1022 (230)


Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky...................Lucky the dog

Guest cast:

Mark Espinoza...........Carlos
Ian Patrick Williams....Inspector Fitzpatrick
Angela Strader..........Turquoise
Don Dowe................Foreman



 We see a dark and empty Bundy living room.
 On-Screen Caption: "3:15 AM. Weather Forecast: Clear and fair. Zero percent
 chance of snow."
 Al comes in, covered with snow, carrying Lucky.

AL     You miserable, girl-bladdered, insomniac roach of a dog. Buck could hold
       it for days, why can't you?

 Al puts Lucky down onto the couch.

LUCKY  I am Buck, you shoe-peddlin' moron.

 Bud comes out of the basement carrying a baseball bat.

BUD    I thought I heard something. Was there an intruder?

AL     No, Hef, it was probably Lucky scratching on the door to get out!

BUD    No, I heard that. It sounded more like breaking glass.

AL     No, those were my tears freezing in mid-air and shattering on the

BUD    Is it really that cold out there?

AL     [grabbing Bud by the neck and pushing him towards the door] Let me show

 Al opens the door and they see Kelly kissing with a guy outside.
 Kelly notices them, stops kissing and looks embarrassed.

KELLY  [to the guy] Pervert! [Kelly pushes him away]
       [To Al] You know, a girl can't even come home from her prayer meeting,
       without someone trying to stick their tongue down her throat.

 Kelly goes inside.
 Al closes the door.

AL     Kids, this is the perfect time for a family meeting. [They all sit on
       the couch] And the topic of the meeting is the little member of the
       family who can't make it through the night without wetting himself.

KELLY  Dad, right in front of him?

 Kelly gestures towards Bud.

BUD    I think he meant the dog, Kel. Didn't you, dad?

 Al makes an exasperated face.

AL     Don't you understand that since your mother left, I have been handling
       all the maternal responsibilities. Now do you think it's easy lounging
       on this couch, growing out of my clothes and begging myself for sex? I
       simply don't have time to walk the damn dog!

BUD    All right, Dad, we're sorry.

KELLY  We promise, starting tomorrow we will take care of Lucky.

 Al starts seesawing his leg like Peg does.



 We see a dark and empty Bundy living room again.
 On-Screen Caption: "3:15 AM. Weather forecast: clear and balmy".
 Al comes in from the pouring rain, carrying Lucky.

AL     Bud! [to Lucky] Miserable, flea-infested geyser of a dog.

 Al puts Lucky down onto the couch.

LUCKY  I didn't see you lift your leg into a minus twenty wind-chill.

AL     Bud!

 Bud comes out from the basement wearing red and green pyjamas. He lifts a
 blindfold from over his eyes before walking over to Al.

AL     Or should I say Boy Wonder?

BUD    Dad, what are you doing up?

AL     I was awakened by a nightmare that your mother was kissing me all over.
       Then I realised it was Lucky, because his breath was sweet, his feet
       were warm and he's just a little bit more furry. Then I thought: it's
       3:15 in the morning with hailstones the size of softballs - let's take 
       Lucky out for a little dump.

 Kelly comes in with her guy from the previous night and sees Bud and Al.

KELLY  [to the guy] God, do I have to spell it out for you? G-N-O spells 'no'!

 Kelly shoves him outside and closes the door.

AL     I gave the two of you one more chance, you failed miserably. Tomorrow
       night, Lucky spends his evening in the yard.

BUD    Dad, you can't put a dog outside in the middle of winter. It's inhumane.

AL     No Bud, inhumane would be to force him to work at a shoe store for
       minimum wage and then have him come home to a red-headed Shih Tzu.

KELLY  Daddy, if you're gonna put Lucky outside you're gonna have to build him
       a doghouse.

BUD    [putting his hand on Al's shoulder] You know, we can even build it
       together - as a family project.

AL     Like that perfect family on "Party of Five"?

KELLY  Dad, their parents were killed in a fiery car crash.

AL     [smiling and nodding] Exactly.



 Al is in the backyard working at a table wearing goggles.

AL     Bud, you wanna hand me that hammer? 

 The camera moves and we see there's no one there. Al takes the hammer himself.

