1023 (233)


Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy

Guest cast:

Harold Sylvester........Griff
Leland Orser............Director
Brian Stewart...........Lance
Andrea Nittoli..........Linda
Karen Lynn Scott........Dina
Susan Slome.............Becca



 The Bundy living room.
 Al enters in a bad mood, slams the door closed, takes off his jacket and hangs
 it up.

AL     All right, I've had it. I'm sick of coming home, seeing you holding down
       the couch, watching Oprah and stuffing your face full of bonbons. Now
       you either get you lazy ass in the kitchen and cook me a meal, or get out!

 Jefferson is lounging on the couch, watching TV with a bucket of bonbons.
 He sits up.

JEFRSN Come on, Al. Marcy won't let me back in the house until I have a job,
       and if you kick me out too, [whining] where will I go?

AL     [shrugs] Don't know, don't care.

 Al walks over to the kitchen.

JEFRSN Sure, you working people don't know how tough it is to find a job these

 Jefferson takes a bite out of a bonbon.
 Bud enters, from the basement, carrying a briefcase.

BUD    [excited] Kelly, I got you another job!

 Jefferson lifts his hands in exasperation and lies back down.
 Bud takes some papers out of the briefcase.
 Kelly comes down the stairs.

BUD    [boasting to himself] Damn, I'm a good agent. If I was a hot young chick
       I couldn't keep my hands off myself.

KELLY  Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.

 Kelly laughs.

BUD    Just for that, I'm not going to tell you who got the part in the next
       "Romantic Roast" coffee commercial.

KELLY  [begging] Oh, please Bud, please tell me.

BUD    Well, she's blonde, she's standing right next to me and she doesn't have
       a brain in her head.

KELLY  Could you be a little bit more specific? Just a bit...

BUD    [shouting] You, you dullard!

KELLY  [shrieking excitedly] What? I got the job? Oh my God, oh my God! All I
       did was read the lines at the audition, I mean, I didn't have to uncross
       my... [stops because Al is looking at her] my... my fingers, [holds up
       her hands] or anything.

BUD    Look, you start the... you start shooting tonight.

 Bud shows Kelly the paper.
 Kelly gasps with excitement.
 Al walks over to Kelly.

AL     Congratulations, Pumpkin, but what exactly is "Romantic Roast"?

KELLY  Oh, well it's this brown powdered stuff, that when you add hot water, it
       becomes coffee.

 Al holds his head with disbelief.

KELLY  I know, I know, I didn't believe it either, but it's true.

AL     [pointing at Jefferson] Jefferson, that settles it. If someone with the
       IQ of a french fry can get a job, you can too.

KELLY  Yeah! But... [pauses for thought] Hey!

 Kelly goes to look at the papers with Bud.

AL     Now, listen Jefferson, [sits next to Jefferson] I also want you to drive
       these kids anywhere they wanna go.

JEFRSN You want me to be a chauffeur? That's humiliating!

AL     No, Jefferson, sleeping in Peg's couch dust is humiliating. This is just
       a job, so Marcy'll take you back.

JEFRSN Look, I appreciate that Al, but [glancing at Bud and Kelly] I can't take
       money from your kids.

AL     Sure you can, you're stronger than the boy... [they glance at Bud and
       Kelly] Shake him down when the girl's not looking.

 Bud and Kelly stare at Al.



 Kelly is standing in a kitchen on the set of the "Romantic Roast" commercial.
 The director approaches, speaking into a megaphone.

DIRECT Okay folks, "Romantic Roast" rehearsal, take one.

 Kelly begins walking across the kitchen while talking into a cordless phone.

KELLY  Yup, Lance; the really cute building super is on his way up, so I've
       cleverly jammed the disposal.
       [picks up a broom and jams it into the waste disposal]
       Yup, I put Abba's Greatest Hits on the stereo and... well, of course,
       I made two cups of [holds up two cups for the camera] "Romantic Roast".
       [puts cups down]
       I'll let you know how it goes. 'Kay. Bye.

 Kelly puts down the phone.
 The actor playing "Lance" enters the kitchen.

LANCE  [in a very high voice] I'm here to fix the disposal.

