I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BUTTER
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinely............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky...................Lucky The Dog
E.E. Bell...............Bob Rooney
Dan Tullis, Jr..........Officer Dan
Kathleen Freeman........Peg's Mom
Al comes downstairs with a box. He sits with the family at the kitchen table.
AL Family, and I use that term with great embarrassment... it is now time to unveil the
contents of the Bundy Family Christmas Club.
Al opens the box and takes out a large green sock.
KELLY Oooh, Dad, you got a festive green one this year. Usually you just use one of your old
PEGGY Honey, that is one of his white socks. See how it matches his teeth?
AL Thank you, Rudolph the Redhead Couch-Wear. Anyway, once a year, the working members of
the Bundy family, namely me, puts aside a small percentage of his pay check...
PEGGY Namely nothing.
AL And at the end of the year, opens it up to buy Christmas presents.
KELLY Namely garbage.
BUD Dad, why do we go through this pathetic charade every year? You know darn well Mom's
jimmied the lock and spent all the money on herself.
PEGGY I didn't spend one penny on myself this year.
Kelly and Bud watch in excitement as Al extracts the contents of the sock.
AL Then why is there nothing but receipts in here, Peg?
PEGGY Well, that's not for me. That's just stuff Mom needed.
AL [reading a receipt] Five hundred dollars for JJ's House of Strudel. [reading another]
Two hundred dollars for a heavy duty butt mast.
PEGGY Everybody knows that strudel goes straight to the butt.
AL Well, there goes your Christmas gift, Peg.
KELLY What about us?
AL Oh, this doesn't affect your gift, Pumpkin.
Kelly giggles excitedly. Al stands up and shakes her hand.
AL Merry Christmas. [holds out his hand to Bud] Merry Christmas [threatens to slap Bud] I
oughta give you one of these for Christmas.
Al sits back down. Bud and Kelly get up and walk off.
BUD Come on, Kel, let's go. We'll have to raise our own money for Christmas presents this
year. You know what this means, right?
KELLY Yeah, the "shell-shocked vet and the blind girl" routine?
BUD That's right! [gets a cane and a jacket out of the closet] And this time, don't sit
there reading People magazine, alright?
KELLY I was not reading it. I was looking at the pictures.
AL Peg, your mother is eating us out of house and home. Now, I don't expect her to pull her
weight, that would be impossible. But she's gotta get a job.
PEGGY She's a Wanker woman. She's not used to working.
AL I will only put up with one worthless Wanker woman in this house at a time, Peg! Either
she gets a job or you do.
PEGGY [calling] Mom, we gotta talk!
Officer Dan, Bob Rooney and Al are sitting in the shoe store. Ike dances around singing "Deck The
Halls", and puts some decorations on a small Christmas tree.
A fat woman named Belinda enters.
BELINDA Excuse me, do you have any pumps in my size?
AL Yes I do, but the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Shoes will not allow me to
sell them to you.
BELINDA Well, I hope you get coal in your stocking on Christmas morning.
AL And I hope you get Slim Fast in yours. Now, we're about to have our Christmas party here,
so would you mind egg nogging on out?
Belinda exits. The guys call out "Happy Holidays!" and "Merry Christmas" to her.
JEFRSN Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I had to ditch Marcy down at the employment office. [giggles]
God, what a depressing place.
DAN All those people out of work, huh?
JEFRSN No, all those people looking for work. Have they no pride?
Jefferson sits down and doesn't notice Marcy entering the store. Al begins making chicken motions
with his arms.
JEFRSN Oh, I tell ya, if Marcy is so deadset on a two income family, let her get a night job.
He notices Al's chicken flapping and mocks along with him. Al shrugs and gives up.
AL Jefferson, you don't really mean that about Marcy, do you?
JEFRSN Oh, as sure as I'm skimming money off her mutual funds. [laughs] Oh, I tell you, it'll
be cold day in hell when my paycheck-in-heels outsmarts me.
Marcy is now standing right behind Jefferson.
MARCY Well then, prepare to make snow angels with the Prince of Darkness.
JEFRSN [sheepishly] Marcy... [braver] Marcy, I... I can't believe you followed me here from the
MARCY Look, Jeff...
JEFRSN Oh, no, no, no! Don't apologise, the damage is done.
Al walks chicken-like past Marcy and sits down.
JEFRSN Look, Marcy, if I can't trust you not to follow me how can I ever trust you as a
reference on a job application?
MARCY Well, I already got you a job. Playing life-size Ken in the Barbie Christmas window at
The other guys laugh.
