Ed O'Neill..................Al Bundy
Amanda Bearse...............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley................Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog...............Lucky
Pat Morita..................Mr. Shimokawa
Dan Tullis, Jr..............Officer Dan
Todd Parker.................Officer Stan
Darrell Kunitomi............Japanese Al
Al, Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch watching TV.
Al: You know, the great thing about your mother being out of town, aside from the fact
that she's not here, is the three of us get a chance to bond.
Bud: Dad, as long as we're bonding, you know I'm gonna be graduating from college pretty
soon, and, um, I've got some pretty serious life -
Al: [cutting him off] Bud, shut up. "Family Matters" is on now. If you've got anything to
learn about life, you can learn it from Urkel and his fat cop neighbor.
Bud: I hate this show.
Kelly: How could you not love Urkel? I mean, his glasses, those pants, the suspenders...
Marcy and Jefferson come in. Marcy is wearing suspenders.
Al: [to Bud] Speaking of annoying neighbor boys with suspenders.
Marcy: [excitedly] Everyone, I have great news that you will all want to hear. I -
Jeff: [cutting her off] Marcy got a promotion at the bank that will take her to Japan once
Marcy: Jefferson, you stole my thunder.
Jeff: Oh, I'm - I'm sorry, dear. It won't happen again.
Marcy: Okay. [to the Bundys:] I'm going to -
Jeff: [cutting her off again] She's gonna be vice president... vice president in charge of
all transactions between her branch and the home office in Japan.
Marcy: [annoyed] Are you finished?
Jeff: Almost. With her salary increase, she'll never have to worry about money again.
Marcy: Well, you will if you don't shut up!
Al: Guys, I'm just so happy for both of you. What say we celebrate by you getting the
hell out of here and me watching my TV? My treat.
Marcy: Well, [walks behind the couch] technically I don't have the job yet so celebrating
would be a bit premature. You see, the bank president is flying all the way from
Japan to have dinner at my house tonight. Now, once he approves of me, the job is as
good as mine!
Jeff: Oh, I love this show [points at TV]. That Urkel... what an actor.
He sits in a chair to watch the TV.
Kelly: See Bud, I'm not alone.
Bud: No, as long as there's a sailor and an ice-cream cone, you'll never be alone.
Marcy: So Al, um, the reason that I'm here is that I need your help [she sits on the arm of
the couch next to Al] with just one little thing to make tonight's dinner perfect. I
need you to leave the neighborhood. You see, I don't want my boss to be repulsed by
you and your children. No offence.
Al: None taken.
Marcy: [surprised] So you'll do it?
Al: I meant: none taken... yet.
Marcy: All right, Al [gets up]. What's your price?
Al: One night, all expenses paid, in a Howard Bowman's Motor Lodge.
Bud: Ooh, "Hobo's".
Kelly: Where every bed is shaped like a boxcar.
She laughs. The others look at her.
Kelly: Or - or - or so I hear from my - my slutty friends who go there all the time. Not me.
Al: [gets up] We also want passes to the "Hobo's" Friday's all-you-can-eat clam buffet.
Kelly laughs hysterically. Marcy gives her a look and she stops.
Marcy: Well Al, you drive a hard bargain - and a rusty Dodge, but I think I can spring for
five more dollars.
She takes some cash from her pocket and gives it to Al.
Marcy: Live it up!
The three Bundys run outside excitedly, Kelly waving her hands in the air and shouting "yes! yes!"
The D'Arcys' house.
Oriental music is heard. Marcy emerges from behind a pagoda wearing a kimono and holding a
plate with both hands, and shuffles over to the living room where Jefferson (on the floor with
his hands pressed together) and her boss, Mr. Shimokawa, are sitting.
Marcy: So, Mr. Shimokawa, did you like the sushi?
Mr.S: [politely] It was wonderful, thank you.
Jefferson and Marcy exchange excited looks.
Mr.S: [thinking] How original: serving sushi to a Japanese man in America. It's like
Gilligan getting off the island and being offered a coconut.
Jeff: Uh, you know [tries to make a Japanese gesture] I - I find the Japanese culture to be
fascinating. I mean, the literature, the art... I just loved "The Joy Luck Club".
Mr.S: That was Chinese.
Jeff: The Kama Sutra.
Marcy looks at him approvingly.
Mr.S: That is Indian. [thinking:] In my country this man would be filling water glasses
Marcy: So, uh, now that we've finished with dinner, can I offer you some -
Mr.S: [thinking] Let me guess: tea.