DIRECT [on megaphone] Cut.
       [without megaphone] Ha ha, very amusing Mike Tyson impression. This
       time could you try it in a register everyone can hear - not just dogs?

 Coffee Commercial; Take Two:

KELLY  [talking on the phone] ...Mmm, and of course I made two cups [holds up
       two cups for the camera] of "Romantic Roast".
       [puts cups down] I'll let you know how it goes.

 Kelly puts the phone down.
 The actor playing "Lance" enters the kitchen.

LANCE  [still in a high voice] I'm here to fix the disposal.

 Kelly looks exasperated.
 The actor's high-pitched voice has cracked the lens of the director's glasses.

DIRECT [on megaphone] Cut.
       [removes his glasses and walks over to the actor]
       I'm curious; exactly what part on "Baywatch" did you play?

LANCE  The voice of Lex, the friendly dolphin.

DIRECT All right, Lex, you're fired.

 The actor walks off the set in a huff.

DIRECT [to Kelly] Okay, let's just call it a day, shall we?

LANCE  [on the other side of the studio] Bite me.

 The actor starts collecting his stuff.
 Bud walks over to the director.

BUD    Uh, Mr. Director... Look, I think I know who can play Lance.

DIRECT Oh, I don't think you're right for the part. You look like he sounds.

LANCE  [walking out the door] I heard that.

BUD    Not - not me, I'm talking about my... my other client.

 Bud gestures towards Jefferson, who is talking on his cell-phone and writing
 in a notepad.

JEFRSN [talking on the phone] Yeah... and, uh, put fifty bucks on Agile Angus to
       place... Yeah.

 Bud walks over to Jefferson.

BUD    Mr. D'Arcy.


BUD    I think I can get you a job in this commercial.

JEFRSN [holds away the phone to answer Bud] Why? What have I ever done to you?

BUD    A job? So Mrs. D'Arcy will let you back in the house.

JEFRSN [closes cell phone] Yeah, maybe you're right?
       [looks around the studio] I mean, y'know, it's not really "work", it's -

 Bud pats Jefferson on the shoulder.



 We see the "Romantic Roast" commercial on TV.

KELLY  [talking on the phone] ...and of course I've made two cups of [holds up
       two cups for the camera] "Romantic Roast".
       [puts the cups down] Okay, I'll let you know how it goes...
       Mmm, bye.

 Kelly puts down the phone.
 Jefferson enters the kitchen as "Lance".

JEFRSN I'm here to fix the disposal.

KELLY  I can't figure out what happened.

 Kelly winks at the camera.
 Jefferson sees the broom stuck in the sink and nods.

JEFRSN I see this all the time.

 Jefferson, grunting, pulls out the broom and puts it down.

KELLY  Can I thank you with a cup of coffee?

 Jefferson takes the cup of coffee offered by Kelly. 
 They both drink some of the coffee.

KELLY  Mmmm.

JEFRSN "Romantic Roast"?

KELLY  "Romantic Roast".

 They continue to drink.
 The picture changes to show some "Romantic Roast" products with a voice-over.

TV     Long after the coffee's gone, the romance lingers on and on.

 We now see the Bundy living room, where Marcy, Jefferson, Kelly and Al are
 sitting on the couch watching the commercial.
 The commercial ends.

AL     Hah! Congratulations, Pumpkin. Now, as you know, acting careers are
       fleeting, so you should give me your money; so I invest it wisely for

KELLY  Oh Daddy, you do love me.

 Kelly takes out some money, from her blouse pocket, and gives it to Al.

AL     I do, now!

 The doorbell rings.
 Kelly gets up to open the door.

AL     [waving the money at Jefferson and Marcy] This commercial is the best
       thing that ever happened to us.

MARCY  Well, for once, Al, we agree. With Jefferson employed, our relationship
       has never been better.

 Jefferson and Marcy start to kiss.
 Kelly opens the door to a crowd of girls standing outside.
 They shriek excitedly.

GIRL#1 There he is, he's Lance, Mr. "Romantic Roast"-coffee-guy!

 She runs in and sits next to Jefferson on the couch.
 The other girls follow and gather around Jefferson.

KELLY  [trying to grab some attention] Excuse me, excuse me, but, you know, I'm
       - I'm - I'm Mrs. "Romantic Roast"-coffee-guy.

