WRITERS' SECOND DRAFT SCRIPT:
January 24, 1996
Richard Gurman & Stacie Lipp & Russell Marcus
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON
(BUD AND KELLY ARE WATCHING TV ON THE COUCH)
TV ANN. (V.O.) And now, "Friends," followed by the making of "Friends." And then, on the ten
o'clock news, the cast of "Cheers" discusses their favorite episodes of "Friends."
BUD Kelly, let's watch something else. This is a rerun.
KELLY No, it's not. I've seen this one a million times and it's definitely not a rerun.
(BUD REACTS AS AL ENTERS)
BUD Hey, Dad. You're off work early.
AL I'm always off at this time. I just never came home because your mother was here. What
the hell are you watching?
AL "Friends?" A man comes home from work, he doesn't want to see "Friends." He wants to see
naked beach bunnies fighting to the death.
KELLY How can anyone not love this show? It's unique, it's different. There's nothing on TV
quite like "Friends."
(AL TAKES THE REMOTE AND STARTS TO CHANNEL SURF)
TV ANN1 (V.O.) Now, stay tuned for "Pals."
(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS)
TV ANN2 (V.O.) And next, the exciting conclusion of "Amigos."
(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS)
TV ANN3 (V.O.) "Mateys."
(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS)
TV ANN4 (V.O.) "Homeboys."
(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS)
TV ANN5 (V.O.) "Geezers," starring Bill Cosby.
(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS AGAIN)
TV ANN. (V.O.) Welcome back to "Friends," sponsored by the new "Friends" Las Vegas Hotel and
(AL SNAPS THE REMOTE IN TWO)
AL Well, that satellite dish was money well spent. Like the wedding ring and the smoke
BUD I'm going to my room. I have absolutely no interest in this show.
(AS BUD EXITS TO THE BASEMENT)
KELLY You would if it were called "Rubber Friends."
AL I'll get it. It can't be your Mom. She would have just huffed and puffed and blown the
(AL OPENS THE DOOR TO TOM, A HUNKY U.P.S. MAN, WEARING BROWN U.P.S. SHORTS AND HOLDING TWO
TOM I've got something for Peggy Bundy.
AL So do I.
(AL SLAMS THE DOOR IN TOM'S FACE. A BEAT, THEN)
TOM (O.S., ALTERED VOICE) Domino's Pizza.
(AL OPENS THE DOOR. TOM FORCES HIS WAY IN)
AL Hey, that was a dirty trick.
TOM I know, but all's fair in love, war, and getting you to sign for your wife's
"Presidential Mistresses Collector Plates."
AL Women will buy anything.
(TOM PRODUCES ANOTHER PACKAGE)
TOM I also have these Playboy centerfold popsicle molds.
AL Uh, those are mine.
TOM Wait'll you taste Miss November.
(THEY SHARE A LAUGH AS TOM HANDS AL A CLIPBOARD)
TOM Sign here or I don't get paid.
AL No problem.
(TOM CHECKS KELLY OUT AS HE HANDS AL A PEN. AL THROWS THE PEN OVER HIS SHOULDER, THEN HANDS THE
CLIPBOARD TO TOM, WHO ABSENTLY TAKES IT BACK, DISTRACTED BY THE SIGHT OF KELLY)
TOM Hi, there. Whatcha watching?
KELLY "Friends." It's "Must See TV."
TOM Then the guy who stole our TV must be seeing it now.
KELLY In that case, you'll have to sit here and watch it with me.
(TOM SITS ON THE COUCH)
AL Go ahead, make yourself at home. I'd offer you a beer, but I don't want to be caught
empty-handed when the gardener and the chimney sweep drop by.
(AL EXITS UPSTAIRS)
KELLY My Dad's gone. You can sit a little closer... (LOOKS AT HIS NAME TAG) ...Tom. What a cool
name. Is it foreign?
TOM Let me guess, Polk High?
KELLY (PROUDLY) Six years.