JEFRSN Okay, but don't blame me, Marcy, if your sick obsession wit work drives me into the arms
of a life-size Barbie.
Jefferson and Marcy walk out.
NO MAAM Merry Christmas!
BOB Well, now that the wives and deadbeats are gone, let's start this Christmas party.
DAN Yeah, yeah, the tree is trim, the hall is decked, and... [Ike places some tights over
the tree] and Ike has donned his gay apparel.
Ike picks up a shoe and threatens him.
IKE Take that back, you glorified nightwatchman!
Ike advances towards Dan, but Al stops them.
AL Focus, gentlemen, focus. There'll be no brawling in here, this is a Christmas party, not
a wedding. Besides, we can't start till Griff gets here from his new part time job.
Griff enters. He is dressed as Santa Claus and has a kid named Bobby wrapped around his right
leg. The boy's mother, Cindy, follows them in.
GRIFF Okay kid, if you let go of my leg, I'll bring you a pony on Christmas morning.
CINDY Excuse me, why did you say that? I specifically told you he couldn't have one.
GRIFF And I specifically told you tips were encouraged.
CINDY Come on, Bobby, the real Santa’s at K-Mart.
NO MAAM Merry Christmas!
GRIFF Merry stinkin' Christmas.
AL Hey, Griff, where's your Christmas spirit?
GRIFF My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement. Along with the house, the car, and my
entire collection of Pam Grier movies.
AL I knew you were feeling lonely the last couple of weeks. That's why I got you this for
Al hands Griff a business card.
GRIFF [reading] 1-900-YUMMY? "The bearer of this card is entitled to 20 minutes of yuletide
phone sex"? Al, you shouldn't have.
AL Hey, it didn't cost me anything, I just cashed in my frequent hooter miles at the Nudie
GRIFF Meaningless, no-strings-attached sex is the last thing I want right now.
BOB That's the only thing I've ever wanted.
Griff hands the card to Bob Rooney, but Ike grabs it from him. All of the guys rush excitedly
over to the phone. Ike starts dialling.
AL Hey, Ike, Ike Ike! Don't be selfish, put it on the speaker phone.
Ike does so. The phone rings, then a sexy voice answers.
BUTTER Hello, you're cooking with Butter.
The guys hoot and holler.
IKE Hey Butter, this is... Hot Pants.
BUTTER Ehhh, Hot Pants, why don't you come closer and melt little ol' Butter?
IKE Ohh, ho-hold on, I-I-I gotta think about baseball.
AL Hey, hey, Butter, this is uh, this is Double O Shoe. Listen, forget Hot Pants, you gotta
talk to my good friend...
BOB Butcher Boy!
DAN Psycho Cop!
AL Not you, you potbellied porkers.
Al picks up the receiver and gives it to the reluctant Griff.
GRIFF Hiya Butter. This is, umm... Shoehorn O'Plenty.
Al and Griff enter the Bundy house.
AL Thanks for the ride home, Griff.
GRIFF Oh, don't mention it.
AL Hey, I'm a Dodge man through and through, but that Geo Metro of yours is a lot easier to
push up that hill.
GRIFF Yeah, but if you want a car that'll just rust away on a front lawn, nothing beats your
AL You got that right. Come on in, I'll give you that beer I promised ya. There's nobody
The voice of Peggy's mother is heard from upstairs.
MOM [v.o.] Beer? I'll come down and join ya!
AL Except my mother-in-law, the Budweiser Clydesdale.
GRIFF Well, I gotta go anyhow, Al. I promised Butter I'd call her at six.
AL Yeah, you don't wanna leave a phone sex operator waiting by the phone.
GRIFF Wait a minute, Al. Butter is more than just $1.99 a minute. She is a real good listener
who really understands me. And boy, can she talk dirty. But, I still better go. I've got
a long push home.
AL Alright. Take it easy, buddy.
Griff leaves. Al walks over to the phone, looks around quickly, then starts dialling.
AL [dialling] 1-900-YUMMY.
The upstairs phone starts ringing. Al hears it and cuts off his phone with his finger; the other
phone stops too. Al looks a bit startled. He shrugs it off, the dials again. The upstairs phone
rings again. The sexy voice answers and the phone stops ringing.
BUTTER Hello, you're cooking with Butter.
Al hangs up the phone, sits down and mouths "OH NO".
