KELLY'S GOTTA HABIT
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Dan Tullis, Jr..........Officer Dan
Peter Kerr..............Cab Driver
Te Mark Flack...........Real Cop
Gerry Lock..............Old Lady
Lewis Dauber............Sketch Artist
Bert L. Cook............Cab Driver #2
Al and Jefferson are watching "COPS" on TV. The COPS theme ("Bad Boys") plays.
AL Man, I love COPS.
JEFRSN Yep, definitely the best show on FOX.
AL Yeah, like that's saying much. The American Justice system at work. Beating the crap out
of people before judges let 'em go. Almost makes me wanna pay taxes.
JEFRSN Or vote.
AL You know, I could've been a great cop. Well, with my cat-like reflexes and keen senses.
I've got eyes in the back of my head, you know.
Behind them, Peggy is tied up in a chair, with a gag on, as a burglar takes things from the house.
Peggy makes noise to get Al's attention. Neither Al nor Jefferson turn around.
AL Peg... Peg! Could you keep it down? We're trying to watch TV here.
The burglar leaves with his loot.
The "Married with Children" theme is heard on TV.
JEFRSN Do you believe that show is still on the air?
AL It's a classic, I love it. Except for the stupid neighbors.
A film set. Kelly is dressed in a nun's habit and is making a commercial for an olive oil.
KELLY So use Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil. It's 100% pure. Like me.
Bud and Sister Claire stand sidestage watching.
SISTER Not pure enough. NEXT!
BUD Are you kidding? Kelly is the perfect spokes model for your olive oil. No one is more
KELLY Hey, time out, boys. My thong is riding up.
BUD [to Sister Claire] It's a chastity thong.
SISTER Young man, this a national advertising campaign. Our spokesperson has to be as pure as
the oil itself.
Kelly is sitting on the lap of a handsome male actor. Bud diverts Sister Claire's attention so
she doesn't see them.
BUD Sister. I hate to play hard ball with you, but...
SISTER Sonny, I spend everyday wrestling with Beelzebub, I think I could take your best shot.
BUD Well, Kelly's got a firm offer from the Jehovah Witnesses to be their new Watchtower
girl. What's it gonna be?
SISTER Sold! I love putting the screws to those jerks.
Bud holds out his hand and she shakes it. Sister Claire then gives Bud a paper.
SISTER But she will have to sign this morals clause. And remember, I will be watching! And so
[points up] will He.
Sister Claire walks off. Kelly joins Bud.
KELLY Hey, so did you get me the job?
BUD Is the Pope Catholic?
KELLY How should I know? Hello? I'm not really a nun!
BUD No, but you play one on TV. You got the job.
KELLY [excitedly] Ohmigod ohmigod! I'm gonna be rich! Yay me! Haha.
BUD But, unlike your bra, there's a catch. [shows Kelly the paper] See, you have to sign
this morals clause. You have to be chaste.
KELLY Well, do I get a head start?
BUD Kelly, to get a head start, you have to have a head. No, my point is, until the Sister
moves back to the convent, you have to act like you're not interested in men.
KELLY Hmmm, this is going to be my most challenging role yet. Except of course when I played
Dino in "Flintstones in the Park".
BUD Oh yeah, big stretch. Yeah, you jumping a guy and licking his face as soon as he walks
through the door?
KELLY Excuse me, but I had to play a hyperactive dinosaur. And that bitch Pebbles kept trying
to upstage me.
BUD Kelly, could you please try and concentrate, if you can do this, we could make twenty
KELLY Who needs men?
The handsome actor walks by.
KELLY Well, except for this one over here...
Kelly grabs his butt.
KELLY What, you expect me to just quit cold turkey? I think I'm gonna need a patch or something.
Al is sitting on the couch, distressed. Officer Dan is next to him, noting Al's report.
DAN So let me get this straight. You were sitting not more than four feet away while a
criminal bound and gagged your wife?
AL I feel terrible about it! He took my lucky bowling shirt!
DAN The one you've never washed? You sure it didn't just walk off on its own?
At the kitchen table, Peggy is describing the criminal to a sketch artist.