(TOM MOVES CLOSER AND LOOKS AT KELLY'S BLOUSE)
KELLY I'm Kelly. I don't have a name tag.
TOM I wasn't looking for one.
(KELLY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
KELLY Then what were you looking for?
(THEY LEAN TOWARDS EACH OTHER FOR A KISS. BUT BEFORE THEIR LIPS MEET, TOM'S BEEPER GOES OFF AND
HE PULLS AWAY)
KELLY Wow, what was that? A lip alarm?
(TOM CHECKS HIS BEEPER)
TOM Sort of. I'm being paged by my girlfriend, Shannon. If I don't check in every fifteen
minutes she gets this crazy idea I'm cheating on her. Can you imagine?
KELLY Some women are so jealous and suspicious.
TOM Yeah, but luckily I'm not the kind of guy who worries about what women think. (THEN) You
got a back way outta here?
INT. ENEMIES APARTMENT - A SHORT WHILE LATER
(IT'S AS LOW RENT AND LIVED IN AS YOU WOULD EXPECT. THERE IS A KITCHEN WITH THREE DAYS OF DISHES
PILED IN THE SINK AND A BEAT UP REFRIGERATOR AND STOVE. A HALLWAY LEADS OFF TO TWO BEDROOMS AND
ONE BATHROOM. THE LIVING ROOM IS DECORATED IN THRIFT STORE CHIC. IT HAS A WINDOW WITH A FIRE
ESCAPE WHICH LOOKS OUT ON THE EL TRACKS. A SHEET SUSPENDED FROM A WIRE BY HOSPITAL CURTAIN TYPE
RINGS DIVIDES ONE CORNER OF THE LIVING ROOM. MARIA, AN ATTRACTIVE LATINA, IS AT THE STOVE COOKING
UP A POT OF FOOD. SHANNON, A SHAPELY BLONDE, ENTERS, CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES OUT A
SHANNON Hi, Maria. (SNIFFS THE AIR, MAKES A FACE) What's that smell?
MARIA (PROUDLY) It's the national dish of my country.
SHANNON Perspiration is the national dish of your country?
MARIA I'm surprised you'd even recognize perspiration, Shannon, unless you were licking it off
a sixty-year old junk bond king.
(SHANNON TAKES OUT A PAN, PUTS IT ON THE STOVE AND STARTS FUMBLING AROUND)
SHANNON Hey, just because I'm gorgeous and men shower me with gifts doesn't mean I'm some sort of
helpless princess. (THEN, KICKING THE STOVE AND BLOWING ON IT) How the hell does this
(MARIA OPENS THE OVEN DOOR AND POINTS)
MARIA You just open the door, stick your head in and turn on the gas.
SHANNON Oh, Maria. Don't hate me because you're ugly. Come on, I'm trying to cook something here.
(MARIA TURNS ON A BURNER FOR SHANNON WHO STARTS TO MELT SOMETHING IN THE POT)
MARIA Well, it's nice you're finally helping out in the kitchen. What are you cooking?
SHANNON Leg wax.
MARIA Ah, the national dish of *your* country, Bimbonia.
(JACKSON, THE PERPETUAL HOUSEGUEST, PULLS THE CURTAINS BACK FROM HIS LIVING AREA AND AMBLES
INTO THE KITCHEN. HE WEARS LUXURIOUS SLEEPWEAR. A BIG PARROT, TITO, IS PERCHED ON HIS SHOULDER)
JACKSON Good morning, girls.
MARIA Jackson, it's six in the evening.
JACKSON Good. I got through another workday without accidentally getting a job. Well, good-night.
(JACKSON TURNS BACK)
MARIA Jackson, I hate to throw a four letter word at you, but how about "rent"?
JACKSON Rent? I don't do rent. I'm a houseguest, remember?
SHANNON You've been here six months. Where I come from, a houseguest stays no more than two weeks.
JACKSON Then it's a damn good thing I'm not from Neptune. Well, good-night. (CROSSES OFF, THEN
SNIFFS THE AIR) Hmm. Something smells good. Can I have a taste?
