TORCH SONG DUET
Ed O'Neill.................Al Bundy
Amanda Bearse..............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino.............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley...............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the dog..............Lucky
Himself....................Roy Jones, Jr.
Flint Guccione.............Richard Kline
Model #1...................Petra Verkaik
Model #2...................Victoria Fuller
Reporter #1................Burke Roberts
Reporter #2................Nikki Dunn
At the shoe store: Griff is sitting in one of the chairs and Al is standing in front
of him next to a black placard with two pictures, one of which is covered.
Al: Okay, Griff. In 1960 Cassius Clay won the olympic gold medal by defeating what
Griff is reading a copy of "Big'Uns".
Griff: Let's see... it's on the tip of her tongue - I mean, my tongue!
Al: Give me that!
He snatches the magazine from Griff, rolls it and puts it under his arm.
Al: He defeated this guy!
He reveals the other picture, which is of a man named Zbigniew Pietrzykowski.
Al: Come on, Griff! The winner of the Sports Radio contest [sits opposite Griff]
gets two tickets to the Summer Olympics in Atlanta. That's me and you, buddy.
Griff: I never knew you were such a big fan of the Olympics, Al.
Al: I'm not, but I'm a huge fan of leaving home.
Griff: You know all the answers. Why don't you call in?
Al: Because I was banned from the radio station for making one innocent comment.
Griff: What did you say?
Al: I simply said we can put a man on the moon, but we have yet to build an
attractive woman golfer.
Al shrugs. A young woman enters the store and starts looking at shoes.
Al: Okay. Who holds the world record for the longest standing broad jump?
Griff: Me, if she doesn't move...
He gets up and walks over to the woman.
Griff: I was wondering: if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against
She slaps him.
Griff: Are we near the airport, or is that the sound of my heart taking off?
She slaps him again.
Griff: What's your size?
She slaps him a third time and leaves.
Griff: Yeah, she wants me.
Meanwhile, Al is setting up a machine that's on one of the chairs. Griff sits near him.
Al: Okay, this baby is our ticket to Atlanta.
Griff: What the hell is this?
Al: I got this from a CIA surplus store. This bad boy blocks all phone calls to
the radio station except mine.
Griff searches for the station on the radio. The picture shifts to the radio studio,
where Calvin Farquar is sitting.
CF: I'm Calvin Farquar... and it's time for "Sports Radio 600" Olympic trivia contest.
Answer three questions correctly and you and a friend are off to Atlanta.
The picture shifts back to the shoe store.
Al: It's showtime, Griff.
He tries to give him the microphone.
Griff: You do it, Al. They can't hate you that much.
CF: [on radio:] This contest is open to everyone except Sports Radio employees and
Al turns a dial on the machine and the phone rings in the studio.
CF: You're mouthin' with Calvin. Who's this?
Griff clears his throat.
Griff: [on the phone] Griff.
CF: Griff my man, do you have a last name?
Griff: Um... X. Griff X.
CF: Are you Muslim, as in "Malcolm X"?
Griff: No, I'm - I'm divorced, as in "screwed over by the ex". [near tears:] She got
everything, you know.
CF: Keep your problems to yourself, man, this isn't "Frasier". Okay, first question:
who was named the outstanding boxer in the 1988 Olympics, despite being cheated
out the gold medal?
Al whispers the answer to Griff.
Griff: Roy Jones Junior?
Calvin Farquar rings a bell.
CF: Correct. Now name the first American city that hosted the Summer Olympics?
Al whispers the answer to Griff.
Griff: Saint Louis.
Calvin Farquar rings the bell twice.
CF: Correct again. Now Griff, you can quit now and keep the El Pollo Loco 12-piece
chicken dinner - [he looks at the plate next to him and the chicken bone in his
hand] I mean, 11-piece chicken dinner, or risk everything and go for the gold.
Griff: Do side dishes come with that chicken?
Al steps on his foot and he cries out.
Griff: I - I mean, we'll go for the gold.
CF: "We"? You are alone, aren't you, Griff? Al Bundy's not there, is he?
Griff: No! Absolutely not!
CF: Then name the only man in olympic history to win gold medal in both summer and
winter games, and name the events.