PEGGY No, I think the shoulders were a little broader, the jaw was a little more chiselled...
and, and there was a dimple. There. That's him!
The artist holds up the sketch.
ARTIST So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're
PEGGY Well, he's who I'm looking for.
Officer Dan is on his way out.
DAN Okay, for your insurance report we've got you down for a bowling shirt, a Mazarati and a
AL Make that two Picassos; write one down for yourself.
DAN Thanks, buddy.
AL Hey, and uh, speaking of objects de arte, I'll uh, see you at the Jiggly Room on Saturday.
DAN I can't go. I'm on duty.
AL [getting up quickly] What do you mean you can't go?? If you're not there we can't do the
DAN I know, but that stupid show "COPS" is following me around.
AL COPS? You're gonna be on COPS?? It's my life's dream to be on COPS!
DAN But Al, I work alone. You lose three partners in one week and suddenly no one wants to
ride with you.
AL Hey, Dan... does the Captain know you rent out the patrol car from prom dates?
DAN Pick you up at eight.
Officer Dan leaves. Al resumes his place on the couch.
ARTIST How did you develop such a rich fantasy life?
Peggy looks at Al, who is squeezing his stomach around his belly button area.
PEGGY How d'ya think?
Kelly, Bud and Sister Claire are sitting on the Bundy couch. Kelly is dressed is a demure plaid
dress, with her hair tied back.
KELLY Gee, thanks for such a fun evening, Sister. I never knew Apostle Bingo could be so
SISTER Well, tomorrow we'll be playing the Mother Superior's favourite game.
KELLY [quietly] What, spin the candlestick?
SISTER No. Messiah Mystery Date. Will he be a dud, or will he rise again!
BUD Come on, Sister, I'll drive you back to your hotel. If you're not home by midnight, you
might just turn into a prodisent.
SISTER Oh, that would never happen. I am a Bride of Christ.
KELLY Wow, that must've been a fancy wedding.
SISTER [to Bud] She's not the brightest bead on the rosary, is she?
Bud looks at Kelly, then escorts the Sister out.
KELLY Oh, God. Thank God.
Kelly whips off the dress so she is in her usual attire of top and short skirt. She lets her hair
down too. Peggy comes downstairs.
PEGGY Oh hi, sweetie.
KELLY Hi, Mom.
PEGGY Hey, is something wrong?
Kelly shakes her head sadly.
PEGGY You wanna talk about it?
Kelly nods sadly. Peggy takes her hand and leads her to the table.
PEGGY Oh, come on. Let's have a little Mother-Daughter moment. Just like they do on TV.
KELLY Thanks, Mom. Well, it's really personal and it's kind of embarrassing.
PEGGY [excitedly] Oh, honey! You got your period!
KELLY Mom, I'm 25.
PEGGY Well, don't be ashamed. Every woman develops differently. You're just a late bloomer.
KELLY Mom, it's not my period.
PEGGY Well, don't worry. It'll come. I'm glad we had this talk.
Peggy gets up and walks off, but Kelly walks after her.
KELLY No no no, Mom, wait. That's not it.
PEGGY Well, now don't tell me you're pregnant. I mean, what would the neighbors think? Me, a
grandma at thirty-five. [scoffs]
KELLY Mars to Mom, I am not pregnant.
Peggy sits Kelly on the couch with her.
PEGGY Well, honey, then what is it? Bulimia? [Kelly shakes her head] Anorexia? [Kelly shakes
her head again] You found out about Santa Claus?
KELLY What about Santa?
PEGGY Oh, nothing.
KELLY Okay. It's about not having sex.
PEGGY Oh my God, you got married!!
KELLY No, Mom! It's just that I'm having a really hard time with that morals clause I told you
about. I miss boys.
PEGGY Well, you know what Grandma Wanker always said.
KELLY "Pass the gravy"?
KELLY "You gonna eat that skin"?
PEGGY No. But actually, what she's talking about is... [retrieves a box of bonbons from behind
a sofa cushion] chocolate. That's right, whenever you feel the urge, just take two of
these and call QVC in the morning.