(MARIA AND SHANNON SHARE A CONSPIRATORIAL LOOK AS MARIA DIPS A SPOON INTO SHANNON'S POT OF LEG
WAX AND OFFERS IT TO JACKSON)
MARIA (SING-SONG) Now open your mouth and close your eyes...
(JACKSON DOES. MARIA SPOONS LEG WAX INTO HIS MOUTH)
JACKSON Mmm. Much better than your fajitas. (TO HIS BIRD) Thank her for me, Tito.
TITO (V.O.) Bite me, feminazi.
JACKSON SoRRy, he's been listening to a lot of Rush Limbaugh lately. Come on, Tito. Let's brush
your teeth. Maria just bought some of that cool mint gel you love so much.
(JACKSON EXITS DOWN THE HALLWAY WITH TITO AS SHANNON TAKES HER POT OF HEATED LEG WAX AND CROSSES
INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH MARIA)
MARIA Shannon, we've got to find a way to extort some rent money out of Jackson.
TITO (O.S.) Minty fresh. Minty fresh.
(THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER)
MARIA Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
SHANNON What John Kennedy Jr. would feel like?
MARIA Ah, no. I was thinking of how we can use that parrot to get Jackson to pay up.
SHANNON You'd be a lot happier if you'd stop all that Wretched thinking and just wax your legs.
MARIA I am proud of the hair God gave me.
(SHANNON BRUSHES HOT WAX ON ONE OF HER LEGS AND PRESSES A PIECE OF CLOTH DOWN OVER IT)
SHANNON Then you must be very, very proud. Especially of your upper lip. But fine, keep your
Chia Legs and miss out on the joys of being a woman.
(SHANNON PULLS THE CLOTH OFF HER LEGS AND SCREAMS)
MARIA You're in a particularly foul mood today. Did my brother cheat on you again?
SHANNON Yes, and I'm picturing how many things I can cut off him before he dies. I've counted up
to twelve so far.
MARIA Well, that's a first.
(SHANNON PUTS ON MORE WAX AND PRESSES THE CLOTH DOWN AGAIN)
MARIA I don't get it. If you're so mad at Tom, why are you waxing your legs?
SHANNON You are so uneducated. I mean, don't they make a Spanish-language Cosmo? Look, Tom and I
are about to have a big fight. If we make up, we'll end up in bed and he'll want smooth
legs. If we break up, I'll end up in bed with someone else and he'll want smooth legs. So
either way, waxing is the key to my happiness.
(SHE PULLS THE CLOTH OFF AND SCREAMS)
(TOM ENTERS WITH TWO DOZEN PUNY ROSES)
TOM Hey, sweetie, I'm home. (NOTICES THE WAXING) Oh, hell, she's full-leg waxing. What did I
SHANNON You cheating dirtbag. I followed you today and saw you go into that cute blonde girl's
TOM So? I'm a delivery guy. I go into people's houses. Sometimes they're girls. Sometimes
SHANNON Sometimes you sleep with them.
TOM Yeah. But not today. (PROUDLY) Today I was faithful to you.
(TOM HANDS SHANNON THE ROSES)
SHANNON Tom, it's not just the cheating. I took the Cosmo quiz this morning and found out that I
am an "under-dater."
TOM No problem. Tonight you can be on top.
SHANNON What I mean is, a girl like me has big dreams. I shouldn't be dating you. I should be
dating your boss.
MARIA You did date his boss.
TOM You did?
SHANNON How do you think you got your promotion?
TOM I thought it was because I slept with his wife.
SHANNON You beast!
(SHANNON THROWS THE ROSES OUT THE WINDOW)
TOM Hey, that was two dozen roses. I paid four bucks for those. And it wasn't even from an
off-ramp. I went into a flower shop and everything.
SHANNON I don't know what keeps me here when there's a city full of middle-aged rich men hungering
for a trophy wife like me.
TOM I do.