Al whispers to Griff part of the answer and tries desperately to remember the rest.
Griff: Uh, Eddie Eagan, boxing and, um... and... and...
CF: Was that Al Bundy?
Al puts his hand over his mouth.
Griff: No, that was me, Griff. When I get excited I sound Caucasian. You know, like -
like that guy from "Hanging with Mr. Cooper".
CF: Well, congratulations, Griff. [rings bell three times] You're going to Atlanta,
Al and Griff high-five happily.
Al and Griff are sitting at the shoe store, looking at a paper Griff's holding.
Al: We'll catch men's boxing, then Shaq and the Dream Team take on the
always impressive Kuwaiti five.
Griff: Sometimes it's fun to root for underdeveloped countries, Al.
Marcy comes in, followed by Jefferson.
Al: [to Griff] Speaking of underdeveloped...
Marcy: Hello Griff. [to Al:] Hello whiff. Listen, in preperation for your trip, I've
put together some brochures of sites to see and things to do while you're in
Atlanta. Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial [shows them a brochure], Peachtree
Plaza [shows them another brochure], and look: [shows them another brochure,
excitedly] the Jimmy Carter Peanut Museum!
Al takes the brochures from her.
Al: Thank you, Marcy, and we will put this to good use.
He puts the brochures under one of his chair's legs.
Al: Wobble's gone.
Marcy: And yet the weeble's still here. [to Jefferson:] Come on, Jefferson. I'm going
to "Victoria's Secret".
Jeff: [to Al and Griff] What in the world for?
Marcy stops, turns and gives him a look.
Jeff: Uh, I mean, I'll meet you there. Bye bye.
Marcy leaves. Jefferson shows them a big book he was hiding behind his back.
Jeff: All right. Look guys. [sits] Here's how to see the real sites in Atlanta: their
official, illustrated guide to the nudie bars.
He opens the book they look.
Al: The south shall rise again!
Griff: And so shall we.
Jeff: Well [gets up] Marcy's gonna be wondering what happened to me. Is "Victoria's
Secret" still down that way? [points to the left]
He exits and goes in the opposite direction. Al and Griff watch him leave.
They see Calvin coming to the store.
Griff: Hey Al, here comes that Sports Radio guy. You better hide.
Al: Not to worry. He only knows my voice [points to his face], not my face.
Calvin Farquar enters with a photographer.
CF: Excuse me, I'm Calvin Farquar, and are either of you Griff X?
Al points at Griff.
Griff: I'm Mr. X.
He gets up and shakes Calvin's hand.
CF: Nice to meet you.
Griff: You'll have to excuse my friend Al [Al kicks him and Griff adds quickly:] fredo!
Alfredo. He doesn't talk much.
He lost his tongue in the war. [he looks at Al] And a few other things, too.
Al punches him in the leg.
CF: Well, here. [he takes a paper out of his jacket pocket] If you'll just sign for
Griff: Sure! Now have a seat.
They sit down. Bud, Kelly and her boyfriend come in.
Kelly: [hugging her boyfriend] Hey Dad, can I go to Las Vegas with... with, um...
[to her boyfriend:] what's your name? Oh, doesn't matter. Can I go?
Al stares at them angrily. He opens his mouth to speak, but stops, noticing Calvin
looking at him.
Kelly: Oh, well thanks, Dad. We won't get married or anything stupid.
She laughs and they run outside. Al gives Bud a "what can I do?" look.
Bud: You're gonna let Kelly go to Vegas?
Al nods pointedly towards Calvin, forcing a smile.
Bud: You're not the Al Bun-
Al gets up, screaming, and pushes Bud into the back room.
He returns to his seat slowly while Calvin stares at him.
CF: Griff [gets up], the added bonus is that you get to carry the olympic torch
through the mall.
Griff: Well, that's [gets up] that's quite an honor, but, um...
Al gestures to him and points to himself.
Griff: I'd rather let my friend Alberto here carry it.
CF: You mean "Alfredo", don't you?
Griff: Uh, yeah... Alfredo Alberto. He's an Italian, um, exchange salesman.
CF: Well, you are the winner, and it's your choice. Can we take a picture for you?
The photographer takes a picture of Griff and Calvin.