He nods and she pours tea into his cup.
Marcy: Would you like something in it? Milk? Sugar?
Mr.S: [thinking] Whiskey.
The doorbell rings.
Marcy: [to Jefferson] Now, who could that be?
She goes to open the door.
Mr.S: [thinking] Please let it be Domino's. I'd kill for a pizza.
Marcy: [to Jefferson:] Look, honey, it's our favorite neighbors: the Bundys.
She opens the door and a Japanese family of four comes in. Marcy exchanges bows with each one
as they come in.
Marcy: Kelly, Bud, Peggy, Al.
They stand in a row behind the couch. Marcy walks between them and introduces them to her boss.
Marcy: Mr. Shimokawa, this is Al Bundy, an Acura salesman. Peggy, his wife, a homemaker.
Their son Bud, who's home from medical school, and their daughter Kelly, who's
a violin prodigy.
Mr.S: [thinking bitterly] Well, this isn't too patronizing.
Jap Al: I just wanted to thank you again, Marcy-sun, for the home loan you got for us.
[to Mr. Shimokawa:] She is truly the Japanese businessman's best friend.
Marcy: [cheerfully] Thanks, Bundys, for stopping by!
She opens the door and they leave, exchanging bows with Marcy again. Mr. Shimokawa gets up.
Mr.S: Um, Mrs. D'Arcy, I had a wonderful time but I must really be going [thinking:] to a
Marcy: Oh, no no no no. You can't go yet. The best is just ahead.
Mr.S: [thinking] Oh good. They're going to hang themselves. [smiles]
Jeffeson is standing on a small stage wearing a mask and holding a microphone. He lifts the mask.
Mr.S: [thinking] Oh no. I'm going to hang myself.
Marcy turns on the playback and gets on the stage with Jefferson. They start singing.
M & J: [singing] Fame - I'm gonna live forever. I'm gonna learn how to fly. High! I feel it
coming together, people will see me and cry.
A while later...
Jefferson and Marcy are still singing "Fame".
M & J: [singing] ...Baby, remember my name. Remember, remember, remember, remember.
The song ends.
Mr.S: [thinking] If only I could forget.
Marcy: [thinking excitedly] The job is mine. I can feel it!
The sound of the Dodge backfiring is heard outside.
Mr.S: What was that?
He gets up.
Marcy: Uh, nothing.
She gets off the stage and walks over to him.
Mr.S: That was not nothing. That was a 1971 Dodge. [smiles] The one I need to complete my
Jeff: Oh, you collect classic American cars?
Mr.S: No, I collect classic American junk. Yes, I have a Gremlin, and a Pacer, an old
yellow school bus with no brakes or no seatbelts. I have everything except that one.
He runs to the window and looks outside and bursts out laughing joyously.
Mr.S: [pointing towards the window] That is real junk. Mrs. D'Arcy, the car is very
important to me. I must have it.
Marcy: Well, don't you worry Mr. Shimokawa. I'll take care of everything and I'll even leave
my Jefferson here to entertain you.
Jefferson gets back on the stage and starts to sing and dance.
Jeff: [singing] I'm so excited. I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I
think I like it, yeah yeah yeah.
Mr. Shimokawa sits on the couch glumly.
Al and Bud are sitting on the couch eating clams.
Al: Clam me, Bud.
Bud picks up a plate of clams from the table and pours some more into Al's plate.
Kelly comes in from the garage carrying a large garbage bag.
Kelly: Hey. Here are the, uh, the rest of the "Hobo's" clams from the trunk. The corn's
keeping warm in the muffler.
She sits on the couch next to Al. Marcy storms in.
Marcy: [angrily] What are you people doing here? I bought you a room!
Bud: They kicked us out.
Al: And I have a good mind to sue them for false advertising. That sign clearly said "all
the clams you can eat", not "all the clams you can eat right now".
Bud: So, how are things going with your boss?
Marcy: [bitterly] Oh, great, great, just great. Till you three moth-red on home. As it turns
out, Mr. Shimokawa collects junk cars, and he wants to buy yours.
Al: I don't have any junk cars. All I have is the Dodge. [he realizes she means the
Dodge; angrily:] You don't mean -
Marcy: Oh, come on, Al. He'll probably offer you twice what it's worth. I mean, you might
even get fifty dollars.
Al: Well, Marcy, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.
Marcy: Well, so have you and your hair but you got rid of that.