 Kelly smiles proudly, nodding.
 Marcy becomes jealous.

MARCY  [to Kelly] Only on TV! [proudly to the girls] I'm the real Mrs.
       "Romantic Roast"-coffee-guy!

GIRL#2 Oh, you're his mother?

MARCY  No, you twit! I'm his wife!

GIRL#1 That's impossible. [waves a map in the air] This map to the star's home
       says he lives alone.

MARCY  Give me that!

 Marcy snatches the map from the girl and looks at it.

MARCY  What low-life would sell you this?

 Bud comes in, counting money and wearing a sign that says "Star Maps $25.00".
 Kelly goes over to Bud and they talk in the background.

MARCY  Al, you've got to do something about this ruthless exploitation of our

AL     You're right, and I will.



 Gary's Shoe Store.
 Al and Griff are standing next to Jefferson, who is sitting down, signing a

JEFRSN There you go.

 Jefferson gives Al the autographed shoe in a box.

AL     May I present, the autographed Lance pump.
       [holds up the shoe] Price: 79.95.
       Price Gary thinks we're selling it for: 9.95.

 Al and Griff laugh.

GRIFF  [excited] Let the purse jacking begin.

 Griff runs to open the door.
 A large crowd of women push their way in, but Griff manages to restrain them.
 Al takes money from them and hands out the shoes.
 One of the women gets past Griff, runs over to Jefferson and puts her arms on
 his shoulders.
 Griff notices the gate-crasher and issues a warning.

GRIFF  Uh, ma'am! Groping Lance will cost you a hundred bucks.

 The woman gives Griff the money.
 Jefferson smiles with pride.

GRIFF  Grope on.

 Griff assists Al selling the autographed shoes.
 Marcy runs into the store and goes straight over to Jefferson.

MARCY  Jefferson! There you are.

JEFRSN How did you find me here?

MARCY  Well, Bud was also selling maps to where the stars are making whorish
       public appearances.
       [to Al, who is counting money] By the way, did you know that Michael
       Caine is down in Orange Julius as we speak?

 Marcy moves closer to Jefferson.

MARCY  Jefferson, why would you sell your good name to line the polyester
       pockets of the lowest man on earth?

AL     And you wonder why stars leave their wives.

 Marcy gives Al a look.

JEFRSN Look Marcy, this is all harmless fun.

GRIFF  This is just Jefferson's 15 minutes of fame.

AL     Yeah, it'll be over before your hair grows out.

 Al, Griff and Jefferson laugh.
 Bud and Kelly make their way through the crowd to them.

BUD    Mr. D'Arcy, great news; the people from "Romantic Roast" just called,
       and they want you and Kelly for two more commercials.

 They all jump for joy, except Marcy.



 The Bundy living room.
 Al and Marcy are sitting on the couch watching the second "Romantic Roast"

KELLY  [on TV] Lance, why don't you finish your "Romantic Roast" while it's
       still hot and steamy.

JEFRSN [on TV] Lila, that's not the only thing that's hot and steamy.

KELLY  [on TV] Oh Lance.

JEFRSN [on TV] Ohhhh, Lila.

MARCY  Oh, shoot me.

 Al looks at Marcy and then back at the TV.

TV     "Romantic Roast". What Juan Valdez drinks when the missus is out of town.

 Marcy turns off the TV angrily and turns to Al.

MARCY  Al, don't you see where this is going? Jefferson is getting famous, and
       more and more women are throwing themselves at him, and before you know
       it, he'll be gone, I'll be all alone and it'll be just like when Steve
       left. [almost crying] it's a very scary thing, you understand?

 Marcy buries her face in her hand.

AL     Yes I do, Marcy, and to help you out I made a top ten list [gets up and
       walks to the counter] of things to make you more attractive for your...
       [picks up paper] for your sex symbol husband.

MARCY  [to the camera] Uh oh.

 Al starts walking around and reading from the paper.

