THE JOKE'S ON AL
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Deborah Harmon..........June Morgan
Tim Conway..............Ephraim Wanker
Dan Tullis, Jr..........Officer Dan
E.E. Bell...............Bob Rooney
Mark Sellers............Male Detective
G. Jordan Moore.........Female Detective
Bert L. Cook............Executioner
Al is at a lectern, holding a NO MA'AM meeting in the Bundy living room. He quietens the other No
Ma'amers with his gavel.
AL I now call this meeting of NO MA'AM to order. In honor of Brother Griff's one year
anniversary as a member of NO MA'AM, we must now think of a practical joke to play on
IKE I don't remember anybody pulling a practical joke on me.
JEFRSN Remember on the expressway when your brakes failed and you almost died?
BOB That was us.
They all burst out laughing.
AL Alright, gentlemen, gentlemen. Brother Dan, it was your job to keep Brother Griff away
from tonight's meeting.
IKE I don't remember anybody keeping me away from any meeting.
JEFRSN Remember when Dan accidentally shot you in the back, and... you were hospitalized for
BOB That was us.
They all laugh uproariously.
IKE Good one, guys! [to Dan] So, what did you do to Griff?
DAN Oh, I just had him arrested.
IKE Oh, what's the charge?
DAN Indecent exposure, murder, cannibalism.
They all laugh. Al bangs his gavel.
AL Great work, Brother Dan. And that'll give us a lot of time to think of a great joke to
play on him. Now, I think it's only fitting that the joke come from me, since I am the
king of practical jokes!
JEFRSN No, I'm the king.
AL Wearing a quilted robe and sitting on a throne all day doesn't make you a king. I say we
have ten pizzas sent to Brother Griff's apartment.
IKE [in wonder] How does he do it?
JEFRSN [standing] I say that we hire a cross-dresser to pick up Griff and seduce him while we
get it on tape.
Ike, Bob Rooney and Officer Dan like Jefferson's idea.
AL That doesn't compare to pizzas. All those who are in favor of my practical joke?
JEFRSN All those in favor of mine?
Jefferson and Bob Rooney high-five.
JEFRSN Well, Al, I guess it's obvious where we go from here.
AL Yes it is. You all get the hell out of my house, meeting is adjourned! [bangs his gavel]
The guys get up to leave.
DAN Sore loser. Oh well, I guess I better go spring Griff from jail.
BOB Well, it's Donut Night at the nudie bar.
IKE Every hooter is either glazed or jelly-filled.
DAN Griff can wait.
Ike, Dan and Bob Rooney leave, laughing.
AL I was robbed. My pizza joke was better.
JEFRSN Yeah, yeah, you're right, Al. You da man. Let's shake on it.
Jefferson and Al shake hands, but Al is electrocuted because Jefferson is wearing a joy buzzer.
JEFRSN I gotcha!
AL Ah, you got me, buddy. You're right, you are the king of practical jokes. Nuts?
Al offers Jefferson a can of nuts.
JEFRSN Oh, thanks.
Jefferson opens it, but it's a trick can. Al laughs.
AL I gotcha!
JEFRSN Okay. Okay, Al, I challenge you to a duel. May the best joker win.
Jefferson offers his hand to shake. Al quickly looks at it, then grabs it and leans in closer.
AL Let's rock.
Kelly is watching the news on TV.
TV This news bulletin just in: the Chicago Cannibal has been arraigned for over one hundred
murders. The cannibal, shown in this picture [we see a picture of Griff looking very
surprised] says he's innocent, claiming there is no evidence. The D.A. responded by
saying "evidence schmevidence".
Kelly turns off the TV in shock. Bud comes out of his room.
KELLY Hey Bud, guess who's been arrested for eating people?
BUD Who, Tommy LaSorda? Listen, Kelly, can you please explain to me the outgoing message on
our new answering machine?
Bud plays the message.
KELLY [on answering machine] Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. If
you're a girl calling for Bud, hi Mom! [the machine bleeps]
BUD [running over to Kelly] That's not very funny to me anymore...
Kelly hits Bud in the head with a cushion.
Al, laughing, comes down the stairs.
AL I just had ten pizzas sent to Jefferson's house. Tee hee! I am the king of practical
The doorbell rings. Al answers it to Gary Coleman, who has a large novelty cheque under his arm.
KELLY Oh my God... it's Webster!
Bud and Kelly run over to him, screaming "Webster!" in excitement.
GARY I don't think so. Al Bundy, I was sent here from Publisher Sweepstakes and you've just
won [showing him the cheque] ten million dollars!