AL     Thank you. [talking to no one] Ah, no, Pumpkin, that's all right, Daddy
       already drank too many ice cold beers.

 Jefferson comes into the backyard holding a bottle of beer.

JEFRSN Hey, Buddy, what you, er... Whatcha doing?

AL     I'm building a doghouse with my loving family.

 Jefferson looks at Al as if he's nuts.

JEFRSN You know, they come ready-made.

AL     You mean, I didn't have to have sex with my wife?

 They laugh.

JEFRSN Doghouses, Al.

AL     Ah, but why spend the money and miss the satisfaction of creating a
       house for your beloved pooch, working with your bare hands? [to his
       imaginary family] Right, kids?

 Jefferson looks around.

JEFRSN  Er Al, I don't see Bud and Kelly... Do you?

AL     Ah, who needs 'em! Everybody should work everyday outside with their
       hands. Whether you're sticking nails under your neighbor's tyres, or
       digging that grave you can't wait to jump into. [pats Jefferson on the
       shoulder] I'm just glad I have a friend like you who's willing to help
       out. It's important, Jefferson, [Al turns away from Jefferson, picks up
       a hammer and walks to the other side of the table] because we have to
       stick together. I mean. we're a vanishing breed. You wanna hand me...

 Al looks up, but Jefferson has gone.



 The Bundy living room.
 Bud is sitting at the computer.
 We hear hammering noises from outside.
 Kelly comes in carrying a magazine and an envelope.

BUD    Kelly, what is Dad hammering out there?

AL     [from outside] Ow!

KELLY  Apparently himself.

AL     [shouting outside] Damn nail! Damn thumb! Damn dog!

KELLY  Bud, after months of trying, I think I've finally found a way to show
       Carlos how much I care about him.

BUD    A pinata of condoms?

KELLY  No, Little Engine That Couldn't. I needed to know what kind of women he
       liked, so I wrote to his brother back in the old country of [tries to
       read from the envelope] San Di... San... What does it say over here?

BUD    [looking] Diego.

KELLY  Yeah, where they speak Spinach. He sent me those pictures of his old
       girlfriends and they're all plain-looking. No make-up, no jewellery,
       no... no bras...

BUD    [snatching the pictures from Kelly] Let me see this. Oooh!

KELLY  So, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to "Pierre's Salon
       O' Natural" where for only $500 I can look like I haven't spent any
       money on myself at all.

BUD    You are your mother's daughter.

KELLY  Well, duh... [rolls her eyes] Listen, Carlos is coming over in a little
       bit. If he gets here before I get back, keep him away from Dad. Don't
       let him talk to him, don't even let him look at him. OK?

BUD    All right, but why?

AL     [outside] Make way!

 We see Al being chased outside by a lawn-mower.



 The Bundy back yard.
 Al is using a power saw to cut a piece of timber.
 Marcy's head appears over the fence.

MARCY  Howdy neighbor. Whatcha doing?

AL     Well, let's see. I got a saw, I got me some wood, I got me a "How To
       Build A Doghouse" manual... I'm jet-skiing!

MARCY  Well, I am trying to go over some records for bank deposits, though I
       suppose that concept is lost on you.

AL     Much as a strapless bra would be on you.

MARCY  Do you suppose that you could keep the noise down just a hair?

AL     [shrugs] OK.

MARCY  Thanks, Al. Just 2 hours of quiet, that's all I need.

 Marcy goes back into her house.

AL     She didn't say what two hours!

 Al takes the chainsaw and starts marching back and forth near the fence,
 holding it up and making loud noises.



 The camera moves inside, where Bud closes the shutters and sits on the couch
 to watch TV.

TV     We now return to "Red Shoe Diaries".
       [female voice] Hi, you don't know me, but would you wine me, dine me
       and have your way with me?
       [male voice] Oh, I'd love to.

BUD    Yeah right. I can't count how many times that has happened to me.

 The doorbell rings.
 Bud opens the door and sees a girl, named Turquoise, standing outside.

TURQSE Hi, you don't know me, but would you wine me, dine me and have your way
       with me?

BUD    [thinking to himself] I'm dreaming! Better pinch myself. [lifts his hand
       to pinch himself, but stops midway] What am I, an idiot? [pinches
       Turquoise instead. Turquoise giggles] Let's go, Baby!