AL     Number ten: Wear traditional Islamic garb covering all but the eyes.
       Number nine: Feather-removing electrolysis.
       Number eight: Ski mask.
       Number seven: Sew up holes in ski mask.
       Number six: Hire attractive woman to stand in front of you at all times.
       Number five: Beak job.
       Number four: Put paper bag over ski mask.
       Number three: Shave head, tattoo Cindy Crawford's face on back of head,
                     and learn to walk backwards. [walks a few steps backwards]
       Number two: Poke out eyes of every man on Earth.
       Number one: Get President to make every day Halloween.

MARCY  Now, I don't understand you, Al, [gets up] although perhaps, that's the
       fault of that cow-sized tongue inside your [shouting] peanut-sized head!

AL     [shouting] Hey! Do I make fun of you?

MARCY  Doesn't it bother you that your daughter and my husband are living a
       soap opera romance?

AL     No Marcy, [Al doesn't notice Bud coming in through the front door] but
       the difference between me and you, Marcy; outside the fact that my feet
       aren't a Chinese delicacy [Marcy glances at her feet], is that I know
       the difference between fact and fiction.

 Bud interrupts and Al turns around to face him.

BUD    Well, I'm glad you feel that way Dad, because, um, I was a little
       worried you might have a problem with this next commercial.

AL     Why? What's in this commercial?

BUD    Well, Mr. D'Arcy and Kelly have to, uh, they have to kiss.

AL     What?!
MARCY  What?!

AL     I'll kill him first!

BUD    Dad, it's only a commercial... one that's gonna make us a lot of money.

AL     Bud, there are some things more important than money. Kelly's lips are
       never gonna go where Marcy's lips have been.

MARCY  Yeah? Well, my Jefferson's lips are never gonna go where everyone else's
       lips have already been!

AL     That's right! [pauses for thought] Hey, what are you hinting at?!

MARCY  I'll break it to you later, Al. Right now, let's deal with this situation!

AL     Ah well, what are we worried about? Kelly will never go for this.

 Kelly and Jefferson come in.

KELLY  Hey, did you hear the good news?

JEFRSN We're gonna kiss on television.

 They make kissing motions towards each other.
 Kelly laughs.

MARCY  [forcing a smile] Jefferson, Honey... [walks over to Jefferson] Can I
       have a word with you in our own kitchen, by the recently sharpened

JEFRSN [holds out his hand] Goodbye, Lila.

KELLY  Goodbye, Lance.

 Jefferson and Kelly make kissing noises.
 Marcy pulls Jefferson out of the house.
 Kelly turns to face Al, laughing.

AL     Kelly, we have to have a talk.

BUD    [to Al] Um, as her agent, I strongly advise my client not to listen to you.

AL     Shut up, [raises his hand to Bud] or it's five across the eyes!
       [Bud retreats behind Kelly] Kelly, I've given you good fatherly advice
       in the past...

KELLY  Daddy, you have never given me fatherly advice.

AL     Okay, then, here's some advice from someone a hundred pounds heavier
       with an 8-inch reach advantage; you are not kissing the neighbor!

KELLY  Daddy, I am grown up, and you can't tell me what to do anymore, so,
       [pokes out her tongue] Nnnn!

AL     K... Kelly... [Kelly pushes past and sits on the couch] I know you're
       grown up, even though you still live at home, [Al and Bud sit on the
       couch] and occasionally pick up the phone when you think it's the
       doorbell, but Sweetheart, look, [opens his wallet] Why do you think I
       carry your baby picture in my wallet?

 Kelly glances at the wallet.

KELLY  That's not me, Dad.

 Bud looks over Al's shoulder at the wallet.

BUD    That's the picture that came with the wallet!

AL     [to Bud] Hey, when I bought this wallet I had a choice: a little boy, or
       a little girl. I picked the little girl. She's... symbolic.

KELLY  [shouting] She's Chinese, Dad!

AL     [shouting] That's what I was hoping you would be!

KELLY  [weeping] Oh Daddy, I'm sorry I'm not Chinese!

 Al hugs Kelly and holds her hand.

AL     Oh, that's all right, that's all right now.

 Al snarls at Bud.
 Bud holds his head in dismay.

KELLY  Daddy, what is really the problem?

AL     Well, because I... I... I want to keep you pure.

BUD    Well, you'd better call Mr. Peabody and the waaaay back machine.

 Al makes a "five across the eyes" gesture towards Bud.
 Bud shuts up.