The Bundys now have a big Christmas tree. Text on screen: CHRISTMAS EVE
The "Deck The Halls" tune is playing. Lucky is on the couch, wearing a jumper and chewing on a
bone. The Bundys' Christmas socks are hang up along the staircase, including one for Peg's mom,
which is huge. The Bundys are sitting at the table, eating a big meal.
Kelly hands him a bread roll.
BUD You know, this is fantastic. I mean, I can't believe Grandma bought us all these
presents and this beautiful dinner.
KELLY It's like she's an older married man or something.
The rest of the family looks at her.
AL You know, Peg, who would've thought that your mom's 1-900 number would've bought us our
first real Christmas. You know, for a Bigfoot, your mom's okay.
PEGGY Oh Al, let's invite her down for Christmas dinner.
AL What, are you nuts!? Don't you know that the holidays are the busiest phone sex times of
KELLY Daddy, aren't you feeling just a little guilty that most of this money that paid for
this food came from your No Ma'am friends?
AL Guilty - no, hungry - yes.
KELLY What I mean is, is that don't you think that you should tell them that Butter is really
AL Pumpkin, unlike marriage, phone sex is a victimless crime. See, why spoil the good time
of my dear friends and derail our gravy train at the same time? Speaking of which - Peg,
would you pop open another can of gravy please?
Peggy gets a can of gravy and stabs it with a spout.
AL That'a girl.
Al pours gravy all over his plate.
BUD Dad's right, what they don't know won't hurt them. Besides, when you dial those 900
numbers, all you really care about is...
Bud stops and looks up to find the others staring at him.
BUD ... is - is getting your money back for dialling the wrong number.
Bud continues eating, a bit guilty.
The doorbell rings.
KELLY Who could that be?
AL Argh, maybe one of the neighbors found out we have food. Quick, eat fast.
The Bundys hurriedly eat.
The doorbell rings again.
AL Alright, I'll get it. Just pretend like nothing's happened.
Al grabs the four corners of the tablecloth and bundles up the meal, and puts it in the closet.
The doorbell rings again.
Once the food is hidden, Al opens the door to Griff.
GRIFF Hey, Al.
AL Hey Griff, how ya doing.
Griff looks over and sees Peggy, Kelly and Bud still sitting at the table with their knifes and
forks in their hands and chewing.
GRIFF Oh, see you're having another imaginary Christmas dinner.
AL Yeah well, it keeps them happy, you know. Thanks for stopping by, buddy.
GRIFF Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. I need your advice. You know I've been talking to
Butter a lot lately. Al, she is more than just phone sex, she is a beautiful human
being. I never thought I'd say this again: I think I'm in love.
Al glances upstairs.
AL I think I'm about to blow gravy.
GRIFF Al, I want to ask her to spend the holidays with me.
Al gives him a crazy look.
AL 'Scuse me.
Al runs back to the family.
AL Fa... family meeting.
PEGGY Al, what are we gonna do? If Griff finds out that Grandma is Butter, then he and the
guys will stop calling and we'll have to go back to living on your income!
KELLY I hate him. He's the Griff who stole Christmas!
BUD I'll kill the sucker.
Al restrains Bud.
AL No one kills anybody here! Come here. I got a plan. [Kelly joins them] I want you two to
get some candy canes and lure Grandma out of her room.
KELLY All of her, Dad??
BUD Even the... the dark, mossy side?
AL Would you just go do it?!?
Kelly and Bud run off. Al sits next to Peg.
AL Peg, I want you to go upstairs and talk dirty.
PEGGY Oooh, Al. You mean like this?
Peggy whispers something in Al's ear.
AL Thank you, Peg. The one meal I've had in months, I won't be able to keep it down!
PEGGY Well, you said to talk dirty.
AL But not to me, you candied yam -- to Griff! I want you to go upstairs. When the phone
rings, I won't you to answer it and pretend you're Butter. Then I want you to tell him
that your love can never be.
PEGGY [uncertain] Well, what are you going to do?
AL I'm gonna, I'm gonna soften him up with our finest liquid refreshment.
Al and Griff are sitting on the couch. Griff is finishing his beverage.
GRIFF Oh man, that's gravy.
AL Not just for breakfast anymore.
GRIFF Al, what if Butter won't go out with me? What will I do? Not call her anymore?
AL No. [putting the phone in front of Griff] Call her often and call her at peak hours and
talk for a long, long time... but never ask to meet her.
Al gives Griff the receiver.
GRIFF Okay, Al. This may be just the gravy talking, but I trust your judgement. [takes one
last swig] Here goes.
Griff dials. Al starts up the stairs.
