BUD HITS TE BOOKS
Ed O'Neill...................Al Bundy
Amanda Bearse................Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate..........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.................Jefferson D'Arcy
Beverly Archer...............Miss Hardaway
Teresa Parente...............Miranda Cardinal
Ed Gilbert...................Voice of Bob Packwood
Bud and a girl named Ariel are sitting on his bed in the basement playing Strip Study.
Ariel: Thanks for inviting me over to play Strip Study, Bud.
Bud: Well, just like it says on the box [shows her the box] - it's a game with no losers.
He puts the box away and picks up a card.
Bud: [reading from card] Okay Ariel, Ulyssus S. Grant was a general in which war?
Ariel: Um... the war on drugs?
Bud: Mmm... close. No, the correct answer is [shows her the card] The Civil War.
Ariel: They named a war after Cybil Shepherd?
Bud: [excitedly, to himself:] Oh man! [to Ariel:] Now you know the rules. For each wrong
answer you must remove one piece of clothing.
Ariel takes off her jacket.
Ariel: Gee, if I'd known the rules, I would've worn underwear.
Bud gives her a long look and then picks up another card.
Bud: [reading from card] Okay, who was the first president of the United States?
Ariel: George Washington?
Bud: [quickly] Wrong.
He puts down the card and moves his piece. Ariel takes off her shirt.
Ariel: Gosh, Bud, I'm not that smart. I can't figure out why you'd want to study with me.
Bud stares at her (and her body) for a while before answering.
Bud: Well, you make every subject come to life.
He starts to hug her.
Ariel: Bud, finals are a week away, and every time we try to study, we end up having sex.
Bud: Trust me, Ariel. In two minutes we'll be right back to studying.
He pushes the game board off the bed and they start to make out.
Bud is asleep on the bed. Ariel is sitting next to him, with a book.
Caption: "THE NEXT MORNING"
Ariel: Bud [pats him on the back] wake up.
Bud wakes up and looks at her.
Bud: What is it?
Ariel: [angrily] George Washington was the first president of the United States!
Bud lies back down. After a few moments he picks up his clock and looks at it.
Bud: Oh my God! Do you know what time it is?
Ariel: Uh, six o'clock?
Bud: No, it's eight o'clock.
He hurriedly gets up.
She takes off her jacket. Bud starts to dress.
Bud: No, we're not playing that game anymore, Ariel. It's morning. What am I gonna do? If
I don't pass these exams, I won't graduate. Come on, we gotta get out of here.
Ariel gets up from the bed.
Ariel: Well, won't it be awkward when your family sees me coming out of your room?
Bud: Nah, I have girls here all the time. They won't even bat an eye. Come on, let's go.
They rush up the stairs and come out into the living room, where Griff, Ike, Kelly, Jefferson
and Al are waiting. There are balloons on the walls and as well as a "Bud's First Sleepover
Date" banner. Griff and Jefferson have cameras. As Bud and Ariel emerge they all cheer.
Al: Congratulations, son, your first sleep-over date.
Griff: And with a girl! [points at Ariel]
Ike: Unless it's one of those "Crying Game" kind of things.
Bud: How did you guys know Ariel was here?
Kelly: Well, for once the cries of "Oh Bud, oh Bud" wasn't just you throwing your voice!
Jeff: And at about 1 a.m. you suddenly yelled out the window: "I just got busy". Now,
being down with the lingo you youngsters use today, I knew that you had just done
the "function at the junction".
Kelly walks over to Ariel.
Kelly: So, you spent the night with my brother Bud. [she puts her arm around Ariel's
shoulder] Could you, uh, could you bend your head forward please? [she looks at
Ariel's neck] Nope, no air nozzle!
They all laugh (except for Bud and Ariel, of course)
Bud: Will you leave her alone? The girl's just had the best sex of her life.
Ariel: I didn't say it was the best. I said that you did your best.
They all laugh again. Bud escorts Ariel to the door.
Ariel: So Bud, shall I study your brains out again tonight?
Bud nods, then stops.
Bud: No, no no no no no. I really have to study alone. I have to get my diploma so I can
[glances back at the others] get the hell out of this house.
Al: Bud, uh, come here a second, son.
Bud walks over to Al.
Al: You're, um, you're gonna do the right thing about this girl now, aren't you?
Bud: You mean, marry her?