 They start to leave as Carlos arrives.

CARLOS Oh, hello Bud, is Kelly here?

BUD    Carlos, I'm supposed to tell you something...

TURQSE [to Carlos:] Hi, you don't know me, but would you...

 Bud puts his finger on her lips to silence her.

BUD    Never mind, never mind... Just... go ask my dad.

 Bud and Turquoise leave.



 The camera moves back to the backyard, where Al is still standing by the fence
 and making loud noises with the chainsaw.

AL     [singing] Wild thing, you make my heart sing, you make everything groovy.

 Al stops singing when Carlos enters the backyard.

CARLOS You must be Kelly's father?

AL     You must be here to take advantage of my daughter and live off me like
       my worthless wife and family.

CARLOS Mr. Bundy, money is of no concern to me. I come from a very wealthy

AL      [putting his hand on Carlos' shoulder] Son.

CARLOS Please, just call me Carlos.

AL     No, I prefer "son". Do you know anything about building houses?

CARLOS My family built our entire village. We even built a tunnel from my
       country to yours.

AL     [holding up the chainsaw] Then you should know how to work one of these?

CARLOS [taking the chainsaw] Of course.

AL     Can you make it go louder?

CARLOS You mean like this?

 Carlos holds up the chainsaw making loud noises.
 Al laughs.



 The Bundy backyard.
 Carlos is working on the doghouse, which is almost complete.
 Al is standing next to the fence making noises with the chainsaw.

AL     Hey Marcy, how's that bank report coming along?

 Marcy enters the backyard with a building inspector.
 Al doesn't notice them.

AL     [laughing] What's that? I'm sorry, I can't hear you!

 Marcy takes a piece of wood and whacks Al on his butt.
 Al cries out in pain.

AL     What did I ever do to you?

MARCY  You were born! And you live here! And I don't know what you did to my
       birdbath, but the little birdies won't go there anymore.

AL     You started this! You came here and you told me to be quiet! What did
       you expect?

MARCY  Don't complain to me. Do what I did and complain to him. [gestures
       towards the inspector] This is inspector Fitzpatrick of the Department
       of Housing and Zoning.

INSPTR How do you do, Mr. Bundy. Nice doghouse you've got there.

AL     Thank you.

INSPTR Tear it down.

 Marcy laughs shrilly and leaves.



 Al, Carlos and inspector Fitzpatrick are standing in the backyard near the

AL     What do you mean, "this doghouse has to come down"? Me and my son Carlos
       just put it up!

INSPTR You have no permit.

AL     It's a doghouse!

INSPTR You say "it's a doghouse", but what's to stop you from renting it out to
       a family?

AL     The fact that it's two feet by two feet?!

INSPTR Sorry Bundy. No permit - no doghouse.

AL     [taking a hammer and preparing to hit the inspector] No doghouse, no brain!

 Carlos holds Al's arm, preventing him from hitting the inspector.

CARLOS Perhaps this can be resolved without a bludgeoning.

INSPTR Well, you can always try going down to the Building Department, stand in
       line all day long, with people from eighth world countries, carrying
       sausage in their clothing, pay your thirty bucks; or, you could pay me
       fifty. I could give you the permit right now.

AL     Carlos, I'm a little short...

 Carlos takes a huge roll of bills out of his pocket.

CARLOS How much do you need, Mr. Bundy?

AL     Uh, seventy.

 Carlos gives Al the money.
 Al puts some in his pocket and gives the rest to the inspector.
 The inspector starts inspecting the doghouse.

INSPTR Aha, aha...

AL     What are you doing now?

INSPTR I'm a building inspector - I'm checking your building. Aha... Uh oh.

AL     "Uh oh" what?

INSPTR This house is too close to the main dwelling. You're gonna have to tear
       it down.

AL     What do you mean, "tear it down"? Why can't we just pick it up and move it?

INSPTR It's illegal to move an unsafe dwelling.

 The inspector puts a 'disapproved' sticker on the doghouse.

AL     But it might be a little safer with a 50 in your pocket?
       [to Carlos] Carlos...

CARLOS Seventy?

AL     Uh... better make it eighty.