CF: Thank you very much [shakes Griff's hand] and congratulations.
Griff: Thank you.
Calvin and the photographer leave. Al gets up and starts shaking Griff's hand.
Al: Griff, thanks to you, I will realize one of my life's dreams: to carry the
He raises his fist in the air.
Griff: I thought your life's dream was to feel up Barbara Eden.
Al: Well, yeah, but I did that.
Griff: Stroking the big screen at Sears doesn't count.
Al: The point is, carrying that torch for me will be like scoring my fifth touchdown!
He raises his hands in the air and kneels on his feet.
A girl named Marla enters, walks over to Griff and hugs him.
Marla: Griff, there is a rumor that's got me tingling all over. I hear you're carrying
the olympic torch.
Griff pulls her closer to him.
Griff: Yes I am.
She gasps excitedly. Al looks at them.
(previous scene continued)
Al walks over to Griff and Marla.
Al: Excuse me, oh Backstabber X.
He pulls Griff away from Marla by the sleeve.
Al: What do you mean, you're carrying the torch?
Griff: Al, look at her. What would you do?
Al looks at Marla.
Al: Girls like that, a dime a dozen.
Griff takes a dime out of his pocket and gives it to Al.
Griff: There's my dime - bring me a dozen.
Al puts the coin in his pocket.
Al: What about friendship?
Griff: What about my dime?
Al gives the coin back to Griff.
Griff: Al, look. We're still going to Atlanta. Besides, you know nobody gives a damn
about that stupid torch.
A group of reporters and photographers bursts in.
Rprtr1: [to Griff] Are you the guy carrying the olympic torch?
Griff: For God and country.
Al: I thought you said that nobody -
The group surrounds Griff and pushes him towards the wall, all asking questions.
Rprtr2: We'd like to take your picture, give you product endorsements and a free car.
Griff: Sure. But as long as I can share it all with my best friend. The person without
whom none of this would be possible.
Al walks over to Griff and puts his arm around Griff's shoulder.
Griff: [to Marla] Yo, Marla baby, they want to give us a car!
He breaks free from Al and walks over to her. Al looks after him with shock.
The Bundy living room.
Al and Kelly are sitting on the couch and Bud is standing behind them. Kelly is doing her
Al: If I kill Griff and get sentenced to life in prison, I'll be out in a couple of
weeks. But I'll miss Canola Night at the Jiggly Room. But they've gotta have the
equivalent in prison, so I guess it'll be worth it!
Bud: Uh Dad, I see you're still a little upset about this Griff thing.
He sits on the couch next to Al.
Al: Son, the TV is a thing. Your mother is a thing. But betrayal by your best friend
is high treason.
Kelly: Oh, come on Daddy, cheer up. Let's watch some TV, maybe there's something good
Bud: Okay. Watch a little tube.
Al: Oh, all right.
Bud picks up the remote control and turns the TV on.
TV: Coming up on "VE Kicked", Griff asks OJ the tough question.
Al motions to Bud to change the channel and Bud does so.
TV: [Barney singing:] Oh, we love Griff, Griff loves us...
Al takes the remote control from Bud and turns the TV off angrily.
Al: That's not fair. That should be me hugging that big purple idiot. My whole life
has been leading up to that moment.
Bud: Dad, I though you said your whole life was leading up to you leaving Mom.
Al: Well, it was, but - it was, but I wanna combine the two. Once I had that torch
in my hand, I would've just kept on running.
Kelly: Daddy, you wanna know what I think?
Al: [to Bud:] Oh, this should be good.
Kelly: Now, like the great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance
between the ping and the pong.
Al: [to Bud:] Go get my noose, boy.
Bud: I'll get two.
Kelly: No Daddy, listen. Your misery, or the 'ping', is what makes other people happy,
Al: Pumpkin, Daddy's feeling a little 'ping' right now.
Kelly: [happily] That's good! That means that somebody somewhere must be really 'pong'.
Maybe it's me...
Al: [to Bud:] She's been eating white-out again, hasn't she?!
Bud: Dad, Griff's your friend. Why can't you just be happy for him?
Al: When was the last time you saw me happy? For anyone, about anything?