(TOM MAKES A SEXY MOVE TOWARDS SHANNON. SHE STARTS TO FALL FOR IT, THEN CATCHES HERSELF)
SHANNON Forget it, Tom. That's not going to work anymore. I'm going to call the Cosmo hotline and
ask them why the hell I'm living with a Libra anyway.
(SHANNON STORMS OFF)
TOM (CALLS AFTER HER) Hey, don't be mad. Tonight was gonna be sex night.
(WE HEAR AN O.S. DOOR SLAM)
SFX: DOOR SLAM
TOM Maria, how am I going to make it through the night?
MARIA Don't worry, you'll be making up before the stubble pokes through her panty hose.
TOM No, you heard her. She's calling the Cosmo hotline. They hate men.
MARIA Look, Tom. I'm your sister. I care for you.
TOM You're my half-sister.
MARIA Okay, then I half-care for you. And I know you're feeling hurt right now.
TOM Hurt? That's a girlie thing. I'm feeling the guy version of hurt... horny.
MARIA That's also the guy version of happy, curious, and sleepy. In fact, is there *ever* a
moment when guys aren't horny?
TOM Prostate exams. And the "It's A Small World" ride. (THEN RECONSIDERS) No, just prostate
exams. I forgot about those little Polynesian girls.
MARIA Tom, you're no better than your skirt chasing father.
TOM Hey, it was your mother who walked into a married man's house in that little maid's
MARIA She *was* the maid, you idiot.
TOM Oh. Right. Well, maybe he was a lech, but I am nothing like him. I can live without a
woman for one night.
(TOM STARTS DIALING THE PHONE)
TOM (INTO THE RECEIVER) Hey, Kelly, it's Tom... Yeah, the U.P.S. guy. You wanna go out
tomorrow? ...Tonight? Sure, even better.
(TOM HANGS UP THE PHONE. MARIA REACTS. SHANNON RE-ENTERS)
SHANNON Tom, I've come to the realization that you might not be the perfect guy for me.
TOM Is this you speaking or the Cosmo "snot" line?
SHANNON Actually, it was *you* speaking. When I picked up the phone I over heard you ask some
girl on a date.
(SHANNON PICKS UP THE PHONE AND STARTS DIALING)
SHANNON Now it's obvious. All we really have is sex. I need something more spiritual. Money.
(THEN, INTO PHONE) Hello, Henry. It's Shannon. I've broken up with my boyfriend... Dinner?
Maybe after... (POINTEDLY TO TOM) ...the deed.
(SHANNON STARTS FOR THE DOOR)
TOM You'll pay for this.
SHANNON No, Henry's rich. I'll never have to pay for anything. Ever again.
END OF ACT ONE
INT. ENEMIES APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
(JACKSON IS ON THE COUCH WATCHING CARTOONS. WE HEAR INANE CARTOON VOICES FROM THE TV. MARIA IS
DOING THE DISHES. THE BIRDCAGE IS COVERED WITH A CLOTH)
SFX: CARTOON VOICES
JACKSON I hate these new socially responsible cartoons. They've taken away Porky Pig's stutter...
like that's real funny. And now they've given him a job. Everyone knows pigs don't work.
MARIA You're proof of that.
JACKSON Are you mad because it's your turn to do the dishes?
MARIA No, I'm mad because it's *your* turn to do the dishes.
(TOM ENTERS DRESSED FOR A DATE)
TOM Well, I'm ready for my date with Kelly. How do I smell?
JACKSON Like a guy who skipped a shower and drenched himself in Aramis.
TOM Wrong on two counts. It was Brut. And I washed my pits.
MARIA Did you use soap this time?
TOM No, I just wiped 'em clean on the waistband of your pantyhose.
JACKSON I don't think he should have done that.
MARIA It *was* pretty inconsiderate.
JACKSON No, I mean, I used them last night to clean the bottom of Tito's cage.
JACKSON (TO THE COVERED CAGE) Isn't that right, my little queasy-stomached friend?