The Bundys jump for joy.
AL Oh, oh, and your mother's not here to share our joy. Could life be any better?
They all jump around happily again.
Jefferson enters, eating a slice of pizza.
JEFRSN Hey, what's going on?
AL Urkel here just gave me ten million bucks!
JEFRSN Wow, congratulations. What are you gonna do with all the money?
AL I'm gonna quit my job, burn down this house and live out my days on Hooter Island!
JEFRSN Well, on an occasion like this there's only one thing to say. Gotcha!
Jefferson laughs evilly and leaves. Gary laughs along with him and follows Jefferson out.
Griff is in a jail cell. There are two cops (one male, one female) questioning him.
COP 1 Alright, cannibal. We know you ate those people. Now confess!
GRIFF I haven't eaten anyone!
As Griff takes a step forward, the cops take a step back.
GRIFF I don't even like ribs. Look, call my ex-wife.
COP 2 We did. She said she once caught you pouring chocolate syrup on her best friend.
GRIFF That wasn't cannibalism, that was adultery. Look, let me call my friend Al. He'll prove
The male cop gestures for the female cop to make the call.
Kelly and Bud enter the house, in the middle of an argument.
BUD And will you please stop erasing the messages before I hear them, you human futon.
KELLY Bud, you didn't get any messages. Believe me. With my eagle ears, I listen very
carefully to each and every message before I erase them.
Kelly presses the button and a message from Griff comes through.
GRIFF [on a.m.] Al, it's Griff. You gotta help me. I'm in...
Kelly immediately erases the message.
KELLY Besides, Bud, your girlfriends can't call you here. You have to call them and it costs
three dollars and ninety-five cents a minute.
Bud starts chasing Kelly around the room. Al enters.
AL Kids! [he laughs] I just pulled the ultimate practical joke on Jefferson.
KELLY [giggling] What, you sent him twenty pizzas?
Al looks at Kelly oddly.
AL No, that'd be stupid; he's full. No, I put super-glue on his toilet seat.
BUD Oh, what kind of moron would fall for that old gag?
Jefferson opens the door and steps in awkwardly. He has his pants pulled up over the toilet seat
that is stuck to his butt.
JEFRSN Mark my words, Al, as soon as I can sit down to think of something - you will pay!
Jefferson turns around and tries to exit quickly. Al, Bud and Kelly point and laugh at his rear
Bud and Kelly are at the phone again.
BUD Damn it, Kelly, today I know I had a message because... [sadly] because I called myself.
KELLY Well then, [patting his hand] you already have a date for tonight.
Bud goes for Kelly, but she stops him by putting her hand on his head and holding him away.
AL Ah, home sweet hell. Kids a-fightin'... [he sees Lucky on the floor, chewing] Dog's
Al glances into the kitchen to see June Morgan inhaling the aroma of a dish she's prepared.
AL ...And a good lookin' babe in the kitchen cooking me dinner.
Al sits down, puts his hand in his pants, then looks back to the kitchen with realization.
AL A woman cooking me dinner?? Kids!
KELLY [letting go of Bud] What?
Bud drops to the floor. Al points to the kitchen.
KELLY Oh, she said she's an old friend of Mom's.
AL Well, what the hell did you let her in for?
June brings Al his platter of food.
JUNE Al, I'm June Morgan. I ran into Peggy in Barcelona, and she told me you were all alone
in Chicago. So, I thought I would come by [she puts a bib on Al] and fix you a gourmet
June holds up a bowl.
AL Ooh, weenie tots!
Al takes a weenie tot. Bud and Kelly then take the weenie tots away from Al.
JUNE You know, Al, looking around I can see several things that could use a woman's touch, if
you know what I mean.
AL Well, with viddles as classy as these, you can stick around and touch anything you want.
JUNE Okay, I will.
June takes her bag upstairs. Kelly and Bud hurry and sit on either side of Al.
KELLY Daddy! You can't let that woman spend the night here. What about Mom?
AL What about her?
BUD The body's not even cold yet.
AL You've obviously never slept with your mother. [Bud looks uneasy] Oh, come on, kids,
don't you get it? June's not a friend of your mom's, She's all part of Jefferson's
practical joke. You know, like Rerun and that phoney cheque.
BUD So you're gonna call Mr. D'Arcy and tell him you're on to his practical joke?
AL Nope. I'm gonna beat him at his own game.
KELLY What, you're gonna pretend to like Mrs. D'Arcy and take all her money?
AL No. I'm gonna let June seduce me. But first, we're gonna eat like royalty. [to Bud, who
has the weenie tots] Weenie Tots. Humma! Humma!