KELLY Thanks, Mom, but I think it's gonna be a long time before I become that desperate.
Kelly and Peggy are still on the couch, but now are both seesawing their legs and Kelly is eating
bonbons. There are several other empty bonbon boxes lying around them.
KELLY Mmmmm. These bonbons are great. But you know, I can't get my leg to stop twitching.
PEGGY Oh, you get used to that.
Officer Dan bursts through the front door and aims his gun at Peggy and Kelly.
DAN Freeze, bitches!
Peggy and Kelly stop twitching their legs in shock. Kelly puts her hands up.
KELLY I haven't thought about men once, I swear!
DAN Damn! I always get this place confused with the crack house.
Al comes downstairs, wearing a police uniform and singing "Bad Boys".
AL Bad boys, bad boys, whatchya gonna do? Whatchya gonna do when they come for you? Bad
PEGGY [turned on] Ooh, baby. Is that a nightstick or you just happy to see me?
AL That's a nightstick, Peg, and I'm not afraid to use it.
DAN Al, I thought we agreed you weren't going to carry a gun.
AL Well, don't worry, I know how to handle this thing.
Al taps the gun (in its holster) with his hand and it fires. His police hat falls off.
PEGGY That's what he said on our honeymoon.
Al puts his hat back on.
AL Let's ride.
Al, hobbling, follows Officer Dan out.
Al and Officer Dan are in the patrol car.
AL This is great! [picks up the radio] Car 54, where are you?
DAN Al, we're car 54.
Mike, the cameraman, approaches them.
MIKE Hi. I'm Mike from COPS. It's nice to meet you. Just act natural; pretend I'm not here.
Mike turns on his camera and Al looks into it, stunned.
MIKE So, uh, why did you become a cop?
AL Uhh, it's in - it's in the blood. Ehh, my pop was a cop. Top cop just like his pop,
Grandpop. Both top cops. [to Officer Dan] Make me stop.
DAN As a cop, you're a flop.
Mike gets in the car with them.
MIKE [to Officer Dan] So, uh, when does your partner get shot in the head?
DAN In about thirty seconds. Now, just like all good cops, we start every shift with an
AL First we check to see if the safety's on.
Al fires the rifle that's standing up between him and Officer Dan.
AL It's not.
A dead bird falls onto the car's bonnet.
AL Sometimes we have to make an example.
DAN To who? The remaining two spotted owls in this hemisphere?
AL It's kill or be killed! Let's ride.
Back at the Bundy house, Kelly is busy working on a pottery wheel. Bud enters from his room.
BUD Hey, Kel. How's it going?
KELLY Oh, it's going great. I haven't thought about men once.
Bud looks at the various things Kelly has made - The Eiffel Tower, The Leaning Tower of Pisa, The
Washington Monument - all phallic structures.
KELLY You know, Mom was a big help. She said that all I have to do was just channel my
frustrations into arts and crafts.
PEGGY [o.s.] Finished!
We see Peggy by a painting she's done: a worried stick figure with a shoe head being stabbed by a
woman's hand holding a screwdriver.
PEGGY I call it "Death of a Shoe Salesman".
BUD You're doing great, Kel. I really am proud of you.
KELLY Thanks, Bud. [looks at him] Hey... you been working out?
Bud backs away slowly.
Someone knocks on the door.
BUD Thank God.
Bud answers it to Sister Claire.
BUD Sister Claire? I just dropped you off at the hotel, what are you doing here?
SISTER I was sitting in my hotel room when I had a haunting vision of sin.
BUD Shouldn't have bought a Pay-Per-View.
SISTER [coming in] I mean, I thought there might be sinning going on here.
BUD Oh, what could make you think such a thing?
Sister Claire notices Kelly's pottery.
SISTER Ohhh, we make these by the thousands at the convent. May I?
KELLY Oh, of course.
SISTER The Pope has one of my Space Needles.
Kelly lets Sister Claire sit at the pottery wheel.
A really hot hunk appears at the door and knocks.
CABBIE Excuse me, Sister, the meter's running. Do you want me to go or stay?