(HE LIFTS THE CLOTH OFF THE CAGE. TITO IS GONE)
JACKSON Oh my God! Where's Tito?
(HE STARTS FRANTICALLY SEARCHING THE APARTMENT, CALLING OUT FOR TITO. MARIA OPENS A BOTTLE OF
BEER AND WATCHES HIM SEARCH)
JACKSON Maria, my best friend in the world is gone.
MARIA Somebody stole your futon?
JACKSON No, Tito. The least you could do is help me find him.
MARIA (OMINOUS) I know where he is.
(JACKSON STOPS SEARCHING IMMEDIATELY)
JACKSON What did you do with him?
MARIA Look, Jackson. I'm sick of working all day while you lounge around in pajamas. I've taken
Tito hostage until you come up with a rent check.
JACKSON You don't understand. The bird has a heart condition. If he doesn't get his medicine every
four hours, he'll die.
MARIA Then I guess you and Tito have four hours.
INT. GEORGE'S DINER - LATER THAT NIGHT
(IT'S A VERY SMALL, HOLE IN THE WALL, GREASY SPOON DINER, WITH A COUNTER AND SIX BACKLESS STOOLS
WITH THE STUFFING POKING THROUGH THE VINYL. THERE ARE TWO BOOTHS IN BACK. GEORGE, THE CAUSTIC
BLACK PROPRIETOR, IS WATCHING A FLY BUZZING AROUND THE GRILL. HE PICKS UP A FLY SWATTER AND SWATS
THE FLY ON THE GRILL. THEN HE USES THE SWATTER TO FLIP TWO HAMBURGERS. MARCY AND JEFFERSON ENTER
AND CROSS TO GEORGE)
MARCY Wow, Jefferson. What a real soul experience. This is no fake yuppie hangout. We are down
with the people. (SOTTO) You didn't wear the Rolex I gave you, did you?
JEFF No, I sold that long ago. I mean, it's too precious to ever wear.
MARCY Yo there, my good man. We're new to the 'hood. What do you recommend?
GEORGE The hamburgers.
JEFF We were hoping for something more "down home."
MARCY Like collard greens, oxtails, moonpies...
GEORGE I'm glad you've seen "Martin." But here we serve hamburgers.
(HE DUMPS THE TWO HAMBURGERS FROM THE GRILL IN FRONT OF THEM)
MARCY Listen, Homes, if you insist on dissing your customers in that manner you're not going to
stay in business long.
GEORGE Oh, I don't do this for a living. See, I'm from old money. This place is just to keep me
in yacht fuel.
JEFF Nonetheless, unless you offer a full apology, I don't think we can eat here.
GEORGE Well, then. I'll just prepare your order to go.
(GEORGE SCRAPES THE HAMBURGERS AND FRIES FROM THEIR PLATES INTO A LARGE PAPER BAG AND DUMPS THEIR
DRINKS ON TOP)
JEFF And we'd like some extra ketchup.
(GEORGE SQUIRTS KETCHUP INTO THE BAG AND HANDS IT TO A STUNNED MARCY. SHE AND JEFFERSON PUT DOWN
MONEY AND TAKE IT. AS THEY EXIT)
MARCY (TO JEFFERSON) I don't think he's really from old money.
(GEORGE TURNS TO KEIKO, THE KLUTZY, YOUNG ASIAN WAITRESS)
GEORGE When people like that start coming in here, you know the neighborhood's going downhill.
KEIKO George, I've never been a waitress before. When customers leave money on the table, what's
GEORGE It's for me. It's their way of showing appreciation for the guy who cooked the food.
(KEIKO HANDS SOME CASH OVER TO GEORGE)
KEIKO But I get to eat the leftover food off their plates, right?
GEORGE Absolutely. Unless there are no bites taken out of it. Then, it's for me, too.
KEIKO I have so much to learn.
(KEIKO GOES TO WAIT ON A TABLE AS KELLY AND TOM ENTER)
TOM Hi, George. Meet Kelly.