Griff, sad, is in his jail cell, alone. "Chain Gang" by Sam Cooke plays.
GRIFF I didn't eat nobody.
Kelly is watching another news report.
TV In local news, with the capture of the notorious Chicago Cannibal...
We see a picture of Griff in a straight jacket.
Al enters, with a video camera and a sex-pack of champagne.
KELLY Daddy, guess who's in prison?
AL Unless it's Pauly Shore I do not care. Bud! Get up here.
Bud enters. They sit on the couch.
AL Alright now. This is the plan. When June comes down here she's gonna try to seduce me.
You two will be outside videotaping.
KELLY What about, what about the walls, Dad? [points to the walls] 'Cause we can't shoot
Al rubs his temple.
AL Bud, you will be videotaping.
AL Now. Jefferson thinks that I will only go so far with June. At which point he will
declare victory and tell everyone that I'm not man enough to cheat on my wife. Instead
I will go on the attack, making June back up. AT which point I will declare victory and
proudly tell everyone that I am man enough to cheat on my wife. Haha! Now, let's go get
Bud and Kelly reluctantly follow Al outside.
KELLY Well, at least when I get married I get to change my name.
BUD Yeah, this time maybe you should try to change it to one you can spell.
Bud closes the back door behind them.
The phone rings. The answering machine kicks in just as June starts coming down stairs. She's
wearing a dressing gown. She listens to Peggy's message.
PEGGY [v.o.] Al, it's me, Peggy. Honey, I just ran into June Morgan, an old rival of mine
from Wanker County. She's held a grudge against me for years just because I stole her
fiancÚ on her wedding day.
LUCKY Uh oh. I've seen fifteen "Murder, She Wrote"'s that started like this.
PEGGY And get this, she swears she's going to get even by stealing you away from me.
Peggy laughs. June laughs also, but mockingly. June then erases Peggy's message.
Al comes back inside.
JUNE [looking around] Alsie?
Al comes back inside.
JUNE Can you believe it? I forgot to pack a dress!
AL Well, we all make mistakes. I forgot to ice down this six-pack of Champagne Tallboys.
June whips off her gown and remains in her nightdress. Al, looking at her, pours a can of
champagne into his cupped hand.
AL For you, my sweet.
Al realises he doesn't have a glass.
Outside, Bud is videotaping.
KELLY What's going on?
BUD Dad just poured a can of champagne into his hand.
KELLY Oh, I've made men do that.
Inside, Al sits on the couch and June caresses his shoulders.
JUNE Your arms are so strong.
AL Well, I sell women's shoes.
JUNE Yeah, I can tell.
AL Alright, I think we've had about enough foreplay.
June suddenly dives on top of Al, making out with him.
KELLY What's happening now?
BUD She's got Dad's entire face in her mouth.
KELLY Ewwwww. Oh. Oh.
Kelly looks as though she's about to vomit. Bud looks at her.
Inside, Al just manages to push June off him and sit up.
JUNE Oh. Take me, Al. Take me in the worst way.
AL That's the only way I know how!
June rips Al's shirt open.
AL June, June... we can't do this.
JUNE Why not?
June hugs him again. Al thinks.
AL [thinking] Yeah, why not? I can't let Jefferson win. He's hired someone so good I have
to think of something so horrible, so vile, so disgusting, she'll run screaming from the
house. I know...
Al pushes June off him again.
AL June! June... [he gets down on one knee] Marry me.
June is taken aback.
AL Aha! You can't do it, can you?
JUNE Uh, no. You're already married to Peggy.
AL Was married. Yeah, she got a, um, quickie Spanish divorce. That's why she's in Spain. So
what is your answer?
JUNE [happily] Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!
June hugs Al. Al looks very worried.
The wedding ceremony.
TV Today's trial of the Chicago Cannibal made history.
We see a new picture of Griff in a suit, looking very OJ-like.
TV In only eight minutes, he was tried, convicted and sentenced to die tonight.
Al comes out of the basement, dressed in a suit that is too short for him. The No Ma'am guys
gather around him.
AL Well, this is just great. Everybody's here but my best man. Where's Griff?
DAN Griff, Griff... wasn't there something I was supposed to do? Ah, hell with it. It's not
a matter of life and death.
The guys shrug.
The doorbell rings and Ike answers it to Gary Coleman, who is now dressed as a priest.
IKE Hey, Preacher Man, you made it!
BOB [amazed] Are we lucky or what? Isaac from the love boat is also an ordained minister!