Al: Way to bargain, Marce. I love that car more than anything I have.
Bud: Dad, what about us?
Al: You need a Q-tip? [gets up] Marcy, like I said before, I'm not selling that car.
Especially not to some Japanese big-wig who gets rich by flooding our market with
fuel-efficient, affordable cars that don't fold up like a tin can on a front-end collision,
like that's important. And all the while they're buying up all our American classics.
Marcy: Please Al, my job is on the line.
Al: Oh, well, that changes NOTHING! Marcy, I'm not selling that car to your boss. [he
escorts her outside] That car was born a Bundy, by God it will die a Bundy.
He closes the door after her.
The D'Arcy living room.
Jefferson is lying on the stage holding the microphone.
Jeff: [singing] Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make my cry-ha-hiiiii?
Mr.S: [thinking] More than life itself.
He picks up a knife, gets up and starts advancing towards Jefferson.
Marcy comes in and he quickly puts the knife back down.
Mr.S: Mrs. D'Arcy. So did you get my Dodge?
Marcy: Y'know, his price was too high. Isn't that just like the poor, always trying to take
advantage of the rich. God, I hate them! So I'll tell you what we're gonna do. Tomorrow I'm
going to take you down to a dealership and we're gonna get you a better one.
Mr.S: Do you not realize how rare these Dodges are? I mean, half of them were recalled, the
other half dissolved in the rain. This may be the only one left!
Marcy: Well, Mr. Shimokawa, I just don't think he wants to sell.
She sits on the couch.
Mr.S: Bottom line, Mrs. D'Arcy: you will get me that Dodge or I will get me a new vice
president for my bank.
Jefferson starts singing again.
Jeff: [singing] I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of, I'm afraid that I'm not sure
of a love there is no cure for...
Marcy and Mr. Shimokawa bury their face in their hands.
Only Marcy's face is visible.
Marcy: [with a forced smile] So Al, to thank you for being so understanding about my boss, I
thought it only right to treat you to dinner and a... show.
The camera moves and we see Jefferson, Marcy, Al and Bud sitting at a table in the Jiggly Room.
Bud: Mrs. D'Arcy, I thought as a feminist you wouldn't like places like this.
Marcy: Oh no no no no no. Feminism is about protecting a woman's rights in the workplace.
Now where that workplace happens to be is none of my concern.
A lapdancer walks over to Jefferson.
Dance: A lap dance?
Marcy: [to the lapdancer] Split, bitch! [to Al:] So Al, let's talk about your future. Sure,
you're making tens of dollars now, but you can't work forever, and somehow I
seriously doubt that your children will be there to support you.
Marcy and Al look at Bud, who now has the lapdancer on his lap.
Bud: [to dancer:] Move into my parents' basement with me, babe. We'll live on love...
well, that and welfare.
The lapdancer makes a face and walks away.
Marcy: [to Al] So, it occurs to me that you could use a NASDAQ. Say somewhere in the
neighborhood of... 3000 dollars?
Al: Marcy, the car is not for sale.
Marcy: [in frustration] Oh, come on, Al! You know that car is not worth 3000 dollars. Why
are you being such an ass - [she gets a hold of herself] astoudingly stubborn human.
Al: Marcy, see, it's a man's thing. Unlike you leg-shavers, we men... we men like our
things broken in. You know, old things. Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans, a
30-year-old toothbrush with chunkets of Reggie bar in it...
Marcy makes a disgusted face. Bud puts his burger away and looks like he's about to heave.
He puts a napkin to his mouth and walks away.
Al: See now the Dodge is like that. Dodge is just like that. Over the years I've moulded
the car to fit every nook and cranny in my body. And I'll tell you the truth, I don't
have the life left over to break in another car. So my answer still must be -
A stripper walks by. Al starts hooting.
Al: [after she's gone] What was I saying?
Marcy: Never mind. You, Al Bundy, are a pig. I repeat, a pig. We're leaving. Jefferson!
Jefferson and Bud are dancing in a chain of strippers. Marcy pulls Jefferson out of the chain.
Marcy: Jefferson, we're going home.
Jeff: Why? What's wrong?
Marcy: Because I can't stand another minute in this hideous, horrible -
She shrieks, noticing Mr. Shimokawa coming in. She and Jefferson start bowing.
Marcy: Mr. Shimokawa, what brings you to the Jiggly Room?
Mr.S: Quite honestly, the jiggly. So, Mrs. D'Arcy, did you secure my Dodge?