GEORGE Hey, Kelly. Welcome to George's Diner... a place where everyone knows your name but is
rude to you just the same.
KELLY Wow, just like my parents' house.
GEORGE So, Tom, did you and Shannon break up, or is she just out of town?
TOM She's in town. In fact, she's probably at her fat, drunken mother's trailer, crying her
fake eyelashes out over losing me.
(SHANNON ENTERS WITH HENRY, A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN IN HIS LATE FIFTIES. THEY'RE ARM IN ARM. SHE'S
WEARING A FUR STOLE)
SHANNON Hi, Tom.
TOM Hi, Shannon. What brings you here?
SHANNON A Jaguar. Owned by Henry. Aren't you going to introduce me to your little friend?
TOM Kelly, meet Shannon. She's the woman I used to go home to after my dates.
SHANNON Henry, meet Tom. He's the guy who thought I stayed home while he was out with other
KELLY Nice to meet you, Shannon. I think it's great that people can break up and still be such
TOM (TO GEORGE) Kelly and I would like a table for two.
SHANNON (POINTEDLY) Henry and I would like a table for one.
GEORGE There are two empty tables back there. You know my policy. The first one to bus 'em, gets
(TOM, KELLY, SHANNON AND HENRY HURRY TO THE BACK OF THE DINER. JACKSON ENTERS)
JACKSON George, the worst thing just happened.
GEORGE You accidentally got a job?
JACKSON Worse. That scheming lowlife Maria is holding Tito hostage until I come up with rent
GEORGE Well, I could use help around here.
JACKSON I thought you hired somebody.
GEORGE I did.
(WE HEAR A BIG CRASH OFF STAGE)
SFX: DISHES CRASHING
(KEIKO CROSSES TO THEM. SHE'S COVERED IN FOOD. SHE'S CRYING AND MOPPING FOOD OFF HER)
KEIKO I'm so sad.
GEORGE Oh, no. Not again. Remember, we said only three "sad" breaks a day.
KEIKO I can't help it. I am a disgrace to my people. I'm stupid. I can't eat with chopsticks. I
burn rice. My origami cranes look like road kill. I can't do anything right.
GEORGE That's not true. You break dishes really, really well.
(KEIKO STARTS CRYING AGAIN AND CROSSES OUT)
GEORGE God, I yearn for the days when you could hire a husky nine year old and have them work
an eighty hour week.
JACKSON Why do you keep her?
(KEIKO RETURNS AND HANDS GEORGE SOME MORE CASH)
KEIKO Here are some more of your tips.
(GEORGE POCKETS THE MONEY AS KEIKO CROSSES OUT)
GEORGE That. And she was the only job applicant who believed the minimum wage is still two
dollars an hour. You see, she was desperate for work after her parents threw her out.
JACKSON Where's she sleeping?
GEORGE Oh, she's got that covered. She just gets on the El and rides all night.
JACKSON (GETTING AN IDEA) Hmm. Let me go talk to her. You know how good I am with people.
GEORGE Okay. But not a word about the minimum wage.
(JACKSON NODS AND EXITS)
INT. GEORGE'S DINER - CONTINUOUS
(THERE ARE THREE BOOTHS. TOM AND KELLY ARE AT ONE. SHANNON ARE AT ANOTHER. AN OLDER COUPLE IS AT
1. TOM REACHES OUT AND HOLDS BOTH OF KELLY'S HANDS ACROSS THE TABLE
2. SHANNON REACTS. SHE REACHES OUT AND HOLDS ONE OF HENRY'S HANDS ACROSS THE TABLE. SHE THEN
REACHES UNDER THE TABLE WITH HER OTHER HAND. HENRY REACTS AT FIRST SURPRISED, THEN PLEASED.
