this? Now that Bud has hitched his trailer to
Gary's sagging bumper, you're in for a long ride on Easy Street.
AL) Nope. Nope, no good can come of this.
A delivery guy enters with a fridge.
GUY 1) Hey, where do you want this fridge?
AL) Wherever. [to Griff and Jefferson] You don't understand a father's feelings.
This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Another delivery guy enters with a big box.
GUY 2) Hey, where do you want this TV?
AL) I don't care, put it near the other fridge. I'm telling you, there's not a power on
earth that would make me accept this unholy union!
Three Construction workers enter.
GUY 3) Gary sent us here to build you guys a break room.
AL) But, on second thought, who am I to get in the way of two crazy kids in love?
Jefferson gets 3 beers from the fridge, gives one to Griff and Al and they open them.
The Bundy house.
Peggy and Kelly are sitting at the kitchen table reading. Kelly is reading a magazine and
Peg is reading a book titled "It's Never To Late To Be A Good Mother".
PEGGY) Oh no, maybe this Bud and Gary thing is all my fault. Look, it says right here,
"What a mother does affects a child".
Kelly looks at Peg.
PEGGY) Kelly, was I bad mother?
KELLY) I don't know, whose mother are you?
KELLY) Oh. You were terrible.
Kelly gets up and sits on the couch, Peg follows her.
PEGGY) Who are you to judge? Hey, don't you remember the time I made you a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich?
KELLY) Mom, it was petroleum jelly.
PEGGY) Yeah, and you didn't get chapped lips that whole winter. And y'know, I always took
care of you when you were sick.
KELLY) Oh please, Mom. The time I had chicken pox, you slapped make-up on my face and sent
me of to school.
PEGGY) And you met your first little boyfriend that day now, didn't you?
KELLY) Yeah! Mikey Clements. Boy, naptime was a lot more fun after that!
PEGGY) Oh, I guess I wasn't such a bad mother.
KELLY) I guess not with me, but you really screwed up Bud.
Kelly goes upstairs and Al enters, holding a gold box.
AL) Peg, you know Bud's horrible, perverted affair with Gary that you caused?
PEGGY) Yeah. I feel so guilty. Like I should be on Court TV with a blue dot on my face.
AL) And yet in the bedroom you complain about the paper bag.
He sits on the couch next to Peg.
AL) Anyway, Peg, don't worry about it, because it's turned out to be the best thing that
ever happened to us.
PEGGY) What are you talking about?
AL) I'm talking 'bout a break room, Peg. At work! With massage tables and a fridge full
of beer. As long as Bud keeps Gary happy, I'm happy. And as long as I'm happy...
PEGGY) Yeah, well, what about me?
AL) Don't be selfish, Peg.
PEGGY) What about Bud's welfare? Isn't this a unhealthy relationship for our son?
AL) Look what else Gary put in our break room. [opens the box] Belgian bonbons.
Peg gingerly takes one out of the box.
PEGGY) Well, you know, I always liked that Gary.
She sniffs the bonbon happily.
Al, Peg and Kelly are getting prepared for dinner. They are setting the table.
Peggy runs over to it with paper plates.
PEGGY) Oh look, Al. I'm using the good China. With the dividers!
AL) Good idea, Peg, Gary's a millionaire, she's used to classy things. Now if this
relationship continues, we'll be eating off paper plates and just throwing them
Kelly comes to the table with a handful of plastic utensils.
KELLY) Hey, which side does the salad spork go on again?
PEGGY) On the left. Who raised you?
KELLY) No one. Hey, how come you guys don't put out the good plastic for my boyfriends?
AL) Because your boyfriends don't use utensils.
Kelly drops the sporks and starts to walk away.
KELLY) I'm so sick of this. Y'know, I'm the oldest but Bud's always been your favorite.
Just 'cause he walked first and he talked first and he can name all 20 states.
AL) I'll tell you, I'll tell you what else Bud did first. He found himself a Sugar Daddy,
something we thought you would do, young lady.
PEGGY) Face it, Kelly, Bud beat ya. The dark horse came in first.
KELLY) Oh, now you got Bud a horse?
KELLY) Come on. I'm the one who always a horsie, Dad!
AL) Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, concentrate...
AL) If you help us tonight, maybe Gary will buy you a horsie.
KELLY) Oh no. If she's that rich... I want a unicorn.
Kelly becomes happy again.
Bud comes out of the basement dressed in a suit.
PEGGY) Ooh, somebody call heaven, there's an angel missing!
KELLY) Wow, very, very nice, Bud. Is this Baby Armani?
Kelly checks the label on his suit jacket as Bud nods sadly.
PEGGY) Doesn't he look great, Al? You know you remind me of a very handsome young man who
was once madly in love with me.
KELLY) You mean Daddy?
PEGGY) Honey, I said "handsome".
AL) And "in love with" her.
BUD) I appreciate all the trouble you went to, but I'm not sure I feel right about Gary
AL) What? What are you talking about, Bud?? But you and Gary are perfect for each other.
BUD) She's getting more and more possessive. We don't even talk anymore. I feel as all I
am to her is a piece of meat.
Bud sits on the couch.
KELLY) My area, let me handle this.
Al puts a finger on top of his head like a unicorn, to Kelly. Kelly gives him a thumbs up
knowingly. Kelly sits down on the couch next to Bud and puts her arm around him.