Al: No! I mean never call her again.
Bud: Thanks for the advice, Dad.
He walks back to Ariel.
Bud: Look, Ariel, I really need to get my grades up, all right? So until finals are over,
I'm swearing off sex.
Ariel: That's a good idea. I'm gonna get my grades up too.
Bud: So you'll swear off sex also?
Ariel: No, I'm gonna sleep with all my teachers. Thanks.
She kisses him and leaves. The others cheer.
Bud is sitting at his desk in the basement, studying.
Bud: E equals MC... [looks at a poster of a girl in a bikini over his desk] cups. Oh, I
have to concentrate.
He takes out cardboard pants and a cardboard shirt from his drawer and sticks them on the
Bud: She's still too sexy.
He takes out a piece of cardboard with Barbara Bush's face on it from his drawer. He looks
at it, grimaces, and then sticks it on the poster as well. He picks up his book. Al, Griff
and Ike come running down the stairs.
He sees the poster and cries out.
Al: What the hell is that?
Bud: Dad, I'm trying to study.
Al: What? Why presidents marry ugly? But, son, actually I'm glad you're studying because
then you'll be quiet while the guys and I watch TV. Today is the premiere of the
new Big 'Uns Network, B-U-N, or "BUN".
Bud: Why do you have to watch it down here on my small TV?
Al: We're not watching the BUN on your small TV.
Jefferson comes down the stairs carrying a TV, grunting.
Jeff: You guys wanna give me a hand here with Marcy's TV?
Griff: Yeah, put it right there. [he points]
Bud: I'm not going to be able to study with you guys sitting there watching bimbo TV!
Al: They're not bimbos, they're hooteracious Americans. And secondly, son, you're not
even gonna notice that we're here.
He sits with Griff, Ike and Jefferson on the sofa in front of the TV.
Meanwhile, Bud is trying to study.
TV: Welcome to the premiere of the Big 'Uns Network. I'm fomer senator Bob Packwood, and
this is a real "Dear diary" day for me. [he chuckles and we hear girls giggle]
The guys hoot and cheer. Bud closes his book.
Bud: This is ridiculous. [gets up] I'm gonna have to find a place to study where there's
absolutely nothing that can turn me on.
Bud comes into the library, hops on the counter and gives the librarian, Miss Hardaway, a kiss.
Hrdwy: Why Bud, what was that for?
Bud: Just for being you, Miss Hardaway.
Hrdwy: You're so cute. What can I do for you? Be as creative as you like with your answer.
Bud: I'd just like the reserved reading for these classes, please.
He hands her a note. She goes to get the books.
Bud: By the way, do you have a poster of yourself I can hang up over my desk?
Hrdwy: Well, I don't have a poster of myself, but I was featured in this magazine.
She reaches under the counter, takes a magazine and gives it to Bud.
Bud: [reading cover] "Library 'Uns"?
Hrdwy: I'm the centerfold.
She goes to get the books. Bud unfolds the centerfold and screams in horror.
The other people in the library hush him. Miss Hardaway comes back with the books.
Hrdwy: Here are the books. I've marked the parts you're supposed to read and I've taken the
liberty of putting my home phone number on the bookmark.
Bud picks up the books.
Hrdwy: Oh, Bud, if you're looking for a quiet place to study, try that little room there
[points]. It's very private.
Bud: Thanks, I'll give it a try.
He goes into the room.
Bud: Oh, this is perfect.
He closes the door.
Bud: Perfect, perfect, perfect.
He sits down and puts the books on the desk.
Bud: Now I can finally forget about sex and concentrate on my studies. I guess I'll start
with Shakespeare here.
He opens the book and starts reading.
Bud: [reading in his head:] Her breasts, like ivory globes circled with blue, a pair of
maiden worlds unconquered. [thinking:] God, what I wouldn't give for a pair of
globes right now.
He closes the book and gets up.
Bud: Okay, gotta calm down!
We see that there's a video camera on the wall, through which Miss Hardaway is watching Bud.
She takes a peek at the monitor beneath the counter and sprays perfume on herself, smiling.
Bud: Okay, what could be less stimulating than Biology?
He opens another book and starts reading.
Bud: [reading in his head:] The woman indicates her readiness by... [he quickly turns the
page] When the female has reached peak arousal... [thinking:] Oh, I'd like to peak at
He shuts the book and puts his hands to his forhead.