In Peg's mom's room (Bud's old room), Peggy is waiting by the phone. There is a huge bed and a
few fridges and cabinets filled with ice cream, chocolate, sweets, etc in the room.
Peggy picks up the phone uneasily.
PEGGY [with a deeper voice] Merry Christmas... you're cooking with Butter.
Al comes in quietly and sits next to Peggy.
GRIFF [v.o.] Merry Christmas Butter baby. This is Shoehorn O'Plenty. Well, you sound a little
different tonight, Butter. What you got, a little cold?
PEGGY Well, I - I did, but I'm warming up now.
GRIFF Well, look Butter, I now I've asked you this before, but this time I really have to
know... what do you look like?
PEGGY [nervously] Ohahaha. [to Al, covering the receiver] Al, I am really uncomfortable with
this. I don't think I can go through with it.
AL Peg, Peg, Peg. Just do what we do when we have sex: pretend we're with someone else.
PEGGY Thanks, Fabio.
AL You're welcome, Ginger... and Mary Ann.
Peggy gives Al a look and gets back to Griff.
PEGGY What do I look like? Well, I am statuesque [Al looks disgusted] with flowing red hair
[Al cringes] and a booty that your hand just aches to grab.
Al gets his hand ready to hit Peg's butt. We see Griff as Peggy yelps.
GRIFF Butter, you okay??
PEGGY Oh yes, I'm fine. It's just that chronic pain in the butt I live with.
GRIFF Look Butter, I gotta ask you this before I lose a nerve. Will you come spend the
holidays with me?
PEGGY Ohh, well I'd love to, Mr. O'Plenty, but uh, it's against company policy. You see, we
phone sex employees live by the highest moral and ethical standards.
GRIFF Yeah, well I'd make it a Christmas you'd never forget. Dinner, dancing... a sleigh ride
to the airport Motel 6 where I would rock your world.
Peggy is very turned and is biting the phone cord.
PEGGY I'll be there in half an hour. [off the phone] Al, I'm leaving you.
AL Peg, under normal circumstances I'd help you pack. But there's more at stake here than
our marriage, Peg, there's money. Piles and piles of money. So I want you to get back on
that phone and do what you do best: shatter dreams.
PEGGY [on the phone] Uh, look, 'Horn, I've gotta be perfectly honest with you. You see, I'm a
happily married woman. With children. Very very young children; infants.
GRIFF [v.o.] Hey, I don't mind messing around with a married woman.
Peggy ponders this.
PEGGY Al, I'll be back by New Year's.
AL Peg, he's a shoe salesman. It'd be like leaving me for me.
PEGGY Oh yeah. Thanks for talking me down, Al. [on the phone] Uh, listen, Mr. O'Plenty, you
know, it's, it's easy to get carried away on the phone, I mean, but it's all just a
fantasy. You know, my husband may not be much, but he does keep me in bonbons and I
don't have to cook or clean or even know where my kids are.
Peggy kisses Al's cheek. He reacts disgustedly and walks out.
GRIFF [v.o.] Yeah, well... I guess I can respect that. Can we still fool around on the phone
PEGGY Oh yeah. We could do it right now.
Al comes downstairs.
GRIFF Al, you've got to listen to this.
Griff hands Al the receiver.
AL Uhh, no, I don't. [he hangs up the phone] How'd it go, buddy?
GRIFF Well, she won't go out with me, but all is not lost. She reaffirmed the value of cheap
and meaningless sex. That's a gift I will always cherish.
They giggle. The other No Ma'am guys enter, singing "Deck the Halls".
JEFRSN Hey, hey guys, listen, since the wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners to the
homeless, shouldn't we be down at the Nudie Bar feeding dollars to the topless?
The guys cheer.
AL Great idea. To the Nudie Bar!
BOB Where Christmas is nice
AL And lap dancers are half price
NO MAAM At the Nudie Bar!
IKE Where you drink down the shooters
DAN And unwrap the hooters
NO MAAM At the Nudie Bar!
JEFRSN Where eggnog’s a-plenty
GRIFF And the girls are twenty
NO MAAM At the Nudie Bar!
As the guys start to head off, Peg's Mom walks overhead. Each step causes the house to shake and
plaster to drop from the ceiling. The guys look up at the stairs.
MOM [v.o.] I recognise those voices: Butcher Boy, Psycho Cop, Hot Pants, Ken Doll,
Shoehorn... [with Butter voice] It's me, Butter.
The guys all run screaming out of the house, except for Al, who stands there and shakes his fist
at his mother-in-law.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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