KELLY  Daddy, this commercial is just pretend. Of course I'm gonna stay pure
       until I meet the right man.
       [Al holds his fist in front of Bud's face before Bud can say anything]
       In the meantime, why don't you come to the set tomorrow and you'll see
       how innocent it is, and if you don't like what you see, you know what
       you can do.

AL     Beat everybody up?

KELLY  You are my daddy.

 Kelly puts her head on Al's shoulder.



 The set of the Romantic Roast Coffee Commercial.
 Bud and Al are sitting on high chairs and Marcy is standing at the back of the
 A stage manager walks past.

SMANGR Actors on the set for the reading.

 Marcy, carrying a plate, walks over to Al and Bud.

MARCY  So, what kind of kiss do you think it will be?

AL     There's only one kind: man faces woman, closes his eyes, imagines he's
       with someone else - just like sex.

 Marcy sits on the remaining high chair.

MARCY  You truly are a Neanderthal. I mean, there's all kinds of kisses: open-
       mouthed, closed-mouthed, tongues...

AL     Tongues? The tongue has no place in passion.
       [gets up and walks over to the director] Hey, excuse me uh, Mr. Director,
       I'd like to talk to you about this kissing with tongues.

DIRECT Wrong set. They're casting "Show Boys" down the hall.

AL     Yow, no! Kelly's my daughter, I want to make sure this kiss is quick and

DIRECT Oh. Well, they're not going to kiss anymore. We did some research and
       the audience felt that 'kissing after the third date' was too... 80's.

 Marcy gets up and walks over to them.

MARCY  Well, I'm glad this country has finally come to its senses.

AL     So, what are you gonna have 'em do?

 A curtain is lifted to reveal a large red double bed.

AL     What's that bed for?

DIRECT Oh, come on Mr. Bundy, you're a married man.

AL     Yeah. [shrugs] What's that bed for?

DIRECT We, in the business, call it "sex".

AL     I don't care what you call it, my daughter's not doing it.

DIRECT Mr. Bundy, they're not really having sex. In fact, the commercial takes
       place after sex; when they're having coffee.

AL     How can someone drink coffee in their sleep?

MARCY  [pushes Al aside] I'll handle this, Magila.
       [to the director] Look, my husband is not having post-coital coffee with
       anyone. I don't care how much money you pay him.

DIRECT How does fifty-thousand dollars sound?

MARCY  [into the director's megaphone] Quiet on the set!

 Marcy goes to retrieve her plate from the chair.
 Bud walks over to Al and puts his hand on his shoulder.

BUD    Dad, did you hear that?

AL     I just still can't figure it out - sex then coffee. It's just wrong!

 Bud drags Al away.
 Jefferson and Kelly walk onto the set, carrying their scripts.
 Jefferson puts on a pair of glasses and sits on the bed with Kelly.
 The director crouches down, at the end of the bed, to talk to them.

DIRECT Okay, I... I know you just got these new lines, so we're gonna have a
       cold reading here on the set and see what we've got.

 Jefferson clears his throat and starts to read.

JEFRSN Good morning, Darling.

KELLY  Well, Lance, you sure fixed the squeak in my bed. You're wonderful.

JEFRSN So, the sex was good for you too, huh?

KELLY  No, it was awful, [Jefferson looks back and forth through both their
       scripts] but the coffee makes it all worth while.

 Kelly laughs.

DIRECT Then you sip, and then you smile, and then we're done.
       Great, how do these lines feel?

 Al and Marcy clap.

AL     Brilliant!

MARCY  Encore!

JEFRSN Uh, problem over here. [gets up and takes the director aside] Look, what
       exactly does she mean, "it was awful"?

DIRECT She means you're bad in bed.

JEFRSN I am not!

DIRECT Okay, "Lance" is bad in bed.

JEFRSN Look, you don't seem to understand; to millions of women out there, I
       "am" Lance, okay? I can't have them thinking I'm bad in bed. Now, how
       about if I'm good and she's bad? That's the way it is in real life.

 Marcy throws a pancake at Jefferson and it sticks to his shirt.
 Jefferson tosses his script away, peels the pancake from his shirt and slaps
 it into the director's hand.

JEFRSN You're gonna have to re-write the script, pal.