Bud: Okay. [rubbing his temples] No sex, no sex, no sex, no sex. Okay, anthropology will
definitely cool me down.
He picks up a book.
Bud: [reading book's title] "Costumes of the Trobrian Islanders."
He opens the book.
Bud: [reading in his head:] Hmm. The women use coconut shells as clothing. [turns the
page] Hey, those aren't coconut shells. But those are coconuts!
He closes the book.
Bud: A man can only take so much.
He closes the shutters. The camera shifts to Miss Hardaway.
Hrdwy: I wonder what's up with Bud.
She looks at the monitor, then in the direction of Bud's room with shock, then back at the
monitor. She faints.
Al is sitting in the basement watching TV. Bud comes down the stairs.
TV: This is Senator Bob Packwood, live from the Big 'Uns Olympics. The officials are on
the field measuring... it's a new world record! 72.5 inches, she's won the gold!
Al: Yes! Yes! I knew she has what it takes.
Bud sits on the bed.
Bud: What event is it, long jump?
Al: No, they're just measuring her chest.
Bud: Dad, I need to talk to you. The University just put me on probation.
Al: Way to go, son! What did you do? Paint the school mascot? Put on a panty wig?
Bud: I was caught... having sex in the school library.
Al: All right! That's my boy!
He gets up, walks over to Bud and starts shaking his hand.
Al: Who's the lucky girl?
Bud: You're shaking her...
Al pulls away his hand in disgust. Bud gets up.
Bud: Dad, I'm gonna be tried by the university deans! I might not be able to graduate!
Could you give me a hand?
Al: Obviously, you have too many as it is!
Bud: Hey, if I don't graduate, I might just live here forever.
Al: Son, you need the best defence no money can buy.
Caption: "A WEEK LATER".
Bud and Marcy walk into the library, which has been turned into a mini courthouse. Miss
Hardaway is standing behind the counter holding a gavel, and the Deans are sitting opposite
her. Bud and Marcy sit down at a table. Miss Hardaway hammers on the counter.
Hrdwy: We will now try the case of Trumaine College versus Bud Bundy. We have convened
here at the scene of the crime.
Dean: Um, you're not going to re-create it, are you?
Hrdwy: Well, that was not my intention, Dean Marquan, but I cannot speak for Mr. Bundy...
Perhaps he should be handcuffed during this proceeding?
Marcy: That will not be necessary. I am confident that my client can control himself.
Hrdwy: Then obviously you haven't seen the video tape.
Marcy: [walking over to the counter] I think I can defend Mr. Bundy without viewing the
tape. In fact, that was the one condition on which I agreed to take the case.
She goes back to her seat.
Hrdwy: Bud Bundy, how do you plead?
Bud gets up.
Bud: Absolutely, 100% not guilty.
He sits down.
Griff, Ike, Jefferson and Al are sitting in the basement watching TV.
Griff: Yeah, it was really nice of Bud to let us watch the "Big 'Uns Extreme Games" in his
[to Al:] By the way, where is your son?
Al: I have no son.
Jeff: Haven't you heard? Bud was caught in the Trumaine library doing what will soon be
referred to as "The Bundy".
Al: Try to raise a kid with values and decency - Ooh, look, Big 'Uns Free Fall!
They all look closer.
Al: You don't need a parachute when you've got 'uns.
Griff: [to Ike] Enough to make you want to do "The Bundy".
Griff, Ike and Jefferson laugh.
Ike: Oh, I give Bud credit. The library is a pretty creative place. Most creative place I
ever did it was on an airplane.
Jeff: You did it in the bathroom on an airplane?
Ike: Who said anything about a bathroom?
Meanwhile, Bud's trial at the library continues.
Hrdwy: And so, in light of the video tape evidence and the eyewitness account of the now
comatized student who had the misfortune of opening the door at exactly the wrong
moment, we must conclude that Bud Bundy is absolutely, 100% guilty.
The Dean gets up.
Dean: Does the defence possibly have anything to say other than the obvious "I'm
so, so sorry"?
Marcy gets up too.
Marcy: We do not dispute the evidence of this case -
Hrdwy: Then you admit the defendant committed this crime.
Marcy walks to the center of the 'court'.
Marcy: He committed the act. There was no crime. Allow me to quote from your official
student's handbook. [takes out a handbook from her briefcase and opens it]
"Abstainance saves lives".