3. THE OLDER COUPLE NOTICES SHANNON AND HENRY AND REACTS WITH DISAPPROVAL.
4. TOM NOTICES SHANNON AND HENRY, AND MOVES CLOSER TO KELLY IN THE BOOTH.
5. SHANNON NOTICES TOM AND KELLY, AND SITS IN HENRY'S LAP.
6. TOM FEEDS KELLY A FRENCH FRY ON A FORK.
7. SHANNON STICKS HER FINGER INTO THE WHIPPED CREAM ON HER HOT FUDGE SUNDAE AND PUTS IT IN HENRY'S
8. TOM SQUIRTS KETCHUP ON KELLY'S ARM, THEN LICKS IT OFF.
9. THE OLDER COUPLE NOTICES TOM AND KELLY, AND SETS DOWN THEIR FOOD, GROSSED OUT.
10. SHANNON CLEARS THE TABLE WITH A SWEEP OF HER HAND, CRASHING THE DISHES TO THE FLOOR.
SFX: DISHES CRASHING.
SHE KISSES HENRY ON TOP OF THE TABLE.
(WE COME OUT OF THE MONTAGE AND THEY ARE STILL ON THE TABLE)
SHANNON Henry, I'm really turned on. Let's make love.
HENRY Great. Shall we do it in my Jag, or go to my condo?
SHANNON No, let's go someplace really romantic. The bathroom.
(HENRY LOOKS PUZZLED, BUT BEFORE HE CAN OBJECT, SHE LEADS HIM INTO THE LADIES' ROOM. TOM NOTICES
TOM C'mon. Let's go to the bathroom, too.
KELLY Okay, I'll try but I really don't think I have to go.
(TOM HOLDS KELLY'S HAND AS THEY ENTER THE MEN'S ROOM. THE DOORS TO THE MEN'S AND WOMEN'S ROOMS
ARE ADJACENT. THE CAMERA HOLDS ON THE DOORS. WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF SHANNON AND HENRY MAKING LOVE
IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM)
SHANNON (O.S.) Oh, Henry. I love it when you blow on my neck.
INT. WOMEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
(SHANNON AND HENRY ARE KISSING. HE LEANS HER AGAINST THE BLOW DRYER. IT GOES OFF AND EXCITES HER)
SFX: BLOW DRYER
INT. BATHROOM DOORS - CONTINUOUS
(WE HEAR CLANGING NOISES COMING OUT OF THE MEN'S ROOM)
TOM (O.S.) Oh, Kelly, you're the best I've ever had.
INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
(TOM IS BANGING A TRASH CAN AGAINST THE WALL AS KELLY WATCHES)
KELLY This is fun, but it'd be even better if we had sex.
TOM We'll get to that. First, I need to work through a few little issues from my prior
KELLY Sure, I know how messy breakups can be. Let me know if there's anything I could do to
TOM Well, to start with, you could moan...
SHANNON (O.S.) (MOANS) Oh, Henry!
TOM ...louder than Shannon.
KELLY (MOANS LOUDLY) Oh, Henry!
INT. LADIES ROOM - CONTINUOUS
(HENRY REACTS TO KELLY)
HENRY (OFF KELLY'S COMMENTS) I *am* good.
INT. THE DINER - CONTINUOUS
(LOUD POUNDING, SUCKING, SPLASHING AND FLUSHING SOUNDS ARE COMING OUT OF EACH OF THE BATHROOMS)
SFX: POUNDING, SUCKING, SPLASHING AND FLASHING SOUNDS
OLD WMN (TO HUSBAND, SEXILY) Honey, take me to the bathroom.
INT. MEN'S ROOM - THIRTY MINUTES LATER
SUPER: THIRTY MINUTES LATER
(THE MEN'S ROOM HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED)
KELLY Well, there's nothing left to throw. Are you over Shannon yet?
(TOM LISTENS THROUGH THE WALL)
TOM Yes, I am. They've stopped making noise. I proved I could keep it going longer than that
(WE HEAR THE SIREN OF AN AMBULANCE)
SFX: AMBULANCE SIREN
TOM Oh, man. This is even better than I hoped.
INT. GEORGE'S DINER
(TOM AND KELLY ENTER AS PARAMEDICS RUSH IN WITH A GURNEY. THE CUSTOMERS AND GEORGE GATHER AROUND)
PARAMED We got a call about an unconscious person.