INSPTR Ordinarily, I'd take your money, but Mrs. D'Arcy has already paid me
       much more, and, call me old-fashioned, but I'm a one bribe kind of
       guy. Besides, it will be fun watching you build the doghouse all over

MARCY  [from her window] It sure will! Ha ha ha ha ha!

AL     Oh yeah? Well, don't hold your breath - no, do till you're blue,
       'cause we're not rebuilding this doghouse! Carlos, we're going bowling.

CARLOS I don't know how to bowl.

AL     Well, you got money, don't you? [Carlos nods] That's half the game right there.

CARLOS But Mr. Bundy, doesn't your dog need some place to go?

AL     [going inside] I don't care where... [Al steps on Lucky's crap and comes
       back out, rubbing his shoe against the floor]. Damn dog! Damn neighbor!
       Damn day I was born!



 The Bundy backyard.
 Al and Carlos are putting the roof on the doghouse.
 Inspector Fitzpatrick is sitting on a lawn chair holding food and drink.

AL     Ow, ow! I'd like to throw this...

 Al aims the hammer at the inspector.
 Kelly enters with a slightly different hairdo.

KELLY  Carlos, what are you doing here with... with the yard man?

CARLOS No Kelly, this man is your father!

KELLY  That hasn't been proven yet. Come on Carlos, let's go inside.

CARLOS But, why? I'm having such a wonderful time here with your father.

AL     [speaking in Spanish] Dame ese dos por cuatro.
       [on screen]  Carlos, give me that two by four.

 Carlos gives Al a piece of wood.

KELLY  Carlos, do you notice anything different about me?

CARLOS No, you're the same Kelly that I worship as a chaste goddess.

KELLY  Damn, I knew I should have gotten the complete make-under.
       [walks over to Al] Daddy, I'm going back to the Salon, I'll need a
       couple of hundred dollars.

AL     Well, no problemo, la Pumpquito.
       [to Carlos] Carlos...

 Carlos gives Al more money.
 Al puts some in his pocket and gives the rest to Kelly.
 Kelly kisses Al on the cheek.

KELLY   Thank you, Daddy.

 Kelly leaves.

AL     All right, that ought to do it. Inspector?

 Inspector Fitzpatrick gets up and walks to the doghouse.

INSPTR Let's see. Mm-mm, mm-mm... looks to be the proper distance from the
       house, but...

AL     But, what?

INSPTR No foundations.



 Al, Carlos and Inspector Fitzpatrick are standing in the backyard, where a
 foreman is directing a concrete truck.

FOREMN All right, come on back, come on back, hold! All right boys, pour me a

 A rather small lump of concrete is poured into the wheelbarrow.

AL     That's it? My future son-in-law spent $700 for one stinking blob of

FOREMN Well, I'm sorry but we've got a one-truckload minimum. Do you have some
       place you want us to pour the rest?

AL     How 'bout the dog?

LUCKY  Very funny. Check your sock drawer.

FOREMN Well, it's your cement. When you figure where you want it, just give me
       a call.

 The Foreman leaves.

AL     [to the inspector] Now listen, before we build this doghouse yet another
       time, any more surprises in that magic code book of yours?

INSPTR Nah, not a thing.

 Inspector Fitzpatrick puts a toothpick between his teeth and smiles.



 Al and Carlos are standing next to the doghouse, while the inspector is
 inspecting it.


AL     What?! What's wrong now?

INSPTR No plumbing.

 Marcy laughs shrilly from her window.

AL     Excuse me.

 Al takes a hammer and throws it at Marcy.
 Marcy's window smashes and she screams.

AL     Now, why would a dog need plumbing? He doesn't wash himself after he
       marks a tree. If he's dirty he just drags himself along the ground, like
       I'm gonna do to you if you don't approve this doghouse!

 The inspector holds the code book open in front of Al.

INSPTR Page 49, Mr. Bundy. No plumbing, no doghouse.



 Al and Inspector Fitzpatrick are standing near the doghouse.
 Carlos is on his hands and knees by the doghouse. He flushes a tiny toilet
 inside the doghouse.

CARLOS [standing up] The pipes are up and running. I even filled his water bed.