KELLY) So, you're feeling like a cheap sex toy, huh?
BUD) Yeah, it's demeaning. How do you handle it, Kel?
KELLY) Well, I just accept it. I mean fish, they gotta swim, the bird's gotta fly. Cookie
Monster's gotta eat whatever the hell he eats, you know what I mean?
BUD) No. [To Al] Dad, how am I supposed to stay with somebody who doesn't respect me?
Peg is standing next to Al with her arm linked in his.
PEGGY) Honey, if marriage was based on respect, your father and I would've never gotten
AL) That's right, Pookie.
BUD) Ah, excuse me, but who said anything about marriage?
AL) Well, Bud, you love Gary.
BUD) No I don't, dad!
PEGGY) Don't talk back to your father!
AL) And love and marriage go together like... Peg, what do love and marriage go
PEGGY) How the hell should I know?
BUD) If you two are so happily married, let see you kiss.
Al and Peg look at each other apprehensively.
AL) Well, sure, you could do that... But I think years of love and commitment can
best be represented by a hearty hand shake.
Al and Peg shake hands.
BUD) I said a kiss. That means lips.
Al and Peg look at each other. Peg purses her lips and Al edges closer and closer with
KELLY) Oh, come on, Daddy, you can do it, just... just close your eyes.
Peg gives Kelly a look and purses her lips again. Al almost kisses her, but cringes and
The doorbell rings.
AL) [barely able to speak] Bud, Bud, don't blow this for me!
Bud opens the door to Gary, who is also dressed up.
GARY) Piglet, I have been paging you for over an hour, why didn't you call me back?
BUD) Well, I turned off the beeper.
Al, Peg and Kelly all gasp.
PEGGY) How dare you!
AL) Bud, you're grounded!
GARY) [in a sickly, mushy voice] What is it, Piglet?
Gary straightens his tie but Bud stops her.
BUD) Ah, you know, we've have some great times together and I appreciate everything you've
done for me and [quietly] to me... But I think we should just be friends.
AL) Do not listen to him!
GARY) Wait a minute. You're dumping me? Without me you will spend the rest of your life in
this hell hole. [To the other Bundys] No offence.
PEGGY) Oh, none taken. Shall we have dinner?
BUD) Listen, I can get of this hell hole on my own. I don't need to be anybody's boy
toy. I'm gonna make it on brains and talent.
AL) Ah, Peg, we're never going to get rid of him now!
BUD) Go ahead - scoff! At least I've got my dignity.
Bud takes off his jacket to reveal him wearing only the dickie part of the shirt that is
visible under the done-up suit. He tries to cover up and runs to his room.
GARY) Well, Bundy, I guess you know what this means.
AL) Generic beer in the break room fridge?
GARY) Guess again.
AL) Less attractive masseuses?
GARY) Try no beer, no massages, in fact, no break room. And, I'm installing a pay toilet!
She hands Al Bud's jacket and storms out.
Al, Peg and Kelly are all downcast.
KELLY) Can't believe I'm not going to get my unicorn.
PEGGY) I can't believe I polished sporks for her.
AL) I can't believe I almost kissed ya.
Peg grabs Bud's jacket out of Al's hand and goes to hang it up.
Kelly looks smugly at Al.
KELLY) This means that Bud's not the favourite now, huh?
AL) [angrily] Damn right!
KELLY) So, that means that I'm the favourite now, huh?
AL) Sure, why not?
Kelly is happy again.
Peg has found something in Bud's jacket pocket.
PEGGY) Look, Gary's Gold Card.
AL) [taking the card] Hey, forget the fried chicken. Tonight it's fried lobster!
The three of them leave happily, pausing at the door.
PEGGY) Oh, wait a second, shouldn't we wait for Bud?
AL) What does he need lobster for? He's got dignity!
They laugh and exit.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: PAMELA EELLS
DIRECTED BY: SAM W. ORENDER
WRITTEN BY : VALERIE AHERN & CHRISTIAN McLAUGHLIN
CREATED BY : RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
CO PRODUCER: MICHAEL GREENSPON
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON
CREATIVE CONSULTANTS: ALAN EISENSTOCK & LARRY MINTZ
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITORS: STEVE FABER & BOB FISHER
STORY EDITORS: VALERIE AHERN & CHRISTIAN McLAUGHLIN
STORY EDITORS: ERIC ABRAMS & MATTHEW BERRY
CASTING BY: RICK MILLIKAN C.S.A.
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: NANCY COHEN
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY; STEPHANIE SCOTT & BOB CHIC
MUSIC: JONATHAN WOLFF
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTORS: HEATHER ROSS & ALEX FULLER
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS & LEE GRAY
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWEN
PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR: CARSON G. SMITH
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: DAN KULETO
AUDIO: J. MARK KING; ROBIN STRICKLAND; SCOTT GLICKMAN & ALAN ZEMA
CAMERAS: STEVE CASALY; BETTINA LEVESQUE; JIM LUNSFORD & DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN & JOHN BICKLEHURST
PRODUCTION STAFF: PETER ALEXANDER; NINA BERRY; ZUZANA CERNIK; CYNDI
HOGLE; CHRISTY LATUSEK & BRANDON WAINWRIGHT
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQYURES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKEUP: KATHY ROGERS
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1996
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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