The Deans look at each other and nod in agreement.
Marcy: And what guarantees abstainance better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love.
She walks over to Bud.
Marcy: I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did, or be out
Bud slumps lower in his seat.
Al, Jefferson, Ike and Griff are still sitting in the basement.
Ike: ...and I did "The Bundy" at the icecapades.
Jeff: During my driving test.
Griff: Watching "Shaft".
Al: On my honeymoon.
Jeff: On your honeymoon??
Griff: That doesn't count.
Al: Gentlemen, gentlemen [gets up] I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son.
After all, the only thing he really did wrong was going to the library in the first
place. The rest is totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs! It's women
who tell us these things our wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only
good sex we have! I know now what we must do.
Back at the library...
Marcy is standing near the counter.
Marcy: And so in conclusion, I say [walking towards the deans]: if touching yourself is a
crime, then who among us does not deserve the chair?
The Deans all lower their heads. Marcy sits down.
Hrdwy: [walking to the center] All right. We concede that what Bud did was not, in itself,
a crime. But how do you explain doing it in the library?
Marcy: Well I'm glad you asked that. Bud, how the hell do you explain it?
Bud: Easily. I was set up. [gets up and walks over to Miss Hardaway] I direct the
attention of the court to Miss Hardaway, who has had a crush on me for years. In
fact, at this very moment she's thinking about what I must look like under my
Hrdwy: That is a tight little lie!
Bud points at her and looks at the deans.
Hrdwy: I - I mean, a little white lie.
Bud: Can you deny that on the night in question you gave me your home phone number? This
He holds up a note for the deans to see and then throws it on the floor in disgust.
Bud: Yuck. And did you not tell me which study room to sit in, knowing full well it had
a surveillance camera?
Miss Hardaway swallows and says nothing.
Bud: And did you not give me erotic text books [picks up a book from his desk] with all
the "good parts" marked?
He shows the Dean the book. The Dean gets up.
Dean: You gave him "Costumes of the Trobriand Islanders"???
Hrdwy: I did.
Dean: My God! The boy is only human.
He puts his arm on Bud's shoulder, and Bud does the same.
Bud: [sounding close to tears] So you see, I was entrapped by a middle-aged librarian who
saw a hot little tushie and wanted more.
Hrdwy: That is not true!
Bud: I dare you to take a look at this [sticks his butt in front of her face] and still
deny your feelings!
Hrdwy: All right, I confess: I am in love with Bud Bundy. Whenever he comes in the library,
I turn the heat up so he'll have to strip down to his tank top. When he returns a
book late, I always hope he'll say: "I've been a bad boy, Miss Hardaway.
Spank me hard."
Bud looks around uncomfortably.
Marcy: The court will excuse me if I heave?
The Dean nods.
Hrdwy: I've read every book on loving in this library. I could do things to him he's never
even dreamed of.
He picks up the note with her phone number and sits down.
Dean: I think we have a unanimous vote. We will dimiss this case, allow Mr. Bundy to
graduate, and seal the records, so as to maintain the good name of the Michael
The Deans and Miss Hardaway leave. Bud hugs Marcy.
Bud: Oh, thank you Mrs. D'Arcy! [Marcy looks towards Bud's hand uneasily as he hugs her]
Oh, you were great. And best of all, nobody's ever gonna know about this ugly little
Al, Ike, Jefferson and Griff come in carrying signs and chanting "Free the Bundy one!"
Miranda Cardinal and her cameraman follow them in.
Mrnda: This is Miranda VeraCruz de la Jolla Cardenal broadcasting live at Trumaine College,
where the group called "NO MA'AM" is here picketing in support of Bud Bundy's
inalienable right as an American to touch himself in the library...
Bud is trying to cover his face with his jacket.
Mrnda: Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Nomaam: 4-3-2-1 Bud's alone but he has fun! 2-4-6-8 It's his only steady date! 1-2-3-4 He
shouldn't have to lock the door!
Bud sneaks outside. The NO MA'AM guys continue chanting.
"Land of Hope and Glory" is heard.
We see the Dean handing out graduation diplomas and shaking the students' hands.
When Ariel's turn comes she kisses him. When Bud's turn comes the Dean throws his diploma
towards him rather than shake his hand. Bud throws his mortar board in the air happily.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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