Bud gets up.
Bud: Dad, Griff is a shoe salesman, all right? I mean, he makes no money. He drives a
sardine can on wheels. And he paints his ankles so we'll think he can afford
socks. Dad, he's got no life.
Al: But Son, that's my life!
Kelly: Well, then you can understand why he deserves a little bit of happiness.
Al: Ah, Pumpkin, maybe you're right. Maybe I haven't been such a good friend.
Bud: Or a father.
Al: Maybe there's still something I can do to make up for it.
Bud: Dad, you wanna go outside and throw the ball around a little bit?
Al: Not you! Griff. He's like family to me. Better, because he doesn't even live here.
Tomorrow I'm going down to the shoe store, I'm gonna tell him he's my best
friend and I'm happy for him.
Kelly: Oh Daddy, you're so good. I'm sure in your next life you're gonna be
Al rubs his temples. Kelly laughs and hugs him.
At the shoe store: Al is hanging a sign that says "Go Griff Go".
Roy Jones, Jr. comes in and walks over to Al.
RJ: Excuse me. I'm Roy Jones Junior.
Al steps off the stool.
Al: Undefeated, two-time world champion, former olympian Roy Jones Junior?
RJ: I prefer to think of myself as "pound-for-pound the bext boxer in the world" Roy
Al: Well, I prefer to think of myself as "high-school football star" Al Bundy, but...
unlike you, I got married and now my life is all screwed up.
RJ: Well, enough about you. Is Griff here?
Al: Uh, no. Griff's stretching to get ready for his big run. I'm his best friend,
you know. And I'm very happy for him.
RJ: Well, you should be. I mean, after all, he is America's hero.
He shows Al the front page of the "Chicago Tribune". The main headline is: "Griff:
America's Hero", and beneath it there's a picture of Griff.
Al: Give me that.
He snatches the newspaper from Roy Jones Junior and looks at it.
Al: [angrily:] "America's Hero"?! I'm the one who - [he gets a grip on himself and
continues calmly with a forced smile] I'm the one who's the best friend and I'm
very, very happy for him.
Jeff enters holding a "Go Griff" t-shirt and with several others on his shoulder.
Jeff: Get your official "Go Griff" t-shirts here.
He starts handing t-shirts to the people in the shoe store and taking money from them.
Jeff: [selling t-shirts] Here you go. Hey, there we go. Thank you. There you go. There
you go. That's it. Right.
Marcy comes in.
Marcy: Jefferson, I'm so proud of you. You finally got a job.
Jeff: Marcy, this - this isn't a job. No, I'm giving away these t-shirts to promote
Marcy: You're such a good man.
She hugs him. While she's doing so Jefferson hands a t-shirt to a woman behind him and
she pays him.
RJ: [to Marcy:] Excuse me, aren't you Bruce Jenner?
Marcy: No, I am not.
RJ: Are you sure?
Marcy: Don't make me knock you out.
He lifts his hands apologetically.
RJ: [to Jefferson:] Ooh, can I get a Griff shirt? [points]
Jeff: Oh, sure you can. Come on over here.
Calvin Farquar enters with his photographer and Larry Brown.
CF: [to Al:] Alfredo, look who I got to help me cover the Griff torch run: Superbowl
MVP Larry Brown.
Al: [in awe] Larry Brown??
CF: It's a miracle! Alfredo, the tongueless man, speaks!
Marcy points at Al and laughs.
CF: [to Marcy:] Aren't you Bruce Jenner?
She starts to leave angrily. Calvin Farquar runs after her.
CF: Mr. Jenner, can I have your autograph? Please? Can I have your autograph?
The photographer runs after them and they disappear out of sight.
Al: [to Larry Brown] I'm Al Bundy. [shakes his hand] Did you come 'cause you got my
LB: Yeah, right. I'm not here to see you; I'm here to see Griff.
Al: But why? You're a superbowl hero! Even though that bum O'Donnell threw those two
passes right to you.
LB: [quietly to Al] Hey, I know that, and you know that, but Disneyland and the
Raiders don't. And you know, I'd give it all up to be in Griff's shoes now.