GARY And look, Free Willy is also the Dork of Honor. [Ike laughs at Bob Rooney] Let's get
this freak show on the road.
AL Hey, Jefferson!
JEFRSN Hey, Al.
AL How come you're not dressed for the wedding?
JEFRSN What wedding?
AL Didn't your friend June tell you all about it? If that's her real name.
JEFRSN I don't know any June.
AL [chuckling] Of course you don't.
Al walks off.
JEFRSN Hey uh, Ike, who's getting married?
IKE Oh, you are good, you are real good.
The ceremony starts.
Bob Rooney, Officer Dan and Ike play The Wedding March on kazoos.
Kelly, the flower girl, and Bud, the ring bearer, come downstairs, dressed in ugly pastel-colored
outfits and looking none too pleased. A happy June follows them. They join Al in the living room.
As the kazoo men finish, Gary Coleman looks away in disbelief.
GARY We are gathered here today to join this... couple in holy matrimony. Yada yada yada
June, blah blah blah Al, blah blah sight of God.
KELLY [almost weeping] Oh! This is so beautiful! I want my first wedding to be just like it.
GARY June, do you take Al to be your lawfully wedded husband?
AL [thinking] Here it comes. She'll never say "I do".
JUNE I do.
AL [thinking, alarmed] She do?
GARY Al, do you take June to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Al looks uneasy. He glares at Jefferson.
AL What do you want me to say, Jefferson? Do you want me to say you're king? I won't say
it. I'm not gonna say it! Admit that this is your little joke!!
JEFRSN It's not.
Jefferson hears a car pulling up, and he goes to the door.
JEFRSN This is my joke.
Jefferson opens the door. Peggy stands outside.
PEGGY Hi, Al!!
Jefferson laughs. Al looks shocked and bewildered.
Kelly and Bud run over to their mother and hug her. They then resume their places in the
ceremony. Al steps in towards Gary.
AL I do.
GARY Who is this woman??
AL Ah, she's nobody. She's just my wife. [to Bud] Hurry up with the ring, Boy!
PEGGY What is going on here?
AL Oh, Peg. It-It all started with ten pizzas.
PEGGY Shut up, Al.
Al steps aside, and Peggy addresses June.
PEGGY June Morgan. How dare you?
JUNE Well, you stole my fiancÚ at the Wanker Weddin' Hole!
PEGGY Get over it, we were twelve.
Peggy lifts June's veil and punches her lights out.
Ephraim enters, with a lots of bags that have DUTY FREE stamped on them.
EPHRAIM Well, that's the last of the duty free doodie. [he puts the bags down] Well, I'm gonna
go hitch the winch up to Mama's girdle and twang her on outta here. [looks around the
room] What the hell's going on here?
AL It's Jefferson's fault, he told me I won ten million dollars.
JEFRSN Yeah, well you super-glued a toilet seat to my ass!
EPHRAIM What's a toilet seat?
PEGGY Al, didn't you get the message I left you on the answering machine?
EPHRAIM What's an answering machine?
BUD Oh no. Nobody seems to get the messages of that answering machine.
KELLY Oh, so this is all my fault then?
PEGGY Oh no, honey. Once again this is your father's fault. And you know what you're gonna
have to do to make this up to me, don't you, Al?
AL Oh no, Peg! Not upstairs!
PEGGY Oh no, honey. We're gonna do it standing up. Right here in front of everyone.
Al looks both confused and scared.
Al and Peggy are getting married again. Peggy is wearing June's veil.
GARY For the thirty-seventh time, Bundy, do you take this woman to be your wife?
AL For the thirty-seventh, eighth and ninth times - no, no, no.
PEGGY Come on, Al. It's not like we're really getting married. We're just renewing our vows.
Besides, Dad's got you covered.
Al looks back to Ephraim, who is holding a large rifle and pointing it at Al. He is also holding
AL Just like old times, eh, Ephraim?
EPHRAIM Only this time, the gun is loaded. [he drinks from his flask] And so am I. [reacting to
the drink] Guwah.
GARY Well Bundy?
AL I'm not saying it. The drunken old hillbilly's gonna have to kill me before I say it
PEGGY Say what?
AL "I do".
AL Nooo, Peg, that doesn't count!
PEGGY Oh, Al!
Peggy kisses Al's cheek as he cringes.
Griff is in the electric chair. A masked executioner ties him up.
GRIFF Hey, I know what this is. This is a practical joke because I've been in No Ma'am one
whole year! Any minute now, you're gonna rip that hood off and say "gotcha!"
EXCTNR You bet I am.
The execution tightens Griff's belts and leaves. Griff looks worried.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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