Marcy: Oh yes! Well... no. Actually, I'm still negotiating. You see, my husband wasn't
feeling very well and...
The chain of strippers goes by, with Jefferson in the lead.
Mr.S: How can I trust you to negotiate banking deals when you can't even buy a rusting
Dodge from a rusting shoe salesman?
The camera moves to Al, who is holding two onion rings over his eyes.
Al: I can see everything with my x-ray onion glasses!
Marcy: Please, Mr. Shimokawa, give me another chance. I will find his price.
Al is standing by the walkway watching a stipper and holding a bill. Marcy walks over to him.
Marcy: 5000 dollars.
Marcy walks away.
Al is with a lapdancer. He puts a bill in her underwear. Marcy walks over to him.
Marcy walks away, annoyed.
Al is in a chain of strippers. When they go by Marcy, she calls after Al
Officer Dan and Officer Stan come in and look around. Iqdal, the owner, walks over to them.
Iqdal: Hello Officer Dan, what can I do for you?
Dan: We got a call about an indecent sex act.
Iqdal: I assure you, I have no indecent sex act in my establishment.
Dan: Then get one!
Stan: We didn't ditch that drug stakeout for nothing.
The camera moves back to the table where Marcy, Al and Bud are sitting.
Marcy: Al, I don't understand you. You have turned down 10,000 dollars. Now that is more
money than you would make if you lived to be 10,000.
Al: Marcy, it's not the money. It's the sentiment.
Marcy: Right. What is the sentimental value?
Marcy: 20,000?! That is ridiculous.
Al: My car...
Marcy: [hissing] All right, I'll ask.
She walks away. In the background, a stripper slides down a pole and Jefferson slides after her.
Bud: Don't you think 20,000 dollars is a little too much to ask for a car that's made
mostly of string and paper?
Al: Son, I've got Marcy exactly where I want her.
Bud: Dad, at the risk of sugar-coating this, I'll just say that when it comes to finances,
you're an idiot.
Marcy comes back.
Marcy: All right, all right, you got your twenty grand.
He hugs Al. Al laughs and gets up to shake Marcy's hand.
Marcy: Do we have a deal?
Al: Yes... on one condition.
He whispers something in her ear. Her eyes widen.
The Jiggly Room
Al walks over to Mr. Shimokawa's table and sits down.
Al: Well, Mr. Shimokawa, you got yourself a car.
Mr.S: I told Mrs. D'Arcy every man has his price.
Al: [smiling] We do, just like every woman has hers.
He puts on dark glasses. Marcy appears at the end of the walkway. She takes off her cloak and
remains in black leather lingerie.
Mr. Shimokawa gets up and dances over to her.
Mr.S: [singing] I'm so excited, I cannot hide it...
Marcy: Well, good news Mr. Shimokawa: you got your car.
Mr.S: And the job is yours, Mrs. D'Arcy.
Marcy: Because of my great negotiating skills?
Mr.S: No, because you know how to shake it, baby!
Marcy: Well in that case, consider this my resignation.
She throws the cloak over his head and whacks him. He crashes on one of the tables and a
fight starts. Someone is pushed up against Al. He takes off his glasses, smiles, gets up
and punches the guy. All around the Jiggly Room people can be seen fighting.
Al, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch. Bud has a plate of clams in his lap and he's
rubbing his bloated stomach. Kelly also has a plate and there are two more on the table.
Al: Isn't this nice? A quiet evening alone with my loved ones.
Kelly: Oh Daddy, that's so sweet.
Bud: Oh, don't gush it up. He's talking about his clams.
Al reaches for one of the plates on the table.
TV: In other news, the president of the largest bank in Japan was arrested yesterday for
starting a riot in a Chicago nudie bar.
Al and Bud laugh.
Bud: Well, at least Mrs. D'Arcy didn't get demoted to drive-up teller this time.
Kelly: Yeah, but now she's the ATM beeper.
Bud: What's that?
Kelly: Well, you know when you punch in your code and it goes beep?
Kelly: Yeah, that's her. [to Al:] You know, Daddy, I'm sorry you didn't get your money for
Al: I got my clams...
Al: Dig in!
The three of them eat.
TV: And in other news, a rare strain of botulism was discovered and traced back to the
all-you-can-eat clam night at the Chicago's "Hobo's Motor Lodge". [they look closer]
Fortunately, most of the tainted shellfish was stolen by a family of homeless thieves
living in a Dodge.
They look at each other, shrug and continue eating.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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