Kelly walks over to him.
KELLY Hi, I'm Kelly.
CABBIE And I'm off duty.
BUD Kelly, please, this commercial could mean national exposure!
KELLY Oh, this is all the exposure I want.
Kelly rips open the cab driver's shirt.
KELLY Oh, my God!
Kelly throws herself onto him.
SISTER [looking at her pottery] Look, I made Stone Henge!
Bud tries to break up Kelly and the cab driver before the Sister sees.
SISTER [praying] Dear Lord, I thank thee for my talents, which are considerable...
Bud jump onto the cab driver's back and tries to break him and Kelly apart.
SISTER And Lord... bless these good decent Bundys. Lead them not into temptation and deliver
them from evil. Amen.
Bud, the cabbie and Kelly all fall onto the couch.
BUD No, Sister, this isn't, this isn't what you think!
KELLY Hey, Bud, gets your hands off of him, I saw him first!!
SISTER Lady, you are fired!
Kelly gasps. Sister Claire walks out.
BUD Wait, Sister! Sister! She's not my only client. [to the cabbie] Can you act? And will
you wear a dress?
CABBIE No, and yes.
Al, Officer Dan and Mike are driving, bored.
AL Man, I've seen more action in the shoe store. [quickly] Not that I, not that I work
there! No, I'm a cop and a damn good one.
RADIO Attention patrol car 54, there is a 633 in progress.
Mike turns his camera back on.
AL [into radio] We're on it. [into camera] Floor it, Danno! Hey, hey... let's be careful
out there. [grins]
An elderly lady is standing in her front yard, calling for help.
Al runs up to her, followed by Officer Dan, who is gasping for breath.
AL Madam, what seems to be the problem?
LADY It's my Stanley. He's going to jump!
AL [into the camera] We've got a jumper. Everybody stay calm!! [to the lady] Is your
LADY I'll say, he's dead.
AL We've got a dead man up a tree!
LADY No, Stanley's my cat.
AL A-A cat? I became a cop to rescue cats...
Al reaches up to get the cat.
LADY Be careful, he's very high strung.
AL Ma'am, just step aside. Let me handle this.
Stanley, growling, then falls out of the tree and onto Al, knocking him to the ground. Al screams
as Stanley latches onto his crotch.
AL Officer Dan, call 911. Officer Dan!
LADY Stanley, stop playing with that, it's dirty. Who knows where it's been?
She tries to pry Stanley away from Al's crotch.
AL Don't pull! Don't pull!
Al and Mike are watching Officer Dan eat from a box of donuts.
MIKE Man, how many donuts can your partner eat?
AL I think he's near his record. You can tell because the buttons on his shirt are just
about to pop. You might wanna take cover.
Al and Mike lean away as three 'pop' sounds are heard.
AL Man, talk about the ugly underbelly of society.
MIKE [turning off his camera] Alright, that's it. I'm outta here. I haven't been on a shoot
this lame since "COPS in Amish County".
AL You mean I'm not going to be on COPS??
RADIO Any available unit: burglary in progress at 9766 Jeopardy Lane.
AL Hey, that's my neighbor. That must be that punk who stole my bowling shirt.
Mike and Al get into the car.
MIKE W-w-w-w-w-wait a sec. Aren't you gonna wait for your partner?
AL If you were in trouble would you want me to wait for my partner?
MIKE You specifically? Yeah.
AL Strap yourself in, camera boy. We're going for a ride!
Al drives off quickly, as Officer Dan looks on, shrugs and continues eating his donuts.
Al, gun in hand, arrives at the D'Arcy's front door. He goofily gestures the camera to follow
him. He breaks down their front door and somersaults inside. The cuckoo clock chimes, so Al
shoots it. Al tumbles backwards over the sofa as the phone rings. Al shoots it. The answering
machine kicks in.
MACHINE Hi, this is Jefferson.
Al shoots the machine once.
MACHINE And Marcy.
Al shoots the machine multiple times.
MARCY [o.s.] Officer! Officer!
Marcy and Jefferson come down in their nightclothes. Their wrists are tied together and cream is
spread on Jefferson's naked torso and both his and Marcy's mouths. They see Al's gun.