Al: Why? He's just a divorced shoe salesman who's carrying a flaming stick through a
mall full of fat women. [he quickly adds:] But I am his best friend and [with an
effort:] very happy for him.
LB: [pats Al's hands] You oughta be.
Jefferson walks over to him.
Jeff: Uh, Larry, um, do you wanna buy one of these limited edition autographed
"Go Griff" t-shirts?
He searches for money in his pockets.
LB: I don't have any cash on me right now, but, uh... Hey, how about a superbowl
Jefferson smiles to himself.
Jeff: [indifferently] Sure.
LB: All right.
He takes off his superball ring and looks at it. Meanwhile, Jefferson turns around and
quickly signs the t-shirt. They exchange the shirt for the ring. Larry Brown holds up
the shirt in front of him and looks at it.
LB: Wow, I'll always cherish this.
He starts to leave.
Jeff: [calling after him:] Me too. I'll never let it go.
He waits until Larry Brown is outside the store.
Jeff: Anyone want to buy a superbowl ring?
Flint Guccione comes in, arm-in-arm with a huge-hootered girl in a bikini.
Flint: [to Al:] Excuse me, pal.
Al: [pointing at him] Hey! You're Flint Guccione, publisher of "Big 'Uns" magazine.
Flint: Right you are. Who'd have thought that an instamatic, a drunken family reunion
and fifty bucks could start an empire.
Al: Don't tell me you came here to shake Griff's hand?
Flint: I did that yesterday, when I presented him with his lifetime key to the Big'Uns
Brothel. And today, we're gonna make Griff Big'Uns' Man of the Year.
Two more girls in bikinis come in holding a giant Big'Uns cover with a picture of Griff
with three girls titled "Man of the Year".
Al has a fantasy, where he's standing in a red robe (like Griff on the magazine's cover)
with the three girls:
Model1: Oh Al, you're the man of the year.
Model2: No, you're the man of the century.
Marla: You're twice the man Griff is.
Her twin sister Carla joins them.
Carla: That's why I cloned myself.
Al wakes from his fantasy and notices he's hugging two twin fat women.
Girl: Hey everybody, it's Griff!
Jeff: And he's got the torch!
Everyone claps and cheers as Griff runs by the store.
Al: Those were my answers. That should be my torch. I will be the flaming one.
He runs outside after Griff. Miranda Cardinal comes in with a cameraman.
Mrnda: [to the camera] This is Miranda VeraCruz de la Jolla Cardenal live at the New
Market Mall where National hero Griff X has just run by with the torch.
Behind her, Griff runs by again, closely followred by Al.
Mrnda: Wait a minute.
She runs to the door.
Mrnda: [looking outside] Someone is chasing Griff. It appears to be local hooligan Al
The crowd goes "Ooooh".
Mrnda: Oh no. He has knocked the torch from Griff's hand and sent it hurtling into the
A splash is heard. Everybody moans in disappointment.
Kelly, Bud and Al are sitting on the couch in the Bundy living room watching TV.
Mrnda: [on TV:] For the first time in 3000 years the Olympic flame has been
extinguished. [Al starts drumming on his leg with his fingers] The torch must
now be re-lit in Athens and run around the world once more. The Summer Olympics
have been postponed indefinately [Al examines his fingernails], thanks again to
now-international hooligan Al Bundy.
Bud turns the TV off. Al picks his ear.
Bud: I guess you can look on the bright side, Dad: From now on, when people think of
olympic shame, they'll think of Al Bundy first, and then Tonya Harding.
Kelly: Daddy, do you think it's safe to go out for food now?
Al: Ah, Pumpkin, I - I [gets up and goes to the door] I wouldn't worry about it.
You know, when it comes to scandals [he picks up a stick with his picture at
one end] Americans have short memories.
He opens the door and holds the stick outside. We hear an arrow strike it. He takes it
back inside. There's a flaming dart stuck in the center of his picture's forehead.
The Sports Radio studio.
Larry Brown and Roy Jones Junior are standing behind Calvin Farquar.
CF: Welcome back to Sports Radio 600. I'm Calvin Farquar with my live in-studio
guests: Larry Brown, Roy Jones and... Bruce Jenner.
Marcy appears between Larry Brown and Roy Jones Junior and smiles.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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