 Jefferson turns his back on the director.

DIRECT W... we can't do that, see, this commercial is geared towards women,
       and we all know they can never be satisfied...

AL     That's true.
MARCY  That's true.

DIRECT ...which works for us, because if men really were good in bed, women
       wouldn't need flavored coffee.

JEFRSN Look, pal, I'm a real man, and I can't pretend to be anything less!

 Jefferson storms out, but stops when he goes to pass Marcy.

JEFRSN Marcy, can I have a ride home?

MARCY  Take the bus with the other real men.

 Jefferson throws up his arms and walks out of the studio.
 Kelly gets up and chases after Jefferson.

KELLY  Hey Mr. D'Arcy, this happens to older married men all the time!

 Al and Marcy stare at Kelly.
 Kelly pauses to explain.

KELLY  I've... I've heard.

 Kelly runs out of the studio.
 The director is sitting on the bed, depressed.

DIRECT [on megaphone] Well, that's a wrap. [To himself] Actors.
       [sighs] Maybe we should rethink this whole campaign? I've got it: Frogs.
       Coffee-drinking frogs.

 Bud walks over to the director.

BUD    Uh, Mr. Director, listen. [sits on bed] Before you go with frogs, hear
       me out.



 The set of the Romantic Roast Coffee Commercial.
 Marcy is sitting up in the bed, holding a coffee cup.

DIRECT [on megaphone] Action!

MARCY  [mono syllabic, forcing a smile] Wow, Vince, you-fixed-the-squeak-in-my-
       bed. You're-wonderful.

 The camera pans out to reveal Al next to her, also holding a coffe cup.

AL     [stiffly] So the sex was... What? What's the line?

DIRECT [into megaphone] Good for you.

AL     [stiffly] So the sex was good - for - you.

MARCY  No, it was... awful, [very quickly] but, that's what makes the coffee
       all worthwhile.

 Al and Marcy touch the cups together quickly.

DIRECT [into megaphone] Cut, cut. Thank you. That's enough.
       [shakily gets up to leave] I'm going home. Someone get me some frogs and
       some bourbon.

 The director leaves the set.
 Al and Marcy look confused.


 Al and Marcy are still sitting in bed, while the crew is wrapping up.

AL     So... the sex was good - for... you - too?

MARCY  No, it was... awful...

 The lights are dimmed.

MARCY  [quickly] but that's what makes the coffee all worthwhile.

 They touch cups quickly.

AL     [shouting] Hey, how was that?

 An unseen member of the crew shouts back.

VOICE   Great.

MARCY  Let's try it again, Al.

AL     [smoothly] So the sex was good for you too?

MARCY  [smoothly] No, it was... awful, but... that's what makes the coffee all

 The lights are turned off completely.

MARCY  Well, that was good for me, was that good for you, Al?

 Al snores.


Creative Consultant: Michael G. Moye
Consulting Producer: Calvin Brown Jr.
Supervising Producer: Russell Marcus
Co-Executive Producer: Stacie Lipp
Executive Producer: Richard Gurman, Kim Weiskopf

Directed by: Sam W. Orender
Story by: Todd Newman
Teleplay by: Dvora Inwood
Created by: Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
Co-Producer: Michael Greenspon
Produced by: John Maxwell Anderson

Casting by: Rick Millikan C.S.A.
Music by: Jonathan Wolff
Art Director: Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director: Heather Ross
Associate Director: Bob Priest
Stage Managers: Richard Draney, Stephanie Scott and Rey Vincenty
Edited by: Larry Harris
Production Associate: Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator: Carl Studebaker, Tim Davis
Technical Director: Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography: Thomas W. Markle
Audio: J. Mark King, Laura Osborn-King, Scott Glickman, Alan Zema
Cameras: Mike Culp S.O.C., Steve Casaly, Jim Lunsford, Dennis Turner
Re-Recording: Roy Pahlman, John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff: Fran Kaufer, Garry Bowren, Carson Smith, Christy
                  Latusek, Bert L. Cook, Peter Alexander
Costumes: Marti M. Squyres
Property Master: Michael Semon
Make-up: Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist: Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer: Steven Ritt
Copyright (c) 1996 ELP Communications

Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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