GEORGE (POINTS TO THE WOMEN'S ROOM) Right in there.
TOM I knew it. Shannon probably killed the geezer. I *am* the king!
(THEN A DISHEVELED, BUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY HENRY ENTERS FROM THE MEN'S ROOM)
TOM You? But I thought...
HENRY Nope. Shannon's the one who passed out. Smiling, I might add.
KELLY But how?
(HENRY MAKES A SQUEEZING GESTURE WITH HIS HAND)
HENRY (COYLY) I've got the pump.
(KELLY REACTS IMPRESSED. THE PARAMEDICS WHEEL SHANNON OUT OF THE BATHROOM. TOM RUSHES TO HER SIDE
AS THEY START TO WHEEL HER OUT OF THE DINER)
TOM Shannon, Shannon. Speak to me. I love you. I'll do anything to get you back.
(SHANNON OPENS HER EYES)
SHANNON Oh, Tom. I want you back, too. Come with me to the hospital. We'll rock that ambulance.
(THE PARAMEDICS, TOM AND SHANNON EXIT)
KELLY I'll tell you one thing. I am *not* going on a second date with Tom.
HENRY And you shouldn't. You deserve a guy who has some respect for women. Wanna get in the Jag
and go shopping?
(THEY EXIT AS WE)
INT. ENEMIES APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
(MARIA IS AT THE STOVE, COOKING. TOM AND SHANNON ARE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH)
MARIA Well, we're back together as one big, happy family. Looking after each other. Talking.
TOM (TO SHANNON) Let's see, we've done it in the living room, our room, the fire escape...
SHANNON The bathroom, the hallway...
MARIA Don't forget the elevator.
SHANNON Well, it got stuck. What else were we supposed to do?
MARIA Oh, I don't know. Keep your pants on and call for help?
TOM There must be some place we haven't had make up sex yet.
SHANNON I've got it... Maria's room.
TOM You're right, we haven't done it there. In fact, no one has ever done it there.
(TOM PICKS SHANNON UP, BRIDE-OVER-THE-THRESHOLD STYLE AND THEY EXIT DOWN THE HALLWAY)
MARIA (CALLS OUT AFTER THEM) Oh, yeah. Well, that's about to change.
(MARIA TAKES THE POT OFF THE STOVE AND CROSSES TO THE COUCH)
SHANNON (O.S.) So is the century.
(MARIA BRUSHES THE CONTENTS OF THE POT ONTO HER LEGS. WE SEE THAT IT IS LEG WAX. SHE APPLIES THE
CLOTH AND MUSES)
MARIA I might need two coats.
JACKSON Great news, Maria. You can give me back my bird. I've come up with the rent.
MARIA You found a job?
JACKSON No, I found us another payin' roomie.
(KEIKO ENTERS HOLDING A SUITCASE)
JACKSON Maria, meet Keiko. She has a real job *and* she's great with dishes. Now, where's my bird?
MARIA Well, Tom and Shannon should be discovering him about now.
TITO (O.S.) Wonderbra. Wonder... blegh!
(WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE CHOKING TITO)
JACKSON I've got to cut down on his television.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT
(AL IS ABSORBED WATCHING TV. KELLY ENTERS WITH HENRY. SHE IS DECKED IN NEW CLOTHING AND
ACCESSORIES. SHE CARRIES SHOPPING BAGS)
KELLY Daddy, I'd like you to meet Henry.
AL Pumpkin, what did we say about talking to Daddy? I'm watching my new favorite program.
(KELLY NOTICES THE TV)
KELLY "Friends?" I thought you hated that show.
AL I do. But if you mute the sound and watch with binoculars, you can tell that Jennifer
Aniston isn't wearing a bra.
(AL RAISES HIS BINOCULARS AS HENRY SITS BESIDE AL ON THE COUCH, LEAVING KELLY ALONE AS WE)
END OF SHOW
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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