INSPTR Let me see this. [looks inside the doghouse] Mm-mm, mm-mm. All right,
       plumbing passes. But, where is your handicap access?



 Carlos finishes working on the doghouse's handicap access and stands up.

CARLOS OK, bring on the 3-legged dogs.

 The inspector unhappily closes his book.



 The Bundy living room.
 Bud is asleep on the couch.
 Kelly comes downstairs with the hairdo and clothing of a traditional South
 American girl.

KELLY  OK Bud, after six hours at the Salon, I think my natural look is finally
       complete. What do you think?

BUD    [sitting up] Well, you no longer look like a North American slut. Now
       you look like a South American slut.

KELLY  That's exactly the look I was going for.

 Carlos enters from the backyard singing "Wild Thing".

CARLOS [to Kelly] Oh, excuse me, oh homely housekeeper woman. Have you seen the
       beautiful, sweet and excitingly trashy Kelly?

BUD    Carlos, this is Kelly. You just don't recognise her with her clothes
       right-side up.

 Bud leaves the room.

KELLY  So Carlos, what do you think of my new look? I spent $700 to achieve the
       look of the women of your village.

CARLOS I spent $7000 to come to America to get away from the women of my
       village! Kelly, I have decided you are not the Andorra-sweater-wearing,
       pointy-breasted woman, who will frost my dunking-Heinz cakes, or bear my
       2.6 children, as I watch wrestling on TV.

KELLY  Carlos, you never wanted those things before???

CARLOS Yes, but I never spent a day with your father before. He's a very wise
       man. He reeks of wisdom... and something else I cannot identify. Heed
       these words, Kelly. Now I must leave. Adios.

 Carlos leaves.

KELLY  [calling after him] Oh, wait! Wait, Carlos... I am a slut! I can be a
       big slut, a huge slut!

 Al comes in from the backyard.

AL     Hello, Pumpkin.

KELLY  Daddy, you have ruined my life.

AL     Well, that makes us even. Oh, come on Pumpkin, cheer up. [they sit on
       the couch] So you lost Carlos. Hey, at least we're going to the
       basketball game together.

KELLY  Me and you, Dad?

AL     No, me and Carlos. What a guy. You know, it's funny how things work out.
       I spent twelve thousand dollars of Carlos' money on a doghouse that
       Lucky refuses to set foot into.

KELLY  Then why are you so happy?

AL     Because 6000 bucks of it is in my pockets! Hey, I also figured where to
       pour out that leftover truckload of wet cement.

KELLY  We're getting a swimming pool?

AL     Better.

MARCY  [outside] Jefferson, have you seen my car keys?

 The sound of a truck reversing can be heard.
 We hear Marcy's voice outside.

MARCY  You in the truck, get that spout away from my Mercedes!

FOREMN OK boys, let her rip!

MARCY  Noooooooooooooooo!

 Al and Kelly laugh and high-five.


Creative Consultant: Michael G. Moye
Consulting Producer: Calvin Brown Jr.
Supervising Producer: Russell Marcus
Executive Producers: Kim Weiskopf, Richard Gurman

Directed By: Sam W. Orender
Written by: Garry B. Bowren and Laurie Lee-Goss
Created by: Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
Co-Producer: Michael Greenspon
Produced by: John Maxwell Anderson

Casting by: Rick Millikan C.S.A.
Music by: Jonathan Wolfe
Art Director: Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director: Heather Ross
Associate Director: Bob Priest
Stage Managers: Richard Draney and Stephanie Scott
Edited by: Larry Harris
Production Associate: Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator: Carl Studebaker, Tim Davis
Technical Director: Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography: Thomas W. Markle
Audio: J. Mark King, Laura Osborn-King, Scott Glickman
       and Alan Zema
Cameras: Mike Culp S.O.C. Steve Casaly, Jim Lunsford
         and David Rhea
Re-Recording: Roy Pahlman, John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff: Fran Kaufer, Garry Bowren, Carson
                  Smith, Christy Latusek, Bert L. Cook
                  and Peter Alexander
Costumes: Marti M. Squyres
Property Master: Michael Semon
Make-up: Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist: Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer: Steven Ritt
Married... with Children on-line at:
Copyright (c) 1996 ELP Communications.

Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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