JEFFRSN Don't shoot!
MARCY We just saw the burglar run next door.
Al unties their hands.
MIKE You mean he tied you up and smeared you with marshmallow fluff? Oh, that is sick.
MARCY [guiltily to the camera] Yeah.
JEFFRSN [guiltily to the camera] Pervert.
MARCY Al, is that you? Why are you dressed as a...
Al quickly gives Marcy a shot of his stun gun. She falls to the floor.
AL She was hysterical. Clearly needed to be subdued.
MIKE Yeah, whatever you say, chief. But this is gonna look great on COPS.
JEFFRSN Wait a minute. You mean, I'm gonna be on TV all covered in fluff?
Jefferson grabs the stun gun and stuns himself.
AL Our work here is done. Let's go get that punk!
Al runs out heroically.
Back in the Bundy house, there is a party going on. There is a group of people including other
cab drivers in the house. Music plays. Kelly, standing on the stairs with the topless cab driver
sitting on the stairs, is dressed as a sexy nun. Sister Claire sits at the kitchen table with Bud.
KELLY Hey! Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil now available virgin-free. [Kelly pours the oil on the
cabbie's chest] Take some home tonight.
SISTER This is Sodom and Gomorrah. And I am not hiring anymore of your harlot clients.
Sister Claire tears up a couple of the photos Bud has on the table.
BUD Hey! Tina Yothers is not a harlot. She... she was the best thing on "Family Ties".
SISTER I preferred Skippy! [gets up and approaches a cabbie on the couch] Young man, I insist
you take me back to my hotel.
CAB #2 Thanks, but uh... you're not my type.
Al has caught the criminal (who's wearing a bowling shirt) and ushers him into the living room.
Mike follows them and films everything.
AL Got you, you dirtbag! [he tackles him to the floor and bashes his head in rhythm to his
words] Give - me - back - my - bowling - shirt! [looks to the camera] Mike, you getting
this? This is my good side...
Mike pans the camera up to see Sister Claire, with Kelly dancing behind her.
MIKE Are you kidding? Nuns in an orgy? Do you have any idea what Hard Copy will pay for this?
Marcy bursts in (her hair standing on end) with a real policeman.
MARCY There he is, Officer. Arrest him!
AL Yeah, book him.
MARCY No, [points to the burglar] Not him. [points to Al] Him! He destroyed my home, he shot
my cuckoo. He's not even a real cop.
BUD Or a real father.
CABBIE Not much of a host.
MIKE Very photogenic.
AL Doesn't it mean anything that I apprehended this vicious criminal?
COP Yeah, it means you're going away for impersonating an Officer!
The policeman drags both the burglar and Al away. Marcy cackles, delighted.
MARCY I hope you fry.
AL Back at ya.
Al stuns Marcy with his stun gun again.
Sister Claire starts out.
SISTER Officer! Can I have a ride?
BUD [stopping her] Wait, wait, Sister... I just thought of the most brilliant idea. I have
the perfect client for your olive oil.
SISTER That's what you said before.
BUD No, no, but this time I'm telling you the truth. I mean, she's beautiful, her schedule
is open and I promise you complete and total abstinence.
Peggy is the new Spokesnun.
PEGGY So, use Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil. It's one hundred percent pure. Like me.
SISTER I can't believe it. You were right. She is perfect!
BUD So the deal's still on?
They shakes hands.
The handsome male actor walks by and Peggy pinches his butt.
Tina Yothers is talking to Bud.
TINA What kind of agent are you? That commercial was perfect for me and you sent in your
BUD Tina, baby, I got bigger plans for you.
TINA Right, like that last great job you got me? Playing Pebbles in "Flintstones In The
BUD You said you wanted to return to the stage.
TINA That was a lame gig. It rained all week and that bitch Dino kept trying to upstage me.
I've had it with you. You're fired.
Bud follows Tina out.
BUD Tina, I thought you were happy with me?
TINA Bud, I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard this. I faked it.
Tina leaves. Bud looks heartbroken.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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